Jennie's POV
During my walk back to my room I realize how foolish I have been, expecting Lisa to be different than before. I should have known better. I should have known that this was too good to be true. Lisa kissing me in front of Jisoo, Lisa being nice and wanting "more." Lisa telling me about her childhood. I should have known that as soon as her friends came along she would go right back to the Lisa that up until two weeks ago I despised.
"Hey, girl! You coming tonight?" Wendy asks as I walk into our room. Bambam is sitting on her bed staring at her in the adoring way I wish Lisa would stare at me.
"No, I'm going to study," I say. It's nice to know that everyone was invited, yet Lisa didn't see fit to even mention the party to me. Probably so she could hang out with Nancy without any distractions.
"Oh come on! It will be fun. Lisa will be there." She smiles and I force one back to her.
"Really, it's okay. I need to call my mother and catch up with her and plan my assignments for next week."
"Laaaame!" Wendy teases and grabs her purse. "Suit yourself. I'll be out all night, so if you need anything let me know," she says and hugs me goodbye.
I call my mother and tell her about my internship, and of course she is beyond pleased by my amazing opportunity. I leave Lisa out of the explanation, but I do mention Marco, though I say she is Jisoo's soon-to-be stepfather, which is true. She asks about Kai and me, but I dodge her questions. I'm surprised and grateful to find that Kai hasn't told my mother everything. He doesn't owe me anything, but I'm thankful for his omission. After listening to her talk for far too long about her new coworker, who she believes is having an affair with her boss, I finally tell her I really need to study and I get off the phone. Immediately, my mind goes back to Lisa, as always. My life was much more simple before I met Lisa, and now after . . . it is complicated and stressful, and I am either extremely happy or there is this burning in my chest when I think of her with Nancy.
I will go insane if I just sit here, and it's only six o'clock by the time I give up trying to study. Maybe I should go for a walk? I really need some more friends. I grab my phone and call Jisoo.
"Hey, Jennie!" Her voice is friendly and soothes some of my anxiety. "Hey, Jisoo, are you busy?" I ask her.
"No, just watching the game. Why, is something wrong?"
"No, I was just wondering if maybe I could come over and hang out . . . or maybe if your mom doesn't mind I could take her up on those baking lessons." I let out a weak laugh.
"Yeah, of course. She would love that—I'll let her know you're coming." "Okay, the next bus isn't for thirty minutes, but I will be there as soon as I can," I tell her.
"Bus? Oh yeah, I forgot you haven't found a car. I will come get you." "No, really, it's okay. I don't mind, I don't want you to go out of your way."
"Jennie, it's less than ten miles. I'll leave now," she says and I finally agree. I grab my purse and check my phone one last time. Of course Lisa hasn't texted or called me. I hate the way I feel dependent on her, especially when I obviously can't depend on her.
Determined to be independent, I turn my phone off. If I leave it on, I will go crazy checking it every few minutes. Figuring that I really should just leave it here, I put it in the top drawer of my dresser before I go out to wait for Jisoo to pick me up.
Minutes later she pulls up and honks lightly. I jump off the curb in surprise and we both laugh as I climb into the car.
"My mother is going insane in the kitchen right now, so be prepared for a very detailed baking lesson," she says.
"Really? I love the details!"
"I know you do—we're alike that way," she says and turns on the radio.
I hear the familiar sound of one of my favorite songs. "Can I turn this up?" I ask and she nods.
"You like the Fray?" she asks in a surprised tone.
"Yes! They're my favorite band—I love them. Do you like them?"
"Yes! Who doesn't?" She laughs. I almost tell her Lisa doesn't, but then decide against it.
When we arrive at the house, Marco greets us at the door with a friendly smile. I hope he wasn't expecting Lisa to be with me, but seeing no disappointment on his face, I smile back.
"Karen is in the kitchen; enter at your own risk," he says mischievously. He wasn't joking. Karen has the entire large island covered in pans, mixing bowls, and a lot of other things I don't recognize.
"Jennie! I'm just getting everything ready!" She's beaming as she makes a hand gesture to highlight all the strange equipment.
"Is there anything I can help you with?"
"No, not at the moment. I am almost finished There, I'm done."
"I hope it wasn't too late notice for me to come by," I say.
"Oh no, dear, you are always welcome here," she assures me and I can tell she means it.
She hands me an apron to wear and I tie my hair up into a bun. Jisoo sits on the bench and talks to us for a few minutes while Karen shows me all the ingredients used to make cupcakes from scratch. I pour them into the mixer and turn it on low speed.
"I already feel like a professional baker." I laugh and Jisoo leans across, wiping her hand across my cheek.
"Sorry, you have some flour on your face." Her cheeks flush and I smile.
I start pouring my cupcake batter into the baking pan. When we put them in the oven and start talking about school and home, Jisoo leaves the "girl talk" and goes to the other room to finish watching a football game she's recorded.
We get lost in conversation while our creations bake and cool, and when she says it's time to ice the cupcakes, I look at them and am really pleased with the way mine turned out. Karen shows me how to use the piping bag to make an J on the top of one of them, and I set it aside for Jisoo. Karen expertly pipes flowers and green blades of grass onto her cupcakes while I do the best I can with mine.
"I think it's cookies next time." She smiles and places the cupcakes in a serving case.
"Sounds good to me," I tell her and take a bite of one of my cupcakes.
As Karen adjusts the case of sweets, she asks, "And where's Lisa tonight?"
I chew my cake slowly, trying to discern a motive behind her asking. "She's at her house," I answer simply. She frowns slightly but doesn't push it.
Jisoo wanders back into the kitchen and Karen leaves the room to take a few cupcakes to Marco.
"Is this cupcake for me?" Jisoo asks and holds up the cupcake with the squiggly J written in icing.
"Yeah, I have to work on my piping skills."
She takes a big bite. "The important part is it tastes good," she says with a full mouth. I giggle and she wipes her mouth.
I eat another cupcake and Jisoo talks about the game, which I don't really care about, but she's nice, so I pretend to listen. My mind travels to Lisa again and I stare out the window.
"Are you okay?" Jisoo pulls me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I was paying attention . . . at first." I smile apologetically.
"It's all right. Is it Lisa?"
"Yeah . . . how'd you know?" I ask. "Where is she?"
"The frat house. There's some party tonight . . ." I start, and then decide to confide in her. "And she didn't tell me about it. She had her friends meet her and she just said, 'See you around, Jennie.' I feel like an idiot even repeating this, I know how stupid I sound, but it's driving me crazy. That girl Nancy, she used to mess around with her all the time and she's with her now, and she didn't tell them we are . . . whatever we are." I let out a heavy sigh.
"Aren't you two supposed to be dating?" Jisoo asks. "Yeah . . . well, I thought so but I don't know now." "Why don't you try to talk to her? Or go to the party?" I just look at her. "I can't just go to the party."
"Why not? You've been to their parties before, and you and Lisa are sort of dating, or whatever this is, and your roommate will be there. I would go if I was you."
"Really? Wendy did invite me . . . I don't know."
I want to go just to see if Lisa is with Nancy but I feel stupid just showing up there.
"I think you should."
"Will you come with me?" I ask.
"Oh no, no. Sorry, Jennie. We are friends but no-ho-ho."
I knew she wouldn't but it was worth asking. "I think I will go. At least to talk to her."
"Good. Just wipe the flour off your face first."
She laughs and I gently push her arm. I stay a little while longer to hang out with Jisoo; I don't want her to think I was just using her for a roundabout ride to the party, even though I know she doesn't think that.
"GOOD LUCK; CALL ME if you need me," she says as I get out of the car in front of the frat house. After she drives away I think of the irony of my leaving my phone in my room to avoid worrying about Lisa, and yet here I am showing up at her house.
A group of scantily clad girls are standing in the yard, causing me to look down at my outfit: jeans and a cardigan. I barely have any makeup on and my hair is in a bun on top of my head. What the hell was I thinking coming here?
I swallow my anxiety and walk inside. I don't see any familiar faces except Ten, who's doing a body shot off a girl wearing only a bra and panties. I walk through the kitchen and someone hands me a red cup full of alcohol, which I put to my lips. If I am going to confront Lisa, I need alcohol. I push my way through the crowded living room to the couch that their group usually hangs out on. Between bodies and over shoulders, Nancy's pink hair comes into view . . .
And I feel sick as I notice she isn't sitting on the couch, but on Lisa's lap. Her hand is on her thigh and she leans back against her, laughing among her friends like this is the most normal thing in the world.
How did I get myself in this situation with Lisa? I should have stayed away from her. I knew it then and I am slapped in the face with it now. I should just leave. I don't belong here, and I don't want to cry in front of these people again. I am sick of crying over Lisa, and I am done trying to make her something she isn't. Every time I think I feel as low as I can, she does something else that makes me realize I previously had no idea of the real pain that unrequited feelings can cause. I watch as Nancy puts her hand over Lisa's; she moves her away, only to put it on her hip, giving her a playful squeeze and she giggles. I try to force myself to move, to back up, to run, to crawl, to do anything to get me out of here, but my eyes are locked on the girl I was falling for while her eyes are locked on her.
"Jennie!" someone calls. Lisa's head snaps up and her green eyes meet mine. They are wide with shock, and Nancy looks my way, then leans farther onto Lisa. Her lips part as if she is going to say something, but she doesn't.
Rosé appears at my side and I finally force my eyes from Lisa's. I try to muster a smile for her, but all of my energy is being used to prevent myself from bursting into tears.
"Do you want a drink?" Rosé asks and I look down. I was holding a cup of beer, wasn't I?
At my feet is my cup, the beer spilled across the carpet. I take a step away from it; I normally would clean it up and apologize, but right now I would rather just pretend it wasn't mine. It's so crowded in here, nobody will know.
I have two options: I can run out of here in tears and let Lisa know she got the best of me, or I can put on a brave face and act like I don't care about her and the way she is still holding Nancy on her lap.
I decide to go with option two.
"Yes, please. I'd love a drink," I say, my voice strained.