Just a little trigger warning before we get started...
* Self harm and suicidal thoughts *

If these are a trigger for you, skip the sections marked through the story.

Enjoy!
(And perhaps get the tissues ready)

Monday morning dawned bright and cheerful but as Maddie crawled out of bed to begin her day, she felt anything but either bright or cheerful. Bonham's bail hearing was set for later that morning and though she knew she had to be there to support him she didn't know how she was going to hold it together enough to face him.

Flicking the light on, she blinked for a moment as her eyes adjusted then wearily stumbled over to her wardrobe and began to look for something to wear for the day. She didn't care what she wore but knew she needed to make herself look half presentable when they went to the courthouse and so after a moment of debate, laid out a suitable outfit on her bed.

Boxes were already stacked in her room, half her things having already been packed up the day before. Everything was moving so fast she hadn't had a chance to blink or even catch her breath… By tomorrow they would be gone from here. Never to return to Walker ranch.

It's your fault.

Even the reflection in the mirror in front of her seemed to taunt her and she had to turn away from it as she buttoned up her shirt. With the last couple of days the last thing on her mind had been her own health but seeing the haggard girl she was seemed to fit the occasion. When was the last time she'd eaten anyway? What about sleep too for that matter…

Thankfully, most of the family had seen fit to give her some space though she knew exactly what they were thinking.

They blamed her.

If only she hadn't offered to do the feed... Bonham would have done the feed instead and would have seen that the grain was bad. He'd have gotten rid of it and none of this would have happened. Cordell would have been able to ride Chopper and would have won. They would still have their home. Ace would still be alive. Skylar too for that matter.

She quickly brushed a tear from her cheek at the thought of the old palomino, flicking her hair back over her shoulder as she fumbled with numbed fingers to do up her top buttons. No. It was in the past now. The only thing that mattered now was going forward. Somehow, someway, she would make it up to them all. She couldn't afford to wallow in self pity any longer.

Abeline was already up as she stepped out of her room, her grandmother carrying some more items to pack up. 'You're up early Mawline.' Maddie remarked.

'There's too much to be done to stand around doing nothing.' She sighed softly, carefully sitting down some photographs onto the couch to be packed up. 'The removalists will be here at seven to start moving the furniture.' She grabbed some newspaper from the stack and began wrapping the first photo frame. 'How are you going with packing your room?'

'It's getting there.' After a moment of debate she stepped forward, picking up a photo frame and a piece of paper. 'How did you go finding agistment for Bel and Dakota?'

'Found them a spot at Briar Ridge, an equestrian center an old friend of mine runs.'

'That's a relief.' She finished wrapping one frame and placed it down into the box before picking up another one. 'When will we take them there?'

'I've organized Liam to trailer them over this afternoon.'

Maddie nodded. 'Thank you. I really didn't want to have to leave them here.'

'I guess with… everything…' Abeline paused for a moment. 'The least Gale could do was let you keep your own horse.'

'There's something to be said for small mercies, I guess.'

Abeline added the frame she'd wrapped to the pile then turned to her granddaughter again after a time. 'Bon has been asking about you.'

She froze for a moment when she heard that. 'Yeah?' She asked cautiously after a moment.

'Wants to know how you're holding up.'

'How are any of us holding up these days?' Maddie questioned. 'What did you tell him?'

'Just that you're doing the best you can be, considering the circumstances. He's worried about you.'

'His worry would be better spent on himself then on me.' She replied coldly, placing the photo frame she'd wrapped up carefully into the box, picking up another. 'I'm fine.'

Abeline caught onto the tone of bitterness and anger in her voice but didn't say anything. 'You better go tend to Bel and Dakota. We'll need your help later and you'll need to have all their gear ready to go.'

Maddie nodded and finished wrapping the last frame up before starting outside. Heading over to the pasture she walked past a couple ranch hands, her head down so she didn't look at them. She couldn't bring herself to look at them as they waited for her father to speak with them. What did they think about this whole thing? They were losing their jobs today. Just seeing them there was another reminder it was her fault…

She took a shaky deep breath, stopping at the gate. 'Come on.' She called her horses but there was no joy in her voice, not even when both of them cantered up to her. Normally on even her worst day seeing her horses running would put a smile on her face but not today. Letting herself into the pasture she closed the gate, waiting for the mares to come to her. 'Hey Bel.' She greeted her mare with a pat as she stopped in front of her, Dakota not far behind. 'Hey Kota.'

Both horses eagerly accepted the sugar she offered them and followed her to the shelter, waiting outside as she organized their feeds. As she dumped the pellets into Dakota's bucket, her phone vibrated with a notification and she pulled it out of her pocket.

She frowned as she saw it was a notification from Facebook and as she opened it, realized that both of her public pages had blown up with comments overnight. Unsavory comments about her family… Of course… She realized as she read through a few of the comments. The news just had to announce this didn't they…

Anger washed over her reading what people had commented. They didn't know her. They didn't know her family… Without either the energy or want to deal with it right then and there she just turned off the comments and Facebook notifications as well as her silencing her messenger account and stuck her phone back in her pocket.

What they had said hurt but she swallowed back the lump in her throat and picked up the feed dipper again, scooping the rest of Dakota's feed into her bucket. She wouldn't cry over a few comments… She had more important things to worry about than the opinions of some keyboard warriors. Like how she was going to face her grandfather…

She hadn't seen him since Saturday just before the race.

He'd told her to kick Dan's ass and what had she done? Stopped and helped him when he'd fallen off his horse. Look where kindness and doing the right thing had gotten her. Had he extended the same courtesy towards her when she and Bel had fallen?

No.

Speaking of that fall… She winced as she picked up the buckets, her shoulder still giving her a little trouble. It had taken until yesterday morning for her to realize that she'd been pretty bruised and she knew she was lucky she hadn't been seriously hurt or even killed.

Bel had fallen on top of her for crying out loud.

She hadn't told anyone in her family about that though. She'd be fine. It was only some bruising... Their worries were better spent on Bonham then her when she was the one who let them all down.

Bel and Dakota dug into their breakfast and with the horses fed she went back into the tack room to begin packing away their gear. She didn't have too much over in the shelter's tack room, most of her gear was stored up in the main barn. After packing everything she had there up she decided she'd deal with the rest of the gear in the barn later and started back to the house.

The removalist trucks were already in the yard when she walked back across the lawn and she stepped aside to let them bring out one of the book cases before heading through the front door. Was it really after seven already? Stella and August were inside the house, August walking around with his headphones on and phone in hand while Stella helped pack away what she could.

'There's some breakfast on the bench over there for you Maddie.' Abeline stated as she joined her in the kitchen. 'Heated you up a couple sticky buns.'

Even the promise of her favorite dessert did little to lift her mood or appetite. 'Thanks Mawline.' She forced a smile onto her face. 'Anything I can do?'

'You can eat breakfast for a start.' She glanced over at her. 'When's the last time you had something to eat?'

'Don't remember. The last couple of days have been a bit of a blur.'

'Then sit down and have breakfast. Having you making yourself sick not eating into the bargain won't do any of us any good.'

With the look that Abeline gave her, Maddie resigned herself to her fate and took the plate from the bench before sitting down at the island to eat. She didn't have the energy to argue with her anyway, all the fight she had left inside her having dwindled away to nothing.

'You got the horse's gear packed?'

'What I've got over in their shed, yes. Rest is in the barn. I'll have to grab that out later…' She let her sentence trail off as she slowly ate her breakfast. 'Haven't really wanted to go back in there you know…'

Abeline glanced up at her sympathetically. That night when they'd gotten home and Geri had told them what had happened she knew having to put Skylar down would have been hard on the girl. Maddie had a real bond with Skylar. It was on her she'd learnt to ride. It hadn't been easy for Cordell either, or Stella and August learning about Skylar. Skylar had been a link to Emily and now she was gone too.

Liam walked into the room and Abeline looked up from the bags she was filling for the ranch hands. 'How's it coming with the prep?'

'One thing I just don't understand:' He lowered his voice as a couple of removalists walked past. 'why did Dad bury that lantern? It was the murder weapon.'

'Because he didn't know what it was.' Abeline replied simply. 'But what he did know is that lantern has brought this family nothing but pain for years. Good riddance. Now, could you please sit down and eat? You need to be at your fighting weight to bring your father home today.'

Home? Maddie scoffed mentally, her eyes stinging as she sat with her head bowed, slowly working away at her bun. What home?

'Right?' Abeline questioned as she looked at him.

'Yes Mama.' Liam agreed with a nod and resigned himself to a seat beside Maddie. 'Have your things for Bel and Dakota ready to go, when we get back from the hearing we'll need to load them up and take them over to the Equestrian Center.'

She nodded. 'It'll be ready. Thank you for helping me move them.' Abeline brought over a plate of toast for Liam and handed it to him before starting back on the gift bags. 'Uncle Liam…' She started softly as she placed down the rest of her bun. 'Is Grampa going to jail?'

Abeline and Liam shared a look for a moment then Liam turned back to Maddie. 'If the judge grants Dad bail then that means he'll be able to come home until the trial.'

'But I mean… Grampa didn't do it, did he? He didn't kill Mr. Davidson.'

'No honey.' Abeline replied firmly. 'Your grandfather is innocent.'

'But they could still send him to jail even though he didn't do it, can't they?'

'Maddie.' Liam placed his hand on her arm. 'I'm not gonna let that happen, okay? We're going to find out the truth about what happened.'

Maddie nodded, gingerly picking away at her second bun.

Abeline looked over at her. 'What's brought this on sweetheart? You know Bon didn't do it.'

Refusing to look at either of them she pulled her phone from her pocket, flicking up her Facebook and placed the phone onto the table.

Liam picked up the phone, anger etching into his expression as he scrolled through the comments. 'You've had people harassing you?'

She nodded as Liam handed her phone to Abeline. 'They've been sending me messages too.'

Abeline sighed heavily, shaking her head. 'Maddie, I know it's hard but don't worry about what they're saying. We know the truth.'

'I know.' She replied softly after a moment, her phone going back to Liam. 'But that old saying about the sticks and stones ain't true. Words can hurt.'

'You know what-' Liam said firmly. 'Leave this with me. I'll deal with it later. I'll write a post or something on your behalf and that should put an end to it. Keep the comments turned off for now.'

'Already done.' He handed her back her phone and she slid it into her pocket. 'I wouldn't be surprised if it gets me kicked from the Makeover.'

Abeline looked at Liam. 'They can't do that, can they?'

'If they try to based off this, they can deal with the Walker family lawyer.' He looked back at Maddie. 'Try not to let it get to you, okay?'

Maddie nodded, forcing a fake smile. 'Alright.'

'That's my girl.'

'I better get the rest of my gear together then.' She exclaimed as she stood a moment later, the rest of her bun in hand. 'Thank you for breakfast Mawline.'

Abeline smiled at her as she headed for the door. 'Your welcome darlin.'

Cordell had the ranch hands gathered around the front of the barn as she walked past, Maddie carefully slipping by without anyone noticing. Chopper let out an excited whinny upon seeing her and a sad smile touched her lips as she stopped to give the horse a pat. 'Hey boy… You feeling better?'

While they had lost both Ace and Skylar, the other horses that had come down sick were well on the road to recovery. Thankfully too, none of the other horses in the barn had coliced, the vet attributing it to either they hadn't eaten enough of the bad grain or pure luck. 'Glad you're doing better.' She whispered softly to him, running a hand up his forehead. She hadn't stepped foot inside the barn since she'd put Skylar to sleep…

As she stood there with Chopper, Cordell's conversation with the ranch hands floated through the open door. '...How do you end an era almost one hundred and fifty years in the making? I don't know the answer to that, and the man who would have the answer to that can't be here…' Hearing the little bits and pieces of his speech that she could threatened to bring fresh tears to her eyes but she held them back, gazing into Chopper's kind brown eyes.

'I never meant to make you sick.' She whispered softly to him, his ears flicking back and forward as he listened to her. 'I'm sorry.'

Though she knew she had work to do, she lingered. Being there, just standing gazing into his eyes, she could almost forget everything that had happened over the last couple of days.

Almost.

At the sound of someone angrily shouting and a voice not belonging to her father, she frowned, stepping back to the open door to see what was going on. One of the ranch hands was letting her father have it and she was about to step forward to go defend him when the next words he spoke cut her deeply.

'... You let a fifteen year old child,' Marcus yelled angrily, pointing a finger at the man standing in front of them. 'And a girl for that matter, race for a million dollar ranch! What do you expect would have happened letting that bastard whelp of yours ride? You weren't even man enough to get on a horse and instead let that kid take the fall for your own gutless hide…'

Maddie gasped, her hand coming to her mouth as tears came to her eyes. She'd thought Marcus was her friend. He'd helped her start Bel when no one else had been around to watch her and that was really what he thought of her? Though she heard Cordell giving the ranch hand a mouthful she didn't stay to listen, tears streaming down her cheeks as she ran through the barn. With everything she had been struggling with, hearing what he had said was what finally broke her. In a spur of the moment decision she picked up one of Bonham's leather knives off the table on the way through the tack room, exiting the barn out the back door where no one would see her.

*TW for Self Harm and Suicidal thoughts.*

She didn't stop running until she reached the quarantine yards, her vision blurred with tears as she hurried through the gate and into the adjacent shed. Sobs wracked her body as she sank to the ground beside the sink, hugging her knees against her chest with one hand holding tightly to the knife. She'd been trying, trying so hard to hold it together all morning but those words, those cutting words from someone she thought was her friend… She wasn't able to hold it back any longer.

Her jeans were rolled up with shaking hands and through blurry eyes watched as she drew the sharp knife across her leg. Crimson welled from the cut, rolling down her skin… With each cut she made it was driven home that she was worthless. Useless. Nothing but a disappointment. The most important race she probably would ever run and she lost. Her best hadn't been enough.

Not to mention that it was her fault the horses got sick.

It was her fault Ace and Skylar were dead.

Those two horses didn't deserve to die because of her...

By the time she had finished her legs were a bloody cut up mess, blood pooled beneath them on the concrete floor. The knife dropped to the floor as she buried her face in her blood stained hands, tears of frustration and anger pouring down her cheeks. Her father was right. He had been right her whole life. She was worthless. Useless. Not deserving of love. He knew she would never amount to anything and she had proved him so damn right. She couldn't even win a simple horse race for the family that she loved and adored…

Minutes ticked by as she cried and it was the ringing of her phone that brought her back to reality. Her hands were still shaking as she drew it out from her pocket, seeing through teary eyes that it was Liam calling. Not trusting her voice to answer she declined the call and sent him back a short message to say she'd be there in ten minutes. They had to leave soon. Leave for Bonham's bail hearing.

Thinking about her Grampa brought with it those horrible comments people had said to her, threatening to bring on fresh tears and she had to restrain herself. She'd already wasted enough time here sobbing like an idiot. She had to go… Had to get ready… Wrangling her emotions under control once more she shakily dropped the knife down the crack between the concrete and the wall. He wouldn't miss a single knife… She wiped her eyes, her vision clearing as the tears stopped flowing and a sickening feeling settled in the pit of her stomach seeing the damage she had done to herself.

Again.

Another reason why she was just a worthless, adopted, bastard whelp.

She couldn't even deal with her emotions like a normal human being.

The room spun slightly as she struggled to her feet, pulling herself up on the basin. As the water flowed over her hands, washing the blood away, she wished for the first time in her life that she could vanish just like the blood disappearing down the plug hole. If she hadn't been here, those horses wouldn't have been given moldy grain. Ace and Skylar would still be alive. Cordell would have been able to win the race on Chopper, not watch this disappointment he called his daughter lose their family ranch, their legacy, to their arch nemesis.

For the first time in her life, she wanted to die.

She turned off the sink as her hands were washed clean, her eyes lingering on the crack she'd pushed the knife into. It would only take a few cuts, just a few across her wrists and the world would be relieved of the burden that Maddie Walker was. It would only be a few moments of pain then she'd sink into that peaceful darkness like she had before. By the time that she was found in the shed there wouldn't be anything that could be done…

No.

A voice said loudly, jolting her out of her thoughts. She spun around, expecting to find someone standing in the doorway but the only thing there was the heavy wooden door. She had heard it though. Had heard a voice…

It distracted her from her dark thoughts long enough for her to realize she had to pull herself together and get back out there. Her family would be waiting for her and the last thing she wanted or needed was for them to come in and find her dead in this bloodbath. Her head finally cleared a little she stepped away from the sink and reached for the cabinet where the first aid kit was stored.

The blood was wiped away.

Her jeans were rolled down.

Maddie Walker stepped out of the shed once more.

*End of major trigger section, Self Harm mentioned a couple more times below*

Maddie squirmed uncomfortably in her seat between Stella and August, the air in the truck thick as they headed into Austin for the hearing. A single tear trickled down her cheek as she stared out the window. She was so ashamed of what she had done. Of letting those words hurt her deep enough to drive her to cut.

If her family knew, if they found out, it would just be something else they could call her a failure for.

A disappointment.

That's all she was anyway these days.

She'd chosen to wear black jeans after what had happened knowing that if her cuts were to bleed it would be visible. The last thing she wanted was to have everyone find out what she had done. It was embarrassing enough that they knew she self harmed but at least they didn't know it had been recent. She'd been clean for ages, months in fact…

Liam stopped the truck in a parking space in front of the court house, Cordell pulling into a spot behind him. Maddie climbed out of the truck, her face devoid of emotion as she forced her mask into place to hide the pain she felt. Not just the emotional and mental pain she was going through but the physical as well. The blood she felt trickling down her leg reminded herself just how much she hated herself. Despised herself. Maybe the world would be better off without Maddie Walker in it…

Maddie followed her family into the courtroom, taking a seat between Abeline and Stella as they waited for the hearing to start. Cordell sat at the end, fiddling with his hat and she looked over at him for a moment before her attention diverted to an interesting loose thread on her jeans. She hadn't spoken to him since Saturday morning. Since he had found out that she had been the one to feed the moldy grain.

Bonahm was brought in, those in the room standing as the judge walked in then sat once more to listen to the proceedings. The room was pretty vacant except for Bonham's family and a few journalists that she knew were going to be very interested in the events that would play out. Gale was there, of course, sitting prim and proper in her seat and Denise of course was up the front.

For the first time in her life, the flicker of hate began to burn in her heart.

She hadn't thought it at all possible that she could ever hate someone but when she looked at them, she utterly despised them.

She hated them.

'Bonham Walker is guilty, Your Honor.' Denise started as she rose to make her statement. 'He perpetrated a fraud and not just against my family, but the people of this city. Twenty-five years the Walker family have built a business, a legacy, on their good name. In the coming weeks, we will lay out witness testimony, financial transactions and evidence that prove the defendant was inside the barn at the time of Mr. Davidson's murder, struck him in the head with a lantern, and then buried his murder weapon so that his crimes could never be unearthed. Well, I am sorry, Mr. Walker, but your twenty-five year old fraud is over.'

Maddie glared at Denise's back as the D.A took her seat again. If looks could kill, Denise would have spontaneously combusted before she could have said her second sentence.

Liam stood. 'Well, that was a remarkable string of fiction about everything other than why we're here, Madam D.A.'

Maddie couldn't have agreed with him more.

'Thank you so much for that. Your Honor, this is very simple. A sixty-eight year old man has been charged on very thin evidence. This man has no priors. Not only is he innocent, but he's definitely not a flight risk-'

'He's not a flight risk?' Denise scoffed. 'He was just out destroying evidence last week.'

'He tossed out a twenty-five year old lantern.' Liam glared at her. 'Can we please stay on planet earth?'

'Of course, of course. He was just casually burying his own murder weapon.'

'Your Honor, if the Defense is not able to finish a statement…'

'Mr. Walker is correct.' The judge agreed. 'D.A. Davidson Miller… Tighten it up.'

'Yes sir.'

'Thank you, Your Honor.' Liam said, nodding at him. 'You know what, while we're at it, why don't we discuss this very wild conflict of interest? If the D.A won't proactively recuse herself, then the Defense will be filing a motion for disqualification. Can the bench please step in here?'

'There is no state law that specifically prohibits me-' Denise started, quickly being interrupted by the judge.

'I don't want to hear it.' He said firmly. 'You're not going to prosecute your own father's murder, Madam D.A. The Defense's motion is granted.'

'Thank you, Your Honor.' Liam replied as he took his seat again.

'This will be the last hearing on this matter.' The judge said as he looked over at Denise. 'Now, on the matter of bail.'

Maddie crossed her fingers, seeing Abeline out of the corner of her eye bowing her head for a prayer.

'Given the previous attempts at destruction of evidence, bail is denied.'

Silence fell for a moment as it sank in, Bonham standing to be escorted out of the room again. Maddie glanced up at him for a moment as the officer cuffed his hands behind his back again, their eyes meeting for a brief second.

Maddie looked away, unable to meet his gaze.

He had every right to be ashamed of her.

He was taken out, Cordell standing and leaving without a word to any of them and the rest of the people in the room began to rise to leave. Liam came over as they stood, speaking to Abeline for a moment before handing the keys to the truck to Stella.

'Go wait for us in the truck.'

Stella nodded and took the keys, Abeline and Liam leaving. The three Walker kids walked out together quietly, none of them speaking until they were seated in the back seat of the truck again.

'Well…' August let out a huge sigh. 'That went well.'

'Yeah, bout as well as how the last few days have been.' Maddie huffed, resting her head back against the headrest. 'Either of you two just wish this was a nightmare we could wake up from?'

'Don't I ever.' Stella agreed as she pulled her phone from her pocket to start scrolling through Facebook. 'Hey…. What's up with your page?'

Maddie looked over, seeing that the first post that came up on Stella's feed was her last training log of Dakota's that had blown up. 'Yeah… Guess that's what you get for having a public profile.'

'You need to tell someone about this-'

'Uncle Liam's going to take care of it.' She sighed. 'After everything else. I've turned the comments off for now so…' She let her sentence trail off as she looked out the window. 'I don't have the energy to think about it right now Stel, just scroll on by.'

Silence fell between the three Walker kids again, Maddie still staring out the window when Abeline and Liam finally emerged from the courthouse. Now it was time to go home and pack.