Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Three
"Thank god, I promised I wouldn't leave you alone with him and that was longer than I was comfortable with Love." He was quickly moving out of the lot trying to put space between Dylan and I. "You okay?"
"I told him how I destroy everything here-"
He groans, "Sweetheart how many times do I need to tell you that I don't like how you deliver that line. You didn't destroy anything, you just refused to play their game of swap the bedmates, rewrite history and worship the blonde. You were ostracised because you had way more class than the lot of them combined, refusing to sink to their level."
"Roy I understand that, believe me therapy would have been a waste of money if I didn't, but it doesn't make me saying I destroyed it incorrect. My inability to fall in line destroyed everything here for me, caused problems for everyone. I didn't bend to their collective wills, not their's, my brother's, or my parents. Me accepting that it was a choice I made is important, an acknowledgment that it was a choice then and now. I'm acknowledging that I'll keep making it, destroying things here because I won't play by all of their rules. I may not have felt it at the time but I was putting myself first even when it was destroying me, and as long as I keep doing that then I don't fit here. I chose not to surrender my values, be less than just to make them like me."
He grumbles back as normal, "I think it's easier to just say they are to blame for it all."
"We've had this conversation before, I'm not a victim it's a choice. Blaming them making it all their fault means I'm their victim, they aren't allowed that power over me. And they shouldn't need to bend to suit me, they are all happy living in their dysfunction I wasn't. I shouldn't be forced to change and neither should they but I'll continue to cause problems around them because of it." I reach over and squeeze his hand that is on the gear stick, "I told him we will keep our distance stay in our English bubble and only be around to maintain a level of politeness. I have no desire to stir up that drama, those emotions again."
He picks up my hand and brings it to his mouth laying a kiss on it, "Love the Englishmen in me loves the manners but we've said hello, let's just call and say goodbye in a few months and be done with it?"
I breathe out heavily I wish it could be that easy, "Roy they will be in Brandon's life forever. It's already difficult enough with my brother I have to maintain a level of civility with them for the sake of that relationship, and as for Dylan well I'm not giving up Iris, and Erica has always been like my little sister, I need to maintain a friendship to ensure that I don't put them in the middle more than they are. And well then there is what he is to me, it may be good for me to start to learn how to be around him whilst maintaining a safe distance from him, I need to avoid opening myself up to pain."
He groans, "why did we come here again?"
"Green screen. Special effects."
"If they botch them I'm going to be livid, the personal cost to you Love is already too high-"
I try for enthusiasm to deflect from continuing to discuss the discomfort being here was now causing me, "but we are having fun on the set. I'm learning new skills, we are telling a good story with rich complex characters, and if this is successful you'll be a very very rich man-"
"And you a very rich woman. If all goes to plan your percentage of the back end profits both as the star and producer, and the royalties for use of your image on the merchandise will ensure you will have the freedom to choose any part you want in the future, and you will never again be bound to any man; your father, Dylan or me-"
"You would never bind me to you believe me I know. Living with you for the last twelve months… you made it my home immediately you have always treated me like your equal, but I know to you me having a solid financial nest egg is important."
"It should be important to all women but I always want the best for you Love and you being financially set for life is the start." He had started this conversation early on when I arrived in London. He came from a similar financial background to my family it gave access to good schools and university. He had taken those advantages and worked hard early on to build his own wealth. He made his money through his work in the theatre and through investing, he said working in the arts was unpredictable you had to ensure you could ride out any career lows without resorting to compromising your artistic integrity. With the money I had made from the small role's I had landed in London he had been teaching me to invest. I had initially thought I'd ask Dad to show me but when I had mentioned it on a call early on he seemed more interested in just doing it for me; he said it was too hard with the distance.
Roy took money and wasting it very seriously, especially in regards to his productions, he always got extremely business like when discussing it. After such a heavy night and day I decide to change the tone and tease him, "are you sure you just don't want me to buy my own place so you can finally walk around naked in your house again?"
"Please as if I don't feel comfortable to do that already, or should I remind you about the last time I took a spa?" He looks at me with his cheeky smile, the man had no shame. I laugh at the reminder of last week's eye opening experience when I came in from a training session. Roy attended only the aerial silks religiously and in my absence decided to indulge in a late afternoon spa; his lack of trunks was intentional, his positioning of his towel on the table by the garden door a distance from the spa an oversight, his inability to hear me pull up my fault as I had used a car service that day and had as usual walked up the driveway without being dropped off at the house, all of it had resulted in an eyeful for me when I came through the door. "And you bloody well know I'd have us live together forever." He picks up my hand again, "you are the only woman I have ever found I don't get bored of after the third morning." As he lays a kiss on it I laugh again and shake my head.
"Seriously how do women fall for your charms you're-"
"I'm very very talented. Let me know when and I'll happily show you my skill set outside of directing, I'm equally well regarded in that field."
"I know I've dealt with the jealous catty remarks of your former evening guests for the last twelve months. You definitely like them feisty."
"Speaking of feisty let me tell you all about the feisty fun but frightening loud Ginger, the red head from last night." Roy kept me laughing and entertained for the rest of the car ride home, and after my swim had me laughing throughout dinner.
When I was getting ready for bed I noticed I had a missed call from Brandon. I'd have to return it tomorrow, I was to wrecked tonight.
The next morning I attend my voice over session, dubbing my lines for clarity in some of the action sequences from the first film. I'm finished by eleven thirty hopefully just in time to make it to The Pit. During a break in our morning session I had returned my brother's call and invited him along to my lunch with Dylan- two birds one stone, with the added bonus of an extra level of safety in case I slip again. After Saturday night not even the busy restaurant made me secure that I could avoid my own personal version of quicksand.
As I walk in from the carpark I see the two of them sharing a table, Dylan looks put out by the change in plans. I'm sure Brandon's arrogant smirk is not helping Dylan to adjust. Walking over I smile at the two of them while internally trying to settle the knot's in my belly. At one stage they both were my favourite people on the planet how quickly three years can change things.
"Hi, sorry I'm late I got stuck in the start of the lunch traffic. I'm not usually on the roads at this time and I forgot how LA can get."
Brandon gives me a confused smile, "no problem Sis you're less than five minutes late."
Dylan gives me a teasing look, "Bren that's surprisingly early for you."
As I sit down I look at both of them, "that's uncharacteristically late for me now. Roy believes anything less than five minutes early is late. It's a habit I've adopted."
Before either can respond I hear from behind me, "Brenda is that you? Is my Laverne finally home?" I smile a genuine smile and quickly get up. This man has always had my back, he never stopped caring and supporting me, he never forgot my history with him or any of my history here. The comfort of his hand or shoulder squeezes at the end of senior year when I was forced to observe a make out session between the two of them was his way to silently acknowledge that it wasn't right, it made me able to bear silent witness keeping my head through the pain. He never condoned their relationship and always made me know I was special and loved, he and Willie made this place always my home.
I give him my best Laverne accent, "Nathan where have you been all my life?"
He's laughing as he takes the last few steps to me before giving me a hug, "honey you're home. We've missed you around here, it's just not the same without you." I pull back and give him a grateful smile, "you back for good?"
"No just for a couple of months, I'm here working on a film project."
He gives me a proud look, "I knew you'd always be a star. From your first night here as Laverne it was clear you could capture an audience, and then you on stage as Maggie, well you have that old Hollywood quality of the greats."
"Thank you. How have you been?"
"I can't complain, the After Dark has been keeping me busy."
"And your heart? Still keeping up with your diet and exercise, though I imagine your stress is back being too high with all the changes." He gives me his nervous look, I look at Brandon and Dylan. "You aren't on him for his diet and exercise?" They both eventually slowly shake their heads, of course they can be great white knights in an emergency but they are both incapable to do the hard yards when the glory ends.
I look at Nat, "come on take me back to your office and show me your schedule we'll book sometimes in this week for you and I to start up your gentle exercise routine. I have eight weeks to get you back into a consistent routine before I leave." When he begins to tell me it's fine I stop him, insisting that he is too important to too many of us not to take care of him. As we begin to walk away I ask about his diet, I groan when he tells me and advise him that I will be over to fill his freezer with healthy meals this week. Working all day around food often meant that when he did have time off he didn't cook properly for himself.
As she walks away with Nat, I look at Brandon. "She's right, I haven't been following up with Nat on his health and heaven knows I added to his stresses last year."
"Yeah none of us have been. She's always been a little more observant than the rest of us. Before she left she'd make sure to fill his freezer with Mum's healthy meals every few weeks. She would even go over and clean his place when he got released from hospital when he wasn't allowed to do anything too physical. When he was able she started going for walks with him every few day's."
"I didn't know that, she never said anything to me." That behaviour screamed Bren and of course she never told the gang, it makes me even more surprised that Brandon was so harsh on her during that time if he knew.
"Or me. Willie told me after she left, he said Nat was taking her being away pretty hard. I guess if we are like his son's then she is-"
"His beloved daughter. He loves the rest of the gang but he has never treated the other girls like he treats her. He'll be angry when he hears she's been home for four weeks and hasn't stopped by. Angry at us that is, he'll know she's been avoiding putting him in the middle not wanting him to lie to either of us."
"I still can't believe she's been here for four weeks, I mean I know I was in Boston for the first two but Mum and Dad could still have told me. We've been emailing and phoning regularly about the house sale falling through."
"You don't know?" He gives me a confused look, "Bren said yesterday that your parents aren't speaking to her after she deferred the year, losing her scholarship as a result. From the sounds of it your parents have been pretty harsh to her about it."
"That makes sense. When they got me my car as a going away present I asked what Brenda was getting Jim said my sister was fine and didn't want or need anything from them. I knew she was doing commercials and small roles in London I thought it meant she was making enough money and had rejected their offer. Being stubborn as usual."
"You know you've been doing that since the end of junior year, making small little digs about her at any opportunity." After getting home yesterday I was forced to reflect on it all, the last three years. The first two with her being here after that summer. If I was going to fix this make her give me another chance, I needed to understand it all. I needed to look beyond my insecure viewpoint of her constantly leaving me, or her rejection at the start of freshman year, I needed to understand all of the viewpoints.
His anger flare's up, Brandon didn't like being called out for bad behaviour. "Don't, you especially don't get to judge me."
"Tell me Brandon who does? Who will? From what I can see none of us are innocent in this but you and me bare the lions share of it." I breathe out and soften my tone, "did you know she was depressed?"
When he doesn't ask me to clarify if I meant here or London I know subconsciously he was at least aware. "She was being melodramatic Bren always could be like that, even as a child."
"Brandon she left Minnesota after a few day's, ran off to get married to a jerk she knew for a few weeks, she broke the law- the girl who wouldn't even skip class broke the law. At times she didn't care what she looked like- she was always beautiful but the grunge flannel look wasn't exactly her style, for most of those two years she was thin too thin, she was pale, and most of all she was desperately unhappy she avoided all of us choosing to hide away from the gang. Look I didn't admit it either but you know as well as I do that she wasn't okay."
"And who's fault was that? Who toyed with her for months during senior year, pretending to be unable to decide only to tell her you chose another girl, and it was the one you had been secretly cheating on her with for months? And don't tell me it wasn't months, Kelly told me of her visits to your place at the start of senior year. You may have not been physical with her once Bren got back but you kept the door open on your summer fling-"
The clearing of a throat makes us both go pale, we had got lost in our bitterness at the other- a habit we had picked up last year. We immediately look over and see Nat and Bren standing there, she is wearing an impenetrable mask showing only a faint fake smile. She heard.
I go to open my mouth to explain about what she just heard but she jumps in, "I'm so sorry when I was in the office I got a call. Roy has decided after meeting with the choreographer, stunt coordinator and my trainer to completely change the blindfold routine I need to run to training immediately as he wants to see the new routine tomorrow. My apologies but you both enjoy your lunch." Nat squeezes her hand and gives her a wink as she quickly leaves the restaurant. I go to follow her out but Nat blocks my path.
"Nat I need to explain."
"Explain that what Brandon said was a lie?" I look down, "yeah I didn't think so. Dylan you can't say anything that can make that better that can explain that behaviour away, and anyway you heard her she needs to get to work." He looks at both of us, "I'll send Nadine over to take your order." With that he leaves.
"Fuck!" I sit heavily back in my seat.
"Shit I didn't mean for her to hear that. I didn't mean to hurt her."
"Yeah neither of us ever do. Fuck! This was my chance, it may have been my only chance."
"She's hear for another eight weeks-"
"Which she told me she is pretty much going to avoid us all besides the bare minimum polite drop in. He won't let her come alone again- fuck!"
"He who?"
"She lives with Roy has for the last year-"
"They are together and yet she went home with you?"
"No, I don't know. She was laughing about his bed partners yesterday so I don't know. I don't think they are, your sister wouldn't be in an open relationship but they are affectionate and they are close, too close. He doesn't like her being here, that was clear. Look I don't know, all I know is they live together, he loves her, she obviously cares for him, and he along with my mother who is friends with him, wants me no where near her."
"I can't blame them for that-"
"My mother wants her no where near any of us, you included."
"She's my sister, my twin I don't care what anyone wants. Bren won't…" he closes his eyes and realises she was never going to call him either. "She will won't she? She'll agree with them and I won't see her again. This lunch was my only shot too and I blew it?" I nod. "Fuck!" We sit quietly for a moment realising that we may have just lost her for good. "D you need to tell me everything you know, everything that was said I'm refusing to lose my sister."
"What so you can keep her away from me? She's, she's… look I know after last year you may not believe me but her and I we were, are meant to be together. You remember junior year you thought as well as her and I-"
"That one day you were going to be formally my brother by marriage. Yeah yeah I did, I thought it was a done deal. You were it, you were part of the family. If that had happened she wouldn't have run away to London, she'd be here, I would still have my twin if that was the case."
"It still could be, it's supposed to be like that. Brandon she's supposed to be with me and I'm supposed to be with her. We can make this right you, me and her, you can get your twin back, me my girl, and we can be brother's again, but we need to work together."
"I'm not helping you just so you can hurt her again-"
"Believe me I won't. I wouldn't do that to her or me again, she has always made me better I can be that better man again."
"And what about Kelly and tracking down your Dad's killer? If Kelly comes running back-"
"I'll happily go over there now and tell her it's over for good, I'll burn that bridge to the ground and blow those ashes away so it can never reform."
"You'd do that even knowing that there is probably no chance that she'll take you back. Bren has already said no and by the looks of it Roy, Iris and now Nat are going to stop you from even trying. You'll throw away any future chance with Kelly for potentially just more rejection from Brenda?"
"Yes. Kelly and I don't work, you know that. We don't work because I can't surrender the dream of your sister, I won't give up the place in me that is solely your sister's. Last year I thought when she didn't come home after the summer, and when she didn't show up when I almost died that she was done with me. I ran back to Kelly because-"
It's like a light bulb goes off behind his eye's he finally gets it. "She's your conciliation prize. That's it isn't it? You ran to her last year because to you Bren not showing up was her rejecting you again. In senior year, you did the same didn't you? You didn't think when Brenda found out about your summer she'd forgive you so you chose the runner up because you were guaranteed a girl, you dragged it on as long as you could because you knew there was no choice. My sister would have walked away once she found out about Kelly being that girl, you tried to keep her as close to you as long as you could. Then you chose Kelly simply because she wouldn't reject you." I keep holding his eyes his disgust was flowing off him in waves, "I wanted to marry her, she was my first choice and you ruined it because you needed to win at least second prize if your first didn't want you. You're-"
"It wasn't that simple or that callous but yes there is more truth than untruths in what you are saying. I ruined Bren and I that summer, I reacted badly to a lot of things you don't know about and well I destroyed my relationship, my future by having that fling. I didn't think she was capable of forgiving me but she did. Look your sister has always had more power over me than I have ever liked to admit, and from the start she has shown me she is capable of leaving me. Every time she has left me. Do you know I have never left her? I'm not capable of it, Kelly came with me to that park because I knew if I went alone I'd never say it. And even then I couldn't say it, I have never said it to her- that I don't want her, that I don't love her, that I wanted someone else. I'm not capable of saying it and if she heard it from my lips she'd know it wasn't true." I run my hand through my hair, "I've fucked up everything, but I'll do anything to make this right with her. To make it how it's supposed to be."
He stands, "you go burn that bridge, then blow those ashes to every corner of the earth so they can never be found, and then lose the fucking map to that place. If you do that then maybe we'll talk about me helping you. Helping each other."