*TW for Self Harm*
Sometime during the night, Maddie apparently did manage to drift off to sleep for when morning arrived, Abeline roused her gently from her slumber. She was unusually quiet and withdrawn when she rose, only responding when someone spoke to her by either a nod or a couple words. All this time she had hoped that somehow this was all just a bad nightmare but now, folding up the blankets they spent the night under and seeing the empty house, it was devastatingly real.
As Cordell and Liam took the rest of the boxes to be picked up over to the front door, Maddie quietly slipped away to the bathroom with her suitcase. She changed, half attempting to make herself look human with some attention to her hair and makeup to hide the bags beneath her eyes. After four nights of little sleep, makeup was her best friend.
Stella knocked on the door as she was attending to her wounds and she assured her she wouldn't be much longer. Her wounds didn't appear too bad which was a relief but at the same time, seeing them, she wanted to cut again. Needed too…
No.
Not right now.
She forced herself to roll her leggings down after she'd cleaned them, leaving the wounds undressed now so they could scab over. She didn't have time to cut. The urge would need to wait until later.
Like she had the day before she slipped into black jeans then gathered her things and headed out. 'I want to see Chopper before I go.' She whispered softly to Abeline as her grandmother packed the last few things away. 'Can you make sure that Bubble's litter tray and stuff gets into the truck please?'
Abeline nodded. 'Did you get much sleep?'
'I'm fine.' She assured her without answering her question. 'I'll be out in the barn.'
Bubbles was finished with her breakfast when she walked into the laundry and after placing the cat's harness and lead on, headed out to the barn with her cat in her arms. It was quiet when she walked in, as if the horses themselves knew that something was amiss. 'Hey boy…' Chopper came to the door of his stall, sniffing gently at the cat in her arms as she gave him a pat.
Lingering with him a moment she then proceeded to stop and say a goodbye to the horses she'd spent time with since coming to the ranch. There was Dusty, a buckskin gelding that she'd spent quite a few hours on doing cattle work, Bingo, a gray mare she'd borrowed a time or two. Buster, a young horse that she'd helped to start who had given her a rather hard time when they'd begun. Zadey, another young filly which had been the first young horse Bonham had let her help train.
When she came to Skylar's empty stall she stopped, her fingers running over the mare's old head-collar and lead left hanging on the hook beside the door. A moment later she picked it up, looping it over her arm. The Davidson's wouldn't miss a halter.
Her phone vibrated as a message came through but she didn't bother to check it. It would only be one of them telling her they would be leaving shortly. After saying goodbye to Chopper one last time she entered the tack room, going over the list of instructions she'd painstakingly handwritten for the care of the horses. With her family being involved with Bonham's court case and such, the care of the sick horses had fallen to her. There was no one else to look after them. Though Chopper and the other horses that had been sick were well on their way to recovery they still needed extra care for the next few days. Not only that, but she highly doubted any of the Davidson's had the brains or the know-how to look after the livestock on the ranch. The best chance she could give them was to leave instructions for what needed to be done and hoped for their sake they'd manage.
The papers were in order and when she was satisfied she hadn't forgotten anything, she headed out. Starting over to the truck however she stopped for a moment. August was over at the alpaca yard, saying goodbye to Little Hoyt (who wasn't so little anymore) and her mom Bounty.
'Mind if I come join you?' Maddie questioned softly, Bubbles resting in her arms as she walked over to the pen.
'I was just leaving anyway.' August replied while giving them both one last pat. 'Just saying goodbye you know.'
She nodded. 'Been saying that all morning…' She said with a soft sigh. 'Still doesn't feel real somehow in a weird way.'
'Sure is though.' He climbed out through the fence, noticing the halter and lead-rope she was carrying. 'Forgot something?'
'It's not mine. Thought you and Stella might want to keep it.'
August saw the nameplate when he stopped beside her. 'Skylar's halter.'
'Yeah…'
'Thanks Maddie.' She smiled sadly as she handed it to him. 'Stella and I made this for mom's birthday when we were little, with Grampa's help. I didn't even remember to grab it.'
'It's a good thing I saw it in the barn then.'
'Yeah… I'm ah… I'm gonna head up to the truck. Dad and Mawline are just giving the place one last walk through to make sure we haven't forgotten anything.'
'Alright. I'll be there soon too.'
August left and Maddie gave Little Hoyt a pat as she stuck her head through the fence. Lingering for a moment she looked over her shoulder towards the house and saw Cordell walking out to the truck. It was time to go.
Bubbles sat on her lap, Maddie looking out the window as they drove out the gates of Walker Ranch for the last time. Her eyes misted a little watching the scenery passing by. She never had really appreciated the ranch, their home, for what it was until it was gone.
She watched until the ranch was out of view then lent her head back against the headrest, staring blankly at the road ahead.
What was next for the Walker family?
Maddie sat at the bar, Bubbles on her lap as they waited for Liam to return with Bonham. Mika had messaged to see how she was doing which she appreciated and replied to with her usual lie I'm fine.
She knew she wasn't. Abeline knew she wasn't. Her grandmother had been hovering over her most of the morning and while that usually brought her comfort having Abeline to lean on, it only brought her more pain these days. They were all too kind to say it out loud. The biggest elephant in the room and no one wanted to talk about it.
Her fault…
Cordell's words had been playing over and over in her head ever since they'd found Chopper down Saturday morning. It hadn't just been what he'd said, it had been his tone and the look on his face too. She couldn't bear remembering the look in his eyes. All she'd ever wanted to do was have him be proud of her and in one moment of not stopping to realize the feed was bad, she'd ruined everything she'd worked so hard for.
When she'd offered to race it was a chance to make it up to him. To make everything right again. She thought-her eyes began to mist as she fiddled with a coaster- she actually thought she had the chance to make it right. She'd lost. Lost so damn brilliantly by only half a stride because she had stopped to do the right thing when Dan had fallen.
And that damn saddle…
She knew she was lucky to be alive after that fall. Even luckier that she hadn't been seriously injured. Bel had literally fallen on top of her, something she had left out when she'd spoken to Geri. Obviously Geri had recounted what she'd told her to her family for no one had asked her what had taken place during the race. She could have given up after that fall but no. She was a fighter. She had to make what she had done right. If anyone had seen the fall, they wouldn't have blamed her for quitting. At the time though, she hadn't realized she'd been hurt. Now though, nice purple and black bruises decorated most of her left side, the side that had landed on the ground.
That pain though paled in comparison to know just how much she'd let her father down. How much she knew she had let each and every one of them down.
Damn those Davidson's.
Damn the stupid race.
Damn the stupid rule in the contract that had said the race couldn't be canceled or moved forward.
Damn the rule that forced her to ride. The one where it was stated that if either party was a no show or unable to ride, the land would forfeit to the Davidson's.
Yes, it had been added to make sure that those yellow-bellied cowards the Davidson's were couldn't back out but no one had anticipated the rule would in effect have turned on them.
No one could have seen that the horse their hopes rested on would go down with colic because of moldy feed. Because she had fed him the bad grain…
'Hey!'
'There he is.' Cordell exclaimed, Bonham and Liam walking through the door. 'Daddy.'
Abeline didn't say anything as she hurried towards him, her husband catching her in his arms and swinging her around as he held her.
Stella was there too, Bonham placing his arm around her while the other was still around Abby. 'Hey, little girl.'
'Hi, there.' Stella chuckled happily.
Maddie had hopped off her stool, quietly coming over to join them with Bubbles still in her arms. 'Hey Grampa.'
'Hey darlin.' He smiled at her, reaching out to brush her cheek gently.
She offered a sad smile back at him, withdrawing again as Cordell came to give his father a hug.
'Well, uh… Welcome back Daddy. Y-you know, such-such as it is.'
'All of us together is just fine.' Abeline assured him.
Bonham nodded. 'Amen.'
'Okay, sure…' Stella started, one thing on her mind. 'But like, seriously, what are we going to do for breakfast?'
They all began to laugh at that, Maddie too even having a slight smile touch her lips.
'Well, I think someone is 911 on that bacon.' Liam exclaimed as August returned, holding up takeaway bags.
'You know, I thought we might want to keep the breakfast tradition alive, and I got way too many tacos down the street, so…'
'You-you can't get too many tacos.' Cordell assured him as August placed everything down on the countertop. 'You know that, I taught you that.'
'Hey stinker-' Stella remarked after opening up one of the bags to see what was inside. 'Bacon, egg and cheese?'
'Oh yeah, I got you extra.' He replied good naturedly. 'Stinker.'
'Maddie-' Cordell held up a wrapped package. 'I'm guessing that plain cheese is yours these days.'
'Yeah. That's me.' She said as he handed it to her. 'Thanks August.'
'No problem.'
As the rest of the family settled down to eat, Maddie withdrew to the far end of the bar, nibbling at her breakfast while Bubbles attempted to grab a snack. She looked over at them laughing and joking, unable to find joy in their antics as she once did. No one noticed when she finally picked up her breakfast and cat and left. Even if they had, she didn't think anyone cared enough to follow her. They were just fine without her. This was what it was going to be like from now on. Even though they said she was family she would always be on the outside looking in. She wasn't really one of them and this had really driven that point home.
The beer garden out back brought a quiet solitude, if a little patch of grass with a couple trees in the middle of the city could be called a garden. Her eyes watered as she sat on the grass gingerly eating a couple more bites of her taco as Bubbles stalked a bug crawling in the grass where she'd left her tied up.
Her stomach felt like it was twisting in knots again and she wrapped up the rest of her meal, placing it aside, hugging her knees in close against her chest. The hollowness, the emptiness inside her… How could she act like everything was fine when it wasn't? When she was the reason they had all lost so much?
It only took one act, that one teeny tiny act of Cordell placing the blame on her for the moldy grain for months of hard work to be undone. She hadn't felt this way since her fathers murder. She'd been managing her depression and anxiety well with the techniques and such with her psychologist but it had only taken a couple days to have that all unravel like a loose string in a woolen sock. One tug and everything came apart.
Her hand found her pocket knife cover on her belt, her hands beginning to shake a little as she drew the knife out. If anyone knew, if anyone saw… She knew she shouldn't cut yet at the same time her brain told her it was the only thing that would make things right. It was only right to inflict pain on someone as useless and worthless as herself…
She bit her lip as she drew the knife across the inside of her calf again, watching as the blood welled in the cut and trickled down her skin. She knew she couldn't afford to cut up her legs like she had the day before, she'd been almost crazy and unhinged then. Almost out of control.
No.
These cuts were thought of. Determined. Calculated. Made with her knowing exactly what she was doing.
On her eighth cut she stopped, the sense of calm that washed over her from cutting coming as she watched the blood roll down her leg. It was hypnotic in a way, watching how the blood trickled. The way it flowed from each cut was different…
A shadow was cast over her and she froze, her hand clenching the knife tightly.
'Maddie…'
That single word, spoken with so much concern and pain in it, broke her heart.
Bonham knelt down beside her. 'Honey…'
'I-I'm sorry…' She uttered without thinking, a single sob escaping her. She couldn't look at him. Couldn't bear to see the disappointment in his eyes. She brought her knees back in against her chest, wrapping her arms around them and buried her face into her sleeves. 'I-I-I'm s-sorry.'
'It's okay honey…' He placed his arms around her, gently working the knife out of her grasp. When she'd let it go he tossed it aside out of her reach and held her tight. He wasn't a man to cry but after seeing what she'd done to herself and knowing it must have taken a hell of a lot to drive her to this, tears rose in his own eyes. 'It's okay…'
Maddie let out a single sob then turned, holding onto him like her life depended on it. He kept speaking softly to her, rubbing her back gently. She couldn't hold back any longer, three days worth of emotions pouring out while she was wrapped in Bonham's loving arms.
Bonham held her as she cried knowing that it was his pride in accepting that challenge from Gale that had caused this. Being stuck in that jail cell for the last few days with no company other than his own thoughts had definitely given him plenty of time to ponder his choices. Why he had ever let those damn Davidson's get the better of him he would never know. It wasn't worth it. It hadn't been worth it at all. 'Let it all out sweetheart…' He said gently, stroking her hair, his own voice cracking with emotion. 'You'll feel better darlin.'
Minutes slipped by, Maddie finally falling silent and just lay there exhausted in his arms. 'Nice welcome home hey…' She remarked with a cold chuckle. 'I didn't expect company.'
'I can see that.' He remarked as she pulled away from him, diverting her eyes to look in any direction but at him. 'May I hazard a guess? This ain't the first time.'
'No…' She finally admitted, deflated. 'It wasn't.'
'Maddie…' Bonham paused for a moment, praying for the right words to say. 'It's not your fault, all this.'
'Who else is there to blame? Dad was the one who said it without saying it when he found the moldy grain.'
'Is this what all this is about? What Cordell said out in the barn?'
Maddie bit her lip, watching Bubbles lying in the sun for a moment before looking down at the ground again. 'Yes and no.'
He placed a hand on her shoulder. 'Talk to me honey.'
'It-it's not just that. It-it's everything. I fed… I did the feed and didn't realize it was bad. Ace and Skylar are dead because of me. Dad-dad couldn't race and I did and I lost. I tried so hard-' She couldn't look at him, refused to look at him. 'I-I wanted to make it right and my-my best still wasn't good enough.'
With that weighing on her shoulders it wasn't any wonder she'd slipped back into her old habits. 'You didn't lose the ranch sweetheart. That's on me.' He said after a moment. 'I was the one who accepted the challenge in the first place. The grain, that was just an accident. It wasn't your fault.'
Maddie wasn't convinced.
'Maddie… Look at me honey.' After the longest time she finally turned and met his eye. Gently he caressed her cheek with his thumb, wiping off the last of her tears. 'You tried your best and I'm so damn proud of you for trying. You shouldn't have had this put on your shoulders, I forget sometimes you're just a kid.'
'Yeah.' She sighed softly. 'I hate growing up. Adulting isn't fun at all.'
A faint smile came to his lips. 'No, it ain't.'
'Please…' Maddie turned away for a moment before looking back at him. 'Please don't tell Dad.'
Bonham was silent for a long moment. 'Maddie… Your father needs to know.'
'I don't want to hurt him. He's gonna blame himself for this if he finds out.'
'You and your Dad have a lot in common. Both of you shoulder the blame even if it isn't your fault.'
'So you're gonna tell him?'
'No.' He replied finally. 'But you listen to me Maddie. You need to tell him. You and Cordell need to talk things over. You both have a good relationship, don't let it be ruined by this.'
'He's going to be so ashamed of me.'
'No darlin. Concerned and worried but not ashamed.'
'Are you?' She asked softly. 'Are you ashamed of me?'
'Not at all, little one.' Bonham assured her gently. 'Not ashamed. We might have lost everything but there's one thing left that the Davidson's can't take.'
Maddie looked at him curiously. 'What's that?'
'The love we have for you.'
Her eyes began to fill with tears as what he'd said sank in. 'Grampa…'
'We love you more than you could ever know. Don't ever forget how much we love you.'
'I love you too.'
He smiled, kissing her forehead gently as he tucked a lock of her hair back behind her ear. 'We will get through this. Together. This isn't the end, it's just the beginning. Things will get better. You'll see.'
She nodded, wiping a stray tear quickly away.
'And I don't want you blaming yourself anymore, alright? It's not your responsibility to carry that burden. It was only an accident. It wasn't your fault.'
'You mightn't blame me-' She whispered softly. 'But what about the others?'
'They don't blame you.' Bonham assured her. 'They're worried about you. You've had them all worried about you the last couple days. 'Specially that grandmother of yours.'
'Mawline likes to fuss over me.'
'She sure does.' He agreed with a soft chuckle. 'But no Maddie. They don't blame you and I know your father feels terrible about what happened out in the barn Saturday. You know how hard he tries with you.'
'I know.'
'So why don't we get you cleaned up and you can go back in there and let them know you're okay.'
Maddie nodded again. 'Sounds like a good idea.' Bonham helped her to her feet and took her over to sit down on one of the benches.
'I'll be back in a moment. You stay put.'
'Alright.' She replied with a timid smile, her grandfather heading back in through the back door into the kitchen. A sense of calm washed over her. A calm that went deeper than what she found in cutting. He didn't blame her. He wasn't ashamed of her. He still loved her, despite what had happened. What he had seen her do to herself…
A short time later he returned with the first aid kit and sat down beside her as she began to clean her wounds. Even though she was embarrassed that he'd found her cutting and had seen what she'd done to herself, another part of her was relieved he didn't judge her. That he still loved her for her.
When she'd finally finished, her jeans rolled down and her wounds hidden once more, she turned back to Bonham. 'Thank you. For everything. I-I think that chat was what I needed.'
He smiled at her as she gave him another hug.
'I'm glad you're home.'
'Me too darlin.' Bonham said, placing a kiss on her head. 'Me too.'
'Dad…' Maddie said gently, knocking on the door as her father unpacked in his motel room later that evening. 'Dad, can we talk?'
Cordell nodded, motioning for her to come in and she closed the door behind herself. 'Sure, sure. What-what do you want to talk about?'
'Can we sit?'
He picked up the suitcases off the bed and placed them to the side, patting the mattress beside him as he sat. 'What's up pumpkin?'
Maddie didn't reply and instead began to roll up her jeans.
'Oh Maddie…'
'Gramps found me this morning doing… this…' She said, her voice shaking. 'I-I'm not proud of it. He-he said I needed to tell you. There's been enough secrets around here lately.'
Cordell reached an arm out to her, inviting her in for a hug. 'Come here. Come here baby girl.'
She moved over closer to him, resting her head against him as he rubbed her arm. 'I'm sorry.'
'I-I know you are…' He said softly as he held her close against him. 'You-you want to t-talk about it? What-what's going on?'
'I've been blaming myself for what happened.' Maddie started after a moment, looking up at him. 'About us losing the ranch. Our home. Grampa… Grandpa made me realize it's not my fault but I can't take back what I've already done. This-this isn't the first time I-I've done this. I-I've lied to you Dad.' She bit her lip again. 'You-you thought I've been clean since I-I almost died… That's not true. I-There… There's been times I've cut since then. I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been living a lie.'
Cordell didn't quite know what to say, finding his voice after a long pause. 'How-how many times?'
'Bout eleven.'
'Why didn't you ask for help? Why didn't you say something?'
'I was… scared. Too ashamed for you to know. That song… That song I sang at the open mic night, you remember?'
Cordell nodded.
'I just wanted to be the girl you think I am.'
Maddie sniffled, a soft sob escaping her lips and he pressed a kiss to her head.
'I didn't want you to be ashamed of me.'
'I-I'm not, sweetheart.' He replied after a moment. 'But Maddie… Maddie, honey… Baby girl… Look at me.' She looked up at him, her bottom lip quivering ever so slightly. 'I would never, ever, be ashamed of you. There is nothing you can do that would make me ashamed of you. Sweetheart…' He paused. 'I wish-I wish you had told me. I could have helped you.'
'I'm sorry…'
He could see the look in her eyes that she meant that from the bottom of her heart. 'I know. I know. I want you to promise me something though.'
'What?'
'Promise me, no matter what is going on, you will come talk to me when things are getting hard and you think that's the only answer. Please.'
Maddie bit her lip again, the look of worry and concern mixed with love written on her father's face almost making her cry again. 'I-I promise.'
He smiled at her, his eyes watering. 'I-I love you… So, so much baby girl… When you feel like you want to cut, remember that love. Hold it. Cherish it. See yourself as I see you. You don't have to bleed to make things better.'
'Okay.'
'Maddie-' Cordell placed his hand on her cheek. 'Maddie, repeat after me.'
She gave him a quizzical look.
He returned it with a fatherly one of his own. 'I am beautiful.'
With a soft sigh, she gave in. 'I am beautiful.'
'I am loved.'
'I am loved.'
'I am cherished.'
'I am cherished.'
'I have a family who loves and cares for me.'
'I have a family who loves and cares for me.'
'I am strong.'
'I am strong.'
'I can get through this.'
'I can get through this.'
'I am not alone.'
'I am not alone.'
'I will make peace with myself. With who I am. I will love myself as my family loves me.'
'I will make peace with myself. With who I am. I will love myself as my family loves me.'
Cordell smiled at her. 'Good girl.'
'Do I have to repeat that too?' She asked with a little giggle, the tension in the room easing a little as he laughed with her. 'You really missed your calling Dad. You should have been a motivational speaker.'
'Na… Don't like talking in front of crowds.' He replied with a chuckle then grew sober again. 'Maddie, I know the past few days have been hard… Considerably harder on you then the rest of us. I-I'm sorry… For the part I-I've had to play. There-there are no excuses for how I behaved towards you. You didn't deserve it. It-it wasn't fair to you. Placing the blame on you. No-no matter how grown up you act, you're still my little girl. I-I am to love and protect you. Not hurt you. I-I'm sorry.'
Maddie smiled sadly. 'I think the last few days has brought out the worst in all of us.'
'Yeah… yeah, you're not wrong there.'
'And I accept your apology Dad, though you will have to make it up to me.'
'M-make it up to you? How?'
'Loose a few games of chess with me sometime.'
Cordell laughed, squeezing her against him as he kissed her head. 'Rascal.'
'Mmmhmm. I'm back. Did you miss me?'
He chuckled again, tousling her hair. 'I have.'
Maddie smiled, closing her eyes as she breathed in his presence, Cordell content to sit there and hold his daughter close. She was happy. Calm. Things might have changed but there was one thing she could be assured of that would always stay the same. Cordell's love for her.