Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Thirteen
"I think the Dodger's are going to take the division again this year. They are on fire."
"I'll have to trust you on that as I haven't watched well any baseball since going to London, I mainly watch football now."
He sarcastically mumbles, "Miller would be thrilled."
"I mean soccer. It's a big deal in England so it's hard not to get caught up in it."
"Is that why our sister is now playing it? Because I personally wanted her first team sport to be baseball or softball-" yeah well to have a say you actually need to involve yourself and not just call every couple of months.
"Well maybe if you had been calling her more regularly back then you could have got your way."
To his credit he picks up my non veiled criticism and owns it. "Yeah I deserve that. I felt guilty for dumping her in Hawaii but with Suzanne in jail for years, and with yo… I knew I wasn't equipped to take care of her by myself. It was to soon into my recovery."
I'm going to ignore the you because I know it wasn't about me- revisionist history, I was never a thought at that time. He paid no attention to his sister in order to prioritise chasing Kelly. "She understood that but I don't think she understood the lack of contact."
"According to my therapist I avoid acknowledging and addressing the negative emotions I cause people and the feelings it stirs in me. Guilt being high on that list. I block it out and that most recently manifested in me not reaching out to our sister as much as I should."
It's my turn to mumble, though mine to my ears seems more bitter than sarcastic, "out of sight out of mind."
"Not out of mind just… that's the problem my addictions stir or I look for an escapism to distract me from the thinking and feeling. It's a coping mech-", he stops, "yeah I'm about to cross your boundaries." He pauses, "thank you for taking on the responsibility of helping her adjust into her new life. She always felt like you were her sister, she always… well she wasn't subtle in who she thought I should be with. From the moment she met you, entered your room you were magical to her. I guess it's the McKay genetics." He gives me an apologetic look, "I broke the promise again sorry."
"Landslide." More revisionist rubbish but that's irrelevant. "Look forever we will be sharing Erica and Iris, I'm sorry but I'm not going to give them up."
"Bren both would choose you over me-"
"No they wouldn't. Dylan your mother loves you and well your sister still hero worships you, and that worship is growing with every call you are making. But they'll be in both our lives and I care about them a great deal, land sliding into that connection is fine I guess. We will have to get used to sharing them."
"How fine? I don't want you to be uncomfortable so is it fine that I acknowledge that we are in the same family? That we share a family? Is it fine that the three of you are the women of the McK-"
"Yes, don't word it like that, and no."
"I thought I might be pushing it on the last one."
"And yet you still tried." I shake my head. When we arrive at the gate I begin to undo my seat belt.
He turns with a look of sympathy and a gentle voice, "Bren when you fell and hurt your ankle did you hit your head as well?"
"No."
"Just checking as if you did I'd say this gently as you haven't I'll say it so your stubborn ass understands. I either drive you up the driveway and walk your injured self to the door or I carry you up the driveway to the door. They are your only two options hoppy." His firm tone immediately has my back up.
"You do know I can kick your ass right so I think I'll-"
"Yes I'm pretty sure you could kick everyone's ass both verbally and now physically, but you'll delay production doing it so just accept that I'm not letting you hop up a driveway on one crutch at night."
I exhale loudly this is why I don't want him having too much information about my life, "great glad we agree. So can I have the gate code or if you want it to be kept hidden I can close my eyes and you can lean across me and type it in, or if it's easier I could lift you onto my lap and you can type it in from there?"
"01209"
As he waits for the gates to open the last foot he looks at me, "your old zip code backwards- nice touch."
"I'll change it tomorrow."
"No need I already said I won't turn up unannounced. I'm learning… well I'm trying to learn your boundaries- nice place."
"It's a little big but to get a short term rental house that had two ensuites was difficult. I didn't want to live in a hotel so it was either this or the Bel… this was the best option."
He gets out and moves around the car grabbing the crutch as he does so, my door is open but I'm not quick enough to get out of the car before he is leaning down to help me. His closeness causes me to breathe in his Dylan smell, I swear I can feel the hormones released and rushing through my body. I've turned on my acting face by the time I'm upright and he is pulling back, he still stares at me though like he can read through the façade.
"Sorry the car is really low I didn't want you to struggle getting out." I nod not trusting that my voice won't have a breathy tone to it. Stupid hormones.
Dylan's behind me as I open the door and then rush to put the alarm code in. "Roy's not here?"
"Looks like."
"Do you want me to wait till he gets home?"
"Dylan he's a grown man I don't even know if he's coming home. I'm his best friend not his keeper."
He looks at the staircase directly across from the front doorframe he is still standing in, "do you need help up the stairs?"
"No I'm-"
"Stubbornly independent."
"There is nothing wrong with being independent."
"I'm not saying there is, the stubbornness on the other hand…"
"Thank you for the lift and for your help getting me through those crowds tonight."
"My pleasure." He looks around obviously not ready to leave yet, "what time are you on set tomorrow?"
"I'm not Roy has given me the day off. I pushed myself a little this morning and my ankle got a little swollen." His face morphs instantly into flashing daggers at me and then glares at the single crutch I'm using. "It's fine I'll get in the pool tomorrow and do my therapy exercises and then take a spa. I just need to take it a little easier."
He runs his hand through his hair tugging on it a little, "woman I swear your stubbornness has reached new levels. You're supposed to be taking it easier and you've been walking around on one crutch all night, and you were going to attempt to hop up that long driveway in the dark by yourself." He pulls on his hair again, "okay I'm helping you up the stairs even if I have to swing you over my shoulder- don't think I won't-"
"That's unnecessary Dylan I was perfectly able to get up them this afternoon by myself and down them to go out-"
"That's the argument you want to go with? Dylan look at how many times today I risked doing more damage or could have fallen breaking my neck."
"You are being dramatic."
He groan's in clear frustration and then pulls out his phone, "okay I'll make a deal let's call my mother. You know how much she isn't keen on me being around you so you have an advantage, if she says you can climb the stairs by yourself then I'll leave you to it-"
"It's late-"
"It's just after dinner time in Hawaii." He begins to scroll through his phone, shit I can imagine the lecture from Iris and then the lecture Roy would get from her. He has been helping me up and down the stairs for day's and I had promised to go up and down them on my bum if he wasn't home, and he had been on me to use both crutches if I was leaving the house. Tonight I didn't see the point, I was walking from the car to the pit, to the after dark, it had been all of fifty feet give or take a few.
When I see he is reaching for the call button, "Dylan it's unnecessary."
"I'm sure it is let's just ask Mum though to be sure-"
He was frustrating as hell. I'm always being held to so many different standards, "oh now you want to reach out to your mum-"
"Bren don't even think about trying to pick a fight from our past just so I don't call. I'll save you your breath. For year's I've been making bad decisions based on my fears and in an endeavour to avoid well acknowledging the shit I've mainly done to you. My therapy is helping me see that they weren't the only paths I could have walked, that it wasn't fate and destiny kicking me as always but me choosing to take the easiest way out, well what appeared to be the easiest for me and was absolutely fucking not. I ran that summer away from our problems, I picked fights with you and became distant because I was too caught up in my guilt when you got back, and I chose her because I was angry that you at eighteen were still going to let your Dad have a say in us, I was angry that I knew you would never forgive me for all of it. Now that is not a fucking landslide but an earthquake which I'm sure you don't want to get into but if you do we can absolutely do that once I either call my mother and she agrees with me that you need help, or your stubborn ass just accepts the help. What's it going to be?"
"Fine you can help me up the stairs." He smiles, puts his phone away and then surprises the hell out of me by not just giving me an arm or spotting me no he decides he needs to pick me up like he would carry his bride across the threshold. "Is this really necessary?"
"Baby I swear to god your moving from stubborn to pigheaded."
My voice is almost a growl, "remember it's Hoppy."
"Yeah you lost the cute nickname for your injury when you clearly have decided not to manage it properly-"
"It's fine."
"Yeah your word on this is no longer convincing I'm rolling up those bootleg jeans and checking there is no swelling myself… I can just imagine me leaving and you then attempting to go downstairs and get an ice pack."
I swear to god she had become even more stubborn, it was like she was incapable of asking for help or accepting help. Correction I'd seen Roy being able to naturally give it, and I assume from my mother's information she was trusted. Bren had become so closed off, she trusted no one and it was understandable not only her friends, her brother, me, but also her parents had proven to not have her back. It had left her closed off and meant that she wasn't willing to risk being seen as weak even when it was physically hurting her.
I put her on her bed in a room that smells like Bren and looks like hers. From my quick scan I see it's full of good literature, cushions, blankets, and now cds. It was comfy and warm, just like the owner of it used to be. When she is settled on the bed I immediately roll up her bootleg jean, ignoring her pouting face and grumbling. I had caught sight of the upper part of her foot tonight at The Pit but now rolling it up I can see her ankle properly. I quickly roll up the hem of her other leg and ignore her questioning cries of "is that needed?". In comparing the two you can see how swollen it is and at my touch I can feel it's angry swollen- it was a little warm.
"I'm going to go down and get you ice for the ankle. Do you need me to help you into the bathroom and grab your pyjamas before I do that?"
She must tell from my face any attempt at denying my help would fall on deaf ears. "No but can you pass me my spare crutch-"
"Baby it's only a spare if it's a third crutch, is it your third crutch?"
"Can we stop with the Baby, this is frustrating enough for me I'm not used to-"
"Being vulnerable around anyone but Roy and I'm guessing my mother. I know this is hard for you but even in senior year and in freshman we still took care of each other, I know I didn't do it as well as you I didn't protec-"
"I don't need anyone to pro-"
"Bren I've been preaching that loner line longer than anyone and look how my life has turned out? Fragmented friendships, a family that is still unsure of each other's place, a woman I love that would rather hurt herself than allow me take care of her for even a few minutes. You once told me it was great that I stopped believing I couldn't count on people. The moment I stopped believing that, the moment I thought that the only person I could count on was myself that is the moment that I destroyed my life. I said it to Erin when I was babysitting her-"
"Dylan-" she doesn't want to talk about this because it hurts but this self protection is hurting her as well.
"I'm not pushing us, I'm not pushing to discuss our past, I'm pushing for you to just be open to a little help- just while you are injured okay. I won't take advantage I'll follow your rules well I'll try before we find ourselves accidentally hitting another landslide. Look I know it doesn't mean anything to you that you won't believe me but you are hurt I just I need to help. I've always needed to do that, it's uncontrollable. I thought it was the same for you until you weren't there in that hospital room. I know Iris kept you away but I thought we were truly broken when you weren't there that it was over."
"Dylan-"
"One one question, how hard was it to stay away, how hard was it to not help when you knew I needed it, did it feel like you were running in the wrong direction, swimming against the tide?"
It must be the desperation in my voice because she doesn't fight she just closes her eyes and barely whispers, "yes."
Fuck I hate that she was kept away, I hate that she believed I could ever have enough support- only she and she alone is enough. My surfing accident, my drinking, and my father, all of it was her support that made me strong enough to get better. "Then you know me leaving you is not an option not when you are hurt. Now with just one out of the pair of crutches that you are supposed to be using up here, do you need help to get to the bathroom and can I pass you your pyjamas?"
"No I can do it." I don't push her, I know admitting to that was hard.
"When I'm getting ice do you want a bottle of water as well?"
"Thank you that would be nice."
"Okay I'll leave you to get ready for bed and be back up in a few minutes." She nods.
Their house may be a rental but there were things about it that screamed Bren. A shopping list on the fridge door for her to add items to when she runs out. The fridge perfectly organised with a drinks shelf, condiments grouped together by traditional combinations then placed in height order, and pre cut meats organised on paper sheets in Tupperware. I notice the tea selection and decide to make her a chamomile tea. Iris has one every night and swears it calms you down and helps you sleep. While the kettle is heating up I bring up the second crutch that was left by the staircase when I lifted her up to take her upstairs, and leave the bottle of water by her bed. I also quickly close the curtains and grab some of her pillows placing them at the bottom of the bed to rest her ankle on. I can hear the shower turn off so I go downstairs to make her tea and grab the ice pack. By the time I'm back up stairs she's sitting on the edge of her bed wearing a white singlet and long pyjama pants.
"Thank you but all of this wasn't needed."
As I place the tea on the coaster on her bedside table I smile at her, "it was." As she swings her legs up and carefully places her ankle on the cushion pile I move to the end of the bed and hold the wrapped ice pack gently to her swelling. "How did you overdo it at work this morning?"
"I was in the silks and well it's natural to hold your feet in certain ways while in them, pointed for some moves, tucked in for other's. Roy was filming the close ups of a scene where I'm using silks well in post production they'll be replaced with vines I'm using them to avoid a booby trap on the ground in a hidden temple, anyway during the moves the stunt coordinator kept catching me doing the natural foot work."
"Didn't you feel it hurting?"
"I'm in character and well Lara wouldn't feel that pain."
I shake my head, "I made you chamomile tea Iris say's it relaxes you to sleep it should be cool enough to drink now."
"Thank you. It's one of my favourites before bed."
"The ice should be on it for twenty minutes then off for twenty until the swelling goes down. I'll stay to bring it back downstairs to the freezer and then back up when it's ready to put back on it again."
"Thanks. I'm guessing it's pointless to say I'm good now you-" I give her a stern look. "Yeah pointless." She sips her tea. I'm busy focusing on if there is any improvement on her ankle in the last ten minutes when she finally speaks again, "can I ask you one question?"
"You can ask me as many questions as you want, I'll tell you anything even if I know it won't be easy for me to say or for you to hear."
"You mentioned therapy tonight, was that in rehab?"
"No in rehab I did the bare minimum to get better. Going through my history wasn't something I wanted to do, it's probably why in some ways I came out more messed up than when I went it." She scrunches her eyes like she is trying to figure out what that means, "hypnosis as therapy. I think we both know it's not me, but hey it was a great way to pretend that I'm trying without doing any actual work; gaining answers and justifications by letting some woman plant seeds. It gave me a great way to take zero responsibility for my life and my actions- it's all my past lives fault, they made me take the drug's and have shitty relationships." I shake my head, "I'm doing proper therapy now, daily at the community centre. Ben helped set it up for me, and I'm back attending meetings. I haven't attended them regularly… well really at all since you got on that plane to Paris."
"That trip. Iris rang them and blasted my father. Mum didn't know at the time seemingly she found out when Dad had a little rant one night last year about you drinking, doing drugs, and sleeping with Val. He felt vindicated that he was finally proven right to go to such extremes to keep you away from his little girl. Sadly he can't see that we were ha…" she stops and looks at her wrist takes a breath and then goes back to sipping her tea like she wasn't just about to say that we were happy. We were so happy before he lost his shit about Baja and did everything he could to push me out of her life.
Her walls are going back up but I got more than I deserved tonight and more than she wanted to give. "What does that one mean it looks like a raindrop?"
She doesn't need to follow my eyes she knows I'm looking at the same wrist she had just been staring at. Placing her now finished cup on the table she runs her finger across it. "It is a drop falling into a pool of water. It represents being in the here and now."
"Was it your first?"
"No it was my most recent up until a few weeks ago."
"When did you get it?"
"Early May." At the end of April I was declaring that the blonde was my soulmate to anyone who would listen, asking her to choose me and offering world trips. Hearing that from Kelly I imagine would have finally proven that I was never coming for her, I had chosen permanently, and that what we had was nothing in comparison- I was willing to fight my brother for the blonde I wasn't even willing to return a letter for her. I know in my bones that was when she finally stopped, finally convinced herself that our past was just that, past- a fairytale of make believe.
Bile is rising up my throat burning a pathway like it was trying to strip away all the lies that had come out of this mouth. "It's been twenty minutes it should probably go back in the freezer." I nod and pick up the ice pack, I make it downstairs before I rush to the bathroom to heave.