Antonia hated the infirmary with every cell of her body.
She hated the smell of medical alcohol, hated the way that the nurses would run their cold fingers over her broken ribs with what must have been unnecessary pressure, and, most of all, hated being tied to bed.
While the infirmary offered a structure, it did not offer any way of killing time.
Maybe she would have suffered less if she had been all alone and could have indulged solely in her own misery. But not much later after she had been submitted, endless rows of people seemed to pour in, each bringing in new rumours that she sometimes greedily absorbed and other times desperately ignored.
The infirmary, formerly exclusively designated for soldiers, had opened its doors to everyone its space could hold.
Garrison soldiers with missing limbs, civilians with broken bones, cuts, and bruises, children that neither spoke nor cried, almost all of them with shellshocked eyes, had to be taken care of and caused Antonia to feel bad for the cold-fingered nurses and doctors.
The despair around her was contagious and there was no way of finding a distraction.
She felt jealous of Hange who had been free to go right after they had readjusted her broken bone.
At least she still slept ungodly amounts of time. Her aunt had once told her that people who suffer from depression slept a lot because their minds needed to heal themselves – and that they should be grateful for being such early risers since it meant that their minds were healthy.
Although she had never openly objected her aunt's assessment, Antonia had never been very convinced by it. She had been well aware that some people would have labelled them as insomniac.
She had never felt grateful for not being able to sleep much and, although she would never dare to say it out loud, she had mostly been miserable as a child after moving in with her aunt.
But she felt far more miserable now.
Antonia wondered if she had finally arrived at her breaking point or if it was simply her body that needed the sleep for healing.
Either way, the times when she dozed off meant that she could escape this terrible reality - and that was something she really appreciated.
After three days, Hange finally came to see her ("Sorry, I didn't make it earlier Toni, but there has simply been so much to do!") - much to her surprise accompanied by Erwin.
When their tall figures entered the room, the ever-present mumbling of the infirmary that she sometimes found comforting and sometimes anxiety-inducing, stopped.
Antonia could not really say if it was due to the contained enthusiasm that Hange seemed to express with every cell of her body or due to the air of dignified assurance that Erwin seemed to bring with him wherever he went.
While Hange attempted to hug her before noticing that neither of them was fit for such a procedure and deciding to pet her shoulder instead, the now 13th commander of the survey corps offered her a rare smile.
"How are you feeling?" he asked
"Much better, thank you" she lied with a straight face "I hope they will dismiss me soon."
Erwin nodded, and if he had noticed her dishonesty, which was not very unlikely, he did not seem to care about it.
Unlike Hange, the look on his face did not express concern, but careful calculation.
To her, he had always appeared to be so sure of everything, and his choices had always proven to be the right ones as he manoeuvred them through what might have been their certain death in any other case.
But now it was like he had ascended to a new level.
There seemed to be an aura of purposefulness around him, as if he knew exactly what needed to be done and had already saw every step required to achieve his goal.
Antonia could tell that he had not come for idle chitchat.
And if she was honest, she felt rather glad about that, given that she still had no reliable information about what occurred three days ago. Once she found out, she would listen to whatever he intended to tell her.
"What happened in Shiganshina?"
"Two very unusual titans showed up. The first one was more than 50 metres tall and breached the districts outer gate, allowing other titans from outside the wall to enter –"
"By unusual, you mean abnormal?" Antonia interrupted him rudely.
Erwin hesitated for a bit. His blue eyes studied her face for a brief moment, as if he was trying to assess something.
"They were unlike the abnormals we have seen so far. The first titan apparently vanished shortly after it was seen which is rather striking considering its height. The second titan was first sighted inside the district, close to the inner gate which it destroyed, but it also seems to have disappeared without a trace. In addition, they were described to look differently. We will show you the sketches once you return to the headquarters."
She nodded, although she did not quite know what to make out of this information, but neither could Hange from what she could tell from her facial expression.
"Since we have lost Wall Maria", Erwin continued his address, "the range of duty of the scouts will have to change. Our topmost priority now is to prepare everything for reclaiming the territory that we have lost. For this, we will establish a supply chain from Trost to Shiganshina."
Antonia nodded again. So he really had already come up with a plan. She felt the prospect diminish the misery in her heart.
"How will we reclaim the territory?"
It would not be enough to try to kill the supposedly endless number of titans that surely made their way through the breach while they were talking. They would need to repair the wall. Antonia was sure that they needed more soldiers than they had right now to transport the resources required for the deed – and a way to fill the holes rather quickly.
Once again, Antonia noticed that Erwin hesitated.
"The Royal Government is currently working on a solution."
To her, he did not sound too enthusiastic - but at the same time, he never really did.
"Once I'll get informed about the specifics, I will let you know."
She had to admit that she felt slightly confused by that offer. It seemed off to her that the commander would keep a regular soldier like her updated. But maybe he had simply said that out of courtesy.
"Thank you." She muttered.
"One more thing before we will let you rest. I have decided to implement some structural changes. Hange has accepted to take a position as a squad leader for when the new scout members join us."
Antonia tried to smile but moving the corners of her mouth upwards felt so wrong. She hoped that Hange did not notice how forced her grin was. Or that her words would be enough to convey that she felt genuinely happy for her.
"Congratulations, Hange, you really deserve it."
She remembered one of the last conversations she had with Emma und Ben. We all said you had that coming for you. But she simply could not bring herself to say that.
"Thank you, Toni" She beamed at her.
"And", Erwin continued, "I wanted to offer you a similar position."
Antonia stared at him in disbelief.
"What?"
He could not be serious.
"You always consider very carefully before making decisions and you have shown strong nerves, resolve, and bravery during our last expedition. I think you would be a great leader."
Thinking of the last expedition hurt more than the nurses' fingers pressing down on her broken ribs. Maybe she had shown resolve, but in the end, Emma and Ben had died.
And she really did not want to be the person who had to make the decisions that caused her comrades to die.
Antonia hesitated.
"Can I decline?" She asked, ignoring Hange's disbelieving face, and lowered her gaze towards the white blanket that rested on her legs.
A few agonizing seconds passed, and Antonia anxiously wondered if they would argue with her. She dreaded the idea of having to explain herself.
"Of course." Erwin finally said in a friendly voice. "But if you ever change your mind, let me know."
"We will be off for now." He slowly got up and looked at Hange expectantly.
"You go ahead, I'll be right there, commander!"
One more nod, and Erwin was off, leaving her alone with Hange.
"I really don't want to discuss that, Hange." She tried to end the conversation before it started.
"Alright, alright, alright!" the tall woman smiled at her reassuringly "I just wanted to tell you that Levi has also been promoted. He'll get to decide which recruits can join his squad and all."
So he had made it. Actually, she should not have been surprised, but she still felt relief.
"That's good for him." It wasn't her intention to sound defensive, she really meant it, but Hange did not seem to mind her childish behaviour.
"I couldn't agree more!"
She decided to change the topic.
"How are you doing, Hange?" She nodded towards the squad leader's arm.
The newly promoted woman's smile faltered.
"I miss them."
Antonia looked at her hands and focused on the countless little scratches, some superficial, some deeper, that covered her skin.
"Yeah, me too."
It seemed like a bold understatement; it just didn't quite cover the regret she felt upon her failure and the excessive need to rewind that days over and over in her head again.
"I'm sorry I could not save them."
She started to scratch over the scrab on her wrist.
"It wasn't your fault." It wasn't rare that Hange raised her voice, she usually did whenever she felt excited, but it wasn't often that she sounded this serious.
"And", a soft smile appeared on her lips, "you got me out of that titan's hand and on that wagon. And I can never thank you enough for that."
"You would have done the same." Antonia muttered.
Hange shrugged.
"You know, putting the lives of your comrades first is what would make you a wonderful squad leader."
Unless I have to sacrifice them for humanity's victory, Antonia thought grimly.
"I am really not interested in that position. I'm sorry."
"You could be my vice-captain..." Hange stopped talking when she saw her expression.
"Alright, alright, I'll let it go! You'll just be an ordinary member of my squad, no special responsibilities."
"Thank you, Hange."
"I can't wait for the new recruits to finally arrive. Erwin says that with what happened, we might actually get more cadets to join us."
Antonia could not really understand how the horrible and traumatic loss of one third of humanity's territory might motivate people to choose the military fraction that would get them closest to the jaws of titans, but she was too tired to discuss this sentiment.
"That would be great."