So there were several requests to show Erin postpartum and dealing with all the hormones so I did as much research as I could and tried to make this realistic. Trigger warning for some postpartum struggles.
Jay blearily stumbled down the hallway toward the painful cries that were coming from his daughter's bedroom. He pushed open the bedroom door and quickly closed the gap between himself and his child, his heart breaking when he caught sight of her struggling underneath the heavy comforter.
"Hey, hey, hey, you're okay," Jay said softly, brushing Piper's cheek with his fingers, "You're safe, Pipes."
He swallowed the lump in his throat when her hazels snapped open and his baby's eyes darted around the room in fear. She had been his for over a year and a half and had spent the majority of that time experiencing gut wrenching nightmares when she slept. In the weeks after bringing Liam and Ryan home, both Jay and Erin had been somewhat surprised at the lack of nightmares plaguing their little girl until they realized that the only reason she wasn't having bad dreams was because she wasn't really sleeping.
The twin newborns got their lungs from their daddy and they were loud. Erin was up several times a night to nurse and Jay did his best to tackle the diapers and comforting when one of his sons was eating, but there was seldom silence in their house.
"D-Daddy?" Piper stammered, her eyes finally finding her daddy's baby blues staring at her, "Daddy?"
"I'm here," he whispered, smoothing her hair back, "Just a bad dream. I'm here. You're safe." He gave a small smile to his little girl. "It's okay. You're safe."
Piper scrambled into his arms, burying her face in his neck. "Shh," he murmured, holding her tightly, "I know, kiddo. You're okay." Jay rubbed her back gently, feeling his sweet baby's form shake against his. It had been weeks since he'd caught his little girl in the midst of a nightmare and he'd forgotten just how heartbreaking it could be.
"I'm tryin' to be better," she mumbled against his neck, "I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize for having a bad dream," he soothed, "Bad dreams happen. They happen to me too, remember? Lots of people have bad dreams." Jay kissed her forehead. "It's okay."
Piper trembled as she clung to him, wishing she could put the tears back in her eyes. Her daddy was so, so tired. She didn't want to keep him up late just because she had bad dreams, because she had bad dreams a lot. It usually helped her to stay up and help with the boys instead of closing her eyes. Closing her eyes made the shadows come out of the walls and made her remember scary things from her past, and Piper much preferred to pat her little brothers' tummies and help her mommy and daddy. There was something about being with the boys that helped.
Jay kissed the top of Piper's head. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked softly, lightly rubbing her back, "Or do you want to try to go back to sleep?"
She shuddered. What she really wanted was her mommy because in her dreams, her mommy was gone. But her mommy was with her little brothers. "I can go back to sleep," she whispered, "S-sorry Daddy."
"No need to be sorry kiddo," Jay assured her, "It's okay. Maybe we can talk in the morning on the way to school, hm?"
Piper sniffed. She didn't want to go to school but she knew that she had to. "Okay," she sniffed again, trying her hardest to be brave. She frowned when she heard a cry from down the hallway. "I woke them up."
Jay shook his head. "No, no, it's alright-" He paused when another wail joined the cry from the first twin who had woken up. Jay resisted the urge to tilt his head back in aspiration. Unfortunately, his boys were not great sleepers. He and Erin had asked their pediatrician for recommendations and were trying everything, but nothing seemed to be working. He was pretty sure that Erin was averaging less than an hour of sleep per night in between feeding both boys. Even when they settled, Jay found himself waking up to see his girl awake beside him, either staring at their sons, up at the ceiling or at their little girl over the baby monitor.
"You need to go help Mommy," Piper said sadly, shifting off her daddy's lap. She shivered, immediately missing the comfort and warmth he provided. She really wanted to hold onto him so he would bring her back to his bed with her mommy, but Piper knew he needed her to be brave. Whenever she would go into her parents' bedroom after hearing the boys cry so she could try to help, it usually made her mommy cry. And her mommy had been crying a lot lately.
"I'll come check on you in a bit," he promised, dropping a kiss atop her head, "I love you, sweet bug." Jay hurried out of the bedroom toward his own before taking a deep breath. As soon as he thought they'd find a rhythm, their house shifted again. The boys were now five weeks old and after three weeks of furlough (a week in the hospital and nearly two at home), he was back at work full time. It was still desk duty following his brush with death a few weeks prior to his sons' delivery, but it meant that Erin spending her days home with the boys alone while she used the remaining weeks of maternity leave.
Because the boys had been premature, their pediatrician had recommended additional precautions. In her postpartum mama-bear mode, Erin took the advice to an extreme and had been adamantly against any type of nanny or additional help during the day while the boys were still young to prevent them from getting sick. They had avoided any illness or crisis in the weeks the boys had been home and she intended to keep it that way.
Jay always knew his girl was an amazing mom, but seeing her with the boys surpassed any expectations he could have had. Erin was absolutely incredible. She was in tune with her sons in a way that blew his mind and she clearly loved them so, so much. But Jay could tell just how heavily motherhood was weighing on his girl. He was slowly watching as she slipped into old habits of forgetting to eat and rest when she needed it, and Jay was getting worried, especially because he wasn't there during the day to remind her.
"Hey," he whispered, carefully padding into the bedroom. Erin was seated on the bed with both boys in her arms. Liam was nursing while Ryan fussed impatiently. She looked up to meet his gaze and Jay's heart clenched. His girl was exhausted. "I can get him a bottle or-"
"I don't think there is any milk left in the freezer," Erin replied, shifting Liam carefully, "I've been trying to pump more but-" She stopped and tilted her head back to prevent the tears from pooling in her eyes. Erin sniffed and returned her gaze to Liam. "Are you done, buddy? Want to give your brother a turn? Can you take him, please, Jay?"
Jay took Liam into his arms and gently patted his back while Erin maneuvered Ryan. Immediately the baby was silent as he nursed hungrily. "You're hungry, bubba," Erin whispered, stroking Ryan's soft hair with her fingertips. She looked up at Jay again. Her partner was just looking at her with concerned and tired baby blues. "Were you with Noodle?"
He nodded slowly. "Did she have a nightmare?" Erin croaked, willing her voice to remain steady. She had grown accustomed to waking up at the slightest noise from either of her boys but somehow had missed anything coming over the baby monitor from her little girl. Guilt flooded her veins when Jay nodded again. "And I didn't hear."
"I got there quick," Jay said quickly, bouncing slightly in the hopes that Liam would drift off, "She's alright, babe."
"Not if she's having nightmares." Erin brought one hand to her forehead. "She barely sleeps anymore."
"She's okay," he promised, "I told her we could talk about it on the way to school tomorrow." He glanced over at the clock. "Or later today, really. I'll see what's going on."
"She doesn't tell me anything," Erin said thickly, "She could be shooting up heroin and I wouldn't know it."
"Erin-"
"Please don't try to make me feel better," she interrupted, "Don't, okay? I know what you're going to say and I just don't want to hear that it's going to take time, that we're all adjusting and whatever. It's not that simple."
Jay resisted the urge to frown. His girl was exhausted. He was exhausted. Their entire family was exhausted and on top of the exhaustion, his fiancé and the love of his life was dealing with fluctuating hormones and all kinds of bodily shifts. "What can I do?" he asked finally, "How can I help?"
Immediately, Erin's features crumbled and Jay felt like an idiot. She wouldn't even be able to tell him how he could help because she didn't even know what she needed. "Babe-"
"I'm sorry," she wept tearfully, "I'm so sorry, I don't…I can't-"
"Hey, hey," he soothed, carefully setting Liam down in the bassinet. He took a seat on the bed and wiped her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs, "You don't need to apologize, Er. It's alright. This is a lot."
"They're our kids," she mumbled, dragging one hand across her nose, "All of them and I just can't keep taking it out on you, it isn't fair."
"Don't worry about me right now," Jay promised, "I'm steady, babe. I have been for weeks now and I promise I can take it." He continued to wipe her cheeks gently. "You're taking on so much and you haven't been sleeping. What if I take the guys and you spend the night in Piper's bed?"
"They need to eat," Erin rasped, sniffing back more tears, "I have to keep feeding them otherwise it's going to stop and I don't want them to be hungry." She bit back a sob that had bubbled in her throat. The postpartum hormone crashes the books had told her about were very real. Her emotions were all over the place and she was just so damn tired.
Jay stroked her hair back. "I could bring her in," he suggested, "She's not asleep just yet." He pointed to the baby monitor on Erin's bedside table that was obstructed by the breast pump and various other baby items. Piper was clearly still awake in her bed.
"They'll wake her up in a few hours," she murmured, a tear dripping onto Ryan's forehead, "She hasn't slept enough."
"Neither have you," Jay countered, "It might be good for both of you, just tonight." He leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "What do you think?"
Erin gave a tearful nod. "I'll put them down for the night," she managed, standing from the bed, "If you want to get our little bug?"
Jay knocked lightly on Piper's door. "Hey, kiddo," he whispered, "Just me." He smiled sadly when his little bug lifted her head. His sweet baby looked as exhausted as he felt. "You want to come snuggle with Mommy tonight? I think she could use some extra love."
Piper widened her eyes worriedly. "Is she sick?" she asked, her voice laced with concern, "Do we need to go to the hospital?"
"No, no." Jay shook his head quickly. "She's missing you and I've been missing you too. But if you want to stay in here that's okay too."
"I want to be with you and Mommy," Piper said, shedding the comforter to hurry toward her daddy. She leaned into his legs heavily and relaxed gratefully when he lifted her into his arms. Piper wrapped her arms around his neck and held fast while her daddy carried her down the hall. She always felt better when he was holding her.
More tears welled in Erin's eyes when she saw her partner in the doorway of their bedroom, their first baby on his hip. Her little bug looked like such a little girl in her pajama set with hearts on it that had been a matching set with the boys for Valentine's Day. It was one of her favorite pictures ever with Piper holding both boys on her lap all in their matching pajamas. It was a dream come true. She at least got a few good snaps before Ryan started wailing and Liam spit up all over himself and his brother. "Brought in some backup," Jay said with a smile, kissing the top of Piper's head, "The boys are usually the best with her, don't you think babe?"
"Hi," Piper whispered, offering a small smile to her mommy, "'s okay if I stay for a little?"
Erin nodded and gingerly sat back down on her side of the bed. "Please," she managed, holding out her arms, "I'm sorry, sweetheart."
Piper wrinkled her brow when her daddy set her down on the bed. "How come you're sorry?" she asked softly, "I was the one who woke up the boys. I should be sorry, not you." She looked up at Jay who had eased himself back onto the bed. "What…what's going on?"
"Nothing," Jay assured her, leaning down to kiss the top of her head, "We just missed you." He wrapped one arm around Piper and scooted closer to both of his girls. "And I really, really missed both my girls."
Hank shifted the bag of groceries he was carrying so he could unlock the front door to his daughter's house. His detective (and future son in law) was practically asleep on his feet in the middle of the bullpen and if it wasn't for the fact that he was still on desk duty, Hank would have sent him home.
Thankfully, the case was wrapping up and his team would get to clock out on the earlier side. While the rest of the unit handled the paperwork, Hank took a trip to the grocery store for a few essentials and drove over to his daughter's house, hoping to make himself useful.
His girl was incredibly strong and an amazing mother, but through his visits with his grandsons and the first week of sleeping over to be there if needed, Hank knew just how hard two newborns could be. When Justin first came home, he was overwhelmed. There were supposed to be two babies in his home and he was under water with one.
The loss of the baby girl was crushing, but hit his late wife particularly hard. He watched as she muscled through trying to nurse and love and bond with baby Justin while mourning the loss of their daughter.
He paused after closing the front door behind him. It was quiet in the house – almost too quiet. According to his detective, there was seldom a moment of peace with two loud little Halsteads. "Erin?" Hank called into the house, his heart in his throat. Both of his grandsons were snoozing in their bassinets. His daughter was incredibly diligent about staying as close as she could to all her kids, so not seeing her in his immediate line of sight had Hank's father instincts on high alert. Something wasn't right. "Kid?"
He paused when he heard a sharp intake of breath. "Erin," he called again, "It's me." Hank took another step forward and turned, hoping to find his daughter emerging from the restroom or listening to music with headphones on.
Instead, his heart dropped. His daughter was on her hands and knees in the kitchen, wads of wet paper towels strewn about the floor. She was weeping softly, one paper towel at her face as she tried to suppress the sobs that were bubbling in her throat. "Are you hurt?" he asked immediately, sinking to his knees, "Talk to me, kiddo."
Erin lifted her gaze, hazels swimming with tears. "I didn't hear you come in," she rasped, dragging a hand across her face, "S-sorry you had to see this."
Hank shook his head. "What's going on?" he probed, "How can I help?"
She sniffed and shook her head. "I dropped the milk," she croaked, "It's all over the floor and counters and-"
"Milk can be cleaned up," he said gently, "I can help. You want to go take a seat on the couch while I grab a mop?" Hank stood, ignoring the crack in his knees. He held out his arms to his daughter so she could stand. "Careful, might be slippery."
Hank tilted his head to the side. His girl was shaking slightly. "Erin," he said softly, "What's goin' on?"
"I-I worked so hard for it," she replied, her voice thick, "All I do is try to make enough to feed them and now my kids are going to go hungry because I dropped the fucking milk all over the floor."
"They're still sleeping," he promised, pointing to his two sleeping grandsons, "And-" He stopped again as more tears trickled down her cheeks. "I'm not saying the right thing, am I?"
Erin bit her lip harshly. She knew Hank was trying and she loved him for it, but he didn't understand. Jay wasn't going to understand either. As much as they loved her, they weren't moms. And all she wanted was her mom.
She burst into broken sobs, unable to keep them back any longer. Her chest was heavy and her body was exhausted. Erin brought her fingers to her face, shame rising in her core as she felt her father's worried gaze. He didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to do.
"I miss my mom," Erin wept, the words slipping through her lips before she could stop them, "I…I wish she was here. Camille." Another sob followed the name of his late wife and Hank felt his heart shatter.
Wordlessly, Hank brought his daughter into his arms and held closely. He felt her exhausted frame shake with emotion as she wept heavily, the weight of parenthood and being a mom to newborns clearly taking a significant toll on his impossibly strong and resilient not-so-little girl. "I wish she was here too," Hank whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of her head, "She'd be so proud of you."
Erin pulled back, shaking her head. "Please don't say that," she sniffed, "Jay keeps saying it and I can't hear it anymore, okay?"
Hank wrinkled his brow. "Kid-"
"Why the fuck would anyone be proud of this?" Erin asked, gesturing to the kitchen, "It's nearly two in the afternoon, I'm still wearing the same clothes I've been wearing for two days, the house is a disaster zone and I can't even feed my kids." Fat tears rolled down her cheeks with renewed vigor. "I can't keep hearing that you're proud of me. There isn't anything to be proud of."
"Sweetheart," Hank murmured, borrowing his late wife's nickname for their daughter, "You've got two incredibly perfect sons who are sleeping right over there. That's more than enough to be proud of."
"I barely got them out," she mumbled, "I almost killed my babies several times over because I was too stupid to listen to the doctors and now I can't even take care of them." Erin brought a hand to her forehead. "I-I can't keep doing this."
"Hey, hey," he said, carefully leading his daughter to the couch. He sat her down on one of the cushions and knelt in front of her, trying to meet her gaze. "You are doing the best you can, Erin. Two newborns is a lot to handle."
"My best isn't good enough," Erin replied, sniffing again, "I am just letting them down again and again. They don't deserve a mom like that. I know what it's like to grow up with a mom who sucks and I don't want that for my kids."
"You're exhausted," Hank told her sympathetically, "You haven't slept well in weeks. I know you've got a lot going on up there but I need you to hear me when I tell you that you are a good mom. A great one, in fact." He rubbed her hand gently as his girl's eyes filled with tears yet again. "Maybe Jay could-"
"I'm not calling him," she interrupted, "He doesn't need to deal with this on top of everything else." Erin wiped her eyes hastily. "He's just going to worry."
"He's got a right to," Hank said knowingly, continuing to rub her hand, "Something's going on, kiddo. I'm not helping but maybe he could."
"Nobody can help," Erin snapped, "It's on me, okay? It's my fault. I was the one who fucked up my body so badly that now I can't do anything right and it's my kids who are going to suffer because of it." She let out an angry breath. "It's always one thing after another with me, Hank. You know it and I know it."
"Erin-"
"You picked me up for solicitation!" she exploded, "I spent years doing drugs and drinking too much and now I'm a mom who can't keep her blood pressure down or make enough milk for her kids. I am a series of disappointments and Jay doesn't need to get a front row seat to yet another thing I can't do." With that, Erin erupted into another round of painful sobs, each breath louder than the last.
"Shh," Hank cooed, pulling his daughter in close again, "I've got you, sweetheart. I'm here."
Jay peeled into the driveway of his house, his heart pounding. He'd gotten a group text message from his boss recommending that Hailey pick up Piper from school so that he could come home early. Hank had mentioned stopping by to see Erin and the words that weren't typed out in the short text told a more worrying story. Erin or his boys needed him, and he wasn't there. And Erin hadn't reached out to him herself. And it was enough for his boss to group text him, his partner and his brother. Jay was fairly confident Hank had no idea how to even start a group text so the fact that he did had his heart in his throat.
He drew in a deep breath before slowly opening the side door. "Hey, kid," Hank greeted, "She's alright. Asleep on the couch."
Jay widened his eyes. His boss had both of his sons in his arms, each twin asleep against his chest. "Are they-"
"Clean diapers," Hank supplied, "Catching up on all the sleep they didn't get last night." He gave a small smile and tilted his head toward the living room. "I've got these two for a bit."
Jay nodded wordlessly, still processing the fact that his renegade cop of a boss was cradling his infant sons and had changed their diapers. He knew that Hank Voight had a soft spot for kids but seeing him with his own children always came as a shock. It had taken Piper several months to warm up to the sergeant but his boys seemed to know immediately that they were in their grandpa's arms.
He swallowed when he saw the sleeping form of his fiancé on their couch, her eyes red-rimmed from crying and sunken from weeks without sleep. She looked absolutely exhausted. As much as he wanted to carry her up to bed, Jay knew that waking up to an empty bed and empty bedroom would send his girl into a tailspin. Instead, he reached behind the couch to grab a blanket to cover her up so she could get a few more minutes of precious sleep but stopped when she startled. "Where-where are they?" she stuttered, ripping the blanket from her legs, "The boys, Jay, where are the boys?"
"Hank's got them," he said quickly, taking a seat on the coffee table, "They're sleeping with their grandpa and totally fine. Clean diapers, no tears." He offered a small smile. "Why don't you try to go back to sleep for a little?"
Erin shook her head and pushed herself up to a seated position. "I need to feed them," she mumbled. Her eyes widened. "Where is Noodle?" She looked around the living room rapidly. "It's passed pick up time."
"Hailey's got her." Jay put one hand on Erin's thigh, hoping the physical connection would help. "Our kids are all good, babe." He reached over to brush some hair from her cheek. "Boys are sleeping."
"I need to feed them," she repeated, bringing a hand to her chest, "If I don't, I-" She stopped and closed her eyes tightly.
"Er," Jay whispered, rubbing her leg gently, "Talk to me."
"I dropped the milk," she rasped, opening her eyes to meet his concerned baby blues, "I dropped it all over the kitchen and they need it." Erin took a shuddery breath. "I don't want them to be hungry."
Jay was quiet as he continued to rub her leg, hoping that his girl would let him in. He could see the words on the tip of her tongue. "Our boys are doing great, thanks to you. They have full tummies and they're growing stronger every day." His heart clenched when tears trickled down her cheeks. "Babe-"
"I can't do it," she whimpered, wiping her eyes hastily, "It's just another thing I can't do."
"You are doing it," Jay whispered, shifting from the coffee table to the couch so he could be closer to his girl, "You're an incredible mom and I'm so proud of you." He kissed the side of her head. "You're amazing."
At that, Erin dissolved into sobs. She crumbled into her partner's arms and wept into his henly while he held her tightly, pressing kisses atop her head and wiping the tears from her cheeks. "Something is wrong with me," she cried, "I can't give them what they need."
His chest ached painfully at each shudder from the love of his life. Motherhood was difficult and his girl was struggling beneath the weight of it all. As much as he wanted to, there was also only so much he could carry. They had an incredible support system as evident by his partner taking care of their little girl and his boss cradling his newborn sons, but in his heart of hearts, Jay knew they needed something more.
"I'm going to come with you to Dr. Hsu's tomorrow," Jay murmured against the top of her head, "You're not alone in this, babe. Not for a second."
Erin sniffed. She was supposed to have a three week check up that she cancelled because everything was fine – but that had been three weeks ago. Jay was back at work and as much as she loved the time at home to bond with her baby boys, the lack of sleep and overwhelming task of feeding her children had her feeling incredibly inadequate. "She'll call CPS," she whispered tearfully, "They'll take them away from us, the boys, Noodle-" A sob caught in her throat. "We can't."
Jay looked up to meet his sergeant's gaze. His boss was still carrying his sleeping grandsons in his arms and was wearing a look of concern that Jay seldom saw. "Our kids aren't going anywhere," he soothed, "They're staying here with us. They are so, so loved and they know that you love them too." He rubbed her shoulder and pulled her closer. "This is just a season, babe. Just a rough patch, but we're going to get through it."
"All our seasons are rough," she wept, shaking her head, "Every damn season and the reason it's like this is because I can't keep it together."
"No, no," he insisted, "Not at all." Jay held her closer. "This happens to lots of parents. The books talk about it, the internet has articles and journals and all sorts of literature on it. Your body has been through something incredibly difficult. It's not your fault at all."
Erin sniffed. "I should be able to feed my kids," she rasped, "I should be able to do it."
"You have been," Jay said gently, "But every situation is different. Some babies don't ever breastfeed. We planned for that, that's why we have all those bottles in the nursery. We can see what Dr. Hsu says and go from there." He kissed her head again. "You're not alone in any of this, my love. I promise."
She sniffed again. "You're not givin' up on me?"
Jay shook his head. "Never. You never gave up on me and I'm never giving up on you."
"Here you go, buddy," Piper said, carefully placing the baby bottle at Liam's lips, "It's okay." She looked up at Hank in surprise when the infant immediately accepted the bottle. "He did it."
Hank smiled proudly. "Great job, Peanut," he praised, bouncing lightly with Ryan in his arms, "This little man is all cleaned up and ready for his bottle too." He kissed his grandson's soft hair. He had sent his son in law and daughter upstairs for some proper rest while he stayed with his grandsons. When Hailey came by with Piper, both boys had immediately started fussing but thankfully, the little girl knew exactly what to do. She located frozen breastmilk underneath some prepared food in the freezer and went about preparing the baby bottles while he got the boys fresh diapers.
"Mommy and Daddy are still upstairs?" she asked, stroking the top of Liam's head, "Are they okay?"
"Mm-hm," Hank replied, "Just a little tired." He tilted his head to the side. "You're a little tired too, aren't you kiddo?"
Piper shrugged. "'s okay," she promised, forcing a smile, "I like getting to help with the boys." She looked down at Liam who was continuing to hungrily drink from the bottle. "He likes the bottle."
"These two have big appetites," Hank mused, lifting Ryan up to examine his grandson, "Are you going to be big and strong? Are you?" He looked back at the little girl seated on the couch. "What? He stop eating?"
Piper shook her head. "I just never heard you use that voice before," she said teasingly, "It's your baby voice."
Hank brought Ryan back down. "You don't like my baby voice?"
Piper managed a giggle. "I didn't say that. I just said I never heard you use that voice. 'cause you know, your voice is always kind of grumpy." She gave a knowing glance. "Hailey said I was probably the only person who could tell you that you were grumpy without you getting mad."
Hank raised his eyebrows before offering a smile. "She's right," he agreed, "You think Liam's done?"
Piper carefully took the empty milk bottle from her brother's lips. "He usually throws up after," she explained, passing the bottle to Hank before expertly lifting her little brother up onto her shoulder, "Daddy said it's called spit up which is why he goes like this." She patted Liam's back gently.
"So you're the expert, huh?" Hank asked, "You pay close attention to your folks."
She nodded. "I gotta pay good attention," she said, "'cause if anything happened to Mommy and Daddy, I would take care of the boys. That way they wouldn't be alone, like what Mommy did for me." She continued to pat Liam's back, "Plus I love them."
Hank swallowed, unsure of what to say. His sweet little peanut had been through a lot in her short life and had some very real fears that she had unfortunately come very close to having come true. As much as he wanted to refute the fact that anything could happen to both of her parents, he couldn't. "You are a very good big sister," he praised, "But you won't ever have to be alone."
"I know," Piper replied simply, "I would have them, and you." She offered a smile. "And Hailey and Will, right?"
"That's right," Hank said, "Nice job with Liam, Peanut. Wow. You got him to sleep." He glanced up to see his daughter on the steps, grasping Jay's hand tightly. "Is Ryan next?"
"Yes," she said, gesturing to the baby pillow in her lap, "He goes here. You might have to hold the bottle for him though, 'cause Liam gets very upset when Ryan gets held and he doesn't."
"I believe you." Hank carefully set his grandson in Piper's lap and put the bottle to his lips. "Am I doing it right?"
"Yep," she confirmed, kissing the side of Liam's head gently as he snoozed on her shoulder, "He's better behaved which Daddy says is surprising because his hair means he's like Uncle Will."
"What's this about Uncle Will?" Will asked, emerging from the laundry room with a basket of folded sheets and clothes, "Jay, are you bad mouthing me in front of your kids?"
Jay rolled his eyes. "Both boys get their preference for staying up all hours from their uncle." He pressed a kiss to the side of Erin's head before squeezing her hand tightly. "Thanks for stopping by, man."
"Any excuse to see my niece and nephews," he replied, shifting the basket of laundry onto his hip.
"Any excuse to see Hailey," Piper said cheekily, flashing a smile to the adults while continuing to pat her little brother's back. Her smile widened when Jay snickered and Will turned beet red. "I know I'm right."
"What about me, Snipes?" Hailey turned from the kitchen where she had been unloading the dishwasher, "Did Will do the laundry wrong?"
"No, you showed him the right way to fold." Piper gave her daddy another smile. "Don't worry Daddy, Hailey knows your methods too." Her lips fell slightly when she saw how sad her mommy looked. "What's wrong?"
Jay looked over at Erin and then back to his children. He wanted to tell Piper that everything was fine. But he also didn't want to lie to her. Her mommy wasn't fine. Her mommy was exhausted and overwhelmed and if he was being honest with himself, Jay wasn't sure what else he could do.
Erin opened her mouth to tell her sweet and impossibly mature little girl that she was fine, but the words wouldn't leave her lips. There was something about Piper's worried gaze that just knew. She couldn't put her finger on it, but her daughter could see the turmoil brewing behind her eyes.
Piper looked at the adults in the house. She knew something wasn't right and she also knew that they didn't want her to feel sad. It wasn't about her…she could tell that it wasn't, because when things were about her, people's eyes looked different. This was about her mommy. And Piper knew because Hank had the same look that her daddy did when he was worried about her after a nightmare. This time, Hank was looking down at the boys and over to her mommy over and over. And he was worried.
"It's been a difficult couple of weeks," Jay said finally, squeezing Erin's hand again, "But it's going to be just fine." He guided her down the steps, keeping his partner close. "Thank you so much for taking such good care of the boys."
Piper found her mommy's sad eyes. She was so, so tired. "What can I do?" she asked softly, "Can I make it better?"
Erin bit her lip, willing herself not to cry. "You are making it better," she managed, taking a tentative seat beside her three children, "You make everything better." She pressed her lips to the side of Piper's head. "I'm…to be honest with you Noodle, I'm not…I'm not myself, right now. And I don't know how to explain it and-" Her voice cracked, "And I'm so sorry."
"Mommy," Piper breathed, leaning in closer to her mommy, "It's okay. Daddy's gonna help, just like you did for him. And me and the boys are gonna be here, bein' brave."
This chapter got super long so I'm breaking it into two – happier stuff is up next to round out part 1. Would love to hear what you think and thanks for hanging out with me for a whole other year!