Chapter revamped: 17 December 2020
Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie
Chapter 05 — Delusions of Strength
Levi spent most of the ride back silent and brooding. He couldn't put a finger on it, but there was a certain hollowness around his chest that just didn't allow him to relax. He just couldn't concentrate on the road in front of him. Subconsciously, he found himself darting subtle glances towards the right flank where the rest of his squad were stationed.
Too quiet, he observed with narrowed eyes. Something's wrong. Titans?
He gritted his teeth. Yeah, Titans. What else could bloody it be? It had to be that.
He was sure his squad had sensed something heavy was on his mind, but he really didn't give a shit. At least they had enough sense not to question him on it; other than the necessary conversation, they kept their mouths shut.
"Captain? Captain!" Petra's high-pitched voice floated into his eardrums, snapping him out of his train of thoughts. "Did you hear what I just said?"
Shit.
Levi jerked his head around to acknowledge her. The rest of his squad were staring at him, stunned. He knew what they were confused about. Though he always displayed an emotionless façade, he was more alert than he seemed to be, especially when they were beyond the walls.
"It's too damned noisy around here with all these horses," Levi scowled when he saw the unsaid concern on their expressions, "speak louder."
"Uhm, the green flare has been fired, should we relay the message?"
The hoofs of their sprinting horses resonated through the fields. Levi angled his head back to the front. Just a green flare, nothing major happening yet. Everything was fine, or as fine as it could be on a damned expedition.
So, why the hell was he so restless?
"How many times have you been on expeditions to not know this, Petra?" came his simply crass reply. "Oluo, fire the signal."
His sharp tone must have a sting of surprise and fear through Oluo because he jumped slightly on top of his horse. "Yes, sir!"
"I've got a message!"
A loud voice pulled their attention and Levi turned just in time to see a soldier steering his sprinting horse nearer towards them.
"Three Titans suddenly appeared! Enemy detection on the right flank is currently engaged in a battle! Please relay the message to the squads stationed on your left!"
His eyes expanded. "The right flank?!"
The soldier flinched at Levi's uncharacteristic loud outburst. He nodded skittishly as a confirmation. Levi clenched his teeth, one hand sweeping through his dark hair, the strands falling at once back across his troubled gaze.
"Captain?"
He glared at Eld. His second in command only exchanged surprised looks with Oluo as though to convey how odd it was that he would express surprise at a situation like this. Years of experience on expeditions, he should've gotten used to it by now.
Gunther nodded to Petra. "I'm sure they're alright."
"I hope so…." Petra mumbled, feigning a smile.
Levi bit back a groan, feeling all forms of self-control that he had so carefully installed for years slip away dangerously. Calmly, he pieced back his stoic assemble. Marie and Jason there – worst-case scenario, they would all just have to flee.
He fought to keep his expression neutral. "You heard him Petra, go."
Suddenly, another deafening flare was fired, and they snapped their heads in the direction of the flare in unison.
Eld's face turned insipid. "Another black signal from the right flank! A deviant appeared?!"
The dark rage in Levi's gaze deepened. Black signal flare. He narrowed his eyes, calmly studying the situation.
It would take some time for the soldier to arrive here from the right flank to convey the message. Three Titans had appeared when he left. If another black signal flare had appeared only now…
The gravity in his gray eyes deepened. Shit. Fucking shit.
More shitty Titans had appeared on the right flank.
As soon as the troubling realization was met, Levi found himself tugging sharply on his horse's rein. "Petra! Relay the message! The rest of you carry on ahead without me! Eld, I leave you in charge!"
"Huh—wait! Captain!" Gunther called after him, but he ignored him and sped towards the direction of the black signal. "Captain! It's too dangerous!"
Without sparing a second glance back, Levi continued riding. Damn it, damn it all. Why the right fucking flank? He should've known, he should've fucking put a stop to it. Jason, Marie, and even that damned brat were there.
Shit.
"Captain!" Levi sensed Oluo following him. "Where are you going?"
Levi's frown was immediate. "I thought I told you to stay within your station," he snapped. "Or are you incapable of listening to orders now, Oluo?"
He slapped his reins, pushing his horse fasters. Levi needed to get there on time. He knew that he shouldn't have allowed Ida and the rest to be assigned at the enemy detection lookout stations. However, before he could start to berate himself for his choices, Oluo's obnoxious voice found his way into his disturbed mind.
"Captain! I know you have your reasons for leaving the formation so suddenly, but Jason and Marie can handle themselves, and Starke is skilled as well—"
Oluo cut himself off when Levi glared at him. At least the man knew to shut up when needed. Exercising his jaw, Levi focused on the road ahead. Damn it. He had stated immeasurable times that he hated unnecessary casualties. So many times he warned his subordinates to use their judgment so that they can avoid blunders that might cost them their lives.
And now, he could only hope that they listened. All he needed was for them to preserve long enough for him to arrive.
After a few minutes of riding, a cloud of white hazy fog came into view. Oluo gasped, his shifty eyes taking in the scene. Levi knew what it was. Titan steam. He strained his eyes to see into the steam, unconsciously releasing a held back breath. But he couldn't see or hear anything.
Oluo stammered. "What…?"
"Steam from a fallen Titan…" Levi said brusquely. "Looks like a fight went down before all of this shit happened."
"The steam is densely concentrated," Oluo said breathlessly. From the way he was looking around, Levi knew he was wondering if there were any Titans still lurking about. "Do you think that Jason and Marie—ACK!"
Oluo's horse neighed wildly as he pulled it to a sudden halt. Hearing this, Levi stopped his horse. "Oluo?!"
His subordinate didn't answer but Levi saw him swallow dryly. Oluo was staring incredulously somewhere. Levi followed his gaze and registered the remnants of the battle.
Corpses. Unrecognizable corpses of their fellow soldiers covered the bloody fields. Dismembered arms, legs, entrails, and even severed heads. Alongside them were steaming disintegrating Titans corpses.
Two, four, no… Levi narrowed his eyes. More than five Titans.
"What happened here…?" Oluo looked at him and Levi suddenly saw the fear in his eyes. "How many Titans were there? Wait! Where's Marie and Jason?!"
The thundering sounds of Titan's footsteps alerted them. The two men instinctively reached for their blades in preparation for an attack. But the footsteps weren't getting any nearer – instead it seemed to be heading further away.
"Gears at ready." Levi started his horse, threading closer towards the sound with Oluo anxiously following behind.
Gears. He could hear gears in use; the sounds of blades slicing through flesh prominent and distinct. Suddenly, a booming thud of something falling reverberated in the air. The distinctive sound of a Titan's immense body falling to the ground. Someone had killed it. The impact of the Titan's body colliding with the air pushed the steam away. The steam cleared just as something fell from the air.
Red. Scarlet red hair.
"Starke…?" Levi breathed out almost incredulously, not believing what he was seeing.
Swinging off his horse and ignoring the dissuading pleas from Oluo, Levi rounded the fast disintegrating left of the fallen Titan.
A mop of red hair shone brightly in the late afternoon's rays.
Ida Starke.
Levi stared, bewildered. She was in bad shape, panting and heaving as she crouched down on one knee. One broken blade stabbed into the ground for support, her other blade was barely clutched in her right hand. Blood was splattered all over her, evidence of her massacre.
"Oi." Levi rushed to her. "Are you the only one who managed to make it out alive?"
Ida said nothing, appearing to be in a daze. "Ah," she clutched onto her rib, groaning in pain.
Levi's eyes went wide. Injured. From what he could tell, it was obvious that a Titan had grabbed her mid-battle and crushed her ribs. Fuck. What in the name of all the three Walls were going on?
Struggling, she dropped her blade in her right hand and closed the eyes of the half-eaten corpse beside her. Pain seemed to have rippled through every fiber of her body. Levi noted the muscles tightening dangerously in her jaw. If this wasn't a clear sign of a human hating themselves without filter, then Levi didn't know what was.
He zeroed in on the gruesome remains of the soldier beside her. The bald head was distinct. Shit. It was Jason. As both men took in the gruesome scene, Oluo could barely contain the shock spreading on his face while Levi remained impassive.
"Jason…" Oluo whispered, stammering. "Hey… did you kill those Titans by yourself? What about Marie?!"
Ida regarded them with yet another silent response. Levi frowned. Shit. He didn't need to ask to know what happened. Though he could scarcely believe it, the scene before him was clear. There were at least seven Titan corpses in his view.
But how the fuck did Ida manage to make it out alive?
Oluo moved to her. "Hey, Starke—"
He stopped when Ida struggled to prop herself up. She lifted her head, looking straight at Levi. Their eyes met. Nothing but pain was apparent on her face. But it wasn't the pain from her wounds, Levi was sure.
No. That shitty look was clear, he had seen it thousands of times before. It was pain that came from the loss of her comrades.
Levi frowned, fighting to keep the surprise off his face. He had always thought Ida was incapable of showing any other emotions other than anger, but this was different.
Weakly swinging the blade, Ida pointed the dull edge accusingly towards Levi and she staggered forward, "…Hah, I thought you said you weren't coming to save me this time…"
Levi's frown was immediate, he knew from experience that Ida had obtained more injuries than the physical human eye could discern.
"She's disorientated," Oluo stated obviously.
Ida closed her eyes and tried to fight through the pain coursing through her body, Levi approached her. "Help me out."
"I..." Ida limped forward towards him; her leg seemingly fractured. Levi stopped, confused. She winched, whatever movements clearly aggravating the injuries she had sustained from her battle.
"…I didn't let those damned Titans break the formation..." she slurred. From the way her eyes were hazy, Levi knew that she had physically exerted herself and wouldn't be able to stay up much longer. "Y — You said it yourself, right…? Under any circumstances, I must not let them break the formation…"
Ida continued to ramble on weakly, her words barely audible.
"...I protected everyone else…"
Suddenly, she stumbled forward, losing her footing. Shit. Levi caught her just in time before she hit the ground, snaking his hands under her armpits. Ida coughed, blood splattering out from her mouth and onto his uniform. He felt the disbelieving frown deepened. He knew he should've gotten her out of there, but he was simply too shocked to do anything in response.
"…But… I wasn't able to save them…They couldn't depend on me..."
Ida could barely choke the last few words out. Then, she reeled forward, shoulders slumped.
"Shit!" Levi shouted when he felt an unconscious Ida slip away from his arms. He fought to keep her upright as he looked to Oluo on the left for help. But Oluo appeared to be frazzled from the events that had transpired; he could hardly believe that Marie and Jason were dead.
Damn it. Levi clenched his jaw.
Before he could even conjure up his usual curses, Levi picked Ida up in his arms. Her head hung to the side, remaining completely lifeless.
He gave her a quick once over, searching for any signs of wounds. The Titan's blood should have evaporated by now. His eyes darkened when he saw a stream of blood trickling of her cuts, dribbling down to form a tiny pool of blood beneath her.
"Oluo!"
The man finally jolted. "Huh—shit! Is she still alive?!"
Levi checked to make sure she was still breathing. Ida was so incredibly immobile that one might mistake her for a dead person if it wasn't for her faint pulse. Levi sighed, relieved. "Alive, but she's badly injured, we need to leave."
"Shouldn't we… check for more survivors?" came Oluo's question.
He didn't reply immediately. He scoured the bloodied battlefield. His chest constricted when he spotted the half-eaten corpses of his comrades.
Dead. Every single one of them. Ida was the only survivor.
Adjusting the unconscious woman in his arms, Levi started for his horse. "No need. Let's go."
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
Petra sighed. "You think something happened to them?"
The legion had halted for a pit stop in order to discern their location. As the remains of Levi's squad waited for further instructions from the central command, the growing tension was palpable among them. Their departed Captain and Oluo had yet to return.
Eld raked his fingers through tied back blonde locks. "I don't think anything has happened to them, especially if Captain is with them. They'll be back soon."
Gunther sighed loudly in response. Though they knew that Levi was very capable in his own right, they couldn't help but worry. Titans were extremely unpredictable in nature and their Captain had suddenly left the formation without any reasonable explanation. Levi always had a strong respect for authority, structure, and discipline. Petra could count with one hand the number of times he acted on his own.
"I'm worried about Jason and the others," Petra said, sighing. "They'll all come back right?"
Eld gave her a reassuring smile. "I'm sure they will."
"Where's the rest of your squad? Did something happen?"
The squad got into a salute when Erwin came up to them, holding the documents recording the legion's death toll. His brows furrowed when he realized that Levi was not with them.
"Captain suddenly left the formation and Oluo followed him…" Petra said regrettably with a loud exhale. She hesitated before adding, "As for the rest..."
"Yes, I heard about the Titan appearance at the right flank," Erwin said calmly, as though he was in a meeting. "I have already sent members to look out for them."
Gunther frowned. "No one came back yet?"
Erwin grimaced at that question. Experience told him the obvious. He had brought the legion to a stop the moment he received the news that Titans had appeared in the right flank. Yet apart from the messenger scout, not one of soldiers stationed at the right flank had appeared. The pit in his stomach widened, but Erwin ignored it. Regret and grievances can come later, even if he was mourning the death of his own family member.
Suddenly, the noises of approaching horses caught his attention. He looked up from the scouts. His eyes expanded when he saw Levi and Oluo approaching from afar. "Levi!"
His subordinates rushed forward in relief. "Captain!"
But their relief disappeared as fast as it came when Levi's loud voice thundered through the legion. "Get the damn medic! It's an emergency!"
The quiet legion erupted with controlled chaos at his command. Erwin felt his stomach drop when he caught sight of the bloodied figure in Levi's grasp, supported into sitting astride in front of him. Ida's head lung lifelessly, and if it wasn't for Levi's support, she would've fallen off the horse.
"What happened?!" Erwin demanded as he charged forward.
He hurried to take the Ida from Levi's grasp and laid her on the ground carefully. Immediately, a medic came rushing to provide first aid.
Levi swung his legs off his horse in a swift singular motion. "The reckless brat fought a horde of Titans by herself."
"By herself?" Gunther parroted in disbelief.
Erwin furrowed his brows and looked back at the medic who was tending to Ida's wounds. "Is she alive?"
"It's bad," the medic said regrettably, expression dark when he saw the severity of Ida's injuries. "I'm surprised she's even alive after she lost this amount of blood. Broken ribs, a fracture on her leg, and suspected internal bleeding. She might not even make it back to the Walls."
"Save her, by all means." Levi hissed; his voice was full of suppressed frustration.
Erwin held his breath, watching as the medic started to tend to Ida's wounds. However, when Levi made a move to exit the scene, he abruptly halted him.
"Levi."
The Captain stopped, a scowl on his face. "What?"
"Thank you."
Levi acknowledged Erwin's gratitude with a mere nod to his head before stalking away.
He was doing this all for Erwin, Levi had argued when his conscience was demanding an answer for his uncharacteristic behavior back then. There was no doubt that he had an unbreakable loyalty to that man, he trusted Erwin.
Having acknowledged that Ida's death would be a devastating blow to his commander, Levi reasoned firmly that he was simply doing his duty in ensuring that she was alive. However, even with that said, when Levi found himself looking back, he couldn't help but admit that he did feel slightly intrigued by her.
She, who had survived this twisted world till now. Levi just had to wonder if those wings of hers would ever fall considering how many times it had already broken.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
"How is she?"
"She'll live," the doctor gave his report, buckling his briefcase together when he was done packing. "It's miraculous that there was no internal bleeding, but she'll make it. Though I'm unsure of how long it will take for her to recover — her injuries are rather serious."
"Understood," Erwin lowered his head slightly in gratitude. "Thank you."
After the doctor left, Erwin walked to the sickbed where Ida was asleep.
Hair the color of blood and emerald green eyes…
It was the undeniable proof that she belonged to the lineage of Starkes. There were no reasons for her to be in this state, Ida was a noble — illegitimate or not — it was her right to be safely tucked away in Wall Sina.
But fate had determined otherwise.
In silence, Erwin waited patiently for the emotions to come. He had expected that he would feel guilt upon seeing the deathly pallor of Ida's insipid appearance, but the overwhelming sorrow was nowhere to be found.
A wry smile crept on his lips. Perhaps after years of being in the Survey Corps had truly hardened his heart into something that was torn out of an emotionless monster's chest. Erwin tentatively reached out his hand to touch her, before he vetoed that idea and retracted his hand back.
Was it even appropriate of him to touch her? No, was it even appropriate for him to show he was concerned? Ida would surely find it disgusting, wouldn't she?
A knock caught his attention. He turned to see Levi was standing by the open door.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
"Your carriage is here," Levi gestured with his head to the hallway. "You'll be late for the meeting."
"I'll be down soon," Erwin replied, his tone calm as if they were in the middle of a briefing. "She'll live, apparently."
"Expected it," came his dull reply. He threaded into the room and closed the door behind him. "That shitty brat is a survivor. There's no way she'll go down so easily."
"She fended off a hoard of Titans by herself," Erwin murmured, his expression was one of superficial hardness. "Quite an achievement. Your foresight was right. She'll be an asset to the Survey Corps indeed. Her strength is immeasurable."
It was beyond him, but Levi felt slightly annoyed at his Commander's remarks about his own daughter. His biological daughter had barely made it out of there alive and if he didn't leave his position in the formation out to look for her, there was no way she would've survived.
Yet despite that, Erwin could only comment about her value as a soldier.
He would never admit it, but perhaps that was why Levi felt a twinge of pity for her. Ida's existence was wretched from the beginning. He didn't need to ask about her past to discern that it was a hellish experience. Her relentless hatred for the world and herself was enough of a testament of her misery.
"You must be thinking the worst of me."
Levi raised his brows, wondering what gave him away. "No, I expected it."
There was not an ounce of a lie in his words. He had known Erwin for years; such behavior was expected out of men who led frightened children to fight Titans. Levi understood. Erwin couldn't even feel guilty even if he wanted to, because if he did, then it was the start of his demise for a man such as himself.
But it was exactly because Erwin was this type of ambitious man that Levi had offered his unwavering loyalty towards him.
Erwin faced him, unperturbed. "Thank you for saving her. I know that you went out of your way to protect her."
"You mistook my intentions, Erwin," Levi remarked with a sharp edge. "That brat is under my jurisdiction; it's only fitting that I look after my subordinates."
A surreptitious smile graced Erwin's lips in knowing. "I see," he murmured. "And my condolences for the loss for the rest of your squad members."
"Mhm." Levi acknowledged his attempts of commiseration with a nod.
Nothing that he hadn't heard before. They were used to it, these deaths and losses, a devil's cycle of tragedy, but it wasn't to say it didn't hurt. It was a dull ache that was always there reminding him of his duty of inheriting the will of the fallen.
A tense silence floated in the atmosphere. Levi wondered what else he should say to him. That Ida would be fine, and he shouldn't worry? Bollocks. They had dehumanized themselves to a point that any further attempts of commiseration seemed uncouth. They were too far gone to even display their grief or worries.
After a few beats of silence, Erwin spoke, "I best get going then, I shouldn't let Darius Zackley wait for the reports of our expedition."
"Right," Levi quipped dully. He waved him off nonchalantly. "Try not to get the Survey Corps disbanded while you're at it."
Erwin smiled bitterly. "Will do."
After a rough pat on his shoulder, Erwin swept out of the room to fulfill the agendas of his schedule.
Levi sighed, moving his hand to adjust his cravat. The death counts of the recent expedition were massive, but thankfully the notebook that Hanji found at least provided them something to show.
Left alone in the infirmary, Levi had thought that he would leave after assessing the state of Ida, but he found himself unable to. As much as it frustrated and appalled him, he couldn't tear his eyes off her figure.
She's at it again… Levi groused. I've told her so many damned times not to do something foolish, and yet that brat keeps doing it on purpose.
"Captain, are you there?" Petra knocked on the door before she swung it open.
"What?"
"I've got the paperwork," she handed him a stack of papers. "Due to the unusually high death toll, there are quite a lot of death reports to draft..."
"Mhm," Levi scanned through the papers.
It was the type of paperwork he hated most. Matching soldiers to families so house visits may be made and belongings regretfully returned and then having to tell parents that their child died for nothing, that it was all in vain.
Just the thought of it alone churned his insides, making him even more keenly aware of the dull ache in his chest.
And to think that all those who survived don't have it any damned better...
"Are you okay?"
He looked up at her; certain that there was nothing evident on his emotionless face for her to pick up on. Sensing his confusion, Petra smiled, "I heard it from Commander Erwin on his way out. Looks like Ida would be fine, you shouldn't worry so much."
Levi couldn't stop an incredulous snort. He wasn't worried. It was just his duty to check up on his subordinates.
"I'm sure she would be thankful that you saved her."
"Thankful?" Levi scoffed, showing just how laughable he found that statement to be.
Ida was nothing more than a genuine shitty brat; selfish, arrogant, and thoroughly impetuous. Many times he had wondered why Ida treated him with such contempt and hostility. Levi had even started to suspect if she was intentionally disobeying him in order to make his life a miserable living hell.
Petra chuckled fretfully, shrugging. "Well, she can be rather rough around the edges… but I don't think she means it. After she apologized to me, she has gotten rather warm."
Levi squinted his eyes, perturbed. "She apologized?"
"Huh?"
He shook his head and folded his arms. "Nothing."
Someone like her, apologizing? Levi found it laughable. But Petra wasn't one to lie. Truth to be told, he had long realized there was a glaring difference between the way Ida regarded her squadmates and him.
But why?
He pondered over it, unsure if he would ever get the answers.
While he understood that his ways of training were harsh, he had thought that Ida would yield after enduring a few punishments for insubordination, but as time passed, it looked to be more likely that Ida genuinely hated him with a passion.
A squint furrowed his brows. It was such an odd sight to see her unconscious and injured — to see her face relaxed and not with the hideous grimace she always wore.
For a long time now ever since he enlisted into the Survey Corps, he had been told that he was a genius. Prodigy. The best soldier in the Survey Corps. He was used to understanding things easily, for every concept, theory, or battlefield strategy.
Which was why being around Ida Starke was a bit disconcerting, because he could never truly understand what she was thinking.
As he scanned his bored gaze over her figure, Ida's final words before she passed out lingered on the back of his mind, and it stuck to him annoyingly ever since it came: "…But… I wasn't able to save them…They couldn't depend on me..."
Fuck.
What the hell did she mean by that? It was nobody's fault that happened, it was a miracle that she even managed to get out of the precarious situation alive.
What was she to do? They were fighting Titans, there was no way anyone could predict anything, no matter how sharp of a foresight they had.
Survival was never a guarantee when fighting the Titans.
He placed the folder on the bedside table. "Have Jason and Marie's belongings been packed?"
"Yes," Petra nodded. "Ready to deliver to their families."
"Good."
He didn't need to look at Petra to know that her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. "Would you tell me when she wakes up? I want to thank her."
He stopped dead and looked at her, unable to fight the confusion off his face. "Why?"
"Well…" Petra mumbled, "the fact that she stayed behind and fought with them instead of running away… it's rather admirable, I just wanted to convey thanks on Marie and Jason's behalf."
Her innocent words were like icy shards in his heart. Levi clenched his teeth, suddenly recalling Ida on the battlefield; the lone soldier who carried on.
It was surprising, any normal scout would've burst out into relieved tears at the sight of someone coming to save them, but relief was far from the emotions Ida displayed. Instead, she looked so despaired — so full of barely extinguished fury and hatred.
As much as it pained him to admit it, he had wronged her. If Ida was anything that he made her out to be, she would've fled the scene when the Titans came to save herself, or she would maybe even let herself be devoured to end her wretched existence.
Instead, Ida fought valiantly to defend the rest of the formation.
Suddenly, Ida stirred on the bed, breaking Levi out of his thoughts. Her features scrunched up in a show of pain and a light layer of sweat gleamed on her forehead.
"She's waking up," Petra gasped. "Ida, can you hear me?"
At the sound of Petra's voice, Ida's eyes fluttered half-open. "Petra…"
Petra smiled, relief prominent in her voice, "Oh, thank God. I was so worried. How are you feeling?"
Instead of smiling back, Ida's only looked more pained. "I… I'm sorry… Jason and Marie… I…"
Her voice was soft and frayed, barely over a whisper and Levi hardly caught it. Petra shook her head, but before she could reply, Ida's eyes closed, and she drifted off back into a state of unconsciousness again. He realized she was somnolent, probably from the medication administered and the physical pain.
Petra sighed ruefully, appearing to have realized the same thing. "I should go, Eld still needs me. Do you need anything else, Captain?"
"Bring my tea here," Levi ordered, moving to the chair by the bedside. "I'll be staying here till the miserable brat wakes up, so deliver any additional reports here as well."
Genuine shock filtered across her face. "Huh?"
"Did I stutter?"
If Petra had found this behavior strange, she did not voice it out. Instead, she obediently left after a salute. It wasn't only Petra who found this behavior strange though, for Levi found himself questioning the intentions of his actions as well.
He began to flip through the paperwork, determined to work, but his mind was somewhere else. Even after pondering about it, Levi still could not arrive at the conclusion behind his decision to stay in the infirmary. And since striving to find the answer only left him feeling frustrated, he mentally forced himself to drop the subject altogether.
He released a maddening breath and leaned back on the chair, keenly aware that his attention was traveling back to the unconscious girl beside him.
The brat is such a pain in the damn ass, and she wouldn't even listen to me, Levi thought bitterly, a sharp irritable hiss escaping his lips. Tch. How long am I going to keep this up?
For those in the Survey Corps, there are only two paths a soldier can take in their career: they either die an early tragic death or live long enough to have every single inch of their humanity stripped from them.
Ida would either become another statistic in the death reports in hands, or become a veteran just like him; heartless, distant, and cruel. A living corpse that harbored no compassion, no emotions, filled with never-ending emptiness.
But… wasn't Ida exactly like that already?
A scowl slowly morphs on his lips as he rakes his hand through his hair, the locks falling back across his troubled gaze.
Fuck, this was maddening.
If Ida indeed valued human lives so highly as he had suspected her to, then there was no doubt that her soul would be ripped to shreds if she chooses to remain here. But then again, Ida was a survivor of the merciless world, and there was an unyielding determination inside her that Levi recognized. Though unrefined, her combat abilities would undoubtedly be a priceless addition to the Survey Corps.
The Underground City isn't as different as here, Starke.
He flipped through his report, sighing.
But if you can live through that shit hole, you can live through anything.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
Levi prided himself as a man of his words, despite how it might've seemed to outside eyes at times. But for the first time in this lifetime, Levi wished that he hadn't enforced such shitty high values on himself.
"Hurry up," Ida shouted indignantly over the noisy natural sounds of the streets, beckoning him to hurry. "You aren't the injured patient here you know!"
Levi released a maddening breath at her call. How the hell did he even end up in this mess? Regardless of his gripes, he quickened his pace, pushing through the crowd at Trost district main market. Madness, this was absolute madness.
Ida frowned when he reached her. She folded her arms. "You look as though someone is going to send you to the gallows."
He grinded his teeth, fighting back a scathing retort. "Shut up and just tell me what you want, I don't have all day."
She rolled her eyes. "Someone is pretty impatient for a sore loser."
Levi glared at her. She didn't falter under his glare but jutted her chin up, as if challenging for a smart comeback.
He scoffed. "And you're clearly suicidal, brat"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Levi trained her with an intense look. Was she just playing dumb or was she really an idiot?
"It means you're a god damn weirdo," he brushed past her, "three broken ribs, a fractured leg and just two damn hours after you finally wake up from your shitty vegetable state coma, out of all things you ask for, you fucking demand we go shopping?"
"Blame your own judgment," she shot back, hurrying ahead of him despite the small limp in her steps, "it's not my fault you lost the bet."
Levi grit his teeth in anger, unable to argue with that. Fuck him, and his stupid words. Why didn't he keep his mouth shut? He should've known better than to make a childish bet like that. It was ludicrous and he ought to leave right away, but he knew he had only himself to blame.
During one of their senseless arguments in the past, Ida had arrogantly declared that she would be able to hunt down at least five Titans on her first expedition in midst of her anger.
Of course, Levi wasn't one to stand for her arrogance, and he promptly shot the amateur's declaration down. He should've known better though, that Ida would surely argue back. She did, going as far to even challenge him with a wager on the line. If she had somehow managed to miraculously – to which Levi highly doubted – to take down five Titans, he would've to do anything she wanted.
He rubbed his face in annoyance, already feeling his patience fraying.
And what did Ida choose out of all things when she won the wager?
Shopping...
With everything coming out at his own expense.
Fucking bollocks.
He shook the thoughts away. Damn it, he had already come this far. He just needed to get it over and done with. The sooner he was done with this the better, the shitty stack of paperwork on his desk was still waiting for him.
Tucking his hands in his pocket, he followed her. Levi was vaguely aware of the curious stares on them from the civilians, but he ignored them. He had neither the time nor the patience to care. The girl in front of him didn't seem to mind either, instead, she seemed happier than usual even.
He lifted his brow at his observation, suddenly hit by a bout of suspicion. Happy? Her? Hold the fuck up. Where the hell was this moody brat bringing him anyway?
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Ida stopped in front of a building and folded her arms. She nodded to herself, looking almost dementedly satisfied.
"I think we're here," she said, moving her gaze to him.
"You think?" he spat sourly.
She shrugged. "I have lived in Sina and Maria all my life. I didn't have the luxury of exploring Rose. But from what I remembered, Petra and Oluo did say it was here. Looks like the right place too."
Levi groaned inaudibly. "Whatever, let's just—"
He cut himself off when he saw the sign board. What the actual fuck? He stopped dead in his tracks, and looked at her, unable to prevent his mouth hanging agape.
You've got to be shitting me...
Ida tilted her head slightly, appearing confused. But he caught it, that mischievous twinkle in her green eyes, it was subdued, but he was damned sure it was there, mocking him.
"You serious?" he asked finally. The shitty brat must be joking.
Was she serious? Surely, she couldn't be.
She said nothing but continued to stare at him with that same fiery, determined expression she always had. Then, Ida smirked and swept past him into the store. "Come on, let's go."
Fuck. She was.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
Ida pushed the door open. Instantly, she was comforted by the familiar sweet smells that rafted in the quaint little shop. Indeed, this was the right place. Petra had said this sweet shop was popular among the civilians and Ida could see why. The store was packed with housewives and children. A wide assortment of sweets decorated the wooden shelves.
Her lips twitched, and she fought hard to keep the smile off her face.
The Walls, how long had it been since she came to one? The last she remembered; it was years ago. Her mother was still alive then. Actually, how long had it been since she had something sweet? Sugar prices were astronomical since Wall Maria fell.
Her stomach flipped in excitement. She just about head deeper into the store when a strong arm gripped her bicep. "What are you, fucking five?" Levi hissed. "You did all that whining to visit a damned candy store?"
Surprised as she was that he followed her into the store, Ida only regarded him with a stoic expression. Truthfully, she had expected Levi wouldn't uphold his end of the bargain, but the miserable midget was a rather good sport.
"Do you have a problem, sir?" she asked, batting her eyelashes. "I thought you were the one who demanded that I hurry up to give you something to do?"
A nerve jumped in his jaw. Levi glared at her, his dark expression foretelling that of an imminent explosion, but he only released his grip on her. "Five minutes," he gritted out forcibly, "that's you get, anymore and the damned deal's off."
Hm, not bad, she thought, smirking, though he's a jerk, he is surprisingly honest.
She swatted him away. "Yeah, yeah, stop being so uptight, Captain."
"I mean it, Starke," Levi folded his arm, averting his eyes away. The resentment on the outlines of his scowl was profoundly clear. Clearly, he hated being here.
Not like she would care. Logically, it wasn't her fault that her Captain was so uptight about everything. Truth to be told, she had honestly forgotten about their little bet and she did feel a little guilty exploiting him after seeing how miserable he looked, but she reasoned she no one shouldn't feel bad if they had to sharpen over a hundred blades by themselves.
As Ida shuffled through the assortment of candies, she became increasingly aware of the stares they were getting. Levi wrinkled his nose, looking unbothered. Now that she thought about it, they stood out like a sore thumb with their uniforms.
Don't feel bad, Ida chanted, determined not to falter in her endeavor to exploit her Captain.
Wanting to distract herself, she attempted small talk. "Do you want anything?"
"I'm the one paying being forced to pay for this shit and you're asking me?" he seethed. She stared at him placatingly. Slowly, Levi grimaced and folded his arms. "I don't like sweet things."
She rolled her eyes. Oh, who would have thought, must have been the reason why he was so bitter all the time.
Her eyes snagged on the jar on one of the shelves. "Oh, peppermint!"
Elated as she was to have found it, suddenly Ida felt a heated stare piercing the side of her temples. She blinked and faced him. Why on earth was Levi looking at her so oddly?
"What?" she demanded, holding onto the jar protectively.
Levi rubbed his nose bridge, and then his temples, mumbling something incoherent underneath his breath.
"Who would've thought," he grumbled. He shook his head and looked around the store, "I'll be at the counter, don't you dare idle around."
She watched him go, stunned. What the hell was his problem?
Turning her back on him, Ida went back to picking out the sweets that she wanted, determined to remain unbothered by her miserable twig of a Captain.
"Hey, isn't that Captain Levi there? What's the Survey Corps doing here?"
Ida pursed her lips. Again. Everywhere she went with him, Levi always stole the limelight. The strongest, the perfect soldier, the pride of the Survey Corps.
Must be nice to be the strongest, she thought, annoyed. Yeah, if he was there…
Her fingers paused around a jar. Ida swallowed uneasily. Every muscle in her body froze. She could feel it bubbling at the back of her mind, slowly creeping through her body. Ida had tried to keep it at bay with her willpower – even going as far as to leave her sickbed – but even now, even when she was not confined to the infirmary any longer, it was futile.
The ambiance of the store, the bustling of the streets, or even the fresh air, nothing worked.
She could see it again: the gruesome imagery of her comrades being devoured alive while she watched helplessly.
If Levi was there… instead of me… would Jason and Marie be alive?
She grimaced, dismay prevailing over her. The realization that they probably would be alive if Levi had been there instead of her left her feeling profoundly shitter and hollower.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
Madness. This was madness and stupidity.
Levi slapped his hand to his forehead, attempting to calm down. Never had he felt so disempowered before. He leaned at the wall near the counter, feeling his patience slipping from him with every annoyed filled tap of his foot. His mood soured when he realized that everyone, housewife and brats alike, were stealing glances at him.
He knew it was a bad idea to travel while in the Survey Corp's outstanding uniform, but then again, he had never expected Ida to bring him to a place like this. Madness that woman was. What the actual hell had possessed her for her to come to a shitty place like this?
He sighed. What the hell was he doing with his life?
While he waited, he found himself studying at the newest member he had recruited into his squad. The brat didn't have a smile on her face, but he had seen how her eyes twinkled in excitement. Levi knew he stuck out like a sore thumb here, but weirdly enough Ida seemed to fit in.
In fact, though Ida was donning her uniform, she looked nothing like the skilled rookie she was, but more child-like and innocent now. He mused at what she would've been like if she didn't go through all the shit she went through.
He scoffed at his train of thoughts. Fuck. What was this? The pressure of work? The stink of sickening sweetness from the store? Or unbelievably, was he actually starting to feel something for this damned girl?
Ugh. Damn it.
Pulling his eyes away from her, Levi decided to browse the goods while he waited. There were trinkets on the store counter, souvenirs it seemed.
"Do you like it?"
He turned and saw a kind looking lady beside him. Judging by the name tag on her chest, Levi assumed she worked here. He appraised her with a grim face and looked away without saying anything.
"We have a special sale going on for these charm bracelets!" she smiled cheerfully. "They are really popular currently! I am sure your girlfriend over there would love it!"
It took nearly all his self-control to not choke at that ridiculous insinuation. "She's my subordinate."
The woman clasped her hand over her mouth in a polite chuckle. "Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that it's not every day we get to see the Survey Corps in a place like this. I merely assumed."
Uncomfortable, his hands reached up to adjust his cravat.
The lady smiled. Levi didn't know why but the way she was smiling irked him; almost as if she had discovered something. "Still," she gestured to the souvenirs, "I believe that in your line of work, a small gift for a subordinate would be good for morale."
Levi only scowled.
Shopkeepers and their load of bullshit.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
"I'm done, so pay up."
She slammed two large, heavy paper bags on the counter.
"All this?" Levi asked, incredulous at the amount she had purchased.
Ida crossed her arms and nodded. "Yeah."
He pushed his dark hair out of his face, appearing to wrap his head around the final amount. A dangerous hiss escaped him when he dug for his wallet. Ida smirked triumphantly, pleased that she was right in his assumptions.
The righteous Levi Ackerman would never go back on his words; no matter how disadvantageous it was for him. The uptight midget just wouldn't let himself do it.
When the shopkeeper told him the total price – which was probably two times his monthly salary – Levi glared at her, "You're going to pay for this one lady, you little brat."
Ida smirked deviously. "I sleep with one eye open, sir."
When they were done, Levi grabbed the bags a little too forcefully, eager to fuck off from the store. "Of all the troublesome brats to lose a bet to..."
"Captain Levi!"
They looked down. A kid had come up to him and was tugging on his pants. "Oh wow, it really is you! Did you come here to buy sweets too?"
"No," Levi snapped, edging away from the kid. He made a motion with his hands. "Go back to your parents."
Ida raised a brow, realizing that her Captain was on the brink of releasing his bottled-up frustration on the innocent kid.
She patted his head gently, aware of Levi's eyes on her. Damn it, why on earth was he staring at her like that?
Ida feigned a light smile. "Hey, we are a little busy now, where are you parents?"
"Mama went to find papa, she told me to wait here." The kid blinked and tilted his head, his brown eyes studying her. "Are you Ida Starke?"
She looked up to Levi for answers. How did the kid know her name?
The boy jumped up and down, bursting with excitement. "It's you! The female soldier who single-handedly took down an astonishing number of Titans on an expedition!"
Levi averted his eyes from her. "Tch."
Ida could feel the wandering eyes of the civilians looking at her as she conversed with the child, and they started murmuring amongst themselves.
She laughed fretfully. "Uhm, well…"
"Wow! I can't believe it! I heard you're the second strongest soldier!"
"What?" Ida was wide-eyed, stunned from the sudden title bestowed upon her.
Before she could even process what was happening, an impatient Levi grabbed her by the green cloak and dragged her out the store none too gently. "Oi, let's go."
Outside of the store, Ida shrugged his grasp off her roughly. "Hey! What was that all about?"
Levi scoffed, holding his scrutinizing stare for a while longer before he looked away. "Don't get so cocky just because of some new title that some bored yapping loud-mouth citizens created, you're just a stinking brat."
"What the hell are you talking about?" she demanded. How was she the only one who didn't know about this — especially when it concerned her?
Levi's lips twitched.
He shrugged lazily as if he'd rather not be conversing with someone like her. "Don't let it get to your high horse," he deadpanned. "Words spread fast about accomplishment beyond the Walls. The Survey Corps is always in the center of gossip."
Comprehension flooded her at his explanation.
Instead of feeling pride though, all Ida felt was a tidal wave of guilt and disgust.
"Tsk, what's there to be in awe about?" she said, unable to help herself. The guilt in her voice was profound; an uncontrollable emotion that escaped. "I couldn't even save them, what good does that make me?"
Levi considered her as she said this. Then, he frowned. "It makes you imperfect," he answered shortly.
Exactly, not perfect like you, Ida wanted to retort sullenly, but she managed to hold it back this time. Her pride wouldn't allow her to say it.
Ida inhaled sharply, already expecting him to say that. "I know."
They locked eyes, and she could suddenly feel his desperation for her to say something. He hesitated, but eventually, he did speak.
"It isn't as if anyone is fucking perfect," Levi said quite simply and calmly as they started walking down the streets. "People die all the damn time, so it's best if you get used to it."
But you're perfect, Ida retorted in her mind. She listened to her shrieking conscience to stay silent, but before she knew it, she opted for a question that has been in her mind ever since.
"…Don't you blame me?"
He stopped mid-walk and stared at her. His face was stoic as it always was, but she could sense his surprise regardless. She knew what he was thinking; it was the first time she had lowered herself in front of him. But Ida couldn't help it.
"Tch. What use is there in blaming people? No one could predict the outcome of anything."
As he said this, she detected something in his voice – something solemn and saddening. There was a pang of hurt in her chest, and it struck deep.
Ida glanced after him. Perhaps there was some caring bone in his body? Deep, deep beneath the layers of disdain and coldness he radiated.
Honestly, she had expected Levi to blame her somehow, perhaps even declare that he was disappointed in her; or that she was useless. But he never did.
She smirked wryly.
But Levi Ackerman is just like a rock — a sturdy rock that is immune to waves.
Be it the waves of despair, guilt or agony that hits him, Levi would simply just continue to be a rock — numb and emotionless, strong, unyielding and so utterly perfect.
However, at this moment in time, she wondered if there was any weakness in him. He had spent years in the Survey Corps. Surely, she had witnessed more deaths than she did. Was he so accustomed to death that he didn't feel anything anymore?
Her grip on her paper bag grew tighter. Marie and Jason were his direct subordinates, didn't he feel anything when he saw their brutalized corpses? It had just been two days since they came back from their expedition, the guilt was still fresh to her, but Levi acted as indifferent as always.
She wondered if there was any way she could ever be like him in the future — if she could ever be as strong, or as perfect.
"I just..." Her words faded away. She bit her lips, her contrition apparent. This indescribable feeling that plagued her chest, she just couldn't explain it.
There was another dull ache in her chest again. Ah really, what was she doing? Why was she even asking him if she blamed her? He probably did, there was no way someone as perfect could ever understand her.
He scowled when he realized that she wasn't going to finish. "I don't even know what people see in a brat like you. You're weak and stupid."
Ida glared at him. The sudden guilt and remorse disappeared, only to be replaced by anger. She didn't need to be reminded of how worthless she was – the voices in her head already did a pretty good job.
She opened her mouth, but Levi beat her to it.
"People are counting on you now," Levi said pointedly. "If you're going to just keep on brooding on your shitty past and your mistakes, then your skills are wasted on a person like you. Put it to good use, fight, learn, and just shut up."
"Fight?" Ida scoffed when she heard that. She couldn't hold it back anymore, the frustration, the questions; everything was driving her insane. "For what? People die all the time in expeditions, right? What the hell are we even fighting for?"
"Hope."
She stilled. Hope?
Their eyes met. Levi had said it as if it was the simplest thing in the world for him to say. She opened her mouth, but there were no words.
Finally, he tore his gray irises away. "The hope that one day, we could be free again. Hope that one day this war would fucking end."
Freedom. Ah, it was that again. That bullshit.
There was no freedom here in this hell. They could never win this war with Titans. Why didn't he see it? Why can't anyone see it? How many more people will have to die for freedom?
"Freedom isn't worth it," Ida spat, unable to stop the sharpness in her tone. "At first, I thought that it was. The only reason why I agreed to join this damn legion was because I wanted to see for myself if this 'freedom' everyone keeps harping on was worth it. It isn't."
Levi was in her face in a flash. He leaned in close to her, so close that she could see the anger in his gray irises; he looked as though he took offense to her argument.
"It isn't worth it?" he said simply and calmly, but there was no mistaking the danger in his voice. "It was — to the twenty-four soldiers who embarked on that very same damn expedition as you and didn't come back. It was worth it to them, and that's all that fucking matters. Then what is worth it to you, Starke? What drives you to fight?"
Ida merely looked away, unable to answer his question.
"Just like I thought," Levi hissed, satisfied with her silence. "You don't fight for anything at all."
"So, are you saying that we should continue sending out men after men beyond to Walls only to watch them get brutally slaughtered before our eyes?" she challenged, her fingers curling to tight balls. "That it's okay to do that?"
"I'm saying that whether we have hope, dreams, or a peaceful life within these fucking Walls, it would all be gone in an instant if those Titans get inside here. If you don't feel like fighting anymore, then just go back and hide in the shitty slums."
She scoffed softly, unable to find the words to counter that. Truth to God, she knew it. The people within the Walls were sitting ducks in a cage.
But still…
Still, still, still.
Ida was torn. But when Levi started to walk away, the tendrils of fears started to seep into her.
"Wait."
Levi arched his brow curiously and crossed his arms, waiting for her to explain herself.
"...I want to stay in the Survey Corps," she said, the most honest she had been in a long time. "As you said, those people died because freedom meant something to them. They died for their dreams. I want to inherit their will and dreams…" Her fingers curled into tight fists. "...This way, the sacrifice that mankind had made wouldn't be all for nothing, I can put a reason behind all the meaningless loss of lives."
"It's useless fighting for a cause you don't believe in," Levi countered sharply, uncrossing his arms. "And from what I see, you certainly don't believe mankind can ever obtain back their freedom."
Levi's observation of her was right on the nail. She was far too cynical to believe in such a noble dream.
"I don't," she admitted after a short contemplation. "But isn't hope a feeling of expectation and desire for something to happen? It doesn't mean that one can't hope, even for a useless cause. Believing and hoping is different."
Levi continued studying her. The Captain's face darkened, clearly less than amused. Hell, she knew that he would judge her; why did she even bring this up in the first place? She continued to stare at him back, unyielding in her resolve to falter now.
"Do as you wish," he finally said monotonously. "Just don't be a nuisance to others."
Much to her relief, Levi slid away from her and started walking towards the main street. She was still trying to process everything before she noticed something was wrong.
"Wait! Where are you going?" Ida cried after him, limping along as she tried to keep up with his quick pace. "That's not the way back to the headquarters."
Levi looked annoyed by her high screech. "What? Can't I do some shopping too? You're dismissed, go back to headquarters."
Wait. Shopping?
Seeing Levi shop for things?
Hah, that sounds like a good way to spread some unsightly rumors. Ida figured that since she'd be hanging around the legion for a while longer, she supposed she'd try to get along with him. In any case, he did keep his end of their bargain.
"I'm coming along!" she said, but when Levi gave her a questioning look, she clarified herself. "I don't want to go back so soon, Hanji is back there."
"Fine. Although I'll warn you, I'm not really a conversationalist."
"Really?" she rolled her eyes. "I hadn't noticed."
Levi ignored her sarcasm. "How's your leg?"
"Why?"
"The sun is setting; we need to hurry."
She raised her brow. Was he slowing down his pace all this while because he noticed she was limping? "I'm fine, let's just hurry then."
Ida followed him; her curiosity piqued. What was so important for Levi that he had to rush before the store closed? Didn't he say he had work to do? Intrigued by the answers, she was determined to keep up the pace despite the sharp jab in her leg.
Fortunately, the store wasn't too far from where they were.
"Wait," she said when she saw the store's sign board. She gaped at him. "You can't be serious."
Levi only cocked a brow and said nothing.
Fuck. He was serious.
She made a disgusted face, instantly regretting her decision to follow him. Even spending a day with Hanji seemed better than this. Karma had bit her in the ass. Sighing in defeat, she could only look sorrowfully at the cleaning supplies store in front of them.
Damn it, she really should've known.