The inside of the building was dark and cold. On a sunny day, the light that came in through the dirty windows might have made it look less ominous, but with the heavy rain clouds blocking any ray of light, all I saw were shadows and indistinguishable shapes in the further parts of the room. The front desk on the left side of the room was broken on the one end as if somebody decided at one point to take their aggression out on it in a pretty violent manner. Right across from it, on the other side of the room, was a wide opening in the wall that led to a sitting area. Its vintage furniture was dusty and unkempt and the upholstery was torn in some places, but I was sure they must have looked elegant once. To the left of the room was a dark corridor, which I had no desire to discover where it led to. Another corridor was across from it, to the right of the front desk. It was equally dark and uninviting. In the middle between them was a staircase to the first floor.
"Look at this place," Elliot said as he looked around the room, "I bet it used to be a nice hotel once. I wonder what happened to it."
"Really? Because I don't," I didn't move from the front door. He turned to me, brows furrowed and a smile on his face. He looked surprised and amused at my aversion to the place.
"Are you scared?"
"No," I said immediately. "I'm just… Creeped out, not scared." I folded my arms in defense.
He kept looking at me for a moment with that smile and without saying a word and I wished I knew what he was thinking.
"Well, it might take a while until the rain stops," he said eventually. "Why don't we go see the rest of the building?" He tried to sound casual, but I had a feeling he was challenging me, trying to test my bravery, seeing if I had changed while he was away. He wanted me to admit that I was scared, and I wasn't planning on giving it to him.
"Fine," I started walking to the corridor closest to the front desk, passing him with what I hoped was an indifferent expression. It was a short passageway that turned into a wider, much longer corridor with doors to the guest rooms on both sides of it. In the middle of the passageway was an open door that revealed the dining area. It wasn't big, but it was better lit than the other rooms due to its large windows.
I continued walking toward the guest rooms with Elliot right behind me. The softness of our steps informed me we were walking on a wall to wall carpet, but there were no windows there and it was too dark to see it or even our feet. Elliot didn't say a word until we reached the first two doors opposite from each other, and he tried to open the one on the left.
"This one's locked," he sounded somewhat disappointed.
"How very anticlimactic," I teased him, but I secretly hoped that they were all locked.
He walked to the door across the hallway and I followed him with my eyes. I didn't want to lose sight of him even for a second because I felt like something bad might happen if I did.
"This one isn't," he said as the door opened and he looked at me, challenging me to come check it out. I dreaded at the sight of the slightly open door without even knowing why, but walked the few steps to it anyway. Hesitantly, I peeked inside as I slowly pushed it open, reluctantly taking my eyes off of him. My heart was racing, but with him right behind me, I figured nothing bad could happen.
There were several dark shapes in the room. In the very dim light that came through the thin curtains, I could make out the bed and what could've been a floor lamp covered in a sheet. I squinted in the dark and took a step forward, still holding onto the door handle as if it was my anchor. On the right side of the room, I thought I recognized a desk and a chair. It looked completely normal. I exhaled, relieved that the eerie feeling I had was all in my head. But then, a sudden movement caught my attention, making my heart pound frantically all of a sudden. I saw it from the corner of my eye first and turned my head quickly to see what I thought at first was a covered lamp, moving toward me with a low gurgling sound. It looked more like the shape of a person now, I realized dreadfully. For a second, I froze, and then I heard the whisper again. Third time's a charm because this time I thought I understood what it said.
"I know you."
I gasped and stumbled back, turning around to get away from it. A terrified "oh!" escaped my lips when I bumped right into Elliot, who was just outside the room. Panting and terrified, I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body into his, closing my eyes tight. The feeling of him close to me reduced my anxiety. My body remembered it from our days as partners and went straight for it.
"What's going on?" he sounded confused. I felt his hands landing hesitantly on my back and pulled my head back to look at him, flustered. I wasn't ready to let go of him just yet. My knees were weak, I was shaking. I needed to calm down, but our faces were just a few inches apart and it wasn't exactly helping to regulate my heartbeat. If anything, it confused me even more, but I had to keep holding onto him for a little longer.
"I– didn't you see it?" I whispered, "there's someone in there!"
Elliot peered into the room over my shoulder without letting go of me. I turned my head back slowly to look, scared of what I might see. The door was wide open, and everything inside the room was inanimate, as it should be.
"There's no one here," he said quietly, trying to be gentle. I appreciated him for not teasing me for being a coward for no apparent reason.
"Didn't you hear it talking?!" I couldn't believe we were experiencing this place in such different ways. It made me wonder if I was going crazy.
"I didn't hear anything, Liv. What scared you so much?"
At the sound of his words, I let go of him and took a step back. If he didn't see or hear anything, maybe I was indeed losing my mind. I couldn't tell him.
"Nothing. It was probably just the wind and my brain playing tricks on me in the dark," I said quickly, trying to even my voice. "Maybe we should go back to the main entrance." With anyone else, it might've worked, but not with him. Even after a decade, he could still tell when I was faking it. I could see in his face he wasn't buying it, but he nodded anyway and started back to where we came from. I walked closely behind him, grateful to have him as my shield. It was one of the things I missed most about having him around all the time. We used to protect each other so vigorously and I missed having that safety net.
I felt relieved when we walked past the front desk again. Elliot continued across the room and into the sitting area through the wide, arch-shaped opening in the wall. There was a large window to the right, and I followed him to it. He looked outside as I stared at the side of his face. The raindrops slammed against the window and slid down, leaving little trails that cast shadows on his face. They resembled dark tears. With his pondering expression, it almost looked artistic.
"Liv, I…" he let out air as he turned to look at me.
I raised my eyebrows in surprised anticipation. Ever since he told me he wanted us to talk about everything we should've talked about when he came back, I've been wondering what exactly he had on his mind. By the time he had said it, I had already resigned to never having a real, honest conversation with him. I thought I had lost the Elliot I knew forever. Now it suddenly seemed like it was urgent for him to have that talk. I wasn't expecting to do it at that moment, but I was glad to. Not like we had anything better to do, anyway.
"I… just…" he chewed on his bottom lip, probably trying to phrase it in his mind before actually saying the words. I wished I could help him. If there was a way to physically pull them out of him, I would've done it. "I know I haven't said much about… I don't even know where to begin."
I just stared at him and he turned to look out the window again.
"Well," I decided to try and help him by giving him a start, even though I preferred to be quiet and let him say whatever he wanted. "I still don't really know why you left without saying goodbye… You were just gone."
His eyes seemed to be a shade darker when he looked at me now. He sighed and rubbed his chin briefly before saying, "I know." When I didn't say anything, he continued. "I'm sorry for the way I left. You didn't deserve that."
I scoffed bitterly and nodded. For a moment I remained silent, hoping he'd continue without my guidance. Elliot just shook his head, looking at his feet with his arms folded. I could see that he was struggling with the past and I wanted to know everything he'd been through since he left, but I also didn't want to push him too much, so I decided to ask a vague question and let him interpret it in his own way.
"What happened?" my voice made him look up quickly.
"You mean why did I do it?" he waited for a second, but I didn't reply. "After the shooting at the precinct, I… I was having a hard time, I guess you could say. I was told it would be really difficult to get my job back, tons of paperwork and Internal Affairs investigations… I couldn't stand the thought of it."
"And you couldn't just tell me that?" I felt angry and it took me by surprise. I was sure I had gotten over it years ago. After he left, I thought about him all the time, but it got less and less frequent as time went by. In the end, his face only appeared in my mind when I was going through hard times. I had wished so badly that he would be there. The need to talk to him would then burn in me as quickly and as sharply as the lightning that was now splitting the sky in two.
"No, Olivia. You know you would've tried to convince me to stay."
"You could've said no."
"No, I couldn't… Not to you."
"That's bullshit, Elliot."
"Come on, Liv…" he sat down on the window sill and watched the rain for a moment before he mumbled, "you were my weak spot."
His words hit my chest like darts, bullseye. For a moment I didn't breathe. I couldn't believe he was telling me that I was his weakness when he was always my strength. I wasn't sure what to make of it.
The rain sounded so loud when we both remained quiet. For a while, I just looked at his face, trying to digest his words. Was he blaming me or himself? I wished he was more clear, but he was never good at talking about his emotions or thoughts.
At one point, he must have felt my eyes on him because he turned his head away from the window to look at me again. He looked like he was agonizing over the matter and it made me feel a little better. I had agonized over it so much, it was only fair he would too.
He opened his mouth to say something but no sound came out. Then he tried again. "Look, I–"
A loud banging sounded from the window as if someone was angrily hitting it with their fist. Elliot jumped on his feet and stood in front of me in a protective way. We both looked at the window in shock. There was no one there. And then it happened again. We jumped another step back, away from the window, still looking for the nonexistent culprit.
"What the hell…?" he said quietly. Finally he, too, was alarmed.
"I told you this place was creepy," I took another step away from him. The words 'weak spot' were still echoing in my head.
He turned toward me and examined my face as he searched through his pockets before he pulled out his phone.
"I have no reception at all," he said, squinting at the small screen.
I pulled my phone out of my jacket pocket and saw that I was in the same situation.
"This is bad. I'm gonna have to talk to my sitter soon. We won't be home by dinner." I tried not to panic. Motherhood had introduced me to new levels of stress and worry I never knew before, even in my line of work, but Elliot hadn't seen that side of me yet and I wasn't interested in it happening now. I didn't want to show any vulnerability.
"We can call from Dorbridge. We'll be out of here soon for sure."
"What if we aren't?" I put my hand on my forehead in desperation.
"Don't you have an arrangement with your sitter in case she can't reach you?"
"Yes, she should call Amanda or Fin, but –"
"There you go. I'm sure it's gonna be okay."
I looked at him irritated. If this was his way of calming me down, he wasn't doing so great.
"You know what? I'm going upstairs to see if I can get reception there," he seemed to be reading my thoughts again. There was a time when all we needed to do was look at each other to know what the other was thinking. Could it be something that stays with you forever, like riding a bike? It comes back as soon as you meet that certain person again as if no time has passed.
"No, don't," I said quickly without thinking and it came out like a beg. The truth was, I was terrified to stay alone at that point, but I still wasn't willing to let him know it.
Elliot frowned as he looked at me, possibly trying to determine if I was joking. The Olivia Benson he knew a decade ago was much braver, much faster. Now, I had so much to lose in life, so much more to fear.
"You need to make a call urgently, right? So let me check it out. Just stay here by the entrance if you don't wanna come with me. I'll be right back." He walked back to the entrance and then to the staircase.
"Fine, but you're making a mistake," I called after him, but he didn't respond to my desperate attempt to get him to stay. I watched him worriedly as he started ascending the stairs, two at a time until he disappeared from sight into the darkness.
The mix of emotions that he had provoked in me was heavy and energy-consuming. It was only the afternoon, but I felt I could already go to sleep. Being concerned about him didn't help. The old fear for his life reappeared automatically in me when he came back, as if it was there all along, lying dormant. The way that I just fell right back into that old pattern amazed me. He was out of my life for ten years, how was it possible that I still felt exactly the same? Now I was also angry at him. I needed to tell him how much he disappointed me when he left. He needed to know how much it had impacted me in the years that followed. But in spite of that, I still loved him just as I did in the past. It seemed that time hadn't healed that open wound, it had just covered it up temporarily.
I started to think that maybe those feelings that ran so deep inside me, were a permanent part of my soul. They trickled into everything I did in life since I met him, shaping who I was now. They were the riverbed in the stream of my being.
The waters that flowed in me had been calm for years, but he was back, and they started to flow again in a different way, a way that was long forgotten but very familiar nonetheless. They were faster, warmer, deeper, more dangerous. But I knew that not everything was going to be the same as before. We couldn't go back to what we had back then. It had to be different this time if we were going to have any sort of relationship.
I looked around the sitting area. A small mirror was hanging on the wall opposite me. All of a sudden I had to check my reflection, or I was drawn to it for a different reason. My mind was completely empty. I just had to get to it. Whatever it was, it was a strange feeling.
The mirror was dirty and the room wasn't well lit. My reflection wasn't clear at all. I wiped the dirt with my sleeve, my eyes focused on the movement of my hand. When it was clear enough, something behind me caught my eye and I inhaled sharply in fear. For a second, I thought I saw a man's reflection behind me on the other side of the room, near the entrance. I turned around quickly, but there was no one there. I kept standing like that frozen, heart racing, waiting for him to reappear, but the place was empty.
I exhaled right before I turned back to the mirror, telling myself that I had imagined him. As soon as I looked in it again, however, I dreadfully realized that he was right behind me. My eyes opened wide in terror, but I couldn't scream. My voice was stuck somewhere deep inside the state of horror I was in. I didn't know the man, but something about him looked familiar. I needed to get it together and call for Elliot or at least scream, but before I could do anything, he grabbed my hair from the back. It was the weirdest sensation, but I couldn't feel his touch at all.
"Welcome home, Detective Benson." It was the most hideous whisper I had ever heard.
When he pulled my head back to gain momentum, it was like my head was moving on its own. He wasn't really there, but I could see him clearly through the mirror, and I could hear him as if he was right there. Then he slammed my head forcefully into the mirror. It all happened so fast, in a matter of seconds.
After that, darkness came over me and I couldn't feel anything anymore.