Chapter 2 – Awkwardness
He had been thinking about her offer day and night. He would have never thought that he would miss having students around him but at least they meant distraction. Now, in the holidays, there was nothing to do except thinking. At day he couldn't concentrate on anything (not even reading the books he had been dying to read during the holidays) and at night he lay awake and stared into the darkness of his bedroom. The pros and cons were struggling with each other, and he had no idea what to do. He had even started to write it down. His pros read: intelligent, attractive, seems to care for me, could make me happy. The cons were: age difference, former student-professor-relationship, no one would approve. The worst of all was, however, that he could talk with no one about it. He had shortly thought about Minerva, but the Headmistress was so fond of her Gryffindor princess that she would behead him instantly for only considering Hermione's offer. It was rare that he wished for a friend.
On Sunday, 2 pm, he decided to make his way to Dufftown, walking instead of apparating, to give him more time to change his mind. The pros and cons swirled in his head. He wanted to be selfish and try this relationship with her, the woman who had saved him from death. And yes, he saw her as a woman, for not only was her mind more mature than normal for a twenty-year-old, but she had endured so much during the war that she had left her childhood behind years ago.
He had reached the old café in Dufftown sooner than he wanted to. It was quite considerate of her to meet here instead of Hogsmeade where everyone knew them. He detected her through the large window: she was sitting at a table and reading a book about ancient plants and their properties for Potions making. It could have looked like she had chosen this book especially for him, but he knew that she had always been intrigued by Potions, just like him. When she absent-mindedly played with a lock of hair while reading, he opened the door of the café without having deliberately chosen to.
She looked up as soon as the door opened and smiled at him warmly.
He sat down opposite of her at the small coffee table and didn't know what to say.
"Hi," she greeted shyly.
He merely inclined his head. What was he doing here? This was a bad idea! But now it was too late. He couldn't disappoint these brown eyes sparkling at the sight of him.
They didn't speak until the waiter wanted their order, and then drank sips of coffee to have something to do while avoiding eye contact.
"So," she finally said after a while, and he could see her taking a deep breath to face him. "Does you being here mean that you are willing to try?"
He saw her cheeks blush and found that fascinating. It didn't distract him from telling her the truth, though. "I'm not in love with you."
Her eyes widened, she gulped, and it was obvious that she didn't know how to react to this information, this disappointment, so he continued quickly.
"I do, however, like you."
"You do?" she wanted to know at once, her eyes full of tentative hope.
He nodded. "Therefore, I propose to spend some time together and get to know each other." I believe you are someone who I can fall in love with. He noticed her finger around a strand of hair again and smiled inwardly. Probably very easily.
"That's all I'm asking for," she told him happily. "A chance."
He nodded. "A chance."
Another moment of awkwardness followed. How to proceed from here? "So, how did you think this through?"
"First of all, I believe we should become friends, not teacher and student, not co-workers, but real friends."
"I've never been good with that."
She smiled all the same. "I believe in you. I just have one condition: that we are honest and open with each other."
"To a certain extent," he intervened at once. "I will not spill all of my secrets to you tonight or tell you everything about me."
She nodded. "I understand that. Then let me rephrase it: honesty always because lying is never good in a relationship, and openness according to the level of our friendship."
He thought about this for a moment but found it reasonable. "Do you want to start tonight?" he replied and couldn't hide the sarcasm in his voice, which was only there to hide his nervousness. He was crazy for agreeing to this, wasn't he?!
"Yes," she replied with a small smile. "But not in here." She stood up. "I realise how awkward this is, for both of us, I guess because it's so unusual. So, would you like to take a walk with me through the forest?"
He was glad for her offer: when people walked, they had something to do, and the silence would be less uncomfortable. He stood up as well and took a few coins out of his pocket.
When Hermione realised he intended to pay for her as well, she protested, but he insisted: "If we're doing this, we're doing it the right way", and she stopped with a shy smile.
Their walk through the forest was nice, and the silence companionable. It was Hermione who started their conversation.
"Tell me, how was your first week of the holidays?"
It was supposed to be a normal question, but Severus immediately felt trapped. He couldn't tell her that he had not been able to do much because she had been on his mind the whole time. Instead, he opted to tell her about a Potions article he had read two weeks ago.
"I've read that one, too," she replied enthusiastically. "I wasn't happy with the outcome of their study."
And so they were engrossed in Potions, their mutual comfort zone.