I really really have been trying to get some happier stuff going but it's just not coming to me…so if you have any happy requests, please please let me know.
Trigger warning for post-partum struggles - I did my best research but I know the experience can be different for everyone. Sending love to alllll the parents out there :)
Piper startled awake and gasped for breath, scrambling at the sheets beside her. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest as she glanced around her dark bedroom nervously. It was okay. She was home and she was safe. She was always safe at home because her mommy and daddy were right down the hallway and they would never let anything happen to her.
She took a deep breath and squeezed the sheets tightly in her hands. Dr. Murphy had taught her some breathing exercises to do when she felt nervous and Piper always tried her best to remember them, but it was hard in the moment. Before the boys came, her daddy would put his hand on her back and talk her through the bad dreams. He was patient with her and he never yelled, even when it felt like it was taking forever for her breath to come back.
Piper took another breath and shivered slightly. It was cold in her bedroom when she wasn't warm underneath all the covers. The covers were in a heap on the floor next to her, which meant she must have kicked them off. She climbed out of bed to gather up the blankets and paused when she heard a noise.
She dropped the blankets back on her bed and carefully padded across the bedroom toward her door, unsure of what she had heard. Most nights she could hear the boys screaming late at night because they were hungry or needed their diapers changed, usually accompanied by her mommy's voice trying to give the boys love and comfort. Sometimes she would hear her mommy crying softly too, because she was just so tired. She would also hear her daddy's voice talking her mommy or her little brothers. Even though he tried to hide it, he was tired too.
The light was on in her mommy and daddy's room, which meant that her parents were up with the boys. Piper resisted the urge to sigh. She wasn't sure what time it was, but with how dark it looked outside, she was pretty sure it was late. Her mommy had a long day at the doctor and had tried to take a nap and go to bed earlier, but the boys had been fussy and only wanted her.
And Piper understood that. Sometimes when she was having a bad day, she just wanted to snuggle against her mommy and feel her gentle fingers combing through her hair and kisses on her forehead. Her mommy always made her feel better, so it made sense that the boys wanted their mommy too.
She glanced down the hallway and realized that the lights were on downstairs too. Piper frowned. Tomorrow was a school day and a work day, which meant her daddy and her had to get up early. If her parents were still up, they wouldn't be able to sleep in either.
Piper walked slowly toward her parent's bedroom, hoping that maybe they had left the lights on downstairs on accident. She pushed open their bedroom door to find an empty room, unmade bed and her little brothers in their bassinets, both making fussy noises.
"Hi guys," she whispered, leaning over Liam and Ryan's bassinets, "How come you are up so late?" She offered a tired smile as Ryan squirmed uncomfortably in his sleeping suit. Liam didn't mind being all tucked in, but his brother did not care for it despite being the more passive twin.
Ryan let out a cry of displeasure. "You're not comfy," Piper determined, reaching a hand into her brother's crib, "Maybe it's too tight." She glanced around the bedroom, unsure of where her parents were. They were probably still downstairs, but one of them was usually with the boys. Her mommy and daddy never left them alone for long, even if it was the next room over.
Piper unclasped the sleep suit on Ryan and immediately he kicked his legs. "You like that better," she said knowingly, "But you're supposed to sleep all tucked in so you stay warm." She smiled when Ryan moved his arms. "That's better."
A gummy smile spread across Ryan's cheeks as he kicked his legs. "Pipes?" Jay rubbed his eyes tiredly, "Did they wake you up, kiddo?"
Piper turned her head. "He wasn't comfortable," she explained, "I don't think he likes his sleeping suit."
Jay's eyes widened. "He's…he's smiling," he said, disbelief in his voice, "He's smiling at you." He looked toward the door where his exhausted fiancé was emerging, "Babe, Ryan is smiling for Pipes!"
"What!" Erin hurried over and beamed. "Are you smiling for your big sister, bubs?" She kissed the top of Piper's head, "You are the baby whisperer, Noodle. He's been fussing all night."
"He doesn't like the sleeping suit," Piper told her, pointing to the material underneath her little brother, "He likes his arms and legs free." She smiled when Ryan kicked his legs again. "He's wiggling."
"I guess we know where he gets his smile from," Jay beamed, "He's got your dimples, babe." He leaned over to kiss the side of Erin's head. "Look at that smile."
Liam let out a loud wail. "Liam gets super jealous," Piper said knowingly, "Watch." She carefully reached into the crib and put her little hand on Liam's arm. Almost immediately his features relaxed and his big blue eyes focused on his big sister.
Erin and Jay exchanged a glance. "How'd you get them figured out so fast?" Jay asked, half joking. He'd always known his little bug was intuitive, but watching her recognize her brother's needs had him in awe.
Piper shrugged. "I don't know," she said thoughtfully, brushing some of Liam's soft blonde hair with her fingertips. "But Mommy always knows what I need. So maybe it's like that."
Jay kissed Erin's head again, smiling as his girl swallowed the lump in her throat. Their little bug was the sweetest little human on the planet. Even if Erin didn't always feel like she knew what Piper needed, hearing their daughter say it was exactly what she needed.
He had spent the morning in a visitor's chair bouncing Ryan in his arms while Liam snoozed in his stroller, desperately hoping to keep both of the boys quiet throughout Erin's six-week postpartum doctor's appointment. Jay took off the morning from work instead of going into the district like he'd originally planned. The day prior had been difficult, enough for Will, Hailey and Hank to all decide to spend the night. When Piper stirred from a nightmare, it was his partner who held his little girl until she fell back asleep and his brother who drove her to school that morning. Their little bug was worried about her mommy but putting on a brave face. As much as Jay knew that Piper's brave faces meant she was riddled with anxiety, he was forever grateful for his little girl.
Jay tried not to feel helpless while he watched Erin sit on the exam table, clearly willing every fiber of her being to remain steady while Dr. Hsu conducted the physical. He knew that even she knew that the doctor could tell something was off, but his girl didn't want to let the words leave her own lips.
Dr. Hsu was gentle and understanding, and left them with a recommendation to try introducing formula to the boys' diets. The doctor had confirmed what Erin had already suspected – her milk supply was on the lower side, so the boys weren't getting enough to eat when they nursed and therefore wanted to be fed practically around the clock.
He felt the guilt radiating off Erin as he drove them back home. Zero part of him had any desire to leave his family, and thankfully his boss knew it too. Hank offered to pick Piper up from school and after the boys went down for a nap, Jay sat with Erin in their bed, feeling like he was physically holding her together. His girl felt fragile, the exhaustion deep in her bones and he was beside himself with worry.
But finally, she slept. Erin slept for three straight hours against his chest, gripping his henly tightly in her fists. Jay laid awake while she finally got the rest her body had been craving, his eyes focused on the two sleeping newborns beside their bed.
Hank took Piper on a trip to the aquarium after school and then to dinner, so by the time the boys were up again, Jay was feeling more rested than he felt in weeks. He really hoped that they turned a corner. And a smile from his son was the bright spot they all needed.
"Are you gonna smile too?" Erin asked Liam, tickling his tummy, "You gonna give us a Halstead smile?"
"I think that's a Lindsay smile," Jay countered, running a finger under Ryan's chin as he continued to grin, "Nose might be mine but those dimples are trademark Lindsay." He pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek.
"You gotta try a funny face," Piper told Erin, offering a cheeky smile, "Like this." She stuck her tongue out to the boys and immediately a gummy grin appeared on Ryan's cheeks.
"C'mon babe," Jay teased, "Halstead boys are a big fan of comedy." He gave her a playful squeeze to the behind and earned a swat to the chest.
"Jay! Not in front of the kids," she admonished, her cheeks heating slightly. She pursed her lips and shook her head when Jay tried to steal another kiss from her cheek.
"Liam's doing it!" Piper squealed, practically bouncing up and down with excitement, "He thinks the googly eyes are funny!"
Erin glanced down at her sons and sure enough, both boys had wide smiles on as they looked up at their parents. "Oh, he's got a Halstead grin," Erin said, pointing to Liam, "I know that look anywhere."
"What do you think of the snow, little man?" Erin pointed out the window to the snow-covered backyard. The wind was whipping the trees around as Chicago was faced with yet another massive snowstorm. "Are you going to be a snow bunny like your daddy?" She smiled when Ryan nestled in against her neck. He was definitely the snuggly twin.
"Alrighty, fresh and clean," Jay announced, patting Liam's back, "Second diaper of the morning for this one." He kissed the top of Liam's head as he squirmed in his arms. "Well, really three. You're a little poop machine, bud."
"A poop machine and a screamer," Erin murmured, "I think he's our instigator, babe. He's always up first." She stroked Ryan's hair back gently. "Is your brother waking you up?" She frowned when a loud crack caught all of their attention from a branch falling in the backyard. Immediately both boys dissolved into sobs.
"Or mother nature," he replied dryly, "Just the wind guys, just the wind. Shh, shh, shh." He bounced lightly, hoping that the gentle motion would calm Liam down. "Maybe a bottle, babe."
Jay paused when he saw Erin bristle. The boys had been taking formula for about a week in addition to breastmilk – and it was a sore subject. Both Liam and Ryan were sleeping in longer stretches which was a welcome respite for their exhausted parents, but the fact that her breastmilk alone wasn't enough for the boys was weighing heavily on Erin. The last thing Jay wanted was for her to think that he thought it was her fault.
Unfortunately, the postpartum hormones had his girl blaming herself and even though the extra sleep was helping a bit, Jay could see her struggling. "I didn't-"
"It's fine," she interrupted briskly, "Wasn't like I pumped enough last night anyway." She drew in a breath, frustration bubbling in her stomach. "Please stop looking at me like that."
Jay immediately averted his gaze. They didn't need to argue, not when they had two frightened babies. He paused when he heard the familiar sound of tiny feet scampering down the hallway. Make that three frightened babies.
"Hey, kiddo," Jay called, trying to keep his voice light, "We're all in the living room."
His chest ached when he caught sight of his little girl. Even from across the room he could see that she was shaking slightly, clearly disturbed by the loud storm that was outside. "We're okay," he said, softening his voice, "It's windy out there, huh?"
Piper gave a small nod, her little hand clutching the banister tightly. She wasn't sure what to do. Both of the boys were fussy, which meant they needed their mommy and daddy. She didn't want to be scared when her little brothers were scared too. She was the big sister. She was supposed to be brave.
"Daddy and I were going to give the boys their bottles," Erin piped up, offering the warmest smile she could muster for the sake of her child, "Do you want to help?" She swallowed the lump in her throat. Piper was perceptive. She could always, always tell when something was going on between her and Jay. It made disagreements difficult to hide but they ultimately agreed it made them better parents.
But it was really complicated when her hormones were getting the better of her and Jay was just trying to help. Erin resisted the urge to tilt her head back in aspiration. She really was the worst. And now her first baby was afraid and she didn't even have the energy to try to comfort her.
Piper took a deep breath, trying to be braver. It was just a storm outside. She was safe inside, and her mommy and daddy and brothers were there too. Even though it was scary, it was okay. She managed a tiny nod and took a step toward her parents.
And then the lights flickered briefly.
Piper squeezed her eyes shut in anticipation. The wind whipped loudly outside and suddenly, all Piper could hear was the sound of her little brothers screaming. Her heart pounded in her ears as she tried to focus on her daddy's voice. "It's okay," Jay soothed, crossing the living room as quickly as he could, Liam still wailing in his arms, "The lights are still on, bug. You can open your eyes. The storm really has the wind going, but we're safe and warm in here." He bounced Liam again and exchanged a look with Erin. His partner was frozen in the middle of their living room, unsure of what to do.
Jay reached out a hand to place on his daughter's back. He grimaced. She was positively trembling. "It's just me," he whispered, sinking down on the steps beside her while still balancing Liam in one arm, "Well, me and Liam. But we're here. And we're okay." He rubbed her back carefully, feeling his child tense and continue to shake.
Piper cracked open her eyes, still squeezing the banister as tightly as she could. Her daddy was calm. And he wasn't angry. "I'm sorry," she croaked, "I didn't mean to."
He looked up at Erin again. Jay could see the heartache brewing behind her eyes. It was always hard for her to see their little girl be afraid. "You're allowed to feel scared," Jay said softly, continuing to rub her back in the hopes that his hand would bring his first baby's racing heartrate down, "Everyone feels scared sometimes."
Piper shook her head. "I'm sorry," she repeated, swallowing the lump in her throat, "The boys are scared too."
"They're just a little hungry," Jay assured her, offering a reassuring smile, "They're okay." He looked to his partner, hoping she could provide a smile as well. Erin was standing rigidly with Ryan. "Ryan even stopped crying. I think he might be worried about you."
Piper widened her eyes in alarm. "I don't want him to be worried," she rushed out, her rapid heartbeat accelerating beneath Jay's palm, "I'm not supposed to do that."
Jay furrowed his brow slightly. "Kiddo-"
"Little kids aren't supposed to worry," Piper continued, her voice cracking, "And he's a baby. I shouldn't be making them worried, it's not fair."
"Ryan's okay," Erin said, breaking her silence. She wished her voice sounded steadier, but she was somehow out of her element. Nothing felt natural or right. "He's just fine." She found Jay's worried eyes. "He's not worried, sweetheart."
Piper bit her lip. She didn't want either of her little brothers to be worried. Her parents always said it was their job to worry about her and she didn't need to worry about them. But now she was the big sister. She could worry about the boys, but she didn't want them to worry about her. "I don't want them to worry about me," she managed, "I don't."
"I was just kidding," Jay said lamely, smoothing some of Piper's hair back, "I was trying to make you feel better and it didn't work." He shifted Liam carefully. His other son had quieted as well. "Both the boys are okay."
Piper took a shaky breath. The wind was howling outside and it was still dark out. She was trying to be brave but it was hard. She never liked big storms. It was better when she could climb into bed with her mommy and daddy, but when she went to look for them this time, they were gone. It was like her nightmares were coming true.
"Do you want to sit on the couch with us for a bit?" Jay hedged, "Maybe you could help me make the bottles while Mommy holds the boys? You did such a good job yesterday."
"Liam's closing his eyes though," she whispered, glancing down at her little brother, "I-I can do the bottles so you can sit with him."
Jay looked down. His son was indeed starting to doze off again, which meant it was a perfect time for a bottle and a nap. The wigglier twin was usually slower to settle and he really didn't want to wake him again. But his little bug also needed connection.
"What if you take Ryan?" Erin offered, shifting the baby in her arms, "He loves snuggles from his big sister." She leaned down to kiss his soft hair. "How about if you and Daddy sat with the boys for a little?"
Erin drew in a breath as she scooped the formula powder into the baby bottles. It felt like giving up. Her own body had given up on her and realized that she wasn't fit to take care of her babies like she planned. She hated it.
Jay had been the one to prepare the bottles in the days prior. Without her saying it aloud, he understood how much she resented herself. And he wasn't pressing her to talk about it. He was patient and gentle and understanding…
And she'd been short, irritable and dismissive.
She closed her eyes. He didn't deserve that. Her boys didn't deserve it and neither did her little girl. She needed to get a grip. She needed to be better.
Erin swallowed the lump in her throat as she shook the bottles to dissolve the formula. The boys had been sleeping better and were somewhat less fussy. They were still babies, but she could sleep for two hours instead of one, which was an improvement. She swallowed again. What kind of mother was resentful of the fact that her children were full and happy?
"We've got a smile over here, babe," Jay called, gesturing to Piper with his head. Their baby girl was holding Ryan carefully in her arms while Liam's eyes continued to droop. Ryan was clearly enthralled by Piper's tongue which she kept sticking out at him. "Ry-Guy is definitely the funny twin."
She swallowed again. It was an adorable sight – all three of her babies were on the couch with the love of her freaking life and the father of her babies. Jay was beaming and the boys were content. It was perfect. Despite the raging storm outside and the turmoil within her heart, their home was warm and full of the love she always dreamed of filling it with.
"I thought you were taking her for ice cream," Hailey said, wrinkling her brow when she saw her partner in the bullpen, "What happened?"
Jay nodded and brought his finger to his lips before gesturing to the child in his lap. "Fell asleep in the parking lot," he murmured, rubbing his face with one hand. "I was going to bring her home instead but Erin said Liam was having an absolute meltdown and that it would be better if she took a nap." He shifted Piper slightly, hoping that she would stay asleep while he continued his work from his desk. "Apparently all the shots they got at the pediatrician the other day can make for two very grumpy babies."
After almost four months of desk duty, Jay was due to be cleared for full duty in a matter of days and while he was looking forward to getting back into the action, he was also really nervous. Erin had been twenty-eight weeks pregnant with the boys when he took an unexpected knife to the back after running into a scene without backup. A week in the hospital and three weeks on medical was followed by two weeks of desk duty before the twins arrived and then Jay was out of the office again, this time in the hospital with Erin.
When three weeks of furlough ran out, he was officially back on desk duty. It was the flexibility he needed while Erin was home on maternity leave with their sons, dealing with endless feedings and diaper changes. Desk duty allowed him to stop by the house to check in at lunchtime and again after picking up Piper from school…but he knew it wasn't enough. His incredibly stubborn fiancé was adamantly against a nanny despite his best efforts to try to convince her otherwise.
And Jay didn't want to push. At eight weeks postpartum, his girl was still incredible fragile. Her incision from the c-section had mostly healed and her blood pressure had finally, finally stabilized to a better level, but Jay was growing increasingly concerned about her overall well-being. It wasn't that she wasn't a good mom – the exact opposite. Erin was a truly amazing mother. She loved the boys and they loved her right back, but it was in the words she didn't say that were tugging at his heart. Jay knew his partner like the back of his hand and he knew in his heart that she was struggling.
Their boys were becoming little people now that they were smiling and spending more time awake. There was so much joy in seeing them grow and learn, and even more joy in seeing Piper watch in awe. All of his kids were growing up before his very eyes.
But it was still hard. The boys had been taking formula for two weeks since Erin's postpartum check up. He knew that the fact that her body wouldn't allow her to give the boys all they needed was absolutely crushing for Erin. She was blaming herself even though it wasn't her fault at all. Part of him hoped that the formula wouldn't work, that the boys would still be fussy like he knew all babies could be, but a larger part wanted his boys to get what they needed to grow. And the formula had really made a big difference.
"Boys are still up all night?" Hailey asked, extending a travel cup to Jay, "Ruzek asked for it but you clearly need it more."
Jay accepted the cup gratefully. He honestly stopped counting the number of trips he was taking to the breakroom for a cup of coffee-flavored water. "They've been only up once around midnight," he said, "And then around four-thirty, usually. The formula's helping and that new sleeping thing Kim brought over for Ryan. Little dude did not like being all tucked in like his brother." He took a long sip of coffee and grimaced. "What is this?"
"Oh, it's a tea," Hailey told him, "Probably a good thing. Erin told me about how much coffee you've been drinking." She gave him a smirk. "Sorry, Halstead. She worries."
Jay just shook his head. "I know," he managed, "I've been solid, though. It's her I'm worried about. And this one." He gestured with his head to Piper. "I know she's been waking up early because of the boys but I don't think she's sleeping. Or Erin."
Hailey raised her eyebrows. "Are you sleeping?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I saw Dr. Kim yesterday and I've really been doing okay. Erin hasn't said anything." Jay exhaled. "Even though she isn't nursing as much she's still up to pump and stuff. And this whole thing is really weighing on her." Jay paused. "Sorry. I shouldn't be unloading on you."
"'s what I'm here for," Hailey assured him, "Don't worry. Lips are sealed, but I'm here if you need me."
Jay gave a grateful smile. "Thanks. I um, I actually do. Need you." He tilted his head toward Piper again. "She's been incredible. Like, really incredible. Diapers, bath time, bottles…she's there whenever we need her. But Erin and I can't get in. To her head, I mean. She's doing that thing where she's being so brave but-"
"She's still a ten year old kid who's been through a hell of a lot," Hailey supplied, "I hear you. I'll see what I can do next time we hang out." She raised her eyebrows. "You want me to get you coffee from the breakroom, don't you?"
"Please," he said, extending his empty coffee cup, "Thanks, Hails. Really."
Piper stirred against his chest. "Daddy?" she mumbled sleepily, rubbing her eyes, "Sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep."
"That's okay," he assured her quickly, pressing a kiss to her forehead, "I know the boys have been messing with all of our sleep patterns, huh?"
Piper shrugged. "'s okay. They're better now that they get bottles at the same time, 'cause one of them always got jealous before."
He smiled. Piper was so in tune with her little brothers. He and Erin had honestly expected it given how perceptive their sweet little bug was with adults and even other kids, but watching her with his sons filled him in ways he couldn't articulate. "You are so good with them," he praised, "I know I promised you some after school ice cream. You want to take a little adventure?"
"But you don't really like ice cream," Piper said knowingly. She looked at the clock before looking to Jay in alarm. "And Mommy probably needs help with the boys."
Jay resisted the urge to frown. He and Erin both loved how much Piper loved the boys, but neither of them wanted her to think that caring for them was a full time responsibility for her as well. Erin's mama-bear instincts were on high alert with the babies but also about Piper, and Jay had heard repeated concerns about how willing to help Piper was. On one hand, it was a good thing to have the help but on the other…he knew there was more at play.
"She might," he said after clearing his throat, "But-" Jay looked over at Hailey after she set the coffee on his desk. "Thanks, Hailey."
"No problem. Hey, Snipes." She offered a big smile to the little girl. "How's my favorite Halstead?"
Piper returned a small smile. "I thought Will was your favorite Halstead," she said, raising her eyebrows, "'cause he replaced Daddy as your favorite."
Hailey shook her head playfully. "Nope. You replaced your dad the minute we met," she told her, "Because you are so much more fun."
"Hey, babe," Jay greeted. He knocked lightly on the bedroom door and gave his fiancé a smile. "I brought takeout and-"
"Where's Piper?" Erin asked, glancing around her Jay's shoulder worriedly, "Jay? Where is she?"
"She's with Hailey." He stepped into the bedroom cautiously. His girl looked exhausted and while that wasn't out of their new ordinary, something else was off. The sheets from their bed were half off the mattress and there were several piles of clothes scattered around the room. "She's totally fine. My brother's there too."
He resisted the urge to frown at Erin's unchanged demeanor. In truth, he wasn't in a great mood either. It felt like his heart had been stepped on when Piper suggested they go home to see Erin and the boys instead of going for ice cream. His little girl usually loved to go on after school adventures with him.
It hurt even worse when the buzzer sounded and his big brother came up into the bullpen. His little bug broke out in the biggest smile he'd seen in a while and abandoned his lap to give Will a hug. Jay was trying not to take it personally – it was a good thing that Piper loved and trusted Will – even though he was pretty jealous.
He couldn't say no when Will offered to take Piper for dinner. Piper being excited to eat was another good thing, but it still stung to watch his big brother and his partner leave with his baby girl. Will was only trying to help, and Jay knew that Erin did need him at home, and it was good that Piper was happy and distracted…but it wasn't how he wanted to spend his Thursday afternoon.
Jay knew that twin newborns would be an adjustment for all of them. It was a huge adjustment for Erin, emotionally, physically and in every possible way, but it was also a giant adjustment for him and Piper. They had a happy little family with the three of them and he and Erin could dedicate all the attention on their daughter who had spent most of her life being neglected. As much as he loved their new sons, a part of him missed the simplicity of their life as a family of three. Even if it wasn't all that simple.
Erin let out a heavy sigh when Ryan's features crumbled and the silence in their room was replaced by baby wails. "I got him," Jay offered, reaching into the bassinet to lift his son. "Hi, bubba." He glanced around the bedroom, taking in just how messy it was. "Did you and your brother make some messes?"
"Their mommy has been sweating through the sheets," she said dryly, tugging the sheets off the bed to add to the pile on the floor, "More laundry."
"We could look into a nanny." Jay rubbed Ryan's back gently while Erin looked at him in disbelief. "I know we talked about maybe after maternity leave but there are two of them, babe. It's a lot."
"It's fine," Erin said flippantly, wrestling the fitted sheet off the mattress, "I don't feel good about introducing another change in our house. Noodle has been so good and I feel like another thing could send her over the edge."
"She has been good," he agreed, "But a nanny wouldn't be for her. They could help with these two rascals and take some of the pressure off you." He bounced slightly on his feet when Ryan whined. "You're still healing also. And we can't put things off just because we're worried about how Pipes will react."
"We don't need a fucking nanny, Jay," Erin snapped, turning from attempting to free the fitted sheet. "I don't need another person looking at me like I'm incompetent and someone else for my kids to love more than me."
Jay froze. "Erin-"
"Do not try to talk me down," she growled, stepping backward from her partner when he took a step forward to her, "I know what you're trying to do."
He set Ryan back into his bassinet carefully. "It's been a really long week," he said, trying to keep his voice even. All he wanted to do was grab her by her shoulders and shake her silly. Erin was the farthest thing from incompetent. "I can keep an eye on the boys while you-"
"You don't always need to save me," Erin managed, shaking her head rapidly, "I can do this, okay?"
"I know that," Jay tried, "I'm just trying to help, babe." He swallowed. "I'm worried about you."
He watched as her eyes clouded. "You are an incredible mom," he continued, "You are and I'm not just saying that because you're the mother of my kids, but you are incredible. And you are exhausted and you have been through so much and I hate that I can't be here with you during the day to help more."
At that, Erin's features crumbled and the iron wall she'd attempted to erect around her heart fell. "I hate this," she whispered painfully, gesturing to her body, "I wanted to love every minute and instead I-"
Jay hurried forward and brought her into his arms, unable to leave any amount of space between them. "They are incredible," Erin wept, pushing away from her partner, "Our kids are the most incredible little people and I hate myself for not-" She stopped as soon as the words left her lips, tears streaming down her cheeks. The love of her life was staring into her soul, unshed tears behind his own eyes as he absorbed the pain and anguish in her voice.
"Take them," she rasped, pushing away further from his gaze, "Take Noodle and the boys and keep them safe and-"
"Babe," Jay managed, shaking his head rapidly. He grasped her arm carefully. "I'm not taking our kids anywhere. Especially not away from you." He brought a hand to her cheek and brushed away tears that were quickly replaced. "We don't do that, remember?"
"We need to change the rules," Erin argued, sniffing loudly, "I can't…I can't go on like this."
Jay nodded. "You can't," he replied thickly, "I know that, Er. And I am so worried about you." He held her hand in his own, rubbing her shaking fingers. His heart was breaking. It hurt to see Erin struggling so much but it hurt even worse to know that he'd made her feel the way he was feeling months before when he was recovering from the knife to the back.
He swallowed. He needed to put those guilty thoughts out of his mind and focus on what Erin needed, and what his family needed.
It was her shaky voice that brought him back. "I think I need help," she rasped shamefully, "I don't know what to do, I can't-"
"We're going to get you help," Jay promised, brushing the tears off her cheeks, "Whatever you need, babe." He brought his lips to her forehead. "I'm not going anywhere and neither are our kids. That's a promise."
"I'm so sorry." Erin crumbled into his chest, heavy sobs wracking her frame. She couldn't keep them back as his hands ghosted over her body, his lips at her forehead. Erin sobbed underneath the weight of it all – exhaustion, guilt, overexertion – all of it.
"I'm going to call Will," Jay whispered, "He'll take care of the kids. It's going to be okay."
Erin sniffed. "We can't…we can't leave them," she croaked, "They need us."
"They do need us," he agreed, "But they need us to be okay in the long term. Both of us." Jay held her closer. "We're going to be okay. For us and for them."
It has been taking me so much longer to get the chapters written than in previous installments but I hope you're still reading and staying safe. I really am trying to make the chapters happier so thank you for sticking around!