"Weeelcome to the fourth squad of the survey corps!"

Antonia could not help feeling slightly amused by Hange's idea of a formal greeting. With a grin that seemed almost manically, and her arms outstretched to her sides, as if she was offering a potentially suffocating group hug, she was the exact opposite of formal.

She tried to maintain a neutral face while watching the new scout's reactions. While the speech that Erwin had given to them much earlier had been solemn and dead serious, Hange's eccentric welcome must have quite ruined the impression.

"We", Antonia straightened up even more once she noticed that she was getting included into whatever was about to come out of the brunette's mouth, "are so happy to have investigative spirits like yours in our team. You must be curious about the true nature of these beautiful titans, and let me assure you, you will get close to them. Our ultimate goal will be to capture one of these fascinating specimen again, so that we can get to know them intima –"

"Hange." Antonia muttered.

The four people in front of them had become paler with every word.

Her squad leader stopped talking and looked at her questioningly.

"You're scaring them." She whispered in a voice low enough that none of the newcomers would be able to make out her words.

"Oh."

Hange suddenly seemed utterly unsure about what to do.

"Maybe you could introduce yours-"

"Ah, yes! Let me start again. So, I am Hange, your squad leader, and this", she gestured to her left where Antonia stood, "is Toni who is also a member of your squad."

Antonia carefully regarded their faces, trying to discern whether they might have been wondering why there were no other members, but their expressions gave nothing away – maybe she was overthinking things.

"You'll see that each squad in the survey corps has their own strengths and responsibilities. You were assigned to my squad because you've shown to be attentive to detail, to be good strategic thinkers, and able to connect information. This is important because, despite all our efforts so far, we still lack the information we so desperately need to free humanity of the titans. Of course, you will also be in the front lines, and you will have to fight. But beyond that, you will have to use your heads, that's part of the fourth squad's job, dedicating not only your heart, but also your brain to saving humanity."

This little address proved to be much better than Hange's initial approach. Antonia found herself smiling as she watched her new comrades salute.

"For now, I'll give you a tour of the premises and show you where you'll be sleeping. Later, we can get to know each other a bit more over dinner and tomorrow, we'll have our first training session together! Maybe we can do some fun team-bonding activity!"

Antonia sighed inwardly as she felt her smile freeze on her face.

They seem nice.

While Antonia had hated the fun team-bonding activities, she also had to admit that they were efficient. Moblit, Nifa, Abel, and Keiji had apparently hated them as well, and thus it could be said that they had something in common, for starters.

At the same time, they did not seem too deterred by Hange's eccentric character, and she had to admit, although she felt guilty for it, that she enjoyed seeing the brunette's attention distributed among more people than just her and the other soldiers that had happened to survive their last expedition.

Moblit and Keiji had the honour of sitting beside Hange at the dinner table and thus the pleasure of listening to her gushing over the fascinating nature of titans. While the latter endured her rambling in polite silence, Moblit actually interrupted Hange to ask a question now and then. Abel and Nifa exchanged meaningful glances from time to time, but also did not dare to leave this conversation.

She could not help but noticing that they all seemed so young. It was more than just the youthful complexion of their faces. It was a certain softness in their features, a certain brightness in their eyes. Even Keiji, who might be around her age, and appeared to be rather serious and composed in comparison to the others, was no exception from this.

She could not help wondering how long it would take for the life they had chosen to show on their faces.

And how it was possible that Hange's face did not stick out like a sore thumb among them. To Antonia, it was like Hange was too light-footed to fall into the pit of hopelessness. Like she grew the wings of freedom to keep herself above the ground whereas Antonia and the others could only keep themselves from hitting rock bottom by constantly clapping their wings together, always on the brink of exhaustion.

Antonia could tell by the way her squad leader's eyes lit up whenever Moblit offered an encouraging nod that she was quite happy with her new subordinates.

But she herself had listened to Hange's somewhat bewildering views on titans far too many times and did not even try to pretend that she was more than physically present in this conversation.

Instead, she let her gaze wander through the dining hall, taking in all the new young faces that filled the benches which had been painfully vacant just the day before.

It was just like Erwin had predicted. Absurdly, what had happened in Shiganshina district had somehow attracted an impressive number of recruits. In comparison to the last couple of weeks, it was almost crowded.

Eventually, her eyes got caught on Levi. Although he sat rather far away from her, she could tell that he, as always, did not look very happy. He shared his table with three young men and a woman. All of them sat noticeably upright and Antonia could not help suspecting that they were terrified of their new superior.

She had heard that Shadis was now the chief instructor of the Southern training corps. Antonia wondered if the recruits, given that they had been under the former commander's care, found Levi as intimidating as him.

The thought that Levi's first impression had probably been worse than anything Hange could have possibly said to her squad members popped up in her mind and caused the corners of her mouth to turn upward.

At the same time, she could not help feeling mildly bad for the new recruits as she watched them eat in silence, their eyes fixed on the plates in front of them.

The special operations squad, she thought.

It had been Erwin's idea, of course, to not allocate the newcomers arbitrarily. Instead, he had looked at the data provided by their former instructors for hours and then assigned each individual in a way that he deemed sensible.

And apparently, Levi had had a say in who he wanted in his team, because they would be the ones to get their hands the dirtiest.

Erwin's leadership style was vastly different to what they were used to. It was like all hierarchies had been torn down along with the wall. Their new commander communicated his ideas, preferred to be transparent about his choices, and listened to their input.

Antonia just hoped that all these changes would do them any good.

When she felt Levi's eyes on her, she almost dropped the fork that she still held in her hand absentmindedly. She felt a surge of embarrassment paint her cheeks pink.

He had caught her staring, albeit right through him, because she had been too occupied by her own thoughts.

She decided it was time to focus back on her food and on her squad instead of musing about Levi's.

Lately, she had gotten awkward with him and a part of her, one that cared about what others might think of her, the one she excessively tried to supress, loathed herself for that.

Maybe she acted weirdly because she felt ashamed that he had rescued her, and she did not want to owe anything to anyone. Maybe they both were not blessed with the greatest social skills and were just not meant to simply get along all too well.

Antonia should have contented herself with the latter explanation. Most of the scouts were unique characters and it was alright, if not sensible, for them to not become the closest friends. The one thing that counted was that they could rely on each other beyond the walls.

She should have told herself that Levi had simply demonstrated to her that he in fact was a comrade they all could rely on.

She should have thanked him briefly and let it go.

But instead, she had given in to her ego. And when she had first seen him after returning to the headquarters, she had made a fool out of herself.

- Three weeks ago -

It was not by coincidence that she arrived at the main building this late at night. After she had been free to leave the infirmary, she had wandered the streets of Trost aimlessly, deliberately wasting time to ensure that her comrades would have already gone to bed before she set foot into the building.

Antonia knew that her avoidance was childish, and yet she felt utterly satisfied with herself as she made her way across the compound. As far as she could tell, the commander's office was the only room illuminated. She could well imagine that Erwin, diligent as he was, would still work at his desk at this hour.

Relief flooded her when she noticed that the front door was unlocked, and she briefly wondered whether Erwin had known that she would return some time today and this security flaw had occurred purposely. Or maybe he just was not as paranoid as Shadis had been. After all, there was not much to steal from the survey corps. Everything of value was carefully locked away, only accessible to those who inheld higher positions in the corps.

As she quietly closed the door behind her, she realized just how good of an idea it had been to come back at this time. This way, the empty hallways and the almost eerie silence that filled the whole building was less overwhelming – she could just imagine that there was more than just a handful of them left, that they were just asleep as well.

When she passed the dining hall, she saw that its door was slightly ajar, and a faint light that she had not noticed from the outside shone through the gap.

Hange was probably getting a midnight snack. Sometimes, the brunette forgot to eat during the day and only realized that she was hungry at night.

But Antonia did not feel like talking to anyone, so she slowly tiptoed past the hall, hoping that her squad leader would not hear her and engage her into a lengthy conversation.

Her evasive tactic might have been pathetic, but she honestly was beyond caring. She felt pathetic. And she was not too proud to tiptoe through the hallway like a little child that was up beyond its bed time, if this strategy ensured that she could just sneak into the dorm room that she would now occupy all by herself, and not face anyone until the next morning.

She must have been far too loud.

Maybe it was due to her still not being fully recovered, after all, her body still hurt with every step. Or maybe he was simply eerily perceptive. Be that as it may, her attempt to pass unnoticed failed.

In addition, and much to her shame, Levi was already standing in the door frame. Apparently, he had opened the door silently before she even registered that he was there, watching her as she made a fool of herself by sneaking past the room.

She felt her heart skip and then sink.

It was probably unfair, but he was the last person she wanted to talk to right now. She was not ready for facing him. She had not come up with the right words for this conversation, let alone the right mindset.

He was gruff, and painfully honest and she was just painfully fragile right now.

What if he told her that she had been to incompetent, too weak to save anyone? What if he threw anything at her that she already accused herself of?

She would have preferred to walk into Miche who would have just nodded at her to show her that he took notice of her presence and then proceeded with whatever he had been doing. Who would not comment on her existence.

"You look like shit."

Or on the way she looked.

Antonia stared at him dumbfoundedly, unsure how to process his greeting. The plain rudeness of his statement somehow felt amusing to her. But at the same time, she also felt anger rise in her chest like heartburn.

There were few things she hated more than being angry. Whenever she lost her composure, she could be sure that she'd feel like a fool afterwards. Plus, she had never been eloquent or original when she gave in to feeling provoked.

"Thanks Levi. I appreciate that. You know, the light here really brings out the rings under your eyes."

She wondered what on earth she was doing.

If he took offense by either her words or her snarky tone, he did not show it. In fact, he completely ignored her words. Instead, he scrutinized her face.

"How are your ribs?"

She wondered if this was his way of being polite or maybe, albeit the idea felt rather bold to her, of showing that he felt concerned. The anger vanished and she felt cold and defeated again.

"A lot better, thank you. I should be able to train again soon."

He nodded.

"Thank you for getting me back." She told the floor.

"No problem."

Antonia actually doubted that it had not been a problem. But there was another thing that she needed to address. She started gnawing on her lower lip.

"When you found me, did you –"

It was just like she had feared. She was heavily unprepared for this conversation. She did not have the words – and she did not have the voice. The hoarse sounds that came out of her throat died mid-sentence.

The pause that followed her attempted sentence made her worry that he would wait for her to finish her question. That he had no idea what she was trying to say.

But when she opened her mouth again, hoping to ask his boots what had happened, he finally replied.

"When I found you, you were stuck between two thick branches in the middle of a big ass tree. The titan was trying to whack its way through to you. Not too close from it, I saw parts of ODM gear lying on the grass. I killed it and cut you out of there."

Something in the monotony of his voice caused her eyes to shift from his shoes up to his face.

"Parts of ODM gear?" She echoed, her voice hollow.

"The titan had already killed them before I arrived."

As she watched him drop his gaze, she suddenly wondered if he might feel like he had somehow failed them as well.

The thought increased the guilt she felt remarkedly. Unlike her, Levi had not been responsible for saving her squad. In fact, he apparently had gone out of his way to help them. And she could not help wondering why.

"Hange said you disobeyed the commander's orders."

"Not directly. The whole formation was a fucking mess and I just took a detour without coordinating it with Shadis. It doesn't matter now, anyway."

Antonia nodded. "I see."

And yet, she could not let it go.

"Why did you do it?" She asked without meeting his eyes. "It hardly looks like the most rational thing to do. It actually was highly risky to go back just to look for… three people that had gone missing."

"So?" Suddenly, his voice sounded even colder than his usual monotone pitch.

Antonia did not know what to reply and kept her eyes on the collar of his shirt. It looked freshly ironed despite the late hour.

"After your horse found us, Hange said that you most likely ran out of gas by now. There was a slim chance that you might still be alive. That's it."

But that still did not answer her question. In addition, she wondered if he had been equally disappointed as her upon finding out that she was the only one that made it.

"But why –"

He cut her off.

"Do you wish I hadn't come after you?"

When she finally mustered up the courage to look at him, she saw an emotion in his eyes. Annoyance.

"I chose to do what I would not regret." He walked past her and threw a glance over his shoulder before leaving her alone with her grief.

"Try not to drown in your survivor's guilt."

Afterwards, she had mostly evaded him.

And since Levi was not actively reaching out to her to chat, she could tell herself that her behaviour did no harm in good conscience.

She knew it was immature, but once she had started, it was hard to stop.

At least by herself.

"Erwin wants to see us!" She felt a firm grip on her upper arm and carefully looked upwards at the brunette's enthusiastic smile.

Hange had told Antonia and the rest of the squad earlier that they could take the rest of the day off because she had some things to discuss with the commander. The thought that they might have talked about her felt more than unnerving to her.

"Us?" Antonia felt alarmed "Why us? I mean, you're the squad leader and -"

As she tried to stand her ground, the pull on Antonia's arm increased.

"Things are going to be a bit differently under Erwin's command, you kind of got a promotion!"

She had forgotten how much strength Hange could conjure up once she had set her mind on something. If her squad leader's stubbornness could move mountains, it could certainly get Antonia to move.

"But Hange, I really don't want to be –", she opposed as she stumbled after her.

"Oh, don't worry, you're like my personal assistant now. Lately, I've just had too much on my plate. Erwin's fine with that."

Antonia was not sure if this was a real position. But she was sure that she did not want it.

"It basically means that you help me organize things, which you already do, and that you'll attend those meetings with me and the other squad leaders," Hange explained happily as she dragged her up the stairs.

"Do the other squad leaders also have assistants?"

Instead of an answer, Hange shoved her through the door that lead to Erwin Smith's office.

"You're late, four eyes."

The first thing she noticed was that the other squad leaders did not have assistants.

The second thing she set her eyed on was Levi. The small man was standing close to the window and eyeing the brunette that had come to a halt next to him dismissively. His glance rested on Antonia for a second, void of expression as always, before he turned his head to watch the premises through the glass. She made sure to avert her eyes just as quickly.

Erwin was seated behind his desk and greeted them with a smile, whereas Miche Zacharias who sat in front of him only bothered to turn his head and nod to acknowledge their presence. Miche rarely spoke and rarely smiled.

She wondered what they had talked about before their arrival. The thought of Erwin engaging both Miche and Levi into small talk seemed rather entertaining to her.

"Well, I had to fetch Toni here –"

"That's not a problem" Erwin smiled at them. "Please sit down"

The office that had formerly been occupied by Shadis did not look too differently than how she remembered it from the last time she had set foot in there. Antonia thought that Erwin was too much of a pragmatist to change any of the furniture to his taste. What she did notice though was that all the bookshelves were now filled and that the documents on his desk had been set there in a very orderly fashion. She could not make out the titles of the books, but she assumed that they ought to be educational. Erwin did not seem like the type to read for enjoyment.

There were four rather comfortable looking chairs in front of his desk and Antonia wondered if they had added one of them just for her. She knew that she should be grateful for the privilege of being invited, and yet the gesture did not contribute to her feeling less out of place.

Hange sat down next to Miche, and, after briefly hesitating, Antonia chose the chair next to her, and forced herself to refrain from slouching, despite her desire to make herself smaller. It would have been rude to show that she felt far from comfortable with the position she had been put in.

She had failed to escape Hange's grasp and now it was too late to oppose.

She decided to compose herself and tried to force a neutral and interested expression on her face.

"I have been informed that the royal government has decided to set up a mission to retake Wall Maria. 250.000 people will be sent in spring."

Antonia stared at him in wide-eyed disbelief.

Even if all the branches came together, there simply weren't so many soldiers. Plus, planning such a risky operation in such a short time seemed ridiculous.

"So, this is how they will deal with the food shortage?" Levi's voice sounded like ice.

Antonia began to understand. People, not soldiers.

"Yes, they will be sending civilians. Mostly citizens that have become refugees. Like I have already mentioned to some of you", his eyes briefly rested on Antonia, "our line of work will change dramatically. We will be setting up supply points to support the planned operation."

He could not be serious. Antonia knew Erwin well enough to be sure that he knew that this operation had no hope for success. Levi was right, everyone they sent there would die.

She threw a glance at Hange, knowing that she could not be the only one in doubt about what was going on. Her squad leader seemed to be deeply in thought, an unusually serious expression on her face.

"That means we're going to support this shitty plan?"

"I am as aware of how flawed this plan is as you are. However, we don't have a say in this. Our opinions do not matter to the capital. Yet, it essential for the future that we set up a supply route to Shiganshina district, regardless of how the operation turns out."

"You're right, Erwin." Hange had suddenly come back to life "there is nothing we can do against the government's plan. But we will have to seal the wall at some point. And until we've figured out how to do it, we better make sure to have everything we need until we are ready."

If Erwin was surprised by Hange's acceptance, his face did not show it. He nodded briefly and opened his mouth to speak. Hange, however, was faster to take the floor.

"In addition, I would like to propose to use future expeditions to capture some titans in order to better-"

Antonia flinched at the sudden change of topic and then suppressed a sigh.

This was one of the aspects she never really understood about Hange. The past field research had resulted in them knowing the titans' only weak spot. There was no other way of killing them and there definitely was not a way of talking to them about their history. There was no point in taking the risk of capturing and monitoring one of them.

And apparently, she was not alone with that opinion.

"We have discussed this, Hange." Erwin cut her off.

"I know we have only managed to capture a titan once and that it costed us a lot of lives, but –"

"Hange."

As Hange sulked next to her, Levi dropped down on the vacant chair to her right with an audible thump that startled her. She had not heard him move.

"So, Erwin, how will we be going on about this supply route?"

She watched Erwin unfold a map on his desk.

"The shortest route to Shiganshina district goes through Trost district. However, we will not only establish supply points among the main road" His pale fingers moved in a straight line between the two districts. "Instead, I have marked several positions on the map that seem strategically relevant for when we use the long-distance formation to reach Shiganshina district. As you can see, there are several landmarks, spread out to both the East and West…"

Antonia noticed on mark not too far South from the Forest of Giant Trees. Apparently, Erwin had been busy ever since the fall of the wall Maria. And by the looks of it, he had a plan of keeping them busy as well.

But as Erwin continued to disclose the details of his plans, she could not really focus on his words, instead, her thoughts went back to the operation to retake the wall.

And when the meeting officially came to end, Antonia could not bring herself to walk through the door like the others had done. With her fingers still remaining on the handle, she took a deep breath before shutting the door and turning around.

"Yes, Antonia?" He looked at her with mild interest, polite and yet distant. He had been like this for as long as she could remember, his emotions always concealed behind a professional mask. She wondered if this was what it took to be considered for a leading position.

"I would like to talk about the operation you mentioned, again."

He waited for her to continue.

"From what I've gathered, we are all convinced that it's a suicide mission, so I was wondering if there really is nothing that we can do." She hated how weak her voice sounded.

"I understand your frustration, but like I said, my hands are tied. The best we can do is to follow the plan for the next expeditions so that the people may have a better chance."

A better chance.

"Do you think they will just do as they are told, Erwin?"

"Anything else would be considered treason and punished by the military police."

Antonia nodded, feeling stupid and defeated, and angry. The world was cruel, and they were powerless.

"Thank you for your time, Erwin."

When she closed the door to Erwin's office, she saw Levi leaning against the wall opposite to her with crossed arms.

She hesitated before walking towards him.

"Have you decided to stop avoiding me?" Antonia felt the blood rush towards her face and prayed that he would not notice. She decided to ignore his question.

"Do you also want to talk to him?"

"No. What did the two of you discuss?"

She grimaced.

"I asked him if there really wasn't anything we could do to stop this suicide mission. And of course, there isn't."

She thought that he would comment on her naivety, but instead he nodded.

"The pigs that live in the interior don't want to share their wealth. They'd rather sacrifice those whose homes have been destroyed instead of risking a mass starvation and a civil war among the citizens who produce all the goods they enjoy."

He was right. Antonia grinded her teeth.

A frown had appeared on his face. She watched the wrinkles that had formed on his forehead and the crease between his eyebrows.

"I hate being so powerless." She muttered.

They stood in silence for a minute, then he reached out, placed one hand on her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze before walking off without another word.

Author's Note: While I'm happy with its length, I'm not so sure how I feel about the structure of this chapter and the "flashback" part in the middle. I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts :)