Humanity's Strongest Woman

by xDollfie

In every empire, there is an epic era that defies the boundaries of time and immortalized itself in the history books. For mankind, an epic era they will never forget has finally emerged. The war between humanity and Titans has finally come to a head. Love cease to exist in a time like this, but they found it, and promised that it'll be worth it. Every stubborn inch of it [LEVIXOC]

10. Conflicted

A/N: Hi there! Back with another chapter, I'll be posting a little funny Specialchapter for all my readers after this as a thank you for supporting me!

Chapter revamped: 14 March 2020

---

Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie

Chapter 09 — Conflicted

---

The freshly enlisted recruits from the 104th trainee squad gathered around the field, holding onto their respective horses that their instructor and unit leader, Dita Ness had assigned for them specifically.

The middle-aged man turned, his pleasant face flashing into a bright smile while he continued with his explanation to the new recruits.

"These are your horses!" he announced proudly. "The Survey Corps' horses are known to be the prime best! Bred for speed, agility, and obedience."

Several meters from them, his horse was standing proud and he issued the signal to come over with a loud whistle to demonstrate his obedience. His stallion trotted over, neighing.

"Establish a bond with them now, but don't get too close to them," he advised, stroking his horse. "We don't need soldiers mourning the death of their horses."

The new recruits nodded their head dutifully at his warnings.

"For now, you can take a short break, your next instructor will be over shortly," Dita continued before his horse naughtily chewed on the white bandana that he wore around his head, revealing the bald spot that his horse had recently pulled out. "H — Hey!"

Not paying attention to their instructor's screams, Connie Springer stroked his chestnut mare, sighing loudly and shaking his head when a depressing thought entered his mind. "I still can't believe it, we're Survey Corps' soldiers."

Sasha contemplated his words for a few moments, but she shrugged it off casually. "At least they have delicious food here! It's much better than the training camps if you ask me!" she replied positively, already thinking of ways to steal some food later to curb her impressive appetite. "I can't wait for dinner!"

"What is done is done, we can't go back on our decisions now." Jean deadpanned, leading his horse towards the other end of the field to wait for her next instructor. "All we can do now is try not to get ourselves killed in the upcoming expedition."

"It's two days away now, isn't it?" Armin Arlert piped up, his blonde bob waving in the wind. Exhaling worriedly, he focused his attention on his classmate, wondering how he was faring — the death of Marco had been a huge blow to everyone, Jean especially. "Aren't you afraid Jean?"

The long face teenager snorted confidentially.

"Of course not," Jean dismissed his concerns, but Armin knew that he was secretly terrified of the idea of facing those monstrous Titans once again. They all were. It hadn't been that long since the battle of Trost and the horrifying memory was still very much palpable in their minds.

Jean snorted again, adding, "The Survey Corps has Eren now remember? We're pinning our hopes on that suicidal bastard, he better makes himself useful."

"Don't say that about Eren!" Mikasa Ackerman stepped forward, fiercely defensive about her adopted brother. Her words invoked a frown from Jean. The Asian had always been so openly biased towards Eren.

Armin instantly tugged on her sleeve to hold her back. "Mikasa, I'm sure Jean doesn't mean it that way."

Speaking of her beloved brother, Mikasa was instantly reminded of what happened at the court trial. "I wonder what he's doing now…" she mumbled sadly, and her eyes quickly morphed into hard disdain. "I'm going to kill that irksome midget the first chance I get!"

Armin pulled on Mikasa's sleeve harder, trying to calm her down. "H — Hey, don't do anything rash! We saw Eren when we came here remember? He's doing fine!" he reminded her quickly.

"But we haven't seen him since!" Mikasa retorted worriedly. "Are you not worried, Armin?"

Krista Lenz walked over with Ymir, looking as beautiful as a goddess with her kind smile. Despite the given wisdom from Dita, Krista couldn't help but stroke the nose of her horse, and already feeling the sentimental attachment to it.

"Hey guys, do you know which instructor will be taking us for training today?" she inquired politely, her golden hair swaying gently just above her shoulders.

"From the rumors, I heard it's a loony be-spectacled squad leader with an insane obsession with Titans," Connie answered after a stretch of silence. "I don't know her name, but I overheard my unit leader talking about it. Apparently, she's insane."

"Yeah. I heard all the veterans are freaks," Ymir commented snidely. "They'd dissect Titans and even us if it was needed. Don't think our loony instructor would be any different."

"Well, I think she's coming," Bertolt Hoover called out loud to catch his classmates' attention. He nudged his head towards the direction of the hooded figure on a white mare coming forward.

Armin sighed. "Let's get into our stations."

They lined up in a straight line with their horses beside them, arching their backs straight with every muscle poised at attention. Ymir glanced sideways at Krista, who continued to smile breezily as if she was going to a tea party. This facade would've fooled anyone else, but Ymir knew that Krista was just as nervous as everyone else.

The figure hopped off her horse with ease, not even sparing a glance at the new soldiers. The 104th training squad immediately saluted her, and she took off her hood, revealing tussles of messily braided hair.

Ida pursed her lips, finally scanning her disinterested eyes at the stiffened soldiers.

"That isn't the loony is it?" Sasha whispered to Connie who shook his head in response. That woman certainly wasn't Hanji Zoe and she certainly didn't look like she had a strange maniacal obsession with Titans.

Beside them, Jean's eyes widen, recognizing her from Trost district — so she's from the Survey Corps, huh? It didn't come as that big of a surprise to him though, he could've guessed she was from the legion, it was probably the reason she helped him back then.

Judging by the high death count of the Corps, Ida looked like she could empathize with his situation. The Garrison and Military Police hardly knew anything about Titans, nor do they experience death so often as the Survey Corps did.

"Well, if all the females look like her, I don't think I will regret joining the Corps." Reiner jested playfully and Bertolt bit back a laugh at his childhood friend's comments.

"At ease. I'm not a damn Captain or a Squad Leader or whatever, so there is no need to salute me," Ida deadpanned, paying no mind to protocol. Clear in her disinterest, she languidly analyzed the line of recruits. "So… you guys are the brats that so bravely enlisted after hearing Erwin's pathetic speech."

"Y — You!"

She whirled around to face the accusing voice. Blinking, Ida was slightly bewildered when she saw a short black-haired girl with a murderous look on her face storming towards her. A much shorter male blonde chased after her to calm her down.

"It's you! You're the other Captain in charge of Eren!" Mikasa wasted no time in bolting into an accusation. "What did that midget do to him?!"

"Mikasa calm down!" Armin tried to calm down his raging friend. He knew that whenever it comes to Eren, Mikasa was severely protective of him, almost to a point that she would do anything. "Please don't do anything rash!"

"Which midget are you talking about? Apparently, there are two people that have adopted the name in the legion," Ida grumbled back sarcastically, thinking back to how she had gotten that insulting nickname as well because of her partnership with Levi.

She wrinkled her nose, upset. She wasn't that short...

"Where is Eren?!" Mikasa screeched, holding onto her shoulders roughly. Incredulous whispers suddenly broke out across new recruits like wildfire.

Ida looked unfazed at the accusation. Even though she guessed that this girl was Eren's friend, she wasn't about to let her be so openly disrespectful to her. "Shut up and get back in line, you stinking brat."

Jean didn't like the tone of her voice, superior or not. "Hey! We are just curious about Eren—"

He stopped midway when he was greeted with a cold stare that was icy enough to have frozen the remaining words in his throat.

Was it just him, or was Ida completely different from when he first met her back at Trost? She looked much hardened now, more imposing, more unbreakable. The woman he met back then was empathetic and compassionate, clearly a victim of circumstances. It was almost as if they were two different people.

"Oh, it's you." Ida stopped her death glare and raised a brow, recognizing Jean. Her gaze softened when she walked up to him. "So, I take it that the Military Police is not for you?"

Turning away before Jean could reply, Ida made a mental note to kill Levi for this later. Why did she even have to look after a bunch of kids just because Hanji had something else to do? She had plans to do some self-training today seeing how close the expedition was, and she certainly did not expect to be stuck to being an instructor.

Stupid midget, she cursed inwardly.

"Armin! Mikasa!" Eren came running over, a bright beaming smile on his face. He was elated that Levi had permitted him to join his classmates for training today. "You guys!"

He paled when he spotted the familiar shade of red hair.

"A — Ah! Ida-san!" Eren greeted nervously when he saw her.

Incredulous whispers broke out among the new recruits upon hearing their instructor's name.

Jean's eyes went wide in disbelief. "W — Wait… This is...?"

This woman was the second strongest soldier in the Survey Corps? Ida was nothing like Jean had imagined her to be! Where were the bulging muscles? Her male figure? The boyish haircut? Where was the tomboyish woman that all the trainees had imagined?

In all, Ida looked too delicate to hold such a prestigious title.

"Eren!" Mikasa shouted in great relief, sprinting towards him. She grabbed his shoulders and gave him a once over to assess his mental and physical state. "Did they do anything bad with you? Did they torture you and did wacky examinations on you that caused any mental stress?"

"N — No!" Eren stuttered, blushing wildly at Mikasa frantic concern for him. He appreciated her concerns, but sometimes he felt that she was treating him like a child. "I've been treated very well actually."

Mikasa's gaze hardened, doubting Eren's words. "That irksome shortie was acting so high and mighty during the hearing, I'm going to make that midget pay for what he did."

"A — Ah… you're not talking about Captain Levi, are you?" Eren stammered, surreptitiously eyeing at Ida from the corner of his eyes, wondering if she heard what Mikasa said.

Unfortunately for him, Ida had caught his gaze. But she only shrugged idly and started walking back to her horse. "Be my guest, you can torture that bastard all you want." She clapped her hands to gain the new recruits' attention. "Let's get on with training, we're losing precious daylight!"

At her orders, the recruits hastily went back into line.

"The first thing you kids will need is some god damn discipline, and I'd enforce it strictly. that means, no slacking off and keep the noise level down, understood?" Ida instructed sternly, earning a round of nods from the recruits.

The rest of the 104th trainee squad smiled, elated that they would be training under one of the top soldiers today, but unbeknownst to them, Eren was silently dreading. He was the only one who knew what training under Ida was like and frankly, she was the last person he wanted to see here.

Eren turned ghastly white when he thought back to his previous training sessions with her. If there were two people in the world that he would never want to be his instructor, it was Levi and Ida. They had a maniacal and slightly sadistic habit of pushing people to their extreme limits. The last time Eren had trained under them, he had the worst muscle ache in his life and couldn't even move for half a day without wincing in agony.

Not to mention he got brutally beaten up without mercy whenever they sparred.

Taking out a packet of sweets from her pocket. Ida began her usual routine on munching on sweets before any training, earning a puzzled look from the recruits. She frowned when she felt their curious stares on her.

"What? You have never seen someone eat sweets before?" Her cheeks were stuffed with candy. "Try it, it gives you a sugar rush and your movements are speedier," she added confidentially, in hopes that the newbies would take her advice.

The trainees exchanged looks with each other as if to say 'Yup, the Survey Corps are full of oddballs.'

"Sweets!" Sasha's outburst was followed by a momentary stunned silence as her classmates watched her charge towards the astonished redhead, her hands outstretched, and her wide eyes pinned on the sweets.

Unfortunately, Sasha got to Ida before Connie could stop her.

The redhead yelped when Sasha charged towards her at full speed and tackled her down.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Levi watched the scene from his office window, watching Ida holler out orders and whip the recruits into shape. He snorted softly in amusement, knowing that she was taking out her frustrations on the new recruits because she was unhappy that she had been assigned to tutor them.

He knew she had plans to head out to the woods to train with Petra, but due to his sudden orders, Ida was stuck to training some brats and was forced to drop her plans for the day.

He smirked, obviously entertained in the scene happening below him. Though he was relatively tolerant of Ida's rude behavior, it wasn't as though he didn't enjoy watching her gripe under his orders and putting her in place.

Levi frowned when he felt the burning gaze of a certain gleaming-eyed squad leader. "Spit it out Hanji, what do you want to say?"

"Hmm, just wondering why you told me to take the day off and trade schedules with Ida," Hanji said evasively with an amused smile. "It's not every day the famous Captain Levi would ask me for a favor, you know?"

Levi scowled at the thought of being indebted to the Titan loving fool. "Shut up, I'll help you catch a Titan next time to make it up to you."

"But that isn't what I want to know," Hanji admitted and suddenly closed the gap between them as an ear-splitting grin broke across her face. "Say... what's the real reason you wanted Ida to teach the classes today? She looked awfully happy that her leg was finally healed. She was looking forward to training with Petra today you know."

"Tch." Levi scoffed at that question, edging away from her. "That damn brat is doing it as punishment."

"Going as far as asking me to lie that to her that I had to settle some urgent matters with Erwin and couldn't make it to class today?" Hanji did not look a tad bit convinced and she continued to eye on him dubiously. "An awful lot of hard work you're putting into punishing her, don't you think?"

"I did not ask for your damned analysis, shitty four eyes." Levi averted the topic sharply, picking up his quill and going through some paperwork.

Hanji smiled wryly at his response, scooting closer towards him. "You know, perhaps you want to be a little more obvious with your affections," she suggested smugly, knowing that it would provoke a response. "Ida might take it the wrong way."

At her obvious insinuations, Levi dropped his quill, looking up to glare menacingly at the squad leader. "What are you trying to imply?"

"You're worried about her injuries, aren't you?" Hanji said, nodding to herself like she was right. "You thought she needed to rest more for the upcoming expedition and since you didn't want to openly show your concerns being the stubborn brute you are, you figured that training the new recruits would be less strenuous than going into the woods with Petra to do some intense advanced training."

Hanji ended her smart conclusion with a snap of her fingers, confident that she had hit right on the nail. Levi exercised a jaw muscle, uncomfortable that he was seen through, but he wasn't about to show her that she was right.

"Are you done spouting nonsense, or do you just like to come up with ridiculous assumptions?" Levi scowled, secretly wondering if he had been too obvious with his actions. "Idiot."

She gave him an expression that said she meant nothing by it. "Hey, I'm just saying, there's no harm trying to show a little more obvious concern for your partner."

Levi exhaled tiredly, knowing that he couldn't avoid the topic any further. "So what? As a Captain, it's my job to care for the troublesome brats beneath me, not much of a big deal."

Hanji snickered at his futile attempt to hide his frown, and she leaned forward, ignoring the threatening glare from the shorter man that was obviously disgusted by their close proximity.

"If you say so…" she hummed, not sounding the least bit convinced. "Just letting you know, I'm always here if you need some advice about women!"

"I will take that into consideration if I ever want to listen to advice from a psychotic maniac like you."

With a hearty laugh, Hanji walked towards the door. "Have a great time trying to get her to sleep with you!"

Hanji had already bolted out of the door by the time Levi stood up fuming, already predicting his supposed reaction. Her boisterous laughter could be heard filtering through the closed doors as she happily skipped away to safety.

Groaning, Levi allowed one last lingering glance at the window, cursing that stupid four eyes underneath his breath — he would find some way to make her pay for this later.

He busied himself with more paperwork, paying no interest in what had just happened. At that moment, with his squad moving back from the hideout to the main headquarters and the expedition date drawing closer, Levi had more distressing things to think about.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"Hey, Commander Erwin is looking for you in his office," Nanaba said, stopping Ida in her in the hallways.

Ida stared at her, confused. She had wanted to go wash up after a rather unamusing day training the new recruits, so she wasn't particularly pleased with that report.

"What for?" she inquired smoothly.

"No idea," Nanaba shrugged. "It's urgent though, you might want to go over now."

Ida frowned, nodding once to acknowledge her report, and Nanaba wandered off after Mike. She wondered why Erwin was even looking for her. For obvious reasons, she wasn't looking forward to seeing her father.

Over the past year, the father-daughter relationship had only advanced to a point where Ida wouldn't bolt out of the door the moment she saw him. They weren't in any way close, and even though Ida decided she didn't mind conversing with him (it was inevitable after all, seeing he was her Commander), she would very much prefer to keep it at the bare minimum.

This was also one of the reasons why she declined the promotion of being a Captain of her own squad. It would mean that she would have to see more of Erwin's face at meetings. While being in Levi's squad had its disadvantages — seeing how crass and stubborn her Captain is — at least she wouldn't have that big of a responsibility and Ida would like to keep it that way for now.

She walked deeper into the headquarters, nodding her head and greeting everyone who greeted her before heading towards stairs to the second floor. She stopped outside the grand oak doors of the Commander's office.

Reaching her hand out, Ida wanted to knock to inform her arrival, but Levi's distinctive low voice halted her movements. "You're making a damn mistake. Ida should be excluded from this mission. She won't take it well."

Mission? Her eyes shot wide. Why wasn't she told of anything like that?

Intrigued and curious, Ida found herself pressing her ear against the door, shamelessly eavesdropping.

She heard Erwin sighed deeply before replying, "It seems you know my daughter better than I do, Levi. But we're going to need all the manpower we have, and Ida's skills are an advantage — an advantage that we certainly cannot afford to lose."

"Tch. I admit that brat is a relatively great soldier, but she is not fit for a fucking task like this. She puts her emotions before anything else. She will be a damn burden instead." Levi's acid sarcasm could be heard filtering through the door. "After every expedition, she gets depressed over the deaths of our subordinates. It affects her, Erwin."

"That's your job to convince her, is it not?" Erwin shot back sharply, standing his ground and not yielding. "She has to learn sooner or later; you can't keep protecting her."

Ida could imagine Levi frowning when he replied in his usual deadpan voice that held a hint of impertinence. "You're fucking crazy if you think that's going to work. That brat is as stubborn as a mule. She just isn't ready for something like this."

"Ready for what?" Ida swung the door open, growing increasingly anxious at their secret topic that she knew absolutely nothing about.

If it involves her, she wanted to know.

"What are you guys talking about?" she demanded rigidly, studying the pair.

Levi looked extremely upset — more upset than she has ever seen him. His brows were contorted into a condescending manner. Erwin, on the other hand, looked as composed as ever, not even flinching under her scrutinizing gaze.

"Speaking of the devil…" Levi grumbled dourly, before sticking himself to the wall. He hurled a death glare towards Erwin who was seated calmly behind his desk. "You wanted to tell her regardless of my warning, right? There is she. Knock yourself out and see what fucking happens."

The blatant challenge in Levi's tone made Ida uneasy and she stared at the impassive Commander with caution in her green eyes.

"Ida," Erwin greeted, earning a scowl from his daughter at his even voice. "I've something of the utmost importance to discuss with you, and it requires confidentiality."

Confidentiality? Now, this had Ida intrigued.

"I know, I heard everything from outside," Ida crossed her arms, feeling her stomach knotting in various directions. She didn't like the tone of Erwin's voice. Somehow, she felt like she wasn't going to be pleased with what he was about to say.

A tense silence filled with trepidation followed through before she broke it again.

"So… what do you want to say?" she asked, both wary and curious at the same time.

Erwin tapped his finger on his desk as if he was contemplating on starting, and just when Ida was starting to grow annoyed with his hesitance, he finally pried his lips open to speak.

"Because of the revelation of Eren's existence, it has confirmed the possibilities that Titans can be controlled artificially," he began slowly as if to test the waters. When he saw that Ida had no change in her stoic expression, he continued. "Hence, we can safely assume that they might be among us."

"So, you're saying there is a spy?" Ida echoed for clarification in a monotone, her face contorting at that thought. "That a spy for the Titans is among us?"

"Yes, a spy for the Titans." Erwin nodded, noting how perceptive she was.

So far so good, Ida seemed to be taking this pretty well, but Erwin knew that the hardest part was yet to come. "Based on our given data coming from Hanji's analysis on Eren, we've to assume Colossal and Armored Titans that broke down the Wall Maria are the same type as Eren — they are Titan Shifters."

"You're saying that those very Titan Shifters that seek to destroy Wall Rose reside inside the walls in their human form..." Ida deduced quickly, pursing her lips at that horrifying thought. It made sense.

Dread started to percolate in her stomach and her heart felt heavier, but she kept her expression stoic and her voice even. "...That would explain the massacre of that idiotic four eyes' precious Sonny and Bean… It would be disadvantageous to them if we gathered more information on the Titans."

"That is correct." Erwin was pleasantly surprised by her quick intuition. "And we have reason to believe that what they're currently after is Eren Yeager."

Ida arched a brow. She was certainly not expecting that. As usual, no one could catch up with Erwin's quick thinking. "Why?"

"During invasion on Wall Rose, the Colossal and Armored Titan dropped their goals of demolishing Wall Rose and suddenly disappeared. Even after we managed to plug the breach, they left us be."

She pondered over it for a moment and gasped when the realization hit her like an oncoming Titan. Ida stared at Erwin in shock, not sure if she was right about what she thought he was insinuating.

"…You are saying… that during the attack, something happened that is of greater importance to them…" Ida started and when Erwin made no move to correct her, she bit on her lower lip, clenching her fist as her voice deepened. "And the only thing that went out of order was Eren turning into a Titan…"

Dropping her gaze, her fingernails dug into her palm's flesh. She didn't like where this was heading. "And among those who had been there at the time… They are all suspects for a spy?"

"Heh, you're not as stupid you look." Levi snorted, crossing his arms. "Oi Erwin, tell her about the mission then."

It was beyond her, but she felt tension immediately settle on her shoulders. Ida held her breath, anxiously anticipating what was coming next. What could be worse than knowing that there were spies within the Walls?

Erwin exhaled loudly, interlocking his fingers together on his desk. "We've plans to capture the Titan Shifter using Eren Yeager as bait during the upcoming expedition," he stated quickly, wanting to get it over and done with. "If they are truly after Eren Yeager, then I'm confident they will appear."

"What?!" Ida took a step back, finding it hard to maintain her balance, but she recovered quickly as a plethora of anxiousness came flying at her. "Then why brief us about it only now?! This information is crucial for the survivability of the soldiers! The expedition is two days away!"

"Because we are not going to. Only a selected few who've been deemed trustable know about the real plan behind the expedition. Anyone who was not in the legion before the fall of Wall Maria would not be partaking in this mission, which is why I say you must exercise strict confidentiality on this matter," Erwin said, only allowing his voice to waver a little.

Ida became paralyzed as her mind sped up to digest the implications. Meanwhile, Erwin merely gestured to the silent man by the side. "Levi will brief you on the rest of the mission."

Erwin's indifference snapped her out of her paralyzed state. Ida was not going to settle for just that vague explanation. "Why?!"

The Commander appraised her with firm eyes, hoping that she'd see just how serious he was, but he made no moves to reply to her.

Ida grit her teeth when she saw that look and fought to state her point. "When we're up against Titans there's always information deficiency! If the soldiers knew that we're up against an intelligent Titan Shifter beforehand, their approach would be different! This could mean life and death for—"

She halted abruptly mid-sentence when a shocking thought struck her. She locked her gaze with Erwin's and her eyes widened significantly in horror when his very silence confirmed the very dreadful thought swarming in her mind.

No…

It can't be.

There's no way.

"Y — You can't be thinking of just letting them die…?"

It was a question that Ida wanted Erwin to instantly deny, but she was only greeted with nothing but tense silence as the two men looked at her with firm unyielding eyes. She could tell that Levi was anticipating her reaction as she slowly soaked up the news with dismay.

At this point, Ida felt her heart drop to the endless pit of her stomach.

Her appalled emotions quickly turned into a rage when she lunged forward and grabbed Erwin angrily by the collar, pulling him across the desk where he was casually seated behind.

"These are our subordinates, Erwin! They risk everything going out to the outer lands for expeditions! These people have families, loved ones, people that are fucking waiting for them in the Walls! Are you fucking kidding me?! Even if there's no way of knowing who's the spy, you can't just fucking throw lives away like that! They deserve to know! It's their right after all that they've sacrificed for mankind!"

"And?" Erwin did not falter under her iron hold, his strong blue eyes meeting into hers with an aggravating calm that astounded her. "I know what the results would be like, but what choice do we have? Our foremost priority is capturing those that threaten to artificially destroy the Walls. If we succeed in this, we can obtain their plans and act accordingly. The lives of one hundred subordinates or the entire extinction of humanity, we have to make a choice!"

"There has got to be another way!" Ida argued back defiantly, not caring if she had breached serious protocol.

Erwin's calm demeanor only served to vex her further. How can he just talk so nonchalantly about something like this? Her anger flared to unseen heights and she trembled.

"If we start sending out our men like they are cattle unknowingly going to the slaughterhouse, then I'd rather give up on mankind itself!"

"We can hide within these Walls, but for how long? Even if we have noble dreams, safety, and security here, how long will it last?!" Erwin argued, his voice rising. "You've seen it yourself what would happen if the Titans breach the Walls! I can't risk that!"

"You fucking inhuman filth!" Ida shoved him away violently, aghast by his cruelty. Her hard, disdainful eyes met and held Erwin's one without flinching. "You're fucking insane, Erwin! No! I will not accept this! I will not!"

"It is a direct order from your Commander, Ida Starke," Erwin commanded with steel threading behind his voice.

Scoffing in disbelief, she turned towards her apathetic partner leaning on the wall. He was watching the scene unfolding with a dark expression. "And what about you? Are you going along with this ridiculous plan as well, Levi?"

Her Captain averted his gaze away and her eyes blazed with both resignation and anger at his silence.

She uttered a small laugh of mingled disdain and irony. Ida stormed towards the exit. "You're fucking insane, all of you! Our men are humans too, they deserve to know!"

A loud bang reverberated through the office when Ida slammed the door behind her. For a moment, no one made a move, the tension still palpable in the air.

Levi emitted a heavy sigh, darting an annoyed glance towards his Commander. "I warned you, didn't I?"

Erwin adjusted his collar calmly and sat back down on his seat. "She will get over it, she has to understand…" He raised his chin, staring at Levi. "…people who don't become monsters can't hope to defeat monsters."

There was a growing discomfort in Levi's chest upon hearing his Erwin's words, but he didn't show any sign of it in his expression. Strange, why was he so frustrated? He should've been accustomed to this lifestyle now. His lips twitched slightly when he saw that Erwin had carried on with his day's work of scanning through reports as if the argument had never happened.

A small scoff escaped him when he made his departure out of the office.

Erwin Smith's cruelty had no limits.

But then again, Levi quickly argued that they were one and the same.

If Erwin was a disgusting inhuman filth as Ida had declared him as then so was he.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"This is pure shit," Ida muttered out loud into the still darkness that had become her only friend for the past hour.

A typhoon of anxiety and anxiousness rushed over her when she rolled to the other side of the bed. She gripped on the white sheets beneath her. Ida was restless. Try as she might, she couldn't just sleep it off.

The evening moonlight beamed down on her and she stared unblinkingly out her window by her bedside, noticing that the barren trees that had lost their youthfulness and color.

Ida was still trying to piece together the fragments of the ridiculous puzzle of all that had happened. She tried to understand how it was possible. But try she might, she could not. Ida simply couldn't understand what Erwin was thinking, nor could she comprehend how he could possibly sacrifice their subordinates, even if meant saving all of humanity.

Didn't they sit together during meals? Weren't they reliable comrades? Didn't they appreciate each other company in times of sorrows? The bonds they formed as veterans who faced the Titans many times, the trust they all shared was deep. Every soldier had been through thick and thin together and Ida couldn't possibly understand how Erwin could find it in his heart to do this to them — to justify it within his soul.

She doubted that she would've even been informed of the 'secret' mission if it wasn't for her blood ties with Erwin, and this very conclusion she formed only served to bring forth another wave of guilt.

Sickening, a voice in her head cursed.

Closing her eyes, she unwillingly recalled the incident on her first expedition.

The horrifying incident that robbed Marie and Jason lives. The horrifying incident that happened because of her and her selfishness.

Ida Starke knew what it would mean if the Titans were to breach humanity's defensive walls once again. She could remember the consequences all too well — the relentless screams, the insignificant dead as they dangled by the mouth of the Titans, the garbled noises, her mother's final and heart-warming smile.

Agony shot through her skull as she contemplated more, as she remembered more.

Ida was struck by long-forgotten images of her neighbors that were kind to her even if she was an illegitimate child. The kind fishmonger that would always give her an extra fish or two whenever she visited her store, the warm bookkeeper that lived by the end of the street that would always take the time to tell her stories of the history of Walls, and even the smiling florist who would greet her whenever she walked by her shop.

But she could also remember how she trampled over their disfigured corpses as she sprinted selfishly towards the boats for refuge. Her mind blank, stomach curdling, and her heart pounding against her rib cage.

She squeezed her eyes tighter and forced herself to remember the massive walls that stretched for miles, as far as the eye could see. The immense walls that stood strong for a hundred years and yet was so easily penetrated with just one powerful kick.

And with that blow, every trace of her happiness came thrashing down with those gates. Ida forced herself to remember her standing alone in the decimated city while she looked upon a gathering of monsters indulging in their sick banquet of humans. She suffocated when she remembered a grotesque Titan that just stood there, its big glass eyes seemingly watching her in a city of phantom screams.

The screams were so loud that it rivaled the cannon fire from the garrison.

Those bright warm eyes of her mother and friends who had loved and accepted her despite her heritage, Ida had watched helplessly as each and every one of the people she had cared about was slaughtered before her, the light of life in their lovely warm eyes dying out and turning soulless.

Will those warm kind eyes of her comrades turn soulless and dull as well?

At that dreadful thought, Ida sat up abruptly in the darkness like someone had punched her in her stomach. She could feel her lungs squeezing unrelentingly as if trying to pressure her to suck in more air.

Petra.

Gunther.

Oluo.

Even Eld…

They hadn't joined the legion when Wall Maria fell, right…?

She chewed on her lower lip and huddled her legs to her chest. No… What if they didn't know? What if… they died because of it? Will she be just as helpless as she was in the past...?

But this time around was different from the time at the Shiganshina wasn't it?

Ida didn't have to watch her comrades die a fruitless agonizing death; she had the power to prevent it — she wasn't that helpless anymore. She could protect them. They didn't have to die.

Not her squad. She just wanted to save her squad. Please, just spare them.

Just the spare the people that she had grown to care about.

Kicking off the covers and firm in her resolution, Ida stumbled as she jolted off the bed, her hands sweaty and trembling when she reached out for the doorknob. Her heart thumped relentlessly when she swung her wooden doors open with much force and sprinted out.

"Ah!"

Ida stumbled back upon hitting something. Her erratic heartbeat stopped for a moment as she assessed the unwelcome visitor by her door with steely eyes.

"What the hell are you doing here, Levi?" Ida spat after recovering from her initial shock, not hiding her distaste for his unwelcome visit.

Levi arched a thin brow, dressed in a white long sleeve top that hugged his body tightly. He held the iron-courting candle up as if to see her face better — there were dark bags underneath her eyes, and her blazing scarlet hair was untidy and unkempt.

Her frown deepened when he didn't reply to her. "This isn't your room anymore. We moved back to the headquarters for the expedition, so what the hell are you doing here?" she demanded wanting to know why he was standing outside her door like a stalker.

But when Levi finally spoke, Ida was never more unprepared for the confrontation between them.

"Where do you think you're going, Starke?" His voice was stern and dire, and she froze at his tone. Levi never talked to her in that tone before, not even when she accidentally kicked him into a mud pool once.

It was a tone that held so much contempt, that she was momentarily thrown.

Shocked at how he was treating her, Ida felt her snarky retorts die on the base of her tongue. Her breathing hitched when she captured his gaze.

At her silence, Levi's glare hardened. "Your direct superior is asking you, Ida Starke, where the fuck do you think you are going?"

Comprehension flooded her and she averted her gaze away with guilt, holding onto her arm nervously.

Shit.

She knew exactly why Levi was here — he had already predicted what she was going to do.

She should've expected it. Levi was always one step ahead of her. If she was reckless and unimaginative, Levi was precise and calculating. The latter was more of a strategist, thinking four or even five steps ahead, while Ida had always reacted faster and made decisions impetuously. Admittedly, it even puzzled her how they always seem to work well together on the battlefield.

Charging inside and knocking Ida by the shoulder, Levi closed the door behind him and placed the lighted candle on top of the dresser before addressing the silent redhead once more.

"What do you think you are doing?" he demanded insistently again, determined to provoke an answer from her.

Shock and fear entwisted each cell of her body, but Ida didn't show her weakness to Levi — she would not demonstrate her vulnerability and weakness to the world.

"Get out of my room. I can go wherever I want."

Ida had managed to keep her composure with much effort. She wasn't going to tremble underneath his scrutinizing gaze — not when she did nothing wrong.

With his back still turned on her, Levi inquired in a deadpan. "What do you think about the mission?"

She stood paralyzed at his sudden question and she contemplated lying to him, but she didn't. There was no point. Ida knew that Levi could read through her easily.

"I… can't do something like that. I can't throw away my humanity and sacrifice my comrades like that…" she admitted honestly, starting weak but ending strong. "What we are doing... It's wrong. It's wrong, Levi."

"So, to be exact, you don't want to partake in this mission," Levi concluded listlessly. He turned around to face her, his eyes narrowing on her figure.

"I want to…" Ida's words were just above a whisper. "...But not like this."

"Understood," Levi growled, his expression indescribable. "Then quit the Survey Corps and run away, but…"

Suddenly, Levi stormed towards her, and in one quick fluid motion, before Ida had the time to react, he pushed her towards the wall, pinning her with his arm on her neck and putting his face closer to her.

"Don't you dare spoil our plans that we worked so fucking hard to achieve! You think by leaking the plan to everyone, they would be safe? That at least they wouldn't be that many casualties?!" The spiteful words spilled through his gritted teeth — strong, acidic, and heart stabbing. "Just what the hell are you planning to achieve with a plan as stupid as that?!"

Ida knew that Levi had tendencies to express his frustrations and explain his feelings through violence and insults — this wasn't any different from when Levi would reprimand the soldiers or Hanji when she annoys him — but what Ida found hard to understand was that he was establishing this treatment to her as well, something he hadn't done in a long, long time.

"W — What the hell do you think you're doing, let me go," Ida said, trying to stop the shaking in her voice.

She felt his arm relax for a second but then Levi pinned her even tighter as if to challenge her. His steely voice, like his hold, was a force to be reckoned with.

"I will not have you destroying the entire plan and risk the entire damn population of humanity just for the petty sake of satisfying your emotions you can't even control." Levi scowled, looking so livid that Ida felt her heart stop for a split second — he truly looked intimidating. "So, you want to prance your ass around the damn legion, telling everyone about the real mission behind the expedition? What the hell did you expect is going to happen?!"

Ida's eyes flashed in vivid defiance. "I expect that my comrades wouldn't have to sacrifice themselves for a cause that they don't even know about! They could be more prepared! They could fight! They wouldn't have to be damn chess pieces on a board game!"

Her outburst took Levi by surprise and he released his hold on her, settling for glaring her down instead. Upon his release, Ida rubbed her neck, returning him the same hateful glare he was imparting on her.

"Just because you're skilled and have quickly risen to the top over the past year doesn't make you as mature and ready as you think you are. In all else, you're nothing but a shitty amateur," Levi sneered, unflinching under her steely glare. "Let me enlighten you then since you clearly did not think this through. You'd cause a panic attack among our soldiers, especially when they're feeling anxious for the upcoming expedition as it is. Some way, somehow should the information leak and the damn spies learns about it, what do you think they'd do?"

When she didn't reply, Levi took it as leave to continue. "They would transform within the Walls, perhaps they'd even knock their pissin' way down all through Wall Rose and to Wall Sina. What then? How many families do you think you can save? How many people can you protect? Did you even use your hollow brain to think about that for a fucking moment?"

Ida clenched her jaw, the harsh reality slapping her hard when she contemplated over Levi's reasoning. His words were like acid blistering on her skin. She remained silent, allowing the infuriated Captain to continue with his rant.

She allowed the ever-so perfect man to berate her and remind her of how deplorable she was.

"Go ahead and open your mouth to save those few subordinates of ours." Levi etched his face closer to her and Ida's fist tightened warily when he continued in a show of challenge. "But are you prepared for the consequences? What if there's really was a spy in our legion? Are you prepared to shoulder the responsibility if the Walls were to fall because of this? What do you plan to gain by being an indecisive rascal?"

When she didn't reply again, Levi scoffed in a derisive manner. "Brats act before thinking of consequences, that's why they are called brats," he spat. "I had expected better of you."

A new tide of pain like a sharp dagger, transfixed in her heart.

Levi was looking at her with such disappointment that it had her throat closing up.

She trembled. Ida was so angry. Frustrated at Levi for speaking to her in such a way, angry at herself for her recklessness, but most importantly, angry at the unforgiving world for forcing such a choice upon them.

She was effectively cursing the cruel world.

So, it will always be like this, Ida thought wryly, her fist clenching even tighter. Even if I'm stronger, I still can't save anyone.

A long stretch of silence passed between them and Levi finally broke it when he emitted a frustrated exhale, looking away.

"Go ahead then," he spoke in a strained voice. His gaze had grown more intensified, but they also held a touch of restlessness in it. "Do whatever you like, I wouldn't say your decision is right or wrong because I don't know either."

Momentarily Levi stared into space with piercing hate-filled eyes as if he was cursing the world along with her. Then, he moved his gaze to meet hers with an inexplicable look of frustration. He opened his mouth but quickly shut it, hesitating to say anymore.

Moments of silence in the darkness passed, without each of them saying a word.

Paranoia swept Ida repeatedly, fuelled and given power by Levi's words. The memory of Wall Maria falling ravaged her mind. Fear slipped into her gradually when she realized her momentary lapse of judgment could have held such dire consequences.

When Levi saw that she was trembling slightly, he reached out to pull her away from the wall, but Ida recoiled from it and violently maneuverer away from his grip, hypertensive and repulsed.

Levi hastily took his hands back and he frowned. Sighing irritably, he made his way towards the door. "Get some sleep, everyone in the legion is summoned for the briefing tomorrow."

Without another exchange of words, Levi left the room.

The creaking of an opening then closing door announced his departure, to which the room Ida was in relaxed and grew just a little bit bigger.

Ida grimaced, utterly hating what she must do.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"Today will be our final combined exercise. We will officially embark on the Survey Corps' 57th Expedition beyond the walls tomorrow."

Erwin Smith stood proudly on the podium while addressing his legion. The Wings of Freedom flag blew in pride with the wind behind him.

He paused for a moment, scanning his eyes among his brave soldiers adorning the green capes and their usual brown uniforms, every muscle poised as they stood in their organized lines. Their faces were composed, motivated, and fiercely determined.

"As many of you know, when we embark on the expedition and leave the safety of the gates, many of us won't come back. That is why the most important thing I want you to learn is how to survive." Clenching his fist, Erwin stamped it over his chest in a salute. "For the sake of humanity's freedom and for your bravery, I salute you!"

The loud echoes of the shifting soldiers waved through the lines as they poised themselves in a salute after their Commander.

"Take the rest of the day off to rest up and prepare yourself. Those who wish to visit their families have permission to do so. That is all, you're dismissed!"

Ida wore an expressionless bronze mask. She stood solemnly in the front lines, unflinching in her salute. The soldiers around her had started to move and chatter among themselves, but she couldn't find it in her to move.

She found herself staring at the flag of the Survey Corps and the side of her lips twitched.

Those bloodstained patchwork wings… How much Ida hated it.

She watched the tall blonde man walking down the podium and suddenly as if he had sensed her gaze, Erwin turned and made eye contact with her.

How...? she thought. How can you say things like that when you're keeping essential information to yourself that could result in the life and death of your soldiers? Do you even have a heart?

Curling her fingers tighter into a ball, the vehemence in her glare hardened, before she hastily averted her eyes. Ida was repulsed. Her knuckles whitened from how tightly she was clenching her fist.

She couldn't possibly have someone like that as a father. It was disgusting to even look at him.

How could anyone respect this man?

"You can't leave here you Titan brat, haha!" Oluo roughly slammed his fist down on a winching teenage boy's head. The older man ruffled Eren's hair as he went on with his obnoxious speech. "There is no need for me to go home and say goodbye because I'm going to come back alive with my amazing skills! Get that you little twerp?!"

"Oluo, leave Eren alone."

Eren and Oluo felt a wave of fear skate through their bodies when Levi's deadpan voice came from behind them.

"Y — Yes, sir!" Oluo spoke, immediately straightening like a pole.

Finally able to find the strength within her to break out of her salute, Ida studied her squad impassively from the side-lines. Her chest constricted unbearably at the sight.

Am I imagining it…?

Why… does everyone seem so agitated?

Her heavy-lidded eyes darted to her comrades from the other squads, picking up the very same aura of anxiety and anxiousness. Were they afraid? Strange. Why hadn't she noticed this before? She supposed even that inhumane Erwin had been more aware of the feelings of her comrades than her.

"Ida!" Petra came running towards her with her usual bright smile on her face. "My family sent me some tea leaves! Would you like some? I'll be leaving soon to visit my family, but I thought I would share it with you guys first!"

Ida coaxed a weary smile. "Sure…"

"What's wrong with you? You've been acting strange ever since yesterday..." Petra noted with concern.

When Ida remained silent, Petra shook her head, knowing that she wasn't one to openly voice her troubles and opted to not pry any further. Petra grinned brightly as she laced her arm around her despondent looking squad mate's arm. Ida instinctively stiffened at her touch but she made no attempt to untangle their arms.

A memory struck the ginger and she gasped. "Oh! I almost forgot! Here you go!"

Petra dug into her pockets and handed Ida a small little pink bag with a red ribbon tied on the top to secure its contents.

"Our present from the squad!" she explained, her ardor not dampened by Ida's dejected aura. "Sorry it took so long! But I can't believe it has been a year since you joined! Time sure does pass quickly."

Ida blinked, surprised that they had bought a present for her.

An uncharacteristic small smile tugged on her lips. Ida kept the present in her pocket while a warm fuzzy feeling bloomed in her chest. "Thank you, Petra."

With their arms interlocked, both women entered the dining hall where most of the legion were. It wasn't long before a flustered Eren came running from behind.

"Petra-san! Help me!" he cried charging over to the ginger for protection.

"Get back here you little Titan shit! I'm not done with you yet!" Oluo hollered, storming into the room.

He scowled and tried to grab Eren hiding behind Petra's back, but the ginger moved around him, blocking his grasp.

"Give me that stinking brat!" Oluo demanded. "My skills are first-rate you hear!"

"Cut it out Oluo," Petra spoke fiercely, furrowing her brows at his childish behavior. "Don't go bullying Eren again."

Oluo snapped his incredulous eyes to his teammate. "What did you say, woman! Since when do I take orders from you—"

Sadly, Oluo never got to finish his sentence when Petra swung her fist towards his face and he flew to the ground, clutching his assaulted face in shock.

Petra hastily turned and gave a warm nonchalant smile to a stunned Eren, leading him by the shoulders to an empty seat and pushing him down. "Join us for tea, Eren! Don't bother about that senile man."

Humming a merry tune, Petra headed to the cabinets and brewed a fresh batch of tea. Ida settled on the same table with Eren.

Petra walked back to the table and placed a steaming hot cup in front of Ida and Eren. "It's nothing high-grade, but even tea leaves are expensive nowadays."

"Thank you, Petra-san!" Eren happily grabbed the teacup from her, lowering his head in gratitude. The smooth black tea felt good as it ran down his throat.

"Thanks…" Ida muttered softly, accepting a cup from the ginger.

The three fell into a comfortable silence as Petra and Eren indulged in their drink. Ida never once drank from her cup. Instead, she opted to look at it dejectedly, watching the whips of white steam flow out from the cup.

Somehow, just watching it felt soothing to her. It calmed her mind.

"Hey, Eren… I'm sorry about that…" Petra suddenly said in a small voice, breaking the silence and earning a curious look from Eren and the silent Ida.

"Huh?" Confusion caused Eren's eyebrows to furrow. "Why are you apologizing to me, Petra-san?"

She placed down her cup. Her two small tender hands were still wrapped around it. She stared at the cup and a long silence ensued before she broke it.

"Everyone… is just…" Ida's eyes widened when she noticed the slight trembling of Petra's hands when she paused. "…Afraid."

The muscles in her throat started constricting. Ida peered up to stare at her. Petra's eyes were shimmering with unshed tears as she elaborated, "Everyone is on edge… and I think it has caught up with Oluo as well… so don't blame him for acting up…"

Petra waited for a reply, but when none came, a small sad smile tugged on the edges of her lips.

"Don't you think it's weird? Since we have been in the legion for a while now… But honestly, everyone is the same. We grow restless and anxious when the expedition date draws closer." Petra sighed, looking down despondently. "Even though we know what is waiting for us outside the Walls, and even though we know our own strength and believe in our teammates… Many of us are still afraid…"

Ida forced her gaze away, unable to continue looking at her. Veteran or not, how can anyone ever keep their composure when they know that the chances of them returning are so slim?

The trembling ginger's voice cracked when she muttered out her honest words. "We… just don't want to die…" Petra held tightly onto the cup to calm her trembling fingers and looked at the appalled teenage boy with water-filled eyes. "I want to go home to my family... It's selfish of me, I know. But..."

Petra trailed off when she saw Eren's shock expression. She hastily wiped her eyes and quickly averted the subject to lighten the mood. "Aren't you afraid too, Eren?"

Eren smiled sadly, nodding his head in agreement.

"Of course, I am…" The Titan Shifter admitted ruefully. "But we have the Survey Corps to believe in. No matter what happens, as long as we don't give up fighting, then I believe that we can one day gain back humanity's freedom."

"That's a positive way of thinking." Petra smiled, feeling a little better when she heard Eren's positive thoughts. "I wish I could think that way every time…"

Eren noticed that Ida had been relatively silent throughout the conversation and he opted to invite her into it as well. "Are you afraid too, Ida-san?"

At the sound of her name, she snapped her eyes towards him, taking in his imploring and kind gaze. Her stomach twisted and knotted in all directions and Ida again averted her guilty gaze away.

"I…."

"Haha! What a weird question to ask her! Of course, she isn't afraid! You should've seen her on her first expedition, Eren! She was as brave as ever!" Petra laughed softly, her smile as bright as the sun. "I don't think she ever feared to go on expeditions!"

"Yeah," Eren agreed. "Ida-san is really strong and dependable."

Ida hid her shivering hands underneath her cloak. Her chest constricted unbearably. Her face lacked any emotions while she stared unblinkingly at the wall.

Nothing was detectable on her face.

She had come up with such a perfect façade that everyone was fooled. For the past year, she had religiously practiced it, telling herself that she couldn't show any weakness, but truth was, she had been displaying a strong demeanor for so long now that she even fooled herself.

But she could only run from her true self for so long and now, Ida could feel her stoic dissemble slowly splintering under the pressure.

"Unlike you, Petra. If I recall correctly, I remember you weeping and even pissing your pants during your first expedition." Eld joined in the conversation, smiling wickedly when he suddenly came from behind the ginger and poked her cheeks playfully.

"Eh?!" Eren yelped, astonished.

"Ahh! Eld-san! Don't tell him that, what if he loses respect for me!" Petra shrieked in horror when her embarrassing past incident was revealed. "And you were afraid too, you moron!"

"We were all afraid, but at least I didn't piss my pants." Eld jested, dodging a punch that Petra threw in the direction of his face. He laughed heartily.

"Wow! So did it sprayed everywhere?" Eren piped out innocently as an afterthought.

These people…

Ida gritted her teeth together and her clutch onto her cloak's fabric grew even tighter. She forced her eyes back to where her squad members were. They were bickering away, oblivious to her growing frustrations.

They know what is on the other side of the Walls. They are one of the most experienced veterans out there. Titan killers of their own right… and yet… they are afraid.

They just… don't want to die…

"Hey, Eren, did you get the meaning behind the question that Commander Erwin asked you?" Gunther suddenly sat down beside Eren, ignoring Eld and Petra arguing in front of them.

Eren's eyes went wide. "Oh! You mean the question he asked me when Hanji-san's Titans were killed? About who I thought was the true enemy?"

Gunther nodded. "Yes, that. It's been bothering me how the Special Operation Squad is placed in the center of the formation this time round on standby instead. It's the safest spot in the entire formation, you get even more special treatment than cart supplying supplies."

"Eh… I don't know what he meant till now..." Eren admitted, pursing his lips as he thought through the question again. "What about you guys? Did you understand what Commander Erwin meant when he said that?"

Eld shook his head. "Nope."

"Don't look at me, brat," Oluo scolded him when he noticed Eren was staring at him.

"I haven't the slightest clue too," Petra answered sheepishly.

The entire squad gaze fell to a silent painfully distracted Ida, urging for an input. Feeling their stares, she clutched onto her cloak tighter and chewed on her bottom lip.

"I — I don't know anything too," she lied in a soft voice.

Gunther shrugged at her simple reply, paying no more thought to it. "Maybe this time, our expedition has another objective other than simply going to the outer lands and coming back alive... If so, then Commander Erwin simply concluded there's no need for us soldiers to know about it."

Stop it… Ida begged internally, but she remained frozen in her seat.

"What? Why wouldn't Commander Erwin brief us though?" Eren piped up, confused. "We're working towards the same goal, are we not?"

Please…

"I don't know Eren," Gunther said softly. "If that's the case, we have only one objective — go outside the Walls and come back alive. Trust your commander, Eren."

Eren bristled, nodding and accepting his advice. "Y — Yes sir..."

Just stop talking… I beg you…

Petra ruffled Eren's hair reassuringly with affection. "I know you don't understand yet, but here in the Survey Corps. We trust one another with our lives, we believe in each other Eren."

Standing up involuntarily, Ida held onto her stomach as she rushed out of the room. She clenched her jaw together, trying to salvage her composure. But the last bout of guilt had entrenched her body and it only grew stronger with every passing second. She couldn't take it anymore.

The disgust for herself built up in her stomach and Ida could feel the bile threatening to pour from her throat. The loud slamming of the door caught the attention of the squad members, noticing that their fiery-haired member was nowhere to be seen.

Petra blinked when she saw the untouched cup. "Where did she go?"

Eld shrugged when he saw Petra looking at him for answers. "Don't look at me like that Petra. I didn't do anything. She has been acting weird ever since yesterday."

Gunther frowned. "You think Captain and her got into a fight again?"

Colors.

Colors of the core of the rainbow flashed across her and blemished her eyesight. Ida Starke felt her world tip on a deadly axis. The guilt had consumed her stomach — it was so acidic, so poisonous that she could feel the bile of disgust at the back of her throat, ready to puke out any moment.

Slamming open the toilet door, Ida couldn't breathe. She bolted into the room, closed the door behind her and doubled onto the ground, writhing in pain in front of the toilet. The acidic tastes chased up the back of her throat. Ida groaned in pain as she puked out nothing but strings of saliva.

Her mind was screaming, her stomach was twisting, and her arms and legs felt like rubber.

The physical manifestation of her mental and emotional pain was getting worse and worse.

Ida couldn't understand how they did it.

How her very own biological father could withstand looking at his frightened and anxious subordinates who placed all their lives and trust in the Survey Corps, not knowing that they were nothing but sacrificial lambs. How the ever-perfect Levi could agree with Erwin, even though she knew that he cared about the lives of his subordinates.

How could Erwin even say such noble words in front of them?

How could they keep the truth that would separate life and death?

Were they even capable of feelings?

She didn't know who was going to die tomorrow, and she didn't know what was going to happen tomorrow, but what Ida knew was that she was guilty of staying silent and because of that, there was a chance that many of her subordinates would be making their last trip home today.

'Inhuman filth,' her black soul berated her internally and Ida gagged again. 'You are not any different from them'

For the first time, Ida Starke was afraid of embarking on an expedition.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Levi Ackerman had his mind on a particular redhead while he walked down the silent hallway with his hands tucked into the pockets. He was wondering how Ida was coping. They hadn't talked or even made eye contact since yesterday and truth to be told, he was starting to feel a tad guilty for treating her so harshly.

He had known for a long time now. Ida just wasn't like him. Though her exterior was prickly and her expression ever stoic, it was easy to decipher her true feelings if one had paid close attention. The innate humanity that she possesses deep within, a possession that Ida fervently clung to and hid from watchful eyes, a possession that she wouldn't give up no matter how cruel the world was.

Indeed, she was nothing like him.

He felt a surge of frustration inundate him at that thought and Levi felt aggravated. It eluded his comprehension as to why he was feeling this way.

He exhaled a long breath. Levi told himself that it was necessary to reel Ida in a desperate effort to make himself feel better. It was necessary for mankind, he argued with himself, and yet even with that justification, he never felt more bitter.

"Fuck this," he grumbled to himself irritably.

This was unlike him. He was being irrational. He was feeling bitter for no reason. None of this should've mattered. Ida was undoubtedly strong, and she was a survivor in this tainted world. She would get over it, this would not break her. It was unnecessary for him to fret over her mental wellbeing. But even as he assured himself, he felt conflicted.

Reaching his private room, he opened the door and entered the threshold, only to find the very person that he was thinking about inside.

"So, is this your stupid way of getting back at me?" His voice was scathing and cold. "Charging into your superior's room without permission and making a damn mess?"

The intruder in his room only embraced his irritated expression with a sad smile. Ida was sitting cross-legged in his chair. "There's no one else around, everyone has gone home to visit their families before the expedition…" she admitted straight off, much to his surprise. "…I've no one to talk to..."

Levi was slightly taken aback by her explanation, but he allowed none of it to show on his expression.

Since when was Ida this honest?

"So, you decided to get yourself piss drunk into my damn room?" Levi's eyebrows clashed together when he saw a half-drank bottle of alcohol in her grasp. "What the hell are you doing? We're going on an expedition tomorrow."

She waved her hand in the air like she was dismissing his comments. "Don't mind me, I just want to be around someone… I was waiting for you before I drank, but you took your damn sweet time, were you taking a shit or something?"

Shaking his head, Levi decided that he was simply too tired to argue with her. Ida was a stubborn brat and there was no way he was getting her out of his room without a fight.

He walked to the side of his bed and removed his jacket. "Stop making a ruckus, if you have nothing to do, go to your room and rest. That's your job as a soldier too, we need to be prepared for tomorrow."

Ida nodded absentmindedly and said nothing. She took a long chug, gasping when she released the bottle from her lips. She threw her Captain a definitive glance, feeling oddly comfortable with his presence. In silence, she watched as he started to remove his cravat.

Has this man… ever felt afraid of going beyond the Walls? Ida pondered bitterly. This irritatingly perfect man…

Levi always looked so confident — so skillful and brave, so much so that his fearlessness even amazed her.

The same spiteful jealousy that she often felt when she thought of how perfect he was bloomed in her chest again. She envied him, but somehow, Ida couldn't say for sure that she hated him as much as she did any longer.

Her grip on her bottle tightened and she felt incredibility conflicted at this realization.

Even if it were a horde of Titans, Levi would charge in without a second thought. He was that confident in himself. He was that perfect.

Levi was nothing like her.

Ida shifted her eyes over his side profile again, wondering if he was feeling the same amount of anxiety and guilt as she was. If he did though, none of it showed. She had paid attention to him for the past year, silently praying that she would be able to form a conclusion that he wasn't as annoyingly perfect as she thought, but she only learned that he was even more flawless than expected.

He was a flawless ever perfect soldier, ready to dedicate his hearts to the benefit of humanity and prepared to do anything. No matter how hard the road he walked was, he was able to hope and dream, he was able to abandon everything that made him weak, and he was able to shoulder the dreams of the fallen.

Indeed, he was nothing like her.

He was so full of life, while she was frighteningly hollow.

Perhaps he doesn't know fear, Ida concluded wryly. That did sound like a plausible explanation. He is the strongest after all. The perfect one.

"Hey… Levi…" she murmured before she could stop herself. "Don't you have somewhere to visit on your day off? Like a family member… or a lover or something?"

Being in the headquarters every day, Ida had come to observe that Levi never really went anywhere or visited anyone on his days off. He was in the Survey Corps every day, just like her. They had no family, no friends, and no one waiting for them within the Walls.

They simply had no other purpose other than serving in the military.

Levi stiffened slightly at that question. He hesitated for a while before he answered, "None."

She raised her brow in surprise. Ida hadn't expected him to answer. It was a silent agreement between them to never pry into the private lives of each other or their past. Even though she was curious about Levi's past when he lived in the Underground City, she couldn't bring herself to ask him, too spiteful to do so. The only thing she knew was stories that Oluo and Petra told her.

Her gaze lingered on him. Levi wasn't the most talkative person in the world. He was disturbingly reserved. But since he didn't look like he was in a foul mood and was uncharacteristically tolerant today seeing as she had expected he'd kick her out the moment he saw her, Ida saw no harm in continuing the conversation.

She nodded her head, looking straight ahead. "So, you dedicate your life to the Survey Corps and to flying around and killing Titans huh…? Duty over anything…" Ida took another long swing on her bottle. "Everyone… is in high-spirits today..."

"Noisy as ever," he answered in his usual deadpan.

"Were they always like this?" Ida asked quietly, hating how pathetic she sounded. She angled her head to look up to the spotless ceiling. "Have they always been this anxious before an expedition?"

Levi glanced at her, his expression telling her that the answer was obvious. "What do you think?" he sarcastically jabbed.

A bitter smile touched her lips. "…I've been in the squad for a year, but I never knew how they felt until I observed them today..."

Levi said nothing but frowned, realizing he had said something wrong.

She was acting strange today, and this unnerved him. Ida wasn't one to openly express her emotions or talk about her feelings. She always had a protective barrier around her, as if she was immensely frightened of anyone knowing how she felt.

But in unguarded moments, Levi learned, he could still catch rare glimpses of her true feelings. But those moments were far and in between, though he had come to understand that she was an extremely sensitive and emotional person in those rare moments.

He had come to understand just how different she was compared to him.

This was probably one of those moments where Ida had her guard down. As Levi regarded her, he could see the despair on her expression clearly and the agony in the depths of her emerald eyes.

Levi felt a strange constriction in his chest. He didn't know why, but the sight of her looking so openly despaired sent so many conflicting feelings his way that he couldn't pinpoint exactly how he felt.

"When I first came to the Corps, I avoided everyone and shunned them, preferring to keep to myself… That was pretty mean of me, wasn't it? I was such a spiteful brat."

Ida closed her eyes and tipped her head back in misery. She wasn't expecting a reply, she just wanted someone to listen.

"But the truth was… I was just afraid. I was afraid of becoming attached to someone. I was afraid of feeling that same pain that I felt when Wall Maria fell. I've seen so many people die, even back in the Underground... I guess I just wanted to protect myself... And in the process of selfishly protecting myself, I had forgotten that people around me had feelings as well... They all... are human like me, they just don't want to die..."

The strange constriction in his chest tightened as Ida talked. He observed her briefly, before replying in a monotone. Levi offered her no consolation, knowing that she would not expect one. "This is the Survey Corps, people die every time we depart on an expedition beyond the walls, death is inevitable."

"I know that..."

"Then why are you acting this way?" Levi demanded sternly, turning his heel to glare at her. He was aggravated by her strange uncharacteristic behavior. "You're a contradicting brat you know that? Saying that you don't want to get attached to people, yet you make a big fuss over some necessary sacrifices."

Ida smiled sadly at his point, nodding numbly. She made no effort to conjure up a retort like he had expected her to. She bought the bottle to her lips and gulped down a couple of mouthfuls, feeling bitter.

Necessary sacrifices? Ida thought miserably.

Has mankind really fallen this far, so much so that it's necessary to sacrifice people?

But then Levi's words invaded her mind. No, he was right, she had no right to feel this way, it was a contradiction. She had made it a point in her life to never get attached to anyone ever again. Ida would never allow fate to play another cruel joke on her. And yet, there she was, feeling despaired over necessary sacrifices.

What right did she have to feel horrified over this? She was a repugnant sinner. She had killed people because it benefited her in the past. How different was it to what the Survey Corps was doing now? In addition, the inevitable deaths of her comrades would benefit mankind, wouldn't it?

And so, what right did she have?

Suddenly, she felt a lone tear stream down her cheek. Appalled, Ida touched her cheek, her eyes wide with wonder when she felt the wetness on her fingertips.

"Ida?" Levi frowned, perplexed that she was actually crying.

In his memories, Levi could not find a time where he had seen Ida cry. He thought back, again and again, farther and farther, but no. Nothing. Ida was not one to cry. The redhead was always so cocky and impertinent, never allowing herself to show any weakness in front of anyone else, and especially not around him. Levi never expected tears coming from someone like her. Ida Starke was stronger than this.

Ida had never faltered or broke a tear when she saw comrades after comrades die. She always remained apathetic despite the horrors happening around her — this was the first time Levi had ever seen her cry or look so vulnerable.

"Hah!" Ida grinned bitterly like she was amused with her tears that finally came after the emotional turmoil she experienced. "I'm... still capable of crying like a normal person… Haha… What the fuck…"

She started laughing, a mixture of sobs and disbelief scoffs. It sounded so despaired that it momentarily threw him off. Levi stilled his movements and a tensed silence filled the air. Something stirred in him as he subtly watched her shoulders shaking with every obvious laugh.

Her sardonic laughter soon died down and a calm expression played on her face.

The room was much dimmer with the curtains closed, Ida could barely make out Levi's expression as he turned around suddenly. At first, she thought that there might be a worried frown on his face, but then she blinked, and the frown was replaced by the scowl he forever wore.

"Oi…" Levi started unhesitatingly in an uncharacteristic uneasy voice. "Want to stay here tonight?"

Ida's eyes widened at his offer before he interjected sharply. "Whatever you're imagining, stop it, it's fucking creepy. And don't misunderstand, I'm just saying you can stay here and rant to hell all you want tonight. I just don't want to hear your piss poor crying down the shitty hallway, it's burdensome. You feel better when you're with someone, right?"

She stared at him with incredulity prominent on her expression. She heard him scoff.

"...And stop crying, asswipe, it doesn't suit you," Levi added briskly when she didn't reply, before he calmly lifted the covers and slid into his bed, turning his back to her.

A silence ensued for a few minutes.

Ida had expected Levi to say something or add on another snarky remark, but he didn't, and she found herself increasingly frustrated at the silence. Sighing, she drank the last of her liquor and walked towards the large double bed. She sat down on the bed hesitantly, darting wary glances at his back.

No matter how much Ida tried to remain logical and detached, her actions were frighteningly honest that night. Because what she desired most at that moment was someone to depend on, someone to be around her, someone willing to hear her grievances.

And at that moment, Levi was the only one available.

A silence hung in the air as a new stillness filled the room. She held her gaze on his back, seeing his back rising and falling with each breath. It wasn't anything new, Levi would always face her back towards her whenever they shared a room.

"Hey Levi, can you turn around?" Ida requested softly, tugging on his shirt.

"I don't want to see your damn face first thing in the morning."

"Fine," she huffed, moving to the bed and gingerly laying down beside him. Levi didn't say anything, but she saw him stiffen, obviously uncomfortable. However, Ida paid it no mind. "I'm just going to lie down for a bit… I'm tired…"

She relished in the warmness emitting from him for a few minutes and sighed once more before she broke the comfortable silence.

"…You know, I killed my first man the very day Wall Maria fell…"

Ida paused, darting another glance to his back, but the Captain did not even look perturbed.

She didn't know why she was breaking the well-established silent rule between them to never talk or pry about their past, but now — accompanied by the alcohol she consumed — Ida felt strangely safe beside him.

"It was after I took refuge in Wall Rose. The panic and chaos were massive that day and everything was so disorientated and messy… I knew no one, had no one, everyone I knew had died..."

Knowing that Levi was adamant about keeping his silence, Ida went on in a low emotionless voice, unblinking as she stared up at the ceiling.

"I strayed a little too far from the refugee camp and got lost. I was sheltered, you see; I've never been to Wall Rose… Unfortunately, I was caught by a stranger. Because of my unique hair color and green eyes... He wanted to smuggle me to the Underground City… to sell me to a brothel or a slave house… He said no one would know, and that with Wall Maria fallen, everyone would assume that I was dead… He grabbed me, tried to chain me, and I — I just panicked at that moment… I didn't want to die… So… I… s — stabbed him to death with a broken piece of glass..."

The memory was starting to become suffocating. She moved her arm up to cover her eyes and her voice became increasingly strained as she continued.

"…I just kept stabbing and stabbing the lifeless corpse until I grew tired… I — I didn't know what came over me — or who I was at that point… But when I realized what I had done... my hands were already tainted..."

Ida moved slightly to glance at Levi's back, but he remained silent. However, she did not feel offended, she understood it was his way of commiserating with her.

What else could he say anyway?

She continued, lost in her thoughts. "...But eventually, I was caught by his lackeys and smuggled to the Underground City... I assumed everyone thought I died in the fall of Wall Maria, not that I had any looking for me… So… For the next few years, I wandered aimlessly without a goal in the subterranean city, doing odd jobs, and almost everything and anything to survive... Even though I had no purpose... I didn't know why I wanted to live... But regardless... I killed, I stole, I fought — it was horrible… It was like I was living an endless nightmare."

A small sad smile touched her lips as she started to recount her recent past. "Then… I joined the Surveys Corps…" Her grip around his bedspreads tighten. "I honestly never… expected to be welcomed here... Or that I'd ever find a place that I belonged to…"

Her mind flashed back to the memories she had made with comrades and her stomach knotted.

"But… slowly, but surely, I think I came to love this place and to appreciate the people here… No matter how unforgiving the roads we walked are, I think I found my place somewhere... and I want to protect the people I've grown to care about…"

She laughed imperceptibly at her naïve words, wondering when she had even started to have such idealistic and naïve dreams. The Ida a year ago would've never imagined that it was possible for someone like her.

Another question crossed her mind. Now that she had breached the unspoken rule between them, she didn't see the harm in asking.

"Say Levi… I heard from others that you lived in the Underground City as a thug before you joined the Corps, was it hard for you as well?"

It was a question that had been bothering Ida ever since she found out from Petra, but she didn't see the need to bring it up, nor did she have the courage to ask him — but she supposed now would be a good time, she didn't really care anymore.

Ida could feel him tensed up uncomfortably and she bit her bottom lip, wondering if she shouldn't have asked such a personal question. The tension in the air was palpable.

It was one thing that she respected in their strained relationship — Levi never inquired about her past, and neither did she. The people that they were in the past did not matter.

But to her utmost surprise, Levi answered. "…You were from the Underground City. You should know what kind of shit that fucking rathole is…"

"Did you do horrible things to survive as well?"

"Tch. Isn't that the only way to survive?"

Indeed, it is, Ida answered inwardly. It was a cruel world that they lived in. A merciless world where only the powerful triumphed. A sudden influx of sorrow encroached her soul and out of a sudden, Ida couldn't hold it back anymore. Her willpower scrambled to piece herself together, but it was a pathetic insignificant force compared to her agony.

Tears started to prickle her eyes. She willed it to fade and turned over, pressing her face into his back. Her voice cracked. "…I'm sorry…"

Levi answered her in his usual deadpan. "…What for?"

"For my behavior... For my recklessness..." Ida answered in a heartbeat, her voice unbearably dry and strained. "I'm… afraid of going outside the Walls… I'm afraid of seeing my subordinates killed as a sacrifice. I... don't want to lose them, and I don't want to lose the Survey Corps — I just don't want to lose this sense of belonging that I've longed so much for… I don't want to lose everything again. It's selfish of me to think that, but... I — I can't help it…."

Ida sniffled into his back, unable to contain back her overflowing emotions.

She bit back a choke-filled wail. "It's shameful and pathetic, isn't it? You must have noticed… How I can't even protect anyone or be of significance to this world…"

Again, Levi did not reply.

"I just can't stand the fact that I'm letting them die…" Ida sobbed into his back, unable to steady her voice and it cracked. "Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther... The people who stood by me fought with me and accepted and welcomed me... I — I can't let them die..."

"Are you still looking for a meaningful way to die?" Levi asked tonelessly after much hesitation. He wasn't one to pry or to openly point out someone's emotions, but his curiosity won him over. "After all, that's the entire reason you accepted my offer to join the Survey Corps, isn't it?"

Her eyes widen, peeling her face off his back. She assumed that he would elaborate more but to her surprise, nothing but silence came. "You're right, but not anymore... But how..."

She could almost see him frowning in irritation at her question.

"I suspected," he admitted flatly. "You were a childish brat, recklessly charging at every Titan in your way despite being a newbie. You looked as though you were unafraid of everything. As if you were so eager to die, and that you didn't fear death — you looked like someone who had condemned herself to death, someone who wanted a way to escape."

Ida noted his perceptiveness, wondering how long he knew about it and how much he was studying her. She smiled wryly, recalling her first expedition.

"…I don't want to escape from this world so much now… I guess along the way, I fell in love with being a soldier — to have duty, values, and morals... To hope again… To do something meaningful for humanity, and find some worth in my existence… I grew to care for my comrades and to respect them... I guess…" Ida closed her eyes, smiling. "…I'm learning to dream again…"

Out of the blue, Levi flipped himself around to face her and was almost taken aback but the soft smile on her face — but it was a sad smile, a despaired smile.

"Have you forgotten why I kept you alive instead of shipping your brat ass off to the Military Police?" Levi deadpanned in a serious voice, looking like he was highly annoyed. "Don't run away. Fight and survive. But if you want an instant peace of mind, I'll kill you right now."

Ida opened her eyes, staring at his face. "…Would you…?" she asked in a frayed voice.

Levi grimaced, debating if she was asking him to do it or perhaps even issuing him a challenge, but the look on Ida's face was of one that meant no harm.

"Tch." Levi clenched his jaw, realizing he wouldn't be able to pull through with it. He kept his expression carefully guarded. "We… Survey corps soldiers have endured shit after shit — sometimes even if we have to explain simple things to shitty brats like you, we get irritated."

"I know that…" Ida closed her eyes. "I guess I'm still an amateur after all, huh?"

A pregnant pause skipped between them before Ida voiced another question. "…How do you do it? How are you able to throw your humanity and sacrifice people like that? Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther... They know nothing about the mission… How can you gamble with their lives?"

Ida knew Levi cared for his subordinates — she could not deny that — and that was exactly why she couldn't wrap her head around his behavior.

"I don't know," Levi admitted monotonously, looking disturbed. "I'm just an asshole and I think it's because I've seen and been through so many fucked up and shitty scenarios in my life."

But so did I, Levi. We had such similar circumstances in our past… Ida thought bitterly. So what made you so strong and I, so weak? Why are we so different? Why are you so perfect?

His tone grew darker, and so did his scowl. "You've seen what type of hell is waiting for us if the Walls should fall. I'm fine with playing the role of the heartless that would sacrifice my comrades because I would rather choose the guilt of shouldering the deaths of the people I know, than the hell of being devoured by Titans. At least, that way, all of humanity wouldn't need to take part in it…"

Levi scoffed at his own words, wondering what was happening to him for him to say something like that. But now that he thought about it, the entire night was strange.

"But then again, I guess my hands are already fucking tainted, so it doesn't make much of a damn difference."

She nodded softly at his explanation, slowly understanding what he meant.

It's all for the greater good, Ida reminded herself, but she couldn't seem to accept that explanation no matter how much she tried, and it was eating her inside because she knew she had to.

"Tainted, huh?" she breathed, tears cascading down her porcelain face at that word. She buried her face into the pillows and continued to sob. "I guess you're right… Tainted people like us... The sinners... It makes no difference to people like us…"

"Tch, what kind of an idiot cries over something like this?" Levi grumbled sarcastically, not liking that her tears were dampening his pillows and certainly not appreciating how her tears made him feel, but he kept his silence about it.

Because the truth was, Levi was secretly appalled by how she reacted — she looked so vulnerable and innocent, not like the formidable ruthless soldier he had seen in the hallways that morning. It was exactly because she was acting so strangely that he didn't know how to react.

Deciding that it was better to leave her to be, he turned his back on her again.

Levi didn't know how long he stayed there, staring blankly at the wall as he waited for her sobbing to ease and for her to fall asleep.

Once he was certain that she had slept, Levi turned around, peering at her sleeping face. Her body heat felt nice and comforting, making him yearn to get some much-deserved rest, but his thoughts were too troubling to ignore.

By now, Ida's face was peaceful and calm, as if she wasn't bawling her eyes out minutes ago. Reaching out, he wiped the built-up tears at the corner of her eyes, and she stirred underneath his touch, causing him to snatch his hand back.

In the darkness, Levi finally understood why he felt so frustrated when he thought of Ida being so different than him.

Because she was so selfishly human. So empathetic and frighteningly honest. And so… painfully alive. Because what Levi should've done was to openly lament about the circumstances behind his actions. Because even though he was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, he couldn't openly express it as she could.

Levi couldn't even bring himself to rebel against and question the cruel world even if he wanted to.

But their circumstances were so similar, so why were they so different?

Why was she so alive, while he was so unbearably dead inside?

You're going to be just like me, huh? Levi thought bitterly as he watched her sleeping face. Shouldering your dead comrade's sacrifices in the name of a soldier's duty and continuing forward while the damn guilt slowly eats you from inside...

And eventually, you'll reach out and beg for someone to help you, but you'd find no one there to grab your hand and pull you up...

"Oi Ida… You won't abandon this shitty world, would you?" Levi whispered hoarsely without thinking, not expecting her to respond.

"Of course, I won't." Ida murmured back, opening one tired eye to look at him. He frowned when she saw him smile softly at his stunned expression.

"Hey, hold my hand to sleep okay?" she whispered, unknowingly echoing Levi's somber thoughts just seconds ago.

Closing her eyes, she snuggled into the pillow and sighed blissfully.

He hesitated for a long time, a very long time. But eventually, Levi slowly touched her hand that she had placed in the space between them. Her hands were warm and slightly calloused from years of holding weapons. Levi was shocked at how small and vulnerable they felt beneath his grasp.

Suddenly, Ida grabbed his hand, interlacing their fingers together.

Levi's frown deepened and his eyes were dark. It was unusual of him to comply with a request like this, but somehow the whole night felt off — he didn't feel as annoyed as he expected himself to be. He felt rather calm, at peace, and the overwhelming guilt that he was harboring within him ever since he received the orders from Erwin about the mission also seemed to have lessened.

He glared at their interlocked hands, his eyes hardening.

How fucking ironic, Levi thought cynically. Two tainted hands finding comfort in each other as a diversion to their sorrows. How fucking irrational.

He watched her breathing slowed down as Ida slowly drifted into sleep. Observing her, he thought about the words he wanted to say.

That's right, Ida. No matter what, you must choose life...

…that's because in your case, you have someone to hold on your hand and help you regardless of anything…

…You don't have to feel alone in this like I did.

That is why you must live, no matter what….

You are a survivor...

Slowly, Levi closed his eyes, the warmth of her hands tickling into his palm.

…You won't leave me as well, will you?

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Awkwardness surrounded them like a thick veil the next morning.

Ida was already dressed in her beige uniform and had moved on to securing the belts around her legs and waist. She wanted to kick herself for falling asleep in his bed, but she was more surprised that Levi actually permitted it and didn't rudely wake her up until morning.

She was in the storage room where the weapons were stored but instead of focusing on equipping her gears, she found herself bitterly distracted. Occasionally, she would throw Levi a fleeting glance ever so often, watching him go through his morning routine in preparation for the expedition.

Ida was half-expecting Levi to taunt her about her pathetic state yesterday or even reprimand her for intruding his room, but surprisingly, her Captain was uncharacteristically quiet today.

"Oi."

She swallowed dryly when she heard his voice, deciding to stay close to the door. At least there was a very slight chance of escape if things got violent that way.

Paralyzed with paranoid thoughts, Ida fidgeted nervously. "Yeah?"

"Pass me my cloak, it's by the door," Levi ordered in a stoic voice and the tension eased off her shoulder, relaxing when he didn't seem mad.

She hooked the last of her belts and went to pick up his cloak before going to where Levi was. "Here."

Without even thinking, Ida subconsciously wrapped the cloak around him, missing Levi's frozen stature.

She adjusted the cloak around him, securing it around him with a brown button at the base of his neck. She smooths the creases out on the shoulders, knowing that Levi always liked the prim and proper look.

"Done!" Ida broke into a little smile, pleased at her work.

When Levi kept his silence, Ida blinked, looking up at her Captain quizzically, only to see him leveling his hard gaze on her. Oh shit. A blush seared her cheeks, she gasped softly when she realized what she had done.

"Uhm..." Mortified, Ida stammered, not knowing what she should do. Levi looked paralyzed from shock and his hard expression looked as though he was demanding an answer.

Under the newfound tension, Ida desperately thought of a way to ease the awkwardness.

And so, she did the first thing that came into her congested mind. Ida poked the space between his eyebrows, earning her an even sterner glare from him.

Crap! What the hell did I just do?! Instantly, she recoiled her hand back in horror, but it was too late.

"Ah! S — Sorry!" she quickly apologized. 'It's — It's just that you're always frowning, and I wanted to know if there's a distance between your brows!"

Ida mentally kicked herself again for even doing such a thing and then even going on to stupidly explain why she did that. Moron! Ida groaned internally. She always did stupid and embarrassing things whenever she's flustered.

Luckily for her, a loud knock on the door distracted them before Levi could say anything else.

Eren swung it open, seeing his two superiors surprisingly close to each other and an uncharacteristic blush on Ida's cheek. "Captain— Oh! I — I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here Ida-san..."

For once Ida was glad that the Titan brat was around, and she heaved out a sigh of relief when Levi went to address him.

"What do you want to say Eren?" Levi remained nonchalant, glowering at the poor boy.

Eren stiffened under his stern glare. "Commander Erwin is asking for all the members to go to the courtyard. We're distributing the flares for the expedition..."

He fidgeted nervously, wondering if he had interrupted at the wrong timing.

"We will be down soon," Levi told him firmly.

Quickly, Eren nodded his head vigorously and turned around to close the door, silently praying that his Captain wouldn't kill him for unknowingly interrupting his moment with Ida.

The two fell into a tense silence as the door closed behind Eren, just looking at each other intensely as the awkwardness from before came crashing back between them.

Ida chewed on her bottom lip, thinking of what to say and she opted to thank him for accompanying her last night. But when she opened her mouth, Levi coughed and turned his back on her.

"Brats these days..." he grumbled, probably referring to Eren.

Levi started walking away towards the door. Ida scrambled to form coherent sentences in her mind, thinking that this was probably the best time to thank her fellow partner for all that he has done for her. Going on an expedition was dangerous, it might even be the last time she came back to the Walls.

But Levi was already reaching towards the door. Flustered, Ida did the unthinkable out of the spur of the moment.

Running towards him, she wrapped her arms around his back, pulling him into a tight hug.

"T — Thanks for yesterday!" she spat out quickly, clamping her eyes shut.

BAM!

Unfortunately for her, Ida was knocked backward when Levi instinctively spun around and kicked her in her shin.

Howling in pain, Ida clutched onto her throbbing shin and glared at him accusingly. "What the hell was that for?!"

Levi's eyes widened a little, realizing what he had done. It was an instinctive primal action honed from years and years on the battlefield and the Underground City. He didn't really mean to attack her, Levi just wasn't used to someone hugging him like that.

"Tch. Don't go charging at people like that." He spat with much force to cover up his awkwardness. Levi hastily averted his gaze away and cleared his throat. "Idiot."

She opened her lips to throw back an acid retort but was stopped midway when Levi threw her a lollipop from his pocket.

"Here, you eat sweets before your battles, right? I grabbed it from your stash at the pantry." He stated in a low indifferent voice as Ida caught it before it hit her face. "I'm expecting your best performance today, don't go bawling around like a little brat and letting your emotions get the better of you. You're a veteran soldier so fucking act like one — even Eren has better composure than you."

Ida looked at the candy in her hands and smiled softly, instantly feeling the weight of her burdens from yesterday lifting despite his insulting words.

"Oh, and Ida," Levi called out just before he exited the room. "Come back alive."

Her eyes widen at his words, a smile slowly blooming on her lips. She unwrapped the lollipop and popped it in her mouth.

"Is that a challenge you bastard?!" Ida called out in an obnoxious tone, rushing to keep up with him as he trekked further down the hallway.

Levi felt his lips twitch into a little smirk when he heard her from behind, pleased that she was back to her usual self.

"Glad to know that your shitty bratty self is back," he grumbled sardonically.

"I heard that!" Ida finally reached him, slapping his arm.

When they emerged at the courtyard, the remainder of their squad was already waiting then. Ida stepped into the field that had erupted with controlled chaos as the legion scrambled to complete the preparations for the expedition.

"Captain!" Eld saluted at Levi's appearance, to which the Captain only nodded.

"Good morning," Ida greeted the rest of her squad.

"Morning!" Petra chirped, her smile like the vibrancy of the morning sun. "You feeling better, Ida? You worried us yesterday when you just disappeared."

"Yeah," Gunther agreed with a nod. He crossed his arms. "We looked for you before we left for our homes, but you were nowhere to be found."

To the shock and surprise of the squad, the redhead, who was always known to parade a scowl, smiled beautifully in reply. "Sorry, I was busy with something. When we get back from the expedition, let's all go out to town for dinner! My treat!"

A starting silence skipped through the members of the squad. Their jaws were slightly unhinged as they gaped at her.

"What the fuck…" Oluo breathed, positively mortified. "Oi… Ida you okay? You didn't hit your head somewhere, did you?'

"Shit, she finally went crazy…" Eld voiced, staring at her with horror.

Ida laughed at their reactions and paid it no mind. Instead, she grabbed her squad members into a group hug. "It's nothing! I'm just in a good mood today! Let's all come back together, okay?"

Petra beamed, tearing herself away from the group hug. "Of course!"'

"Everyone heard it, right?" Gunther said, a bright grin on his face. "The one who is always broke is going to treat us to dinner with her own paycheck!"

Levi Ackerman watched the scene unfolding by the side-lines. The tightening in his chest was starting to get unbearable. His gaze zeroed in on Ida, who was laughing breezily at Gunther's comment. The rest of his squad started to walk away to check on their supplies and it was only when their attention was diverted away did Ida's expression take a serious turn.

Her emerald eyes hollowed out instantly and her haunted expression was clad in a shroud of darkness. Unconsciously, his fingers curled together at the sight. He could see it, that suppressed anguish contorting her features, and her mouth pressed into a hard scowl eerily like his own.

Levi didn't know if he should feel proud of Ida for pulling herself together, or if he found it depressing to watch. Mulling the odd emotion over, Levi concluded that he was neither pleased nor unhappy, which was a very strange spot to find himself in.

However, it was startlingly clear to him that Ida Starke had been putting on an act all these while. An act so perfect it had fooled everyone, even him. How wrong he was. Levi had thought he had seen through her apathetic dissemble, he had thought he had deciphered exactly what type of person she was.

He thought that he had won the silent challenge between them.

The challenge to break each other's perfect apathetic persona, to expose each other's darkest demons and weaknesses.

But now, Levi wasn't sure if he truly accurately deciphered just what type of person Ida was, especially not after last night when she cried tears purer than anything he had ever seen. And truthfully, he wasn't sure if he wanted to know any longer.

Fuck.

Levi gnashed his teeth, conflicted and vexed, he found himself unable to get rid of this unbearable constriction in his chest.