Chapter 12 – Lily

Hermione sat next to Severus on his couch, her head on his chest while he caressed her arm. It was surprisingly comfortable and relaxing – she had always assumed that a relationship with him would be more agitating.

"Severus?"

"Hmm?"

"I have a favour to ask you. It's more a personal question, really."

"What is it?"

"Can you tell me... about Lily?"

She felt him tense, and his hand stopped in mid-air. "Why do you ask?"

"I saw the memories you gave Harry during the Final Battle. I know she means a lot to you, so I was just… curious."

"And you want to know how much she still means to me?"

"Maybe," she admitted quietly.

"Alright," he sighed and sat up straight, "if it eases your mind. What do you want to know?"

"Just tell me a bit about her. How you met, what made you fall in love with her, why your friendship ended."

He nodded. It took him a moment to start, but then he spoke without hesitation. "Lily and I grew up in the same small town. Since my home was not much of a home, I often wandered around during the day. One day I saw her and her sister running over a field and with her long red hair and kind laughter, it was easy to fall in love with her on sight."

Hearing this gave Hermione a sting in her heart, but she was glad he talked with her about Lily. This meant that he was over his first love, right? At least enough to be with her, Hermione, now, right?

"From that day on I observed her and soon found out she was a witch. You've seen our first meeting in the memories, but after that she came to me with questions and our shared secret made us friends. I believe if we had been in the same house in Hogwarts, our friendship would have endured. But being in Gryffindor and Slytherin, respectively, there was no chance. We grew apart and the Marauders made me their favourite target." He stopped himself, then looked at Hermione. "If you have seen my memories, you know what evil word destroyed our friendship once and for all."

She nodded seriously. To call someone a Mudblood was a deeply hurting, mean offence. Draco Malfoy had insulted her with this word constantly and Bellatrix had etched it into her forearm…

"And still you want to be with me?" Severus wondered aloud.

"You probably had a good reason," Hermione replied, but she clutched her arm.

"I don't know. I was angry with the Marauders and frustrated with my unrequited love for Lily. She just wanted to help me and got in the way of my anger."

"Did you regret it?"

"More than anything and right away. I tried to apologise to her and make amends, but she wanted nothing to do with me anymore."

Hermione started drawing circles with her thumb on his hand. "I think I would have forgiven you," she quietly told him.

He kissed her head in gratitude. "I don't blame Lily for not doing it, but it was the reason I went with Lucius to the Dark Lord. He promised me glory, revenge on the Marauders, and the love of my life. Who wouldn't want that?" He laughed bitterly. "What irony that it was he who in the end killed her – and because of me."

"You couldn't have known what the prophecy would do. You were just doing your job."

He smiled at her. "You can't defend all of my crimes."

"I can try," she said and kissed his hand.

"Thank you," he whispered and embraced her firmly.

For a moment they remained silent until Hermione asked the question she feared the most: "And how do you feel about her now?"

"Are you jealous?" he teased.

"More worried," she told him honestly. "For decades she has been the only woman in your life." Then she added in a whisper: "Who am I compared to her?"

"You are everything," he replied at once. "It is true that a part of me will always love her, but the greater part is reserved for you. And only you."

Hermione sighed in relief.

"Reassured?"

"Yes," she smiled and gave him a kiss.

"Now you have to tell me about your former loves," he then demanded with a grin.

"Oh no!" she shrieked and covered her face. "You really don't want to hear about that."

"I do, actually," he insisted.

So, Hermione sighed and told him in the same calm manner he had before about how she had always fancied Ron, but soon realised he wasn't the right person for her, how she had a moment with Viktor, but only wanted to try kissing and didn't really feel anything. She even told him of her crush on Lockhart – the most embarrassing of all. "And then there was you," she finished and smiled at him. "It was always you."

"And I am who you truly want to be with?" he asked, sounding uncertain.

"Absolutely," she said and took his face into her hands to kiss him deeply.