Trigger Warnings: Titan Gore, Violence
Chapter Revamped: 15 December 2020
Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie
Chapter 04 — Resolve
"Movement in the forest detected! All personnell prepare for combat!"
A Survey Corps soldier hollered from above the abandoned house, effectively warning every scout in the perimeter that a Titan had been spotted not too far away from their campsite. On alert, Ida looked on expectantly with an air of composure, watching the legion scramble around in preparation to protect their logistic base.
Good coordination, she observed, they are organized.
"Squad Leader, stop! It's too dangerous to go alone!"
At that sound of a panicked call from Mobilt, Ida snapped her eyes to his direction. Hanji was hopping onto her horse, her trusty assistant to her side actively trying to dissuade her. Unfortunately, his pleas fell to deaf ears. Ignoring him, she grinned when she kicked into a fast gallop, straight to the dense forest – right to where approaching Titan was.
"Erwin! I'm going on ahead!" she shouted, excitement vibrating in her baritone. "See you!"
Erwin appeared dismayed and he attempted to stop her. "Wait, Hanji!"
It was too late. Hanji was already swiftly galloping towards the forest. Ida raised a brow at the commotion. What on earth was happening?
His bushy brows came together in what looked to be annoyance. Erwin turned to where Ida was standing with her squad. "Levi!"
"Tch, that moron." Levi was already mounting his stallion. Ida followed suit when she realized that her squadmates were doing the same. From the look on the Captain's face, she could discern that he was irritated at Hanji's eccentric habits.
Snapping his reins, Levi's horse sprinted after Hanji, his squad following his lead. Though no words or instructions were exchanged, they seemed to be able to understand what was happening. The same couldn't be sad for Ida though, but something told her the freak was up to no good and the job fell to Levi to clean up the mess.
"Hey! Are we going after that Titan now?" Ida asked, sprinting through the fields on her horse.
Petra opened her mouth to reply to her, but Ida was greeted with Levi's usual brusque way of speaking instead. "Use your damn eyes for once, or are you really just that slow?"
She glared at his back. Gods, she could never understand this miserable guy. First, he screwed her over for not listening to his instructions, and now when she was clarifying something, he was screwing her over too!
Yeah, of course, nothing can be good enough for the annoyingly perfect Levi Ackerman.
Levi sighed in annoyance when he didn't receive a response. "We're going after that useless four-eyed idiot who rushed into the forest on her own with hopes of catching a Titan for her useless experiments. Tsk. That damned scatter-brain moron didn't even consider that there might be more than one Titan in the forest."
He turned his head slightly to face her, his expression stoic. Ida could tell he wasn't pleased with having to go after Hanji. It was just extra work for him.
"If you are going to survive out here, it's about time you start using that brain of yours," he said, prejudice swarming in his cold gray eyes. "Do not do anything without my direct orders."
Before Ida could launch into a saucy retort, Marie distracted her. Maybe it was intentional. After all, the last thing they needed was their Captain and their newest member to butt heads on an important mission.
"Starke! Focus! We're going to lure the Titan away from Hanji-san!"
As if on cue to Marie's words, a loud crash was heard. Ida narrowed her eyes when she focused on the forest. Frightened birds were flying away from the loud noises that were being generated. Shortly after, a Titan came smashing through the forest trailing after Hanji, who was screaming jovially in excitement.
Ida watched incredulously when a big wide smile spread on Hanji's face as she encouraged the Titan to follow her. "Atta boy! That's it!"
"Tch." Levi fired a red flare to distract the Titan. "This way, moron."
"Hey, Levi! Stay out of the way!" Hanji scolded, looking distressed that they had appeared. The unsaid worry on her face said it all: Levi would undoubtedly slaughter her precious specimen given the chance.
The Titan stopped momentarily, distracted by the red flare. It looked like it was considering its next movement before it charged right back to the forest. Ida steered her horse to the left, feeling the gust of wind from the sprinting Titan rush past her.
What on earth?
From the surprise on her squadmates' faces, it seemed that this was abnormal behavior for a Titan as well.
"Oh no!" Hanji bolted after the Titan without a second to waste.
"Hanji—tsk! Damn it!" Levi led them into the forest. Ida assumed that he was using them to lure the Titan out since Petra told her that Titans tend to go to where the highest concentration of humans was at.
After they reached the forest, it became clear to them that the Titan was not following them as Levi had predicted. Levi halted the squad, his stallion neighing in protest.
"It's a damned abnormal Titan," he hissed. "How annoying."
"Guess we have no choice now but to hunt it down," Jason sighed audibly, his bald head glistening with sweat as he checked his gears.
Gunther rubbed his nose bridge. "Hanji-san really has to stop causing trouble."
"That four-eyed lunatic is really asking for a sound beating," Levi agreed darkly, teeth clenched, but he maintained his poise. "Let's go before she turns into Titan feed."
They threaded through the woods on their specialized horses bred for stamina and speed, looking for the abnormal Titan and a screaming Hanji. It wasn't before long when Ida's sharp ears perked up when she heard the distinct low growl of the Titans.
Her eyes went wide. There.
"Over here!"
Not waiting for her Captain's permission, Ida turned her horse around. She charged towards the direction of the growl. She could hear Petra shouting after her to stop, but ignored her, not wanting to waste any time – Hanji could die if they were too slow.
"Damn that brat!" she heard Levi curse, and she knew that her squad was following her.
Ida gasped, bewildered at the scene across from her. The gigantic Titan was hovering over Hanji, who looked as unfazed and joyful as ever. Lustful passion gleamed in her brown eyes. Hanji waved her hands at the Titan, marveling at it. The lunatic was speaking to it as if it could understand her.
She snapped out of her stunned reverie when she saw the Titan's hand extending out to Hanji, who remained rooted to the ground.
That idiot!
Ida balanced herself on the saddle of her still running horse. The fabric of her green cloak slapped against her waist. With unprecedented instinct, she shot her grapples and they latched onto the nape of its neck. Using the tension of the wire, Ida launched herself towards the Titan.
Blades already retracted from her boxes and in her hands. Ida balanced herself, steadying her hips as she glided through the air. But just as she was about to slice through the nape of the Titan, Hanji called out for her in distress, panic imminent in her cry.
"Ida! Don't do it!"
"What?" Ida said distractedly while airborne, confused by Hanji's startling request.
As skilled as she was in the ways of maneuvering and fighting airborne, Ida was still inexperienced when it came to fighting Titans. It was this lack of experience that caused her misstep. Before she could even snap out of her distracted stance, the deviant Titan gave a roaring cry.
Suddenly, the Titan turned sharply, swinging its arms towards her.
A loud gasp escaped her at her mistake of dropping her guard. Ida twisted her hips to maneuver herself out of the way of it's approaching hand, but she should've known that it wouldn't matter, the hand was much too large to avoid with just a quick shift of the body.
"Shit!" Ida held her arms in front of her, crossing them to instinctively shield her face from her inevitable fate.
Pain flared in her lungs at the sudden pressure on her torso. Harsh, callous skin encased her, threatening to crush her completely before being devoured. She felt the hand drag her body upwards. Ida whimpered in insufferable agony. It felt as if her bones were threatening to break under the pressure of the Titan's merciless grip.
The Titan pulled her up close, tightening his grip on her as Ida screamed in excruciating pain. It stared at her, almost as if the beast found pleasure in watching his prey squirm in its grasp.
Fuck! No! I won't die here yet!
Despite her determination to live, her arms were pinned to her sides with such force and power that Ida could only manage to kick and wiggle with desperate whimpers.
This was the end for her. She was going to die. She was suffocating. The pain and fear that she was experiencing were unimaginable.
Finally, her time in this twisted world had come to a resounding end.
Wait… fear…?
Ida's eyes went wide, and she stopped resisting. The sudden phantom fear she felt leaked out of her like a broken tap.
Wasn't she tired of living? Wasn't she unafraid of dying? Didn't it not matter to her if she was going to make it out alive or not? Wasn't she fearless?
Then why…?
Why did she resist? Why did her stomach curdle like that? Why was her heart thumping so rapidly? Why were there tears prickling in her eyes? Why was she so shamefully clinging onto life when she had long resigned her to death?
In acceptance of what was her final moments, Ida found her mind running back to her conversation with Levi.
"You don't fucking care — not for even Oluo's life like you tell yourself. You disobeyed my orders and broke formation, placing yourself in danger to save him, but you just needed someplace to die, some purpose in your pitiful life. You got to make it looked as though you're trying to save a life so you're remembered as a damn piss-poor hero who died saving someone."
"Do whatever you want, die the way that you want to if it pleases you. But if you ever disobey my orders again or do something stupid that risks the lives of my subordinates, I will end you myself. Their lives are not something a shitty brat like you can just play around with."
Ida smiled wryly.
Perhaps she wanted to prove him wrong. Perhaps somewhere, deep down her tainted soul, something he had said sparked a fire in her to fight. Perhaps there was something he had said about her playing around with her squad mate's lives that was digging deep into her conscience.
Because she knew. God damn it, Ida knew. There was once a time she wasn't like this, and deep down, she knew innately that she was a person who valued lives more than anything. It was why she felt so ashamed of Levi accusing her of playing around with Oluo's life. It was why she felt so angry when he said that.
The Titan gave a mighty roar as he held her towards his mouth. Ida was suddenly pulled out of her thoughts and back to the dire situation she was in. But this time, she only watched its jaw etched closer to her with every second with a stoic expression.
Its jaws spread back, revealing straight teeth adorned with glistening saliva that clung to both its upper and lower jaw. Ida felt her senses shut down as she stared darkness that was the back of the Titan's throat – she stared at her bleak fate.
I guess the end for me had finally come…
She squeezed her eyes shut, accepting her inevitable fate as the beast opened wider to shove her in his mouth to devour her with his own fist accompanied. Strangely enough, Ida had always thought peace would envelop her at a moment like this, but instead, a singular wish bubbled out from her subconscious.
A selfish wish that was so little, yet so profound, Ida had never allowed herself to say it out loud or even think of it.
I just wished that—
The distinctive sound of a passing grapple snapped past her ear. Ida abruptly opened her eyes to the noise, only seconds before the deviant jaws were about to clench down on her. Swinging past the bulging stomach and large arms, she saw Levi twisted himself upright as he grew closer to the Titan.
Releasing his gear from its hold, Levi braced himself in mid-air, straightening himself out as the wires retracted. He flew past the Titan. In one fluid movement, he slashed the arm that held her captive.
The limp, detached arm loosened, and Ida felt gravity bestowed upon her.
She crashed to the ground, groaning. By the time she had regained her senses, Levi had already embedded a deep laceration on the Titan's nape and was still hovering mid-air.
Bending backward, Levi quickly let his body fall to the ground.
Her mind was still whirling in shock. Ida could only watch with wide eyes as the Titan swayed in defeat, threatening to land on its back. Then, it landed on the dirt beside her with a loud boom and a cloud of dust.
Unable to compose herself or bounce back, Ida laid motionless on the ground in a complete mess. Small clouds of dust hazed the figure in front of her. She focused first on regaining her comprehension.
I am alive?
"Oi, you okay?"
She looked up at the voice. Cool gray eyes looked down on her, unamused with her lack of talent and bravery.
Focusing on steadying her breathing, Ida wiped her collected tears forcibly away from her eyes which were as wide as plates. She grabbed onto Levi's proffered hand and he pulled her up roughly, settling her upright.
She only stared at him blankly, traumatized from being seconds away from death. But most of all, traumatized that she couldn't even begin to discern the whirlwind of emotions that this near-death experience had invoked within her.
Ida tried her best to steady her breathing. Her fingers started shuddering and she clenched them together, her rational mind shouting at her to get a grip on herself. She stared at the already disintegrating Titan beside her.
Levi squatted in front of her. Her eyes widened when she felt her Captain's finger under her chin, lifting her eyes up to meet his.
"Look at me. Are you okay?" he spoke softly, his voice still stern and firm, but she could detect the underlying concern.
Are you okay? Am I… okay?
It was with these words that Ida's eyes exploded with emotions that appraised her savior. Fear, relief, and horror flashed through her eyes at the same time. Ida only managed to nod slowly. She wasn't sure if she was seeing things after the traumatic event, but she was sure she heard the usually stoic man blow out a large breath of relief.
He pressed a rough calloused thumb on her cheek. Ida stiffened when she realized he had wiped off a stray diamond tear that had escaped her eyes. He stared at her again, as if to mentally assess her state of mind, then rose and signaled the rest of the squad to approach and help.
"Get up, brat, we can't have you dying here. If you're going to die, it's only going to be by my hand."
He held his hand out in front of him, and Ida only stared at it, unsure of what to do.
"Move your sorry ass off the floor, Starke, we're outside the Walls," he reminded her brusquely when she didn't move, reverting to the crass demeanor he was known for. "I won't be around to save you next time. Get up."
Ida snapped out of her daze. She inhaled sharply. Right, she had forgotten how dangerous their surroundings were. She didn't want to put anyone else at risk. Ida took his hand and Levi pulled her up.
Marie came up behind her, steadying her on her feet.
"Thanks…" Ida murmured to which Marie smiled, her kind eyes swarming with relief.
She felt a stare on her again. A piercing kind of stare that only one person she knew could bestow. She hesitantly looked at him. Levi seemed to be discerning if she was truly fine. Then, his expression changed. He seemed to have only noticed now that the steaming Titan blood on his hands.
"Tch… how disgusting…" Levi grimaced and took out his trusty handkerchief, wiping his blade and hand off.
As Levi continued to grumble how filthy the blood was, Ida found herself unable to tear her eyes away from him. She had heard from Petra that Levi was known to wipe his blades mid-battle. It wasn't that ludicrous to imagine now that he was doing it in front of her.
But what Ida found strange was that the clean freak had tended to her first before cleaning his blades and himself.
Why?
Was he too distracted in her wellbeing to notice then? But why should he be? He knew that she wanted to die, didn't he? Why did he even save her?
"No…" Hanji approached her and fell to her knees in front of the disintegrating Titan corpse, distress flashing across her face. She stared at it in complete disbelief.
"…This child was to be… an important specimen..." Hanji held back tears while she watched the corpse steam and decay. "…I — If we could have captured him, humanity might have taken the next step forw—"
She was cut off with a sharp pull to the collar of her green cloak. Levi brought his face threateningly close to hers.
"Shut up, you four-eyed shit! If you want to end up as Titan shit, I won't stop you! But don't you dare endanger the lives of my men! Do you understand?!"
A menacing look glinted Levi's cool eyes; an unsaid warning that if she ever tried it again, he would not hesitate to bring her down.
After the initial shock went away, Hanji opened her lips to speak softly, "Uhm… Titans don't defecate… They don't have digestive systems..."
If Ida wasn't so shocked, she was sure she would've facepalmed at her reply.
Levi gritted his teeth. He looked as though he was contemplating on socking the insane woman in her face. But before he could decide, Petra called for him.
"Uhm… Captain..."
"Tch." Levi released his grip on Hanji and looked up from the bawling Hanji on the ground. "What is it?"
Petra didn't reply right away. She took a hesitant step backward. "Did a Titan do that? But it can't be..."
Levi frowned, appearing to be at the brink of his patience. "What the hell are you talking about?"
Slowly, Petra pointed to where she was looking at. On the bark of an immense tree, was a hole with a headless Survey soldier's corpse placed in it.
As Ida watched Levi and the others move towards it to inspect it, recognition struck her hard when she saw her squad together.
She… was afraid of dying…
Because like him, she wanted to defend people, she wanted to save people…
She wanted to be useful, to have a purpose, to have a resolve like Levi Ackerman. She wanted to make something good out of her life. After saving Oluo, seeing how appreciative that he was…
That feeling of doing something 'good', she craved more of it.
She wanted to feel human again.
The unsaid selfish wish weighed on her mind, summoned again from her darkest subconscious by the weight of the paramount realization:
I just wished that I could live for just a while longer.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
"Captain."
Levi twirled around, quirking a brow at Ida's appearance. It surprised him that Ida would ever call him by his formal title — was she beginning to yield after her near-death experience with the Titan? His face remained painfully stoic, giving no indication of what he was feeling.
He turned back to Gunther and Eld whom he was talking to before Ida interrupted him, handing them report. "Double check everything, we will depart in fifteen minutes."
"Captain!" Gunther and Eld went into a stiff salute before scurrying ahead with their orders.
When they were gone, Levi faced Ida, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. But the woman was equally as talented as him when it came to be concealing her emotions and maintaining her apathetic dissemble. There was nothing he could discern from her unreadable expression.
He crossed his arms.
"What you did was incredibility stupid," Levi said pointedly, his tone dangerously close to a growl. "I told you not to do anything without direct permission, but it seems to me that you lack the basic capability for obeying orders. Twice, Starke. You fucking disobeyed me twice."
He had expected Ida to launch into a retort, but she merely pursed her lips and looked away. Satisfied with her submission, Levi carried on with his verbal assault. "Brats act without thinking, and that's the reason why they are called brats."
"You're wrong," Ida suddenly said, her voice rigid. She lifted her gaze to stare at him, making eye-contact. "You're wrong, sir — about me… I would never play around with someone's life."
Levi frowned, wary of how the conversation was turning. As much as it threw him off when she declared that statement with so much conviction, now was not the time to argue with her. "That wasn't what I was referring to, Starke. I'm talking about your shitty penchant for insubordination."
"I heard that that right enemy detection flank suffered heavy causalities," she ignored his previous remarks. "From what I've learned from Petra, we'll need to station another group as lookout scouts to fill the missing places in order to perform long-distance formation."
He stared at her in anticipatory silence, waiting for her to come to her point, and she did. "I'll like to volunteer for that position."
Levi's irate scoff was immediate. "Rejected. Go back to the rest of the squad."
While it was true that there was a need to fill the missing places, it was also one of the most vulnerable positions of the formation with high chances of encountering a Titan and Levi decided a newbie like Ida Starke simply wasn't ready for it. With all that he had witnessed from her, it wasn't unlikely she would charge at the first Titan, perhaps even happy that she had one shitty foot in the grave.
True to the brat's stubborn nature, Ida chased after him. "Why not?"
"It's an important part of the formation," he informed her in a matter-of-factly tone. Levi's lips bent into a grimace. "A piss-poor brat like you is not up to the task."
"I can handle it," she stated frostily, obviously not liking the way he was looking down on her.
"No," Levi's teeth gnashed together at her stubbornness. He brought his stride to an abrupt halt and spun around, snarling at her. "I won't repeat myself twice, Starke. Get lost."
Ida merely locked her eyes with him in a challenge, channeling as much anger she could into her glare. He knew she would not yield, but Levi's intense gaze threatened to take her down. Just as he was about to say something scathing, a voice interrupted them.
"Levi, are the preparations ready?"
They broke their hostile stare-down when Erwin approached them. It didn't take long for the perceptive man to sense the tension between the two. "What's the matter?"
"I want to volunteer to be placed at the right flank."
An unamused expression graced Levi's countenance. He stared at Erwin with diligence, expecting that he would reject her request. However, Erwin only studied Ida for a few moments before he nodded.
"Alright."
What?
Levi was appalled that Erwin so easily agreed. It was ludicrous. "Erwin—"
"We'll need to fill in the missing spots, Levi. There are simply not enough men." Erwin cut through his sentence calmly with an explanation. "With that said, I was actually thinking of drawing three members from your squad. Clarie and Meerin can accompany her and guide her. I understand your misgivings, Levi, but it'll be a good experience for her as well. Surely this way, they will be no problems?"
A brief period of silence settled upon them before Levi turned away from them, aggravation seemingly rippling in every fiber of his being.
Damn it. He ought to argue back, but why should he give another shit anyway?
"Tch." he scoffed as he started to walk away. "Do as you see fit, Erwin."
Though he made a resolve not to bother about it, a bitter taste graced his tongue.
Shit. That damned shitty brat… why is she charging headfirst into trouble?
Levi closed his eyes, his jaw clenched. He should've known this was what he would get when he took into her squad. He stole a glance back at Ida, and the image of her corpse flashed in his mind.
Blank green eyes. Broken blades. The uniform of the Survey Corps as a shroud.
Levi felt his chest constrict unexpectedly.
Another fallen soldier. Another badge to add. Another death to mourn.
A death he had partially had a shitty hand in by his invitation to the legion.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
That seems to work out somehow.
Though Ida was satisfied that she managed to get her way, she found herself staring at a silent Erwin Smith who was gazing at her departing Captain's back. She couldn't read his expression. She frowned just a paramount thought hit her: was he enlisting Marie and Jason with her because he was worried about her?
The Special Operation Squad consists of highly skilled members. Maybe Erwin was lying and only thought up of this solution to safeguard her when Levi wouldn't relent? Was this a compromise? This assumption ignited a simmering annoyance within her. She didn't want to be catered to, much less by someone like him.
However, at the reminder of how she fucked up just thirty minutes ago and nearly lost her life, Ida made no moves to confront him about it or rebel against it.
Ida left without another word. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, she was an amateur. Hopefully, the travel back to the Walls would go on without a hitch.
Levi had already informed Marie and Jason about their new positions by the time she arrived back to where her squad was. After a few minutes, the legion started to get into formation for their departure. Ida was already mounted on her horse, about to head to her new position in the formation when Levi came up to her again.
"If you're going to station your worthless ass at the right flank on lookout duty, then be helpful instead of a nuisance," Levi reminded her crudely. Ida could tell that he was not pleased with the arrangement and only reluctantly relented because of Erwin. He glared at her. "I won't be there to save you if you screw up again. Confidence is ignorance, and if you're ever feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know. Listen to orders for once and stay out of trouble."
Ida pressed her lips together, holding back a snarky retort. It was uncharacteristic of her, but she figured Levi had the right to be pissed with her after he saved her. She would tolerate his nonsense, for now.
"Under any circumstances, do not let them break the formation. If you do, everyone will be annihilated. That is the job of the lookout flank." Levi said briskly before steering his horse away and returning to his position. "Do your job properly even at the expense of your own shitty life, Starke."
"I know that. I can do my job very well."
She steered her horse away, but before she could kick into a gallop—
"Come back alive."
Ida stilled on top of her horse, shocked. Levi's voice came out in a hoarse mumble, but she was sure she heard it. It sounded somber, sad even. She wondered why. Not knowing what to reply, she pressed her lips together and dug her boots into her horse's ribcage, speeding away and separating from her squad.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
Other than the feeling of her horse rocking beneath her, Ida found herself disconnected for the majority of the ride back. She knew that she shouldn't have – that she was in a dangerous situation – but she couldn't help herself. Her mind was spinning. She would've gone insane if she didn't sort her emotions then.
Damn it.
She found herself staring at Marie and Jason who was at a good distance in front of her. Brave soldiers they were, she knew. It was because of this singular, simple thought that became the catalyst of the torrent of emotions that plagued her.
Even with the expedition coming to an end, she had yet to find the Survey Corps resolve to continue fighting — she had yet to find a true purpose that she agreed with, a purpose to fight.
Freedom was bullshit and clearly out of the question.
But maybe it was just her, maybe she was being cynical. It wasn't a far-fetch statement to say that Ida found it hard to hope or dream about something, much less dream about something so idealistic.
The thoughts churned in her head. Ida started to feel the bitterness seep into her when she recalled the events of the expedition.
She was glad that she had volunteered to be stationed at the right flank. At least this way, she wouldn't have to see Levi or Hanji.
Truth to be told, Ida was still incredibly pissed at the psychotic freak for almost causing her death. At the end of the whole drama happening with Hanji and that wretched Titan, her squad had found a notebook written by a former decreased Survey Corps soldier that documented her study on Titan before it killed her, and it only left Ida aggravated that Hanji still had something to work on with her study on Titans' nature.
Sure, it might help humanity some day or another, but she almost died for Pete's sake. Plus, the valuable notebook made Hanji delighted, and delighted was the last expression she wanted to see on Hanji's face at that moment.
Levi, on the other hand, unnerved her more than anything. She hated how it always looked like he was looking down on her, but what Ida hated most was the way he stared at her; with contempt and judgment as if he could see through her every single insecure thought. Ida wanted to kick herself over her misstep earlier, agitated at the fact that she owed him something now.
She couldn't outrightly hate her savior now, could she?
Stupid midget, she cursed. Him and his stupid perfection.
What the hell did he mean to come back alive? Why should he care? Clearly, he couldn't wait to get rid of me. The miserable sod cares about no one.
As time passed, Ida's mind went back to Levi's reminder earlier. He didn't really need to remind her, Ida had expected to encounter a Titan or two on their journey back to the wall; she was mentally prepared for it, she was on lookout duty after all. She knew exactly what to expect when she offered herself to be stationed on the outermost line of the formation, but she had never expected this to happen.
In Titan territory, one can never be too prepared, and Ida Starke was learning this the hard way.
"FIRE THE BLACK FLARE, WARN THE OTHERS!"
Jason screamed out amongst the panicked frenzy, closing in on three deviant class Titans that had suddenly emerged from the nearby forest.
"Shit! For all the godforsaken time they choose to give us a battle at the plains where our gear has limited usability!"
Ida anxiously scrambled to load her flare gun with her trembling hands beside him, panicking at the sudden dire turn of their situation. Finally managing to load her flare gun with a black smoke bullet, she fired, and a resonating bang echoed throughout the battlefield.
"We can't allow them to break the formation!" she cried, remembering Levi's words. She tugged slightly on the reins of her horse, slowing down and allowing her comrades to pull ahead of her. "We've got to fight!"
Marie rode by beside her. "Let us handle it! Go relay the message to the center!"
She stared at Marie in horror. Ida could guess what Marie was trying to do: she was still new to expeditions, and Marie was worried that she wouldn't have the necessary skills to get out of this precarious situation alive.
No… I can't leave them behind to fight alone. Out of the question.
"No! I will—"
A distant warning halted Ida's protest midway.
"Titans! More of them!"
Another piercing scream resonated through the plains followed by the sounds of death and the brutal slaughter ongoing. She felt her stomach lurch when she stared into the thick steam of the fallen Titans billowing towards the sky.
Then through the thick steam, she saw it.
Her eyes were wide as saucers when she saw an approaching hoard. Oh god. The sight of the grotesque monsters approaching made her blood run cold. Marie expected her to leave? To leave her comrades behind to fight that?
Never.
Her fingers reached for her handgrips, but she found that her hands were trembling out of their own oblivion. Once this realization was met, the horror slowly seeped into her and Ida became discombobulated.
The truth was, despite her arrogance, Ida knew she was still a rookie when it came to battling Titans. She was paralyzed; suddenly reminded of the scene of Shiganshina district where Titans tore into her home.
Momentarily, Ida felt like the little helpless girl she was back then as well.
Marie looked at the massacre in absolute terror but quickly snapped out of reverie. "Ida! Go and relay the message to the center. We will handle them!"
Before Ida could even conjure up a retort in her mind, Marie was already plugging her handgrips into her fresh blades. "Listen to me and go!"
"B – But we've already sent for a relay member!" Ida stammered, panic now clouding her voice. "I can't leave you alone—"
"We need to get this information relayed to the entire formation as quickly as possible, just go!" Marie raised her voice, anchored by urgency. "Trust us! We can handle this!"
Her trembling fingers started to reach for handgrips again. "No, I can fight!"
"Ida!" Marie called her name with such finality that she froze. "Listen to orders! I'm telling you, leave right now! You're just an amateur, I can't let you fight! Relay the message to the rest of the legion now!"
"B — But —"
"Go!" Marie screamed at her. With that, she flicked the reins on her horse and hurried to where Jason was fighting a nearby deviant.
The confusion and fear within her mixed, forming an unbearable tension in her chest. Helplessly, Ida watched Marie leave her side. Was it okay to let her go? She didn't know how many soldiers had already fallen. Her heart constricted at the thought of the death toll.
They departed from the camp a strong proud group of fifteen.
Yet now, she could count the number of the alive soldiers with one hand.
I can't leave… I can't let them fight alone…
Yet even with this determination so profoundly embedded in her mind, Ida found herself unable to move.
Her frantic eyes traced back to the plains where the brutal battle was still going on. The luscious green field that was dancing in the wind and was now plagued with cruel imagery; the blood of the fallen had polluted the once green earth. An ocean of blood swarmed over the expanse of the field in all directions, bringing with it the endless screams that shook the earth.
Ida shuddered when she heard the phantom screams of her comrades as they were eaten and torn limb by limb.
Overwhelmed, she tried to register the hectic and chaotic wreck in front of her, but she remained paralyzed in shock. The smell of iron-filled blood was wafting in the air, so pungent and strong that she felt as if all the oxygen in her trembling body had been sucked away only to be replaced by only by the toxic aroma of blood.
Bodies of the deceased were scattered around, and blood sprayed the field as if there was just a blood rain. She could hear the constant screams of pain, could hear the roaring cry of the Titans, could hear the bones being broken and flesh of her comrades being torn, could hear gears mechanism whirling and brave battle cries of her comrades.
Ida bit her lower lip, tasting the agony and pain of her comrades as they fought with their lives hanging on a thin string.
Just like the day Wall Maria fell…
They were greatly outnumbered, helpless, and crippled with fear.
Humanity can never win…
Never, never, never.
But I can't let them die like this—not again. Never.
Finally, Ida found the strength in her to grab onto her handgrips in her holsters, but just as her fingers met the metal, Levi's voice cut through the blank noise of her disorientated mind.
"Confidence is ignorance, and if you're ever feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know. Listen to orders for once and stay out of trouble."
She gritted her teeth, reminded that the last time she disobeyed orders, she almost died. What if this time, it wasn't just her death? What if the center formation didn't get the message? How many would die because of her then?
Jolted back by the horrifying thought, she retracted her hand back.
Now was not the time to think about rebelling or her stupid pride, she needed to obey orders. It was as Marie said, she was an amateur when it came to fighting Titans. She needed to flee as instructed.
She didn't know anything yet, far too inexperienced.
The only thing an amateur such as herself could do at such a time was to listen to orders.
Cursing, Ida quickly tore her wide eyes from the battlefield, and started her horse to a sprint, steering it towards the center formation where the relay team was. She should trust in her comrades; they weren't that weak as the helpless citizens in Shiganshina. Right now, she needed to do her part a scout. Relaying the message took precedence over anything.
The formation cannot be destroyed, if not then the death toll would be even larger.
"JASSSSOOOONNN!"
Marie's distinctive scream hit her eardrums like an amplifier, and it exploded into tiny fragments. It was almost as if an oncoming Armoured Titan had hit her and halted her heartbeat from the impact.
Don't look back. Don't.
Though Ida promised herself to not look back, she pulled her horse into an abrupt halt. She darted her gaze back to the battlefield. Instantly, there was aching pain in her heart while she watched a lifeless body hanging from a Titan's grasp, the distinctive bald head gleaming in the sunlight from where Ida was standing.
Her heart dropped to her stomach as she watched on helplessly when a Titan lifted Jason's corpse into his mouth with fresh, crimson blood dripping from his limp hands.
Her hands trembled as strands of stray red hair covered her solemn eyes.
No.
It wasn't worth it at all.
When she woke up this morning on the day of her first expedition, Ida had decided that perhaps this "freedom" that everyone was going on and on about was worth the fight — it was worth giving up her life for. And on a quest to find the truth behind it all, she embarked on this adventure cockily, determined to find the truth.
But now, in the middle of the bloodied battlefield, Ida couldn't be more resolved that her cynical thoughts were right after all.
The price "freedom" called for was simply too far much. It wasn't worth these many people, it wasn't worth facing these fucking Titans expedition after expedition. So why? Why did these brave soldiers embark on senseless expeditions when they could remain safely behind the walls? Ida simply couldn't understand.
It was happening again — her watching the onslaught helplessly from the side-lines.
"You fucking monster!"
Marie charged towards the Titan that was chewing on Jason; her voice clouded by rage. It was a reckless maneuver, one that no rational-headed veteran should make.
Ida gasped loudly in realization.
No!
Her horse reeled underneath her at the painful whip. Ida charged towards Marie. Her voice cracked as she screamed, silently praying that Marie could hear her.
"MARIE! DON'T!"
It was too late.
Everything seemed to have played in slow motion. Another Titan simultaneously grabbed the unsuspecting Marie's gear wire, dragging her easily towards it. "AHHH!"
Ida's heart stopped at the sight. "No!"
Marie stopped struggling when she saw her approaching from afar. "Don't come back, you idiot! Go to Captain Levi, save your—"
Blood.
Ida never got to hear her comrade's final words.
Her body's temperature climbed when a spray of blood rained down. All Ida could do was watch pathetically in dismay as the Titan grabbed Marie with both large hands and snapped her spine in two. Then, it slowly moved her body to it's awaiting jaws to devour it.
She stopped her horse. Ida stared painfully into Marie's lifeless eyes peeking through the grip of Titan's large hands. Pain. She could see so much pain in them – her final emotions before her death.
Ida's shoulders started shuddering. "Ha… ha… ha…"
Her expression twisted in one of confusion and horror as she laughed. Her mind raced as she tried to digest what had just happened.
They were the strongest Titan killers, right? The elite of the elite, the chosen ones under Levi's command. So how can they be so helpless? They couldn't have died…
Why…?
Forcing herself to pull her eyes away, she took in the catastrophe around her.
Whimpering. Screams. Agony. Gears. Soldiers. Fighting. Insignificant. Crimson blood. Large glass eyes. Intestines. The crunching of the bone. Limbs. Swallowing. Spitting. Devouring.
Those inhuman eyes of the Titans around her chilled her bones and extinguished her fury in an instance; extinguished her desire to fight and her resolve to keep up her tough girl act and revert her back to that insignificant scared little girl she used to be, that useless, cowardly, scared little girl that she was long before.
Ida laughed softly in paralyzed fear, watching as another lone scout tried to flee the area after watching his friend get devoured by another Titan.
Her shaking intensified when she watched him get picked up and his leg bitten out. The screams, oh god, the agonizing scream was so loud.
Then, it was silent again.
Alone, she was alone now. The lone survivor again…
Why her? Why was it always her that was the last one left standing?
Why was she so helpless to stop all this?
Why was couldn't she protect anyone?
Despair. Guilt. Remorse.
Loud. Louder.
A strangled laugh that sounded like a sob escaped her lips. Her sobs increased by the octaves as Ida finally released her pain and pent up frustration. Ida felt herself instinctively reaching for her blade by her sides. Her blood temperature rapidly climbed.
I… can't save them…
Everyone around me dies…
They can't depend on me…
Her body moved on its own, fuelled by the only emotion Ida had left. Rage. Without even thinking twice, she charged headfirst into the group of Titans, screaming to her heart's content.
A symphony of images cut through the white noise of her one-way mind – images from the fall of Wall Maria. Images from the memory of herself, back from a time she was a different person.
But what was the use of being so skilled when you're utterly helpless in protecting your comrades? What exactly did she train so vigorously for in the Underground City? Why was she paralyzed with fear at a time like this?
No, no, no…
Everything was so clear to her now. She was the last one standing. If she allowed the Titan hoard to approach the main formation, it would be detrimental — she didn't even want to think how many more soldiers would lose their lives.
She couldn't allow the Titans to break the formation; if the scout that they had sent earlier did not make it... if he encountered a Titan on the way there… then the results would be disastrous. More people would die.
Ida wouldn't take the chance.
She had to fight.
She had to.
A battle cry to erupt from her throat. She squatted and balanced on top of her sprinting horse, readying her aim for the grapples of her gear to latch onto her prey.
Ida knew it was foolish.
It was foolish of her to even think that she could take them all on by herself. But she didn't care at that point; she was too blinded from her raging emotions, too despaired over her loss, too angry at the twisted world. The wrathful fury inside her bubbled and all she could care about was executing her vengeance.
Shot her grapple and felt the tension of the wire. With a sharp hiss of her gears, she kicked herself into the air.
Hatred, fury, rage — she channeled it all into her leap of fate.
If she was to go down, then so be it. At least she went down trying to accomplish her final job — to protect the legion; to protect mankind; to protect people…
Not because she had resigned herself to die, but because she cared about people's lives. Levi was wrong about her; he was wrong about everything about her.
Repentance.
For all her sins, for all that she had done in the Underground, for all the people she failed to protect, for all the people that she had killed in order to survive in the past…
Like a deadly dancing rapier, Ida flew in the air, maneuvering her hips as she made a sharp turn.
Extracting a pair of fresh sharp blades, she charged forward and sliced the Titan's fingers. She grabbed the limp hand from the Titan's palm and shot another grapple to a nearby tree.
With a loud thud of her boots and the corpse, she landed back on the ground. Ida looked at Marie's gruesome corpse sombrely. Her lower limbs were completely torn from the upper torso. She placed her hands over Marie's hollow eyes and closed them.
"Marie… I'm sorry…"
Though Marie wasn't exactly close with her, Ida was grateful for her warmness, for her acceptance.
No one, not Jason, and especially not sweet Marie deserved to die a death like this.
It was happening again. Her black soul was whispering words in her ears: 'It was your fault they died, if you didn't want to go to the right flank, if you weren't Erwin's daughter, if you weren't born… Marie and Jason wouldn't be assigned to follow you… Then none of this would've happened…'
Her eyes were dry as Ida rose back to her feet. Mentally, she contained the sorrow she felt and kept it locked in her heart. The guttural groans of the Titans reminded her of what she had to do.
"Freedom was not worth it," she had once said. But it was on that day when Ida Starke stood amidst the battlefield cloaked with the blood of her comrades that she discovered something else — she discovered what was driving the Survey Corps to embark on an expedition after expedition despite everything.
It was vengeance for their fallen comrades that kept those brave soldiers going.
It was the thought of inheriting the will and dreams of their deceased that held their morals and hope up.
It was because every soldier had sacrificed too much to give up now.
Because if they give up now then all their immeasurable sacrifices would be in vain.
Holding onto her blades tightly, she turned around and glared at the monsters – seeing all the Titans charging towards her once. Determined to inherit the will and dreams of the fallen, unyielding in her resolve to protect people, she was never more resolved to kill.
Freedom was not worth it…
She pulled herself to a battle stance, green eyes flaming with fury as she fell into a blind rage. Ida could see them all: Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Eld, and even Levi… the people who counted on her.
But… protecting the people I care about is!
With a sharp hiss of her gear, Ida took to the sky again, the Wings of Freedom on her cloak flapping in the wind.