TW- Cancer

They told the family that night after dinner, Maddie and Cordell doing their best to hold themselves together as they spoke. Abeline already knew about her cancer, of course, as did Bonham from her telling him but even though they tried to tell Liam, Stella and August as gently as possible, it was still one hell of a shock to them. It was a shock to all of them.

Maddie was plainly in denial at the news as was Cordell. The rest of them were too, just so utterly shaken by what had been revealed. Yes, three percent of patients pulled through but at only three percent, her chances weren't good. At all.

They couldn't believe she had a brain tumor yet Cordell had seen the scans for himself. Seen it there on the computer screen as his mind did its best to process the rest of what the neurologist had been saying. His little girl had cancer. Though their world had been shaken by losing the ranch it had been utterly shattered with this revelation.

How could they accept she was dying?

Yes, they could hold onto hope that she would pull through but with the odds stacked against her…

Her chances were slim to none.

Maddie couldn't sleep, staring up at the roof in the early hours of the morning. She'd tried and tried to get to sleep but it just wouldn't come. She had too many thoughts, too many worries whirling around in her mind to sleep.

Worries.

Fears.

Even with her cat curled up next to her, Bubbles gently purring away, she couldn't relax. She just felt so wound up. So anxious. Angry. She couldn't sleep.

Why?

Why her?

The clock on her bedside table announced it was just after two in the morning. She'd been lying in bed for hours already and hadn't slept a wink.

There was no point trying to sleep here.

A moment later, her mind was made up.

Maddie glanced over at Stella, her sister appearing fast asleep on the bed across the room. Bubbles stirred slightly as she moved the cat aside but she settled after a moment and she quietly slipped out from beneath the covers. Placing her pillows beneath the quilt so that it looked like she was still in bed if Stella happened to wake and look, she cast another glance over at her sister. She slept on, unawares as to what was going on.

Carefully she unplugged her phone from the charger then crept across the room to the door. Her boots were left beside the door and she picked them up then quietly slipped out, closing it behind her again.

The house was silent as she slowly made her way down the stairs, being as quiet and careful as possible. The last thing she wanted was to wake anyone. She just needed some time. Time by herself to think. To process.

Her coat was hanging up on the rack beside the door and she quietly slipped into it before unlocking the front door. As she opened the door she held her breath, hoping it didn't squeak. Thankfully, it didn't and after stepping out she closed it again behind her then put on her boots.

The night was cold and quiet, not a single thing stirring as she headed down the sidewalk to the equestrian center. Streetlights lit the way for a distance then when she turned up the drive to the center, the half moon lit her way.

Horses raised their heads in surprise when she walked into the barn, taking a slight detour to the tack room to grab one of Bel's fleece blankets. The night was cold and though she had on her jacket, she was still chilled. She only had on her pajamas after all and they weren't exactly the warmest clothes for a midnight stroll.

Bel greeted her with a soft snort as she quietly slipped into her stall. 'Hey darlin…' She spoke softly, running her hand down the mare's neck. 'Mind if I bunk in with you for the night, hey?'

The mare watched curiously as Maddie made herself comfortable on the straw, Bel's extra rug from out front being placed down over the bedding before she lay down. The fleece rug was her blanket, Maddie watching Bel in the moonlight filtering in through the window. Her mare came over closer and she smiled sadly as she reached down to sniff her. 'Hey…' A soft giggle followed as Bel's whiskers tickled her cheek. 'Hey, cut that out girl.'

Bel ambled off after a time, settling down to eat from her hay net again as Maddie watched her. Was it just her imagination or did her mare appear a little 'round' these days? She did look like she'd put on a bit of weight in the last couple of weeks and she made a mental note to talk to Mika about adjusting Bel's feed rations and exercise routine.

Her thoughts drifted back to the events of the day, her mind still unable to comprehend the fact she had cancer. That she had a brain tumor that was almost a hundred percent sure to kill her. That if she didn't get treatment, she would die within six months.

How was someone to respond to that?

How were they to deal with the fact they were dying?

How could an adult deal with a diagnosis like that? Yet alone a young almost sixteen year old with her entire life ahead of her.

How?

Why?

A tear slid down her cheek and she brushed it away after a time. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right.

Hadn't she lost enough already?

Hadn't her family lost enough as well?

Why did fate and the universe see fit to want to take her life too?

It just wasn't fair.

So not fair…

She had an appointment on Monday with both the neurologist and a neurosurgeon, the fact that they were getting her in so soon only confirmed the severity of her condition. Time was of the essence, Cordell had explained that to her. The sooner she received treatment the better chance she had.

What chance though?

A chance to live an extra six to twelve months?

She'd be lucky to make it to her eighteenth even with treatment.

Without it though, she knew she'd never have the chance to see her eighteenth.

Now, faced with the very real possibility of death, she wanted nothing more then to live.

Had it really only been a couple weeks since that morning out in the quarantine shed? The morning she had cut. The morning she had contemplated the fact of her existence. The morning she had wished she could die. Had even thought about it. Thought about ending it all.

And now, here she was.

Now, without an actual say in the matter, she knew with every fiber of her being that she didn't want to die.

She wanted to live.

How could she have ever been so foolish as to contemplate taking her own life?

Now, instead of it being by her own hand and at her choice, it was from a mass of cells inside her brain.

She was angry.

Why had the universe seen fit to bring this upon her?

Was it because she had wished she could die?

Was this fates very unsavory way of making that wish true?

No.

Maddie didn't want to die.

She wanted to live.

As Bel ambled back over to her and lay down near her, she made a promise to herself and to her family. A promise that she was going to fight. Fight this cancer with every fiber of her being. If it was going to take her life she'd go down fighting. Faced with the very real possibility of death she realized just how much life was to be valued.

She owed it to herself to fight.

To fight with everything she had to live.

Owed it to her family for thinking her life was something frivolous and not valued. Owed it to herself for even contemplating suicide. How would her family have felt if she had taken her life?

Yes. It had to be the universe's way of punishing her for wanting to end everything.

Faced with death made her realize what a gift it was to be alive.

If she was going to go down it wouldn't be without a struggle.

She would fight it till the end.

Mika was most surprised that morning when she glanced into Bel's stall, seeing Maddie asleep on the straw with her mare laying beside her. A slight smile came to her lips and she quickly drew her phone out, snapping a photo of the cute scene. Bel rose a moment later to come ask for her morning treat as Maddie slept on, completely oblivious to the world.

Giving the mustang her treat, Mika wondered why on earth Maddie was asleep in Bel's stall. Obviously she'd come during the night but why? She looked so peaceful there that she didn't want to disturb her and so after thinking it over for a moment, decided to leave her be and let her sleep. She could look after Bel later.

A couple hours passed and with them, morning. Her duties now finished she returned to Bel's stall, Maddie still sleeping. She glanced at her watch. 6:48. She needed to wake her.

As she went to open the door however, her phone vibrated in her pocket. Upon getting it out she saw she'd received a text message from a very worried Cordell asking if she had heard from Maddie. She frowned, looking back at her sleeping friend. This was getting stranger by the minute. After all, why on earth had she been sleeping in the stall anyway?

She quickly flicked him a text, attaching the photo she'd taken earlier then returned her phone to her pocket. Bel stepped aside to let her into the stall and she walked over to Maddie, kneeling down beside her. Gently she placed a hand on her shoulder, shaking her gently. 'Maddie? Maddie…'

Maddie's eyes fluttered then opened, confusion written on her face.

Mika smiled, waving at her. 'Good morning.'

'What… What are you doing in my room?'

'Um….' She let out a chuckle. 'Take a second look around.'

She did so, the previous night and everything along with it returning as she sat up. 'Oh…'

'Yeah.' Mika began picking the straw out of her hair. 'Hard night?'

'Mmm… You could say that.'

'Why are you here sleeping in Bel's stall?'

'Couldn't sleep at home.' Maddie replied with a yawn as she slowly began to wake up. 'Came down to spend time with Bel.' She shrugged her shoulders. 'Guess I fell asleep.'

'Yeah, it would seem that you did. Come on-' She stood, offering her a hand up. 'You look like you could do with a cup of coffee.' She looked her up and down, Maddie's pajamas covered in straw and horse fur. 'And a change of clothes.'

She took the hand offered to her, resting against her for a moment as the room spun.

'You okay?'

'Yeah… yeah, it just takes a moment for the ground to stop moving when I get up.' Maddie replied as the dizziness passed. 'I'm okay.'

'You sure?'

'Yeah. I'm fine.' She assured her with a half hearted smile. 'So, free coffee you say?'

'And a change of clothes.' Mika added, picking up the rugs from the floor. 'Along with an explanation. Come on, chop chop. No dilly dallying.'

Maddie giggled at that, giving Bel a pat on her way out of the stall. 'Oh my mom used to say that all the time. I haven't heard anyone use that for years.'

'Got it from my mom.' She said, closing the stall door behind them. After the rugs were hung over the rail attached to the front of the mare's stall, they started out of the barn to her apartment. 'That, along with lollygagging. Like what is that anyway?'

'My mom's other favorite saying was 'don't go gallivanting around' and I never could quite tell what that was either.'

'Yep, yep. Had that one too.' Mika led the way up to her room and once she'd unlocked the door, let Maddie in first. 'Now I don't mean to be rude, but the bathrooms that way. Take a shower. You'll feel better.'

'And so will your nose?'

'Well, I wasn't going to say it…'

She chuckled. 'Hint acknowledged.'

'I'll get the kettle on and drop some clothes in for you in a moment.'

'Thanks. Appreciate it.'

When Maddie closed the bathroom door behind her she took a deep breath, swallowing back the lump in her throat. She had to tell Mika. She had the right to know… Was it selfish of her to not want to tell her just yet? To try and forget about it, about everything for five minutes? To just enjoy her company?

Speaking it out loud to her would just make it all the more real.

As she took off her jacket her phone fell from her pocket and she saw the missed messages from her folks when she picked it up. She let out a sigh, hanging her coat up on the hook attached to the back of the door. She hadn't intended for them to realize she'd gone walk-a-bout. She hadn't intended on falling asleep in Bel's stall either.

'You decent?'

'Yeah, I haven't undressed yet.' She replied to Mika, her friend opening the door as she began a text back to her father. 'Dad's worried about me and the rest of them almost blew my phone up with all their messages.'

Mika laughed, placing the clothes she'd brought in down on the bench. 'I'm not going to end up with an angry father on my doorstep, am I?'

'No, no. Dad's just worried is all… with… everything…' She let out a long breath as she placed her phone onto the counter. 'I won't be long.'

'I'll have breakfast waiting. Bacon, scrambled eggs on toast sound good?'

'Yeah, sounds great.' She managed another smile and Mika left, closing the door after herself again. Maddie let out another sigh, looking in her reflection in the mirror.

She looked about as good as she felt.

Plain dreadful.

After a quick shower and washing her hair, she felt slightly better as she slipped into the clothes Mika had lent her. She could smell breakfast cooking, her stomach revolting as she dried her hair. The thought of eating made her feel sick but she knew if she didn't eat, Mika would start asking questions.

She just wasn't ready to let her know the truth yet.

Besides, how did one have that kind of conversation with their friend? Oh, hey, I've got cancer and might only have a year left, a bit longer if I'm lucky? Yeah, great conversation starter. Especially since last night. Telling the rest of the family had been hard enough…

'English clothes suit you.' Mika remarked as Maddie stepped from the bathroom, dressed in one of her Briar Ridge work shirts and jodhpurs.

'I'm partial to my jeans in all honesty.' She replied with a chuckle. 'Got a plastic bag for these?' She asked, motioning to the clothes slung over an arm.

'Sure, bottom cupboard over there.' She pointed with the egg flipper in her hand, Maddie finding a bag as she put the rest of the bacon onto a plate. 'There we go-' She carried both plates over to the table in the center of the room. 'Bon appetite.'

'Looks as good as Mawline's cookin.' Maddie said, pulling out a chair to sit down. 'But you really shouldn't have gone to all this trouble for me-'

'Oh it's no trouble at all.' She interrupted with a smile. 'But hey, what were you really doing in Bel's stall? Argument with your folks?'

'No, nothing like that.'

'Boy trouble?'

Maddie laughed. 'What's boys got to do with me campin out with Bel for the night?'

'I don't know.' She said as she dug into her breakfast. 'You tell me.'

'No, it's not a boy problem.' An eye roll accompanied her reply as she picked up a fork. 'Besides, I haven't spoken to Colton since the whole 'his family took our ranch' fiasco anyway.'

'Do you miss him?'

'Okay Mika-' Maddie placed her fork back down, leaning back in her chair. 'Honestly, enough. Alright? I love you but you can be goddamn annoying sometimes.'

Mika grinned at her. 'Compliment accepted.'

She just shook her head, looking at the food on her plate. There was no way she was going to get through all that… 'It's not about Colton.' She began picking at her eggs, nibbling away at her breakfast gingerly. 'I've just got… a lot going on… I mean, I'm still waiting to find out those test results-' Years of lying to protect her father made it easy to come up with a half truth that would satisfy her friend. 'and that's playing on my mind. Got some doctors appointments on Monday so yeah… actually, about that. I mightn't make it to train the girls that day. You be able to take over for the day?'

'Yeah, sure. No worries.'

'Thanks. With the finals so close I don't want Dakota missing out on her last minute touch ups.'

'Don't you worry about it.' Mika assured her with a smile. 'Dakota will be in top condition.'

'Speaking about condition-' She managed to swallow another mouthful of bacon. 'Bel's looking a little chubby. She hasn't had any changes to her diet?'

'Nope. I did notice that myself. Want me to reduce her hard feed?'

Maddie nodded. 'Just a little, we'll see how she goes with a slight reduction. The extra weight might be from the change of pasture, sure is more lush then what she's used to.'

'Give it a couple weeks and we'll reassess?'

'Yeah. I'd give her three quarters what she's getting now and try to add an extra hour to her exercise daily. Now that she's not out chasing cows with me everyday that probably accounts for her weight gain.'

Silence followed, the two of them working away at their breakfast. 'Do you miss the ranch?'

Maddie nodded, cutting up her second piece of toast. 'I try not to think about it much though. It's really hit Grampa, I know he misses working the land. I just miss the quiet and having my own room. God, my sister sleep talks.' Mika laughed at that. 'Between her sleep talking and Uncle Liam snoring in the room next to me I'm lucky to get an hour sleep a night.'

'Maybe you could come here for a couple sleepovers? Might be more comfortable than Bel's stall.'

'Thanks. I don't mind sleeping with Bel though, ain't the first time I've done it.' Her stomach protested at the eggs she ate but she forced the feeling down with a few sips of water. 'Used to go sleep with her before at the ranch. No one knew though because I would be up before sunrise anyway.'

'Well, I wouldn't do it too many times here, just saying. It's a wonder you didn't set of any alarms.'

'Yeah…' Oh, she really shouldn't have had those eggs…

Mika frowned as Maddie stopped mid chew, dropping her fork back onto her plate. 'You okay-'

She sprinted for the bathroom, making it to the toilet just in time. Everything she'd eaten came back up, Mika coming in to check on her. When she finally stopped vomiting she took a deep breath, forcing herself to keep it together.

'You okay?'

'Yeah, yeah. Am now.' She wiped her eyes and blew her nose on some toilet paper then flushed the loo and rested back against the wall. 'Sorry, guess my stomach doesn't like eggs on toast these days.'

Mika looked at her friend closely, Maddie's eyes red and puffy from her crying while she threw up. 'You sure you're okay? Want me to call your folks?'

Maddie was going to protest than thought against it. She needed her medication and she'd left it at home. Besides, with the headache that was coming on she doubted she'd be able to look after her horses anyway. 'Could you please?' She finally asked after a moment. 'I-I think I need to go home.'

'Alright. Come lie down and I'll go give them a call.'

Mika helped her back out to the room and onto her bed, Maddie rolling over so her friend didn't see her silent tears fall. She heard Mika ring Cordell but when her friend came back to her, she pretended to be asleep. She was so embarrassed that she'd seen her throwing up but she knew there was nothing she could have done about it. Regardless if she'd eaten or not she would have ended up vomiting anyway. Her head was so sore, the pain worse now that the painkillers she'd been on were out of her system. Now that she knew that it was the brain tumor causing all this she could at least understand why she felt sick.

She felt more tears slide down her cheeks, the front door opening and closing as Mika headed out of the apartment.

Was this what the rest of her life was going to be like from now on?

Saturday morning Maddie felt well enough to work Dakota again and she forced herself to go train her, having not worked the mare since Tuesday. The finals were only a weekend away now, time was ticking. Literally.

Her family was still clearly in denial about her having a brain tumor, and so was she but she had a feeling that was going to change come her appointment on Monday. Cordell had told the Captain that he needed time off to take her in to the doctors and he'd agreed to let him take the day off. As far as she knew, apart from the family, the only other person who knew yet was Cassie.

Cassie had dropped by to see them, asking if there was anything she could do. Maddie had taken her aside to speak with her, asking her to keep an eye on her father. Though he was attempting to put on a brave front and keep it together for all of them she just knew how hard the news was on him. She was worried about him and so when she'd spoken to Cassie, she'd agreed to watch him.

So far she didn't think even Geri knew, not having heard mention of her the last couple of days. Apart from Geri coming to visit her that night in the hospital none of them had really heard from her. While she understood that Geri needed to keep her distance she just hoped that she didn't turn her back on them for the Davidson's. That would just be another blow that none of them really needed right now. It was hard enough on Abeline for the part she'd had to play, in keeping Marv's secret all these years. That the baby everyone thought had been dead survived. She couldn't have known it was Geri though, she hadn't known.

Damn secrets…

And yet she had been hiding one of her own since before Christmas.

She'd just never expected that her being ill would have turned out to be something as serious as having a brain tumor.

'You look about a million miles away.' Mika commented as she walked by, leading Bel in from her exercise session in the horse walker. 'Something on your mind?'

'Just thinking about the finals.' Maddie replied with a smile, beginning to brush Dakota down once more. 'Hoping that we're going to be ready.'

'I'm sure you will be.' She assured her, turning Bel back into her stall. 'How are you feeling? After yesterday-'

'I'm fine.'

'You sure?'

'Well, Dad and the rest of them wouldn't have let me leave the house this morning if they didn't think I was okay.'

Mika closed the stall door behind the mare, hanging up her halter and lead rope. 'Least you might get some answers come Monday.'

'Yeah…' Maddie sighed softly.

She came over to her, picking up another brush to begin grooming Dakota's other side. 'It's not just the finals or your doctor's appointment on your mind, is it?'

'Been thinking about Colton too lately.' She finally admitted. 'We had actually decided that there could be something between us and we were going to announce that we were an item but then with everything… We both agreed it would be better to call it off and let things settle down.' Finishing with the brushing she returned it to the grooming kit and grabbed a comb to start on the mare's tail. 'I haven't heard from him since. I don't know if I should message or…' She sighed again as she shrugged. 'If he wanted to talk to me, he'd have messaged. I'm sure by now he'd have heard about what happened Wednesday.'

'Maybe he doesn't know how you'd react if he did message you.' Mika pointed out after a moment. 'Think of it from his perspective. His family just took your home, if he messaged you he's probably expecting you to go off at him. It's probably why he hasn't bothered.'

'Yeah, maybe you're right…' She agreed after a second, carefully untangling the knots in her mares long tail. 'Guess I'll just focus on the Finals and then deal with everything else later.'

'Now that sounds like a good plan.'

Maddie chuckled softly. 'Those are the only kinds I have.'

When they'd finished the mare's groom, Maddie headed out with her to the indoor arena to practice. Mika went along to watch and film so that she could view it later and catch any problems she didn't pick up while riding. Dakota was on her best behavior as always and after doing their usual training with tack, Maddie dismounted and un-tacked her to do their liberty practice.

As they worked some kids began to arrive for their riding lessons, Rose being part of the group. Excitedly she pointed Maddie out to her mom, Jenny taking her over to the other side of the arena to watch her work with the mustang. 'That's what I want to do one day.' She remarked to her mother, glancing up at her after Maddie had asked the mare to rear. 'I want to train horses like Maddie.'

Jenny chuckled, smiling at her daughter. 'I'm sure you'll be able to, one day.'

'Do you think Maddie could teach me how to do what she does?'

'Oh, I don't know. We'll have to ask her sometime.'

Rose seemed satisfied with that answer, turning her attention back to the older girl and her mustang once more.
Finally, Maddie brought Dakota to a stop at the arena fence near Mika, running a hand down the mare's neck. 'That'll do us for today I think.'

'You two looked good out there.' She said, returning her phone to her pocket. 'And you've got a little audience.' She motioned over to the grandstand where Rose sat with her mother. 'Want me to talk her back to her stall for you?'

Maddie smiled as Rose waved at her and she waved back then glanced down at Mika again. 'Not yet. I'll let you know when.' With a soft touch from her heel Dakota walked on once more and she headed over to Rose and Jenny, bringing the mare to a halt at the fence in front of them. 'Hey.'

Rose smiled. 'Hey. You two looked great out there!'

She chuckled, giving the mare another pat. 'Can't take all the credit I'm afraid, I haven't been able to ride her since Tuesday. I'm so sorry I missed watching your lesson, had something come up.'

'That's alright. Mommy said you were busy. It's okay.'

'Want to have a ride with me on Dakota to make up for it? That is, if it's okay with your mom of course.'

Rose looked eagerly up at her mother. 'Oh please?'

Jenny nodded with a smile. 'Go on. Helmet on though.'

Quickly she put her helmet on then climbed onto the fence, Maddie giving her a hand to hop on Dakota in front of her. 'You okay there? All settled?'

She nodded. 'Yep.'

'Alright. Hold on tight to her mane.' Maddie had one arm wrapped around the girl's waist to steady her and Rose took a good lock of Dakota's mane in her hand as she told her too. 'Ready?'

'Yep?'

'Walk on Kota.'

They rode around for a little while then as the time for Rose's riding lesson to begin neared, Maddie stopped and let Rose off to go line up to wait for her lesson. Once Mika took Dakota back to the stables for her she went to sit with Jenny to watch Rose ride.

'Rose was pretty upset you weren't here Wednesday.' Jenny exclaimed as the kids began to mount their ponies. 'Though I think that little ride might have made everything okay again.'

'It wasn't my intention to miss her lesson, believe me.' She replied, waving to Rose as the girl waved to them from the back of the little pinto pony. 'Unfortunately, I was in the hospital.'

'Oh.' She said with surprise. 'Nothing too serious I hope.'

'Been having some health issues of late. Got an appointment on Monday with a couple doctors so we'll see what happens. I just wanted to let you know though in case I end up missing any more of Rose's lessons.'

'Of course. Don't worry about Rose, I'll think of something to tell her.'

Maddie nodded, her attention diverting back to the little girl as an instructor began leading her around. 'Any luck finding her a pony yet?'

'Perhaps. I got in touch with the trainer you recommended about that little buckskin mustang. She seems to think that she'd be suitable for Rose with the right instruction. I was wondering if perhaps you might want to take the pair of them on? Rose wants to learn how to do what you do with your horses. Of course, I'd be happy to pay you for your time.'

'I uh… I'll have to think about it.' She replied after a moment. 'I would be happy to accept but I just don't know if I can commit to anything long term at this point in time. Once I've had my appointment on Monday I'll know what I'm dealing with health wise and I'll let you know.'

Jenny waved at Rose as her daughter was led past then looked back down at Maddie. 'I'd appreciate it. I really appreciate you taking the time with my daughter too, Rose doesn't stop talking about you.'

Maddie smiled. 'It's my pleasure. Rose is really a sweet child.'

'Yeah,' she agreed. 'she is.'

Silence fell between them both as they watched Rose's riding lesson, Maddie returning to her ponderings of earlier. How was she going to tell Mika about her cancer? Or even Rose for that matter… It wasn't like she'd be able to hide the fact she was seriously ill much longer, especially when treatment started. They had the right to know that she was sick but at the same time she didn't want to tell them. Didn't want it to be real.

Colton.

She really should tell him too about what was going on. She wanted to talk to him, even before she'd found this out. She did miss him. Missed their conversations and hanging out together, even if it was just doing barn chores or messing about with the horses. With everything though, would he even care? His family sure wouldn't.

After pondering it over for a time, she decided she wouldn't make up her mind about anything until after the appointment on Monday. When they knew exactly what they were looking at and what her treatment was going to be.

Even though she'd come to a decision about the matter she knew that telling Mika was really not going to be a conversation she'd enjoy.