The house they had flung themselves on must have seen better days. Most of its windows were gone and the remaining ones were traversed by cracks. Under different circumstances, Antonia would have wondered who the people were that had lived in those vacant houses an eternity ago. But for now, she had other things on her mind and simply felt glad that the building was sturdy enough to not collapse under their weight.
The droning sound of her heartbeat was almost overwhelming as she looked around for her comrades. On the opposite side of the street, Emma and Hange had gotten into position on a roof. Next to her, Ben grinned excitedly. A 12-metre class titan was about to reach the exact spot where they had wanted it to be.
Antonia fixed her eyes on the tall woman's form. Once Hange's figure started moving, she flung herself into the air.
Immobilise it. She briefly wondered why his voice would pop up in her brain. She briefly wondered why she was thinking about anything at all when she was supposed to be solely focused on acting.
Before the titan could notice her, she had already cut through the tendons of its knee pit, causing the immense body to fall forward.
Within the same motion, she flung herself up on the opposite roof and quickly wiped the uncomfortably hot and steaming blood off her face before turning around to take in their work.
She could not help feeling pleased.
The titan's arms hung to its sides uselessly as Ben and Hange had successfully severed the muscles at the level of its elbows.
Antonia held her breath as she watched Emma cut through the titan's nape.
She looked over to Hange who had squatted down and grinned at the scenery in front of them widely. Not too far away, Emma and Ben doing some kind of triumphant dance that while it lacked elegance, definitely conveyed joy.
Antonia felt a smile forming on her face as she exhaled.
Their teamwork had definitely reached a new level.
Maybe things really weren't hopeless anymore.
Antonia could not remember the last time an expedition had went so well. The route Shadis had chosen lead them through plenty of villages. Whenever they had encountered a titan that could not be evaded, a squad would lure it into the abandoned streets of said villages and dispose of it like it was nothing.
Things continued to go smoothly and by sunset, they made it safely into the old ruin that was supposed to be their overnight accommodation.
It was by no means in good shape, but the thick stone walls seemed to offer sufficient protection from any threats. Yet, she was not sure if she would have felt equally if they had arrived earlier.
As Antonia made sure that Liam was well-supplied with hay, water and the carrots that she had smuggled along in her pockets, she looked around in awe, trying to count the soldiers around her.
Could it be that no one died?
"Not a single soul!"
Antonia flinched as Hange gave her a far too enthusiastic dig with the elbow. She turned around to see the brunette's face a bit too closely to hers and saw herself confronted with pure childlike happiness. Hange's eyes were glowing with joy and her grin looked slightly crazy.
"Are you sure? I haven't seen the guys from Miche's squad yet", Ben muttered reluctantly.
"Of course I'm sure, I counted!" Hange did not even sound offended by his doubt.
"Can't argue with that" Antonia mumbled dryly, but she had to admit that she felt as happy and relieved as everyone else. Maybe for the first time ever since the scouts were formed, no one had died.
Even her squad leader who was talking to Commander Shadis a couple of metres away looked like he was thrilled. At least for his standards. To Antonia, the mild smile plastered on Erwin's face counted as thrilled, but that might just be an overinterpretation.
Lately, their squad leader had not been very present, to say the least. Once their training sessions were over, he would soon disappear to talk to the commander and the other squad leaders. For this expedition, he had once again put Hange in charge of their squad so he could follow the commander to the front of the formation.
Erwin is becoming irreplaceable to Shadis, she noticed as she watched the two of them converse from afar. Without him, it would have been impossible that we all arrived here safely. She knew that Shadis had not always been too excited about Erwin's new ideas. But whatever might be the reason for Shadis' changed attitude, she surely was glad about the outcome.
"I used to be angry at him." A low voice said right next to her.
She turned around and looked at Emma's sombre expression. Her serious brown eyes were fixed on commander Shadis.
"I guess I just didn't understand how it can be up to one person when my friends die. I thought, if they die, then he must have made the wrong decision."
Antonia hesitated, unsure what to say. Loss was part of their everyday life and somehow this made it hard to leave room for grief. If they started offering condolences to each other, it would result in an endless exchange of hollow words. Unconsciously, her fingers wandered to the pendant of her necklace to nervously play with it. She did not feel fit for this kind of conversation.
"It's a lot of responsibility…" she offered lamely.
"I know, I know. And we have vowed to dedicate out hearts to a cause, and all, yes. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in what we do. But I just could not help feeling heavily underprepared. And I used to think that we were not going to get anywhere."
Antonia felt the lump in her throat get harder as she avoided Emma's eyes.
"But that has changed. I think that we stand a chance now." Her comrade's voice sounded assured.
She nodded slowly and finally worked up the courage to meet the woman's gaze. Emma smiled sadly.
"Are you still angry at him?" she gestured over towards where the commander and Erwin were still talking.
"Sometimes. What about you, Tonia? Are you ever angry?"
Antonia hesitated.
"I can't. I could not do any better than him. And I probably would have given up already because I could not bear making any of these decisions."
Emma rolled her eyes at her.
"I didn't mean that I could do better, I just…"
"Didn't see the point in it anymore?"
Antonia watched the woman next to her sigh.
"Yes." She said lowly.
"I felt the same way. I guess we just needed a silver lining."
Emma smiled at her tiredly.
"Thank you, Tonia. I thought I was the only one who had their doubts."
"Don't worry about it. And speaking of silver linings; you did really great with that 12-metre class earlier."
Emma's eyes lit up immediately. It had been a good idea to change the topic. She was tired of thinking about the ideals they had dedicated themselves to.
"Seriously, we are doing so great today! The way you blinded the first one we killed was amazing…!"
Antonia could not help but notice that Emma was one of those gifted people whose good mood was contagious. She smiled at her comrade warmly as they walked into the abandoned building.
"Rather crowded in here" Emma remarked as they entered the first room in which the majority of their comrades seemed to have set themselves up for the night.
"Let's find Hange and Ben" Antonia suggested.
The latter had saved them some space in the corner of the last room of the estate and seemed to be immersed in a serious discussion.
"Maybe he wants to be alone?" Ben asked, apparently slightly annoyed.
Antonia knew immediately who they were talking about. Within seconds, she had spotted Levi across the room who, as always, avoided the company of others.
"No one wants to be alone, Ben! How can you be so heartless?" Hange stared at him in disbelief and threw her hands in the air dramatically.
"I'm pretty sure that he would talk to people if he, well, wanted to." Ben was clearly unfazed by her scolding tone and seemed like his patience was running thin.
"What if all he needs is a warm welcome!" Hange turned to Emma and Antonia and looked at them with big eyes. "What do you think, guys?"
"Erm …" Antonia started, unsure how to reply.
"Hange", Emma looked at the brunette with a serious expression on her face, "are suggesting that the guy who made us undergo the most rigid training ever and who told us straight to the face that everything we do is shit is too shy to talk to us?"
"Maybe not shy, but…"
With a helpless expression on her face, Hange turned towards Antonia and looked at her with pleading eyes.
Antonia tried to steel herself. She would not give in.
"What about you, Toni? I mean, look at him, he is all alone!" A flustered Hange pointed across the room.
Antonia glanced at Levi who was sitting on his not yet unpacked sleeping bag and looked like the epitome of indifference.
"He looks fine. Actually, he looks like wants to be a-"
"Do you remember our last expedition? What you said about how excluding them wasn't nice? And now his friends are…"
Antonia felt Ben's and Emma's eyes on her and felt a blush creep on her face. Of course, Hange would use her jabbering against her. She decided to focus on Hange's face – which had clearly been a mistake. The expression in her eyes reminded her of a very sad puppy.
She felt herself carve in.
"I don't mind talking to him." She stood up and looked at Hange expectantly.
In an instant, Hange's eyes did not look teary anymore. Instead, she beamed at her. "You go ahead, I'll be there in two minutes!"
What?
Antonia stared at the tall woman in disbelief and wondered about whatever was going on in her precious head. After a short contemplation, she decided against asking and turned around instead.
With a sigh, she made her way towards the infamous short man and was uncomfortably aware of all the eyes following her. Her movements suddenly felt clumsy. She really hated being the centre of attention.
Levi pretended to only notice her shortly before she stood about a metre away from him and met her with his usual expressionless face. She could not even say that he looked at her expectantly.
She was already getting tired of this.
"Mind if I sit here?" she asked politely.
"Go ahead." He shrugged.
Very tired.
They sat in silence for about twenty seconds. If she was completely honest, she was not really fazed by the thought that she might be making things awkward.
Especially since browsing her brain for potential topics was not really successful. What should she bring up? The time he had beaten her up during training? Antonia did not feel like reminiscing about that.
His life as a criminal in the underground? She had to admit that she felt rather curious about that – yet, it seemed like a far too intimate topic. She would not have been comfortable talking about her upbringing to him – and almost everyone else, if she was being honest – and her past would not even have been a controversial conversational topic. Plus, she was not keen on leading a potential conversation even close to his late friends.
How he learned to fight and to use the ODM gear?
Why he now seemed to get along with Erwin?
Everything seemed inappropriate at best and like a potential mine field at worst.
She was tempted by the idea to sit this one out until Hange decided to show up. And if that option had been less childish, she might have gone through with it.
"I am bad at small talk."
"Obviously."
"Apparently that's something we've got in common."
For once, she could have sworn that the corner of his mouth twitched for a second. She felt herself soften up a bit.
"Thank you for helping us with our training."
He nodded.
Antonia did not really feel encouraged by his blank face, but she still decided to make an effort.
"I think it increased our chances for survival. I'm sorry everyone gave you a rough start."
He dismissed her statement with a click of his tongue. Yet, she was not sure whether it was meant for her optimism regarding survival or her apology.
Antonia supressed a smile and an eye roll. That was probably the most she was going to get out of him.
"Your weird friend is coming."
It seemed bold to her that he of all people would dare to attribute that adjective to anyone, but she decided that she was too polite to point that out.
"Hange is brilliant."
Not even a second later, said person let herself down far too close next to Antonia and wrapped one arm over her shoulder.
"Soooo? What's up? Are you two getting along?"
Levi clicked his tongue again, this time, she was sure, in annoyance.
"Like a house on fire." Antonia muttered clearly audible to both of them. She held Levi's sceptical gaze for a couple of seconds and then looked over to Hange, inwardly passing the responsibility for this conversation on to her. And instantly regretting it.
"Great! So, Levi, how does the potable water supply in the underground city work? What about the food supply? And how do people make sure they get enough vitamin D?"
Antonia cringed. If Levi was taken aback by this question, he did not show it. She watched as he narrowed his eyes for a couple of seconds.
"They don't."
"But that would mean that they become ill." Hange's eyes widened "Is that the reason why you are –"
Antonia used more force than necessary when she shoved her elbow in her comrade's side.