24. HOPEFUL
I was my own pack now – me, myself, and I. That's all I needed; all I would ever need. My steps slowed as I moved through a clearing in the forest where everything shone bright and clear. I took a breath, feeling the peace wash over me.
It didn't last long, though.
What the hell did I just do?
I left my pack, my friends, my family.
Was I really doing the right thing?
My steps became wobbly as I made my way back to the Cullens' place. The door was already open an inch when I got there and I let myself in, closing it softly behind me and turning the lock to keep the rest of the world out. I let out a shaky sigh, leaning my head back against the cool of the glass. With slow steps I started towards the banister to find Beau, but I didn't need to look far. He was in the living room sitting down cross-legged beside Carine on the floor, fingers tapping away at his restless knee. Edythe was lying on the couch in front of them, and Beau was holding her hand. Carine had on a stethoscope, and she held the small round circle you'd usually put on someone's chest to Edythe's stomach and from here, I could see that her shirt was pulled up a little. I guess I was staring too long though, because Edythe flinched just then and pulled down at the hem, bolting upright and curving her shoulders inwards a teeny bit, embarrassed it seemed. Carine put the stethoscope down on the glass table and showed me a gentle smile.
"Welcome home, Jules." Carine said in a kind, quiet voice. My heart thumped twice as loudly in my chest. I didn't know what to say, so I just looked down at the tops of my sneakers, shoving my hands deeper into the pockets of my shorts.
"Jules." Beau came up to me and gave me a hug. I returned it, closing my eyes as I pressed myself to the warmth of his chest.
"You heard?" I whispered.
He nodded. "Edythe kind of sensed it in your thoughts."
"Whoa, keeping tabs on me already?" I chuckled, a little sadly. I couldn't even be mad about it.
"You know it."
It felt nice – nice that he cared so much about me. Maybe they all kind of did in their own way.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. Sam went nuts." I pulled away from the hug thinking I didn't deserve it.
"Hey, don't worry about it. They won't break the treaty as long as I'm still here, you know. They can't hurt us, and they won't." He said in the most confident tone I'd ever heard him take. It made me smile a little bit. "Thank you, Jules. I owe you one." He pulled me into another hug again. I rested my chin on his shoulder, squeezing him just a little bit tighter.
The sun glinted off the stethoscope and shined in my eyes. I had to wonder about it; what they could find.
"Carine was checking. For a heartbeat, that is." Edythe began, her voice soft.
"Stay out of my head." I warned, turning away a little.
"You wanted to know." She shrugged and I sighed. Whatever. She had a point.
"So, did you… find one? A heartbeat, that is?" I tried to sound as disinterested as possible but kind of failed at that. Carine sat down beside Edythe and they both smiled the exact same smile at the exact same time – wow, like mother like daughter, I guess. It almost made me feel kind of excited for them, too.
"Loud and clear." Carine said happily, nodding her head. I guess that was a good sign – that the kid was more alive than dead, at least. More like Beau. It was such a strange thought though; Life and Death coexisting so peacefully amongst one another. I sighed thinking of it like that, almost in admiration. It was an impossible phenomenon; a real-life miracle baby. I chuckled a little.
"That's… good." I nodded, pressing my lips together in a sort-of smile. "That's really, really good."
…
I was at the Cullens' place again the next day… and the day after that… and the day after that. You get the picture. Earnest was hunting with all the others again while Beau, Edythe, Carine and I stayed put. Edythe was downing another glass of O negative - it was the only thing she could manage to take right now – and I noticed her eyes weren't differing shades of gold anymore but this deep, crimson red. I'm going to be honest with you, it looked very, very creepy, like some kind of horror flick come to life. I didn't realize how much such a little thing like that can totally alter someone's look. I mean, she was scary. But I tried not to complain – it kept her from wanting to sink her teeth into either Beau or myself, so a definite win-win in my book. Carine's been monitoring things as best she can – you know, the whole pregnancy thing; not that there's much she could really do anyways – and Beau was always with them at these little "check-ups", if you can even call them that. I made a sandwich for Beau and I to share while I waited for him and after putting away the bread and the ham and the mayonnaise, I started up the stairs again. When I passed by Carine's office on the second floor, I could hear the conversation going on from behind the door and I stopped to listen in for a little while. I think I heard Beau asking how long it was going to take and I heard Carine inhale a sharp breath before answering him.
"… We don't know, there are no records of this at all whatsoever. It can be anywhere from two months to even twenty years. We just don't know." I winced when I heard Carine say that. I mean, I've never had a kid before but being pregnant for twenty years sounded like actual, literal Hell to me. I shuddered before hurrying away to the bedroom Beau stays in – the one that has an actual bed in it, that is. I walked on over to the nightstand to put the plate down but just as I pulled away, I saw hanging on the metal bedframe the dreamcatcher with the little wolf charm I made Beau for his 18th birthday, which seemed a lifetime ago to me. I was different then. A normal kid. I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed, touching at the feathers which hung down from the wooden loop and ran my fingers over their soft, silky surface.
The door opened. It was Beau.
"Hey." He said, taking a seat beside me.
"Hey." I showed him a smile over my shoulder before stretching up and moving my neck this way and that to look out the open door again. "Where's Edythe?"
"I think she's just asking Carine some more questions. She kicked me out." He laughed, shaking his head.
"Well, that's not very nice of her." I said with a smirk. "But I'm okay with that. It gives me more time with you." I grabbed the sandwich plate and gave him his half. "Eat up."
"Thanks. Cheers." We toasted our sandwiches together like they were glasses of wine, laughing.
I looked at the dreamcatcher again and motioned towards it. "You still have that with you, huh?"
"Obviously. And from now until the rest of my life too, just so you know."
"Wow, I'm touched." I bit back a smile.
"Yeah. A little piece of you with me wherever I go. Best friends, remember?" He chuckled and ruffled my hair up. It sort of tickled and I had to laugh again.
Best friends. Always. For better or worse. I sighed a little thinking about that. I guess it almost felt like a marriage - well, besides the whole one-sided thing, of course. I thought of the baby again. That's permanent, isn't it? I wondered if it would change things between us.
"So. You're going to be an actual dad, I guess." I sighed, shrugging my shoulders. His eyes flicked down into his lap and I saw he was tugging nervously at his fingers.
"Yeah. It's weird hearing someone say it out loud, though."
"Let's be honest here – it is totally crazy."
"Yeah. So crazy." He let out a quiet laugh.
"Well, I still feel you'll be pretty great at it though." I gave his shoulder a jab.
"You think so?"
"Well…probably." I said, moving my head teasingly from one side to the other like I had to think about it first.
"Wow, your confidence in me is overwhelming." He threw his head back a little and laughed. "Guess I'll just have to go and live up to your expectations then, huh? So I don't prove you wrong. That'd be pretty disappointing for everyone, wouldn't it? Especially the kid." Though his tone was joking, I could tell his words still held a hint of uncertainty; of self-derision.
"Trust me Beau, you'll be fine. Everything's going to be alright, okay? Believe in yourself a little more, why don't you?" I took his shoulders and shook them in what I hoped to be an encouraging manner, accenting the action with a smile.
"Thanks, Jules." And then he pulled me into another hug. Afterwards, I looked hard at his face – those kind, pale-blue eyes; the small pinkish curve his lips made which looked very soft.
You're sort of beautiful. I remembered him saying that to me so long ago; the way it made my heart pound away in my chest, the way my cheeks flushed as red as his did when he realized he said that out loud. I couldn't help smiling at the memory now looking at him.
If only… I thought to myself. My last anchor. My only anchor. My world has changed so much. He was the last familiar thing that tied me to myself; to who I was. I brushed his bangs from his scar. It was mostly healed up by now and I touched it, then the one made on the inside of his wrist from way back when which formed the shape of a mouth, a vampire's imprint, feeling the raised skin under my fingertips. It made my chest hurt. That didn't have to happen. It could have been so different. We could have been different. As easy as breathing.
Why couldn't it have been me?
My hands were holding his cheeks there, stroking them outwards with my thumb. I trailed my fingers down the lines of his jaw and his eyes grew shimmery; pulsing again. Maybe it was the look of those soft eyes or the way his forearms tensed a little when I touched his shoulders but something came over me, and suddenly I couldn't think. I thought of the sadness and the madness and the frustration on my end with everything - the past, the present, and the future; the world and all the could-have-beens - and felt it beat down against me. Life was unfair. Maybe I was just trying to get even.
In one quick, invisible movement as if on instinct, I tugged hard on the collar of his shirt bringing him in towards me and my lips pressed against his. It felt like an electric shock went through me when I realized what I'd done and, blinking, I pulled away.
He couldn't even look at me.
"Jules." His words came out no louder than a mumble. I was still holding onto either side of his face; I was still holding on to him.
"Don't do that, Jules. Please." He whispered. He pulled my hands from his face, eyebrows furrowing and lips trembling. There was a silence between us then.
"Pardon me."
Beau and I turned with a start in the direction of that cool, soft voice; a hurt voice.
"It appears I am interrupting something."
It was Edythe.
She took a step back and looked down, lacing her hands tightly together in front of her. Beau let go of my shoulders and rose to his feet, saying her name. She let out a small breath, blinking, and turned around, leaving us and the room behind. I heard her slow footsteps moving down the stairs.
"Edythe!" He called again, running to meet her.
I screwed up. Badly. Now I had to fix this.
"Hey." I stood at the top of stairs looking out over the banister at her. Both she and Beau stopped in their tracks and turned in the direction of my voice. "That was all on me. It wasn't his fault."
"I know." Her voice was a soft, quiet sound; a sad sound. Why? I bit my lip before looking up at the roof, then at Beau, and then at Edythe.
"I'm sorry." I said, passing them by on the stairs. "To the both of you."
I left out the backdoors and turned towards the blackness of the forest, not waiting for a response.
…
Sitting below the shade of a giant, sprawling tree, I tossed up a red apple I had swiped earlier from the fruit bowl, catching it when it came tumbling back down to earth cutting through the whooshing wind before landing right back in my hands, repeating the action again and again until it started to feel all mushy. Too late. I bit into it already.
"Jules!"
An urgent whisper sprang up from the forest behind me. I turned my head with a start trying to figure out where it came from. Two figures came into view when I locked my eyes on the far side of the looming wilderness. That's when I saw them.
"Lee? Sarah?" I leapt to my feet. "What are you guys doing here?"
"We left Sam's pack." Sarah started in a bright and cheery voice.
"What the hell? Are you guys crazy?" I put both my hands on my hips.
"No. We're your friends first, Jules, not hers." Sarah reasoned, looking to me with her clear, light brown eyes.
"Yeah." Lee agreed with a nod. I shook my head, touching my temples.
"You're going to make Sam hate herself. Not to mention you can't stand the Cullens." I said to him seriously.
"Well, I can't let my baby sister go it alone."
"I can take care of myself." She stuck her tongue out at him. "See, Jules? I told him not to come."
"Shut it." He brought his fist lightly down on her head. "Besides," he looked at me now, "anything's better than being Lee, the loser ex-boyfriend Sam can't get away from." He shrugged slowly; dejectedly. My shoulders fell. I couldn't say I didn't feel for him. It didn't matter though – this was going to create some waves, and I don't think I can afford nor take any more of that sort of thing.
"Well, I don't want either of you here. This is my choice. You don't have to stick around and get dragged for it, too."
"We want to be here, Jules. That's our choice." Sarah said, bringing her fist down onto the palm of her hand. "And we really think you could use our help in case Sam tries anything."
"Yeah. That was pretty harsh of her." Lee agreed, but you could tell it still didn't sway his feelings for her. Honestly, I don't think anything ever would. Me and Lee wanted the same thing – we wanted to imprint on someone; anyone. But it just wasn't in the cards for us, if you know what I mean. Not meant to love in that way. I touched my lips, remembering how they felt on Beau's.
"I didn't like when she said that." Sarah agreed with a quick shake of her head. "Plus, how could she even say such a thing in the first place? Babies are just so darn cute!" She squealed, bouncing on her toes like a puppy and bringing her hands to her lips in excitement.
"Yeah, well, it'll be even cuter if it doesn't try to sink its teeth into anyone." I knew I had to keep that in mind.
"I'm not too worried about it." Sarah shrugged.
"I really, really hope you're right."
"I know it." She assured with a smile. It was easy to believe her when she said it like that.
"So, what are we now, the three musketeers?" Lee laughed. I tilted my head, thinking about it that way.
"I like how that sounds." I bit back a smile, stopping to look at him first, then Sarah before turning my eyes on the big white house again.
I breathed out a sigh and strode forth with my best friends at my side.
Maybe things won't be so bad after all.