I hope you're still here! Sorry it's been a minute.
"You alright back there, Noodle bug?" Erin turned behind her to find her daughter's drowsy gaze as she sat in between her little brother's carseats.
It was their first time away from home as their whole family – a trip to the cabin in Wisconsin for the 4th of July. The holiday had completely slipped her mind until her coworker Diane had casually mentioned that she and her family were taking a few days to visit relatives on the east coast.
So when Jay casually suggested a trip to Wisconsin with their kids to beat the Chicago summer, Erin promptly canceled two days worth of meetings and filled their living room with everything they could possibly need for a few days by the lake with two almost five month old babies and an eleven year old.
The back of Jay's pickup was loaded to the brim, and Piper was squeezed in between Liam and Ryan in the backseat of the car. Jay's decision to leave for Wisconsin at four in the morning (which she had balked at) had actually been a good one. By some miracle, the boys had been asleep for most of the ride and Piper had managed to doze despite the crowded backseat.
Piper nodded sleepily. She had been busy at soccer camp for almost two weeks, and while she was learning a lot and having fun, she was excited to get to show her little brothers her favorite place. "We're getting close," she mumbled, rubbing her eyes after looking out the window, "Are we gonna stop at the general store?"
"Mm, I think someone else is going to stop at the General Store for us." Jay's eyes sparkled as he glanced into the rearview mirror. He was honestly surprised that they'd kept the secret for two days. In the event it didn't happen, he and Erin both decided it would be better to not disappoint Piper, but when he pulled over for gas at the halfway point, he got a text that confirmed his brother was in route to Wisconsin as well.
With Hailey Upton, of course.
Jay was arguably still getting used to the fact that his big brother and work partner were dating. Granted, they tended to keep things pretty surface level around him, but Jay had never seen either of them so happy. And it helped that his little girl loved Will and Hailey.
What started as a brief misunderstanding (Will didn't know that Jay was planning to use the cabin, and Jay didn't know Will wanted to bring Hailey for the first time) turned into a blessing in disguise. Two extra adults meant that Piper could do all sorts of summer fun activities while Jay and Erin managed the babies. And it meant that they wouldn't have to try to cram groceries for a week in their already bursting-at-the-seams car.
"You got a guy?" Piper asked teasingly, offering a cheeky smile to her daddy. She giggled when Erin snorted. "You have a guy for everything."
"I do have a guy," Jay replied, taking a right turn down the country road toward the cabin, "This guy's name is Will. And he's bringing some lady named Hailey." He grinned when he caught Piper's look of surprise. "Surprise, kiddo."
"Will and Hailey are coming too?" Piper's eyes lit up, "Really?"
"It really is gorgeous up here," Hailey remarked, bouncing Ryan in her arms gently. The baby was grappling for her long blonde locks in an attempt to put them into his mouth. "Can see why Jay raves about it."
Erin smiled and settled a dozy Liam into the pack-n-play they brought up to the cabin. Her boys were overwhelmed with all the new sights and scents and would hopefully sleep very well. "They've got good memories up here," she said, gesturing to Will, who was sprinting down the dock in his swim trunks ahead of Jay and Piper. Her little girl was holding tightly to her daddy's hand and was watching her uncle in amusement. "Think it was a place where they could really be kids."
Hailey nodded in agreement. "You ready for a nap, little dude?" she asked, extracting a lock of hair from Ryan's chubby fists, "Your brother is already down for the count."
"He's obsessed with hair," Erin chuckled, tickling her son carefully, "C'mon bubs. How about you chew on that turtle rather than Aunt Hailey's hair, hm?" She kissed the top of his strawberry locks and placed the turtle he was so fond of in his tiny fist. "I got 'em, if you want to head down the dock."
The detective shrugged and stretched her arms. "I figured I'd let the boys be boys for a little," she said honestly, "I think Piper's having a good time."
Erin watched from afar as Jay and Piper stood on the edge of the dock while Will swam around, periodically teasing and splashing his brother. She couldn't tell for sure, but she was fairly confident that her partner and the love of her life was explaining that the lake was just as safe as it was last year, and Will was just a goofball.
And then she swallowed the lump in her throat as Piper's delighted squeals filled the air. It was so simple – a happy little girl jumping off the dock, hand in hand with her daddy – but it was something Erin never considered to be possible.
Piper was beyond timid when they first met. Even with Jay, the person the child had chosen to trust most in the world, Piper held back. She was cautious and nervous and resisted the unknown, after having been forced to live in a constant state of unknown for most of her life.
She had come so far.
It was almost two years, and that same skittish child was now happily jumping into the lake, wide smile on her lips visible from the cabin. A year ago, they were up in Wisconsin as a little family of three. She had been grumpy and uncomfortable in the earliest days of her pregnancy, and Erin remembered being blown away by just how happy and carefree Piper had been on the hike. Still, the little girl remained nervous on the water and was terrified of the rowboat.
This year, her daughter was a different child. She carried the same trauma and heartache, but she had overcome so much.
"She's pretty amazing, huh?"
Hailey's comment brought Erin out of her own head. "She is," she managed, clearing her throat, "I can't…I can't believe it sometimes. How far she's come."
"You go," Hailey encouraged, tilting her head down toward the dock, "I'll keep an eye on the boys." She smiled kindly. "She's going to be over the moon."
Erin rolled over into Jay's side and slowly opened her eyes. Wisconsin could be chilly in the early morning, even in the summertime. The morning sun was streaming into their bedroom and her partner was fast asleep. A smile formed on her lips. Seeing Jay sleep deeply and peacefully always made her feel more at peace as well.
It helped that she could see all three of her kids snoozing on the baby monitors. Just like their big sister, the boys slept exceptionally well in fresh Wisconsin air. Piper had been absolutely beside herself with excitement when her mommy joined her down in the lake and exhausted herself by jumping in and out over a dozen times. Uncle Will and Aunt Hailey tuckered out the boys with tummy time on a blanket in the grass, which allowed Jay and Erin some much needed time for them to connect with just Piper.
She shivered slightly when she felt Jay's lips graze her ear. "Morning, baby," he murmured, "Cold?"
"You're just warm," she replied, settling in closer against his bare chest, "A normal person would think you have a fever all the time."
He chuckled sleepily and pulled her close. "Lemme share."
Erin exhaled gratefully as the space heating capabilities of her almost-husband warmed her skin. "You remember a year ago?" Jay mumbled into her hair. He brought a gentle hand to her tummy. "We found out about those two."
"Mm," she replied, settling even closer, "I recall you carrying my ass down the hill after a five mile trek." Erin chuckled when he kissed the top of her ear, "And us celebrating the one baby we thought we were getting."
"We celebrated twice," he said teasingly, "We definitely put double vibes out into the universe. Or was it three times? Those two coulda been triplets, babe."
"Don't even joke about that," she whined, pulling his arms tighter around her torso, "I thought we were going to see through my skin with how much those two stinkers stretched me out." Erin gestured to both of her boys who were still sleeping. "And I only have two boobs, Halstead."
"Triplets would get us to six kids. More than a basketball team." Jay grimaced when Erin elbowed him gently in the ribs. "Okay, point taken."
"I love our kids," she said, turning over slightly so she could meet Jay's gaze, "And I want to give them a really good life. Like vacations and new shoes every year and paying for college if that's what they want to do." Erin let out a soft breath when Jay was quiet. "I know…I know we talked about kids before but we never landed on a number and if it happened again I'd love the crap out of them but-"
"Babe," Jay interrupted, "I love our kids too. And I want to give them a really, really good life." He leaned down to kiss her nose. "They're perfect. All three of 'em. I couldn't ask for anything more."
Erin swallowed. "I don't want you to think-" She shook her head when Jay opened his mouth to refute. "No, I need to say it, okay? I don't want you to think that I don't want more kids because I don't know if I do. Maybe when the boys are a little older but also maybe not. I…I sucked at being pregnant. I was mean to you all the time and Noodle had to babysit me and yeah those two came out pretty freakin' perfect but there were a bunch of times that they almost didn't. And I don't know if I can go through that again."
Jay nodded slowly. "You are an amazing mom, Erin Lindsay," he whispered, "And we're going to give those three babies the best life we can. But for what it's worth, you didn't suck at being pregnant."
"Please," she refuted, "Babe-"
"I'm serious," Jay insisted, "There has been nothing more amazing to me than watching you grow our family. Both with how those guys came into the world, and that little angel right there." He pointed at a still-snoozing Piper. "And I wouldn't ever ask you to go through that again. Because while it was incredible, I know how hard it was. Well, I'll never know how hard it was. But I can make some assumptions." Jay brushed her cheek carefully. "I don't want you to think there is any expectation from me for more kids. I woulda been fine with just you and me, forever. Or one perfect little bug."
Erin sniffed. "I realized I was late two days ago," she whispered shamefully, "I've been really, really irregular since the boys came and I've been pumping and stuff but I thought I was late and I-" She stopped. "I didn't know how I felt." Erin sniffed again. "And then I got it like three hours later after I thought I was late but for those three hours I just couldn't stop thinking about what it would mean for them and for her and for us and-"
"We would figure it out," Jay promised, "We would. Together." He wiped another tear from her cheek. "You didn't need to be alone in those three hours, babe."
"I was in that departmental meeting all day," she managed, "I couldn't leave but all I wanted was to come find you." Erin turned her head into his chest. "And then when it was all done…I didn't know how to tell you. And we're supposed to be honest, and I wasn't."
"It was two days." Jay rubbed her back gently, "You were workin' through it. I get that. I'm just sorry I wasn't there. Woulda busted up that departmental meeting."
Erin snorted. "I know you would have." She shivered again despite the warmth of her forever partner. "I really love our family."
Jay smiled as he saw Piper on the monitor stir slightly over Erin's shoulder. "I do too. And I think our little bug is waking up."
"I caught one!" Piper exclaimed, examining the bug that was buzzing around in the empty pickle jar. She held up the jar to Hailey excitedly. Will and Jay had insisted that the bugs were called fireflies, whereas Hailey countered with lightening bug. Erin, the city kid, had never even heard of the creature, but it was Piper who determined they should be called "fire bugs" – a good compromise from both parties.
Erin couldn't stop beaming. A few days in their favorite place was just what everyone in her family needed, Will and Hailey included. Piper and the big boys spent the entire day outside. Erin watched from the dock, the little boys safely in a bassinet far from the edge, while Jay carefully rowed their little bug across the sparkling lake. She swallowed her own nerves at the prospect of Piper being in a boat without her (especially given how petrified their baby been the year before) and thankfully, it turned out to be a great success. Instead of the terrified and shaky child who Jay rowed to shore a year prior, Piper was giggly and curious.
It had been a really, really good day.
Hailey and Will were helping Piper catch the "fire bugs" that had filled the yard while she and Jay got the boys started on bedtime. Her partner was sun kissed and glowing from the day in the Wisconsin sunshine, and Erin found herself staring more than usual. Jay Halstead was always handsome, but there was something even sexier about Jay Halstead, Wisconsin Daddy.
"Wow!" Jay grinned, lightly bouncing on his feet with Liam in his arms. He smoothed some of his son's hair back. "What do you think, buddy?"
"He's exhausted," Erin reminded him, kissing the crown of Ryan's head. "This lil man is fighting sleep too." She smiled tiredly. All of her kids got more snuggly when they were tired, and her partner did too. After a day in the outdoors, she was looking forward to a good night sleep in the crisp Wisconsin air.
A loud pop echoed through the trees, catching everyone by surprise. Piper froze and the jar slipped from her little hands before clattering to the grass, the child paralyzed in fear. At the same time, Liam and Ryan burst into tears at the unsuspecting noise, unhappy shrieks leaving their lips for the first time since they had all been up in their safe place.
Auto pilot kicked in. Erin watched in slow motion as Will and Hailey began hurrying towards them, a petrified Piper on her future brother-in-law's hip. Hailey reached for Liam and Will took Ryan so that Erin could focus on the person they were all most worried about – Jay.
Jay.
Her partner's tanned skin went a sickly shade of white as the onslaught of fireworks, typically not heard from the remote cabin, assaulted all of his senses. She braced her fingers gently on his cheeks and locked her greens on his baby blues in an attempt to keep him present. They were in their safe place. He wasn't in Afghanistan or on the streets of Chicago. They were all safe in Wisconsin, his favorite place in the world. Their favorite place.
Jay had come so far over the past few years, she knew that. Between the two of them, they could usually anticipate triggers for each other, and Jay was good about keeping on top of what could set him off. It was why Wisconsin was their best choice for a successful Forth of July.
"I'm…I'm okay," Jay rasped after what Erin realized was probably a grand total of ten seconds. "Really, babe. I'm okay." He gave a small smile and exhaled, the color that had drained from his face slowly making a reappearance. "You guys um, you guys move quick."
Erin searched his eyes for the truth. She could pretty much always tell when Jay was pretending to be okay and when he was actually okay. Jay Halstead was good at faking it, but one of her special skills was seeing right through it.
But Jay wasn't pretending. He was okay.
She stroked his cheeks gently with her thumbs and leaned forward to kiss his lips, the frightened cries of their boys still causing her heart to clench. She hated it when any of their kids cried.
"'s alright, Munchkin," Will soothed, adjusting Piper slightly on his hip while also rocking a wailing Ryan, "Just fireworks."
"Just fireworks," Jay echoed, the confidence in his voice filling Erin with pride, "It's alright, kiddo. C'mere." He held out his arms and transferred his sweet baby girl from his brother's hip to his chest. "I know, caught me by surprise too, but look." Jay pointed up at the sky to the colorful explosions that were visible in the distance. "Supposed to be a celebration." He pressed a kiss to the side of Piper's head, acutely aware of how she was trembling slightly. Jay could tell that his little girl was doing everything in her power to be brave and not burst into tears like her baby brothers, and he was fairly confident that her attempt to keep her cool was for his sake.
Erin rubbed Piper's back gently. "Pretty, right?" she hedged, lightly scratching Piper's scalp with her fingertips to remind her baby girl that she was safe with her mommy and daddy, "Just really loud."
Piper shuddered slightly, her body slowly relaxing. "The boys don't like the noises," she rasped, gesturing to Will and Hailey. They had shuffled into the cabin to reduce the amount of noise that was overwhelming the youngest Halsteads.
"They're okay," Jay promised. He kissed her forehead lightly and smiled when Piper let out a breath of relief. "We're all good."
Erin glanced down at her cell phone and resisted the urge to curse. She had two missed calls from Jay, one missed call from Hailey and another missed call from Hank.
Chicago was in the middle of a massive July heatwave and it had put the entire city on edge. Jay's workload had practically tripled which didn't leave much time for sergeant exam preparation, and Erin was in the process of finalizing a budgetary proposal to expand her department. Work was busy, on top of the busyness that came with three kids.
She really, really wished they had just stayed up in Wisconsin. In Wisconsin, the temperature was at least ten degrees cooler. There was limited cell reception so she couldn't answer emails, and it was just her family. With the exception of the surprise fireworks (that weren't even as bad as they could have been), everything about their days up there were perfect.
But Wisconsin wasn't real life. Until retirement, but that was many years away.
Piper had been doing exceptionally well at soccer camp despite the heatwave. She was excited to go every morning, and Jay reported smiles every day from pick up. That was, when he could make pick up. His work schedule had them scrambling to find someone that Piper trusted to pick her up from camp, and the list was fairly short.
"Sorry I missed your call, babe," Erin said into the receiver when Jay picked up, "If you can't grab Noodle I can try-"
"I've got her." Jay's voice was soft and immediately, Erin stopped pushing her notebook and laptop into her purse. Something wasn't right.
"What happened?" she asked urgently, "Jay? Is she hurt?"
"Not hurt," he said slowly, rubbing Piper's back gently as she huddled in his lap, "We're at the district. Hank was going to get her since Hailey and I were across town but she was having a tough time when he got there. Hailey dropped me off and I'm at the district with her now, and we're alright, but-"
"We're not safe," Piper croaked weakly, shaking her head rapidly, "We have to go, we have to get the boys-"
"Hailey's grabbing the boys from daycare early," Jay assured Piper, but mostly for Erin's benefit. The little girl had sobbed desperately on the car ride to the district for them to stop to pick up her brothers, but Jay knew if they made a stop, he'd have three crying kids on his hands. Liam and Ryan usually cried after hearing each other, and Jay was fairly certain that hearing their big sister sobbing would send both babies into tears as well. "Babe-"
"I'm on my way," Erin promised, offering a hasty wave to her coworkers as she exited the office, "I'm coming right now."
Jay exhaled and pressed a kiss to the top of Piper's head. "Mommy's coming, kiddo," he murmured, "It's okay." He grimaced when Piper whimpered and buried her head in his shoulder. Their daughter had been doing well for weeks. They had reached a good summer routine, and while it was busy, he thought Piper was thriving.
Until he got a call from his boss that Piper was inconsolable in the back of the Escalade, and Hank couldn't figure out what had gone wrong. The little girl had been happy to see him at pick up, but somewhere in between saying good bye to the other kids and buckling into the backseat of Hank's car, Piper's entire demeanor shifted.
Hank drove while Jay cradled Piper in the backseat of the Escalade, his little girl hyperventilating and gasping for breath at a force that he hadn't seen since before the boys arrived. He had forgotten just how terrifying it was.
"Can you tell me what happened?" Jay hedged again, hoping that this time his question would get a few words rather than broken sobs, "Did something happen at camp?" He glanced over at his boss, who was leaning against the doorframe to his office, arms folded against his chest in concern.
"He's out," Piper rasped, hiccupping slightly, "He's out and-and he's gonna get us."
Jay wrinkled his brow. "Who's out, Pipes?" he asked, dread filling his stomach. "Did you see something?"
"K-K-Kenny," she managed, her small form shaking violently, "I s-s-saw." A sob cut through her throat and she gasped for air before choking out a cough.
"He's in prison," Jay reasoned, rubbing her back carefully, "He's not coming near you, or any of us." He glanced over at Hank again, who was already making a phone call. "We'll check, but I'm positive that he's in jail."
Piper flinched when the buzzer sounded. "I think that's Mommy," Jay said gently, the familiar clip of Erin's work shoes on the linoleum filling him with a relief he didn't know he needed. He and Erin had concluded that all of their kids were in a 'Mama phase'. The books had talked about it happening with toddlers when a new baby or babies arrived, and Piper was far from being a toddler, but they still had noticed some extra clinginess from their little girl, particularly with Erin.
The boys were also big fans of their mama. While it filled Jay to no end to see Erin expertly handling two hungry and needy Halsteads, he could also see the toll it was taking on his partner. Everyone seemed to want their mama, all the time. Piper did her best to be the big sister and had been doing well with camp and their new schedule, but whenever possible, she was practically in her mommy's back pocket.
He looked over to the entrance of the bullpen to see his fiancé hustling up the steps. "Hey, babe," he greeted, "Look, kiddo. Mommy's here."
Erin quickly closed the gap between her and her little girl. "Hi," she whispered breathlessly, exchanging a quick kiss with Jay, "Hi, Noodle. I'm here. You're safe."
Her heart cracked when Piper whimpered. "She saw someone that looked like Kenny when Hank was picking her up," Jay explained, "And-"
"It was him," Piper insisted, shaking her head rapidly, "He was there."
"Sweetheart-"
"Got confirmation from Menard that he's in the cell as of five minutes ago. My contact is sending over security footage," Hank interrupted. He gave his daughter a slight nod. "Everything's as it should be."
Erin nodded gratefully. It was a good thing their biological father was behind bars, but things were far from what they should be. Her little girl continued to tremble in her partner's lap, beyond overwhelmed by whatever or whoever she saw and mistook for their biological father. "We're safe, sweetheart," she soothed, reaching a hand out to stroke Piper's hair back, "We're all safe."
Jay carefully crept down the stairs, hoping that all three of his kids would remain asleep. The boys were relatively heavy sleepers and could withstand a fair amount of commotion, but Piper took after both her parents and would wake at the drop of a pin.
It had been an afternoon of non-stop tears. Piper was beside herself after seeing someone who resembled her biological father despite countless reassurances that he was behind bars. She cried herself to sleep on Jay's shoulder while Erin handled the boys. What started out as a good day turned out to be anything but.
He managed a small smile. Erin was standing at the sink, mindlessly washing out the multitude of baby bottles that lined their counter. The boys were on a mixture of breast milk and formula which was helping them grow, but also meant that there were always dishes to be done.
"Doin' my job, huh?" he teased, smiling wider when Erin looked up from her task. "She's asleep." He pointed to the baby monitor app that was open on her phone. "Didn't get her into the pajamas or anything, but she's totally out."
Erin exhaled and turned the last bottle upside down on the drying rack. "What the heck happened?"
He shrugged. "Could be exhaustion," Jay suggested, reaching for the coffee pot. He retracted his hand when Erin gave him a look. His last doctor's appointment confirmed that he was as close to one hundred percent as he was ever going to get after taking the knife to the back several months prior, but there had been a recommendation to cut back on caffeine intake.
And Erin was taking it seriously.
"Maybe," she said, standing on her toes to procure a bag of decaffeinated tea from the cabinet, "But she's been really good the past few weeks. Loving soccer camp. She had a great time in Wisconsin."
"Mm," he murmured, blowing out a breath, "Wish we were still up there."
Erin nodded and hit the kettle to boil water for the tea her partner clearly did not want. "How far away is retirement again?"
Jay glanced down at his watch. "'bout eighteen years," he said dryly, "But I gotta feeling at least one of our boys is going to pull a Will and want to go to like fifteen years of college."
She snorted. "Probably Ryan," she determined, "Calling it now. Biologist. He loves that stupid turtle."
"Hundred bucks says anesthesiologist," Jay countered teasingly, "Oh c'mon. You've heard my brother. Anesthesiologists make the big bucks and barely have to do anything except keep the patient breathing on the table."
"No way. All three of our kids are gonna have your hero complex." Erin shook her head when Jay's eyes widened, "That's a bet I'll take."
"My hero complex?" Jay's eyes sparkled. "Babe."
"Fine. Our hero complexes," she acquiesced, "Don't deny it." She poured the boiling water into two mugs. "Damn. Really wish this was coffee." Erin raised her eyebrows again when Jay opened his mouth. "Don't even try me, Halstead."
"I was going to say that you could have coffee," he replied, "Even though it is what, eight?"
"Wasn't like we were going to sleep anyway." Erin reached for the coffee but then retracted her hand. "Never mind. Solidarity." She gave a smirk. "I'd do anything to keep your heart in your chest. Even if it means I've gotta switch to tea also."
Jay chuckled and pulled her into his embrace. "I love you," he whispered into the top of her head, "Somehow feels like I don't say that enough."
She shook her head. "You say it constantly," she assured him, "Just by being you. By the way you love our kids. How you do all the stuff that I don't like doing like literally every chore imaginable." Erin ran her fingertips over Jay's shoulder, still slightly damp. "She cried herself dry, huh?"
He nodded. "It was a tough day. Really triggering for her." He brushed some hair from Erin's cheek. "But Hank got footage from Menard. Whoever she saw by the soccer fields wasn't Kenny. Just some random guy."
"I used to get freaked out when I smelled Drakkar," Erin murmured, sniffing slightly, "The cologne Charlie wore. Made my blood run cold even though I knew he was locked up." She sniffed again and met his gaze. "I was an adult. She's just a kid. I'm honestly not really surprised this is how she reacted because…because if it were me, I think I'd be doing the same thing."
"It's just something we'll have to work through." Jay held her closer. "I think you told me once that healing isn't linear. And you're right. We had a really good few days in Wisconsin. She's come so, so far."
"We've all come far," Erin reminded him, bringing her hand to the area on Jay's side where he'd taken the knife. The soft raised skin of the scar never stopped making her heart skip. She could have lost him. They all could have lost him.
But Jay was right there, standing in their kitchen, warm hands on her arms, breath at the top of her head. Erin shuddered at the thought. Jay was home. "Piper's come so far, but we have too."
He nodded again. "We might have days like this, but we also get days like we did up in Wisconsin. 's a balance. Can't all be as good as that."
"Mm." Erin rested her head on Jay's chest and let out a heavy breath. "I'm just glad we got each other."
I know it's taking me way longer than it used to but I think some of y'all are still around and reading! Let me know what you think :)