Chapter Three: Heartbroken Heartbreaker

"There is a strange coldness that comes from suddenly realizing that everything you love will one day fade."

Music Inspiration: Ghost Town by Benson Boone

Their departure to King's Cross was a much smoother process than usual. Lily's father had managed a Portkey to transport them directly into one of the compartments of the Hogwarts' Express.

"You don't mind me not driving you in today, do you?" He had asked, an apologetic expression to his face as Xander worked on charming his one trunk and Lily's seven into eight tiny boxes that would easily fit into the pockets of their cloaks. "I just can't reschedule this morning's meeting. Besides, this way you won't have to deal with any cameras."

Lily had considered feeling hurt that her father hadn't bothered coming to wave them goodbye on their very last first of school, but she quickly changed her mind as she and Xander bounced out of their milk carton Portkey and into the middle of an empty compartment, from which window's she could spot the crowd of reporters with flashing cameras her father had alluded to. They were half circled around a balding, gingered hair man, a middle-aged, bushy haired witch, and a red-headed teenager, who was looking rather miserably at his shoes.

"Poor Hugo," sighed Lily, almost unaware she had said it out loud.

Xander leaned towards the window as well, his gaze following hers. "Hermione's term is almost over. If she decides not to re-run for Minister of Magic, things will get easier."

Lily nodded absently, still staring out at her cousin, and mumbled, "We can always hope."

Xander cleared his throat and inched back. "I'll be off. I'm sure you want to go searching for that two-legged pygmy-puff of yours."

"Don't call Andrew that."

"Wow, Lily, I wasn't even thinking about him…"

She spun around to find the corner of his lips curling with the satisfaction of knowing she had played right into one of his tricks. Lily felt, not for the first time that day, the strong urge to hex him, but Xander was already out in the corridor, his back to her, and a hand waving in the air.

Lily looked after him. The compartment they had landed in was the very last one. She was sure her group of friends were already in their usual compartment but it was all the way towards the front and it would be impossible to make it there without running into Andrew. He would want to talk right then and there, and he would make a public row out of everything. Their break up would be on everybody's lips by the time the Sorting Hat hit its first head of the night.

The train picked up speeding, knocking her off her feet and into the seat behind her, and Lily stayed there, long after the scenery outside changed from gloomy grays of London and into the dark green of the Scottish mountainside.

()()

"Where in the world have you been?"

Lily had been deep in a dream that involved Quidditch and an army of pygmy-puffs when an indignant cry jolted her back into consciousness. She had to rub her eyes before her vision focused and then smiled pleasantly at the familiar figure in front of her. "'Ello, Hugo. Have a nice summer?"

Hugo's mouth formed a small circle, as if he was too stunned for words. He had bushy red hair, wore unfashionable jumpers, and had a knack for being much too clever for his own good, but Lily loved him with all her heart, and she knew he felt the same about her, even though he was currently looking at her like he could murder her. "Did I have a nice summer?" echoed Hugo absurdly. "I haven't seen you since we left Hogwarts, Lily. What the hell?"

Lily finished sitting herself up. She looked like a mess. She could feel it. But she wasn't awake enough yet to address it. "I know, I know…"

"And I literally spent the last two hours knocking on every single compartment door in this bloody train trying to find you!"

"Congratulations, by the way," said Lily acknowledging the bronze badge on his chest. "Aunt Hermione must have been thrilled."

"Lily, are you listening to me? No one could tell me where you were. Hannah said she didn't hear from you all summer either. Xander said you went looking for Rogers, but Rogers is also going mad trying to find - Oh that's probably him right there!"

A loud knock had interrupted Hugo and he jumped to open the door but when Andrew Rogers walked inside, he found only Hugo in the compartment. "She's not here either then?"

Hugo blinked at the spot where Lily was sitting, and offered Andrew a terribly awkward attempt of a smile. "Not unless she's hiding under an invisibility cloak, huh, mate? Ha, ha…" He slammed the compartment door shut behind Andrew, and then he was back to dealing with his cousin. "What the bloody hell was James thinking lending you his cloak? You get into enough trouble as it is on your own!"

From out of thin air, Lily's head popped out, the invisibility cloaked falling to her waist, and she offered him the sweetest smile she could conjure. "You don't suppose you could hunt down some treats for us, can you? I'm afraid I must have been asleep when the lunch trolley came by, and I'm absolutely famished…" '

()()

"My summer was shot dead by Scorpius Malfoy," said Hugo, throwing a green jelly bean up and then catching it with his mouth. He made a strange face and then, "Hmph. Grass flavor. Not as bad as you'd think."

Empty candy wrappers lay on the seats all around them. Lily had used the time Hugo had taken to hunt them for food to change into her school uniform and fix her hair, and she now sat with her back against the window, and her feet on top of Hugo's lap. She tossed a dark red jelly bean, trying to catch it just as Hugo had done, but it rolled down her chin, and Hugo laughed.

"It wasn't Scorpius' fault," she finally managed to say. "I was being ridiculous. Only an idiot would have thought I'd ever have a chance with someone like him."

She sighed wistfully, hoping that Hugo would be kind enough to take a few minutes to remind her just how great she really was and how lucky Scorpius would have been to have her, but Hugo did not take the bait.

"Rosie wouldn't stop snogging him," said Hugo, clearly not caring that that piece of information tasted even more awful to Lily than the blood favored jelly bean she had just spat out. "Dad was in a bloody foul mood about it. He took it on everyone else too. He even got into a few rows with Teddy."

"Teddy?" said Lily, surprised.

"Honestly," Hugo agreed. "Of all the well-meaning Hufflpuffs in the world, right?"

"Teddy's heading the recruitment section of the Auror Department," said a deeper voice, and Lily looked up to find Xander making his way to join them, "but Ron hasn't been letting him have as much free reign as he would have wanted. They've both been complaining about it to Harry."

Xander was closing the compartment door behind him, but Lily was more focused on the state of his appearance. For as long as she had known him, he had always been the picture of proper neatness but this afternoon he looked uncharacteristically dishelveld. His hair was tousled, his shirt looked wrinkled, and there was a definite smudge of lipstick that ran from his jaw to his throat.

Lily and Hugo exchanged looks, and then Hugo, point blank as always, said, "You look like you just finished shagging someone. Is that why you couldn't help me look for Lily?"

Xander curved into a guilty half smile. "I told you she was fine though, didn't I?"

"Geeze thanks," said Lily glumly. "Dementors have been known to hijack the Hogwarts' Express before, but yes, I'm fine, thanks for the concern."

Xander chuckled softly, and Lily slumped further down her seat, realizing that it had been silly of her to feel hurt when it had been ages since Xander had last cared whether or not a malicious creature sucked her soul right out of her body. "Come off it, Lily," he said, as if he could read her mind. "That hasn't happened since '93. Besides, I was going to come help as soon as I was finished with the other important commitment that desperately needed my attention."

Lily wrinkled her nose. Xander was as uncommitted in his relationships as he was committed to his studies. It seemed like almost every other month, he had his tongue inside another girl's mouth. It was beyond her understanding, really, how any girl could be dumb enough to fall for his witty little lines when his promiscuity was so transparent. "You weren't really doing that here, were you?"

"Not here," said Xander, his voice echoing amusement, "but somewhere near here, yes."

"It better not be Caroline Suffles again," said Hugo, his lips thin the way they got whenever anyone ever said anything stupid. "Every year, it's the same thing with you two. You date and then you break up and then she's following me around, wanting to know if you're dating this girl or that girl. She cried on my shoulder last year when you tutored Orla Jones for Charms."

Xander neither confirmed nor denied it but he had the decency to look down at the palm of his hands, as if he was feeling less confident about his actions. Strangely enough, Lily didn't entirely blame him. Caroline and Xander had been dating since the end of their third year. He had had plenty of other flings since then but Caroline was the one he stayed friends with, the one he picked as a project partner whenever Hugo wasn't available, and the one he chose to snog again whenever he grew bored of his previous selection.

Sometimes your first love actually meant something. Sometimes it was something that stayed with you forever.

That wouldn't be her case though, and she couldn't help but feel a little bitter about it. Her relationship with Andrew was much less passionate. Whenever they fought, he would cry, and she would console him the way she might have consoled a child. Whenever they snogged, she would often let her mind wander elsewhere. He had always been much too scared of her to try anything past kissing, except for that one time he had been drunk enough to shove a hand up her shirt, but even that had gone awfully, awfully wrong, and the two had nearly broken up over it.

The endless loop of fighting and making up had nearly driven Lily crazy, and she was thinking of that when she asked, "Doesn't it get boring? The on again, off again thing you two have going on?"

"A Ravenclaw's clever tongue never gets boring," replied Xander, leaning back and grinning at Lily, as if enjoying the fact that she had just turned bright red. "I would think you could empathize since you have one of your own… Or has that one grown useless now that you no longer need it to make Scorpius jealous? Is that why you are here with us instead of there with him?"

She detested him some days. Truly and utterly hated him. But he was right, and if she tried denying it now, it would encourage him to humiliate her further. As it was, her silence alone had been enough for his lips to curl into a taunt. "Poor, poor Rogers," he said with a sneer, "thinking an eagle could fly high enough to keep from falling prey to a lioness."

"Leave her alone, Xander." Hugo's voice had a low warning to it. "We're a little too old to be pulling pigtails at the playground, don't you think?"

She didn't know exactly what this meant but it was enough for Xander to lose his smile and look out the window in discontent. Lily looked from Xander back to her cousin. Hugo had a face that could be described as earnest. He was Head Boy this year but he didn't care so much about rules as he cared about not being too much trouble for anyone. He often had an uncontrollable knack for bluntness, but he never really meant it meanly, and though he was too level-headed and fond of books to be popular at school, he got along well enough with just about everyone.

Xander, on the other hand, was the opposite of that; Xander could be mean. More than once, Lily had seen how his eyes darkened, the blue of his eyes turning ice cold, when someone displeased him. He was not physically violent but only, Lily suspected, because he could do more damage with his words than most boys could do with their fists or wands.

So it always came as a surprise to her how quickly Hugo could quiet him down, how he alone always knew exactly what to say to keep Xander in his place.

"Who's Head Girl anyways?" asked Xander, his tone was light but Lily had the distinct feeling he was trying to change the conversation.

"Hannah Archer," said Hugo, his ears suddenly going red.

Lily smiled warmly at her cousin. Hugo had had a crush on Hannah for as long as she could remember. Hannah had always been kind to him in return, but it was hard to tell if she had any romantic interest in him. Even if she had, Hugo turned into a blubbering mess whenever she was around and hardly ever spoke more than half a dozen words to her, despite the two of them being Gryffindor Prefects together the past two years.

"This will be your chance, Hugo," Lily told him. "You two will be sharing dormitories, and she broke it off with that twat, William Dune, at the end of last year… I could talk to her… Casually bring you up?"

"Lils, no," Hugo cried mortified. "Promise me you won't. It would make things so awkward for us, especially because we are going to have to live with each other for the rest of the year. You have to promise you won't!"

"Alright, alright," said Lily with a long sigh, "I promise."

"Oh shit, we're almost there, " cried Xander. From their window, Lily could see that the sky had turned a dark shade of blue and that they were near their destination. "Scam, Potter. I need to change."

"I was here first- Ew, Xander, don't!" Lily cried blushing furiously as Xander started unbuttoning his trousers in front of her. He shot her a satisfied smile, and Lily slipped out of their compartment before he could embarrass her any further, though not quick enough to avoid hearing Hugo saying, "For Merlin's sake, would it really kill you to be a little bit nicer? Clean up your face while you're at it. You have lipstick everywhere."

()()

There is a strange sensation that comes from suddenly realizing that everything you love will one day fade. Lily wasn't the kind of girl to give into sentimentalities, at least that's what she often told herself, but as she looked around the Great Hall, she couldn't help but feel an immense wistfulness for all things she had loved and lost.

Her mother had not seemed very ill at first. It had only been just an ordinary cold that began along with summer, and Ginny hadn't allowed it to derail their beach vacation plans. Lily hadn't been afraid then. Her mother, fearless and sure, could never fall; she was as eternal and indestructible as daybreak, gently smoothing the darkness to make the world her own.

By the time summer ended, she was visiting with healers almost weekly, but she had come to wave them goodbye at King's Cross, and though the boys had all been uncharacteristically quiet, Lily had not thought it time to worry. It was only just another evil her father would have to chase away.

They had been taken from Hogwarts a week before the winter holidays were scheduled to start, on a morning when the six Christmas trees on the Entrance Hall had looked so spectacular, it had almost hurt her to have to give them an early goodbye. Ginny was in a hospital room by then. She had done her best to laugh at James' jokes but they had taken her breath away and sent her into coughing fits.

Lily had no idea what it was about tonight. Perhaps it was the nostalgia of their last start of the year banquet at the Great Hall… Perhaps it was the fact that the candles, in their mid-air pose, were flickering a light that was a coppery shade of red, reminding her of her mother's hair… Perhaps it was the laughter of her fellow classmates, loud and secure and timeless… Whatever it was, she had her mother on her mind, so real and fully formed that she almost wanted to reach out and tell her how much she had missed her.

"Lily! You aren't listening to me!" Lily turned, still in trance, to find Nia Siles tugging at her sleeve. "Are we or are we not going to throw a party tonight? It's tradition for seventh-year students to host the very first party of the year at the Gryffindor Tower."

"Hmm? Oh right, the party tonight." Lily worked on refocusing her thoughts. The start-of-the-year party. Grffyindors always hosted it. It was usually a smaller gathering than their Quidditch celebration parties or before-the-holidays celebrations, but they were still very important. The start-of-the-year set the tone as to what House would dominate the social scene that year. It had to be Gryffindor. But did it have to be tonight? "Erm, shouldn't we just wait for the weekend to come along?"

Nia's eyes traveled to their other roommate, Syana Crowe, who jerked her head at the tables behind them. "Daisy Ginger is still pissed that I threw a party on her birthday. If we don't jump on this tonight, Ravenclaw will try to take it away from us."

Lily traced an eyebrow with her index finger. "I don't know. I'm bloody spent. Let's ask Hannah, yeah? There she comes now."

Hannah and Hugo had been standing on the back of the Hall, ensuring everything was in order, but now that the first years had been sorted and the feast was in full swing, they were making their way towards their table. Hugo almost always preferred to sit with Xaner than with Lily. He was friendly with the Gryffindor boys but not anywhere as close to them as he was with Xander. He always sat with Lily during the beginning of year feast though. That was their tradition, and he now slipped into the seat Lily had saved for him.

"Hannah's said no already," said Nia with a disgruntled look. "She thinks mighty highly of herself now that she's Head Girl."

"I do not," said Hannah indignantly. She was wearing her hair in the same fashion as the other three girls, down to the waist, and pinned in the back with an oversized bow, but Lily thought it looked best of all on her. "We aren't allowed to do gatherings on the first night of-"

"Bullocks. Since when has not being allowed to do something ever stopped us before? Lily, you want to throw a party, don't you?"

Nia was looking at her expectantly; Hannah already looked disappointed. Lily turned to Hugo for help, knowing fully well that he would side with Hannah, and she would end up listening to Nia. Hugo, however, was looking straight ahead, and he elbowed her arm. "Rogers."

Andrew had been staring at her all night but only just now did he seem to lose what patience he had had left because he was starting to get up from the Ravenclaw table, ignoring Baird Kimble, his best mate and fellow team player, who was grabbing him by the arm and making discouraging gestures.

"He was wailing the entire way over here," said Syana, following Lily's gaze. "He kept going on and on about how he was certain you were probably planning to break up with him. Poor thing. I felt a little sorry for him. We all tried consoling him and reminding him that desperate cries of attention are sort of your signature-"

"Wait," said Nia, placing a hand on Syana's arm to silence her. Her eyes were on Lily, and then she beamed. "Are you? Lily, that's fantastic. This is the first time in ages the four of us are single at the same time. We definitely need a party. Oscar," she cried out, and Oscar Knight, a fellow seventh year Gryffindor, turned from the conversation he had been having with his roommate, Navim Chatlani, "can you manage a couple of bottles of dragon gin? Let's play charmed spin-the-bottle tonight."

Oscar shook his head, not upset - he rarely got upset - but looking like he did whenever someone suggested a Quidditch game plan he knew wouldn't pan out. "No stupid drinking games. No stupid drama."

But both Nia and Syana had already jumped to move closer to Oscar, who looked like he was in no mood for their antics, but would probably give in to them eventually anyways; he had a soft spot for the four seventh-year Gryffindor girls.

"Wait," said Lily, suddenly panicking.

They had played spin the bottle with dragon gin at the beginning of last year. Lily should have known it was a bad idea but James had never let her in on games like that while he was at Hogwarts and it had sounded exciting. But then she had landed on Nia, and she realized she had never kissed a girl before, never kissed anyone that wasn't Andrew. The panic she had felt had caused her to throw a fit. Nia had called her a prude. Andrew had told her it was all part of the game and that she should follow through. Then Nia had laughed at their kiss and told Lily she kissed like a newborn bunny. Andrew had gotten so jealous, he had left the party early, and Lily, of course, had had to follow to console him, even though the music had just picked up into something of her liking, and Edward Ballard was telling her she should just stay and dance with him instead.

It had been one of the worst nights of the year, and the last thing she wanted tonight was to have to kiss someone else hours after breaking up with her boyfriend.

"We should just table the whole-" Lily had started to say but Hugo elbowed her again, and Lily ran out of time to think. Andrew had finally made his way to her and his eyes were already watery. "You aren't supposed to leave your table during feasts," Lily stammered dumbly.

People were already staring in their direction. Even Xander, who had hopped from the Slytherin table to the Ravenclaw one to catch another snog with Caroline, had taken a pause to look their way.

"The bloody hell is wrong with you?" said Andrew, nostrils flaring. He was a sweet, easy-to-manage boy most days, but every now and then, usually due to something Lily had done or failed to do, his temper would explode, and then he stopped caring where his anger took him. "I must have sent you a bloody hundred owls and you never even had the decency to let me you know if you were still fucking alive."

People were definitely staring now. Clusters of girls were whispering and giggling to each other. Andrew's friends were smacking their faces with their hands. Oscar and his friends were frowning, their backs straight, ready to pull out their wands. It would take only a second later for the staff table to notice something amiss, and with that thought in mind, Lily jumped to her feet and started pulling Andrew away from them all.

"You must return to your seats for the duration of the feast."

Molly Weasley was standing in front of the two of them, arms crossed, and a shiny badge with the letter 'P' pressed neatly on her chest. Lily was about to shoulder past her but Hugo had already pulled their cousin down to sit besides him. "Don't be a bloody pain, Weasley," he told her, handing her a cupcake as if that alone would be enough to appease her. "You haven't even been a prefect for twenty-four hours yet."

The air felt immediately colder the moment they stepped outside of the Great Hall. Lily still couldn't meet Andrew's eyes. She was staring at the stained glass window behind him, catching the reflection of the floating candles they had left behind.

She was thinking of her mother again. Of her mother, and of her first sorting, of how she had loved the House of Gryffindor the moment she had first set foot inside of the Great Hall. They had been all scarlet colors and warm energy, and Xander had turned to her and said, "Of course you'll go there, Lily. There's no one braver."

Xander had been sorted last that year. Lily had prayed he would also end up in Gryffindor but he had been sent to Slytherin, where Albus and Scorpius had been ready to give him a cheerful welcome.

"It's only just a dormitory," he had promised her, "you'll always be my best friend," but that had been a lie. Xander had forgotten all about her, first amidst books and classes and homework, and then tangled up in the girls who had been able to find his attention in ways Lily could never even begin to imagine doing with her own boyfriend.

Lily couldn't even pinpoint when they had stopped being friends completely, but whenever she gave it any thought, and she did so more often than she liked to admit, she always blamed it on the night of their sorting.

Andrew cupped her face gently. "Love, what's wrong?"

Lily didn't move her face, and though it took everything in her to do it, she met his eyes. "Andrew, we can't do this anymore. We have to-"

"Lily, no." He let go of her face like it had burnt him. His eyes were starting to blur again. His curls fell over his ears, his nose was pink, and Lily felt so sorry for him. "Last year was a rough patch... We were both overwhelmed and drinking too fucking much, but we can work it out. People who love each other work things out. You do love me, don't you?"

She could remember the first time she had said those three words. It had been easy to ignore the fact that she hadn't meant them in the same way he had meant them. At fourteen, the giddiness came from the fun of playing make-belief.

But now, seeing the way Andrew was looking at her, like he would shatter if she told him otherwise, Lily wished she had never said them at all.

[][]

"I am still Prefect for Ravenclaw, so there's that, but I really think I should have made Head Girl. My grades are better than Archer's. Yours are also better than Hugo's. I know you two are friends but McGonagall's shameless favoritism towards Gryffindors is sickening."

Xander nodded absently. He had Caroline in his arms, his chin resting on the top of her head, but his eyes were on the spot where Lily and Andrew had gone off to talk. They came in and out of his range of vision but from the little he could see, Andrew was crying. The poor bloke was so head over heels in love with Lily, and Lily could be so careless with hearts that were not her own. Still, Andrew Rogers could also be a jealous asshole, and Xander couldn't help but worry for her.

A little further down the Ravenclaw table, Baird Kimble and the rest of that group of friends kept looking towards the staff table, as if concerned over the possible trouble their quidditch captain might get himself into. Xander almost wished one of their teachers, Professor Longbottom preferably, looked this way long enough to realize that the two of them had snuck away. Lily wasn't even easy to miss, for Merlin's sake.

Caroline twisted herself around to see what he had caught his attention and scowled. "She's been ignoring him all summer long. It was all anyone could talk about. Did she tell you anything about it?"

"We don't really talk," Xander replied gruffly. Caroline already knew this, of course, but she liked to hear him say it, almost as if she needed to be reminded that not everyone was obsessed with Lily Luna Potter.

"Right, of course," said Caroline, her eyes wide. "I don't blame you. I swear I can feel my brain cells dying just by listening to her…" From the distance, he could see Lily make a move to come back inside, and Andrew blocked her way, his arms moving around with exaggerated animation. "Xander?"

Xander blinked, something heavy in his chest. He had no idea what question Caroline had just asked but it was clear by the look in her face that there had been one. He pulled her in towards him, kissed her lips. "Come find me in my room later, okay?"

And then he had slipped out of her grasp before she had time to say much else.

The closer he came, the louder Roger's voice became. It was hard to tell whether he was begging her to stay or accusing her of something. It was Lily's face, however, that stopped Xander on his tracks. She looked heartbroken. Lily, with all of her carelessness, and pretty shoes, and fiery temper, looked like her heart was breaking.

"I'm sorry," she was saying. She wasn't crying, but this was the closest to that Xander had seen her to that in a long time. "I'm so sorry, Andrew. I just think it's the best thing for the both of us-"

"Don't start with that 'both of us' bullshit," Andrew snapped angrily. She had laid a gentle hand on his arm, and he had jerked it off. "Don't act like you've ever cared about anyone else other than yourself, Lily. Everything people say about you is true, you know. You are just a cold, manipulative-"

"The feast just finished."

Lily and Rogers turned towards him startled, as if the both of them had forgotten there was a world outside of them two. Roger's face was red and puffy. Lily's lower lip trembled. Xander jerked his head behind him. "They'll be coming now."

Roger wiped tears with the sleeve of his cloak and hurried on in the direction of the Ravenclaw tower without saying another word. Lily didn't move. She seemed stunned into place. Xander came closer. It was strange how Lily could feel like a complete stranger one moment, and then next be again that same little girl of his childhood. He cleared his voice, unsure of what the right thing to say would be. "You okay?"

Lily's eyes met his. Her nose quivered but there was something strong in her gaze. "I am just fine."

He hesitated. They weren't friends and showing an ounce of concern for her well-being was a slippery slope. But his whole heart ached the ache in hers. "That sounded rough," Xander admitted finally.

Lily flipped her hair back. Red shimmered everywhere. "There are worse ways to start a school year. Just ask the kids of '93."

He opened his mouth to respond but the echoing sounds of students coming their way was already well underway, and Lily had already turned to leave.