Chapter 4 - Noise pollution.
"BWAHAHAHAHHAHHA! So just like that, the sadist lost!?" Kagura mocked loudly while eating a banana.
"Kagura-chan, stop mocking. You're spitting banana everywhere," Shinpachi scolded. "And that guy looks really dangerous. He might even be as strong as you, Kagura-chan..."
"Surely not!" She answered proudly.
"Yes, we know, Palmtop Tiger (1)." Said Gintoki while sweeping the air with his hand towards the redheaded girl.
"I'm always stronger, huh ! Right, Gin-chan?" Kagura repeated.
"Say that again, and I'll crush you, China," Sougo threatened.
"Hey, calm down, both of you!" Shinpachi interjected.
They had only been together for ten minutes, and it was already war between these two.
"So, if I get it right, we should investigate because Souichiro-kun got his ass kicked?" Gintoki casually asked, while picking his nose.
"Again, no... Although that's what's motivating the other sadist here," Hijikata replied, glancing in Sougo's direction.
"Shut up, you diarrheic mayo eater." Swung Sougo.
"Say that again?! Say that again, and I'll make you do Sepukku!" Mayora shouted.
The atmosphere was getting even more heated at the Yorozuya's, but curiously, the situation was calmed down by someone totally unexpected.
"Hey, you two, calm down!" Kondo grumbled.
The voice had come from somewhere in the room, but the stalking Gorilla was nowhere in sight.
Everyone looked at each other curiously, looking for someplace where the voice had come from. And after a few seconds, they finally found where the surprise guest was hiding.
Right under the coffee table.
"Ah! Gin-chan! The gorilla-stalker is here!" Kagura shouted. "Go away! Go back to your jungle, Gorilla!"
The young Yato threw the peel of the banana she had just gobbled up in his face.
"Oh, Kondo-san followed us..." Sougo exclaimed.
"Oh no, not really! Otae-san said she'd be here later today, so I came a little early!" Laughed the gorilla innocently.
At that moment, a threatening aura emanated from Shinpachi.
"Hey... When are you going to stop following my sister everywhere she goes?" Said Shinpachi in a cold voice, a cruel look forming behind his glasses. "Not only are you following her everywhere, but now you're also anticipating where she'll be? Where do you think you are now, in Minority Report? (2) You're way out of line here."
"Hey, calm down Pattsuan! Anyway, we've known for a long time that they do absolutely what they want with our taxes, so I wouldn't be surprised if they wasted it on half-naked guys floating in their jacuzzi!" Gintoki exclaimed. "And Kagura, you're in no position to tell her to go back to her jungle, when you're stronger than a herd of elephants by yourself!"
Gintoki had said this to calm things down. But the rice cooker violently thrown at his crotch by a young Yato annoyed at being called an elephant in a roundabout way discouraged him from any further derogatory comments.
"Let's hear what Oogushi-kun has to say instead..." Grimaça the permanent, not feeling any sensation between his legs.
"Who the hell is Oogushi-kun?" Hijikata shouted.
At the same moment, there was a knock on the door of the agency.
"I'm coming!" Shinpachi exclaimed amiably; rid (exorcised?) of his murderous aura towards the gorilla.
He opened the door and found himself face to face with Tama.
"Oh, Tama-san! What's going on?" inquired the glasses holder.
"I have a message from Otose-san," she said, taking out a megaphone. "WOULD YOU SHUT UP YOU XXXXX? YOU'RE ALREADY LATE WITH THE XXXXX RENT, YOU WANT TO DRIVE ME XXXXX CRAZY, YOU XXXXX?!"
The green-haired android had shouted the message with a straight face. The occupants of the floor had been nailed in place by the sudden verbal violence against them. Then, Tama added still in an inexpressive voice, but this time at a normal volume:
"I want to make it clear that only 70 % of this message was retransmitted. The remaining 30% has been edited to make it more comprehensive and less aggressive," Tama explained.
It remained to be seen if this clarification had been heard by the humans around him, all of whom had momentarily lost their hearing. All of them, except Shinpachi, who had seen the blow coming, and had put his hands over his ears.
And after this shouting, Tama came out as if nothing had happened.
"Oi, the old lady is quite severe, to send us Tama in the morning..." Gintoki complained.
"Because she usually sends something else?" Hijikata retorted.
"No, she usually sends her in the evening... And she's the one who comes in the morning," Gintoki said, shuddering at the thought of a pissed-off Otose in the morning.
Hijikata seemed to sympathize with this statement. The old monster's sight in the morning must have been terrifying.
"Well, why don't you pick up where you left off? I too want to know why you suspect Kemono-san of doing something fishy!" Said Kondo.
"The only one who is objectively doing something suspicious is you..." Said Shinpachi, dejected.
"Well, at least we'll have a third point of view on the case," said Gintoki, who was finishing drinking a cup of tea.
Then, giving the young Yato a sideways glance, the permhead one gently placed his empty tea cup on the small coffee table; as if he was suddenly noble and refined.
"Hey, Kagura-sama, what happened to my strawberry milk that was still in the fridge this morning?" He then asked in a reproachful tone, but with a delicate voice.
Kagura then stepped forward, and like a noble servant, bowed forward with a precise gesture.
"Sorry Gin-sama, I was a little hungry, and the glasses stand hadn't bought my Sukonbu yet!" She said in a voice trying to sound sorry.
"Hey, I might not have bought your Sukonbu, but you had already eaten two entire pressure cookers of rice..." Shinpachi complained.
"But rice by itself is bland, Glasses Stand!" Kagura replied. "We, Kagura-sama, demand that you go and buy some for us immediately!"
"What the hell?! I'm not your slave!" Shinpachi took offense.
This was the last straw for the Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi.
"Hey, will you listen to what we have to say?! Yes or no!?" Hijikata said impatiently.
"Gin-sama, the commoners... Are talking to you!? Huh?!" Kagura exclaimed, bringing a hand to his mouth.
Not only were these guys incompetents, but the girl was a real monster, a bottomless stomach like a black hole...
"Now, now, Kagura-sama," Gintoki added while crossing his arms. "Let's hear what the commoners want from us first!"
"Commoners!" (3) Kagura repeated with a haughty look.
... And now they dared to look down on them, because the Shinsengumi had no choice but to call on their services.
And they were right, too. It wasn't as if there were many people Hijikata and Sougo could call on for assistance. So the Vice Commander had to be patient.
"Well, as I was saying, at first there wasn't much suspicious about the behavior of this 'Kemono' fellow." Hijikata began. "But a few days later, some people, especially Sougo, who hadn't let go of him since his defeat..."
"Tch! As if it was a defeat... I call it a warm-up!" Sougo interrupted him with a mocking sneer.
"And so," Hijikata continued, "it turns out that some people have noticed some suspicious comings and goings on the part of this guy..."
Indeed, a few days after the crushing defeat suffered by Sougo, the latter had not stopped watching Kemono, in order to find an opportunity to attack him again with all his strength.
So, for several days, explosions could be heard followed by the sound of metal clashing in all the buildings of the Shinsengumi HQ. And each time, Kemono managed to avoid or stop each of the sadist's attacks, even guessing them in advance. No matter what strategy or means he used, Sougo always found himself facing the same cold, unbreakable steel sword. And the same intense gaze, of course. This put the Captain in a bad mood every time, his resentment increasing with time. He couldn't believe that there could be someone so strong. And so lazy.
Kemono's typical days consisted of sleeping, sitting around doing nothing, and... Being gone for almost three hours during the day, as soon as lunch break came around.
No one knew where he was going, and of course he didn't tell - or rather, write - anyone about it. So none of the policemen knew where he was going.
Sougo would have followed him off base, but again, he couldn't leave his post. He had responsibilities, and he even seemed to take them seriously, unlike this guy. It seems that he was an irresponsible person even more I-don't-care-ish than the Yorozuya Boss...
And Yamazaki was obviously on another case, concerning an unknown illicit trade, between Amanto and Edo inhabitants. Only Hijikata was available, since he was sick, and should in all common sense not move from his room.
That' s how a Hijikata wrapped in a thick coat with a furry hood, and wearing sunglasses, found himself trailing the new Vice-Commander through Edo. A thick scarf wrapped around his neck and hiding the lower part of his face up to his nose completed the more than suspicious ensemble.
He had wanted to follow him to find out if Sougo was going crazy, or if this guy was really as shady as the sadist said. The other one was still dressed in his cloak and straw hat, and the cold didn't seem to bother him much. Moreover, he was walking around the capital as if nothing had happened. And people didn't seem to pay much attention to him either, despite his strange appearance. It was even Toshiro, who seemed to attract more attention.
"Atccchaaaaaa!" Toshiro sniffed as he sneezed. "Why do I have to deal with this, when I'm sick and supposed to be resting?"
With his nose stuffed, he followed his new teammate without really knowing what he was doing. After all, this man had helped him the other day, and had taught Sougo a good lesson. But when Captain Okita insisted, he gave in. And the fact that the sadist had succeeded in taking Kondo-san into his delirium, had not helped things to improve. So he followed the vice-commander, until he ended up near the port area, far away from the Kabuki district.
So far, Kemono had been content to enter shops and wander among the residential areas, but as time passed, he had moved on to the freight areas; seemingly interested in warehouses.
"What is this guy doing in a place like this?" Toshiro whispered to himself.
As if to answer his question, Kemono entered one of the warehouses, and walked towards a group of suspicious individuals. He exchanged a few tense words with the others, who seemed to be yakuza.
Right, no mistakes possible. Toshiro was sure of it, he had recognized one who had already been arrested several times by the city's police force.
So this Kemono was involved in this? He wanted to be sure, but just as he was about to move closer to hear more clearly what was being said, Kemono suddenly turned his gaze in his direction.
'No way! That guy noticed me? At such a distance!?' Toshiro mentally panicked, while hiding behind a transport pallet. 'This is bad. If that guy spotted me so easily, maybe he let me follow him knowingly to trap and eliminate me!'
He was stressing to death, the dreaded demonic Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi.
He hid as best he could in the shadows, expecting any minute to have to draw his sword. But nothing came. He then stood up, fearful, and saw that the warehouse was now empty, and that only a small light was still on, proving that individuals were still there a few minutes ago.
"Where did they all go!?" Toshiro wondered in a low voice.
He looked, suspiciously, all around him without getting too exposed; but obviously, the area had been completely deserted. The only person still present on the spot was only himself. He felt reassured not to have been discovered by the whole group, but he had lost track of Kemono.
So he decided to go back to the Shinsengumi Headquarters, without reluctance; knowing that he was really freezing in this weather, and that the snow would fall again in the evening, according to Ketsuno Ana. He sneezed repeatedly again on the way back, and found himself assaulted by Sougo and Kondo on the way back to the building.
After locking themselves in Commander Kondo's "office" and placing Yamazaki outside to make sure no one approached the room, Hijikata began his report. He explained what he had seen, and what had happened, up to the point where he had thought the dirty vice commander had spotted him.
"Um... I see. It's true that this guy is suddenly becoming very suspicious." Said Kondo. "He seems to know a lot about organized crime..."
"I told you so. This guy's pretty shady. And since he hangs out with the Yakuza, it's clear he's rotten to the core." Sougo added. "If we let him kill that bastard Hijikata, we'll have enough to nail him for good!"
"Are you crazy?! Sougo? I'm still here, I'll have you know!" Toshiro exclaimed. "Stop talking nonsense-Attchaaa!"
His loud protest was interrupted by an umpteenth sneeze.
"My, my, there's no need for that, we'll just keep investigating to see what this guy is hiding." Kondo reassured him. "I'll put Yamazaki in charge of watching over him during the day, and you Toshi, since you're sick, will take care of him when he's in your room!"
"Are you trying to get me killed or what!? This guy spend 80% of his time in my room doing nothing!" Countered Toshiro.
"No, that won't be the case, Hijibaka. If he saw you earlier, you won't have to watch him, since you'll already be dead by tonight." Sougo smiled sadistically.
The annoyance could be seen on the demonic Vice Commander's face. But he was too worried about what was in store for him tonight. And all that stress wasn't good for his condition. So he suffered a memory black hole, well, a blackout. He had apparently fainted, worn out by overwork, which was not advisable in his state of health. The doctor came back that night, and concluded that Hijikata had a good flu, and that 10 days in bed without making too much effort should solve the problem, in addition to the right medication. So it was no surprise that the mayonnaise addict woke up in his room to an absolutely vile snoring sound.
"How am I supposed to sleep with such a racket..." He muttered without addressing anyone in particular.
At that moment, the snoring stopped.
Kemono... Wasn't snoring anymore?
'Oh, what have I done? I hope I didn't wake that guy up... If I did, he's really going to kill me!' Toshiro suddenly thought.
The sickly smoker glanced towards the futon that was a few meters away from his, and saw a half-risen figure.
Kemono was awake.
Damn it.
He was awake. And thoughts raced through Toshiro's feverish mind. What if this guy was really dangerous, like Sougo said? What if this guy had really seen him earlier in the day? Was he going to try to kill him to keep the secret?
And suddenly, a loud gurgling sound echoed throughout the room.
'ah, he just got up because he's hungry... Now that I think about it...'
Toshiro's stomach, quite empty, gurgled in turn. Kemono then got up, and without glancing at his teammate, left the room. He returned a few minutes later, and threw something in the direction of Hijikata.
In panic at this seemingly threatening gesture, Toshiro jumped out of his futon to get as far away as possible from what he thought was a grenade.
But to his surprise, it was only a tube of mayonnaise.
'You must be hungry, right ?' Was written on a piece of paper that Kemono showed him.
Toshiro felt tears coming to his eyes. Such a nice guy could definitely not be a bad person! No matter what he had seen that afternoon, or what Sougo said!
"Thank you!" He said as he settled back into his futon with the tube of mayonnaise. "But, aren't you hungry? Your tummy rumbled too..."
'I eat out. My meals are so expensive that the Shinsengumi would go broke in no time if I ate here.' Said a new piece of paper.
"You eat expensive stuff like this?!" Toshiro marveled.
'You could say that'.
"You've got the good life, huh?" Toshiro added, a bit blazed. "Being part of the elite, in every sense of the word!"
'Don't get me wrong. I'm far from being part of the elite, or wishing I were. The only thing remarkable about me is my fighting ability; and I intend to keep it that way.'
The writing was rather distorted this time, showing that the one writing had likely taken Hijikata's remark the wrong way, but that he was controlling himself to not let his anger show.
"S-Sorry." Was all Toshiro could say.
He didn't really know what he had said wrong, nor why his teammate had reacted so sharply to his words. And he could not ask for an explanation.
A few minutes later, Kemono left the room, and he was not seen again for several days.
To Be Continued…
Comprehension Notes:
(1) Palmtop Tiger: Reference to the character of Taiga in Toradora. Her character is dubbed by the same seiyuu as Kagura's character, Kugimiya Rie. Taiga is nicknamed the palmtop tiger, and is boastful in addition to being loud and exuberant like Kagura.
(2) Minority Report: science fiction movie. In the future, crimes are predicted in advance by the Precogs, and it is therefore possible for the police to know where, when, and by whom a crime will be committed.
(3) Commoners: term used regularly by the character of Saibara Takane in the shojo manga Takane and Hana (published in English by Viz Media and finished in 18 volumes). He also has a tendency to look down on people.