After a painfully silent 15 minutes confined behind the steel bars of an outdated police cruiser, we arrived on my street. Eddie's van came to a screeching halt the moment he could stop across the street, while officer Callahan followed my dad through the cul-de-sac until he parked in front of the house. My dad pulled his Lincoln Town Car into the shallow driveway. The street was dark and quiet save for the cacophony of our caravan and the three sets of headlights pointed in different directions.
"Make this quick, kid. I gotta get back to the station for paperwork," Officer Callahan said as he cut the engine. Without Chief Powell around, he wasn't going to waste time. He was in charge, and he was over it.
Eddie was at the car door at the same time as Officer Callahan left the driver's seat, releasing me from a back seat that wouldn't open on its own. There was urgency there, like he couldn't stand to be away from me during the short time it took to drive across town and back to my house. I gave him a sympathetic smile, as if to say, "sorry you're wrapped up in all this bullshit, but thank you for being here," but he didn't smile in return. He just took my hand as we followed my dad and Officer Callahan up to the house.
"You, stay." My dad commanded Eddie on the doorstep, not allowing him beyond the threshold of the house. I was reminded of the night of the dance, this is the same spot where they were first introduced. Now he was instructed to stay on the stoop like some mange ridden street dog. He was to blame for absolutely none of this, yet he was being treated like a criminal. How badly I wished to flip the mirror on my father and reveal the true culprit of this whole mess.
As soon as the door was unlocked, I headed right up the stairs to my room. My mom called for me from the living room but stopped when she saw my dad walk in with the officer. Did she even know he had gone to find me? Either way, I wanted to make this quick, didn't have time for explanations to my mom. I was worried if I did, I would cave and change my mind. I was no stranger to self sacrifice to appease others, and surrendering would make the situation easier for everyone. Everyone but me, that is. I forced myself to keep moving, to follow through.
I grabbed a duffel bag from my closet and began haphazardly stuffing in what I could. I only chose the basics, not knowing how long I was packing for. I wasn't even sure that I was creating anything that would suffice for a coherent outfit, but I would worry about that in the morning.
I could hear my mom from the living room asking questions, and Officer Callahan answering her in a monotone. Her tone raised and voice carried as she was enlightened to the situation at hand. I don't blame her, I'd be shocked too if an officer escorted my drunk husband and runaway daughter to my home past dark.
She called my name frantically more than once, but all that did was increase the urgency with which I packed. I could hear Officer Callahan interject and force her to give me my space, and luckily she never came upstairs. I silently thanked him for not letting her interrupt, because that would be one more chance for me to be trapped. My eyes were already budding with tears, I didn't need the added pressure of her begging me to stay.
Once my bag sufficiently stuffed, my was last stop was the bathroom. I frantically grabbed my shower supplies and toiletries. I almost shut the bathroom light off to leave when I remember to grab a box of tampons, which I surely wasn't to find at the Munson residence.
Descending the stairs, I could hear my mom crying. When she heard me on the stairs she began pleading for me to stay, throwing out excuses of how we'd settle things, he didn't mean it, just get some sleep and we'd all be calm in the morning. I lingered on the bottom steps with my head down, avoiding all of them. Officer Callahan tried unsuccessfully to stop her while my dad stood there, still as a statue. His silence and refusal to do anything made me more unsettled than being confronted by a hysterical mother. I was scared to know his true thoughts at a moment like this. Never one to fight fair, I wondered how this would come back and bite me in the ass later.
I wish I could've skirted out of there, opened the door and gone into the night without a second glance. But the pain in my mom's voice rattled my conscience until I finally looked into her eyes. Empathy stirred within, I couldn't help but acknowledge her mutual victimhood in the grand scheme of things. In all the years of their marriage, I was now certain she had been subjected to much more than I was privy to. In many ways she was trapped by marriage, I couldn't begin to speculate how she felt, and I pitied her. But as her daughter, my cage was co-created by her own devices. Maybe she couldn't help it, but I resented her for not being strong enough to protect her kin. I wouldn't blame the victim, but I also couldn't justify all the warning signs she ignored in the name of peacekeeping. All the ways she would placate her partner and neglect her children's needs.
I had to choose in my best interest, something the adults in my life had never done for me. I held her eyes only as I announced my departure.
"I can't stay here tonight. Please don't come after me. I'll call in a few days." That's all I could promise, and I wasn't sure if it was one I could keep.
"Annie, please."
This time it was my dad. There was something to his voice. Was it hurt and shame, or a concerted effort to command respect and control? I couldn't tell the difference. His face was impossible to read.
"You don't get to hurt me," I said, more a reminder to myself than a declaration. Something changed in his eyes, but I didn't let it get to me. I needed to get out of here.
I heard my mother's sobs as Officer Callahan shut the door behind me.
On the doorstep, Eddie grabbed the bag from my hands and walked silently by my side. Officer Callahan instructed us to go straight home and call the station if anything happens. He didn't even wait for us to get to the van before driving away.
Once in the van we drove away immediately, eager to put as much distance between us and that place. The tension was thick in the air as I began to process everything that happened tonight now that we were alone. I waited until we were beyond my street to speak.
"I'm sorry I ruined your show." I had already apologized for this many times at The Hideout to Eddie and his band mates, but it seemed important to reiterate.
"Don't be," Eddie said, his hand meeting mine in my lap. "The first three songs were the best anyway. The rest were total bummers, very drum-heavy," he said, trying to lighten the mood.
"That doesn't make me feel any better."
"Sorry…"
We fell back into silence. I tried to quiet my brain to prevent myself from spiraling, and I was probably squeezing his hand to hell and back. I knew realistically I was safe in the car, but I still felt scared. It was a few moments before Eddie spoke again.
"Why didn't you file a report?" He asked. I may have imagined judgement where it wasn't in the simple question. With even just the slightest hint that he would second guess or be disappointed by my choices, I felt my guard snap back into place.
"I don't owe you an explanation." How do you explain to someone that I acted against my best interest because I knew I wouldn't be believed? Because I knew it would do more harm than good?
"You're right, you don't," he said, smoothing his thumb across my wrist where it lay.
I immediately regretted snapping, but it was too late to take it back, so I just shut up. Our hands stayed linked until he had to shift gears, and he never moved his hand back.
More silence followed as we drove through the dark. There was hardly anyone on the road, Hawkins was a dead town after dark, especially on weeknights, so the trip was quick. I was caught up in my own thoughts and self blaming until one particular thought donned on me as we neared the trailer park.
"I never paid Frank for the special beer," I blurted suddenly.
Eddie laughed at my sudden urgency of something that was so not important in comparison. "You're fine, I'm sure it was on the house."
"Are you sure? Maybe we should go back. I never got to thank him, or apologize…."
"You can let him know next time. He was probably happy to be able to close up early for a change."
"Are you sure?" I felt so guilty that yet another person had been inconvenienced by my chaos tonight. Frank had been so genuine and welcoming, and I pay him in kind by having his joint shut down early by a petty domestic dispute.
"I'm sure, sweetheart."
"Okay…" I agreed, while silently accumulating a list of all the people I owed sincere apologies to. It was growing longer by the minute.
Once we got to Eddie's trailer, I helped him unload the equipment from the van. When everything was inside we sort of lingered in the entryway, not sure what came next or who spoke first. It wasn't necessarily uncomfortable, but there was a lot of unspoken brevity weighing down our normal lighthearted nature. Where last night we may have been able to avoid the gravity and seek comfort in pleasure, today we were reminded of the wicked cruelty of it all.
It was Eddie who spoke first.
"Do you need anything?"
"Just a hot shower. Do you mind?" I was in his space, after all, and refused to take for granted the unrelenting kindness I was being shown.
"Of course not, it's all yours."
I grabbed my shower toiletries from my belongings while Eddie started the shower for me. I came into the bathroom as he was adjusting the temperature knobs.
"The hot water tap is wicked sensitive, I don't want you burning yourself by accident. Does this feel okay?"
I stood beside him and dipped my hand below the running faucet. It's true the bathroom was modest, but the temperature was perfect and the water pressure was steady and soothing. It was just what I needed to wash away this day.
"Yeah, this is great," I said, really looking up at him for the first time since we had left The Hideout. His lips curled in the slightest as I met his deep chocolate eyes, a smile forming that he was incapable of masking. Steam was rapidly filling the room and I could see the water vapor already attaching itself to his wild tendrils, curled from the sweat of performing on stage. Without thought, I reached up and twirled a string of his hair around my finger, accentuating the curl. I kept twirling until I got to the end and released my finger, leaving the perfect ringlet. We lingered in the moment as the water pounded beside us, faces perilously close.
"Let me get you a clean towel," he said as my hand dropped. I nodded okay.
As he left, I started taking my top off with my back to the door. I did this slowly, not sure when he'd return with the towel. Somehow this felt more intimate than all the times we had undressed each other under the cloak of night. Those were rushed movements of hungry delight. Undressing in front of someone at any other time tended to be painfully awkward and embarrassing. I deliberately kept my bra on as I moved to remove my pants.
"Towel is right here," Eddie said by the doorway, leaving the towel on the rack and giving me space.
"Thank you," I said over my shoulder, still in my underwear.
"Don't use all the hot water, I need to wash up after you."
As he turned to go, the sinking feeling of being alone crept in. When he was away, it felt like a part of my soul went with him. Like I could only breathe normally when he was nearby. On top of that, I really didn't want to leave the impression that I was shutting him out, our words had been short ever since I snapped in the car. He was giving me distance out of respect, but I needed him close.
The door was almost shut when I raised my voice to ask, "Join me?"
I turned to see him lingering in the doorway. "Of course, if that's what you want."
"Just… give me a few minutes head start?" I asked.
"Sure," he said, leaving the door cracked for my privacy.
Swirls of steam were coating the bathroom with humidity, but goosebumps were forming on my skin. My heart was already hammering at the thought of actually showering with Eddie, though I was the one who had suggested it in the first place. I quickly removed my bra and underwear, set my supplies into the caddy hanging from the shower head, and hopped in. I was anxious to not waste any of the time I was allotted to smooth out my nerves.
Once in the shower, I ran my hands through my hair to let the water soak it through. A few deep breaths of steam felt good in my lungs, loosened the tension I didn't realize I was carrying in my chest. I rushed to take care of the things that were best left alone to privacy. It was only a few minutes before there was a rap at the door.
"Can I come in?" Eddie asked from the doorway.
"Yes," I replied, my heart quickening. I can't explain how this felt like such an intimate, new frontier in our relationship, but it made me nervous all the same. Ever since I was old enough to be on my own, showering had become a sacred ritual, invaluable me time.
I expected a few moments of final preparation, assuming he still had to undress, but apparently he had already done that. He slowly pulled the curtain back, standing before me completely nude like it was the most natural thing in the world. He wasn't shy about eyeing me either as he stepped in, but it wasn't a look of lust or desire, just pure adoration.
"Hey, beautiful," he said, lingering just outside of the tub.
"Come here," I encouraged, nervous but eager to get on with it.
Eddie reached his hands out to me as he stepped into the shower, and I took them to prevent a slippery entrance. I stepped backwards towards the shower head to give him full access to the stream of water, and he stepped below the cascading water. With his head tilted back and eyes closed, I allowed myself to look at his pure form. Most of the time we had spent in various states of undress had been in the dark, and I haven't had the chance to commit his figure to memory. The dim light behind the shower curtain was just enough for a precursory introduction to a subject I wanted to know every inch of. I wanted to memorize the angle of his collarbones, the taut muscles and tendons along his arms that flexed as he lifted his hands to wet his hair. I watched the water trickle down his chest, flowing over the slightest suggestions of solid muscle underneath the pale skin. The subtle trail of hair on his tummy leading below to a sacred place. I wanted to keep looking, but he whipped his head back and eyed me questioningly, disrupting my visual exploration.
"Why are you so far away?"
"If I get any closer I'm going to be water boarded," I reasoned. I had nearly backed myself along the shower wall as I watched him, and I was caught in an area where no water was hitting me.
Eddie came forward until we were nearly nose to nose, but we didn't kiss. Instead he put his hands gingerly on my hips as he shifted us around 180 so I was standing in the rear and his back was at the tallest point of the shower stream so we were both coated in warm water. I didn't know whether to be impressed or disappointed that we were able to pirouette without our bodies pressed against one another. There was still a distance between us, only contact of hands touching hips.
For a brief moment after the shift, the water was bouncing off his head in a way that was spattering violently in my face. This made us both laugh and eased the tension before he shifted to relieve me of the pelting droplets.
"Better?" He asked, shaking his wet bangs out of his eyes.
"Better" I agreed.
I stepped forward, tightening the lens of his immediate view to just my head and upper torso. I was such a hypocrite, terrified for his eyes to see every inch of my vulnerability when I found myself wanting to see every bit of him in return. Closer was better. Less room for eyes to wander.
"Want me to wash your hair?" Eddie asked.
"Sure, the shampoo is behind you."
He placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me yet again, leading our little dance. The shampoo bottle opened with a pop and Eddie squeezed a generous amount into his palm. He rubbed his hands together, then began working it into my hair. He massaged the shampoo from root to tip delicately, carefully coating every hair on my head. Once thoroughly shampooed, his hands settled on my shoulders and began rubbing his thumbs in circles along the back of my neck. I tend to carry my worry in my shoulders, and they had become rather stiff. I sunk into his grasp as he used his palms to rub out the tension. An involuntary moan escaped my mouth as his hands worked wonders on my aching muscles.
"Mmm, you smell like brown sugar oatmeal," he said, leaning in closer, inhaling the air.
"Do you like it?"
"It's delectable, I could take a bite out of you." His face was close, I could feel his hair fall on my shoulders as his fingers kept working. Suddenly I couldn't recall the last time we had kissed. Was it at The Hideout? That seemed so long ago, and the desire was building.
"Maybe let's wash the shampoo out first," I said with a nervous chuckle.
He turned me around again so I had full access to the stream of water. I realized quickly that whatever modesty I thought I had was out the window when he stepped back and I knew he'd be watching me. I leaned my head back into the water and rinsed the shampoo out as quickly as I could, not lifting my arms above my shoulders, avoiding being showy.
When I opened my eyes, Eddie was watching with his mouth slightly opened, caught halfway in a smile he forgot to finish. I forced myself to keep my eyes level with his face, imagining what I might find below his waistline that would confirm the blissful look on his face. I narrowed my eyes at him, but he didn't move.
"Are you malfunctioning?" I asked.
"I could watch water drip off your nipples all night," Eddie replied without an ounce of shame. Then there it was, that full cheeky smile that I was waiting for.
"Next time we're showering with the lights off," I said jokingly, crossing my arms over my chest.
"No no no," he said urgently, grabbing my arms and uncrossing them. "I'm just admiring is all."
"It's your turn," I said, pushing on his torso as I turned him to face the back wall. I had every intention of grabbing the shampoo immediately and getting to work, but my brain was preoccupied with this new angle of Eddie and I wanted to soak it all in.
Dark tendrils stuck to his neck, shades darker than shone in the sun from being soaking wet. I swept his hair to the side to get a better view. His shoulders were broad on his thin frame and my eyes followed along the curve of his neck. If I didn't have to stand on my tiptoes to reach, I would have taken a bite. I had to settle for a kiss on the flat of his back instead as I held onto his arms for stability. My hands had a mind of their own as they traced the bone of his shoulder blades, slid down his spine, and hovered at the dimples of his lower back.
"Shampoo?" He said questioningly when my hands got dangerously low.
"Oh. Right," I said, fixing my hands around his hips. "I'm just admiring, is all." I loved being able to turn his words against him at a moment's notice. I gave his hips a little squeeze as I kissed his back again, then turned to grab the shampoo bottle.
I shampooed his hair with the same delicate attention he had shown me. When he rinsed his hair out, I too watched his motions, allowing my eyes to review every part of him. Watched as water trickled down his torso and below.
"What is it," Eddie asked when confronted with my curling smile.
"I could watch water drip off your…"
"That's enough, little parrot" he said with a laugh, cutting me off with a hand over my mouth. I squirmed and finished the sentence in muffled words behind his hand. He snaked his other arm over top of me and held me in an indelicate grip as I playfully struggled. I grasped his arms and tried to pry them away, but he wasn't letting go.
This was the most out bodies had collided all night beyond gentle grazes of the hand. When I was done struggling, Eddie removed the hand from my mouth and used it to tuck away the hair that had fallen in my face. We both kind of eased up, but didn't disengage. The slick water added an extra layer of decadence to the build up. My chest slipped against his as he turned until our bodies were pressed into each other, arms clutching closely. I didn't even care that it was a little bit cold in all the places I wasn't being pelted with water. I could feel every curve of his body against mine, yet it wasn't close enough.
"Why haven't we done this sooner?" He was smiling down at me with his hand still curved behind my ear. I thought it plenty, but that smile would destroy me one day.
"We kind of went from 0 to 100, I'd say this came right on time." My words were breathy, distracted by all the places my skin was burning at points of contact.
"Still not soon enough."
Eddie cupped his hand beneath my chin and lifted my head to his. Our lips finally met, our heads out of stream but warm water flowing over our bodies. The kiss felt like a first, afire with fresh delights. It burned like the hundredth, familiar and fierce. Even the gentlest of kisses were a blissful release, his lips perfectly molded to match my own.
I brought my hand up to the back of his neck, pulling him closer in earnest. I welcomed his tongue with my own. My fingers strayed down the front of his neck, petting the thin layers where his pulse thrummed. He groaned into my mouth, I could feel the vibrations under my fingertips. 0 to 100 was an accurate assessment, as self restraint wasn't either of our strong suits.
In one swift moment, I was pushed up against the back of the shower wall. Eddie grabbed my thigh and hitched my knee up towards his hip. Hand tangled in my hair, he began trailing kisses below my jaw and down my neck.
"I think sex in the shower might be a hazard for me," I said as his kisses strayed lower down my chest, tantalizing the top of my breasts.
"Not everything has to end in sex, Annie, behave yourself." As he said this, he cupped my breast in his hand and swirled his tongue over my nipple.
"Now who's the tease," I breathed, arching my back to give him better access.
"Not a tease, just enjoying what I have," he said, moving to my other breast, showing equal attention.
I didn't notice I was shivering until he pointed it out.
"I'm sorry, I promise I'll be good," Eddie said, backing away.
I scowled a little, but he straightened up and pulled me back under the hot water. Our bodies pressed close once more, his arms holding me firmy as I was swept back in for another kiss. When he fit himself perfectly against my curves I could feel his want, thick with desire. I wanted to feel him in my hands, get to know every facet and intricacy of his body. I burned to feel him all around me.
"Eddie," I whispered, reaching down to touch him. He caught my hand before I could get there and intertwined our fingers.
"An uncontrollable symptom of being close to you," he said. "It'll pass." He kissed me again, holding my hand firmly.
"I want to make you feel good," I whispered after pulling away. He had given me so much, and I longed to repay the favor.
"I know you do, but I don't need it. I just want to hold you."
I couldn't disagree, and I wasn't necessarily disappointed. It was sweetly intimate, without any expectation except to be present in the moment. Sex wasn't imperative to be able to enjoy this connection, and I appreciated the freedom of just being with each other in the most vulnerable way.
I could have stayed until the water ran cold, but he reminded me we weren't finished actually cleaning ourselves. The rest of the shower was playful and light, sudsing each other with soapy water and a lot more kissing. Eventually we had to finish up as our fingers were getting pruned and the water wasn't as warm as when we had started.
We toweled each other off and then wrapped the towels around ourselves, his around his waist, mine around my chest. He wiped the fog clean off the mirror, the grabbed my comb from the toiletries bag. My back to him, he started combing out the tangles that had formed on my head, gently working from the tips of my hair. This simple moment of care had my heart buzzing. I watched him through the mirror as he sweetly took care of me with tender precision.
Don't you know this is how you get girls to fall deeper, Eddie Munson?
An unearthed I love you rooted in the soils of my soul. Eager for release, but too fragile to bud and break the surface just yet. For now it would fester, soaking in the sediment, longing for the light. I had to water it, make sure it was mature before I let it grow.
No declarations would come tonight.
No, "I love yous," but unspoken acts of service and love language abound.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"For?" He was focused on the roots, careful not to pull too hard as the comb now moved freely through my locks. He looked up, I met his eyes in the mirror.
"For being mine."
He granted me another smile, one I was determined to commit to memory.
"It was inevitable. I was yours the minute you forced your way into my life with your silly little French lessons."
"To be fair, I needed the extra credit."
"You cheeky little fuck," he said, setting the comb down, wrapping his arms around me from behind and resting his chin on my shoulder with a smile. We both stared forward into the mirror. I don't remember the last time I looked into the mirror and felt content with what I saw, but the way he eyed me brought out a glow I wasn't aware I had. I loved that reflection.
"You're mine," Eddie whispered into my hair, inhaling deeply.
It shocked me that something so simple could ripple to my core. At the end of this day, I was starting to feel like I belonged nowhere. The kids at school turned on me like a dime with whispers and lies. I was forced to turn on my parents to protect myself. And I felt estranged from even my closest friends amidst this mess, only a facsimile of the truth shared with them. Yet here was this boy, a total outcast to society, a title he hadn't earned but embraced all the same. Forced to pave his own way with a refusal for conformity. He arguably belonged to no one, but he claimed me with ease.
I didn't mean to, but I began to cry. It was subtle and silent, but he noticed all the same. I turned in his arms and he held me as I laid my head against his chest and let a few tears fall. "You're mine, you're mine," he whispered over and over, smoothing his hand over my hair, kissing my forehead, tenderly rocking me. I whispered apologies, but he wasn't having it.
I pulled my head back to look up at him. He swiped his thumbs under my eyes, wiping away the tears.
"You must be exhausted."
I nodded. "It's been a long fucking day."
"That's partially my fault. Let's get some sleep."
"Okay," I whispered as he kissed my forehead and released his hold.
I love you
The thoughts I couldn't say lodged in my brain. I had a feeling they would rattle there until I was brave enough to let them out.
We finished prepping for bed, brushing our teeth and getting clothed. It was all so domestic, but we got into a gentle groove. We chatted as we made the bed haphazardly together.
"I can't wait to go to another Corroded Coffin show that isn't interrupted by a possessive narcissist," I said, crawling onto what was becoming my side of the bed.
"Really?" He asked, sitting up beside me.
"Yeah, I was really enjoying myself. Why didn't you tell me you could sing?" Head on his shoulder, I picked up the hand that was closest and fidgeted with the rings on his fingers.
"It's not really something I go around doing aside from with the band. I'm mostly focused on playing the guitar."
"Obviously you're great at that too, but I love your voice."
"Really?" He asked again, like he wasn't used to being complimented on anything but his guitar skills.
"Will you sing for me?" I settled lower into the crook of his arm, not letting go of his hand.
"Now?"
"Mmhmm."
"Needy little thing," he nudged playfully, but obliged all the same. "What do you want me to sing?"
"Anything. A lullaby. Something to help me sleep."
"Rockabye baby…"
"Be serious," I smacked his arm playfully.
"Mmm. Okay." He was silent for a moment, thinking of his options. After a short pause, he began humming, then began a song I didn't recognize. The tune was melodic and morose, but perfectly paired with the dulcet tone of his voice. I closed my eyes to listen to his song. As he sang, he gently drew his fingers along the lines of my palms.
"Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired, and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up on my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up on my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be"
We drifted into silence when he finished.
"What song was that?" I asked, breaking the quiet.
"Asleep by The Smiths."
"It's about dying?"
"Morrissey wrote it after his friend passed away. In the song he expresses how he's grown tired of this world and looks forward to a better one. People conjecture it's about his desire to be with his friend again."
"It's hauntingly beautiful."
"Sometimes, the best things are," he said, leaning down to meet my lips. The sweetest of kisses left the strongest desire.
I am in love with you
"Thank you for sharing it with me."
"Of course," he said, swirling his thumb in gentle circles over my wrist. "Shall I keep singing or should we go to sleep?"
"I will never say no to hearing you sing, but we can go to sleep." I was exhausted after all, and could use the rest.
We sunk below until our heads reached the pillow, cuddled into a mess of tangled limbs. Docile goodnights were whispered against soft lips. He grazed the back of his fingers across my face and neck between kisses, always touching me somewhere. It left me wondering if his love language was acts of service or physical touch. Perhaps the perfect combination of both. And even though I said he didn't need to, as I was drifting off he began humming the next song. This one I recognized as Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.
My last thought before drifting off?
I will always love you.
It wasn't long before the nightmares chased me awake. They weren't even particularly vivid or scary, just various scenarios of me needing to get as far away from my father, as quickly as possible. I wondered what tomorrow would look like, or next week, what battles I would have to fight next. My traitor of a mind made it impossible to calm my thoughts. Instead of trying to sleep through the struggles and lie awake for hours, I decided fresh air was what I needed. I left Eddie slumbering softly in the bed, slipped on some shoes, and went out into the night.
It was a cloudless evening, refreshingly crisp. The turn of the season was taunting me with its blissful tranquility as my life crashed around its beauty. So infinitesimal was the effect of my crash, a minor blemish on the pavement that would be washed away with the next rain. I wanted to scream into the silence but I knew it was no use. So I walked, hoping the silence would provide some clarity to my overactive thoughts.
The neighborhood was still except for a slight breeze, the first few leaves of fall swirling against the dirt road. I walked until I stopped at the modest, desolate playground a few houses down. All was silent but for the chains of the swings, creaking lightly against the rusted structure they dangled from. I contemplated creating my own creaky rhythm on the swing, but I didn't quite trust that the chain wouldn't give out if I sat. Besides, it looked like a corner of the swing set wasn't even in ground anymore. I chose the next best thing, the steel geodome that seemed firmly situated within the earth. The metal was slick with dew, but I climbed carefully until I reached the top, sitting a stone throw closer to the stars. Grasping firmly onto the bars beside me, I leaned back to admire the sky.
I tried to spot the constellations I knew, but stopped once I realized I could only properly identify Orion, Ursa Major and Minor. Then I remembered what my brother told me about identifying planets versus stars. The trick was, planets didn't twinkle. I thought I saw a few but I wasn't certain what I was looking at. I was sure the orange tinted planet I saw straight ahead was Mars, but there were two planets hovering nearby to the right that I couldn't identify. Was it Saturn and Jupiter? I was kicking myself for not remembering.
I'm not sure how long I stayed up there examining the sky. My eyes were adjusted to the indigo sky and I was so focused on a space light years away, that I never heard the door open, never saw the light pooling onto the ground from the doorway. So lost in my thoughts, I wasn't aware of footsteps approaching until it was too late.
A familiar voice broke the silence.
"I'm glad if you're going to run away, at least you don't go too far to catch."
I startled and nearly fell back out of fright, but caught myself with my hands before completely eating shit on the playground.
"Careful" Eddie said trepidatiously. "I didn't mean to scare you."
Once I was certain I wasn't going to fall, I brought my hand to my chest to steady my quickened heart. "Mission failed," I said, catching my breath.
"I woke up and you were gone. You're trying to leave me so soon?" Eddie said, looking up at me with hands in his pockets.
"Ya know, I tried, but I'm not the best with directions and I kept winding up back here. Do you know the way?"
"Follow the star," he said, pointing to the sky. We both looked up at Polaris, the North Star, handle tip of the Little Dipper.
"But North leads home, so I would have to go the opposite direction. And that would mean turning around to check I was going south correctly, and my equilibrium isn't great in the dark so I would have just been dizzy."
He laughed as he began climbing the trellis to join me. "You're right, it's probably safer if you stay here. Just don't make me like, tie you up at night or have to come find you in the dark again, deal?"
"Are you afraid of the dark?" I teased, totally joking.
"No, you just never know when Michael Myers is waiting for his next victim." He said. At that moment an owl hooted in the distance, and Eddie startled so badly he lost his footing on one of the metal rungs.
"Oh my god, Eddie Munson is totally afraid of the dark!"
"I am not afraid of the dark! This town is fuckin' cursed, okay? There could be like, monsters hiding in the woods for all I know."
"Think I can get Nancy Wheeler to write a student profile about you in the next school paper? Eddie Munson, D Dungeon Master by Day, Afraid of the Dark by Night."
"Sounds riveting, I'm sure everyone will read it. Scooch," he said as he joined me at the top of the structure. I scooted over to make room on the top. "What are you doing up here anyway?"
"I couldn't sleep, so I came up here to think."
"What about?"
"You really wanna know?"
"Would I have asked?"
"I'm going to sound fucking mental, but hear me out."
He turned to face me, full attention on what I was about to say. I took a deep breath before continuing.
"You know how when people have babies, they go around saying stuff like, 'I never knew this type of love existed before. I promise to always love and protect my child,' ?"
"Yeah?" He didn't know where I was going with this, and I didn't expect him to.
"Lately I hear that and I can't help but think, what a bunch of fucking hypocrites. Do they even know they're lying?"
"How so?" Eddie asked.
"Sure, they might mean it at first. They love the child because it's innocent and defenseless. Human babies are so goddamn dependent, and weak people love feeling needed. But then the kid starts growing, starts learning and developing a personality. Suddenly their wants and needs aren't so basic anymore. Suddenly their little bundle of joy requires more than just being fed and clothed and comforted. And that scares the shit out of the parents because now they have to actually try. The kid begins to question everything, wants to try new things, figure out who they are.
Suddenly, they don't like basketball, they want to play hockey. So you have to buy brand new, expensive equipment that'll sit in the garage rotting after Johnny gives up Hockey and wants to join band instead. So you buy him a drum set, but a year later he'd rather learn the trumpet. It's an endless cycle and why couldn't he just stick with basketball in the first place?"
I was rambling at this point, but he stuck with me.
"And that's when resentment kicks in for the parents, because there is push back. They can try all they want, but that kid will eventually be whoever it wants to be in spite of everything the parents tried to do. And there's conflict because it turns out Johnny is actually a person with complex thoughts and feelings, and is the exact opposite of the perfect baby boy they promised to protect. And the parent is thinking, I bought you the nicest clothes, fed you healthy meals, and drove you to practice 3 times a week, what do you mean you hate me? Because while they were fighting to get the kid to submit, they never bothered figuring out how to emotionally connect with their child.
So, in summary, I think it's bullshit that new parents promise their child the world, because how could they be so sure? More often than not, they're the ones who end up causing irreparable damage. Like, how dare you promise to love me, but constantly be the ones causing me the most pain?"
There was a beat while he worked over the absolutely unhinged word vomit stream of consciousness I just unloaded on him. There was no secret I was having these feelings about my own situation.
"You think I'm crazy, don't you?" I asked.
"I don't think you're crazy… I think what it comes down to is most of us are too fucking selfish to have what it takes to be good parents. People have kids because it's expected, or enhances their perfect image, but in reality they're just birthing the next generation of kids to eternally fuck up… Only the really good parents have enough gall to sacrifice their ego and raise good humans," Eddie said.
"I guess it goes both ways though," I added. "We grow up idolizing our parents, we think they're infallible. Then the curtain falls and we start learning that they're people too, and they are capable of huge mistakes. The rose colored glasses fade and you realize… it's all bullshit. They don't know any better, but at least they could fucking try to not totally fuck up their kids."
"I think my cynicism might be rubbing off on you, Annie."
"No… I used to have such fresh optimism for life, and now that's waning… Like, I don't expect things to be perfect, but at the very least I'd expect my parents to respect me?"
"I think that would require them respecting themselves, which they might not have the capacity to," Eddie conjectured.
"Maybe… I don't know, I just want to be a normal teenager while I still can. I want to have fun, and fall in love without worrying what my parents will think, and make stupid mistakes, and be dangerous and uncouth without constantly thinking about the consequences. I think that's the only way I'm really going to figure out who I am."
"Well luckily you have this really cool new friend who might have a trick or two to help you along the journey," he said with a smile, winding my pinky finger into his own. "I want all of those things for you, too."
"Sometimes it feels like my life is simultaneously ending and beginning at the same time. Like, everything's falling to shit but in a weird way I'm also the happiest I've ever been? I don't know how I would have gotten through any of this without you."
"You need to give yourself more credit, it's all you, kid. I'm just happy to be along for the ride."
"I don't know, I think we make a pretty good team." I said, lying my head on his shoulder. He leaned his head too to rest on mine.
"The best. But, uh, your super cool friend is cold and tired and wants to cuddle. Can we go back inside yet?"
"Fine, but only because you promised cuddles."
He lifted his head off mine and turned towards me with his dazzling smile. Forbidden I love yous threatened to bubble to the surface again. I choked them down and returned the smile, words thoroughly suppressed, for now.
Eddie climbed down the structure first so he could make sure I made my way down without slipping on the dewey rungs. He took my hand when I was firmly on the ground and we began the short walk home.
We were ascending the porch when a rogue fox chattered in the woods, and Eddie absolutely startled at the noise.
"Oh my god, I hope I run into Nancy at school tomorrow," I said with a laugh as we walked into the trailer and headed for his bedroom.
"Huh?"
"For the Eddie Munson Exposé" I laughed.
"You're delusional," he huffed, following me into the room.
"Yeah but at least I'm not afraid of the dark," I quipped as I flicked the light switch off and dragged him down into the bed with me.
The next morning began much like the last, rude awakenings by an aggressive alarm clock that rang far too early for my liking.
After we both got out of bed, Eddie caught up with Wayne in the kitchen over a cup of coffee, which I realized was their routine. Wayne wasn't much of a conversationalist, but Eddie filled in the gaps. He let Wayne know what happened with the police last night, and Wayne reiterated that I was welcome to stay. I could tell he really enjoyed these brief moments where their lives collided, so much of their time was stolen by schedules and responsibilities. I still very much felt like a guest in the whole equation, so I gave them space as I readied myself for school.
When we pulled up to the parking lot we ran into the Corroded Coffin boys hanging out on their usual bench outside. I apologized to them again for cutting their set short and the night ending how it did. They were all gracious, and invited me to join their practice on Sunday night, which I happily accepted. Anything to hear Eddie play again.
They asked if everything went okay the rest of the night, wondering what happened with my dad, but Eddie covered for me by not revealing much of the details. We hadn't talked about it, but it was best that people didn't really know the truth for now. Hawkins is a small town, and word travels. I already wondered if my father was facing any ramifications today from a run in with the police. His only consequence was probably a wicked hangover.
We said goodbye to the boys and Eddie walked me to my locker to gather my things, like he had the last two days prior. This pitstop before having to face the rest of the day alone was slowly becoming my favorite routine.
I gathered my books and grumbled about how I didn't want to go to class or detention after school. We had a few minutes before the final bell for homeroom rang, and we tried to take advantage of the time before we'd have to separate, talking about assignments we both had neglected this week and upcoming tests. Before I knew it, it was time to go.
I leaned in for a goodbye kiss, our lips barely touching when we heard the offensive sounds of teenage idiocy taunting us.
"Hey Munson, why don't you share the slut with the rest of us?" I didn't even recognize the jock who said it by name, but I know I had seen him around the likes of Kurt and his buddies at least once. He shouted loud enough that enough people turned to look in our direction.
"Don't-" I tried to stop Eddie from instigating further, but he had a quip fully loaded and nothing was going to stop it from coming out.
"I would, but just think of how that would make your left hand feel," Eddie said with a sarcastic sympathetic frown.
"Fuck you, man." The jock said back.
"Hmm, tempting, but again, I'm afraid your hand would be jealous."
The jock huffed and stormed away without another word. It wasn't even particularly vile, but Eddie had pissed him off nonetheless.
"Well that pretty much confirms Kurt never called off his henchmen," I sighed. Because why would the airhead listen to me.
"He's dead the next time I see him," Eddie quipped.
"Not if I don't get him first," I sighed. I just wanted all this stupid gossip to stop. By now the whole school knew I was going with Eddie, we weren't being private about it by any means, so why couldn't they just let it go?
Eddie could see I was trapped in my mind and changed the subject.
"Hey, wanna have a movie night tonight? I feel like we could use something lowkey."
"Yes, please. I will happily eat my whole weight in shitty microwave popcorn and forget about all these fuckers for a few hours in dissociative bliss."
"Great, we can swing by the video store on the way home and pick something out."
"I can't wait. See you in detention?" I asked, as though it was even a question if he would show up. Maybe before he would've skipped, but now we both actually looked forward to that quiet time together.
He took my face in his hands, finishing the kiss that was so rudely interrupted. It was the last kiss we would have for the next several hours, and he made it a good one. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
School passed by quickly and uneventfully. At lunch, I didn't have the energy to explain to my friends what had happened last night, so I told them there had been no developments. Instead, we listened to Claire go on about her crush of the week, a junior in her Spanish class that she was paired up with on an oral project. She talked practically the whole period, I could probably describe the guys dimples perfectly without ever having seen him, but I was grateful for the distraction.
After detention, Eddie and I jumped in the van and headed to the local movie rental place.
The Family Video was situated in a mini strip mall next to the Arcade. There were quite a few cars in the parking lot, but no one seemed to be patronizing the video store. Like mosquitos to the light, everyone in the parking lot was flocking to the flashing lights and dopamine release that the Arcade doled out for the small price of a quarter a game. Sun faded movie posters and a life size cardboard cutout of The Terminator couldn't compete with the flash and show of the arcade next door.
The shop was virtually empty except Robin Buckley and her friend Steve Harrington, fairly new employees of the movie rental joint. They hadn't yet fallen victim to the quick burnout and heavy turnover that happens when you're subjected to rewind and rent out The Care Bears and Neverending Story to the 100th family of bratty kids.
I knew Robin from school, we were in the same year, and have shared plenty of classes throughout school. I wouldn't say we were particularly close, but our social circles overlapped a bit, and I knew she was one of the few people that were worth a damn in our year. She had become close with Harrington over the last year working together at Scoops Ahoy in the mall before it burned down. Steve never left town for College like most of the kids in his graduating class, so he was always driving her to and from places in his free time.
Robin and Steve were still fastening their uniform frocks when we walked in the door, their shifts must have just started for the evening. Robin waved hello to me, but I'm not going to pretend like Steve was particularly happy to see Eddie Munson walk into his place of business, based on the way his face dropped.
"Still not graduated, Munson?" Steve said when he saw us.
"Still working at the Family Video, Harrington?" Eddie shot back, meaning it as an insult, but it didn't quite land.
Their manager, Keith, emerged from the back room guzzling a can of coke. He finished it off, belched, and tossed it into the trash can.
"I'm headed home. Don't burn the place down," Keith said with an accusatory tone.
"We haven't yet!" Robin replied in a sing songy tone.
"Yeah you always say that, Keith, but on what basis?" Steve added.
"Your last workplace burned down, and there were no culprits, so it's plausible." He shot them one last look as tossed the keys to the store to Steve and exited. "And don't close before 9pm!"
"What a sebaceous little fuck," Robin said as soon as the door rattled closed. "The last 3 nights no one's come in past 7, who cares if we close early?"
"Yeah, like we wouldn't still be working at Scoops Ahoy instead of this dump if it was even remotely operational," Steve added.
Eddie grabbed my hand and led me down an aisle to start looking. We browsed the selection with our backs to each other. He perused the Science Fiction/Horror movies while I rifled through Comedy/Musical. Growing up my mom would let my brother and I alternate movies each week, and without fail I always picked something from the Musical selection. I was raised on the likes of Singing in the Rain, West Side Story, and Annie, although I wasn't too fond of my namesake musical. If we were going for comfort movies, this was my section.
We each named out a couple of titles, but nothing was really standing out. It turns out finding a movie that would interest both of us was harder than I thought. Robin kept offering suggestions, but they were weird indie films neither of us had heard of.
"Oooh!" I squealed, grabbing one of my favorites and holding it up to show Eddie.
"Are you trying to torture me?" Eddie asked as he turned around, a copy of The Shining in his hands, which I immediately vetoed.
"Have you even seen it?"
"I don't need to see it to know I won't like it."
"You know, that's actually one of Steve's favorites," Robin said about the movie I was holding. She had been casually following along our movie selection journey because there were no other customers to tend to.
"What's one of my favorite movies?" Steve yelled from across the counter, sorting through the return pile.
"The 1978 romcom musical starring none other than dreamboats Olivia Newton John and John Travolta, Grease." She fake swooned.
"Get real, Robin. You're only saying that because I rented it when Heidi wanted to watch it," Steve retorted.
"And again the next week, when Linda came in and asked for a suggestion. Did you not go home with her too?"
"Desperate times, but there's something about John Travolta that gets the ladies revved up. It hasn't failed me yet."
"The chicks'll cream for Grease Lightning," I said, quoting the movie with a smile aimed at Steve.
"Exactly!" Steve said, smacking his hands together loudly and pointing at me, "She gets it!" He abandoned the counter and came over to join us.
"Beauty School Dropout is a personal favorite of mine, it's so wonderfully bizarre, I could watch it on repeat," I said to Steve, allowing myself to briefly nerd out.
"Frankie Avalon was incredible as Teen Angel," Steve agreed enthusiastically. He definitely knew this movie better than he had let on.
"What in the fuck is happening," Eddie said shaking his head. "You two can watch this one on your own." He took the movie from my hands and put it back on the shelf where I had found it.
"I'm not opposed," Steve said with a smile, leaning against the rack of movies and folding his arms. He meant it to be smooth, but ended up knocking a couple of VHS tapes off with a shoulder bump.
"She's taken Steve," Robin said pointedly as Steve bent over to pick up the displaced movies. "Or do you not listen when I give you my daily Hawkins High latest and greatest updates? No offense, Annie, but you're the hot gossip of the week and I've told Stevie here all about it." I waved my hand dismissively, I couldn't be shocked people were talking.
"Yeah, I know Robin, and you tend to ramble so forgive me for not memorizing every detail of silly high school drama. I'm not trying to date her, is it so unbelievable that I'd be able to make another platonic female friend?"
"According to my calculations you have a 70/30 track record of bedding any single woman ages 18-25 who has come through in the last, say, 3 months, so forgive me for assuming this was another one of your conquests."
"70/30? Where did you come up with that?" Steve asked.
"I have a spreadsheet," Robin said with a cheeky grin.
The friends continued to quip at each other about Steve's messy love life as we went back to checking the movie selection. It wasn't long before I found another personal favorite on the Musicals shelf.
"Okay Eddie, you have to see this one." I said, holding the movie up excitedly. He read the title and immediately shut it down.
"No."
"Come on!"
"You're joking…"
"Please?!" I begged.
"I'm not watching a movie called Jesus Christ Superstar."
"It's actually really good!"
"Like spending an entire afternoon at Sunday service is really good?" He said admonishingly.
"It's not churchy at all. It's more like a campy, self aware, but totally badass rock opera about the story of Jesus, but it's told through Judas's perspective. And I think you'll really like the music. I promise it's good!"
"She's not wrong, I've seen it. It's pretty good." Steve said, rejoining the conversation.
"Thank you!" Who knew I'd have so much in common with the former King of Hawkins?
"Wow. Since when was Steve Harrington such a musical aficionado," Robin laughed.
"Come on, Eddie, please? Otherwise I'm just going to have to have a movie night with Steve here."
"I'm down," Steve said with a smile. "What'll it be, Munson? Can I borrow your girl for a night?"
Yeah, Eddie definitely wasn't going to let that happen. From what little interaction we've had, neither of them seemed to be the biggest fans of each other. Giving up a movie to night to Steve Harrington absolutely wasn't going to fly.
"Fine," Eddie said, snatching the movie from my hands. "We'll watch your Jesus movie." He had a defeated, grumpy look on his face. "I can't believe you're ganging up on me with Steve fucking Harrington."
"There's this one pinnacle moment where Jesus just absolutely fucking rocks hard, and his vocals, ugh, you're going to love it." A smile was plastered on my face.
"You're gonna love it, Munson," Steve reiterated, pushing his buttons.
"Don't ever say that to me again," Eddie said, rolling his eyes, but he offered me a tiny smile. I knew he was questioning my weird movie choices, but at the same time absolutely wrapped around my finger.
"Ooh what about Rocky Horror Picture Show? Halloween is coming up," I asked.
"Hard yes. I'll watch it just for Meatloaf. Double feature." Eddie said, picking the movie up from the shelf and adding it to our growing pile.
"Science fiction, double feature," Steve said with a nod of his head and pointing his finger to really drive home his lame reference. I was the only one that laughed.
"When did you become such a dork," Robin laughed.
"Since I started spending every waking hour in this video store watching weird indie films with you," Steve countered.
"I regret ever stepping foot in here," Eddie said with a sarcastic eye roll but grabbed my hand.
We gathered our selections and all headed up to the counter to check out. Steve rung us up while Robin leaned against the counter to continue chatting.
"So Annie, uh, how are you holding up with all of this Kurt crap anyway?" Robin asked. I was a little surprised she was bringing it up again, but it's no wonder she was curious after us showing up together.
"As is the way with high school gossip, whatever you heard is the opposite of the truth," I said with an eye roll.
"Even you frenching Eddie here in the cafeteria?" Robin asked boldly.
"Oh no, that totally happened," Eddie said with a laugh. Steve and Eddie shared a quick, knowing glance, which confused the fuck out of me. So now they were willing to be friendly?
"Shut up," I said, smacking my arm out lightly to his chest. He answered by wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "Anything you heard about Kurt is untrue."
"I figured. Unfortunately pompous asshats like Kurt never face consequences for their farce. A unique privilege of the white male population," Robin sighed.
Suddenly, an idea popped into my head. She was right, guys like Kurt don't usually face consequences. And I had threatened that if he didn't confess to his lies, I would make him regret it. I promised I would spread an equally vicious rumor about what little he was working with in his pants. I had just the thing… but I would need help if I was going to pull it off.
"Hey Robin, you're in biology this year, yeah?"
"An unfortunate curse of the curriculum gods," she lamented. Everything she said was sarcastic poetry, I wondered why we hadn't spent time together before. Please please please let her be chill and help me out with this.
"Does Mr Schmidt still have that taxidermied rat on his desk?"
"Larry the Lab Rat, an homage to all rats past, present and future who sacrificed their lives for scientific research? The one that he keeps dressed in a lab coat and mini goggles displayed proudly in a case on his desk? Yeah, he has it."
"I might need your help with something…" I began.
She laughed, a gentle rasp to her trill. "You have sufficiently piqued my interest."
Steve and Eddie had confused looks on their faces, like they were waiting to be let in on a secret.
I turned to Eddie. "I may or may not have a new bucket list item in mind…"
"Oh yeah? What mischief are we getting into this time?" Eddie asked. I leaned over to whisper my idea in his ear while Robin and Steve watched with growing interest. As I explained the gritty details, I could tell Eddie would absolutely be down for this plan.
"You're diabolical, did I ever tell you I love that about you?"
The ease with which the words flowed out of his mouth caused a chain reaction. I and love and you in the same sentence, albeit separated by two very simple words. Heart flutters, brain can't form a coherent thought, and mouth stutters in response. I recovered just enough to say, "I learned it from you."
"What is going on?" Steve asked, totally lost to the plan we were cooking up.
"Hey Harrington, does your daddy have a ladder?" Eddie asked.
"Umm, yeah, why?"
"Do you guys work tomorrow?" I asked.
"Until 9pm," Robin said. She wasn't clued in on what the plan was either, but I could tell she wouldn't turn down a little adventure.
"Why?" Steve asked again, elongating the question.
I quickly explained my plan and how I would need each of their help to pull it off. By the end of my explanation, Robin was basically bouncing on her heels, too excited for Steve to actually turn her down. I could tell he wanted nothing to do with it, but would let us borrow his ladder anyway. While Robin tried to reason with Steve about how they absolutely had to help us, Eddie and I discussed the details of all we had to plan before we could get to work tomorrow night. We would meet Robin and Steve after work to gather the ladder, and then head to the school. We solidified the plan before leaving the video store. On our way out, Robin called out to us.
"Operation humiliate lying borish football jock is a go," She said with a glinting smile.
This was going to be glorious.