When she heard how the newcomers had performed on their first training, she clicked her tongue in annoyance.
Her eyes rested on Hange whose face had lit up with excitement upon telling her the news and she felt herself soften up a bit. While she admired the person in front of her for both her positive attitude and open mind, she could not see herself adopting any of these features anytime soon.
She felt a twinge of envy as she contemplated the news. Apparently, the newcomers exceeded Flagon's squad by length. They had proven to be excellent when it came to coordination and agility while using the ODM gear.
Flagon's squad and ours get similar scores on almost every training exercise. Seems like those three are better than us as well.
She briefly glanced at her squad leader who was seated opposite to Hange and eating his meal with a rather pleased expression on his face. Although our survival rate on missions is higher.
The latter was due to him. Erwin was a brilliant strategist and thus, listening to his orders was the safest way to return home. His current squad had persisted for almost a year now whereas the others had to be frequently reorganised due their dropping numbers.
Flagon on the other hand was said to be hesitant and not as adaptable as required when being out in the open. During the last expedition, he had lost half of his subordinates.
She could not blame him.
Even after having spent two years in the survey corps, she still did not feel any confidence when facing titans. It seemed impossible to size up the situation and react accordingly when there was adrenaline rushing through your veins and the screams of dying people ringing in your ears.
There was no way to adapt yourself to hell. Unless you could block all of this out.
If she had acted on impulse, she would have been eaten on her first mission. Instead, she had hesitated and waited for orders.
Like a good soldier. Like someone who had no idea what to do.
Because her squad leader had known what to do. Because apparently, he could remain unfazed by the agony around him.
And that's what kept me alive so far.
Antonina lowered her eyes and looked at the bowl of soup she had been stirring absentmindedly for a couple of minutes. It was getting cold.
She wasn't sure whether she should consider herself fortunate or not.
She suppressed a sigh and decided to focus on the dinner table conversation again. She had reserved the feeling of hopelessness especially for sleepless nights.
It was more than okay for her that her squad considered her rather quiet and not the most sociable. She could easily get away without speaking a whole sentence at meals, as long as she gave the impression to be involved by producing sounds that sounded affirmative. On the other hand, a lot of them used that strategy once Hange had set her mind on one topic and would not let go of it.
She could not pretend that her type was a rare phenomenon at the survey corps. It was hard to keep a positive and cheerful attitude when you were confronted with death on an almost daily basis.
Many of them had gone through the same transition.
She wondered if she would ever forget the face of her friends with whom she had trained her ass off for years. How she had never felt so connected and so at ease with anyone. Because they had understood her foolish dreams of freedom all too well. Because their faces had also lit up when they talked about freeing and roaming the world.
She remembered the proud grin on their faces when they had joined. How accomplished and fearless and happy they had felt. Like the world was theirs to take. How they had joked and laughed and mocked each other.
And how half of them had died on their first mission. And how the other half had followed shortly after, until there was no one but her.
For her, keeping a certain distance to her comrades seemed like the most sensible decisions. The less she knew about them, the less hurtful it would be to lose them.
To Antonia, this was what dedicating her heart meant. She knew that death was awaiting her and everyone in this room patiently. But each and every one of them had accepted their fate for the greater good. For freeing the world of titans so that one day, humanity could thrive beyond the walls.
And while she was rather sure that she would not live to see that day, she also had to admit that she wasn't sure if this day would ever come at all.
Maybe that was the reason the newcomers from the underground joined.
Surely her superiors had noticed that no matter how hard they trained, they just weren't good enough to achieve any real progress. They probably hoped that the three outsiders would bring a much needed change and teach them some new approaches.
Still, she had seen talent getting crushed by titans before.
She slowly lifted her spoon to her mouth, ignoring her lack of appetite.
When she tried to swallow the tasteless liquid, Hange's elbow hit her in the side and caused her to almost choke on it.
"And then Levi saved Gustav from impaling himself on a blade!" she gestured excitedly and only paused her chatting when the coughing from the figure next to her got too loud for her to continue.
"Something wrong, Antonia?" The brunette petted her back with élan.
"Not helpful." She fended off the well-meaning hands and tried to regain her composure.
"Are you that surprised someone from the underground would do something nice, Tonia?" Big brown eyes looked at her accusingly.
"No, you hit me while I was eating." She clarified with a tired smile after she had finally stopped coughing.
"Oh. I understand." Hange deadpanned before she returned her attention to the topic that had enthused her.
Antonia, on the other hand, glared towards where said topic was seated.
She wondered how people that seemed to be so different in terms of their personalities could get along.
Isabel seemed to be even more of an enthusiast than Hange. Antonia watched as the girl told the other two something with a wide, contagious grin and beaming eyes. Furlan, the tall blonde watched his friend gesticulate widely with a small smile on his face. Levi, on the other hand, seemed to not pay any attention at all and wore the same blank expression he had when she first saw him.
She almost snorted.
He was even rude towards his little gang.
She noticed that no one of the corps was sitting even remotely closed to them. And she felt almost bad.
Probably on him, she concluded. The others seemed fairly approachable. But Levi kept an air around him and his friends that no one wanted to get close to. And apparently, these two were totally oblivious to the dismissive glances he threw around the room.
She also noticed that he looked at Erwin repetitively. Or rather, that he was staring daggers.
Interesting.
I wonder how diplomatically Erwin convinced them to come here.
At some point, he must have noticed that she was examining his behaviour because his eyes wandered to her.
Antonia knew better than to back down when she was caught staring by someone who had just ogled her superior and kept a neutral expression on her face.
She had faced titans and she had experienced Commander Shadis' wrath. Staring down an arrogant thug should not be a problem.
Cold eyes locked with her and she was sure to have witnessed how his expression darkened slightly. Antonia raised her eyebrows just a tiniest bit.
Eventually, she watched his eyes narrow and finally, he looked away.
Antonia noticed a feeling of satisfaction spread in her stomach.
You might be stronger, but you are not better than any of us. You won't make me feel inferior.