A rectangle of golden light slips across the dark carpet of the cool bed chamber, marred only by a shadow dashing inside before it slips away as fast as it appeared. The owner of the shadow softly sighs into her reading chair, taking this blessed moment to herself in order to revel in her large mug of tea. As the gentle billowing of steam lingers and drifts upwards, she notes how her limbs are screaming from overuse and how even the heavily filtered morning light is too much to deal with. With a mental focus, she closes the hefty curtains and takes a slow inhale of her brew before taking a sip of the liquid heat. Gleefully suffering the burn in exchange for the calming flavor, she allows her mind to be awash in the strength of the chamomile and the whisper of lavender paired with the sweet depths of fresh wildflower honey.
When the risk of first degree burns grows too great, in spite of her inhuman healing factor, she sets the mug aside, opting to lift her book from the side table. Though she picks up where she left off last night, she's already read this book several times over. Through sheer habit, her body falls into a reading trance as her eyes glide across the printed words, unable to retain any of the meanings. Her mind is already far off, deep in thoughtful pondering brought on by many factors that have shaped her young adult years.
The first, most obvious thing to note is how she feels as if something is amiss. Neither good nor bad, just different, strange, foreign. Like something is changing, but she just can't see how so. As if someone were meticulously moving her furniture one inch at a time, in any direction, over the course of the past few months. At times, she can swear that she's tracking something, like another presence, but as much as her skills have improved -being that she can now extend her spatial awareness of every living thing within a radius of one mile if she really tries- the city shore line is just out of reach for her to pick up an aura. Dealing with the rest of the Titan's emotions and auras is a job on its own, so whatever is happening isn't welcome.
Aside from feeling out of place, the rest of her friends seem to be doing wonderfully in their new skin and status as fully fledged adults. From the youngest of the group maturing nicely to the oldest having a good rapport with the Justice League, the Titans are doing fairly well. Except for herself. Quite honestly, she feels useless overall. Like an outsider peering in while her team changes from unsure teens into confidant young adults, like they're growing without her while she remains stagnant. Feeling no more than the scum creeping on the surface of still, nasty water. In the face of becoming older, they have matured in ways that do make Raven jealous, she is adult enough to admit that. However, it's also almost like they haven't changed. Isn't blossoming into adulthood supposed to feel different or have people react differently?
Cyborg and Beast Boy, now Changeling, still love pigging out and playing video games. The years of training have proven kind to the morphling and technological advances from the past five years have improved Cy to degrees that put their younger selves to shame. Still very much heroes and now they look the part. Cyborg has already been approached by the Justice League as the eldest and has gone on to shadow several heroes. Through his attentive work and dedication to righting wrongs and helping people, the League has started to consider a merger with the Titans as a whole.
There are moments in between games where Raven catches Cyborg's occasional distanced gaze into the ether. The entire team has seen their fair share of the depth of human evil and the capacity for violence. There have been lessons that needed learning, some being the most vile medicine to swallow down. But whatever Cyborg has witnessed while interning, it's changed him. Yet he still manages to remain loud, proud, and all around jovial.
Maybe this merger is what the rest of the team needs in order to fully understand the scope of what being an adult hero is. The prospect, when it was first mentioned a couple years ago, already had BB consider changing his hero name to something more, as he puts it, manly. As humorous as it is to imagine that he's only changing his name because Robin first mentioned it for himself, Raven understands that sticking with 'boy' in his name would open the dam for the League to not take him seriously. It'll be hard enough for him considering his laid-back personality and prankster tendencies.
Of course, that goes without mentioning deep-set trauma from his youth that he still refuses to talk about to this day. Raven knows it has something to do with his parents and his first hero team. The stint with The Brotherhood of Evil made that obvious. Pair that with his unending hope for an amnesiac woman with a dash of the werebeast within and the young man would be under heavy scrutiny of the League. But the hero friends can't force him to open up, only guide him.
Starfire still outwardly shares her traditional Tameranian culture and festivities that seem to occur every day of every week of every month for every galactic year. It's unsurprising that she has developed into a breathtaking lady with a build that would rival Wonder Woman's, yet in the face of her no-nonsense attitude she still remains the alien of joy. More so when she simply cannot contain her love for Robin at times. Luckily, their relationship since Tokyo has been different, but welcome for the whole team.
On the other hand, the one who seems most unchanged is Nightwing, the former Robin. There's a lot that they have discussed as friends who share a mental bond, including what life was like for him when Batman took him in at the ripe age of nine. To learn that one of the Seven Founders of the Justice League cultivated the raw, natural talent of a former circus boy, it's tough to say whether such a thing should or shouldn't have been done. From what Nightwing admitted to Raven, his mind was a dark place and if it weren't for Batman being the guiding force for justice, not revenge, he might have become like the very man who killed his family. But young Robin left Batman's cave and though he hasn't been open as to why, Raven is left to assume much.
But to take into consideration how he's even more uptight since rumors of the merger, it wouldn't be far off to guess that Robin left to find out who he is as a young man without a helicopter parent and now he wants to prove to the only father figure he has that he's capable and independent. He's already getting a head start on the League's conditions for the unification, spreading himself thin gathering intel and reports of all current Honorable Titans who might want to expand their reach from local aid to something a little broader, even planetary aid if need be or being on the lookout for any meta-youths who need some direction like any of the current Titans did. The sheer amount of stress would weigh down the great and mighty Atlas, but like Bat, like bird.
Though, Star has admitted to Raven in secrecy that every once in a while, as an unhealthy distraction, he'll camp out in the trophy room and search for the only true threat to the Titans who hasn't shown himself to the team since Changeling found Terra with amnesia. Not even a robot of his image to cause havoc. Still, Nightwing looks for him when he has the moments to spare no matter what any of the other Titans advise.
As far as crime in the city goes, as usual the Titans take out petty criminals and perform rescues from natural or unnatural disasters here and there, but there has been nothing that needed Raven's full attention or power. Being a hero has become a dull duty she now performs solely to honor her unspoken oath she made when she joined the team. Nothing truly puzzling happens in the city or the surrounding area. She is just doing her job.
Off-duty life isn't much better for the sake of stimulation. She loves the Titans to death, but lately the earthly cycle is becoming routine, predictable.
Raven loves her team, but she wishes something would make her life worth living for, not simply living in. To fill this void and cast away the uncertainty. Anything to correct this feeling of wrongness that permeates her foresight.
Anything to remind her how to live contentedly outside of her heroic status.
It has been five years since she'd defeated her father. However, now that her former destiny is no more... now that she has no prophecy to fulfill…, where is she to go from here?
After plunging the world into ruin, even if only for a little while, and defeating her father, she hoped that saving the world from the Brotherhood of Evil and, later, Broshogun would be enough to make up for her mistakes. Certainly, both events had been a moderately significant chapter in her growth as a Titan, and perhaps as a person.
But she can't ignore the sense that there is a definite end to her current chapter. And it is approaching fast.
Raven finds herself halfway through the book and at the bottom of her mug when she can sense the mental realm within her mind rise up; a multitude of her voice echoing with different inflections. Over the years, she's been able to graduate from needing the focusing mirror in order to briefly converse with her emoticlones to only using it for serious introspection.
"We need to keep busy," the yellow hued Knowledge states.
"Let's go unearth some criminals and take 'em down!" Brave interjects, her forest green cloak fluttering with her movements.
"Let's go have fun for once," the pink Happy mumbles, her tone strangely gloomy.
"Quiet," Raven hisses outwardly to herself. "I'm very well aware of my current state of mind."
The ashen colored woman stands, stretching the last of the training fatigue away as her joints sing in the tongue of it's people. With a final sigh while glancing at the book, she levitates it back to it's spot on her shelves.
"Perhaps a new book," Knowledge mutters. "We've already read everything in our library at least twice."
"I have no room," Raven dryly huffs, grabbing her mug to return to the kitchen.
Upon arrival, it's evident that Cyborg has won a match of whatever racing game he and Changeling are playing, the green man next to him grumbling miffed nuances. The score between the two of them is close, but Raven knows that the points don't matter to the men. It's actually not very often for Cy to have spare time to chill. Between hero work for Jump City and his internship aboard the Justice League's Watchtower, he barely has time for himself and any moment he can, he visits Bee on the other coast. Because of his best friend always being absent, Changeling has found other outlets, but he also has been trying to spend time with Terra, always with a hope that she'll finally remember him, but making new memories along the way.
Starfire floats in front of Raven, stirring some putrid smelling dish in a bowl while watching the video game battle. The cloaked woman feels bad for the utensils the Tameranian so carelessly uses. The alien hums, at a moderate volume, a strange song that doesn't seem to have any melodic sense to Raven, who blocks out the noise with ease. If the group of friends thought Star's alien antics were odd enough years ago, they'd be shocked how it could have been weirder. With her falling into adulthood, her status as a princess has demanded more out of her as should be expected for royalty of any kind. According to Star's father, it is the princess' duty to know of all the special occasions her people may celebrate including all the dances, fights, songs, battles, and cuisine. It is also the princess' duty to be the most righteous in order to protect all that she holds dear. In the case that she need to take the throne, there's a lot she's been preparing for while still balancing her hero work and her relationship.
Speaking of, Nightwing is no where to be seen at the moment. As she thinks about him, their bond pulses, alerting her of his urgency as he storms through the halls heading right for the team. Moments later, he bursts into the common area- just as the alarms overhead blare.
"It's Mammoth and Jinx. The news shows that they're at the city bank on Freight Street. Titans, go!" He sounds more tired than normal as he leads the charge to their vehicles.
Star drops her concoction to zip behind her boyfriend, a serious firmness along her lips flanked by the other men as they follow their leader. Raven, already bored of the continuous hi-jinks of the former H.I.V.E. agents, she shadow slips along the land. When she pops out of a shadow across the street, Raven notes how she's the first responder for the seized bank.
As the metahumans haven't noticed her presence yet, she uses this chance to first observe civilian safety. While there are people gathering in groups to be nosy, they are at a moderate distance away. The people have gotten complacent in these potentially high-stress events, even if they are used to these particular villains it is no excuse to risk being the target for a stray bit of rubble for the sake of watching. Nevertheless, they are fine. There don't seem to be any injured which was concerning for a moment as there are crushed vehicles around the bank. The highest priority falls on the safety of the employees and customers trapped inside by Mammoth.
Jinx is commanding and ordering the people to cooperate in handing over everything shy of their clothes, using her hex magic to coax the process along. Children look frightened as things fly over their heads or explode around them, tellers who were most likely expecting a normal day are visibly shaken with their color drained from their faces as Jinx punches a small female guard unconscious, the other guards already having tried their best against the woman.
Raven decides on her first course of action.
"For the last time, people! Put everything in the bags or I'll start looting corpses," Jinx sternly says with a juxtaposing Chesire smile.
Suddenly, she realizes a band of black magic has tightened around her middle. Before she can react or cast a hex, she is pulled from her feet and flies backwards through the bank doors making a solid connection with what she is sure is Mammoth. Hissing, she glances up to see the hero witch and spits at her name like a curse.
"Again with the desperate crime, Jinx?" Raven queries, though not really invested in her foes nor their conversation. "How you guys keep escaping is beyond me."
"You wouldn't understand what we've gone through and what we need to do in order to survive."
"You relish in the destruction you cause nor do you seem remorseful of any lives you have taken. You're right, I don't understand and I don't think I want to."
She fully encases the two in orbs of dark energy to keep them contained, hopefully knocking them out in the meantime. However, with her mental chaos causing a lapse in her tight control the magic is shattered by brute strength or a strong hex. Raven moves to summon more magic to defend herself as the two drop to the ground, heading right for her.
By the will of Azar does the annoying horn of the T-Car distract the criminals long enough for the other Titans to make a stand with a coordinated attack.
It admittedly takes the pale woman a moment to spring back into action and with little collateral damage, the H.I.V.E rejects are apprehended once more by the special police trained for dealing with metahuman prisoners.
A lot of the time spent on site was waiting for them to show up in the first place. The regular city emergency services have already come by for their jobs like the police taking the heroes statements or ambulances checking on any crime-related maladies. But once everything was said and done, Raven opted to join Cyborg in the T-Car for the ride home.
Metal doors of the underground access tunnel and later the garage doors slide open with ease, and within minutes, the team of five flood into the large living area. After some small, relatively cheery chatter about how easily the villains were taken down today- and critical pointers from Nightwing about strategy- the teams disperses back into their individual morning -now afternoon- tasks.
Instead of picking up the racing game, Cyborg gets a pager alert for the League and promises the green man to kick his ass, virtually, later as he returns back to the garage. Visibly upset, though Raven can feel that he is understanding and is trying to suppress it, Changeling sinks into the couch.
Starfire nudges Nightwing, rather ending up shoulder checking him, before she returns to her noxious dish whose contents have expanded so much that one cannot find the bowl in the mess. She turns to Raven who is attempting to discreetly make her exit.
"Friend Raven, would you like to join us until lunch is ready?"
Raven purses her muted lips for a moment before shaking her head. "No, thank you. Maybe some other time."
She eyes Nightwing setting up Extreme Jenga in order to lift the shifter's mood though his own shoulders droop.
"Make sure he gets some rest, Star. Even if you have to knock him out. If you give him a concussion, send him my way so I can heal him."
Star softly laughs, floating lazily by with a gentle smile. "I've been working on my strength control, thanks to your meditation guidance. Though," her gaze darkens, "he's been stubborn as of late. Hard to read at times. Driven by something…"
She shakes her head and returns a soft smile. "I'll take your advice on rendering him the unconscious."
"It was mainly a joke, but if that's what it's truly going to take…"
"Would you," Star pipes up, hesitant that she said something this time, "like to join us after lunch?"
Raven manages a grin for her friend. "I really need to meditate. I will admit that it might be for something serious, so I may or may not be able to make it. I don't want to make any promises, but I'll try."
Starfire knows better than to argue and simply nods, complying with Raven's silent wishes to be left alone. She knows that Raven has her off-days, though they have been more frequent as of late. She wishes to help, but she has learned that her ways of dealing with the inner struggle is different from her friend's. Starfire knows that she still misunderstands human subtleties and is careful about pushing boundaries, so she lets her friend go for now.
Raven heads back to her room, phasing through the floor with the initial plan to meditate. She sits on her bed in the lotus position and closes her eyes. Deep, collected inhale and a slow, silent exhale. Palms up, resting on her knees she brings her ever familiar mantra. For the duration of her time, she struggles to reel in her mind. Her recent development of being unfocused has become irritating and affecting her capability of being a hero.
She forces herself through meditation for nearly four hours before helplessly sprawling on her bed, alone and quiet, with her own mind driving her to the brink of insanity for many countless hours after that. Fed up with feeling sorry for herself, Raven rolls over the mattress and stands, slowly stretching until an embarrassing gurgle makes its announcement. She is starving.
A glance at her bedside clock denotes the time being just past two in the morning, so she quietly makes her way to the common area. A peek in the fridge, a rummage through the pantry, hoping to find something small and convenient to eat. A little something to take back to her room.
After much deliberation- far too much- she settles on a plastic sleeve of lightly salted crackers.
Quickly phasing back, she pops open the package and nibbles on a cracker while she ponders as to what to do. She's not the least bit tired, despite the fact that she should be and she's had enough with failing at mediation. She paces as she noms, her eyes wandering when they catch on an old, familiar book spine.
Shoving the last bit of her cracker in her mouth, she pulls the worn book from the shelf. It has been almost a year since she's written down her thoughts. Perhaps writing will help her collect her thoughts and clear her busy mind. Book and snack in tow, she flops on her bed and stuffs a pillow under her chest. She reaches for her fountain pen on her nightstand and pops a whole cracker in her mouth before she opens the journal to a blank page.
Letters carefully lace across the ivory plane, the jet black ink making a satisfying noise as it streaks across the crisp pages. Amethyst orbs follow the words that ebb from her mind. Faster and faster, she writes, fingers and wrist far from tiring.
Eventually, when Raven decides all of her thoughts -rather the most she could manage right now- are contained on the paper, she gently closes the book and floats it to rest on the shelf in a flourish of black energy.
Still far from wanting to sleep, she heads downstairs again only to be greeted by Nightwing who is pacing in the dark muttering to himself. Through their mental bond, Raven can tell that he is looking for something, like something mentally caught his attention. Since he isn't feeling concern, just what she is sure is his detective mode, she leaves it be. When he realizes that he's not alone, he turns to her as she continues towards the doors that lead outside.
"Going somewhere?" He asks.
"For a walk. I'll be back in time for breakfast," Raven explains.
The man frowns, not expecting that she'll be gone for so long in the middle of the night. "Take your communicator, at least. Would you like some company?"
"Thanks, but maybe another time," Raven says as she parts her cloak to reveal the yellow and black device on her belt.
With a contented nod from Nightwing, the pale woman exits the Tower and flies to the outskirts of Jump City at a leisurely pace. Feeling the wind in her velvet locks feels so nice. She didn't realize how stuffy it was in the Tower. The ocean breeze is cool and refreshing with a sharp bite that tells of the coming winter, giving her another scent to inhale besides tofu eggs and bacon or Starfire's Tameranian casserole of everything, including the kitchen sink.
"Just a nice walk by myself," Raven earnestly tells herself. "I'll be back in no time."
Another seven minutes of flying, and Raven is the heavily wooded part of the city. She chooses a small, local park with plenty of trails through the mountains. She selects the one less traveled and strolls down her chosen path. The trail is winding and climbs up a small mountain until she reaches an overhang that has the picnic and play area right below. Finding a bench, Raven sits in the moonlight, taking in the life of nature from the quick sounds of the nighttime fauna to the light scent of the flora.
The dappled light from the early morning sun, hours later, is also calming.
Around her, she can hear leaves rustle and people talk from below. The morning people are already out in force. The air is happy, full of expression and emotion. She can sense these peoples' essences, feel the connections they share with the people around them. Families. Close friends. They play a role as they speak. They have a life. Obligations, but not just stoic jobs to do. Mothers, brothers, sisters, fathers. Families. Love.
Raven scoffs, not at all hiding her displeasure. She has love, she has her team. She tells herself to stop lying to herself. Yes, she loves her team, but lately she feels like she has no one to talk to and no one that can understand her anymore.
Her mother is dead, along with the rest of Azarath. Since Trigon's emergence, the dimension is only a husk of it once was. There's practically nothing left for her.
Raven takes another deep breath. The morning mountain air is the perfect temperature. It smells like rain and autumn. Grass and clouds. Wet tree bark and mulch from the park nearby.
It's beautiful, but it's not enough to distract her from herself. These questions have been rolling around in her brain for years now and it's only getting worse in the past few months.
Since her biggest obstacle of her known destiny has been resolved, what role does she play now aside from being a hero? What is her purpose here, on earth? In this city? What will become of her now?
Her calm demeanor always comes to an abrupt halt when she asks herself these questions. Meditation has been lending her little to no benefit lately and that's her main source for keeping her emotions in check. Nothing is fraying at her emotions. She simply feels lost or also too big for her skin.
Not angry, though maybe she is tasting hopelessness, but that doesn't count, right?
Not to mention the strange compass-like tugging that's been driving her mad for the past few months. If the feeling weren't so broad and general, she'd have found the source and dealt with whatever problem it is having.
Raven squeezes her eyes shut as if she could blind herself to this barrage of the unknown.
Why?
Why, why, why?
The query floods her mind during every waking moment, and discreetly plagues her sleeping mind as well.
Why, why..., why?
By the time Raven returns to the Tower, she has missed breakfast and everyone seems to have already tucked away into their morning routines. There is a plate of Cy's excellent skills waiting for her, though. Glad to see proof that he's back safe and sound. She makes quick work of it as the halls echo with a quiet that makes it easy for her to feel that green monster strike. She's envious of her teammates.
I'd like to have something pressing for once, she thinks as she peels off her boots and unclasps her cloak once she is in the solace of her room, letting the deep, eggplant purple material pool on the floor. Tiredly, she leaves it alone as she fumbles with her belt.
She parts the covers enough to slip in, uncaring that she is still in uniform, burying herself in the plush comfort. Raven chides at herself for feeling worn when she hasn't done anything taxing today. Her body begs for sleep as the warmth under her covers builds.
Much to her dismay, her mental inner-workings are on full steam ahead. She tosses, tangling her sheet around her ankles. She turns, throwing a glare at the soft glow of her bedside clock. She tries laying on her back, then her stomach, all the while silently chanting her mantra. All this work for the hope of lulling herself to sleep.
Nothing works.
The mahogany clock reads two forty-seven in the afternoon.
Azar!
Eventually, forcing herself to stop thinking altogether about anything and everything, darkness claims her. It's coming is long awaited and fitful. Substantial amounts of sleep greets her in waking waves, every few hours she'd shift her position, or yank herself from a nightmare and calm down her heavy breathing.
A few times, the nightmares don't horrify her so much as give her extremely unsettling thoughts. They aren't dreams retaining the nature such as falling off of a cliff, or being jolted suddenly. No, these nightmares hold faint whispering of prophecies from the past, whispers from her people that despise her very existence. Their voices dripping with contempt, distrust, and fear. The voice of her father violating her mind is the final push when she wakes, crying out in the darkness. Tears threaten to fall from her eyes.
This was one of those rare times where she can't wait for the day to end.
Her eyes open, after yet another couple hours, finding it to now be their usual dinner time. She glances at her windows and manages a small smile despite the restlessness.
Shortly, she dresses a large mug of lavender and chamomile tea in the kitchen while she still has the area to herself surprisingly. The sweet, warm scent soothes her aching soul as she strides calmly to the couch. In this little window of time, she stares out the wall of glass overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The still, dark waters has an evening fogginess to it, obscuring the bay in a thick cloud of ambiguity with any shapes cast as a hazy shadow. The perfect environment to enjoy her tender concoction as it sits on her tongue, filling her buds with muted pleasure.
As she watches the fog grow with every passing minute, she can feel the famished cry for energy in the Tower. Even her senses pick up the dull throng of many people as far as the bay as they end their evening work. The energy she senses wandering in the hall is Nightwing's. When he steps into the common area, he greets his friend.
"Evening, Raven."
The pale woman isn't in a better mood from this morning, but she's going to make an effort unlike yesterday. "Evening," she replies.
Nightwing smiles, taking a seat next to her- perhaps a little closer than he normally would. Raven can feel the hint of concern coloring his words. He might have heard her bouts of screams and tears. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yeah," Raven lies. She thinks herself fortunate to be in a better mood despite her lack of rest, however.
"Good!" Nightwing exclaims, "maybe we'll do something as a team tonight."
Raven nods. "Maybe."
She returns to her tea as Nightwing claims the kitchen before the other men show up.
Just in time as well. The others trickle in, doing their usual dinner routine, though each of them seem to have taken a dignified notice of Raven's slight mood improvement as they all engage in conversation with. Raven is only slightly willing, the sheer mass of attention has her shrinking into herself. On the other hand, it makes her friends happy. She participates, though she can take only so much.