Chapter 7: Of Chemical Reactions
"It would be like you, to think of love as an easy thing."
Song Inspo Break My Heart by Dua Lipa
Professor Aldrich Reagan, their Potions master, had never made any attempts at hiding the fact that Xander Vandenberg was his favorite student - or that he was hardest of all on him.
He was an old man, hunchbacked, and with white, bushy eyebrows, blood-flecked eyes, and a chronic cough that did nothing to interrupt the sharpness of his tone. He was also one of the few people that actually managed to intimidate Xander, and his stomach had gone into tiny knots the moment he had received a note requesting a visit to his office prior to his departure from the castle.
Reagan had not bothered looking up as Xander gave a subtle knock on the open door. "You have detention next Saturday - which means, you are allowing yourself to become distracted." Despite the monotonous tone, disappointment carried through. "You are also leaving the castle this morning, though the wedding isn't until tomorrow evening."
Xander shifted. "Harry thought it best this way - Lily has a bridesmaid fitting this afternoon."
"Ah," said Reagan, his beady eyes carrying irony as they landed on Xander, "you are her modiste, then? Quite the muli-talent you are proving to be, my dear boy." Xander fought the urge to apologize, knowing Reagan wouldn't appreciate the hint of weakness. "You have done well enough in your school work, Xander, but well enough stops being good enough when you start to view it as well enough. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?"
"I believe so, Professor."
"Magna aut nihil," said Reagan, like a priest at high mass. "Do you know what that means?"
Xander nodded, mentally blowing over the thin layer of dust that had formed over his latin. "Be great or be nothing."
"Don't be nothing," said Reagan. "You weren't created for it."
Everything about those two lines unnerved Xander, but he was left with little time to ponder over them; Reagan was now looking past his shoulder and saying, "Miss Potter, Mr. Weasley, can I help you?"
Xander turned around, startled to find Lily and Hugo, both out of uniform, standing in the doorway. Hugo was wearing an oversized yellow jumper that fell down mid-thighs. He replied from the doorway, "We are sorry to interrupt, Professor, but our portkey is ready for us."
On Lily's neck hung a heart-shaped diamond.
He wants to give me my birthday gift tonight.
Edward Ballard had found his way to her this morning after all then.
"Mr. Vandenberg," said Professor Reagan, tearing his attention away from Lily. "No more distractions."
()()
I look like a bloody pine tree, Lily thought, staring at herself miserably in the full-length mirror at Ivory and Lace, a well-known high-end muggle bridal boutique in London.
Despite the name of the place, Lily was not wearing an ivory lace dress, but rather a shapeless burst of green tulle. To her right and left, there were half a dozen identical mirrors, most with a Weasley girl standing in front of it. Lily searched for a face that mirrored her disappointment in the bridesmaid dress, but all the girls 'Oohed' and 'Aaahed.'
"I will die before I'm seen in this," said a muffled voice from behind one of the dressing room's curtain doors.
Victoire was sitting on a white upholstered chair behind them, a glass of champagne in one hand and a bridal magazine on the other. Not only was she impossibly beautiful, she was also the coolest person Lily had ever personally met, and she only grew more so with age. This summer, for example, Victoire had managed to get herself hired as the marketing manager for Peter Burgg, who was only the most famous wizarding fashion designer in the entire continent.
"Come on out, Luce," she was saying now, her voice sounding sing-song. "I bet you look cute as a button. Please let this nice lady pin you already." When nothing stirred, Victoria set her magazine down, and gave out an impatient hiss, "Lucy Weasley, I will drag you out. Don't think I won't."
"She's been impossible, more so than usual." Molly was standing perfectly still as a woman worked on pinning the bottom of her dress. "She'll never make Prefect, not with that attitude."
"Oh shit!" Roxanne looked down at her watch horrified. "It's already three! Healer Kramer is going to bloody hex me…" She slipped off her dress, right there, in front of everyone, and started changing back into healer scrubs before kissing Victoire's cheek. "I'll have to miss lunch, but I'll see you tonight."
"I thought you had taken…" Victoire started but Roxanne was already gone, the low ringing of the door bell ringing elegantly behind her, "... the day off?"
"She's addicted to work, that one is." Dominique had emerged from a dressing room in jeans and a fitted t-shirt and flopped herself on the empty seat besides Victoire.
"Scorp said they've been swamped at St. Mungo's," Rosie offered modestly. She had the same wild, bright red hair as her brother, but on her it looked like the mane of some ethereal creature. "There's a stomach curse going around, sending people into a subconscious thread of nightmares."
Victoire had been staring aimlessly out the store front window, her champagne flute still full, but now she blinked, her index fingers pushing on the knitting of her eyebrows, and Dominique reached to rub her arm affectionately. "Don't worry, Vic. He'll be back on time. It's Teddy."
"What's wrong with Teddy?" said Lily, spinning around so quickly, the skirt of her dress went flying everywhere.
Victoire waved Dominique's comment off. "Nothing. Uncle Harry sent him on an assignment, and I haven't heard from him in days. He never writes much when he's hiding under metamorphmagus though. There's nothing strange about it. I just miss him, that's all." Her eyes lit up, catching sight of something past Lily's shoulder. "Oh Lucy! You look like a little doll. Twirl for us, yes?"
"Oh fuck off," said Lucy, crossing her arms.
The four cousins, all of whom had used that very same word plenty of times themselves despite the difference in their temperaments, went, "Lucy, language!"
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Xander and Hugo couldn't have looked more out of place than they did that night at one of London's newest it-club. Neither of the boys had wanted to come but Teddy and Victoire were having one last pre-wedding outing, and James had guilted them into coming along, though he had not been able to keep them from sulking in a corner, drinking flat soda, and scowling while everything around them pulsed and glowed and danced.
Xander had thought far ahead to size down the book he'd been currently reading and stick into his pocket before he left the Manor. Usually, he had no trouble losing himself in a book, no matter the distractions around, but tonight he was having trouble concentrating on anything other than Lily.
Some tall bloke with wild curls and lousy arm tattoos had taken her out into the dance floor and hadn't let go - literally - of her all night. It didn't help that Lily was just as wrapped around him as he was around her, her arm hanging around his neck, her body pressing against his hips as they swayed to the beat of the music.
Hugo slouched down the lounge sofa they were sharing, bending and unbending the tip of his straw distractedly. "I'm thinking of sending an early decision application to the Auror's Department," he said. "Ashvir Chatlani went about it that way, and he was able to start training during the spring while he was still at Hogwarts."
Xander turned, startled by Hugo's new revelation. "Woah, back up… You want to be an Auror? Since when?"
Hugo lifted his glass slightly and took particular care to smudge away the watermark left on the wooden table. "Since always," he admitted, "but my dad wants me to go on to Uni, like Rosie."
Hugo was still wearing the same yellow jumper he had been wearing that morning, and Xander could not help but think that he was the only authentic thing about this entire place. "Hugo, mate, you'd be brilliant there, you're excellent in Defense, and now that you're seventeen, your dad can't really go on telling what to do, can he?"
Hugo took a deep breath. "Only he can because he's Senior Auror. He's bound to toss my application out the window before it even goes through the first round of stamp approvals."
Xander thought about this for a moment longer. He was having trouble coming up with anything though. It'd be much easier to reach a solution if the music could stop, just for one second…
"Stop it," Hugo hissed; Xander blinked, startled to realize he had, indeed, just lowered the music, much to the confusion of everyone around them.
Everyone on the dance floor had stopped and moved apart, confused by the sudden glitch in the sound system, and though Xander hadn't meant to do it all, he couldn't help but feel more than just a little satisfied to see that Lily had also pulled herself away from that bloke.
Hugo kicked him under the table. "Fix it, you prat." When Xander still did not, taken over by a wild determination to keep that curly haired idiot away from Lily, Hugo backed off, an unaffected look on his face. "Well if you want her out of the dance floor and going off to wherever he's planning to take her next…"
The music quickly came back on.
Hugo chuckled, "You're a fucking terrorist, Vandenberg."
"Look," said Xander, bringing his attention back to the original issue. "Teddy's in charge of recruitment now. He might be able to figure out a way to get your application far enough that Ron is forced to take it seriously."
It took a moment for Hugo to register this and then his face broke into a grin. He looked towards the bar where Teddy sat next to Victoire, both looking uncharacteristically distant to each other in the crowd of friends that surrounded them. "I'm going to talk to him!"
"Now?" said Xander, but Hugo was already gone, his yellow jumper and red bushy hair disappearing in the thick mass of people before reappearing on the other end with Victoire and Teddy.
Tonight, there was a Weasley in just about every corner of the place. It wasn't that odd of an occurrence. The Weasleys traveled in packs, like wolves, though they each had their own unique way of enjoying the hunt. Louis was flirting with the dark bartender behind the bar, making a game of getting free drinks. James had settled himself into a private section of the place with Fred, Roxie, and a couple of his teammates and friends. Dominique and her boyfriend, Arlo, were arguing about something, their gestures animated as they moved towards the exit. Albus and Rosie were sitting at a table with a group of friends. Albus had brought his new girlfriend, and Rosie had, of course, brought Scorpius, but neither of them would show too much affection, not here, where anyone could snap a picture and send it to the tabloids.
Lily, on the other hand, didn't seem to give a damn about getting caught in a compromising position. She was still on the dancefloor, and that idiot's hands were low on her hips.
Xander forced himself to look away, and then took out his book, setting upon himself the very reasonable goal of going an entire twenty minutes without looking in her direction.
It was a dull reading on the history of a coastal town called Galaforth, but Galaforth had been attacked last weekend, and Xander wanted to learn about it as much as he possibly could. Without the Daily Prophet reporting on it, Xander had had no way of knowing it had even happened, but now, after a mid-afternoon full of catching up with Albus and Scorpius, he realized that it had been a violent attack, much like the one at Connerton that summer. Hooded figures had gone into muggle and wizarding properties alike, turning them upside down, and murdering anyone who stood in their way.
"I would like to say this is the lamest thing I've ever seen you do but I'm afraid that would be a lie..."
He hadn't noticed Lily breaking away from the guy she'd been dancing with but somehow Xander wasn't at all surprised to find her hovering over him. He was successful in pretending to continue on reading, but not in being able to keep himself from asking, "Where did you leave your friend?"
Lily slipped unsteadily into the seat Hugo had left empty. This morning, she had refused to speak to him at all, but now there was a giggle in her throat, which could only mean she'd been drinking even more than he'd first realized. "He went to get us another drink."
"I bet he did," said Xander sourly. "You should be careful."
"You must really like her," said Lily, taking a sip of his drink. "Is this soda? Do you not drink?"
"This might be above your level of comprehension, but a soda is a drink."
"Not the kind that manages to stop you being an arsehole, it's not."
He could feel her staring at him, annoyed by his rudeness, and all the same still curious to hear his answer, so he gave it to her; "I do drink. Sometimes. Not as much as I used to drink last year, before Albus graduated. He was a terrible influence. Definitely not as much as I used to drink two years ago, before James graduated. He was an even worse influence."
Lily placed an elbow on the table, her chin sitting on her turned up palm. "They're both here."
"Distracted though." James and Albus had both shown up with girls. It was the reason they weren't pressuring Xander to loosen up. It was also the reason they weren't keeping enough of a close eye on their little sister.
"So then, you really fancy her?"
He rarely could follow up with her line of questions as it was, but it was far worse when she was drunk. "Fancy who?"
"Suffles," said Lily, with a sense of obviousness. "Otherwise you would've already made your way over to that blonde over there. She's been trying to catch your attention for the past hour. Successfully. I've seen you looking at her too."
Even then, Xander didn't bother looking away from his book. He had, indeed, spotted the blonde ages ago. She'd been sending him inviting smiles, but her face was flustered from drinking and every time she took a misstep, she and her friends burst into laughter, as if there was nothing funnier in the world.
"Not my type," said Xander dryly.
"You shouldn't judge a book by its cover," said Lily, before snatching the book right out of his hands and placing it behind her back before he had a chance to grab it again. "Unless it's this book. Merlin, Xander," Lily burst into a laugh as she brought the book back around and read the title, "'Galafarth, A Small Town with A Big Heart?' Are you seventeen or seventy?"
He was left with no choice but to look at her and already there was too much of her. She was close enough that he could tell the freckles on her shoulders had been erased by make-up, that her red eyelashes had been turned dark black, but even like this, smelling more like firewhiskey than lavender, she was still so quintessentially Lily, with that playfulness about her and those millions of thoughts flying across her eyes like a shower of shooting stars…
It was happening again.
The slipping.
He was thirteen again.
Reminding himself that her James and Albus were right there.
Reminding himself that Harry had welcomed him into his home, to his family, that it would be ungrateful to wonder about the texture of his daughter's lips, insulting to obsess over the delicacy of her collarbones.
Lily, on her end, went on completely unaffected by him. "I know blondey might not look like one of your regular picks," she said, flipping through the pages of his book, not reading a single word inside, "but you might do well to venture out of your comfort zone."
Xander frowned, his mind still mush from her. "My regular picks?"
"Dark hair." Lily stuck out her thumb. "Bookish." She stuck out the following finger. "Effortless pretty." Up went a third finger. "Highly vocal in her interest of you, obviously." He arched an eyebrow at this bit; it was true - he liked flattery. "Looks like a lingerie model, not high couture."
He bobbed his head back. "What does that even mean?" Lily's hands went in front of her chest as if she were holding gigantic melons. Xander laughed despite himself. God, he hated it when she was funny. "You're bonkers."
"Not wrong though, am I?" Her lips went over his straw again. "What's in Galaforth?"
"Grindelwald spent some time there," said Xander, which had been the only connection he had made to Connerton.
"Him again?" said Lily, reminding him of their conversation that summer. "What does that matter?"
"I'm not sure yet." The club night lights danced over them, drenching Lily and her tight sequined dress in multitude of blues and greens and purples. The diamond necklace looked much too heavy on her frame. "Ballard has an eye for pretty things, I'll give him that."
Lily looked down at it. "It is pretty, isn't it? It was a birthday gift. It's tomorrow, you know. My birthday, I mean."
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "I know your birthday, Lily."
"You've gotten me a gift yet?"
He gave her an offended look. "Is my presence alone not a sufficient one?"
"I won't answer that, for your sake."
The curly haired boy had returned to the dancefloor, circling the place where he'd left her last. Lily had seen him too, and Xander braced himself for the quickness with which she would return to him, but Lily slumped slightly behind Xander's arm, a look of dread on her face.
"Let me guess - Not your type?"
"He plays with James," said Lily, though whether this was supposed to be a point in his favor or against, Xander wasn't sure. "He's good too." Point for. "He just talks about it so bloody much." Point against. "He makes an exciting sight. I've never met anyone with so many tattoos." Point for. She sighed dramatically. "I might've fallen in love with him if the music was just a little louder and the drinks had been much stronger."
Xander looked at her amusedly. "Is that all a bloke needs to have you fall in love? Loud music and strong alcohol?"
Lily looked up at him, a glint in her eyes. "Such an easy thing, isn't it?"
He hadn't had a single alcoholic drink but he suddenly felt quite drunk, and though it was illogical to do so, he blamed it entirely on the firewhiskey on her breath. "It would be like you, to think of love as an easy thing."
He had meant to say it teasingly, nonchalantly, but his voice sounded low and scratchy, even to him, and Lily's smile flickered somewhat. Then she scoffed, "What do you know about love?"
"It doesn't exist." Lily gaped at him, and Xander shrugged, "I'm not being cynical, so don't look at me that way. There is a chemical reaction in our brain associated with the hormone oxytocin. Snogging and sex release oxytocin so people believe themselves in love when in reality they could manage the same effects from eating large amounts of chocolate. I rather shag than eat chocolate, of course." He gave her a smirk that earned an eye roll. "But that doesn't mean I allow myself to be confused by the pleasures of it."
Lily was taking everything he had just said and condensing it into one simple statement: "You don't believe in love?"
Xander didn't want to believe in love. It made sense that a primal part of him was attracted to the shape of Lily's body, to the way of her smile. That was science. That was lust. That could pass. And, sure, he'd already spent years waiting for that wonderful moment when he could see her without wanting her, and it hadn't come, not yet, but if he gave up on the idea that it would happen eventually, if he started to believe in shitholes like love, what hope could he have left to hold on to?
"Nope."
"Well I hate to admit this," said Lily, straightening up, "but you've managed to impress me."
Xander frowned, trying to figure out if she was being sarcastic but Lily shook her head at him. "No, really, I mean it. You grew up with Harry and Ginny Potter - and came out unscratched. One day you'll tour the nation, giving motivational talks about surviving the clutches of romance despite witnessing first hand the greatest love between two people."
He knew now that she was teasing him and even though he didn't want her to make him laugh again, he couldn't help but do just that. "What about you then?"
"What about me?"
She had turned down to look though, so he knew she knew what he was asking.
"Do you believe in love?"
Lily looked up to meet his eyes.
Breath, he told himself.
It's only a chemical reaction in your brain.
It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.
When she finally answered, it sounded more like a prayer in the dark; "I hope I do one day. I just hope I'm not seventeen. I hope I'm thirty, and I hope he doesn't make me blush."
Seventeen isn't as bad as seven.
Blushing isn't as bad as unraveling.
He nodded at her. "I hope that too, for your sake. I hope you get exactly the kind of love you wish to have."
Lily's face had grown serious, her eyes, thoughtful and on him. Xander wanted to tell her more. He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to cross that space, to kiss her cheek…
Then her cheek almost did go to his lips, and he nearly cried out in surprise.
Hugo had scooted in to share Lily's seat, his arm going around her waist to keep her from falling completley into Xander. "He said no."
"Who said what?" said Lily, turning back to her cousin, looking as bewildered as Xander felt.
"I asked Teddy if could take a look at an auror application without my dad knowing it, and he said absolutely not, that I better straighten things out with him, before I even think of applying for a spot, because nobody in that department is about to pull a fast one on Ron Weasley."
"That's not Teddy," said Lily.
Hugo agreed, "I was disappointed as well."
"I meant, that's literally not Teddy. Victoire told me she hadn't seen him in days this morning, and they've been extremely awkward with each other tonight. He was also weird with me when I went to say hello. Called me Lily Luna, like we were strangers. Someone on polyjuice would be my guess."
The boys exchanged dumbfounded looks. "But - why?"
Lily shrugged. Xander craned his neck to get a better look at Teddy. He could see it now, that his gaze was unfriendly, that his hand was awkwardly cupped on Victoire, that Victoire only leaned towards him when someone took out a phone to take a picture.
"I bet Harry's keeping his assignment hidden from the Ministry," said Xander, the thought escaping his lips as soon as it entered his mind.
"Well he's getting married tomorrow," said Lily with a shake of her head. "Whatever my dad sent him off to do, he better be back by then."
"Lily, look," said Hugo, pointing.
From a distance, a crowd of people came towards them. James and Albus were in the middle, carrying a massive pink cake with bright candles in the center. They were all singing happy birthday, terribly off tune and not at all in sync. Lily smiled brightly at them, and when James, who had squeezed in between Xander and his little sister, one arm around each of the two, cried out, "Come on, Lily-Lu, make a wish," she closed her eyes and blew all the candles out in one go.
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That night, Xander dreamt of a blizzard. Blurred images in insequential order. Rooftops with ice pellets. Snow that crashed and burned against skin. The feeling of magic trapped in his chest. A hand in his. A closet filled with cans of food and cereal boxes and bags of rice.
"Stay very still, my little one."
"Xander, wake up!"
Xander woke up with a gasp, a pounding in his temples. For a second, everything felt unfamiliar, wrong, just like it had felt that very first morning he had awoken at the Manor, but then his vision settled on Lily, the green of her eyes anchoring him between the world of nightmares and the world of now.
Lily's voice was soft and gentle when she called his name again, "Xander," and Xander found himself melting into the warmness of her voice. He wasn't sure if he'd let his head rest on her shoulder or if she'd pull him there, but when his forehead touched the softness of her body and her fingers raked gently through his hair, he held on to her waist tight, survival instincts kicking in and tossing logic out the window.
Don't leave, he wanted to cry out but he managed to not, and Lily still held him tight until it was Xander who pulled away.
"You're having nightmares again?" Lily had enough decency to hide away any evidence of pity from her face.
Xander ran a hand through his hair. His nightmares were like symptoms of a chronic disease. Sometimes they went so many months without him, he was able to believe himself cured, but then they would come back with such furry, he realized he would never truly be free from them.
Lily allowed his silence to be enough of an answer.
"Teddy's back," she said suddenly, like maybe she was trying to distract him from his own misery. It worked. Xander instantly sat up straighter. "He's downstairs with my dad and Uncle Ron. You want to eavesdrop with me?"
He did, but he shook his head. "Of course not. It'd be rude."
"Well stay polite in bed then," said Lily, untangling her legs and leaving his bed. "Only I heard them arguing about Galaforth when they first came in, and I thought maybe you were onto something after all."
Xander couldn't climb out of bed fast enough. He was already halfway out the door when he realized Lily had stayed behind. "What is it?"
She shifted awkwardly in place. The moonlight outside his window fell just so on her, highlighting the redness that was spreading from her neck to her cheeks. "Aren't you, erm, going to put a shirt on?"
Xander looked down at himself, only just remembering. "Accio shirt," he said, before pulling himself into the blue shirt that had shot at him from his bed. "Alright, let's go."
She shoved past him, looking heavily annoyed, and he followed her, not understanding, as it sometimes was the case, what he had done to upset her.