The four Koopa Kids dumped the burlap sack onto the dungeon floor. The sack grunted. What was in the sack, that is. Red Koopa Kid untied the knot at the top, and Blue Koopa Kid yanked the bottom corners, revealing their prize inside.
The scrawny blond human slid out, grunting as he hit the ground. He looked up and adjusted his glasses, grimacing.
The Koopa Kids all laughed.
"Well well well… J-Yoshi64. No escape for you this time!" Green Koopa Kid boasted.
Koopa Kid loomed over him. "Just sit tight and we'll be right back with Mr. Bowser!"
With that, the Koopa Kids turned and left, shutting and locking the cell behind them.
J pushed himself to his knees and stood up. "I gotta get out of here." He walked up to the bars, which were clearly intended for Peach, Mario, or a Toad. Much wider proportions than he had. He slipped right between them without issue. "They didn't think that one through," he chuckled and made his way to a door.
Opening it, he peered down the hallway.
I have no idea where I'm going, he realized. He looked back at the cell he just escaped. But anywhere is better than sitting around in here. The fewer angry Koopas in my life, the better.
He gently shut the door behind him and made his way down the hallway of Castle Koopa. As he ran, his eyes darted around for any power-ups or anything he could use to defend himself.
It'd be nice if I had my water bottle, he thought, thinking of the stainless steel container. I could whack guards that find me and drink if I get thirsty. Or douse a fireball. I hope I don't run into any Fire Bros or Podoboos. Hey, I've been running in the same direction for a while now, I should stop.
And stop he did, right before an intersection. He sidled against a wall and peered around the corner, looking both ways.
Hmm… Turaga Matau says never go left. So right it is!
With his choice made, J continued his daring escape.
*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*
The Koopa Kids led Bowser, Ludwig, Lemmy, and Roy to the dungeon, enthusiastically retelling their capture of the bounty.
"The hard part was luring him to Forever Forest. The guy hates horror and also hates Fuzzies."
"But he's too curious for his own good, so we tried making weird animal noises that don't belong there. I can't believe it worked!"
The Koopalings chuckled at their energy, Lemmy full-on laughing.
"Regardless of how difficult it was or how hard it is for you to believe, you accomplished it," Ludwig commended. "So let us discuss your reward."
All four Koopa Kids protested.
"No way!" Koopa Kid said. "Helping Mr. Bowser is reward enough!" His three RGB counterparts voiced their agreement.
Lemmy shook his head. "Sorry, it's non-negotiable. It's not called a bounty for nothing."
Roy shrugged. "I mean if ya don't want it, we could always give it ta Larry. Course then we'd have ta put his name as the one who nabbed the wimp."
The Koopa Kids protested louder to that.
"No way!" Blue K. Kid yelled. "We did all the work, no one else is getting credit!"
The royals laughed.
Red K. Kid crossed his arms and grumbled, "Fine, we'll take the stupid reward money."
Bowser patted his head. "That's the spirit. Now we're here, so open the doors and show us our prisoner."
"Yessir!" rang the chorus of Koopa Kid as they raced to the doors and swung them open.
Only to reveal an empty dungeon.
"He escaped!" Koopa Kid gasped.
"Did he pick the lock?" Green K. Kid tested the door of J's former cell, only to find it still locked tight. "Unless he relocked it after getting out. Where'd he go?!"
Ludwig facepalmed. "Did you really put him in that cell?"
They looked at him.
"What's wrong with it?" Blue K. Kid asked.
"Surely you noticed that he is narrower than the space between these bars." Ludwig gestured to the bars. "While they can keep Peach, Mario, or a Toad within, Mr. 64's proportions allow him greater accessibility. He and Mario may be similar heights, but J's head is the biggest part of his body and it's still smaller than even the plumber's nose."
The Koopa Kids panicked. "So we failed?!"
Bowser laughed, "You rascals got him in the castle, didn't you? Don't sell yourself short. Besides, it's not like he'll get very far without knowing where he's going."
Lemmy looked at his dad. "So are you gonna take the Koopa Kids to give them the reward while we give chase to J?"
Bowser turned and escorted the Koopa Kids out of the dungeon. "You boys have fun!"
Roy sighed, "Are we really doing this?"
Lemmy shrugged. "Why not? What's a hunt without the game?"
Ludwig cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "A game, you say? Well then." He retrieved his wand and waved it, causing the dark blue gem at the end to glow.
On the floor, small shoe prints appeared in a faint white glow, starting in the cell and leading out another door. The footprints faded as Ludwig got farther away from them.
Roy smirked to match. "Oh, that just ain't fair. Let's get him."
*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*
J continued his journey through the castle halls, still hopelessly lost.
It's not a linear path like in Paper Mario, he acknowledged. But why would it be? It's not just a video game level. This is an actual castle, where people live. Koopa people, but people.
He heard metallic footsteps coming from around a corner. Thinking quickly, he hid behind one of the many Bowser statues that lined the halls. Thank goodness Bowser is a narcissist. He peaked out and watched as a Koopatrol and a Buzzy Beetle walked by. He had to stifle a gasp at the latter. Aaaaah Buzzy Beetle! So cute!
"So did you hear Lord Bowser finally caught that J-Yoshi64?" the Buzzy asked the Koopatrol.
"Wait really?" the Koopatrol asked. "The fanfiction guy?"
The Beetle nodded. "Yeah, apparently those Koopa Kid scamps did the deed. Now those guys are the real Bowser fanboys."
The Koopatrol shook his head. "If you ask me, that story isn't really bad enough to warrant that price on the guy's head. Especially compared to certain… other fanworks."
The Buzzy Beetle gagged. "Don't even start with that. And it's not like anyone would want to get near that kind of person anyway."
The Koopatrol gagged back. "Yeah, you're right about that. No thank you! The 64 guy is probably just an easy target. Sure helps that he has access to this world."
Their voices echoed as the pair rounded another corner.
Easy target, huh? J thought with a huff. I mean they're probably right, but now I wanna prove them wrong. Or at least prove I'm not that easy of a target.
A tap on his shoulder nearly made him jump out of his skin. Hand over his now pounding heart, he turned to look behind him at whoever startled him.
And he let out a very undignified, very unmanly yelp. Fortunately, J never once ever pretended he was manly in the first place.
Unfortunately, he was face to face with Roy, who grabbed him roughly. "Lookee what I caught! An idiot!" He bragged to his brothers.
"NO!" J yelled, trying and obviously failing to pull away from the large, strong and mighty Koopaling.
"Yes!" Lemmy said in cheerful defiance, grinning ear to ear.
Ludwig approached from the other side of the statue. "You didn't really think you could get enough away that we couldn't stop you, did you?" He pointed at the floor with his wand.
J followed his gaze and saw his shoeprints glowing. "Oh…"
"Now, Roy," Ludwig looked at his brother. "Hold him so his head is sticking out to the side. I do not wish to blast you with this spell."
"Uh-oh," Roy murmured. "You got it, Lud." Holding J easily in one hand, he stuck his arm out to one side, as if the human was a wand himself.
"Ah! Wait!" J sputtered. "Can we make a contract or something?"
Ludwig's nostrils flared, wisps of smoke coming out. "Sorry, Mr. 64, but we're already dedicated to this plan." He pointed his wand straight at J's face. "Farewell."
The gem lit up, and everything went dark.
*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*
J grunted and pushed himself up. The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was a bright, red carpet. "What…?" he started.
Suddenly, a yellow foot stopped on the floor in front of his face.
"BOO!" boomed the deep, baritone voice of none other than Ludwig von Koopa.
J unwillingly rewarded Ludwig's efforts with an even higher, louder yelp than what escaped his lips earlier. Said yelp was met with unbridled laughter all around him.
"It's even funnier the second time!" Lemmy yelled.
Clutching the pewter nails making up the cross of his necklace, the closest thing to clutching his heart directly behind the accessory, J-Yoshi64 shakily pushed himself up slightly with his free hand and looked around the room.
All nine royal Koopas were present and cackling at his expense, as well as the Koopa Kids. Some laughed to the point of tears. Wendy in particular didn't even try to hide her running mascara. Kamek and Kammy Koopa were also present, but only wore slight smiles at the display.
Once J's heart and lungs slowed down, he pushed himself up to a sitting position. After another minute of slower and slower heavy breaths in the midst of the slowly dying laughter of his captors, J only had one thing to say.
"WHAT?!" he yelled.
Ludwig handed a rolled-up parchment over. "We were always planning on making a contract with you. But we still wanted payback for what you wrote about us." He smirked. "Consider us even now."
J glared at him and yanked the scroll from the Koopa. "You all suck. You know that? What did you even hit me with?" he asked Ludwig.
Ludwig shrugged. "A light sleep spell. Made you easier to carry to the throne room."
"Not that carrying him when he's awake isn't easy on its own," Roy commented. "He's so scrawny that I can hold him in one hand, and his arms will still be pinned."
"Yeah, yeah," J grumbled. He opened the scroll. "So what's this contract?"
"It's so simple, even a blithering idiot like you can get it," Bowser explained, looming over him, arms crossed. "You don't permanently kill any of us off, we don't permanently kill you off."
J's eyes widened as he read the page and heard Bowser's words. He looked up. "You do know it's just a story, right? Like, if I wrote that you died, you yourself would still be alive."
"Yeah, and I don't care. Don't kill my kids."
"That'd make such a good character study, though," J sighed under his breath.
"NO!" Bowser, Ludwig, and Roy roared, knocking J on his back, feet in the air.
J sat back up. "Fine, I'll sign the stupid contract."
And so he signed his username in cursive. Bowser, Ludwig, and Roy also signed.
"It was never a deathfic anyway," J complained. "This is completely unnecessary."
"We do not like it, and we do not like you," Ludwig retorted. "It is completely necessary. Especially to prevent future stories from you as well."
"Hey, I like him!" Lemmy protested.
His family rolled their eyes.
"That doesn't count," Bowser Jr. groaned. "You like everyone."
"Not everyone!"
Roy snorted. "Yeah, right. Name five people you don't like."
Lemmy locked eyes with Roy. Well, the best he could lock them. "Fawful, Cackletta…" he counted on his fingers before trailing off. "Umm…" he looked around. "You know, I think just 3 is gonna be tough."
Even J laughed at that. "Classic Lemmy."
"Oh! Speaking of that!" Lemmy started, clapping. "I didn't really like how I started out all mopey in your story. I'm supposed to be the happy Koopaling!" He spread his arms out to emphasize the word happy. "But at least that part's over now, so that's good."
"There was always going to be a payoff," J admitted. "But there's still more payoff I need to write. So now that you've had your fun scaring me to death, can I go now?"
Before anyone could answer, a high-pitched battle cry was heard from the throne room doors. Everyone looked as they slowly opened about a foot or two and a Mini-Yoshi with glistening blue skin dashed in wielding a yellow flashlight.
"CHAAAAAAAAARRRRGE!" the little Yoshi yelled before tripping on nothing, falling flat on his face. "Ouch."
J's face lit up. "Siph!" He ran over to his boy and helped him up.
Siph gasped when he saw his dad. "J! You're okay!" He immediately went for the hug. "I found a Koopa Kid coin and knew that meant they got you and I thought you were gonna die and… and…" Siph couldn't continue and just cried in J's arms.
J stood up and carried Siph over to the Koopas. "Shhh, it's okay," he murmured. "I'm okay. They just wanted to give me a heart attack, that's all. Turns out they don't actually want to kill me."
"Save for a breach of contract." Ludwig waved the scroll.
J gave him a pointed look. "There is one new order of business I'd like to address." He stopped in front of Bowser.
Ludwig cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? And what might that be?"
J gently took Siph's flashlight and propped him against his left hip. Then he swung as hard as he could and struck Bowser in the nose with it.
Bowser reeled back from the sudden blow. He covered his snout and glared at J, who to everyone's surprise was glaring back without fear.
He pointed Siph's flashlight at the king. "That was for making my son cry.
Bowser's eyes narrowed. "Get out of my castle."
J turned on his heel and marched towards the double doors. "Finally!"
The Koopas watched him carry Siph out and close the doors behind him.
Lemmy put his hands on his hips. "Well, that was fun! Maybe next time we kidnap him we should let Siph know so J doesn't hit King Dad again."
Roy laughed, "Oh what I wouldn't give ta see him freak out again! We gotta do that again soon."
"I hear he's trying to get into spinoffs, so he'll be around more often," Bowser Jr. mentioned.
As the rest of the family conspired against J, Ludwig reviewed the contract.
Larry peaked over his shoulder. "So how do you think the story's gonna end?"
Ludwig considered for a moment, then whispered in the smaller Koopa's ear.
Larry's eyes widened, then looked over the contract. "Ludwig, you're an evil genius."
Ludwig smirked. "You doubted? But enough of that." He rolled up the scroll and waved his wand, teleporting it away. "I have some ideas of my own on how to make the dolt squeal."
*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*J*
Back in J's dimension, J and Siph enjoyed some well-earned ice cream sundaes after all that stress. But despite that, J couldn't wait to see his passion project through. Little did he know of the new tortures that awaited him when he next set foot in the Mushroom Universe. Those Koopas just love being mean.
Disclaimer: Just because I love torturing myself doesn't mean I hate myself.
When I first discovered fanfiction nine and a half years ago, there were a few TMNT oneshots where the turtles would go to the writers to tell them "stop killing us in your fics!" sometimes with weapons drawn. And I really really loved those. I'm also addicted to self-inserts. So naturally I've been wanting to have this bit done for as long as I've been writing I Promised. You have absolutely no idea how much I've been looking forward to writing this.
Consider it a breather episode and intermission before we approach this story's climax.
Your irregularly scheduled emotional trauma will return with the next chapter update.