Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Twenty One

I could barely sleep I kept wanting to go to my bedroom and check I wasn't imagining that she had actually come home with me. By five I gave up and just went to my desk to write. It flowed out of me then. Our original dialogue mixed in with some new lines, internal musings being captured in conversations with another character or in AA meetings. Her being close to me let the flood gates open and I couldn't stop myself even if I wanted to. I needed to share my thinking my memories. Whether they made it into the final script I didn't know, I couldn't imagine anyone would want to sit through a twenty hour film but regardless it felt important to write them all, it felt important to get my head around my thinking or what I perceived I was thinking at these times.

Monday I was supposed to start unpacking that summer with my Counsellor, I was supposed to share that part of my story. Since sharing with Brandon on Friday night my fears on why I hurt her, how I thought maybe I was secretly mad at her, I was even more fearful of attending that appointment. What happens if I was right? What happens if I hurt her because of a sick twisted sense of revenge? How do I tell her that? How could I ever ask her to be with a man who was capable of that?

Though if it was true, if that was my truth then I had to own it and I would have to share it. I couldn't lie to her, I didn't want lies between us. I told her last night I wanted to be her secret keeper and I wanted the same from her. I wanted her to love me for all of me like she used to, she had been the only person who ever had. Kelly well I'm not sure she loved me really. The idea of me maybe but not the reality, not my need for quietness, isolation and my darkness. She may have known something about my experiences as a child how they live with you but she didn't embrace that constant companion in the same way, and she never could see past herself to understand why I couldn't relate to mine in a similar way that she did her's.

She constantly wanted distraction from it, wanted distraction's affirmations to beat it back- most popular, prettiest, shopping, flirting, sex, they were all her coping mechanisms and in junior high some of them had even been mine. Not though in sophomore not in junior. Bren wouldn't allow those falsehoods the charade. She wasn't afraid to sit in my darkness with me and hold my hand, she wasn't afraid to listen to the pain of it all. Sitting in it with her gave me power to successfully work my AA program, it gave me comfort to be more silly to not take myself so seriously. Hell I dressed up for Halloween, I attended all the dance's, I spoke French to her in corridors, I took her to give blood, I was vulnerable with my dad. I was comfortable for the first time in my own skin, I wasn't chasing a high to make myself feel better. She was my constant high, my love for her and hers for me elevated me out of the need to search for instant gratification.

Instant gratification, sometime that summer it had become my normal again. Had become my coping mechanism again. Somehow that summer I had fallen into old patterns. Take the easy way out by lying rather than tell Jack I couldn't write the reference, get high from instant fixes of pleasure ignoring the consequences, hide my mistakes rather than own them. Avoid difficult conversations by storming off and hiding. That summer I had forgotten all the lessons I had learnt or the better strategies, I slipped back into junior high patterns.

I had regressed to that guy the one who blamed the world rather than took responsibility, no wonder I felt Kelly understood me better than anyone else on those swings. It's because I had fallen back into my coping mechanisms of an addict. She had started to become one herself then, she had been raised by one all her life. She understood the animal that searched for instant gratification to hide dealing with the real pain- no wonder we had so much sex it was a high that could make us forget the rest. It wasn't healthy it wasn't real, it was a codependent relationship of addiction.

Looking at the dialogue that unwrapped that epiphany I sat back from my desk, pushing my chair a foot away. I wanted distance between me and those words, I wanted distance from the fact that I had become what I saw as a functioning addict again and no one had seen it. Well not no one, Bren knew something was wrong she knew that I wasn't acting normal she knew from the moment I walked into her house- isn't that why she asked Kelly on the beach the next day? She knew something wasn't right but everyone else didn't see it, everyone else past it off as me being moody. She knew she knew I wasn't acting rational over the SATs, that I was blowing up about college and her smoking. That I was lying to her again. She knew I wasn't myself, and I pushed her away because of it. I pushed her away because living in the comedowns was getting harder, living without the temporary high's the euphoria the relief they generated was exhausting me. Those months when she got back I could see myself I had an itch I couldn't scratch I was frustrated, it wasn't a Kelly itch it was the itch of the addict it was itch of the craving.

I'm on the couch a couple of hours later drinking coffee lost in my thoughts when she hop's out of our room. She is smooshed like she usually is after a heavy sleep, she looks warm. I want nothing more than to wrap her in my arms and hold her. I want nothing more than to tell her that the morphing of my addiction like this scares even me. I want to tell her how I'm frightened that it's not just booze and drug's I need to be fearful of but it's sex it's pleasure that is hollow, it's anything that gives me a high that I can distract myself from my pain.

"What's wrong?"

I give her a weak smile, "nothing just some deep thoughts I'm trying to process. Sit down and I'll grab you a coffee."

As she sits. I go to stand, she puts her hand on my knee to stop me. "What's wrong?" Secret keeper, showing her I'm different, that she can ask me anything.

I fall back heavy on the couch. "I'm… I told you I'm in counselling. I have a big session tomorrow. It's stuff I'm afraid to explore, it's stuff I don't like about myself, it's maybe the worst of me." I rub my hand over my face and then lean forward to look at my hands, I can't look at her when I say this. "I'm afraid that my addiction is not just booze and drugs, I'm afraid that my addiction can morph and has morphed throughout the years."

"It has."

I instantly sit up and look at her. What she knows?

"Dylan when you woke from that coma did you speak to your doctor's did you speak to the addiction experts at the hospital?" I shake my head, I woke and I was too busy feeling high from seeing Jack. Fuck!

"Iris spoke to them a lot, I spoke to them a lot. I told you it was my deal with Iris the only way I'd stay in London. The gang had filled her in on everything, my parents had filled her in, Val had filled her in on the rest. She shared it all with your doctor's and me. The booze and drugs were expected the women… your doctors asked if that was common for you. Iris couldn't answer but… well I hope you don't mind that I shared your history. They were surprised that a sixteen year old, well it's an unusually high amount they thought it maybe related to your addiction. I'm sure you know addiction effects your brain replaces your whole thinking, your true needs and desires are stripped and only the desire for the addiction is left. You no longer think about consequences or anything else just the high. Iris well she told you weeks ago that she knew you got depressed-"

"Yeah she was angry that I pretended yours wasn't there when I had experience with it with my own moodiness."

"Your Doctor's… your addictions started really young it's unusual. Your doctors felt it was more likely a coping mechanism for actual depression, not 'moodiness'. The treatment center we chose for you well they were to discuss this with you, they were supposed to help you to determine if the hospital diagnosis was valid."

"I told you I didn't do much of anything in there. The bare minimum to get out. I came out looking for an immediate high just not booze or drugs-"

"Money, finding Erica and Kelly."

I nod. She doesn't say more just gives me a moment to process. Depression I had been angry and sad for a long time but my life had been void of so much. Dad at first had been okay, I saw Iris sporadically throughout the years; trips to New York, her passing through town. When puberty hit that's when Jack and I clashed more, by fourteen I was kicked out. I was struggling. I was struggling before that though. I had disconnected from everyone at school. I had turned to booze, I didn't want to do anything but read, surf and drink. Eventually girls were added into that mix. Was the darkness there before the booze? When did it come in? Was it there when I played baseball as a kid when we first got to junior high and I was on the team? Was it there when I'd travel with my dad? I was lonely I knew that I had always been lonely but when had it turned into lows that would last day's weeks on end?

"Do you think that that summer? Do you think with Baja, your dad, Jack's parole- do you think I could have been feeling depressed?"

It's her turn to lean forward and avoid my eyes. She runs both hands through her hair, "you think that you and Kelly that summer was your addiction, you self medicating to push you out of the lows you were feeling?"

"Yeah. I never once thought of the consequences even when Kelly was saying them, I ignored them I ignored what it would mean for you and me- no that's wrong I didn't even think of what it meant for you and me not until you got back and then I was scrambling to hide it. Scrambling to make it go away. I just wanted the rush of it, it was all I was focused on."

"Yeah. Yeah I think it could have been that but I'm not a doctor Dylan I only know what they believed happened in the hospital. All they know is that they were surprised at how well you could give up your addictions when we started dating, how you were okay throughout that summer even when faced with our breakup and without any AA support, you were fine until your mum came home with you to LA. They were shocked that one threat from me weeks later made you go cold turkey, that you didn't slip. Your addictions aren't all demanding when-"

"When I have you, when I'm happy, when I feel safe to register and deal with the darkness, when I could talk it out with you."

She nods.

"My addictions were always slightly different from that of other people in AA. I didn't obsess over the substance for my next fix of it."

It makes sense, it all makes sense. How I was only happy with Kelly if we were having sex, running away to Europe, buying ridiculously expensive cars, how when Erica showed up I couldn't live in the cracks of that dysfunction anymore. When I felt like I had support, my best friend and stability with a new family, I had less darkness in me it didn't pull me down so much. Then I could handle what I saw as the constant rejection from Bren. Kelly and I didn't last long after that.

I look over at my girl, she is struggling with all this as much as I am. "You know as overwhelming as it is to understand that this maybe the case, that if I had been aware of my illness the last few years the hurt I caused you may never have happened… as overwhelming as all that is, I'm glad it's this. It feels right. It makes sense of a lot of experiences growing up, a lot of feelings and disconnections to people. It makes sense of how deep my darkness goes how I can spiral within it." I shake my head, feeling like all the dots are finally connected is like my brain is lighting up in understanding. A sense of relief begins to rise up. "I'm glad it's not what I feared it could be."

She looks up then, "what did you think it could be?"

"That I did it to hurt you to punish you for blowing up our good thing with your lie about Baja. That I did it for revenge."

Whatever reaction I was expecting at my statement her giggle was no where on that list. "Seriously you thought that-" she tries to hold back her giggle but it busts out again.

In the face of her amusement I feel I need to defend the thinking. "Hey Brandon thought it could-" that makes her break out in a belly laugh.

"I swear to god, you both are as emotionally stunted as each other. Let's even imagine you could ever be that cruel, which you couldn't be. Do you really think you would have hidden it if you were doing it for revenge?" She laughs again, "I swear you are able to always think the worst of yourself."

I watch her eyes dance with amusement, it makes me smile. It's a weird thing to smile about but her reaction tells me she has more faith in me than I do, even after everything. Even when I am at my worst even when I was erratic back then. I stand and pick up my empty mug, "okay chuckles let me go get you your coffee." As I walk out I'm amazed at her reaction Brandon thought it could be logical. Before I turn the corner to enter the kitchen I stop and turn around and face her. "Bren Brandon thought… well I was pretty messed up and I hurt you in ways I didn't know I was capable of. He thought I could be right. How do you know it's not right?"

She shakes her head and smiles, "how did you know after me almost running off to get married to a guy I barely knew, after getting arrested breaking into the lab, how did you know after months of my own erratic behaviour that I didn't sleep with Roy to get the part? Even Brandon thought it could be possible."

I feel my cheeks rise, "because I know you, that's a line you would never cross."

"Ditto. Dylan you would never maliciously hurt me. Do you know as we were walking through the park that day you spat, it's not something you usually do? Do you know you couldn't make eye contact, that your energy was fucking all over the place? I had never seen you like that, it was like you were pumping yourself up as we walked pumping yourself up to be a different person. It… you that day you weren't natural. Hurting me being cruel to me it's not natural to you. You will never be capable of hurting me on purpose with intent to cause me pain. You will never be capable of that."

My smile drops, "then why? Why do you believe that I'm that guy now?"

She looks at me and drops all traces of lightness, "is this question one for today?" I nod. "Dylan it may not be the intention but you could hurt me as a byproduct. Look I thought you got better, I thought the rehab had worked. I thought that in sound mind and body you chose her again. Dylan I didn't know about my fathers threat about your dad's parole, I wasn't versed in dealing with my own episode of depression, back then I didn't know about your potential illness- we were teenagers. But since senior year I have believed you chose her, that you loved her more than me. Not because you wanted to hurt me but because you wanted her more, that I wasn't enough. You doing that again after rehab, not reaching out to me. I… look for a long time I have thought I was not your first choice it's been years of thinking that. It's ingrained into me now. Unpacking this all with you, all our crossed wire's, our insecurities, our reactions to our own depressive episodes… unpacking all that does not automatically wipe that away. It doesn't change how I've seen us for the last few year's. It doesn't make me believe that I'm not going to be passed over again for something better."

I nod, the buoyancy I felt at her previous words drying up. She didn't trust us she didn't trust the words, even if she knows they are right. When Jack came back I didn't trust him as much as I wanted to as much as he was saying the right words. It wasn't till he sang to me that we shared that genuine unguarded moment did I let the slithers of trust start to creep in. Time, patience and actions that will hopefully let it start to slither in between us.

"Bren you don't have to but I see my counsellor every weekday morning. Would you be interested in coming to a session with me? You can talk or just listen but would you come and see?"

She bites her lip, "uh thank you for the invitation can I think about it though?" I nod and turn back around to get myself a refill and Bren her first cup for the day.

Hours later I'm driving us back to our house squeezing the wheel tightly. "Dylan you love this car, I imagine after your accident you've spent a lot of money getting it restored so maybe you should stop trying to break it."

I loosen my hold marginally, "he's a fucking asshole. How did you ever date that idiot? Fuck even Stuart is better than him."

She shakes her head, "what exactly did he do from the control booth of the studio to annoy you?"

"Fifteen times, fifteen times he called you kitten. On your final take he practically purred it at you. I caught him five times trying to eye fuck you, and three times he touched you he at least got the message every time you froze up that he was not wanted."

"Did you keep a pen and paper in your pocket to keep count?"

"Bren don't be cute. That guy is a fucking asshole and he's dangerous-"

"Okay don't get me wrong he and I and her well I don't trust them at all but dangerous, in what way did he show you that he was dangerous today?"

There is clear disbelief in her voice, "he… it was a vibe-"

"Dylan you don't believe in vibes unless you are taking after your mother as you get older."

"Okay fine he doesn't listen. I told him to cut it out-" her throat clearing makes me look at her, "don't give me that look. You told me to be quiet that I could watch but not talk but how can I do that when that asshole doesn't respect your wishes and keeps calling you kitten and making lewd remarks at you?"

"Okay let's pretend that argument is at all sane, with you getting angry and engaging with him for not observing my wishes, when I told you not to do that. I mean let's pretend it's sane to get angry at him for doing the same thing you were doing. It's clear neither of you can follow a simple instruction. But what lewd remark did he make? And don't say kitten."

"He told you he knew you were capable of going deeper-"

"Dylan he was talking about me hitting a particularly hard note. It needed to be very clear for the soundtrack recording."

"Okay he offered to help you warm up your throat-"

"Vocal warm ups before we started recording. You do know you are being ridiculous right?"

I ignore her remark, "what vocal reason did he have for telling you that that top shows off your assets very well?"

"Okay that one was lewd but considering he looked at you afterwards and watched steam come out of your ears I think it was to taunt you. Even with the accent Patrick knows he could never get away with speaking like that unless he had had a few pint's."

"Yeah well regardless he's a dick."

"I don't know maybe if you bonded at a strip club you'd think differently?"

"What?" As I'm saying the word I immediately get the reference, "hey you were the one running off to marry the loser in Vegas I had two options. Try and break it up which had already looked to fail after the poetry reading, or support you and hope that he would still allow me and you to be best friends."

"Oh so you telling him I was a cheater was you being supportive?"

Shit! "Look I said support you, I didn't say I was thrilled over the prospect. Though I did hope he'd be at least a nice first husband to you."

She snort's a laugh at that, "first husband?"

"Baby unless you are marrying me all the others will just be a number. They'll never be just your husband, they'll never be for life."

"Fuck your cocky sometimes."

"Would you like me to show you how cocky I am?"

At that she laughs out loud, "I don't need the show and tell I felt it last night." I smile after our heavy morning we had been jumping in between meaningful and playful conversations all day. I was aiming for more playful not wanting for her to regret deciding to stay with me. She changes the subject, "for dinner what are your thoughts on sushi?"

"Are you still obsessed with that?"

"Yes. London has great fish and chips but sushi is not big there. Hawaii though it's everywhere."

"I remember. Next time we go I'll take you to my favourite one there."

"Dylan-"

I stop her before she can try and regulate my expectations, she had been doing it since B's room last night. "I'm sure the McKay women would enjoy maybe a Christmas visit from us, we can even invite Roy, or we could go for Erica's grand final- they have grand finals in soccer right?"

"Yes football does have a grand final but-"

"So sushi do you want takeaway or to eat in?"

She can see right through my interrupts but sighs and chooses not to fight me on it. "Dine in would be great. I'm not used to being so home bound these day's, well except when we stay in the country house but even then there are fields to walk through." England right. I guess I should start figuring out what our life would look like over there.

"Do you like the country?"

"Yeah the cottage in Cornwall is lovely it has the best of the farm and the coast." Okay so there was some beach that was good to know when I wanted to go surfing.

"Are you hoping to move back to London after this and resume RADA?" If she said yes I'd start looking for a place to buy, I couldn't see me living with her and Roy, and I don't think I should count on her living with me full time just yet. If it was close enough to Roy's though when she did feel comfortable then the move to our place would be easier for her and I imagine her English best friend to handle.

"Not this academic year. I'll go back to London to finish off the postproduction for the second film but the studio and the gaming company want a worldwide launch. Asia, Australia, South America… they see me attending premieres and gaming launches into the new year."

"Three months of world travel. Is Roy with you for it all?" That could be a great adventure for us, a great way for us to have a fresh start. We could make a whole new range of memories.

"The big market launches yes, but he needs to manage the postproduction of the sequel. The gaming company and studio are thinking… well Roy has pushed them to think that we should be unique and premier the two within six months of each other. He wants the second out for the summer. He say's it's great marketing which it is, we will be a unique franchise and get publicity from the strategy alone but it's also because he misses the theatre he wants an autumn production on the West End."

"Will you star in it?"

"Only if I audition well. Roy loves me but he loves his reputation as well. He values his artistic integrity so there is no special treatment for earning the part."

I nod and then realise the exit we need to take is coming up, well depending on where we are going. "Okay so which Sushi restaurant do you want to go to there is a great one on Melrose?"

She groan's, "that is a good one but Roy and the waitress… maybe she's not working."

I laugh, "Bren no dramas there's a good one in North Hollywood as well."

"Nope that one is definitely out, that waitress was bunny boil level upset with him."

"Is there any restaurants where he doesn't take the waitress home?"

"No he thinks flirting gets better service and it tends to lead to… well Roy has an appetite."

"How do put up with that?"

"I keep a map on the fridge in London colour coded. Red highlights places we can't go to, pink it's dicey, green she didn't get hocked on him. There isn't much green, Roy is proud of that he likes accolades in all thing's. He is a man who likes to be applauded. "

"How on earth do my mother and him get along? She hate's ego."

She laughs, "they don't. Fifteen minutes is usually the max before she either has to go meditate or sends him away. Erica and I love watching it. They are hilarious in their interactions. He tries to flirt with her to carry favour, she is completely immune. It can get outrageous at times."

She fills me in on some of their interactions, I'm soon belly laughing at the two of them.

"Okay I definitely think a trip to Hawaii is in order, I want to see the fun."

"Dylan-" Yep I am not ready to be brought down to earth, I want to focus on being positive on the belief that we are making steps in the right direction.

"Oh look we are here. Let's see if the waitress is on and remembers you."