Chapter 19
I find myself back where it all began.
Rachel is by my side and we're walking down a dimly lit side street, alone in the dark.
Vividly, I remember the night her mother was killed, the night we ran away from it all…The night we met Dick. It plays in my mind like a rerun of an old tv show, but this time it's painful to watch. It's painful to remember.
In the pocket of my jacket, I feel the weight of my remaining three pills. When Rachel pulls ahead of me a few steps, I slip one into my mouth and swallow it discretely. It'll take awhile to kick in; hopefully we're back at Titans Tower by then.
"Come on. Food's going to get cold," she calls to me and I lengthen my stride to catch up with her. She sneaks a few hot chips out of the brown paper bag she's holding and offers them to me. I shake my head and she frowns before eating them herself. "You're not hungry? It's been so good that Dick's been letting us eat whatever we want since you got back."
He's been achingly kind since he brought me back to Titans Tower four days ago. But it feel more like he's coddling me than anything. Treating me so nicely when it's not what I deserve.
"I missed you," Rachel says for the hundredth time.
I muster a smile. "Yeah. Missed you too."
"I just…I want you to know I was thinking about you. And that I wish I could've been there with you. I mean I know you probably didn't want me there but—" She cuts herself off, getting choked up. I see tears in her eyes.
"Rachel…" Comforting words are lost on me. What do I say to ease her pain when I can barely manage my own?
She stops in the middle of the sidewalk and turns to me. "Will, I'm so sorry."
"For what?"
"For everything!" She exclaims. "The whole reason you got into this mess was because you were trying to protect me. If you'd never met me…maybe you would have gone and looked for your sister earlier. Maybe you would have found her." She pauses, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Maybe you would've saved her." She wipes her face with the sleeve of her black cloak. "But you were too busy always saving me."
My chest aches. There is nothing worse than this horrible feeling of loss. All I can do is hope the pill kicks in soon and numbs some of it.
I shake my head. "You gave me an out, when you sent me away at the motel. I could've gone and looked for my sister then, but I didn't. That was my choice." I let out a long sigh, struggling to find the energy to comfort her. "Look, none of it's on you, Rach. Alright? It's on me. Now, let's go before the food gets cold." I stride ahead, hearing her reluctantly follow after me. I wish I could do so many things differently - wish I could save my sister and be better to Rachel and have more with Dick. All these what ifs suffocate me. But as the pill kicks in and everything mellows out, my surroundings dimming in intensity, all the pain suddenly matters considerably less.
~O~
The TV is blurry. Shapes and colours blend together. I am tripping hard.
Still, I manage to get the gist of what's happening; a police pursuit after a highly trained girl with silver hair and a bandage covering one eye. Jason, Gar, Rachel and Dick all watch the news story unfolding on the television with rapt attention.
"I'll be back," Dick declares, marching out of the living room and toward the elevator. I want to call out to him and ask him what the hell he thinks he's going to do…but my body is slow to react. By the time I manage to sit up, he's already gone.
I rub at my eyes as the floor moves up and down. That's got to be a hallucination, right?
"Does anyone else see that?" I ask, staring at the waving floorboards.
"See what?" Gar asks. Ok, definitely in my head then. I press the heels of my palms against my eyes.
"How high are you right now?" Jason asks, sounding somewhere between amused and judgemental.
I just shake my head and try to stand. Gar helps me to my room and I crash onto my bed, feeling like I'm sinking all the way into it, all the way down to the floor.
"Wake me up when Dick gets back," I mutter, but I'm not entirely sure if I actually get the words out before I fall asleep.
~O~
Jason, Gar and Rachel discuss the new girl that Dick brought home last night while I was passed out. I rub my eyes, having one of the worst comedowns of my life.
"He's probably just trying to find out who she is," Rachel says.
"He's giving her a sell job," Jason states, swinging one of the training swords around. "That's what he does. He can't resist a stray."
"I mean, I knew he'd be bringing in new people, I just…didn't think it'd be so soon," Gar says.
"We don't even know if we can trust her." Jason looks irritated.
"You don't need to trust her," I interject. "Dick won't put any of us in danger. You just need to trust him."
Unable to listen to their conversation for a moment longer and with a pounding headache, I stand up and walk out of the training room, rubbing at my temples. I need some aspirin - or preferably something stronger - like a fish needs water.
Dick is in the kitchen, making coffee. I keep my head down, moving past him toward the medicine cabinet. But he slides a cup across to me and I see aspirin tablets dissolving in water.
"Figured you might need that," he says. Avoiding his gaze, I take the glass and gulp it down. "How long are you going to keep doing this, Will?" He asks quietly.
I avoid the question, putting my glass into the sink. "The others are worried. They don't trust the girl you brought here."
"Don't change the subject."
I lean back against the bench, looking at him across the kitchen. He has a blue hoodie on under his brown leather jacket and despite the fact that he definitely hasn't slept in twenty-four hours, he doesn't look tired. He looks concentrated and worried, his eyebrows furrowed and his body angled toward me like I have his whole attention.
"I'm dealing with it," is all I can really say. What else is there?
"No, you're numbing it. There's a difference."
I think if I don't numb it, the grief will just swallow me whole. Eat me alive. "What exactly do you think I should do?"
"Channel it into something productive. You don't have to get over it, but you can use it. I can help you—"
"Like Bruce Wayne helped you?" I interrupt. He goes very still as I step toward him. "That's what he did, isn't it? He helped you channel the grief of losing your parents into something useful. He turned you into a weapon. Is that what you think I should do?"
After a pause, he says, "I'm not Bruce."
"Really? In this light you look so much like him." It's a cruel thing to say and my heart twists in my chest at the way he almost flinches back. Immediately, I wish I could swallow the words down, unsay them. But I can't.
I turn away, beginning to walk out of the kitchen. I don't make it far.
"Why did you come back here if you didn't want my help?" He asks and I stop. Because I need you, more than I've ever needed you. Because you make me feel safe when nothing else does, because I've never felt this way for anyone but you.
My throat tightens like I'm about to cry. Fuck, I am so sick of crying. "I had nowhere else to go," I tell him and walk away.
~O~
"It just pisses me off that he just makes decisions for us and doesn't include us. Like we're children. I'm not a fucking child." Jason is annoyed that Dick has unilaterally decided that Rose is going to stay. "I'm so sick of him acting like he's the fucking King of the Tower."
I snort at that, lying back on my bed whilst Jason paces across my room. I swear he can't sit still for more than five seconds at a time.
"He's just doing what he thinks is right."
"So you agree with him?" Jason stares at me accusingly and scoffs. "Of course you do."
"Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean?" I tilt my head up to glare at him.
"It means you're screwing him, so of course you're going to agree with everything he says!"
I sit up abruptly, shushing him. "Be quiet!" I crane my neck, making sure Rachel isn't in the hallway.
"What? Worried she's going to find out what's going on between you and Dick?" Jason taunts. God, he's a little shit.
"You don't know what you're talking about. And besides, that's over now, so just drop it."
He leans back against the window sill, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's really over between you two?"
I slump back onto my bed, my head bouncing off the pillow. "It never really began."
We lapse into silence.
"Why'd you come back here?" He asks, quietly. He's not looking at me, studying the floor instead. "You could've gone anywhere, why'd you come back?"
I think for a moment before answering. "You remember what it was like, bouncing between foster homes? The instability, always being on guard, never feeling safe." I shake my head. "I think I was just tired of that life. Here…it's safe. We have each other, even when we have nothing else. I'm not entirely sure, but I think that's family."
"Yeah, I thought I had that. With Bruce." Jason is spaced out now, his mind far away, back in Gotham city. "Then he sent me here, like I'm a goddamn computer that needs reprogramming. Like he just wanted to get rid of me as fast as possible."
I feel sorry for him and angry at Bruce Wayne - for a multitude of reasons. Having family ripped away from you is worse than never having it at all. Maddy's innocent, smiling face flashes through my mind.
"You think he's ever going to let me come back?" Jason murmurs. I wish I could give him the answers he's looking for.
"Honestly, I have no idea." We are both locked in this tower, miserable, mourning people who are no longer here or who never loved us. It sucks. I look at him. "Wanna go get really drunk?"
~O~
My ears are still ringing from the thumping music that played the entire night in the various clubs Jason and I went to. We stumble out of the elevator, hanging on to one another to stay upright. It's early in the morning, the sun barely up, so I mostly expect everyone to still be sleeping.
But the penthouse is brimming with company.
Donna, Dawn and Hank - bags on their shoulders and grim expressions set in place - face Dick, Gar and Rachel.
Jason and I come to a stop. I clear my throat and adjust the top of my dress as all eyes land on us.
Well, this is uncomfortable.
"Where were you?" Rachel asks, eyes round with worry.
"We were just…out." Guilt hits me like a tonne of bricks. Beside me, Jason starts to laugh. He's still wasted. I elbow him in the ribs.
"It's good to see you, Will," Dawn says in that sweet, floaty voice of hers. I nod, unable to muster a smile.
"I'll meet you guys in the control room," Dick tells his old friends and they head off down the hallway. I avoid his eyes, feeling his disapproving glare burn my skin.
"I called you," Rachel says. "Like four times."
"Sorry, my phone died." It's a lie; I turned my phone off right before Jason and I left. I needed to forget everything for a night and it worked. We had a good time. But now morning has come and the world is crashing back down on us. It feels utterly terrible.
Jason sways on his feet. "I'm gonna throw up," he mutters right before he runs down the corridor toward the bathroom.
Gar leads Rachel away, her body melting into his side. I obviously missed something going on between them. Before everything, I would've been the first one to know. But I guess Rachel and I's friendship has deteriorated to the point where I'm no longer the first person she wants to speak to, nor the source of her comfort.
Dick comes closer to me, taking in my heels, smudged makeup and alcohol-stained dress. His eyes linger on my neck. Disappointment creases every inch of his face. "I know you're going through hell right now. Trust me, I've been there. But right now we're facing some serious threats and we need to be united as a team." He stops in front of me. "So get your shit together."
With that, he turns and walks in the direction his old Titans teammates went.
Feeling terrible, I drag myself into my bathroom and have a long shower, washing off the stench of cigarette smoke and the stickiness of spilled drinks. Condensation fogs the mirror. I wipe my palm over it, clearing it, and I stare at my reflection. My pupils are still blown from the pills I took earlier, my knuckles are split like I hit someone and there's a small hickey right above my collarbone that I'm positive Dick was staring at. I cringe, trying to remember if I hooked up with someone. Did I hook up with Jason? Surely not. It's all so hazy.
Dick's disappointed face replays in my mind. I don't want to be this person. I hate who I'm becoming, so selfish and single-minded when before I was devoted to others. First my sister and then Rachel.
I remind myself that I did not love Maddy in isolation; she loved me back. She would whisper to me in the dark when we were sleeping at a new foster placement and tell me that I was her favourite person, the best big sister in the world.
That sweet girl wouldn't have wanted me to be like this.
Wrapped in a towel, I move from my ensuite into my bedroom and rummage through my purse for my small bag of pills. I carry them back to the bathroom.
My stomach twists; I want to take one so badly that it actually makes me sweat, makes me sick. But I empty out the bag into the toilet and flush it.
Maybe Dick is right. I need to channel my grief into something else.
~O~
"Don't keep your feet so close together. You'll lose your balance easier," Jason instructs. I widen my stance, rolling my shoulders. He throws a punch that I manage to duck beneath but I stumble back when he follows it with a sharp kick to the stomach. I'm winded momentarily, but the pain doesn't phase me.
I manage to get one hit in before he pins me to the ground. I don't even bother trying to wrestle him off of me. I'm not strong enough - yet.
His thumb lightly touches the hickey on my neck and I quickly push his hand away, shoving him off me. We're both panting.
"Do you remember what happened last night?" I ask him. He seems to understand what my real question is.
"I didn't give that to you, if that's what you're wondering."
My shoulders unwind with relief. He pulls me to my feet.
"Would that really have been so terrible?" He asks and I hesitate on how to answer. Jason is like a bomb; you have to handle him carefully or he'll explode.
"It's just…things are complicated for me right now," I try to explain.
"I thought you said things were over between you and Dick." The defensiveness in his voice puts me on guard.
"This isn't about Dick," I lie. Of course it's about him. He and I aren't together and we never really were, but I still feel a sense of loyalty. I don't want to be hooking up with other people, especially not ones that I have to live with.
I grab my water bottle and head toward the hallway.
"You didn't have sex with anyone," Jason says and I stop. "Some douchebag grabbed you and kissed you, gave you that hickey. But you clocked him in the face. Then we got kicked out."
The memory starts to come back to me, very faintly. I look down at my bruised and cracked knuckles.
"Thanks, Jason."
~O~
Gar is searching the power grid to find Dr. Light. Rose is settling into her room, while Donna, Dawn and Hank get comfortable being in the Tower again, being home.
Once Gar finds Dr. Light, they'll take him out and then they'll deal with the re-emergence of Deathstroke. Dick has everything under control. Except for Will.
He doesn't mean to seek her out; he's been trying to keep his distance since she got back, lest he manages to make everything worse with her. Still, somehow he finds himself searching for her. But she's nowhere to be seen.
Eventually, after checking the building's security cameras, he discovers her on the floor below the penthouse. It's mostly empty with bare walls and hardly any furniture. She's hauling a desk out of the enormous storage cupboard, into the main living space. There's already four large computers lined up on the floor, waiting to be plugged in.
"What are you doing?" He asks, confused. She startles and looks over at him, her hair falling into her face, chest rising and falling from the physical exertion of moving the heavy wooden desk.
"Setting something up," she replies after a moment and goes back to yanking the desk forward. Something has changed in her, it's clear to see. Colour has returned to her skin, the light in her eyes reignited with familiar determination. Gone is the look of utter hopelessness and despair and in its place is the tenacity and stubbornness that he has come to love about her.
He moves forward and plants his hands on the desk, pushing it forward with ease. She helps manoeuvre it into the spot she wants - which is close to the power board she has set up.
"Should I ask?" He questions, motioning to the computers and other equipment she's pulled out of the storage room.
"Not yet," she says, wiping away dust that has transferred from the unused desk onto her hands.
"You seem better," he notes, slipping his hands into the pockets of his jeans. Her eyes are clear, no more blown pupils or foggy haze.
She nods resolutely. "I'm focusing on other things, I'm…"
"Distracting yourself?" He asks and she nods again. Maybe it's not the healthiest coping mechanism in the world, but it's infinitely better than booze and drugs and partying. His eyes drop to the fading bruise on her neck. Obviously he isn't very subtle because she raises her hand and covers it.
"It's not from Jason. I can tell that's what you're thinking," she says and he can't hide the relief that washes through him, even if it's wrong. Maybe she should be with Jason - he's certainly more age appropriate, they have more shared experience, similar childhoods. By all accounts, he's the one that she should be sleeping with.
But the thought of them together makes Dick sick to his stomach. It makes him resent Jason in a way he doesn't want to, like he resented him when he found out how quickly Bruce had replaced him as Robin.
"You don't have to tell me," Dick forces out, silencing the questions running through his mind about whatever guy Will hooked up with. Did you have sex with him? Did you moan his name like you moaned mine? Did he kiss you like I did?
She steps forward, closer to him. "I know I don't. But I want you to know that…it was literally nothing. I only sort of remember but he kissed me for like five seconds and then did this." She waves at her neck. "And then I broke his nose. That part I remember."
Dick can't help but be amused at that. He does his best to tamp it down.
"He got off lucky if you only broke his nose."
A small smile tugs at her lips. God, how he's missed that smile.
"I would've broken his jaw, but I was feeling charitable."
He huffs out a laugh and steps toward her once, twice. "You? Charitable? I'll believe it when I see it."
She laughs as well and he basks in the sound.
"When are you going to tell me what you're working on?"
"Soon," she promises. "Just for now it's…mine. I need it to be mine."
He nods in understanding, wants her to have this for herself if that's what she needs to heal. For a moment they are quiet, the empty space around them swallowing the silence. "Look," he says. "I'm sorry if you think I was too harsh before. Telling you to get your shit together." He's not great at apologies, but to be fair, she isn't either.
She immediately shakes her head. "We both know I'm not a soft touch. Tough love is a language I'm fluent in."
He knows this is true, but he doesn't want to love her the way others have loved her before, nor the way she's been taught to love. He wants to show her a different way; one that Bruce never showed him.
"I know that but…I just want to say that even if I seem frustrated with you, I'm not giving up. Ever. Just like you never gave up on me. You fought to save me, in the forest." Memories of them alone in the wilderness flood him, punctuated harshly by the memory of her murdering Turner and his henchman in order to save Dick's life. "You never gave up, even when maybe you should have."
"You always do that," she notes, meeting his eyes strongly.
"Do what?"
"Act like you don't deserve to be saved. Is that what it is, Grayson? You save everyone but no one can save you?"
The distance between them stretches and shrinks all at once.
He wishes he could explain to her how Bruce supposedly saved him when he was a child, but how that was really a lie. Bruce didn't save Dick; Dick needed saving from Bruce. And when he realised a saviour was never coming, he learnt how to save himself. Unlearning that is a very hard thing to do.
"You saved me," he says, so quietly that he isn't sure she hears. But then she comes closer, his heart thumps in his chest like a drum, and she stops right before him, their shoes touching.
"I did," she agrees, her voice smaller than he's used to. "I just wish that made us even close to square for everything you've done for me."
He doesn't want to be even with her - he stopped keeping track a long time ago, if he ever was. You don't keep score with the people you love. You just love them the best you can, for as long as you can. Dick hasn't always been good at that, but he's determined to get better. For her, but also for Rachel and Gar and even Jason.
Their hands brush. Her breathing catches.
Slowly, he tangles their fingers together. She sways toward him and he steadies her with a hand on her hip. His thumb slips beneath the fabric of her white shirt, touching warm skin.
"Dick," she breathes, eyes trained on his mouth. He walks her backwards until her legs hit the desk and then he picks her up and places her on it, fitting between her open knees. His hand slides up her thigh, over her jeans, and he wishes for more bare skin. Less layers between them. A pink hue colours her cheeks, her lips parted on a breath. He leans down, planting his hands on the desk either side of her, and skims his mouth along her jaw. She grips his shoulders tightly, fingernails digging in. The sound that she makes when he lightly scrapes his teeth over her skin is intoxicating.
He wraps his arms around her and brings her to the edge of the desk, pushing their bodies flush together. She gasps as her hips press into his, her head falling forward into his chest. He's hard as hell and he just knows that if he reached into the waistband of her jeans and touched her, she'd be soaked. The dim light bulb above them flickers, but they pay it no mind, too caught up in this moment, in each other. He grasps her chin and tilts her head up, leans down to kiss her like he's been so desperately aching to do. Their lips brush, hers so soft and willing.
Then, the light bulb sparks and goes out completely.
They jerk away from each other.
"What…?" Will's eyebrows furrow, but Dick's stare is stuck looking out the windows behind her. The entire city's power is slowly going out, one grid at a time, bathing San Francisco in utter darkness. "What's happening?"
"It's Dr. Light. He's redirecting the energy, looking for a light delivery system to refuel." Ignoring the intense annoyance in his chest and his raging arousal, he turns on his heel and they make their way back up to the penthouse, her following close behind him.
~O~
"He's using the stadium. Look!" Gar tells us from the living room when the elevator doors slide open. He's pointing to the one bright spot left in the city.
Dick brushes past me and disappears down the hall, presumably to find his old Titans teammates. I press my knees tightly together, trying to forget the way Dick made me feel barely a minute ago, pressed up against him on the floor below us. It is not a feeling that is easy to dismiss.
When Dick reemerges with Donna, Dawn and Hank following him, Jason comes down the other hallway, dressed in his Robin suit.
"We on the move?" Jason questions.
"Yeah to Omaha. We'll drop you off at the bus station," Hank jokes.
"This doesn't have anything to do with you. We'll handle it," Dick says and Jason's eyes darken with annoyance.
"I didn't come here to empty the dishwasher. At least let me run interference or something."
Dick's face pinches and, worried he's about to say something that will set Jason off, I step in. "Jason, come on. Let them deal with it. Sounds boring as fuck anyway."
"But I can help," Jason protests.
Dick shakes his head. "Not tonight." His eyes meet mine over Jason's shoulder.
Be safe, I want to say. But the words get lodged in my throat. I go down and touch Jason's shoulder. He shrugs me off, storming back towards his room. All I can do is watch as Dick follows the other former Titans into the elevator, the doors sliding shut.
~O~