Disclaimer: Still don't own Grey's. Not a native speaker, never have been and probably never will be. Don't hesitate to correct me on any mistakes you might or might not find.

People expect from us as doctors to be focused 100% of the time. And we should be. But we are also just humans and as anyone else we need time to rethink. The only difference between us and house painters is that when they use the wrong mixture of colors most of the time they'll be able to overpaint it and if they have to think for a second longer or show their uncertainty it's okay, the wall won't care. But a patient will.

-Dr. Härtl

"She's back asleep," Dr. Monroe said. Relief wandered through the room like a blow of air.

"How the hell did this happen?" Dr. Härtl wanted know.

"I'm not sure yet. We gave her the usual dose for the general anesthesia, so her body probably overly degraded it," the anesthesiologist suspected.

"Okay, I've got to replace most of the metal plates and screws so could someone please give Dr. Shepherd an update, tell him we are going to take a few hours longer than initially expected and fill him in on what happened?" Dr. Härtl requested. He hoped that there hadn't been done any unfixable damage while she was awake.

He had to take out most of the plates he had already placed and her spine hat shifted a bit so he made sure to bring it back into its usual position. He also accessed all of the possible damage done to her spinal cord and then started to replace all the metal plates and screws.

It was an exhausting surgery. Due to the earlier incident it didn't last for the expected five hours but rather for ten. And there was always that fear, that she'd wake up again. After he had informed Derek. Dr. Härtl was finally able to find an on-call room and get some sleep.

Derek sat down in Meredith room in the recovery ward and took her hand into his. She was still intubated. Since they had to give her a stronger sedative, it also took her way longer than usual to wake up.

When she finally did wake up, she fought the intubation tube and was therefore choked again. It threw her back into her memories from the surgery and again she had that utterly terrified look on her face. A nurse quickly came and extubated her but those few seconds were pure terror for her.

"Hey Mer, it's okay you're fine," Derek reassured her.

Meredith stayed silent for a second and then broke down crying: "I felt their hands inside me. I felt how they touched my spine. I heard the screwdriver drill into my bone and then I heard them yelling with such uncertainty." Her body was shaking with the sobs going through it.

Derek quickly put down the side bar of her bad and then carefully moved her a bit to the side. He laid down next to her and cautiously put his arms around her. She continued to sob until she finally fell asleep.

Dr. Härtl came in a bit later to check up on her, but Meredith was still asleep. "I don't want to wake her," Derek said, "she was so terrified when she awoke, it seems as if she remembers everything."

"Okay, I think we should definitely send in a psych consult later, to make sure that she doesn't carry any lasting damage from it," Dr. Härtl replied, "We can first take her for new scans, then she can sleep a bit longer but after that I'll have to do the exam."

Meredith dreamed of what had happened. At first, she only felt some light pressure, then she was aware of movement actually happening inside her. She couldn't purposefully move or give any other signal to show, that she was awake. When she had opened her eyes, she saw the confusion in her doctor's eyes and although he regained his focus quite fast. Those images of uncertainty and yelling were the ones which stuck. The smell of her own blood and the sound of the driller making its way into her spine also remained. In her dream she was bound to a table, a dining table. She tried to run away, but she couldn't. Then there was a person with a usual household screw driver. That person seemed very insecure. He yelled around and then placed the screw driver onto her back and drilled through her flash. She felt every single millimeter that he went into her body and was just begging for him to stop but he wouldn't. He didn't notice her. He just continued. She was now screaming, she just wanted him to stop.

Derek pulled her out of her dream, because he did hear her scream. She was soaked in her on sweat and in deep utter shock. Dr. Härtl was standing in front of her, which made her only more afraid.

"Hey Mer, It's okay. I'm here. You're okay. It's over, everything will be alright," Derek soothed her.

"I, I can't," she stammered.

"Do you want to clean up," Derek asked.

She gave him a nod still staring at Dr. Härtl. "I can get you a wash cloth," the surgeon said, leaving the room. When he was back he only gave Derek the cloth and then left again, telling Derek he'd be back in half an hour.

As Derek helped Meredith out of her gown she was crying. How did this happen? He tried soothing her put it didn't really help a lot. Derek knew that she'd need professional help eventually but all he could do right now is be there for her and try to give her as much support as possible.

He rubbed the washcloth along her body which seemed to help. Until he reached her back. She slightly flinched but then let him continue.

Dr. Härtl came back 20 minutes later. Meredith was again laying in Derek's arms.

"Okay Meredith, I know this is an uncomfortable situation but I have to perform your Exam now. Would that be okay for you?"

"I guess." Meredith cautiously freed herself from Derek's grip, who then helped her sit up.

"Please tell me, when you need me to stop. I'll try to walk you through everything I am doing."

When he approached her, he said: "I'll touch your back now, would it be okay if I lift up your shirt?"

Meredith gave him a nod although she was clearly at unease. As he continued with his examination Meredith jumped a bit once in a while but she tried as best as she could to hide her feelings. Though that didn't make them go away. Derek saw that she was about to cry the whole time but didn't say anything. She wanted to be strong, but avoidance is not always the best way of dealing with a problem.

AN

Took me bit longer to finish this chapter than expected. I'm through with my last exam for this year tomorrow but I don't know if or when I'll update again. Follows, favors and especially reviews can be very motivating : ) Also just realized, that I've been writing this for over a year now.