Sylvie stood in the lobby of district trying to look anywhere but at the officer working the front desk, she had told him she didn't need help when she walked in but he kept staring at her making this whole situation even more unbearable. Sylvie heard the gate open and looked up to see Kim coming down the stairs with a sad look on her face, "Hey Sylvie, he's in the locker room, I'm gonna take you up the back way." Kim whispered as she gave Sylvie a hug. "Is he okay?" Sylvie asked really needing to know. Kim started walking toward the door motioning for Sylvie to follow her as she scanned into the door that led to the stairs. "No." she said simply.
It had been three days since Sylvie had seen or heard from Antonio, Kim and Adam had texted her and let her know he was safe and was at the district and the team was taking turns staying with him. Antonio made Adam promise to keep Sylvie away and she had resigned to giving him his space knowing he would come to her when he was ready but Kim had called earlier to let her know Voight was requesting she come try to talk to him because he was taking this worse than anyone could imagine and they were all worried.
Sylvie stood outside the locker room door just staring at it. "He's in there, just go on in and lock the door behind you." Sylvie turned slightly and looked at Kim and gave a nod. She pushed the door, stepped in and locked it behind her; she couldn't see him so she moved forward. She found him sitting on a bench with his back against the wall in the last row of lockers.
"Tonio," She said softly as she walked toward him. He didn't answer, his head was laid back against the wall and he was staring at the ceiling. She quickly closed the gap between them and wrapped him in a hug as best she could with her good arm. He was still, he didn't move, he didn't talk, he just sat there and let her hug him. Sylvie sat on the bench in front of him, "I need you to talk to me, everyone is really worried." She grabbed one of his hands and just held it. "You look like you haven't eaten or slept in days." He wouldn't look at her and kept his focus on the ceiling.
Sylvie grabbed his chin and attempted to pull his head down to face hers but he quickly shook his head from her grasp. "Please look at me." She pleaded and moved to set on his lap straddling him and grabbed the back of his head with her good hand and forced it down so he would look at her. She knew he wouldn't fight it or resist while she was sitting on him, especially while she was pregnant and wasn't completely healed from the accident a little over a month before.
He had his eyes closed and was shaking his head, "Hey, come on, just look at me." He slowly opened his eyes and the pain and devastation was enough to kill her, her heart broke into a million tiny pieces. He kept shaking his head, his eyes filling with tears, he couldn't stop it. "Shhh, it's okay." She laced her arm around his neck and held him as tight as she could. He buried his head in her chest; his whole body shuddered with each sob.
She didn't say anything and just held on to him while he let it all out. He was holding on as if his life depending on it, hugging her so tightly she could barely breathe and his fingers digging into her sides where she would undoubtedly have bruises.
The sobs quieted and his grip loosened slightly but he didn't move, Sylvie wasn't going to force him, she kept her arm wrapped around his neck as she ran her fingers through the back of his hair. "She was Sophia's age." His words vibrated against her chest barely above a whisper. "I know." she whispered as she continued to rub the back of his neck.
"Fucking Adam." He whispered releasing Sylvie to rub his hands down his face. His face was red and swollen from crying, he looked broken, Sylvie thought to herself. "It wasn't him, I came on my own." She lied to him not wanting to throw their friends under the bus. "You shouldn't have." He was shaking his head trying not to cry again. "I don't deserve it."
"Stop it, it was an accident, plain and simple, you did nothing wrong." She grabbed his face and pulled it towards hers and kissed him. He pulled back breaking the kiss.
"I killed a baby, Sylvie! How the hell is that even remotely okay? It's unforgiveable accident or not." He was trying not to yell but his anger at himself was quickly taking hold. He had wallowed, he had cried, he had been silent but he hadn't gotten angry yet.
"It was an accident, Kim and Adam told me what happened, you guys were trapped you had no choice and you didn't know she was there." She tried to grab his face again but he grabbed her wrist, startling her. "Oww, that hurts." She yelped as she tried to pull it away. He released his grip and looked away from her embarrassed by his action, he hadn't meant to hurt her. "I need you to go home and just leave me here, take care of the kids, I'll call you." He said firmly while trying to scoot her off of him but she wasn't budging.
"I'm not leaving until you talk to me." She was not going to just give in and let him sit there and wallow in self-pity. It was a terrible accident but it was not his fault. "Sylvie, please get off me and just go, don't make me move you." He warned.
"I'm not leaving, I've already told you this, if you're determined to spend another night on that couch then I guess that's where I'm sleeping too."
He couldn't deal with this, his mind was on overload. He needed away from her, he needed to be alone without anyone checking on him every five minutes or calling his wife to check on him. "Move…now!" he growled at her, looking her square in the eyes, giving his final warning before he had to move her, he didn't want to but he needed up.
She didn't move but kept her big blue eyes locked firmly on his, daring him to try to move her. "I'm not leaving you, you may think you don't deserve me or the kids, or anything but you do. You're going to stop this and come home, do you understand?" she demanded, her voiced raised on the verge of yelling at him.
He blinked at her surprised by her forcefulness, "I can't," he said in a low growl. He couldn't go home and hold Sophia, talk to Eva and Diego, play happy husband to Sylvie when he took someone else's happiness, their reason for living. He had three perfect kids and a pregnant wife, it wasn't fair.
"You will, you're going to get up and follow me to the car and we're going to go home. You can shut yourself away, do whatever you want but I'm telling you right now you're doing it at home where I know you're safe and not going to do something stupid." She didn't mean to yell but her emotions took over, she had never seen him like this, she knew why Voight was worried.
"I'm not fucking going." he yelled in her face and she flinched, his temper flaring as he grabbed her around the waist and attempted to stand but lost his balance stepping over the bench. He dropped her causing her to hit her back on the bench on the way down. She yelled from the pain. "Fuck, are you okay?" He went to reach for her but she smacked his hand away and got to her feet.
"Don't touch me." She screamed, she was pissed, she knew he didn't mean to drop her but he did and all because he couldn't control his anger. "I'm fine" she huffed as she reeled her anger in. "You're coming home with me or I'm going to have Hank put you in a cell until I can have you evaluated, the choice is yours, because I can tell you right now neither version of you I'm seeing right now are my husband, the first one I understand, this one…the angry asshole standing right here, I don't recognize him and let me tell you I don't like him either. So pick one, home or cell." She was standing her ground and she was pretty sure the whole building could hear her yelling.
There was a knock on the door, "Unlock the door." Adam yelled from the other side. Sylvie knew he was checking on the yelling, "We're fine." She yelled back at him, Antonio just stood there staring at her shell-shocked. "Open it, I want to see for myself." He wasn't going to go away until he saw Sylvie, he knew Antonio wouldn't intentionally hurt her but Antonio wasn't in his right headspace at the moment. Sylvie moved to open it but kept her eyes firmly planted on Antonio daring him to try to leave. "I'm fine but I may need you, I'll text you." She whispered opening the door only far enough for him to see. He gave her a once over and nodded. "Okay, let me know."
Antonio stood there just watching, he had lost his temper, he had never done that with Sylvie, never yelled at her, never touched her out of anger but twice tonight he had hurt her and had yelled at her. He finally spoke, "I can't see the kids Syl, I'll go home but I can't see them, please, I can't handle it." His anger dissipating, his mood somewhere between anger and devastation, he didn't know if he could keep resisting her, she was so much stronger than him.
Sylvie looked at him standing there, he looked so broken, this wasn't her husband, this was a man who had witnessed a terrible tragedy and was on the floor in a thousand pieces. "I'll send them to Gabby or Laura for the night, okay?"
She grabbed her phone and texted Adam. "I'm gonna ask Adam if he can head over to the house and help Eva get everyone's stuff together and Eva can take Diego and Sophia to go wait at Laura's until I figure out what to do tonight. So give me a minute to talk to him." There was a knock, Sylvie answered and explained to Adam what she needed and without hesitation Adam left.
Antonio didn't know what to do with himself, he wanted so badly to just let her wrap herself around him and hold him, it was what he needed, what he wanted but he didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve any of it and he never really did. He had been kidding himself all along, ending up with Sylvie was an accident, it was never supposed to happen, one careless night in a car is what got them here not divine intervention not fate, just plain carelessness. Laura had made it a point for years to point out all his flaws and she was right, he should have pushed harder when Sylvie pursued him and saved her all the heartache and misery. He felt a body press against his back and an arm wrap around him and he opened his eyes, he hadn't even realized he had them closed.
"Don't." He touched her hand and she grabbed ahold of his shirt so he couldn't move it. "You don't get to tell me what to do, I'll hug you if I want." She wasn't going to let him push her away no matter how hard he tried. "As soon as Adam texts me we'll leave." He knew it was pointless to try to resist her, she was stubborn when she wanted something. He around to face her, "I'm sorry I hurt you, are you okay? I'm not looking for forgiveness either, I need you to be mad at me."
Sylvie stared at him, she could see he was being honest, a part of him needed her mad at him so he could hate himself. She sighed and pressed herself against his chest and held on tight. "I'm fine and I'm not mad at you and I'm not going to help you hate yourself, you're still the best person I know and nothing you do will ever change that or how I feel about you."
xxxxxxxxx
Antonio sat straight up, his heart racing and drenched in sweat, trying to catch his breath he frantically felt the bed next to him, he sighed in relief when his hand made contact with her. The room was pitch dark and he guessed it was sometime after midnight. It had been two months since the accident and he still had yet to get entire nights sleep without a nightmare, the same one but a different person every night, it was always so vivid and felt so real, he paid for his sin with his family's lives. He shuddered and tried to shake the nightmare out of his head. Slipping out of bed careful not to wake Sylvie he headed to complete his nightly routine.
Antonio headed towards Diego's room and peeked in, he was sound asleep with his ear buds still in and lamp still on, he turned the lamp off and pulled the door. He pushed Eva's door open and crept toward the bed, Eva was wrapped up under the covers on her side facing away from him and Sophia was laying sideways with her feet in her sisters back no covers and hogging the bed just like her mom. He fixed Sophia in the bed and covered her with her blanket and kissed both of them on the forehead and headed downstairs. He triple checked all the doors and windows and made sure the alarm was set and headed back to bed. It was the exact same routine every night, usually multiple times.
He wanted to sleep but every time he closed his eyes the image of the little girl he shot was there. Rationally he knew it was an accident, he had been over and over this in therapy, she wasn't supposed to be there, she was asleep in the backseat of the offender's car, there was no child seat in the car, she was covered by a blanket because it was cold outside, but the emotional part of him couldn't help but think he could have done better, could have aimed better, could have looked for an alternative to shooting, could have a million different things but didn't. He had replayed the entire thing every night for months now trying to figure out exactly what he could have done differently.
Him and Adam had been making an undercover drug buy when they were made and the offender opened fire on them from inside his car, Antonio fired two rounds, one striking the back door and the other striking the offender inside the car. He wouldn't have fired but the offender had them pinned in with his car and they had no cover. Adam never fired a round, Antonio had beat him to the punch and hit the offender with the second shot, killing him. They were clearing the car when Antonio pulled the blanket back and found the little girl bleeding. Adam checked for vitals and performed CPR until paramedics arrived but she was pronounced dead at the scene. He couldn't figure it out, there was no way to know she was there, she wasn't even the offender's daughter, it was his niece who he had been babysitting for his sister, but they should have done better was all he could think.
Antonio had resisted interacting with Sophia, Eva, or Diego for two and half months before Eva was finally frustrated enough to speak up. "I'm not taking her with me Dad, Abuela called she's sick and can't watch her and I have class, and mom and Tia are at work, but you're here you can take care of her, I shouldn't have to find her a babysitter." Eva was holding Sophia trying to hand her off to Antonio and he was refusing to even acknowledge either of them existed. "You're going to have to talk to us sooner or later, you can't pretend we don't exist forever." She was getting frustrated with him and could feel a temper tantrum coming on if she didn't walk away. Antonio walked around her and headed for the front room and sat on the couch, turning on the TV.
"Fine, you know what…here she is, I'm leaving, you deal with her." Eva was yelling as she sat Sophia down on the couch next to Antonio. "Hey SoSo, Sissy loves you, I'll see you in a lil bit and we'll go see mommy for dinner okay?" Eva kissed her on the forehead. She turned to glare at Antonio who kept his eyes trained on the TV, "I'm leaving, you better take care of her." He didn't respond. "I mean it, do you understand?" She was in his face trying to get a reaction but he just kept still and stared at the TV.
"Fine ignore me all you want but she's a baby, if I get back and she wasn't taken care of you'll regret it." She growled at him and kissed Sophia on the head one more time and stormed out the front door, slamming it behind her.
Antonio peeked over at Sophia; she was setting on the couch still in her pajamas with her hair a giant mess of curls on top of her head. She was staring at him with those big blue eyes that he had fallen in love with the moment he had laid eyes on her. He wanted to ignore her but he just couldn't, he held his arms out for her but she just sat there. "Come here baby girl" he said and leaned over to grab her but she scooted away and shook her head. His heart broke; he hadn't meant to make her scared of him.
"Please Sophia, come to daddy" he held his hands out again trying to coax her to him, she continued to stare at him and didn't budge from her spot at the end of the couch. He sighed and scooted closer to her "I'm sorry SoSo, I need a hug from you, can you come give daddy one?" he held his arms out again. He could see her contemplating whether or not to trust him, "Come on it's okay," she crawled toward him and climbed in this lap and faced him. "Hey baby daddy missed you, can I have a hug?" She spread her tiny arms and pressed her body into his and he wrapped his arms around her.
Eva walked in the door and immediately noticed the silence, an oddity for three in the afternoon when Sophia was home. "Dad, SoSo?" she yelled but received no answer. She opened the door to the garage and her dad's truck was there. She decided to head upstairs to find them. "Dad?" she said as she knocked lightly on his bedroom door, no one answered so she continued to open it. To her surprise her dad was lying on the bed sound asleep with Sophia on top of him asleep also. She knew her dad hardly slept so she really didn't want to wake him but she needed Sophia so they could run some errands and head over to the firehouse to meet Sylvie for dinner.
She quietly headed toward the bed and tried to pick Sophia up as gently as possible. Antonio's hands instinctively moved to Sophia and he popped his eyes open as soon as he felt Sophia's weight start to move. "What are you doing?" he asked, his voice hoarse with sleep. "Uh, umm, we need to run some, umm, errands and we're, umm, going to the firehouse for, umm, dinner." She was caught off guard by him speaking to her; she hadn't heard his voice in so long. Antonio sat up and handed a half-awake Sophia to Eva. "Thanks for watching her today" she said as she turned to leave.
"Hey, Eva." Antonio grabbed the bottom of her shirt before she took a step. "Yeah?" She turned and looked at her dad. "You don't owe me a thank you, you're the kid, I'm your dad, and she's my responsibility not yours." Antonio stood up and wrapped his arms around both of his girls. "I owe you an apology, I've been shitty and I've been putting all this on you, thank you for making me see that today." She stared at him for a minute thinking of what she was going to say, she had been so angry with him the past couple months but she also knew he was dealing with a lot, "It's okay dad, I love you." She decided it was just easier to forgive. He took Sophia back from Eva. "How about we all go see Sylvie for dinner?" Eva nodded and smiled at him and headed out of the room to let Diego know they were leaving soon.
Eva ran from the car as soon as they parked and made a beeline for the common room. "Hey Tia, have you seen Sylvie?" Gabby was the only one in there. "Yeah, I think she's in the bunk room or at her desk." Gabby said as she motioned down the hallway.
"Sylvie!" Eva called as she came through the bunkroom door. Sylvie looked over her shoulder as she sat on the edge of her bed and smiled. "Hey honey, where's Sophia?" Eva gave her a 'you're not gonna believe it look'. "She's with dad, he came with us, he's talking to us again." she huffed a little out of breath from running.
"What? You're kidding right?" Sylvie stood and went to head towards the common room, Eva following behind. "No, really, I forced him to watch Sophia today and when I got home he was talking." Sylvie walked into the common room and there stood Antonio holding Sophia who was trying to get down from him, he sat her on the floor and she ran toward Sylvie. Sylvie gave Antonio a questioning look before she stooped down and gave Sophia a hug and a kiss, "Hi, baby! I missed you, did you have fun with daddy today?" Sylvie looked up at Antonio and he was staring at them. "Can you go give Tia hugs and kisses too?" She sent Sophia off in the direction of Gabby and stood to face Antonio.
"You're good?" was all she said to him, he talked to her at night when they were in bed, it wasn't a lot but he had shared some, his biggest fear being not able to interact with the kids again, the therapist had said she didn't think his disconnect was permanent but he was terrified it was. She was also aware of his nightly routine and nightmares even if he was completely unaware that she knew. Antonio nodded, "Yeah, I am." She nodded "Okay" and turned to go find Sophia.
xxxxxxx
Sylvie poked her head out of the covers and grabbed her phone to check the time, seven a.m. the room was still dark from the black out curtains but she could see Antonio's outline and scooted closer to him wiggling her way into his side and wrapping her arm over him. She whispered in his ear. "You need to wake up we have an appointment in a little bit." He shook his head. "Didn't sleep, can't we just stay right here?" he said as he readjusted and kissed the top of her head.
"Nope, baby appointment, monthly check, we have to go, sorry." She slapped his chest as she rolled over and climbed off the bed. "Now get up and get in the shower while I get Sophia ready before Gabby gets here for her." She was twenty-two weeks and had a smooth pregnancy so far, it was so much different then her experience with Sophia and she was glad she could enjoy it.
Antonio was leaning against the wall in the exam room behind Sylvie waiting for the doctor. "I really don't want to find out." Sylvie turned to look at him, "Why?" she was confused they had already talked about it and agreed they wanted to know. "I don't know, it's just what I'm feeling right now, you can find out but I don't want to know." He had been working on saying what he was feeling in therapy and this was something he was feeling strongly at the moment. Sylvie looked at him for a moment, "Okay, we don't have to find out, I'll have her write it down and put it in an envelope in case you want to know later.
"I'm sorry, I know I've disappointed you a lot lately." Sylvie could hear the sadness and regret in his voice as he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder. She turned her head to look at him; he looked beaten down and barely looked like himself. She kissed his cheek, "Look, you haven't disappointed me, I'm okay, we're okay, we'll always be okay even when we're not…remember?" He turned to head to look at her and put his forehead to hers. "Yeah, I do, it's the only thing keeping me together." He whispered and leaned in to kiss her lingering for a moment before pulling back and whispering, "Thank you."
xxxxxxxxxx
"You're fucking kidding me, right?" was all Laura said as she stood in the doorway to the kitchen holding Sophia giving him a death stare. "What?" He was confused as to why Laura was upset, he was just trying to make Sophia's lunch before he had to leave for his appointment. Sylvie was still working shifts but had been put in a desk job at the firehouse in February when she returned to work from the ambo accident and Laura was babysitting. "Sylvie called me and asked if I would talk some sense into you. You wanna give up and move to the suburbs?" she was exasperated. "That's exactly what you don't want, remember? You gave up an entire marriage over it!"
He didn't know how to answer, they never talked about this, they both pretty much pretended it never happened. "You don't understand." He muttered. She laughed. "Understand? Yeah I do, I watched you struggle in Vice for years, get shot twice, Diego get kidnapped, Jules die, our marriage fall apart, our kids lives shattered. I understand it all but being in intelligence that's who you are, I understand that now, it took a long time but I see it and I'm not letting you just give up and run away because something terrible happened. Your kids deserve better than a dad who gives up." She huffed.
He started to explain, "But look at everything that's happened since I've been there, everything you've pointed out none of it would have happened, we'd still be married."
Laura threw her hand up, "Nope, stop right there, we're not going down that road, you're married to one of the literal best people I have ever met and she is the best person for you, she accepts all of it, all of you, without hesitation, I never did. And your thinking away Sophia and the new baby so stop it. You don't know what would have happened between us, we were like oil and water, we fought a lot, we never agreed, it wasn't good and hadn't been in a long time."
He knew she was right, his relationship with Sylvie was so much stronger and calmer. He shook his head, "I'm just not sure I can do it anymore, I've been off four months and I can't remember the last time I was this relaxed." He grabbed Sophia from her and put her in her highchair and sat her lunch down.
"I think you either just need to get back to it or take another month, whatever feels right but I can tell you one thing, your not going to the suburbs, Syl will kill you." Laura laughed and leaned against the doorway staring at him as he sat in a chair at the table. He looked at her and shrugged, "It was just an idea, I'm over it." He looked back at Sophia to cover his lie; he knew it wasn't going to happen anyway, not with both Laura and Sylvie against him.
"Is this ever odd for you?" he motioned between the two of them, trying to change the subject, "We just pretend we don't have what 21 years between us, it's a little weird right? Normal exes don't act like this do they?" He was trying to avoid looking at her as he spoke as he played with the grapes on Sophia's plate in front of him.
"Odd? Haha, yeah, that's an understatement, your wife is my best friend, she calls me for advice on you, and I babysit your kid." She chuckled as she moved to stand behind the high chair where she could see him better. "Look some exes act like this but a lot have screaming matches in the middle of a police station and have restraining orders." Her expression changed to sadness at the memories of all the fights they had. "I really like that we can be friends without fighting anymore and that we can kinda talk about stuff without being completely uncomfortable." She was staring at him and he peeked up at her and gave a small smile. "I like that too."
"So anyway, you're not moving to the suburbs and you need to get going for your appointment." She was trying to change the subject. "Do you think you're getting released back to work today?" she asked moving to clean up Sophia's lunch mess. He sighed and stretched back in the chair before standing up, "I really have no idea but if she does, I guess I'll just go back to work, I don't think I need anymore time off."