849.
From afar, she watched Hange gesture widely before turning to Levi with an excited grin on her face.
While Antonia was close enough to see their facial expressions, she could not make out the words they exchanged.
It was a sunny day and the citizens of Trost had gathered on the streets to stare, or rather, glare, at the survey corps as they made their way towards the gate. Antonia felt their scrutinizing eyes upon them as they whispered to each other about how their tax money fed them.
At least they were no longer counting their heads in order so state how many of them would return at the end of the day. Since the corps no longer moved beyond wall Maria, the mortality rate had decreased. They were familiar with the land between Maria and Rose, which was undeniably an advantage when dealing with regular titans. Abnormal ones, of course, were a different story.
Antonia chose not to make eye contact with any of the people who lined the street they were passing through like a despised parade. Instead, her gaze remained fixed on the two squad leaders.
The black-haired man shot the woman next to him a brief glance with his usual stoic expression. Antonia's eyes remained glued on his face as he moved his lips. Whatever Hange had asked him, his answer seemed to dissatisfy her. Her squad leader threw up her hands in dramatic exasperation. Levi, however, appeared to remain unfazed.
"You're staring."
Atonia felt all colour leave her face as she slowly turned around to her red-haired comrade. But before she could open her mouth to deny anything, she noticed that Nifa had not addressed her.
Waves of relief washed over her. She would have wanted to curl up and die if she had been caught staring at Levi.
Nifa's smug grin was directed at another person and Antonia was sure that with the way he blushed, he would never hear the end of it. Next to her, she could hear Keiji's low chuckle.
Poor Moblit, she thought.
Nifa's observation was not unsubstantial, she thought. She had also noticed the way Moblit had been looking at their superior lately. But Hange, in return, was painfully oblivious that she had become someone's centre of attention.
Her squad leader had her mind set on other things. Those things being titans, of course.
"You two should get it together. We'll be leaving the wall within the next minutes." Rashad reminded them.
It was good that Rashad was such a conscientious person. Nifa and Keiji immediately sobered up and looked at the gate in front of them. Albeit not before sharing another amused grin with each other.
The 49th expedition of the survey corps was about to start.
"I'm gonna ask him again!"
Moblit and Antonia exchanged helpless looks. There was no use in trying to stop Hange when she was like this. And yet, Moblit seemed to feel like he had to.
"Squad leader, wait!"
When his words fell on deaf ears, he quickly got up and hurried after Hange who goose-stepped towards the tent where Erwin was supposedly contemplating their next steps.
Poor Moblit, Antonia thought once again.
Antonia watched the two of them leave her sight and laid back on the grass to watch the clouds pass above her head, hoping to get the most out of this short rest before they would proceed to the next point on Erwin's map.
So far, they had been fortunate enough to evade most titan encounters. But it should not be long before the titans in the area would sense that there was a considerable number of humans in the terrain that they had, albeit unconsciously, infiltrated.
She threw a glance at Miche who stood on a rooftop to watch out for potential threats. He did neither seem to feel too comfortable, nor too alarmed.
Nothing to worry about for now. She decided to close her eyes for a bit.
Yet her peaceful rest did not last very long. Not even five minutes had passed when Hange, with Moblit on her trail, came back to where she had stretched out.
Apparently, Erwin, usually a man of impeccable patience, had decided to not sacrifice any more of his precious time and rejected Hange's proposal almost immediately. Antonia could not blame him; she had lost count on the number of times Hange had brought this up.
"I can't believe he still refuses to let me capture a titan."
Her squad leader was fuming.
Antonia decided not to comment on the issue. She knew that it was impossible to talk to Hange when it came to this topic. Especially If she did not want any of that wrath directed at her. Moblit, however, was not that wise yet. Or maybe, he simply was more generous with his energy that she was.
"You should not have talked like that to commander Erwin, squad leader, he is your superi-"
"It doesn't matter what and how I say it, he simply refuses to hear me out. If he did, he would see that this is essential for the sake of humanity." She paused for a moment, "and don't patronize me, Moblit."
Ouch, Antonia thought.
Finally, Moblit seemed to have come to a similar conclusion as Antonia. He did not oppose. Instead, he let his shoulders hang low and kept his eyes fixed on the ground, looking defeated.
Poor Moblit.
"What do you think, Toni?"
Antonia suppressed a sigh. This was once again a conversation that she was not eager to have.
"I think capturing a titan would require a lot of planning. We'd need to come up with a strategy to corner one on its own and to find a way that gets neither the titan nor one of us killed. I'm not saying it's a generally bad idea, but right now, the scouts have more important things to do."
"Sometimes, you're awfully boring, Toni."
Antonia shrugged, not really taking offense. Compared to Hange, almost every single one of them was boring. Most of them gladly so.
"You know that I do have a point, right, Hange?"
Her squad leader opened her mouth, not unlikely to oppose her claim, when their attention got caught by something else.
"Guys?" Moblit's voice sounded unusually stern as he pointed towards the sky.
Shit.
Miche had fired a flare gun.
"Let's get ready" Antonia got up and turned towards Hange, but the brunette had already jumped up and was on her way to the horses.
"Apparently, we aren't fun to talk to, Moblit" She offered him a half-hearted smile.
By now, she could hear shouts echoing throughout the premises, telling everyone to prepare for riding again.
Overall, the timing wasn't too bad, Antonia thought, at least they had set up the supplies where Erwin wanted them to be. Maybe they could do a longer rest once they reached the next destination.
Moblit, looking rather nervous, commented her assessment with a short laugh. "I guess we really are bo- ", but the rest of the sentence got stuck in his throat.
"What's wrong?" Antonia looked towards where he was staring with wide eyes and saw Hange galloping away from the stables, heading for the forest where some tree crowns were shaking.
Her heart sank.
Being on your own in titan-infested territory was one of the worst things that could happen to a scout. There weren't many soldiers among them who could pull off a solo kill. But even those would wholeheartedly agree that voluntarily riding towards a titan on your own was simply unfathomably stupid.
Surely, there were people in the scouts who would be able to survive for a longer time if they were to find themselves alone outside of the walls. But despite her brains, Antonia doubted that Hange was not one of them. Especially not when she planned on capturing a titan.
Without a second thought, she ran towards Liam and untied him from the fence. The horse did not look very enthused about having to part from the bucket of water that stood in front of him, but he complied with her doings. Maybe he sensed her distress.
Still, she had lost precious time. Hange was already far ahead when she had finally swung herself into the saddle. She could only hope that her squad leader would slow down.
But even if she managed to catch up with Hange, she would be confronted with the real challenge. Getting her to stop before it was too late.
She urged Liam to gallop as fast as he could.
As she tried to decrease the distance between her and Hange, she could hear shouts behind her, but she could not make out the words over the sound of Liam's hooves hitting the hard ground.
"Hange!" she shouted from the top of her lungs – please wait for me – "Stop!"
Either Hange did not hear her – or she did not want to. Antonia watched the brunette getting closer and closer towards the forest that stretched out in front of them.
This was really bad.
Antonia all too vividly remembered the last time she had chased someone back into the woods.
She remembered the blood-stained boot she had seen and the relief on Ben's face when he had noticed that she was there.
The sound of his voice, his precise words, the eyes of the titan, Ben's weight on her back as she gripped her shoulders, the blood-stained boot.
The eyes of the titan, as blue as the sky.
The relief and hope on Ben's face when she found him.
The blood-stained boot.
Antonia remembered how she had failed them.
These memories usually waited until the exact moment that she decided to fall asleep until they showed up in her mind, making her heart clench and her hands and legs tremble. They were discreet in their timing and tormented her only when she was not busy, when she was trying to rest.
Antonia grinded her teeth and tried to focus on busying her brain.
She could not allow herself to succumb to the paralyzing feeling of hopelessness. She could not allow herself to give up without having tried.
It was a gamble, but were the odds really that bad?
Objectively, being in the woods was as good as being surrounded by buildings. The trees offered them the advantage of using their ODM gear.
The downside of the forest was that it was excessively hard to remain one's sense of direction, especially when following some who rushed forward as heedlessly as Hange.
But that would be fine, Antonia told herself, Erwin would send someone to find them.
The past would not repeat itself; she would not lose Hange.
Her squad leader was still within sight. Once she reached the woods, she would be able to use the omni-directional gear to close the distance between them. Once she got within reach, she would be able to fling herself on her squad leader and to drag her back towards the others.
It might not have been a flawless plan, but it was the best she could come up with.
"Antonia!"
She heard a faint shout coming from behind her. She did not have to turn around to identify the voice, but when she did, she saw that Levi had not come on his own, but with his whole squad in tow.
"Turn back!"
While each and every single member of the special operations squad was undeniably a better fighter than she was, they still were far behind her, and thus even further behind Hange. Despite all their talent, their horses were just as fast as the others.
It might have been only a matter of less than a minute, yet this time could be crucial for Hange's fate.
Antonia pretended to not have heard him and instead waved towards them.
"We got this!"
She waved again, feeling guilty. She did not like lying to Levi. In fact, she dreaded it. Somehow, she felt like he could always see right through her bullshit, as he would phrase it. Perhaps she was simply a bad liar, and he was the only one rude enough to confront her with her ineptitude. If that was the case, maybe waving her hand was less incriminating than using words.
By now, Hange had disappeared in the woods. Antonia dashed towards the trees that had swallowed her from her vision and got ready to use her ODM gear.
Once she got close enough, she flung herself up in the air and followed the sounds of galloping hooves that had gotten awfully hard to make out. She had to be faster if she wanted to catch up to her squad leader.
I can do this.
Her use of gas was utterly reckless – so much for learning from your mistakes – but she could now hear Hange's voice echo through the woods.
She's talking to a titan.
Once again, her adrenalin shot up. Saving gas did not matter, she decided, with the special operation's squad not too far behind her, they would get back somehow.
If Hange was talking to a titan, she most likely deemed it within hearing range.
Daringly, Antonia pushed forward, caring as little about the twigs brushing against her as she cared about keeping track of how often she changes direction, when suddenly, Hange stopped shouting.
She landed on a branch and listened intently. She had to ensure that she would go in the right direction. This time, she would get there in time.
The silence made her nauseous. Her heartbeat hammered so loudly that she worried it might drown out any sounds that might tell her about Hange's whereabouts to her ears.
When someone landed next to her, she got so startled that she lost balance. An iron grip on her left upper arm prevented her from falling.
She had forgotten how extremely fast he was with the ODM gear. Maybe she should ask him to teach her how to accomplish this ridiculous speed.
"You almost gave me a heart attack, Levi.", she muttered without looking at him, her eyes frantically searching the woods in front of her for a sign of her squad leader.
The grip on her arm did not decrease in its intensity and when she finally looked at his face, she saw that his grey eyes had turned into slits. He was furious. And some of that anger was directed at her.
"We'll talk about this later. Where did she go?"
"I'm not sure. She-"
They could hear a squeal followed by faint laughter and with that, Levi's hand on her arm disappeared.
"You ride back to the camp. That's an order." And with that he jumped back down. A rustling sound behind her informed her that his subordinates had caught up to him.
A few seconds later, they passed her, their faces determined and serious. Antonia felt glad that they were too hurried to throw her any judgemental looks.
She felt like an idiot with a tunnel vision. And a nervous wreck.
She shot one last glance after the special operations squad and then began to whistle, hoping that Liam would find her quickly.
Moblit's face was the epitome of anxiety.
Antonia was sure that hers did not look much better.
"They will bring her back"
She hoped that her voice sounded more confident than she felt.
She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but her comrade did not even look at her.
"They are the special operations squad, after all" said Lauda while patting his back.
Antonia nodded in agreement.
And felt utterly hypocritical while doing so. With each passing minute, the likelihood of any of their comrades' safe return got less likely.
And it was dangerous for them to remain in one place for too long.
The whole camp was on edge. If they lost two of their squad leaders and the special operation's squad, it would be a particularly grim day for the scouts.
And Antonia would have lost even more people that she deeply cared about. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, as if she was cold, gripping her left upper arm, feeling both anxious and pathetic.
"I should have been more supportive," Moblit's voice was so low that Antonia was not sure whether his words were directed to their squad or if he was talking to himself, "I only criticized her."
Antonia had never heard him speak like that.
"Stop that," she said, trying to sound empathetic, "it was Hange's own decision to storm off and none of us are to blame for that. The special operations squad will bring her back and then Erwin will criticize her," a sinister smile appeared on Antonia's face, "and Levi, too. You telling her to be careful with her choice of words is going to be a walk in the park compared to that."
In response, Moblit offered her a shadow of a smile. She decided that this was a win. She really was not good at cheering people up.
It felt like each second that they spent in anxious silence stretched for hours.
But then, after what felt like an eternity, she saw people riding out of the forest.
One, two, three, four, …
Five.
Six.
Antonia finally exhaled. She noticed that she had held her breath while counting.
They made it.
Next to her, she heard Lauda and Moblit sigh in unison.
"Thank goodness." Nifa breathed.
As the figures grew close enough for her to make out their faces, she could see that neither of them looked happy.
As she came to a halt next to them, Hange seemed to look right through the members of her squad. "Squad leader, are you alright?" Hange did not even seem to register that she had been addressed.
Antonia frowned. Something bad must have happened.
Levi, on the other hand, was fuming. The expression on his face was as dark as a black hole, yet his eyes were burning with barely contained rage. Antonia avoided meeting his gaze as he dismounted his horse.
Instead, she turned towards the other four returned soldiers as they got off from their horses.
Gunther did not seem too pleased with the unplanned trip to the forest, although he looked far less scary than his captain, Antonia thought as she saw how his lips were pressed into a firm lime.
The blond man next to him Eld, who was usually impressively relaxed, looked rather pale as if he had seen a ghost.
'Did they encounter an abnormal?', Antonia wondered. She could not really imagine a regular titan giving them a fright – killing titans seemed more like a thrill, a playful competition even, to them. They were capable and efficient, and they knew it, so there was no harm in making a sport out of it.
But Hange might have quite possibly thrown them off their game. She was less predictable than an abnormal titan.
Antonia threw another glance at her squad leader – who still seemed to be only physically present as Nifa, Lauda and Moblit tried to ask her what had happened. She wondered if Hange had hit her head. Or if Levi had hit her head.
"She's fine.", Levi snapped and shut down her squad's questions. Yup, definitely fuming.
Behind Eld, Oluo and Petra appeared within her sight.
They looked downright terrified.
Petra kept her arms crossed over her chest and Antonia could not help but thinking that the young woman was trying to give herself a comforting hug.
Oluo's chest rose and fell with rapid breaths and his hands, still holding the reins of his brown horse, were trembling.
She would have thought that seeing Oluo, who usually bragged so loudly about his skills and accomplishments that it would entertain the whole dining hall (at least, whenever his captain was not around), in shock, would please a small part in her that she was not too proud of.
But instead, she simply felt concern rise in her chest.
"Are you guys okay?"
"Of course!" Sometimes, she thought, Oluo was like a stubborn child. His voice sounded unnaturally high-pitched, and he had spat the words before she even finished her question.
"Oluo almost got killed. And we found something in the woods." Petra offered in a flat voice, meeting neither Antonia's nor Oluo's eyes.
"I see", Antonia answered lamely. "But none of you got hurt?"
"We're fine.", Oluo grumbled, apparently returning to his own self.
"Good. You said you found something in the woods?" She looked at Petra questioningly.
"A body from an expedition. From last year." Petra shuddered.
"Oh." Antonia could not think of a better answer.
"A titan had put it in a tree."
What?
"Ilse Langner. She left a diary." The sudden appearance of Hange's voice next to her made her jump.
When Antonia looked at her superior with furrowed brows, she could see a fire burning in her eyes that she knew all too well.
"She wrote that the titan spoke to her."
What?
"Have you hit your head, Hange?" She asked cautiously.
"No, four-eyes is not delusional for once. It's all in the diary."
What?
She was lost for words.
"We better report to Erwin." Levi nodded towards the commander's tent and once he started moving, Hange and his squad quickly hurried after him.
As she followed them with her eyes, she saw that he was carrying a cloak and a small brown notebook in his hands.
"So, that's a lot to process," Nifa offered with a crooked smile, but her comment did not erase the tension that hung in the air.
"So, tell me."
Antonia almost winced at the coldness of his voice and when she turned around to face him, she could see that he was indeed pissed.
She had just exited the stables after picking Liam's hooves and feeding him some carrots she had snuck out of the kitchen after dinner.
Antonia realized that she had allowed herself to be lulled into a false sense of security when a day passed without him confronting her.
She thought that he would have forgotten about the incident. With the contents of that diary being the number one subject among all of them. Antonia inwardly scolded herself for being naïve.
Of course, he would find her here. So predictable.
She should have known that he would not let her off so easily.
"Why did you ignore me?"
Unconsciously, her fingers wandered upwards to her throat to play with her necklace. She knew that it was childish to deny it, but the words left her mouth before she could really think this through.
"I didn't hear you."
She watched him furrow his brow and his grey eyes appeared colder than usual to her. The type of grey that she found aesthetic in storm clouds – as long as she saw them through the window of her room, preferably lying under a warm blanket in her bed.
"I highly doubt that."
She hesitated – and the right moment for a good excuse went by unceremoniously.
Antonia was aware that he was in a higher position than her and that she, as a soldier, should have listened to his orders. She knew it was wrong to feel entitled by the fact that she had been in the survey corps longer than him. It had been her choice to refuse taking a similar position. And yet, she could not help feeling bitter.
"You're right. I am sorry for acting out of place," she could not withstand his gaze, "I won't ignore your orders again, Levi."
The temperature seemed to drop even further. Apparently, she had said something wrong.
"This is not about some stupid ass hierarchy. This is about you losing your shit and acting reckless."
She nodded. He had a point.
"Don't throw your life away for unnecessary shit like that."
Antonia frowned. Unnecessary?
"You do know that some people in the corps are more important than others? Hange's talents are an asset that we cannot risk losing."
"That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that me and my squad could easily get her back and that you ignored that because you seem so eager to die."
Anger began to boil in her veins.
"I'm not eager to die. And what do you mean 'easily'? I thought Oluo almost died."
The remark was as necessary as it felt satisfying.
"And you knew that was about to happen when you ignored me?"
Antonia opened and closed her mind again. She was losing this battle, and, along the way, she was succeeding in making a fool of herself.
"No, of course not," she muttered, accepting defeat.
"Sort through your survivor's guilt," his voice sounded almost kind and when she looked at him, she thought that the light must have played a trick on her, since his gaze seemed not hard and judgmental, but instead empathetic.
"Feeling bad won't bring them back and neither will dying."
The lump building in her throat made her lower her gaze.
"Alright," she croaked, "I won't be reckless anymore. And I'll trust in you and your team."
"Good."
As she looked up, his facial expression was as blank as ever. Several seconds passed in silence before Levi turned around and left. Antonia could not help wondering if he had wanted to say something more.
Auhtor's Note: I am sorry for not updating sooner, life got in the way. Thank you so much for returning to this story despite the long wait - and I would also like to say thank you to those of you who favourited, followed or even took the time to leave a review!
Since one of you asked: We will be reaching the year 850 and thus the Battle of Trost District Arc in chapter 16. :) I haven't drafted out anything beyond the next two chapters, but I assume that the pace of this story will pick up since I will be trying to closely follow the canon (which I think is pretty fast-paced).