30. WINTER
Winter came much quicker than any and all of the other seasons combined. After Thanksgiving ends, Winter creeps up on you like that runner in last place people didn't think to look out for who barreled forward at breakneck speed last-second, beating out all the competition in that final homestretch of the race to win all the gold. I looked out the window now, the freezing rain pelting down on the house and bouncing off the roof before it streamed down the windows in dark, slanting sheets. Every trace of the autumn season had been washed away. The trees were bare, the Forks air even grayer than usual as hard as that is to believe and it was so freaking cold - well, at least it felt that way to me, even when I'm pretty sure the heater was on full-blast. Having spent most of my life in a place where 50 degrees Fahrenheit was the lowest it'd ever get on average all year, a winter in Washington to me pretty much felt like a three-month expedition to Antarctica. I shivered, tugging up my wool socks as high as they would go over the hems of my sweatpants. I was wearing an additional pullover on top of my gray sweater and t-shirt and I tugged on the strings of my hood so only a flash of my face could be seen peeking out from it. I threw a quilt over my shoulders, pulling it tight around me before I could find it in myself to actually start moving around the house. I thought to find Jules to warm me up but couldn't bring myself to follow through with it. I was selfish for wanting her warmth, I knew that for a fact and so, resigning myself to the cold, I walked out of the bedroom and shuffled my way downstairs. Just as I passed by Carine's office, the door swung open and out walked Edythe. She eyed me from head to foot and laughed once, showing me this mocking-yet-sympathetic smile. I don't even know how she did that with her face. Only her, I guess.
"Aw, poor baby." She squeezed my cheeks together with both her ice-cold hands and I shivered.
"I'm cold." I said through the pout she was forcing on me. She let out a musical chuckle.
"Maybe I'll just have to keep you this way," she smiled, crinkling her eyes. "You're absolutely adorable." She gushed and kissed my pouted lips with her cool ones. Weirdly, it warmed me up just a tad bit and I had to turn away again.
"Oh, Beau." I heard the grin in her voice. She had me face her again and touched my shoulders, smoothing the layers of fabric down over them with gentle strokes. She lowered her eyes a little, sucking on her bottom lip before letting out a sigh. "I'm afraid I can't help you there. If I held you, you'd only feel colder." Her voice was quiet as it left her lips. Before I could say anything, another voice piped up from behind.
"Heard you were in need of a space heater." As it turned out, Jules found me instead.
"Hey, Jules." I waved as she came towards us. "I would hug you right now but that would require me to expose my poor, vulnerable arms to the bitter cold. We wouldn't want that now, would we?" She laughed at that and it made me feel happy, too.
"No worries. I got you." She wrapped her arms tight around my blanket cocoon and I could feel the intense warmth radiating from her like an actual furnace diffusing straight through all that fabric and right into me. It felt so nice, but I knew I didn't deserve it. I caught Edythe's conflicted gaze and pulled away from Jules, feeling like I was being too careless with both of their feelings again. Jules noticed I guess, and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
"Sorry." She muttered, her voice genuinely repentant. It made me feel ten times worse hearing her say it like that. I pulled the blanket tighter around me and looked back at Edythe.
"It's fine. I want you to be comfortable." Edythe sighed and gave me a little push towards Jules. She nodded once at Edythe but didn't say a word and before I knew it, I was wrapped in Jules' warm arms again.
"Thanks." I said, addressing the both of them. We headed into the living room and just kind of sat all together in front of the TV. An old Christmas movie was on, the one with the ringing bells and the angel wings.
"Carine and I actually watched this together when it first came out in theaters." Edythe chuckled a little. "And yet, it feels like it was only yesterday." Her voice grew very quiet; distant. She brought a hand in towards her chin and her eyes flickered up towards the ceiling then down into her lap, not looking at the movie at all whatsoever – it was almost as if she were avoiding it altogether. Did she hate being a vampire so much? Did it hurt her to think about how fast time flowed and how differently it passed for her; what that would mean for her and our child? Doing the only thing I could think to do, I gave my wife's hand a squeeze and kissed it. Showing me a soft, sad smile, she leaned her head on my chest.
Just then, she gasped and tilted a brow to the sky, her lips parting in a kind of awe.
"What is it?" I asked, touching her face.
"He can feel Jules. He feels how warm she is." Edythe let out a small, incredulous laugh and Jules' eyes widened. She reached across my lap and rested her hand on Edythe's stomach, pressing it into the fuzz of the peach sweater she was wearing. Edythe closed her eyes, resting one hand on top of and below the little bump. "He likes you." She chuckled.
"Duh. He's obviously a very smart kid."
"He wants in on the warmth. Mind if we join you and Beau over there?" Jules and I switched places so she was between me and Edythe, who scooted in closer to us both. I tossed the blanket over all our shoulders, evident on my face that I was hoping she'd say yes.
"Fine, whatever." Jules rolled her eyes but let out the tiniest hint of a laugh, pulling the quilt tighter around us.
…
"It's snowing." Archie mentioned as Edythe and I passed him by on the way to the kitchen. We looked out the window. There was only rain.
"Mm, hate to break it to you Arch, but it's only the rain." Edythe laughed, tapping a finger on the window by the piano. Archie stayed silent. It was only then we realized that his eyes were actually closed. Edythe stopped in her tracks and reached a hand out to his shoulder, shaking it a little. "Arch?"
"Alaska." Archie muttered. Edythe raised her eyebrows and her lips were pursed; troubled.
"What are you seeing, Arch?" She whispered.
"Ivan… I just had a vision showing him leaving home sometime after the snow had accumulated most – I'm sensing sometime around the beginning of March, before spring starts."
"What for?" I could hear the alarm bells in her voice.
"He doesn't know yet. The choice hasn't been made – I see him visiting the place where Lauren was killed in one version, but then I also see him setting off for the world – to travel; be a nomad for however long. And in another – though this one is the blurriest – he's going to see Sulpicia, Athenodora, and Marcus. For what though, I'm not quite sure. It's all a little fuzzy – the Knot, as I call it." He grimaced. "I'm worried… I'm worried he's going to tell them about you."
"But why would he do that? He's kept quiet all this time; it doesn't make sense." Edythe said, narrowing her eyes and making a movement which saw her finger bounce impatiently off her temple. March… I clenched my jaw tight in concentration and then my eyes flew open.
Of course.
"No, it does, actually." I whispered, crooking my finger in their direction. They both looked at me. I shook my head and went into the dining room. There, I found Jules biting into an apple. "Jules?" I called out. She looked up at me really quick, her eyes widening as she hurried over. Archie and Edythe were right behind me, and I motioned my hand towards them.
"What's wrong?" Her voice came out a quick, frantic sound.
"You remember the day Lauren almost got me, right? The day you guys took her out?"
She nodded. "Yeah. It was in March, right? The 4th?" She asked, blinking. Edythe and Archie were looking straight at each other now with wide, pulsing eyes.
"It's the anniversary of her death." I whispered as it hit me.
Jules threw a worried glance at Arch over my shoulder. "You saw something about Ivan, didn't you?"
He nodded at her question. "I had a vision of him leaving home around that time, yes. In one future possibility, he's visiting the Volturi, and that's the one that troubles me most." He shut his eyes again. "Wait… I'm getting another one; a clearer image." He took a breath. "This is strange. I think…I think he's going to ask them to kill him." Archie's lips were pressed tight to each other. I looked to Edythe and felt a lump forming in my throat. Her eyes were downcast, and I could tell she was seeing the exact same thing I was. Even Jules turned away.
I almost lost you like that, too.
I tried to shake the horrific memory away. I pulled Edythe's trembling body to mine, kissing the top of her head and I felt her arms tighten around me.
"Oh no… that's exactly what I was afraid of." Archie muttered, touching two fingers to either side of his temples. "What is it?" I asked, panic creeping up in the edges of my voice. Arch grimaced.
"I just got another vision; another possibility… that he really does tell them about Edythe."
"He can't do that. They promised us." Edythe said between her teeth. Arch threw his hands helplessly out to either side of him and shook his head. I could feel this strange heat bubbling in my chest when I realized why he'd want to do such a thing.
"He wants to get back at us." I said in a hesitating breath. "For getting Lauren killed."
"Or perhaps he really thinks that he's doing the right thing." Carine was with us now, her voice calm.
"Maybe it's both." Jules muttered.
"We have to go see them – right now." Edythe jabbed her finger in a downwards motion, one arm crossed tight over her torso. Quickly, she started up the stairs to pack, but Arch grabbed her by the shoulder and pulled her back to us.
"Hold it, Edy. He hasn't left yet. It won't be for another three months, if it happens at all. And even then, it's only one of a number of possibilities." Arch reminded her.
"So, we just sit around and do nothing?" She shot back with a huff.
"No, we be careful. That's all we can do. And don't let your guard down." He said that last part in so low a voice I almost didn't catch his words. His eyes narrowed and he swallowed, hard, like he was upset. Remembering how his memories started coming back earlier this year, I knew exactly why. Seeing that look on his face, Edythe's eyes softened and she let out a sigh - he's had experience with this before, which is more than either of us can say for ourselves. Realizing that, Edythe fell back, one hand still on her stomach.
My ringtone blared loudly from the kitchen and I almost had a heart attack.
"It's your dad." Arch said, and I zoomed towards my phone at top speed. Everyone else followed behind me.
"Hey, Dad." I said into the receiver, hoping he couldn't hear me catching my breath.
"Hey, Beau. Hope all is well. I was just wondering if you and Edythe would like to come on over for Christmas. It'll just be us three – how's that sound?" I looked to Arch again and he nodded at the suggestion.
"We'd love to." I said in a fake-cheerful tone, trying my best to sound convincing enough.
"Great. I'll see you kids soon, then." I guess it worked, because Dad sounded pretty excited.
"Alright, sounds good. Bye Dad, take care." I hung up quickly, dashing the phone into my sweatpants pocket and still thinking about Ivan all the while.
"Don't worry, it'll be good for you guys. Trust me." Although Arch's lips still made a troubled line, his kind eyes were soft, and pure. I mean, how can you not believe him when he looked at you like that?
I squeezed Edythe's hand and we nodded together.
…
When Christmas rolled around, Carine dialed Kirill up in order to check in, easily disguising it as a call wishing them all a Merry Christmas. Edythe was borrowing one of Carine's red dresses which fit her a little better for when we go to my dad's today, and she touched at the smooth fabric of the skirt with nervous hands as her eyes locked themselves on her mom. All of Edythe's family – Jules had left earlier to spend the rest of Christmas with Bonnie, I'd fill her in later - were gathered in Carine's office, listening in on her conversation with her cousins. When she finally hung up, Edythe came up to Carine and touched her shoulder.
"Any news?" She bit her lower lip, anxious, pulling her white cardigan tighter around her. Carine shook her head.
"He has no plans to leave just yet. They're just spending some time together, exchanging a few gifts. Kirill seemed very happy." When she said that, I finally felt like I could breathe normally for once since Arch had those visions earlier this month.
"We still need to be careful, though." Archie cautioned again, his voice severe. "I'll keep monitoring things." Jessamine was leaning on his shoulder, holding his hand in her lap. She gave it a squeeze and he began stroking her hair. Earnest looked to the clock and touched my shoulder. "It's almost two. You might want to start heading out, I'm sure your father's looking forward to seeing the both of you very much." He smiled at me and Edythe. Taking my wife's hand, we started towards the front door together.
…
Edythe and I spent Christmas at my dad's place. It was a quiet affair, just the three of us as promised. Standing in front of the small, balmy green tree which little colorful baubles and cinnamon-scented pinecones hung on, Edythe's slender hand touched at a small red-and-white striped picture frame ornament you can find at any gift shop around the holiday season. In it was a photo of Charlie and Renee holding me as a baby with the words "My First Christmas" inscribed in curly font on the little white plate underneath. I heard Edythe let out the silvery wisp of a chuckle and gently, she took the ornament down from the branch it hung from and held it up with two hands, running her fingers tenderly over the blunt edges like it wasn't some cheap ten-dollar buy from nearly two decades ago but an antique heirloom.
"This is beautiful." She said, showing me a smile.
"It's just me and my parents." I shrugged, feeling my cheeks flushing the lightest shade of red.
"Exactly." She looked up at me with a bright grin on her beautiful face. "My goodness, you were absolutely adorable."
"What, and I'm not anymore?" I crinkled my eyes, biting back a smile. She shot me a look before running her fingers through my bangs.
"Mm, I suppose that hasn't changed." She shook her head and grinned, gripping at either side of my face. Just as we were about to kiss, Dad popped his head in the doorway and had with him a tray of sugar cookies we helped him bake a little while ago. I'd made some icing glaze in red, green, yellow and blue earlier to decorate the cookies, shaped like giant Christmas lights, with when they cooled down. It was a tradition my mom started and I knew for a fact Charlie never skipped out on it since, even when they weren't together anymore to celebrate. I helped Dad put the tray down before hurrying to the kitchen to grab the frosting bags, some mini chocolate chips, and three plastic knives and paper plates. I laid them all out on top of the glass table in the living room, next to the tray of cookies. We sat down together with legs crisscrossed and I handed Dad and Edythe the supplies - I've done this every year with my mom growing up, but it was only the second time I got to do it with Dad and the first with Edythe, so that made it pretty special to me. I set a golden-white cookie down on each of the plates and took up a frosting bag, everyone following suit and I watched as Edythe meticulously spread some red frosting on her cookie, somehow making these pretty, raised rosettes with the one single layer of frosting and her plastic knife. Dad nodded, impressed.
"Wow. You must've been an artist in a previous life." He motioned to Edythe's handiwork with his plastic knife. Her mouth formed a knowing smile and she gnawed lightly on her lower lip. "Perhaps." She said and shrugged a little, like previous lives really were a thing – I mean, I guess to her they kind of were. She threw a knowing glance in my direction and I returned it before looking down at my own sorry attempt at cookie decorating - the blue was smeared messily all over my hands and made a rough, gloppy layer on the top of my cookie. At least I know it'll taste really good, and I cheered myself up with that thought.
…
After laying all the decorated cookies down on a large plastic plate with a giant snowflake design in the middle, I handed it off to Edythe so she could put it back in the kitchen while I helped Dad clean the living room up a little bit, scrubbing down the glass table with a wet rag. Afterwards, Dad put on some Christmas music and we all sat down together in the living room, around the Christmas tree. Dad took from under it a small ice-blue box with a dark green titanium bow on top and handed it to us before we could even offer to give him his gift first.
"What's this?" I asked instinctively with a smile.
"Open it." As was Dad's usual response to that. "It's for the both of you."
Edythe and I tore off the shiny paper together and I lifted the lid from the box. Inside was a teal Mariners onesie, the team's name and symbol embroidered on the front in blue and silver thread.
"How precious!" Edythe gushed, covering her lips with both her hands.
"Wow, thanks Dad." I smiled at him. I have to admit, it was kind of cute. It still felt weird to be holding something like that in my hands, though – sometimes I still couldn't wrap my head around the whole baby thing completely, and this was one of those times.
"Just saw it the other day at a storefront down in Port Angeles. I figured boy, girl – it doesn't matter." He shook his head and showed us a grin. "You're never too young to be a Mariners fan."
"We love it." Edythe replied in a buoyant voice and squeezed my hand. I nodded in agreement, showing Charlie another smile.
"We got something for you, too." I quickly added, rising to my feet. I ran over to where I hung my jacket on the coatrack by the front door and took from my pocket a little envelope with a tiny red bow on the pointed flap. Running back over to Dad, I held it out for him to take.
"Oh, what's this?" Dad asked, looking from the envelope then to us.
"Open it." I said with a laugh. Edythe and I watched as Dad lifted the flap and his eyes widened and shone.
"A fishing trip to Lake Chelan?"
We nodded. "For you and Bonnie. She already made arrangements for you at work." I said, trying to match the excitement in his voice. Just then though, he narrowed his eyes suspiciously at us. "Wait, are you kids trying to get rid of me?" So he'd caught us already? I swallowed, hard, frantically trying to come up with something on the spot. But then he looked at the tickets and started up again in a cheerful voice, "Because it's working." He threw his head back a little and laughed. Edythe and I let out a quiet sigh of relief at the exact same time. We've booked lodgings for them starting in the beginning of March - right when Arch predicted Ivan was going to leave home - and would last the rest of the month just in case anything came up and Dad wouldn't have to worry about us. He put the tickets away, sticking them on the fridge with a little cartoony trout magnet for safekeeping. Easing himself back into his favorite recliner, he looked to us again, smiling.
"Thanks, kids. And tell Carine and Earnest that as well."
"Of course, Dad." Edythe replied easily with a beamish smile and judging by the soft look on Dad's face, I think he liked it just as much as she did when she called him that, so I guess that was pretty nice. A choir's rendition of "What Child Is This" was playing on the radio now and Edythe leaned her head on my shoulder, squeezing my hand. We were all quiet as we listened to it, like we were paying our respects. During the chorus, I looked at the little Mariners onesie again and picked it up, running my fingers over the softness of the fabric. After the song ended, I looked to Dad again and took a small breath.
"What does being a parent mean to you, Dad?" The question caught him by surprise and he paused for a moment, chewing on his moustache.
"Bit of a loaded question there, Beau." Dad chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. "What does it mean to be a parent…" he repeated out loud before pausing again. He put a finger on his chin and shifted his jaw looking up at the roof and then straight at me, his strong brown eyes wavering a little.
"I guess it means that I have something to fight for." He started up, gnawing at his lip. "It means that I'll protect you at all costs or die trying. That's what it means to me, Beau." His voice was a clear, resonant sound as it left his lips and he nodded his head once before taking a silent sip of his hot cocoa, and I think even he was impressed by his words. I leaned back up against the couch cushions and thought about what he said for a long time afterwards.
…
Dad had prepared for us a small Christmas feast with some turkey and stuffing from the store and the cookies we decorated for dessert. I guess I fell asleep on the couch sometime after dinner ended but didn't realize it until I stirred awake and, looking to the clock on the far side of the room, saw that it was almost ten.
You're up." Edythe started, moving her cool hand from where it was pressing me into her arm. I realized Edythe was wrapped in a quilt – I'm sure courtesy of Dad, of course- and I was laying on her shoulder. Letting out a quiet yawn, I brought my arms over her head and folded them around her, pressing my lips to her hair.
"Hey." I started, but Edythe shushed me, pointing a finger in the direction of my dad's recliner. I guess I wasn't the only one taking a nap - I could hear the familiar sound of Charlie's snoring as Edythe pulled the both of us to our feet and then she folded up the blankets we were using, putting them back on the couch before walking us over with quiet steps into the kitchen. Hitting the lights, we began cleaning up the place. I put the leftover cookies in some Tupperware and scrubbed down the kitchen counter. After that, Edythe and I started on the dishes piled high in the sink together, me washing and Edythe drying. When she put the last plate away in the cupboard, she showed me a bright smile and looked up, pointing her finger toward the ceiling. I tried to see what she was seeing and then I realized we were standing right underneath a mistletoe held up by some invisible string.
"I can't believe it." My mouth fell open and I started to laugh. "Think he did that on purpose?" I leaned a little closer to her, putting a hand on my hip and shaking my head.
"I'm sure of it." She chuckled.
"Wow. I didn't think he was the type." I said, genuinely surprised and actually kind of impressed. I looked to her again, my lips drawing themselves up into a grin. "Shall we?" I flashed my eyebrows at her.
"We shall." Edythe purred. Her hands, still wet from helping with the dishes, brought themselves up behind my ears and my own hands were slippery as I ran them gently down her neck, stroking her shoulders outwards and tracing the curves of her body from under the red dress and I pulled her in by the small of her waist. She hooked her arms around my neck and stretched up towards me on her tiptoes as she brushed her lips lightly against mine innocently enough at first – probably what Dad had in mind when he put up that mistletoe - but then she pulled away a little and gave me this look, that hungry one again which made the muscles in the pit of my stomach tighten up and that first little kiss deepened into something more fervent; more passionate and I could only respond in kind. The next thing I know our lips were crushed against each other and unable to think of anything else, my hands grabbed hold of her waist and I picked her up, pushing her up onto the kitchen counter and our breathing quickened as her cool lips met my hot ones again and again. I ran my fingers through her hair and she squeezed at my arms then the back of my shoulders, and I felt my breath hitch as her tongue found mine. But then I had to wonder if that was the sort of thing you should really be doing on a day like Christmas in your dad's house and regretfully, I pulled away from her, still holding her satin cheek in my hand. Edythe gave me a confused look at first, her eyes narrowing as she tilted her head but then she started to laugh.
"Wow, you're not the one attacking my face this time. Now that's a twist." She joked.
"We're at my dad's place," I reminded her, my voice growing soft and cracking a little in embarrassment.
"Oh Beau, you're awake. Hey kids." Right on cue, Dad's voice sounded from the entrance to the kitchen and I almost jumped a mile high in the air as he came striding on over to us. I could feel those red splotches creeping up on me again as I wondered how much he saw, but Edythe was already off the counter, standing beside the refrigerator looking busy with a small stack of Tupperware so Dad would be none the wiser.
"Hey Dad. Yeah, I'm up." I shrugged and scratched my nose, leaning up against the empty kitchen counter as I crossed and uncrossed my legs, trying to act natural. Dad gave me a weird look but before he could question me, Edythe piped up, "Hi Charlie. We were just cleaning up a little. We hope you don't mind." Dad smiled at her.
"Don't mind?" he laughed good-naturedly. "Thanks, you two."
"It's no problem at all. Honest." I assured him. I guess still unconvinced though, Dad took some of the Tupperware from Edythe and sorted them out neatly for her, sliding them into the back of the fridge. Edythe and I exchanged a laughing smile.
"You two heading home soon?" He asked, casting a glance at Edythe and then myself over his shoulder. "If you're still tired, you know you're always welcome to stay the night."
I shook my head. "Thanks, Dad. But it's okay. We'll head out in a little bit after finishing up in here. We'll visit again soon, though."
"You better." He said pretty seriously, shaking a finger at us.
"Of course we will." I reassured him. Dad looked genuinely relieved to hear that and I could feel my expression softening as I looked at him. When he did that, it made me feel, I don't know, guilty - how could I have even thought of leaving him and Mom behind? Edythe was right – I couldn't do that to them. I guess noticing the look on my face, Edythe showed me a sad, tender smile like she knew exactly what I was thinking of and was trying to tell me I was making the right choice for everyone. But what about her? The baby? How could I ever leave the both of them?
No. I wouldn't. Of course.
I made up my mind. I'll stay human for now - I'll do that for Mom and Dad. But after they're gone, that's when I'll change - for Edythe, for the baby. Hopefully, I still have plenty more years until then though, of course. It was perfect - I'll take care of them. I'll take care of them all.
It felt nice, finally making the decision.
I let out a breath. That wasn't so bad after all.
I felt Edythe's cool hand touching my arm and I turned to look at her.
"Yeah?" I asked, my voice soft.
"What are you thinking of now, Beau?" Her tone matched mine.
"It's nothing. Don't worry about it." I shook my head. I still didn't know how exactly I was going to tell her; how she'd feel about it. I guess it showed on my face though, because she suddenly looked concerned.
"You do realize that whenever you say that it makes me worry about you ten times more, right?" Edythe let out an exasperated breath and bit her lip in a pensive manner. She stared at me, her eyes seeming to bore right through mine with that frustrated look I knew so well on her trying to read me but then she gave up, casting a glance at Charlie over her shoulder instead. She sighed before turning back around to look at me again.
"We'll talk about this later, then. I'll hold you to it." She whispered and jabbed a finger lightly into my chest before trailing it down my arm in an icy path as she went up to Charlie again, helping him put the last of the leftovers away. Afterwards, we met Dad by the front door. I shrugged on my winter coat and helped Edythe into hers. She gave me that look again; like she was kind of annoyed by my gesture, but also kind of touched by it too at the same time so I chose to overlook that little "annoyed" part. As we stood on the porch, Dad gave us each a hug.
"Drive safe, you two. Take care." Dad waved us off as we strolled down the driveway. I could literally feel the freezing air chapping my lips, it was that cold. The first thing I did after starting the car up (Edythe let me drive today as her Christmas present to me) was turn the heater on full-blast. As we pulled out of the driveway, Dad stayed watching us from the porch until we were out of sight.
We'll see you soon. I thought to myself with a smile. When we finally got on to the main road again and the outline of the bare, swaying trees on either side of the car passed us by in dark, flourishing shades of gray and blue, Edythe let out a sigh and turned to look at me, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms over her chest.
"Well?" Her velvety voice started up from beside me. "Are you going to tell me what's troubling you or not?" Her face was illuminated by the dim glow of the dashboard lights making it look even more beautiful, as impossible as that is to believe. Her full pink lips were parted and looked like they were glowing; her eyes made long and mesmerizing as they narrowed slightly like a model waiting for the shutter of the camera, ready for her close-up. I guess I was staring too long because she frowned impatiently and tilted her head, waiting. Yet, there was something in the way she did that which made it hard to breathe in and out like normal. Suddenly remembering what the heck she was asking me, I turned to look at the road again before opening my mouth to speak.
"Oh. Why do you always assume it's something bad?" I asked, squeezing the wheel. "It could have been something good instead, you know."
"Is it now?"
"Well… I mean, I think so. You probably will, too – at least, I hope you do."
"Let's hear it, then."
"I've made an important decision." I said almost proudly.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. About… changing." I moved my head from left to right matter-of-factly.
"You told me already. You're not going to change." Her voice had no give to it; like it was a command rather than an observation. She sat up straight in the passenger seat, folding her hands in her lap while still looking at me with hard eyes.
"No, I said I wasn't going to change yet." I corrected her. She sighed at that.
"I was right. It is something bad." She whispered to herself and shook her head. I turned to look at her again, still keeping one eye on the road.
"Why is that bad, exactly? Look, you told me that getting turned will mean losing Charlie and Renee, and you're right – I can't do that to them. And I won't."
"Then why are we having this conversation?"
"I meant… after." I answered, blinking. It hurt to think about that sort of thing, but I knew it was going to happen one day, that was inevitable.
"No." She still shook her head.
"No?" I repeated, confused. "It'll be years and years from now-" I stopped just then. Wait, was that the issue? I thought seriously to myself even when in the back of my mind I knew I was being ridiculous. But still…
"You won't want me around when I could pass for your father… or grandfather. Is that it?" I said it more to myself than to her, but she caught it. Her mouth fell agape and her nostrils flared, her eyes blazing with fire and I winced. That was the most absolute worst thing to say on my part and she made sure I knew it.
"How dare you say something so insulting to me, Beau? I've told you this before and I will tell you again – do you seriously not understand the depth of my feelings for you?" Her voice grew louder; almost… metallic. I could tell how much it hurt her and I instantly regretted thinking such a thing in the first place.
"I'm sorry, Edythe." I sighed, bowing my head in repentance. "I know, I know. It's just that, well, I don't understand why you're so against it. I thought you'd be happy with that; happy that I was going to wait."
"And I am, Beau. Really. I just hoped that meant you wouldn't want to change at all, that it would be enough for you to just live a long, happy life with me." Her hand touched her chest and her voice grew more forceful.
I was quiet again. Taking another breath, I shifted my jaw, blinking. "Maybe… maybe I did want that-"
"And that's the way it's supposed to be." She pushed.
"But that was before – you know, before we found out. It's different now." I quickly shot back.
"So, I'm forcing that decision on you, too." She shook her head, her teeth audibly clenching. "All because of what I am… I suppose he had no choice in the matter either, did he now?" Her voice trailed off then, her wrists crossed tightly over her stomach. She was quiet for a long time, her eyes staring straight out in front of her. "It's not right, Beau."
"Hey, hey, hey. Where's this all coming from now?" I asked, concerned. She raised her eyebrows, pained, her eyes wide and shining like she was about to cry. Not another moment later though, her expression did a total one-eighty and she narrowed her eyes angrily, glaring at me from beneath her pale lavender lids.
"I'm not human, Beau. No matter how hard I try to pretend that I am." Her voice grew louder.
"No. You're even better." That was the honest truth.
"But I'm a literal monster." Her voice shook then got super quiet. "And to have a monster like me as his mother – perhaps he'll resent me for it."
"You are not a monster, Edythe." I quickly interjected, my voice rising. I clenched my jaw together, trying to come up with some way I can get that through to her; to comfort her. I took another breath and turned towards her. "Do you resent Carine?" I asked, but it was a rhetorical question. To my surprise though, she didn't answer me right away, her eyes darting from her window to mine then the windshield to look out at the dark, winding road ahead of us. She let out an impatient breath, like she was irritated with me for asking her such a thing and making her think about it in the first place but ultimately, I knew that anger was only directed at herself. "Of course I don't." she finally answered. "She thought she was doing the right thing."
"Let me guess… you don't though, do you?" She didn't say anything to that, but she didn't have to - I knew her answer already. She inhaled another sharp breath and her eyes looked pained; anguished. Like she felt she was breaking apart inside. She brought a finger to rest on her now-quivering lip and I could tell she was sad again. To see her like that made my own heart tighten in my chest and I felt my throat clench up. It hurt me, too.
Blinking back the hotness settling in behind my eyes I slowed the car down and pulled us over on the side of the road.
"You've told me once before that he loves us," I took her hand in mine and squeezed it. "Obviously, you're a part of that equation, aren't you?" I chuckled in hopes of lifting her spirits and lightening up the burden which weighed heavily down upon her shoulders; the burden which I knew she saw in herself.
"But he doesn't know-" she began to protest with a little sob but I stopped her, putting a finger to her lips.
"And, if I recall correctly, you've also told me that he's very smart as well, isn't he?"
"Yes, but-"
"He loves you, Edythe. Everything that you are. That's all there is to it." I took both her cheeks in my hands. Her fingers reached up towards my wrists and she held them there, her eyes wavering. "And so do I, of course." I added with a quiet chuckle. I saw the hint of a smile playing up at the edges of her full pink lips and she nodded softly.
"And I love you. So much." She answered in a faltering voice which broke with emotion. Leaning over the gearshift, I pulled her to me and brushed a kiss on her forehead then her cheek and then her lips. In the silence of the night, I held her close to me as best as I could given the space between us and I let her ear press up against my chest. We stayed that way until the sky was filled with stars.
By the time I caught sight of the time on the dashboard clock, I realized it was already almost midnight.
"Let's go home." I squeezed her shoulders one last time and with that, I started up the car again, the headlights illuminating the yellow reflectors on the road in front of us and making a bright path of light in the dark.