Olivia walked through the metal gate she had walked through many times before. She took her time on the path she had memorized. It was the one she thought led to him. She didn't grow up with the same sense of religion he had, but since he believed in it she did too. She would come to his grave religiously in order to visit him. She came when she felt the need to be close to him. She never felt his presence, but she found comfort in the fact that his remains were six feet under where she was sitting. It was all she had to hold onto since she couldn't physically hold onto him.
"I guess it doesn't make sense for me to talk this out with you because you aren't down there." Olivia felt the tears begin to tickle her lashes. She took in a slow steady breath in order to calm herself. The new information presented to her wasn't a bad thing. It was good but a part of her couldn't believe it until she saw him. Until he spoke to her. Until he held her.
"I guess I just don't know how to feel. I mean of course I am happy. I need you and our daughter does too, but what if this is some sick cruel joke? What if you aren't really there? What if the lines got crossed somewhere and it's not you I get to see. It would feel like losing you all over again." Unable to hold her tears back Olivia allowed a couple of tears to slide down her cheek. She was sure they left a trail of mascara in their track. "But, I'm also pissed. I'm pissed because you went into witness protection and didn't bring me along. I have had to mourn you for 4 years instead of having the ability to be with you. You could have been there with me when I gave birth. Instead I did it alone," Olivia sighed. "I'm not mad at you though. I'm pissed at the situation, but not at you." Olivia sat down and leaned against the gravestone that had his name etched into it. She sat there and allowed her self to cry.
Once Olivia got home she dropped her coat and her bag onto the dining room table. She peeked into Ellie's room to see her fast asleep in her bed while Lucy was sitting in the rocking chair as she just finished reading her daughters favorite book. Olivia gave her an appreciative smile. She wasn't quite sure what she would do without Lucy. She was a godsend and Olivia made sure that she knew it.
"Thank you, Lucy." The young college student gave the brunette a soft smile.
"Hey, anything for you and Ellie." Olivia bit her lip and stepped out of the door way so Lucy could exit her daughters room. She followed her into the living room and fought with herself on what to say.
"Would you be able to watch Eleanore tomorrow? I know it's last minute. I have the day off, but there is something really important I need to do."
"Yeah, of course. I have a midterm in the morning, but anytime after ten I should be available." Olivia nodded.
"Okay, I will text you and let you know the time for sure. I won't know until the morning." Lucy nodded, but Liv could tell she was worried. "Everything is okay Lucy." She watched as the smile returned. It was wary, but it was there.
"Good," she paused, "Liv, if you need anything just let me know." Olivia nodded and opened the apartment door leading to the hallway.
"I will. Thanks again, Lucy." She shut the door behind the younger brunette before stepping into the bathroom connected to her bedroom in order to take a shower. She looked in the mirror and now understood why Lucy looked so concerned. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, her nose was a little red at the tip from wiping it so aggressively with her sleeve during the brunt of her break down, and her hair was completely disheveled. She wasn't the refined detective the babysitter knew.
"Mommy, you're home?" Olivia smiled at her blue eyed daughter and nodded. It was very rare that she had a day off during the week. Sadly, even the weekend. She so badly wanted to speak to her daughter. Talk to her about why she was home, but she knew she had to wait. Olivia had to make sure it was in fact Elliot. There was no way in hell she was going to raise her daughters hopes just to break them down.
"I am," Olivia stated enthusiastically. "I do have to head out for a little bit later, but Lucy is going to stay with you." Olivia watched as a smile spread across her daughters features.
Olivia stared at her daughter for a moment. She tried to picture how telling the tot her father was alive would play out. Then she tried to picture what it would be like for her to meet him for the first time. Olivia knew she would wiggle into his heart right away, but Eleanore was a little less forgiving. She was very independent and she knew how to hold a grudge. Olivia didn't want to waste any time on that thought though. She was going to learn how it would all play out soon. Well, as long as the man she was meeting today was actually her husband.
"I love you, mommy." Olivia gave her daughter a small smile. Eleanore was perceptive which made hiding things from her so much harder than a normal four year old. Everyone in the precinct chalked it up to the fact that both her and Elliot are cops. There was no way a kid created by the two of them wasn't going to be observant.
"I love you, too." Olivia took her little girl in her arms and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. Something she promised herself when she and Elliot decided to try for a baby was that she was never going to let that baby feel anything less than wanted, cared for, and loved. "How about we do something fun before I have to leave later?" Olivia watched as her eyes widened in excitement.
Olivia was a good mother. She always made time for her daughter between all of the hours she worked. Last night was the first night she missed tucking her in. She was glad Lucy had no problems getting her to fall asleep. A part of her felt guilty for missing their night routine, but she felt unstable and the need to collect her thoughts. The last thing she wanted to do was to say or do something wrong and then uproot her daughters life for no reason.
"So what do you want to do today?" Olivia finally asked.
"Ice cream and the park." Olivia nodded.
"Sounds like a good day. How about we eat some breakfast, we get dressed, and then we head down." Olivia didn't make anything fancy for breakfast. They each had a bowl of cereal. Ellie had fruity pebbles while Olivia had cheerio's. Olivia knew if she tried to cook her four year old would be impatient about it.
After she finished her breakfast she left Eleanore in the living room to watch Dora. She used it as a momentary distraction while she got dressed, applied a small amount of makeup, and then threw some wavy curls in her hair. Once she finished getting herself ready she stepped into her daughter's bedroom to pick out her outfit. It was warm outside so she settled on a pair of green shorts with a pink shirt that had a watermelon on it.
"Are you ready to get dressed and head down to the park?" Although her attention stayed glued to the screen she nodded.
"Swiper no Swipey. Swiper no Swipey," she stated as Dora and Boots encouraged her too. Her smile grew wide once he ran away. "Look mommy, I made him be good. Like you." Olivia smiled.
"You did so good. I am so proud of you." Olivia smiled at her daughter with pride. She really couldn't have asked for a better kid. Once she replaced her pajamas with her other set of clothes she put her socks and tennis shoes on her. "Alright, we are going to play at the park for about an hour, then we will get ice cream, and then we will head home so I can run my errand and Lucy can watch you."
Eleanore chased her new friend, Josie, up the stairs of the jungle gym. Both girls were laughing hysterically as they made their way to the slide. Once they reached the top Josie holted and then scanned the park for her parents. Once she spotted them she waved. "Mommy, daddy, watch me go down the slide." The red head looked over at her new friend and smiled. "Where is your mommy and daddy?"
"I just have a mommy. She right there," Eleanore stated as she pointed her mother out. Olivia gave her a small wave in which she returned. My daddy is in a place called Heaven." Josie furrowed her eye brows and looked at her new friend.
"Where is Heaven?" Eleanore shrugged.
"I don't know. Far away." Josie seemed to have accepted that answer because she sat down at the top of the slide and giggled freely as she slid down. Eleanore followed closely behind her. "Okay, it's your turn to chase me."
Olivia sat back and watched as her daughter ran away from and then chased her new friend. Olivia made a mental note to talk to her parents before she left the park in order to introduce herself. Maybe they could plan times to be there so Eleanore could spend more time with the freckled face girl. Olivia also made a mental note to ask Ellie what her name was so she didn't seem rude.
"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy," Olivia opened her arms wide as her daughter launched herself into her arms. Olivia laughed as she watched the four year old rub her eyes. She had quite an eventful time at the park.
"Where is your friend at?"
"She had to go home so I came to you." Olivia nodded. She pulled the pink hair tie out of her daughters curly locks so she could pull the loose hair sticking to her skin back into a pony tail like she had before.
"Are you ready to get some ice cream from the car and then head home?" Her daughter was taking deep breaths still exhausted from all the running she did in the hot New York air. Although Eleanore didn't answer her question she knew the toddler was ready. She had to hold in her giggle as she watched her begin to rub her eyes again. "Maybe we should skip the ice cream and just go home and take a nap. We can always come back and get it later."
"I'm not tired mommy, honest." Olivia couldn't help but laugh at her daughter as she used her little hands to open her eyes wider than what they needed to be. Moments like these are when she noticed the Elliot in her the most.
"Alright, well hold onto my hand. I don't want to lose you." Eleanore did as directed. Olivia had instilled in her daughter at a very young age to always stay close to her.
"Hi, Lucy," Olivia stated as she watched the young adult enter her apartment. Lucy gave her a small wave.
"Hi, Liv. Hi, Ellie. What are we going to do today?"
"Ice cream?" Ellie questioned. Olivia shook her head but grinned.
"You already had ice cream, missy. But nice try." She leaned down and tickled her daughter until she was told to stop. She wanted to make sure she knew No mean no, and stop meant stop. "Alright, Lucy. I am going to get going. I don't know what time I will be back. I hope that okay. Lucy nodded. With that Olivia exited her apartment and made her way to her car. She took in a deep breath and worked up the courage to start her car.
She really hoped it was him.