They set out by dawn.
It was a marvellous day. The sky above them was a mixture of grey and light blue, disturbed by impressive hues of orange and yellow that warmed their faces and the back of their hands as they moved forward.
Next to her, she could sense that Hange was boiling with excitement. Today, they were trying out the long-distance scouting formation her squad leader had come up with for the first time.
In this formation, they should be able to communicate with flair guns to dodge any sighted titans instead of having them plough through their rows and scatter them.
Antonia did not dare to feel excited or optimistic. If she made it home, she would carefully count how many of them had survived this excursion and then make up her mind.
Hopelessness had accompanied her for so long now that she could not imagine herself leaving it behind anytime soon.
For now, Hange was in charge of their team and she was not entirely sure how she felt about that, especially since the brunette had a tendency for reckless behaviour when it came to titans.
Erwin was at the head of the formation whereas she and the others were almost at the back. Being a part of the rear seemed relatively safe – unless you were attacked from behind or fell too far back.
So far, everything seemed to go more than smoothly. Communicating with the flairs was working flawlessly. They had changed direction more than ten times and covered an impressive distance. In addition, as Emma had quietly muttered at some point, scared to be judged for this assessment, the different colours floating in the sky looked rather pretty.
Things looked well – practically and aesthetically, she had to admit as her eyes traced a vibrant green tail that floated through the sky in the far distance.
West, she thought and gave the rein a slight pull.
But as much as she wanted to, she could just not trust that things would continue to be so peachy.
And when the first dark clouds appeared at the sky, she knew it had been wise to remain pessimistic.
When the first drops of rain poured down, she hoped that they would be able to maintain their communication system.
When the rain was teeming down less than a minute later, she felt her heart sink again.
Whatever advantage they might have had, it was now all for naught.
The tension in the air was palpable.
"Stay close! Make sure you don't lose sight of each other!" She could barely hear Hange's voice, but she gladly obeyed.
She definitely did not want to stray far from her squad. As the rain soaked her clothes and fog obstructed her vision, she wondered if it was more likely that Hange had given up on her glasses or given up on seeing.
The next hours were nerve-wrecking. It was impossible to see what was going on in front of them and they had no idea where the rest of the formation was.
What if we strayed out of the formation?
Moreover, they could run into a titan any time.
Antonia pulled her hood closer into her face and tried to shield her eyes from the rain in vain, hoping that the sky would clear up soon.
With her heart bumping rapidly inside of her chest, she fixated her eyes on Hange's back, telling herself that everything would be alright as long as she did not lose her squad.
Yet, she could not really convince herself.
What a gamble.
It took some time to find the rest of the survey corps once the storm had passed. Saying that the scouts had been able to maintain the formation would have been a bold overstatement. Without the flair guns, none of them would have been able to find any of the other squads.
When they could finally make out the silhouettes and eventually the faint green of their comrades' capes in the distance, the tension fell of her squad's shoulders.
"Over there!" Emma shouted excitedly and pointed towards the four figures that had appeared in their field of vision.
She could hear Ben let out a breathless laugh on her right and saw Hange frantically wave towards the other squad with both arms.
But once they had reintegrated themselves into the formation, they heard the news.
Antonia's relief over not being lost in titan territory quickly diminished upon hearing how the other squads had fared.
They had suffered huge casualties.
According to Hange, five squads had been wiped out. And there was a dozen of wounded soldiers laying on their wagons that would hopefully survive until they reached wall Maria.
By now, the sun was shining down mockingly on them, shedding light on their failure.
The warmth on her face could not reach the rest of her.
Antonia felt tired and cold. She wanted to go home
When she woke up, she felt terrible.
She was not sure what part of her dreams had been nightmares and which bits and pieces had been real.
She remembered dreaming about the storm, she remembered dreaming about a head falling down on the grass. She remembered dreaming about the sun blinding her, about the gate being opened and their column entering the Shiganshina district. The hatred and verbal abuse of the gathered citizens. The cries of some of them when they realized that their children were missing. Or among these severely hurt.
Three injured soldiers had died. They had only noticed their condition when they had already reached the infirmary.
She could not remember whether the squad leaders of the deceased had turned around right around away to inform their families or if they had been granted a few more hours of blissful unawareness. Antonia was not sure which option she would have preferred if she had been put in their place.
The face of her aunt popped up in her head. The lines of worry on her forehead and the far too faint laughing lines next to her eyes. She remembered how the way her mouth would twitch at one side for a brief second whenever she heard bad news had always been the only sign indicating that she had lost composure.
Thinking of her usually filled her with love – and guilt for having left. But now it made her feel nauseous.
She could not stay in bed, she needed to distract herself from the hollow feeling in her guts.
Careful not to wake Emma or Hange, she left the room to take a long shower before making her way to the stables.
She was rather glad that her sleeping habits ensured her of being alone while tending to her hygiene. She was not ashamed of her body, they all had scars and bruises all over them. Being naked around others did not pose that much of a problem.
But, on the few instances where she hadn't had the whole shower room to herself, some of her female comrades had tried to include her in their chitchat about which men of the corps were the most attractive. And that was a topic she loathed.
While she understood that this kind of entertainment was a much needed distraction for them, she just could not bring herself to even think about a fling.
Why bother? There was no use in getting emotionally attached to a man who might be dead tomorrow or the day after. Or having one deal with mourning her death after an empty promise of a happily ever after.
She had dedicated her heart to humanity. With that vow, she could not afford to give it away to anyone, that horse was out of the barn.
When she had joined the training corps, she had though that she would settle down once they had won against the titans. Now, she felt ashamed by the thought that she had ever assumed her being in the survey corps would make a difference.
I was so naïve and arrogant, she thought and stepped out of the shower to dry herself and get dressed.
She tried to shake off her embarrassment and felt her heart get lighter with each step as she approached the stables.
Antonia was almost happy to find herself alone and fed Liam some treats for breakfast. The feeling of the horse's warm muzzle against the cold skin of her hand felt comforting. She gave him a brush before she put a horsecloth on him and lead him into the paddock so he could enjoy the space on his own for a bit before the stable boys let the other horses out. Maybe she was projecting her own oddities on that horse, but she liked to think that he was a bit of a loner, too.
She remained seated on the fence that surrounded the enclosure for a couple of minutes to watch Liam trot around the area as if he did not have a care in the world and as if he did not mind the restrictions of the fence around him.
Maybe she should have followed the horse's example and tried to find joy in a simple life behind the walls. But she wholeheartedly doubted that she would have been successful in doing so. And on the other hand, even if she was given the chance to leave the survey corps behind, she knew that she could never bring herself to do it.
She sighed. There was no easy way.
I need to stop being so depressed. I chose this.
Despite being up early, she had wasted so much time entertaining herself with gloomy thoughts that she was rather late for breakfast.
With a heavy heart, she entered the dining hall.
It was the same after every mission. While she would be aware of the numbers, the dead comrades' absence only ever became visible at situations where everyone was gathered.
Seeing all the vacant seats felt like a blow in the stomach.
She grabbed some bread and sat down next to Emma who wore a frown on her face and chewed on her meal in silence. Opposite to her, Ben hadn't touched his plate. Instead he seemed to stare right through it.
Not too far away from them, Hange and Erwin seemed to have an animated conversation and did not seem to be in low spirits at all.
They seemed to be discussing the upsides of the new scouting formation excitedly. Maybe she should have congratulated him. After all, his idea had proven to potentially be a game changer - but she just could not bring herself to.
Instead, she felt glad that she had refrained from finding a seat right next to them. She preferred the company of people who were not up for conversing either. Who tried to focus on eating the food in front of them while their survivor's guilt gnawed at them.
It took her a while to notice that the table which was usually used by Isabelle, Furlan and Levi was only occupied by one person.
Before, Levi had sat on the other side of the table, probably so that he could easily observe the room. Now, he had switched to the other side and faced the wall. He seemed less wary now, with his shoulders slightly slouched and his head hanging low enough for her to see the neatly trimmed contours of his undercut.
Antonia felt pity burning in her throat.
For him, for Ben, for all of them who would continue to go through hell over and over again until it finally devoured them.
Author's Note: I feel like this chapter might be a bit too soppy, but I decided to post it anyway. I'd be happy to hear your criticism. :)