Vita awoke in a small musty room. Rubbing her eyes, she looked around in confusion. Posters clung to the walls and magazines, toys, and trash cluttered the ground. She sat up to see she was lying on a small couch opposite a dirty bed. The room smelled awful, forcing her to pinch her nose shut.

"What the heck? Where am I?"

"YES!"

She jumped and pulled her hand away from her face.

"I did it! You're here!"

A chubby silhouette rapidly approached her. She lit her hand up in flames and formed a fireball.

"Don't come any closer unless you want to burn all that fat up," she warned.

The mystery person stopped. His features came into view, those being a neckbeard, a tight Canadian flag themed shirt, and a fedora. His eyes were streaming.

"Who are you? Where am I?" She demanded.

"Oh this? This is my room. I hope you like it," her captor said almost sheepishly. He was breathing really hard.

"Geez, and I thought my house was a mess."

"Unless Patty cleans it up, right?" The stranger said with a greasy smile.

"How do you know that?"

"I'm a fan of the Devil May Cry series. It's one of my favorite video games."

"Games? My dad's shop?"

"Yes! Yes! You're the daughter of Dante right? I'm so glad there's a female Sparda!"

"What are you talking about?"

"In the games there isn't a female descendant in the Sparda bloodline. Your dad has a twin brother, who has his own son, but your dad doesn't have any kids at all! That's just terri-" he violently choked on his spit and coughed for a few minutes before recovering. "That's not cool! He needs to have a daughter!"

"Uh, you're talking to her."

"But you're just a concept some guy on the internet made up! You're not canon! But I wished you were real, and now you're about to be! Now that I summoned you here out of my sheer rage and demands, you can join the series and be the next game's female protagonist! You can be Nero's rival and be the new female Vergil!"

"I don't know what you just said but that sounds awesome!" They both cheered. "Except for the fact that I was kidnapped and want to go home."

"No, you can't do that!"

"Why not? I'm not sure what you meant by games or cannons but my friends are probably wondering where I am. Come on, send me home."

"You can't go back now! I'm so close to victory!"

"And I'm really close to getting up and leaving."

"Wait!" He yelled. "Y-You don't understand how much I need you! The Sparda family needs a Giorno in its Joestar comparison I made up! You are the female Giorno!"

"…yeah, I'm not gonna pretend to know what that means."

"We need a new female protagonist to fit with my favorite anime!"

"Why do you keep saying 'female?'" Vita looked around and set her eyes on the posters on the walls, realizing that they pictured K-Pop stars or girls with their feet pointed at the camera. Glue seemed to cover the posters, despite being on the wrong side.

Wait a minute.

That's not glue. She was starting to piece together what the smell in the room was, to her horror.

The stranger looked at her with puppy dog eyes. "Can you…take off your shoes?"

"Oh hell no." She threw a fireball at the nearest pile of trash, making him yelp and shy away.

"P-please? Just for a little bit? I only want to take a few pictures."

"I'm a minor!"

"That's so hot."

"Oh for fu…" Vita lobbed another fireball at a large toy nearby. "Even my parents wouldn't put up with this mess."

The stranger's eyes lit up. "Ooh, can you tell me more about them?"

"Why, didn't you already do a background check?"

"I only read that you were Dante's daughter and brought you here as fast as I could."

"...ugh."

"So can you tell me who your mom is? I've been hoping that Dante would get with a future empress of the demon world! He must have met a demoness when he was down there."

"I guess you could say that."

The stranger gasped. "Really?! You must be her daughter then! Can you tell me who she is? What does she look like? What's her personality? Is she queen of the underworld? How did Dante make her fall for him? What are her powers?"

Way too many questions, Vita thought. But I might as well answer that last one. She looked him dead in the eye and snapped her left hand's fingers, where a spark of yellow electricity momentarily zapped between.

"NO!" He yelled.

"What?"

"That's so wrong! Dante can't be with Trish! She looks like his mom!"

"Oh, so now you have boundaries? I'm not over you trying to look at my feet!"

"Ewww, you're the worst possible daughter Dante could have!"

"From the looks of things you're one to talk. Do you even leave the house?"

"Oh shut up!" He turned his back to her breathing heavily.

"Still, a daughter is a daughter," the neckbeard said to himself. "Hm. Daughter. Female," He looked at her. "I can still work with this."

Vita could hear a sound across the room. From behind the predator there was a door, which had started to melt into the wall until it disappeared, trapping her inside. No way out.

"I'm not gonna sleep with you," she said.

"Aw, you won't? But-but I want my life to be a love story!"

"Now every girl in hearing range has glued her legs shut."

"That's not fair! I really am alone, like Vergil. It's tough."

"Are you…seriously comparing yourself to Uncle Vergil? That's lame, you know that?"

"Stop ruining my fun!" He yelled. "Just wait! I'll have my revengeance!"

"…huh?"

He turned around and headed back to his computer, unzipping his pants.

"Oh, gross," Vita turned away.

"You'll have to scratch your feet eventually," he said, pulling up his favorite SFM video game hentai as he started to stroke his member. He softly moaned. "Uh...ohh...female..."

...

Elsewhere, in a pocket dimension whose existence was unknown to most of the multiverse

...

The heavy thuds of a fully armored warrior walking on the featureless ground filled the air. The ground was metallic and the sky and surroundings were pitch black, yet a light with the brilliance of the sun illuminated the pathway from above. As the dimension was a blank slate of a world, there was nothing but flat ground for miles on end. It produced no sound and was devoid of any kind of wildlife and vegetation.

"Not to tempt fate or anything, but it sure does get boring not coming across any hostiles," Cortana said aloud. As usual, she was acting as the A.I. program within the armor of her companion. Her voice was loud in both of their heads.

"Of course, safety is our top priority, but no one ever said survival would be so...uneventful," she continued. Her partner remained silent. "Might as well stop with these patrol runs altogether."

They finally arrived at headquarters, a small building made of the same material as the ground. The building had no features save for two automatic doors. The sensors made notice of their presence, recognized them, and slid open to let them in.

"You think so too, right Samus?" Cortana asked.

The armored warrior shrugged. She headed inside and extracted Cortana's chip from her helmet and inserted it into a terminal, where Cortana's holographic form materialized.

"Good news, everyone," Cortana announced to the building's inhabitants. "We're still off his radar. We're safe for now, since he just pulled another kid off the internet."

Mai Shiranui, Pyra, Zelda, Tifa Lockhart, and other surviving women all breathed a sigh of relief.

"Better a fanfiction character than us…"

A/N: This is the second shitpost and like the first one, I edited it to make the dialogue and plot flow better. The last scene was was originally just two lines. This time, it focused on Vita and was the first time I wrote something with her in it since chapter 5. This is the only one that actually incorporated The New Life and Vita, but as it's a shitpost involving a real person it's again, obviously not canon, nor was it an intended bonus chapter. And since it doesn't mention the events of the last omake, these two are unconnected and independent from each other.

As mentioned prior, henshinslayer is obsessed with girls. He really wants Dante to have a daughter, but is also partial to Nero and Kyrie having one. He'd constantly make polls on Reddit asking us which option we wanted, but really just wanted people to choose the option he liked. So then, why make it a poll instead of a discussion post? Hell if I know. For example: he'd ask what type of children Nero and Kyrie should have. When someone commented about them having a son, he'd immediately respond with "How about coed twins?" And he actually once said he'd make his own hero's journey a love story. Man, I am begging you, please touch grass.

Another habit of his was to see an idea thrown around and latch onto it like a parasite. He saw someone once suggest DMC6's title be DMC666 and that's what he called it for a few months in every single post: DMC6 (DMC666). Him taking Vita, a concept another person came up with, is a reference to that. He wasn't exactly a thief when it came to content since he would credit fan artists when he reposted their art, but he never came up with anything original. As far as I know he doesn't even know Vita or this story exists, though I kind of hope he does. I know he's disgusted by Trish being with Dante (weird how his morals only apply to a woman who simply looks like Dante's mother but preying on underage girls is fair game) so I hope he reads this story feeling revulsed that a daughter of Dante was born from some very sexual love between Dante and the one woman he doesn't want him with.

My previous story A Revelation was also made as a rebuttal to his demands. He wasn't the only person who inspired it, but he was the core reason. My story's messages, Vita, my account, everything is here because of him. His obsession with Lucia or a new demoness getting with Dante was deconstructed in that story, with Lucia being portrayed as delusional and in denial and Ishtar being batshit insane and horny. I actually owe so much to this weirdo. Now, I have to repay him in kind, by annoying him so much he gets off the internet forever and touches grass.

I also decided to let up on Vita's age in The New Life. She's still in the 15-16 area, but as DMC's timeline isn't ever set in stone I don't want to give her a definitive age, as with the other characters.