Humanity's Strongest Woman

by xDollfie

In every empire, there is an epic era that defies the boundaries of time and immortalized itself in the history books. For mankind, an epic era they will never forget has finally emerged. The war between humanity and Titans has finally come to a head. Love cease to exist in a time like this, but they found it, and promised that it'll be worth it. Every stubborn inch of it [LEVIXOC]

12. Silent Reunion

A/N: This chapter was a pain to write because of the intense emotions in this chapter and my writer's block. Also, yay to new cover image!

Chapter Revamped: 15th March 2020

A big shout out and thank you to my beta-reader: SilentDreamer23

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Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie

Chapter 10 — Silent Reunion

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Excitement mingled with fear in the air.

Excitement for the unknown world they were about to venture for the first time, haunted by the stalking fear of the unknown future — all these heavy feeling mixed and hung heavily on the shoulder of the 104th training corps recruits. It was always going the be a memory that they would remember. Their first-ever official expedition beyond the walls.

To say that they were anxious was an understatement.

Jean felt the stiffness in his legs as if they were unconsciously reluctant to walk to where his horse was. Armin could feel his palms sweat profusely as he clutched tightly on the reins of his horse. Even Mikasa was not spared, for her eye bags were fairly pronounced this morning. Her face remained that of a statue, but her eyes wandered worriedly to Eren who was at the far end of the field with Ida.

"Did you check your gears? Do you have enough gas?" Ida rounded up on Eren while she did a once over on the boy. She tugged the straps on his hips, ensuring they were tightly secured before she stared pointedly at him. "Do you remember what I said?"

"Y — Yes! I'm to stay with the squad at all times and listen to their commands!" Eren reaffirmed, fidgeting under the special attention his superior was giving him today. He felt like a child under inspection from his mother. Even though she looked stern, Eren could tell she was rather worried.

"That means I don't want you pissing off and transforming out of blue." Ida took his jacket from a barrel beside her and pushed it to Eren's chest. "I don't care who dies, whether your friend is in trouble or whatever happens, you do not transform or even use your gears unless it's to save your own life. Clear?"

Eren's eyebrows clashed together. "Wouldn't it better if I helped though? I'm quite good with maneuvering, and the legion will need all the help—"

"No. That's an order, Eren," Ida stated harshly, but her features softened when she saw Eren's despondent face.

"Eren..." she murmured in a softer voice after a sigh. "Many of us will not make it back home today, you know that right? It's the inevitable truth, and it's my job to keep my squad safe and it's my responsibility to protect you."

Ida exhaled loudly again when he said nothing. She studied him. Eren saw that her eyes were imploring. "As much as I hate looking after a brat like you, I don't want you to die. Or any of us. So please, I beg you, don't question my orders anymore and just obey them."

Eren's lips pressed together. He said nothing more and merely nodded. It was strange for Ida to speak of her feelings, but it was even stranger for her to plead someone not to protest anymore. Ida was usually more demanding, more insistent. This fact alone scorched every single rebuff the teen had in his throat before it could escape his tongue. Her odd behavior unnerved him.

"Go talk with your friends for a while, you'll be in separate squads. I doubt you'll be able to see them often." Ida threw a weary smile at Eren and patted him on the back. She knew that it could be the last time Eren spoke with them, the mortality rate for first-timers was astoundingly high

She kept her expression indifferent even after she left Eren. She was a veteran soldier; she will not break.

"I double-checked on our supplies," Levi told Erwin when he handed him a form with the checklist. "Everything seems to be in order."

Erwin did a quick scan through the list before he nodded his head. "Then we can proceed as planned. Give the order to advance to the gates. We leave in five minutes."

"Levi," Ida approached him, not sparing so much of a glance at the towering blonde beside him. "I checked on Eren and made sure he knows what to do. The rest are ready to go."

Levi cocked his brow at her, his lips thinning. "Did you—"

"I made sure he asked no more questions," Ida interrupted frostily, already knowing what he was going to ask. She lowered her voice. "The plan will go on… as decided by the higher-ups."

"Alright, let's leave these damned walls then," Levi scowled, making his way to where his horse was.

"Ida." Erwin stopped her before she could follow her Captain. "Can we talk for a while?"

"Is there a need to say anything more?" Ida questioned pointedly with a sharp rise of her brow. She folded her arms and drew herself upright, waiting for him to continue. "What is it?"

"About the strategy we discussed…" Erwin trailed off and frowned as if debating whether to continue. Only when Ida's expression darkened, did he carry on. "...We could use your help with the plan."

He had expected Ida to instantly scowl in disgust, perhaps even lunge for her collar like she did the last time they talked. Her hatred for him was well-known and taken to heart. However, while he knew that Ida could be impetuous and prone to outburst, he placed his bets that she wouldn't do it openly in front of the entire legion. She was intemperate, but she wasn't stupid.

To his surprise, Ida merely trailed her hard glare at him and though their lips were pressed into a grim scowl, she didn't look angry.

"Fine, whatever you need. I'd help out where I can, Levi briefed me already." Her heated stare never left Erwin when she caught his brief look of astonishment. "But just so you know, just because I'm going with a plan like this, doesn't mean I fucking approve of it."

Erwin smiled wryly. "I know."

"Whatever happens today, let it be on your hands." Ida spat hatefully; her words coated with venom. With an irate scoff, she stormed off towards Levi. "I hope you're able to bear the burden, Commander."

He smiled sadly as he watched his daughter's small back before looking down at his hands.

She didn't need to tell him that.

Erwin Smith had carried the burden of his sins ever since he entered the Survey Corps. He was confident that it would not break him. It was almost as easy as breathing to him by now. But to hear his own flesh and blood speak to him as though he was a heartless monster, even someone like him felt his confidence splinter. He felt small needles transfixed themselves in his heart. Her words were like acid dripping onto his skin, encroaching deep into his soul.

His hands slowly clenched together, and Erwin inhaled a deep breath to compose himself. He tilted his head back up, his expression determined, and his resolve firm.

He turned around, barking out orders for someone to fetch him his horse.

It was too late to turn back now.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

You're doing great.

BAM!

"Wh — What's that sound?!" Petra cried in dismay, anxiety thrashing like a vicious tsunami at full force. "It sounds like it's charging towards this direction!"

"There's a black smoke round!" Oluo pointed out. "It's directly behind!"

Ida clenched her teeth, the wind pressing vehemently on her face as she rode beside Levi on her horse. Digging her boots into her horse's rib cage, she charged faster, knowing all too well what was trailing after them. The worst possible scenario had finally arrived for her squad.

The anticipated Titan shifter spy was chasing after them. Erwin's predications were frightening right again.

That's right keep going ahead, you're doing great, Ida chanted again in her head repeatedly like it was a prayer to her. She tightened her grip around her horse's reins, determined to carry out the plan to the finish line. She had already come too far to change her mind and she had tolerated too much.

Ida couldn't even begin to give up now.

Her squad had entered the large forest with Levi leading the way. Everything was going exactly as planned.

"Whatever it is, it's coming towards us on the right!" Eld concluded, his voice straining in anxiousness.

"What the hell is happening?! What is that thing! It's too fast and far too clever to be a Titan!" Oluo gritted his teeth. "Captain, we have yet to get any instructions or recent report from the central flank!"

"We will just keep riding. From now on I'll be taking command," Levi barked, leaving the rest of the squad shocked — shouldn't they be stopping and helping out the rest of the legion with fending off Titans?

"Captain! What about the squad behind us?" Eren screamed over the sounds of hooves trotting on the ground. "It sounds like that thing is headed towards them! They'd be wiped out! We have to help them!"

"Shut the fuck up Eren," Levi instructed, not sparing one glance at the teenager who had ridden up beside him. "My orders are final. We will keep riding."

Eren was horrified. He turned to Ida for support, knowing she was always one to protest, but she said nothing. Ida knew the reasoning behind Levi's decisions, they were just the bait in luring the Titan shifter spy into a trap. But it wasn't the Titan shifter chasing after them that made her uneasy, it was because she could feel the anxiety emanating from her squad. She could feel every bit of their emotions penetrating her soul — their nervousness, their fear, and the unbearable confusion that struck them sick with undeniable doubts.

They were in complete disarray over the last report of the complete wipe-out of their right flank and the minimal amount of explanation they were currently receiving.

"Everyone," Levi called out in a deep voice. He held his handle grips and plugged fresh blades into them. The steel metal gleamed with razor sharpness when he extracted it from his blade box. "Blades at the ready, that something will be here in a moment."

Occasionally, the Captain of the squad threw a fleeting glance at Ida beside him, frowning when he saw her jaw clenched tightly together as she took her blades out in ready.

You are doing great, a voice whispered into her head once again, her frantic beating heart stopped in preparation for the hell she was about to witness.

Loud sprinting thunderous footsteps echoed from behind them, no doubt belonging to a grotesque and immensely huge Titan. Gunther stiffened in fear when he turned to see a skinless distinctively feminine build Titan charging at full speed towards them, her short blonde hair covering her large eyes.

Its intent to kill them was clear.

"Oh shit! What the hell is that?! A mutated type?!" Gunther cursed the hells below them when he realized the Titan possessed intense speed and agility when she dodged a tree. "There's no way we can avoid it in and advance further into the forest!"

Petra's eyes wide with horror at their dilemma. "It's so fast! It's catching up to us!"

Realizing her palms had grown unbearably slick in a cold sweat, Ida clutched her handgrips harder, focusing her line of vision towards the front. She wasn't going to look back, Ida didn't know what she would do if she turned around.

"C — Captain!" Petra pleaded urgently. "Let's switch to our gears! It's dangerous for us to continue on horseback!"

Ida tilted her head slightly, absorbing her partner's stoic countenance — the distinctive frown that never seemed to leave his furrowed brows, the determined narrowed down gaze that made him seem so intimidating, yet, he was cool, calm and composed... and so painfully unlike her.

Ida could tell Levi was processing the best possible solution to their problem. The Female Titan was advancing too fast, something that even Erwin could've never predicted. The dire state that they were in seemed even bleaker than before. There was still a long way before they reached the central squad with their explosive trap, but there was no way they could outrun her on horses.

Were they dropping the plans and fighting instead?

Levi gripped his blade tighter. His muscular body angled towards Female Titan and he lifted his blade up in his usual stance. His gray eyes set on lean muscular Titan approaching. Ida knew that vehement gaze and intimidating posture — Levi was planning on attacking. She found herself gripping onto her blades immediately as well, twisting her body around. She had worked together so many times with Levi that it had become second nature to react immediately with him.

"L — Look The squad behind is backing us up!"

The sounds of the gas mechanism reeling the soldiers towards the Female Titan blended with the constants thumps emitting from the hooves of their sprinting horses and of the thunderous footsteps of the approaching Female Titan.

The backup Survey Corps soldiers maneuvered skillfully with years of training and practice, avoiding the female Titan's grotesque fingers. The squad behind them was composed of some of the most skilled experts in the killing of Titans.

"Kill the Titan!" A member of the squad behind them shouted. "Do not let it break the formation!"

Ida spotted the soldier that was leading them, realizing that he was someone Erwin had deemed trustable. He was aware of the secret plans to capture the Titan Shifter spy. But the members of his squad were fairly new faces, probably knowing nothing about the true mission behind the expedition.

Her eyes expanded when she saw a soldier charging at the Female Titan's nape at full speed mid-air. The horrible realization dawned upon her. Ida shouted a warning with all her might, "W — Wait! Don't approach it like—"

SLAM!

It was too late. Blood squirted out from the space between the bark of the giant trees and the Titan's back when the Female Titan lunged herself towards the swinging soldier, swiftly ending a life in a single smart blow. Ida watched in pure horror, her fingers trembling when the Titan grabbed another soldier by the air and smashed him towards the tree. Crimson blood, the source of life, seemed to have been spilled endlessly from the soldier's intense injuries.

She held back her scream. They could have survived if they knew that the Titan was controlled by a human and possessed intelligence.

Why was all this necessary?

Why did they have to die?

The corpse dropped lifelessly towards the ground, its upper body clothed in blood. Ida caught a glimpse of the lifeless eyes of the corpse, still wide open with pain and shock when gravity pulled it to the ground.

"Ida!" Levi called out to her in a serious voice, snapping her out of her frozen state. "Focus on the mission!"

At his reminder, she clenched her teeth, cursing under her breath, but Ida obeyed his instructions nevertheless.

She looked at Levi, desperately pleading with imploring eyes for an order to attack, but the indifferent man beside her had already put away his blade, solely concentrated on maneuvering through the forest ahead. Ida placed two and two together, realizing that he was planning on using the squad behind them as a distraction in order to hinder the advance of the Female Titan.

"Captain! Give us the order!" Petra pleaded urgently after witnessing the horrific splendor of blood spewing out from her subordinates.

Oluo's blood ran cold at the thought of fighting such an intelligent deviant Titan that easily slaughtered the backup squad. "Let's do it, Captain! She's really dangerous! That's why we came into the forest right?!"

"We must do it now!" Eld urged with his squad through clenched teeth. He pulled his blade in front of him. "I'm gonna turn her into mince-meat!" he promised with vehemence, determination flickering in his eyes.

"Captain! Please give us the order!" Eren joined in their pleas, anxiety clinging into the rookie's every word. "Everyone of them is dying, they can't handle that Titan! We need to help them!"

Ida's heart sank further into her stomach, praying that there was something to distract her from the constant pleas of her comrades. She looked at the rest of her squad with unimaginable guilt, before snapping her head back to the front.

You're doing great… Do not give in…

But the rookie was determined to not give up. Ghastly horrified and scarred by the murderous image that plagued his mind, Eren shouted a desperate plea to his two superior figures once again. "Captain! What are you doing?! Please, give us the order!"

Without a reply from his superior, Eren turned to her, knowing that Ida too, was capable of taking the Titan chasing after them down. "Ida-san! Are you not going to attack?!"

Ida closed her eyes and ignored the teenager.

Just for a few more moments...

"Everyone, plug your ears," Levi commanded in a deadpan, extracting a hidden flare gun from his cloak. He fired the flare gun.

A high-pitched note resonated within the vicinity, sending shivers down Ida's body. Shrill, painful and piercing, she could feel the note pierce deep into her body like the sound was foreboding an impending disaster just silently waiting in the deepest shadows to strike.

"What's your mission again?" Levi's deep voice provided a sense of relief to her ears. "Was it to lose yourself to raging emotions?"

Her breaths hitched when she made brief eye contact with Levi, knowing that his words were also meant as a silent encouragement for her. Levi always saw through her tough façade no matter what. It was as if he could see all of her; her vulnerable state, her inner emotional turmoil, her struggling desperation as she tried to fight her innermost emotions.

In that frozen moment, Ida just had to wonder if Levi struggled to hold back as well.

"That's not what your orders were. The duty this squad was assigned to was to do our damndest to make sure that this piss poor brat wouldn't get a single scratch on him," Levi reminded them direly, gesturing to Eren. Ida was sure she saw a flash of guilt in the depths of his eyes and it stunned her. "…Even if it cost us our lives."

She bit her bottom lip as her mind went flashing back to her last conversation with Levi before they embarked on the expedition.

"No matter how much you think of it, it's not something we can change," Levi slowed his horse down so that they were out of earshot from the rest of the legion. "There's no point in wasting your brain juice on something stupid like that."

He noticed that the uncharacteristically talkative redhead had grown relatively silent throughout the ride to Karanese District, too deep in her thoughts to even notice he was beside her.

Ida hesitated for a moment before she replied, "I know that there's nothing I can do, but no matter how you look at it—"

Levi swiftly cut through her sentence, already knowing what she was going to say. "Everything the Survey Corps does is for the good of mankind. It's practically the reason for our damned existence. You should throw away your stupid doubts, you don't need them."

Sighing in defeat, Ida moved her gaze away as Levi continued, "Did you forget? You aren't a normal person anymore. We're soldiers. When we enlist in the Survey Corps, we're asked if we are willing to give our lives for the sake of humanity. All we have to do is to fulfill our duty, our vow. Even if we are on our way to fucking death in the midst of our battle, it's not our job to think about what is right or wrong. We're soldiers. We obey orders before we decide on any personal feelings."

Lifting her eyes off the ground, Ida looked at the rest of her teammates riding in front of them, their silhouette proud, confident and strong as they rode through the cheering crowd. "But is that what everyone thinks? Can they really obey orders and sacrifice their comrades without a second thought when told to do so?"

"Tch." Levi rolled his emotionless eyes away. "To think that someone like you would doubt your squad after all the time you spent together."

She considered his words deeply. Perhaps he was right, Ida concluded in her mind. Levi was an elite soldier, the ultimate best with countless years of experience in the Survey Corps and perhaps everyone in the legion thought the same way as him. Perhaps she was just thinking too much and complicating matters for herself.

Orders over personal feelings and superiors over the amateurs — this was the curse of being a soldier.

"Captain Levi! Kill some fucking Titans for us!"

"Damn it, these god-damned brats won't ever shut up," Levi hissed under his breath.

Ida watched the cheering crowd in great disdain and displeasure. At first, she had always wondered why Levi was so annoyed with the common folk who came to cheer on them. She couldn't understand why he disliked them showing their support for the Survey Corps.

But after a year of embarking on expeditions, Ida too had come to despise the crowd. She finally understood why Levi detested their shouts of praises and encouragement. They were nothing more than hypocrites who marveled at their courage for going outside the Walls for the good of mankind and then, condemn them for wasting their taxes when they come back after assessing the inevitable high death toll.

The people cowardly living inside the Walls were like caged animals, knowing nothing about the world outside and the horrors the Titan infested land brought, and yet they blamed the Survey Corps for making useless sacrifices.

"Ida, out of all the people left in the world, most are them weaklings and only a handful of them are strong," Levi struck up a conversation after noticing her scowl. "The weak do not want the burden of responsibility so they opt to remain weak and yet, those same piss poor weaklings cry like begging dogs for equality and authority to no fucking end."

Ida clashed her teeth, glaring at the cheering crowd. "They are just disgusting hypocrites."

Levi slowly nodded his head, focusing his listless narrowed down eyes at the crowd. "It's fucked up, isn't it? They wish to have as much authority and opinion even though they are weak and cowardly, even sometimes more so than the strong. They condemn us, revere us, and fear us at the same damn time for doing things that their weak fearful self aren't able to do."

"Those are true nature of pathetic humans and this is why, we the Survey Corps soldiers, will always receive crap," Ida growled. "To think that we are sacrificing our comrades to give these ungrateful bastards freedom makes me sick to the core."

"You might think we are trying to be heroic by sacrificing ourselves to save all of humanity, but there's nothing fucking heroic about it. You will never get used to someone dying…" Levi eyed her from the side before his eyes glazed across the cheering crowd before them. Ida noticed some sort of sadness emanating from him. "These pissing people who hide inside the Walls will never understand the burdens nor of the horror outside the damn huge ass walls."

"They can never empathize with us," Ida mumbled bitterly. She was surprised she found herself agreeing with what Levi was trying to say. "Or understand."

"The only people who can are your fellow soldiers. No one else can never fathom why we sacrifice so much for just a glimmer of real freedom. That's the only damn thing that is keeping the legion, and even our damned squad together." Levi went on emotionlessly. "We are all born free, all of us. Many don't believe it, some even had the balls to try to fucking take it away. We are the few who believe."

Levi turned to face her. "This is what it takes to be a soldier, Ida. To throw away any stupid, petty emotions like fear or guilt. This is the cursed responsibility of the strong," he stated firmly, tilting his head to meet her gaze. "Are you up for the task of being a soldier?"

Ida knew what Levi was silently implying. He was asking if she was willing to throw away her humanity for the better good. "I am…"

His lips were pressed together in a scowl, his eyes were scanning her like he was trying to find a red button to press at or a flicker of doubt in her emerald eyes.

"…I see..." Levi said flatly, riding off to the front lines. "Then come back alive."

She heart stilled as Ida recalled his last question to her and she found herself doubting her answer.

Maybe she wasn't just as ready as she thought she was.

She could feel Levi watching her surreptitiously. Back then, Levi probably believed her, trusting her affirmation that she was ready. But saying was always easier than executing, and Levi probably understood that better than everyone. Ida knew he was observing her secretly from the corner of the eyes during the entire expedition, watching her fight to suppress her emotions; jaw tightened, guilt-ridden eyes and hands trembling, aching to reach for her blades to help her comrades.

Levi scrutinized her as if to assess her mental state, before issuing out his next command to his squad. "We're going to keep advancing on horses, is that clear?"

"Roger that, sir!" Petra shouted back, shocking both Ida and Eren.

Ida's eyes widened, finally understanding what Levi had meant when he said that he was surprised she doubted her squad. Petra and the rest had always laid their faith in their superiors regardless of everything. They would follow orders in a heartbeat. Out here in the Titan-infested lands, trust, faith, and the bond were all they kept them together as a legion. It was the only thing that kept them alive.

Eren thought hard for the reason behind the appalling decision that Levi had made, but the rookie just couldn't understand why the rest of his squad suddenly had a change of heart when they were protesting their Captain's commands just seconds ago. "On horses?! But… how long can we hold?! Not to mention that Titan will catch us soon!"

The sounds of gear's gas mechanism entered the vicinity again, and Ida saw another backup squad fighting to stop the Female Titan from breaking the formation.

"M — More people!" Eren shrieked in horror. "Guys! There's another group of backup! That Titan is special! If we help them right now, together we may stand a chance!"

"Eren, look straight ahead!" Gunther ordered snappily, pushing his horses to go faster. "Shut up and focus!"

"Gunther-san?!" Eren just couldn't believe it, weren't these the strongest soldiers in the Survey Corps? Are they really just standing at the sidelines while their comrades are massacred behind them?

"Stop screwing up the pace! Maintain your fastest running speed!" Eld shouted at the teenager, his teeth clashing together.

"B — But why?!" Eren retorted back, feeling sick to his stomach. "Who is going to stop that Titan if not the Special Operation squad?!"

Ida too, couldn't believe her ears. Everyone was going forward, even if it looked like suicide, and even if it meant leaving their fellow scouts to their death. Levi kept looking ahead, and the others too.

They trust him with their lives.

She turned her head back, just in time to watch the Female Titan slam another soldier right into the bark of the tree. A lump formed in her throat, the bile from her empty stomach reaching up to the back of her mouth in horror.

Another insignificant life lost, another family to shed tears of despair…

"Another person has just lost his life! There's a chance we could've saved him!" Eren was screaming in frustration at this point, desperately trying to reach out to his comrades. "The other one is still fighting courageously — if we go right now, we can make it in time!"

"Eren!" Ida finally snapped, tears starting to sting her eyes. "Look only in front of you and keep moving, listen to fucking orders! Did you forget what I told you before we left the Walls?! What did you promise me?!"

"Are you telling me to just close my eyes to the desperate battle happening behind us?!" Eren couldn't believe what Ida had said, and to think she was the one who told him before they left that she didn't want to see anyone die. "Are you asking me to leave my comrades to die and run for my life, is that it?!"

Please Eren… don't make me hate myself more than I do.

"Yes!" Ida's voice cracked, a pool of blood forming in her lower lip when she bit down too hard. She clamped her eyes shut and looked in front. She could already feel the intense guilt digging deep into her soul. "That is precisely what I'm asking you to do, so shut the hell the up and obey your superiors' orders!"

The truth was, Ida was deeply envious of him. Envious that Eren, at the age of fifteen, valued his humanity more than anything else. He was strong enough to go against the legion's inhumane actions and question it. Her heart twisted and turned at that thought, and the hatred for her weak self growing deeper at how Eren was much more courageous than she was.

Eren almost lost it at this point. "I don't get why we must let our comrades die! And I also don't get why you're not telling me the reason behind your unwillingness to help them! Why?!"

"Because our Captain had judged it's not something he should explain, that's why! You don't get it cause you're still a sucker and now that you know this, shut the hell up and obey!" Oluo's outburst left Eren stunned — he had never seen him this serious.

A loud shrill scream erupted from the entrapped soldier behind them as the Female Titan clenched hard into his body and threw him into a tree.

Another life lost…

…Forgive me.

Ida shut her eyes, the tears she had fought so hard to keep back spilling.

"What are you doing?! Eren!" Petra's voice shouted from behind, bringing both Levi and Ida attention to him. "You're only allowed to do that when you're life is in danger! You promised us!"

Despite Petra's warning, Eren still had his mouth at his hand, ready to transform at the very moment.

"Eren!" Ida screeched, horrified. "Don't you dare—"

"Let him do what he wants," Levi coolly interjected, before addressing the boy. "Eren, the difference between our decisions and yours is experience. But you don't have to rely on that. Choose — believe in yourself or believe in the Survey Corps and me."

Eren seemed to have pondered over what Levi had said, but when his mouth advanced towards his hand again, Petra called out to him. "Eren!" she pleaded. "Please, put your faith in us."

He absorbed her pleading expression and Eren slowly moved his hand away from his mouth. "I will go forward!" he announced as if it were to affix the decision in his mind.

Ida felt a sense of relief wash over her, but Eren's hasty decision just from Petra's asking him to trust in them was hard for her to swallow. It wasn't too long ago, Levi had asked her to put her faith in her squad. Eren had come to terms with his decision easily and Ida couldn't help feel a sense of disgust for herself when she realized that she — who had been in the legion for over a year — did not even have a single ounce of faith in anyone save herself.

She did not even trust her own squad members.

"Keep running as fast as you can!" Levi's firm voice pierced the air. "Full speed ahead!"

That's right. I have to keep going. Further and further, hand in hand with people I trust.

She lashed her reins on her horse, sprinting as fast as she could. A lone diamond tear of atonement streamed down her cheek.

"FIRE!"

Loud explosions erupted in all directions. Razor-sharp steel spears emerged from the dense vegetation of the forest and pierced the Female Titan body in a flash, immobilizing her joints. Ida felt all her guilt transform into a rage in that explosion. Her emerald eyes were shimmering in vicious anger as she glared at the trapped Female Titan.

Finally, it was over.

"Eh!?" Eren gasped, taking a moment to take in everything that had happened.

"Tether up the horses up ahead and then switch to your gears," Levi ordered, sounding just composed as ever. His voice immediately calmed his frenzied squad and he assigned them roles. "This time I'll be taking action separately from the rest of you, I'm leaving Ida in command of the squad. Your main priority is to protect Eren."

Levi launched his grapple into a tree, launching himself mid-air. "Keep a safe distance away from the Titan and hide Eren."

He didn't wait for a reply before he reeled himself towards the direction of the smoke explosion behind them.

"Eld, you take charge. I'm going with Levi too."

"W — Wait!" Eld stopped her in a panic. "Captain told you to stay here!"

"They will need me more over there than here. There are hardly any Titans in this dense vegetation. Eren is safe here," Ida explained and Eld found some sense in her explanation. "Can I leave it to you guys? I trust you guys can handle without me."

"B — But…" Oluo stammered in protest. He knew that Ida was one of their best soldiers and her presence would be greatly needed should anything happen, but he was cut off by Petra.

"Oluo, she's right. I think we can keep Eren safe, plus there are hardly any Titans," Petra said before turning to Ida. "Stay safe!"

"You too!" Ida shouted back, immediately launching herself mid-air to keep up with her partner.

Levi scowled when he saw a flash of fiery red hair and the sounds of the gears operating behind him.

"Didn't I order you to stay with the squad?" Levi snapped angrily. "We need you to protect Eren."

"You think I am going to let that cunt go unscathed after what she did? After all the people she killed?" Ida retorted back with a sharp voice, rage blinding her. She tightened her hands around her handles of her blades. "I'll kill her with my bare hands if I have to."

Levi frowned deeply, looking back at the road in front of him. He completely understood her rage. He too, couldn't wait to get his hands on the Female Titan in revenge for killing his subordinates. "What about Eren?" he asked in a deadpan. "You know the main reason why I left you there, you're more than capable of protecting him and the squad should anything happen."

"The rest of the squad can take care of him," Ida said. The fierce wind pressed against her cheek as she sped through the tall trees beside him. "I trust and believe them, Levi. I believe in their decisions and their capabilities. They will be safe."

"Fine." Levi agreed, staring straight ahead. "I trust your decision."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

She panted heavily. Her heart was furiously pounding onto her rib cage to keep up the flow of oxygen.

"There's no end to them!" Ida huffed in annoyance, landing on the branch, blades in hand beside her Commander after he gave the signal to retreat. "You fucking miscalculated Erwin! To think what lengths that stupid bitch would go to when cornered!"

Even after Ida and Levi had so desperately tried again to break through the Female Titan's crystallized harden skin, they were only left with depressing results and broken blades. To add on to their failure, the worst possible scenario had arrived for the Survey Corps when a large amount of Titans charged to devour the Female Titan after her cornered cry in a last attempt to break free.

Heavy white steam clouded the area of the Titan infested area before them. Erwin sighed deeply, watching the scene. "Getting Titans to devour her to prevent us from extracting information from her," he concluded in an abyssal tone. "It seems she has the power to attract Titans with her cry. It's was a suicidal move, but it worked."

"What a fucking mess… and right after my taunting words too. Havoc all around and no benefit for us whatsoever." Levi landed beside Ida, wiping blood off his cheek. "I wonder what those military bastards would do to Eren and us when we nonchalantly come back after a piss poor failure like this."

"We will think about it after we have returned," Erwin said sedately. "At the moment, we must concentrate on returning safely without suffering any more damages."

"What?!" Ida snapped her incredulous eyes to Erwin. "Then what about all those sacrifices that our subordinates made to stall that little bitch! Do you know how many people she killed just to get to us?! Are they all meaningless deaths?! We can't just go back to the Walls like that!"

"Calm down." Levi held her back by her wrist when it looked like she was about to get violent. "There's nothing we can fucking do. Even Erwin was not certain in the success of the plan. For now, we have to get back to our squad and leave this damn place."

Gritting her teeth, Ida turned her head away, figuring no good will come out of arguing in a dire moment like this. "Fine, let's go."

"Wait." Erwin suddenly called out, his brows clashing together in a furrow like he was deep in thought. "Go refill your gas tank and get new swords."

Levi halted in his steps and frowned at his command. "We're hard-pressed for time as it is, Erwin. I think we can still hold out with what we have left. Why waste any more damn time resupplying?"

Erwin commanded back sharply, "It's an order. Do it."

"We have to get back to our squad," Ida stepped in with hate-filled eyes. "Are you going to use us as bait in distracting the Titans now too?"

"Fine understood, Erwin," Levi muttered beside her. Ida snapped her head back to retort but was immediately shut up by a fierce glower from her Captain. "I will trust your judgment on this one."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

She picked up new razor-sharp blades from the deserted supply wagons. Ida tried to insert them into her empty blade carrier, but she was so frustrated that she couldn't even aim properly.

"Goddamn it!" Ida cursed. Letting her aggravation get the better of her, she threw the blades to the ground and they landed in a loud clank.

Levi didn't even turn to acknowledge her as he calmly inserted new blades into his carrier. "What?"

"All those meaningless deaths. For nothing!" Ida ranted after the depressing results of their mission sank into her. She hissed irritably, running her hands through her hair. She took a moment to calm herself and picked up the new blades she threw, resupplying her carrier. "Just what the hell are we fighting for? Did we, no, did I even make the right choice in following this damn suicidal mission?"

"I don't know," Levi replied plainly, tossing her a fresh tank of gas. "I told you before, didn't I? I don't know if your decisions are right or wrong. No matter what kind of wisdom dictates the option you should pick. No one will be able to tell if it's right or wrong till you arrive at some sort of outcome resulting from your choice. The only thing we are allowed to do is believe that we won't regret the choices we made."

There was something else to Levi's aggressive and blunt demeanor as he made his statement, some sort of pain underneath the coldness of his eyes, Ida realized. How odd. Why didn't she notice this before? Levi had been hurt before. Storing that thought in her mind, Ida made it a point to ask him about it later.

She allowed another long sigh to escape her. "Hah. Guess, I know the outcome now. I should've trusted my judgment when I said the mission shouldn't even have taken place in the first place," Ida replied in her customary bitterness. "I thought capturing that bitch would at least ease my conscience, but not only did we lose her, but our death toll is also massive."

"There isn't time for regrets now, we've to get back to our squad." Levi reminded her sharply. Sighing audibly, he lowered his voice when he saw her dejected state. "You did well today…"

Ida gave him a weary smile, locking the gas tank securely on her straps. "To be honest, I never expected Eld and the rest would've so much faith in the legion and you… Even Eren for that matter. To even go as far as to obey orders to abandon their struggling comrades without an explanation..."

Levi snorted before giving her a sarcastic reply. "Who would have thought?"

"I guess I'm still an amateur after all," Ida mumbled in a dull tone, turning her head away from him. "…I couldn't even trust in my legion or put my faith into my squad even when I know the reason behind the orders. Though the mission was a failure, I get what you're saying now — about having trust in your squad. It was the only thing that truly kept us together out there. If any of them had acted on their own and disobeyed orders, they might've been killed. Our trust is what keeps us alive."

Levi took out his handkerchief to wipe down his blade holders. "It's to be expected from a brat like you to realize only now," he grumbled irritably, but it sounded more like a tease instead. Ida smiled softly, knowing it was a comment that was not meant to offend.

"Maybe that's why… But..." Ida took her eyes off the floor and focused on Levi. "...starting today, I'm going to trust in my squad fully. I'm going to put my faith in the legion."

Levi eyed on her curiously. But just as he opened his mouth to speak, a loud thunderous roar erupted from the forest. It took Ida just one look on Levi's distorted face to fully understand who that roar belonged to — Eren Yeager.

Something had happened to their squad.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

A field of corpses greeted them, telling a tragic story that took place not long ago. The temperature around the forest was a numbing cold despite the heat from the late afternoon sun rays. It was so cold that it made Ida want to shudder in despair. The air was eerily still, pure silence. It almost resembled the fallen comrades who had only recently rested here, dead, the light behind their eyes long gone.

Gunther greeted them first, not by his usual wave and the cheerful tone that he always had when he saw them. He hung by the tree branch lifelessly by his attached grapple, the fresh warm blood still dripping from the devastating blow on the nape of his neck that caused instant death. His eyes were pale, mouth slightly agape, the last words never leaving his lips.

Her stomach curdled in pain. It felt like her heart had been clenched tightly by someone. She forced herself to carry on forward. Her companion beside her countenance was as impassive as ever, but an inner turmoil raged in his heart.

You're doing great… Ida chanted in her head.

Eld greeted them second, not by his usual slight look of disdain he had always shown her or the great amount of reverence and respect he had for his elite Captain. His narrowed down eyes were now wide, empty and soulless, the light of life long gone with the rip of the lower half of his body. Blood splattered gruesomely over his disfigured corpse. His hands were still gripping around his blades — the proof of a fallen soldier that died in battle.

Her beating heart fell to the bottomless pits of her stomach. She couldn't breathe. It was so hard to breathe, but still, Ida forced herself to carry on forward with every ounce of strength she had left.

She had to stay strong; they would have wanted her to stay strong.

That's right, keep on going…

Oluo came forward next, uncharacteristically silent and bloodied from the hard impact that crushed his ribcage. She missed the usual cocky smile he had always displayed, the constant blabbering of his greatness and his usual failed imitation of Levi. He laid lifelessly on the tall grass blowing in the wind, never to rise again. Silence just didn't fit her teammate… He used to be much more talkative, so talkative that he would bite his tongue all the time…

Her fingers started shuddering in despair. The dire situation was finally making its impact within her petite body as the tragic reality sunk in. Her companion beside her merely gazed at the scene before them, devoid of any emotions even when he spotted their final comrade in a distance not too far from Oluo.

Be strong…

Petra. Sweet dear Petra was the last to meet them. The warmness of her usual smile wiped out completely from her face, replaced with nothing but despair, sorrows and the lingering attachment of fear and horror; her final emotions before her tragic death. Her gruesome corpse was still propped up against the bark of the tree, telling the silent story of her untimely death — a death that had taken her too soon.

"Starting today, I'm going to trust in my squad fully. I'm going to put my faith in the legion."

Too much. It was too much for Ida to take. The words ran through her head like a torn-page from some book. No matter how she tried to block the images from her mind, the tragic scene was right in front of her eyes — her silent reunion with her squad without words.

Even after all this time, Ida Starke was still weak and emotional. If only all the people that knew her could see her now, behind the tough exterior she had labored to build... When broken down, Ida knew that she was still the same as ever. Weak and emotional. A mixed bag of depression and tears… In a never-ending nightmare with unspoken words and time-binding pain.

Losing control of her balance, Ida allowed herself to fall the ground, struggling to land on the branch above Petra's body. Her knees felt weak when she landed, causing her to tumble over into a kneeling position.

Why…

Why is this happening…?

She trusted they would be safe, believed in their experience and capabilities as a soldier. Ida had truly believed they could have handled themselves. She had seen them fight before, they were Titan killers in their own right, so why was this happening?

This... This was what her faith had led her to.

And it was that very fact that was proving to be a nightmare for her.

She heard the soft thumps of boots landing beside her. Levi looked on impassively at the gruesome massacre with an indescribable expression on his face. His eyes were blank and empty. The tension between the two continued to build, adding layers and layers that would eventually have to be destroyed.

"Ah…" Ida dug her fingernails into her chest, clutching the area above her heart. An overdue bomb finally detonated in her chest, spreading intense agony throughout her trembling body. The hurtful reality finally sunk into her.

Pain, guilt, resentment, horror; they came crashing into her mercilessly like a raging tsunami at once.

Her comrades... her friends... they were all dead.

Ida gasped, wheezed, clenched, but it just wouldn't come out. The tears just wouldn't erupt from her eyes. She told herself she had to show some form of repentance and grief, but she couldn't. All she could think about was the shocking pain, the agonizing pain that was paralyzing her to the ground, and keeping her from breathing. The shock of her comrades' sudden deaths kept her from developing any other emotions.

And it hurt so badly that Ida felt that she had died along with them.

A warm hand suddenly grabbed her hand, pulling her roughly to snap her out of her frozen state. "Stand up," Levi commanded firmly. His voice was strained, almost as if he had been screaming for the past hour. "Ida, stand up."

"L — Levi…" Her body shook vigorously. Her breathing hitched like she had forgotten the way to breathe. Upon noticing this, Levi tightened his grip around her shivering hands.

"Don't lose focus of the main objective, hold my hand and get up," he managed to pull his dry lips apart to speak, his voice quiet yet still deep and commanding.

"P — Petra… Ol — Oluo… Gunther… Eld…" Ida mumbled on incoherently, her shifting shock-filled eyes moving back and forth their lifeless bodies. She didn't want to believe it. Ida was slowly falling into denial. "They are…."

Levi gritted his teeth, his eyes growing darker and more empty. "Dead."

Her heart abruptly stopped at his firm confirmation, suddenly feeling her consciousness slipping from her. But another sudden tighter grip on her hand brought forth a sense of warmness and reassurance to her as if reminding her that she still had someone there.

"Not now, Ida. Store it all away, lock everything you're feeling away," Levi instructed stiffly in a voice devoid of any emotions, lifeless just like the comrades that lay around them. "We have to leave now."

But how could she leave? How could she just abandon her comrades, her friends, the people that died because she left them behind? How she could leave when she foolishly believed that they could protect themselves while she went on a quest to sate her thirst for revenge?

A sudden piercing roar of agony caught their attention, a dire reminder of the mountain of hardship that they still had to endure in the road in front of them. Eren was still out there, the Female Titan was still out there.

"Get up on your feet," Levi commanded, more sternly this time. The birds scrambled into the sky from the left side of the tall dense forest, petrified of the fierce battle ensuing in the forest. Levi's cold gaze was dark, pure hollow emptiness completely filling his gray eyes. "Ida."

At his urging, she gritted her teeth and Ida squeezed his hand in her grasp tightly. She allowed him to pull her back to her feet.

"Let's go…" she murmured in a collected voice, so composed that it even astounded herself. "We have to get back Eren…"

Ida couldn't let the Female Titan take away Eren who her squad had fought to their death to keep safe. She had to put her feelings aside, her mission and duty came first.

They couldn't afford to grieve for the fallen now.

They were soldiers, Survey Corps soldiers to be exact. This was the burden that they carry, the heavy responsibility the strong must bear no matter what.

She knew that she had to carry out the will of her dead comrades and to protect the cause that they died for.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Levi watched her pain multiply right in front of him and evolve into a whole other level of despair. He knew that sooner or later, she was going to break, but he didn't know how bad it was going to be. Ida was never good at coping with death, what's worst was that this time it was the death of her squad.

He didn't know if he should feel a little proud of her behavior. Ida had skillfully assisted him during their battle back for Eren. Her head was cleared of her troubling emotions, her eyes vivid with nothing but rage and pure determination as she slashed with utmost prowess at the Female Titan. But after that, Levi watched her strong façade crumble with every passing second and she hadn't spoken a word since they arrived back to the camp with Eren.

Ida walked aimlessly through the temporary camp that the legion had made. The rest of their shriveled sorrowful company scrambled on their horses to pick up any corpses of fallen from the forest. Levi watched in silence from where he was. He observed that Ida couldn't peel her eyes off the bodies of her comrades that were laid out in a strategic straight line.

Around her, the rest of the soldiers were casting their eyes to the ground or listlessly looking out for approaching Titans. No doubt they were silently grieving and mulling over their fallen comrades and their mission... a mission that had failed in a short span of four hours.

It was taking the legion far longer than anticipated to gather up all the bodies. Too much blood was shed on this day and too many subordinates were killed.

"Captain..." Mikasa muttered from beside the cart, earning a hard look from him.

"How is he?" Levi tore his focus away from the stumbling redhead and back to the unconscious boy lying in the empty cart beside him.

"Fine…" Mikasa mumbled, grabbing the blanket and bringing it up to Eren's chin. She thanked the heavens that Eren was alive. Tears of gratitude were shimmering in her eyes. "He's knocked out now, but his injuries weren't severe…"

Mikasa paused, biting onto her lips. She felt guilty for her slip-up just now. She wouldn't even be alive now if it wasn't for Levi's interference. "Your leg… You should get it treated."

"It's fine," Levi replied plainly, the sudden reminder of his injury made him conscious of the intense pain throbbing in his left leg. He knew it needed medical attention immediately, but he was much too busy looking out for Ida than to care about that now.

Mikasa followed his gaze, pinning it on Ida. She was standing as still as a statue with a frozen mask on her face. She was staring at the wrapped up corpses before her. "Starke... She was injured too, wasn't she? She hit her head pretty hard from the impact just now, she should get treated too."

Levi said nothing, his steel-gray eyes still locked on Ida.

Fresh blood heavily coated the side of her face, trickling down from the wound on her head. Levi had expected her to lose her consciousness when she received the immense impact on her head when the Female Titan managed to land a blow on her, but somehow, Ida had managed to hold onto her consciousness.

"Thank you… For saving me, Captain..." Mikasa tore her eyes away from Ida and back to a sleeping Eren. She felt guilt intensify inside her, berating herself for allowing her emotions to cloud her judgment, making that fatal error of going for the Female Titan's nape. "…You should go to her now. I'll stay with him."

Seeing the melancholy look on Ida's face made Mikasa realize that even the strongest had no shame in eliciting emotions. She had witnessed first hand the battle prowess of the two strongest soldiers in the legion and was stricken in awe at their confidence and skills, but upon arriving back at the camp, they were nothing different from the soldiers surrounding them; depressed and severely dejected over their failed mission and their fallen comrades.

Out of the whole surviving race, the members of the Survey Corps were the ones who saw the most deaths, but for someone like Ida — who possessed such frightening power — to act up like that, Mikasa deduced that something must have happened to the rest of the Special Operation squad.

Ida could feel the blood hardening under the sunlight drying her face and arms. Her boots were covered in dried blood and dirt, the heavy gears that clung around her waist felt immensely heavy. Her emerald eyes glinted underneath the sun as she stared at the corpses of her fallen subordinates.

Would they have lived if I had stayed behind? If I hadn't had gone after the Female Titan?

Her eyes were focused on the wrapped up corpses as she contemplated the glaringly obvious answer to her question. Though Ida knew that she was never one to put her trust and faith in her squad, she knew that she believed in herself — in her own power and strength.

So, why the hell didn't she stay behind?

Her legs were stiff, but Ida forced them to bend so she could touch the fabric that covered her friends, her family. Cold, she thought. Even the blood of her friends that had stained the fabric had gone cold.

A soldier lives wearing a shroud at all times… Our uniforms… Are nothing but our shrouds...

"Ida."

Lifeless emerald eyes moved to greet the person who had said her name. Levi frowned upon seeing her crouched to the ground, extending a proffered hand up to lift her up. But Ida got off the ground by herself, ignoring the hand extended out in front of her and walked away, her silhouette grim and sorrowful. Levi grimaced at her dismissive action, before following her.

"We're almost done, sir." A passing soldier handed the report over to Erwin. "There were a few casualties we couldn't recover, not even parts of them."

"Why is that?" Erwin questioned calmly.

"We couldn't get close enough because of the Titans still there. But… they were eaten so badly, it's probably best for the families if we don't bring them back."

Pausing in her tracks, Ida turned her emotionless gaze towards her Commander and the soldier, eavesdropping in their conversation.

Erwin scanned the report for a moment, his expression contorting before passing it back. "Report them as missing."

"Yes sir," The soldier dutifully replied. "We've sighted several Titans near the forest, but for now, none are headed in our direction yet."

"We're moving out now, inform the squads," Erwin commanded grimly, turning his heel. "We've spent too much time here already."

"I refuse to accept this Commander Erwin!" Dieter stepped forward, calling out to the retreating commander and bluntly ignoring his friends' efforts to calm him down. Ida recognized him, he was one of the new recruits that they took in last year. "Ivan's body was right in front of us!"

The soldier next to Erwin immediately chided Dieter for his rude outburst. "There was a Titan right next to him! We could just end up losing someone else if they attacked us!"

"We can take them out! Ivan and I are childhood friends from the same village! I know his parents! If nothing else, I'd at least like to bring him home!" Dieter persisted with his attempts to reach out to the Commander in hopes for a change in command.

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Levi stepped out from behind the boulder along with Ida. "If you confirmed he's dead, that's enough. Whether or not you have a body, it doesn't change a damned thing."

"We will say Ivan and the others are missing," Erwin issued his firm orders, beckoning Levi to follow him. The Captain frowned and obliged. "That's my final decision, leave it at that."

"D — Do any of you possess any human feelings at all?!" Dieter angrily screamed at his retreating superiors, threatening tears welling up in his eyes.

"Human feelings...?"

"Ida Starke…" Dieter and his friend turned around, surprised that the aloof elite soldier known for her solitary nature would even spark a conversation with them. He gasped and lunged towards her, grabbing her shoulders. "Please! You could convince the Commander!"

She swayed lifelessly when he grabbed her. Ida spoke in a monotone, but a small wry smile played on her lips. "Ivan… Was he your good friend…?"

"Y — Yes… We entered the trainee camp together and aspired to be Survey Corps soldiers… B — But if I knew that the Survey Corps was this heartless, I would've given up my dream of fighting for humanity's freedom and joined the Garrison instead!" he admitted, tears pouring out from his eyes. "Ivan... followed me to the Survey Corps..."

"Stop it, Dieter, it's useless." His friend tried to dissuade him from saying any more. "It's impractical to try to get Ivan's body back, stop bothering her."

"How did he die?" Ida inquired stoically, her voice soft.

Dieter was taken back by her question. "...I don't know how he died, Ivan got separated from the rest of the squad… Even if I didn't witness his final moments, the least I can do is bring him home!"

Ida chuckled lowly, averting her blank eyes back the corpses of her comrades.

"It must be nice… being so skilled and strong…" Dieter muttered softly, rubbing his wet eyes as his friend placed a comforting hand on his trembling shoulders. "You get to protect your comrades… you don't know what it is like to lose a dear friend… I was too weak and afraid to find Ivan when we realized he was missing. I stayed with my squad like a coward, and because of my incompetence, he is dead…!"

"P — Please…" Dieter begged, his voice cracking. He fell to his knees in front of her. "Help me get Ivan back…"

Ida watched the grown man on his knees burst into tears in front of her, her expression completely blank.

She wondered if he knew she was experiencing the same emotional turmoil as he is. Regret for his choices was so prominent in the way he grieved, but though Ida was in a similar situation as him, she couldn't express it in the same way as him.

So why couldn't she be like that? Why couldn't she show emotions openly? Why couldn't she cry? She wanted so desperately to cry, to mourn, to grieve, to shatter even...

So why...?

Why couldn't she be more… human...?

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Levi was worried, immensely worried in fact. He couldn't take his mind off Ida's pained figure. He was plagued with nothing but worries for his unseen partner as he rode on the front lines beside Erwin. Levi assumed that she wanted some time alone when she had shrugged him off, but he was beginning to regret his decision to give her some space when he realized he couldn't find her anywhere in the formation no matter how hard he tried.

Fucking troublesome brat, he cursed inwardly. Where the hell is she?

The sound of flare guns erupting caught his attention and pulled him out from his train of thoughts. Immediately a soldier shouted out a report, "The rearguard has sighted Titans!"

Erwin's expression contorted when he issued out his orders. "Full speed ahead!"

"I don't see any tall trees or buildings, it will be difficult to fight here. We are better off trying to outrun them to the Walls." Levi concluded sharply, tugging on the reins of his horse to slow down so that he could go to the rears guards to attend to the panicking soldiers. "Erwin, I'll go check out on the situation behind!"

"Go!" Erwin shouted back, approving his decision.

"Captain Levi!" A soldier guarding the cart where all the corpses were held at shouted when he saw him approaching. "They are going to catch us! We will have to fight! I'll circle behind it! When I draw their attention—"

"No!" Levi ordered strictly, noticing the fast approaching Titans behind them. Too many, he concluded, there was no way the legion could kill that many without suffering casualties. He clenched his jaw in disdain and issued out his firm order. "Just dump the corpses. Otherwise, they will catch us."

"W — What?!"

"On past expeditions, dozens of bodies never made it back. These guys are no different," Levi reminded him, averting his eyes towards the massive horde of Titans approaching from every direction His eyes widened in shock when he something moving in incredible speed within the Titans, a flash of red whirling in the air.

"Ida?! Why the fuck is she there?!"

"S — She went to retrieve Ivan's body with Dieter! I think Titans followed them here!" A soldier, who Levi recognized as Dieter's friend admitted. "I wanted to stop them, but…"

Levi cursed under his breath, becoming greatly aware that he was unable to fight because of the leg injury he has sustained during his battle with the Female Titan. "Fuck!"

Ida knew that the gears had limited functionally in open areas, but still, she disregarded her better judgment that the best option was to run and continued on her mission to halt the advancing Titan horde.

It was her fault the Titans followed them here to the rest of the legion after all. Even if she had taken precautions when she went to retrieve Ivan's body with Dieter, she had disregarded to consider Dieter as an accomplice in her plan as well. By then it was all too late when he panicked upon spotting a nearby Titan and screamed, attracting Titans from all around before getting on a horse, sprinting away to the safety of the legion, ultimately abandoning his plan to retrieve Ivan and leaving Ida behind to deal with the aftermath.

She tried desperately to halt the advancement of the Titan horde to the legion and tried to call out to Dieter to stop, but the frightened boy wouldn't listen.

"Dieter!" His friend called out to him when he saw he was approaching with his horse. "What the hell did you do!"

"I — I…" Dieter tried to explain himself, but he couldn't. "I — I was so afraid…"

Levi immediately put two and two together. He had a sound mind to beat Dieter senseless for abandoning his comrade but the situation prevented him from doing so.

He cursed when he realized that Ida was going to continue to fend off the Titans. There was no way she could take on that many Titans in an open area, no matter how skilled she was. Levi was experienced enough to know that she would've run out of blades and gas before killing them all.

Levi watched in absolute horror, wondering if the death of her comrades had driven Ida into a state of despair that she couldn't even think straight. "Dump the bodies and go at full speed!"

He turned to Mikasa nearby. "Ackerman, go to Ida and tell her to retreat!"

Mikasa hurriedly steered her horse around. Reeling herself with gas mechanism, she skillfully launched herself forward towards the Titan that Ida was currently trying to hold off. "Starke! There is an order for you to retreat!"

"They would catch up with the legion if we just leave them! The carts are full!" Ida hollered back, spinning around gracefully, creating lethal slashes on the nape before falling back the ground.

Ida had managed to kill off all the nearby Titans around them, but another horde was approaching in the near distance.

"We are dumping the bodies and outrunning them to the wall!" Mikasa explained quickly, landing beside her and mounting back on her horse.

"What?!" Horrified and appalled by the thought, Ida turned to the retreating legion to confirm the information.

She watched in helpless dismay when she saw that the soldiers were busy throwing the bodies to lighten the cart's loads. Something cracked in her when she recognized a mop of ginger hair that appeared from one of the dumped bodies.

The bodies of her fallen comrades. Petra Ral.

"No!"

In a panic, Ida ran towards the abandoned bodies. Reaching to the body of Petra, she picked it up and slung it over her shoulder. Then she proceeded to move to the next body, determined that there were all going home together.

"Ida!" Levi came sprinting on his horse towards her with an extra horse. He eyed on the next wave of Titans approaching and cursed inwardly. "Ackerman, go on first!"

Mikasa nodded and fled to the legion at full speed. Meanwhile, Levi focused his attention on Ida. "What the fuck are you doing?! They are catching up! Leave the fucking bodies and retreat at full speed!"

"W — What are you saying?! These are our comrades! We can't just leave them here!" Ida argued back, suddenly falling into a state of panic when she realized that she could only run with one corpse at a time. "I — I will stall them… L — Levi please take the b — bodies… we must bring them back—"

She tried to hand Petra's body over to him, but Levi just wouldn't budge.

"There is no fucking choice!" Levi swiftly cut across her pleas. He could hear the thundering footsteps of the fast-approaching horde of Titans getting louder. Turning around quickly, he saw that the legion was already far ahead.

They were caught in between the legion and the approaching Titan horde.

"We have to go!" Levi screamed at her, tossing the reins of the extra horse he brought to her.

"B — But!" Ida stuttered, shocked at the turn of events.

Ida just wanted to help him, to help Dieter retrieve back his friend, to protect the comrades with her skills…. But never in her worst nightmare could she had expected things to turn out like this.

"Ida! We have to go!" Levi reminded her harshly once again, finally losing his composure. "What would our squad want you to do?! They would want to fucking get your ass out of here! I don't want to fucking lose you too!"

Ida felt her heart drop and it was at that moment she understood that Levi was not going to leave her behind. Jolted by the memory of Levi's sprained ankle, she felt her blood still when she realized she was putting his life at risk.

He couldn't fight.

She could lose him too.

"Ida!"

But as Ida dropped the body of Petra off her shoulders and took the horse's reins that Levi was urging her to take, she felt her sanity shatter to a completely different level.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

The place felt different. She observed the atmosphere plaguing the legion as they made a quick stop to rest the horses and to check on the direction they were heading. Everyone's state was either mortified, depressed, or both over the loss of the bodies of their fallen comrades.

Not a single one of their fallen subordinates were in their carts, they were all abandoned.

And it was all her fault.

Her fault for wanting to feel better about herself, her fault for wanting to do something good with her skills as a form of repentance, her fault for foolishly making the decision to help Dieter because she allowed her emotions to get the better of her again.

It was all her fucking fault.

Just how many more mistakes was she going to make?

Her black soul whispered in her ears and Ida allowed it to berate her; 'How long are you going to remain weak, Ida? No one can depend on you. Everyone around you dies. You're the harbinger of death.'

The item nestled in her palms felt heavier and heavier as if reminding her of its constant presence, but it provided a sense of warmness. She stared at the item. It was the last thing that her fallen squad had given to her — the present Petra passed to her a day before the expedition. As she looked at the pink sachet still tied together with a red ribbon, it only reminded her of her dire mistakes that brought along a wave of devastating consequences.

"What is that?" Levi's deadpan voice suddenly entered the vicinity. Ida was so engrossed in her depressing train of thoughts that she didn't even notice he was standing in front of her, arms crossed, his visage hard as stone as he looked at her.

Ida moved her gaze back to the ground. She was sitting on a low rock in an endless field of grass. At the moment, she couldn't stand to see him but she replied nonetheless. "…A present… From the squad…."

"Have you opened it?" Levi squatted in front of her, leveling his gaze with her.

She shook her head numbly. Ida pulled off the red ribbon that secured the present contents. Her fingers were trembling as if they had touched despair. "…Sweets..." Ida mumbled with hooded eyes and a sad smile when she opened the sachet, revealing her favorite peppermint candy that her squad knew she loved. "...They got me sweets…"

Levi breathed out heavily and reached out for her hand. He grabbed it and placing four bloodied Survey Corp emblem in her palms, taken from their comrades uniform. "This… proves that they were alive… to me at least…"

"…I…"

Her words died at the back of her throat. It was painful to even speak now. Her throat was so dry. It was so, so dry. She stared at the bloodstained patchwork wings, remembering how much she hated it, but now, it was a sight she relished in.

Petra, Oluo, Gunther, Eld...

Levi kept his eyes on Ida when she spoke. He waited for her to continue but she never did, nor did she move. He realized she was paralyzed in shock. It looked as if she was forcing her eyes to push back the tears; like it was a natural reaction for her to do so.

He exhaled audibly. Levi grabbed a sweet from her opened sachet and stuffed them into her slightly agape mouth. "Sweets make cheer you up, doesn't it…?"

His gesture forced Ida to look at him. She met with his eyes directly for the first time since that incident back on the field. Ida had forgotten just how haunting his eyes were, even the bags underneath his eyes were darker. Underneath the sunset, he looked so much older than he was supposed to. It was probably because of the worry and concern that made his face look so solemn.

"...It's sweet…"

She gasped when she finally gave in to the oppressing memories, allowing it to swallow her whole. Ida moaned, biting her bottom lip in resentment. She grabbed her emblem and the sachet in pain. The hot pain shot up her lower back and then twisted around to her heart. And finally, the hot, stinging tears finally came — after hours of witnessing her comrades' death — they finally spilled out of her eyes.

The tears continued to run down her cheeks. The acidic smell of blood clung to her like perfume. Her mind was completely distorted and one-way. Ida finally gave into the depths of her despair.

"…It's very… sweet…" Ida managed to mumble out incoherently through hiccups and tears, bending forward and clutching the items into her chest.

Her memories with her squad were sweet…

…yet her silent reunion with her squad was so bitter and tragic.

It was the first time Levi had ever seen someone in so much emotional pain. It was the first time Ida showed him there was a limit to how strong she could pretend to be. It was the first time Ida showed him what type of person she truly was. Levi wanted to reach out and console her, but he remained motionless — he didn't know what to do.

Ida looked so different when she cried; she was a different person when she cried.

"I'm sorry… I — It's all my fault…"

Levi could read the pain in her eyes. All he saw in the depths of her emerald eyes was an endless pit of misery, guilt, and pain. Finally, after a pensive moment, he grabbed her, led to her face his chest, and wrapped his one arm around her, hearing her sobs clearer as tears streamed down her face.

"I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry…"

Ida muttered over and over again, crying deeply into his chest. Levi felt her crumble beneath his grasp. He couldn't help but feel a sense of protection for the vulnerable figure sobbing into his chest. Closing his eyes, Levi listened silently as stinging tears collected in her eyes and spilled out one by one.

Ida gasped in deep strokes, unable to bear the pain. Levi hugged her tighter with each gasp.

When he opened his eyes again, he saw the colors of the rainbow dancing in front of his eyes for a moment. Levi was trying hard not to cry, but this type of agony was a close excuse to. Combined with his recent grief that he felt over the loss of his comrades and the fear that shook him when he saw the danger that Ida had so foolishly plunged herself in, Levi too, was finding it hard to control his emotions.

He was mourning over the death of his squad, but he was grateful that she was alive, that Ida had listened to his plea and retreated.

As she gave in her agony and crumbled underneath his touch. Levi knew then how wrong he was. His own self-analysis of Ida's persona was completely wrong. How foolish of him to even think that she was the same as him one year ago. She was so much more alive compared to him. Levi couldn't even cry even if he wanted to.

Even though Ida held the title of being the second strongest, she was not Levi or Erwin; she was no Captain and Commander.

Ida was a soldier, just shy past a year of being a member of the Survey Corps.

She's was allowed to grieve.

But Levi has to endure.

The pain of his loss was numbing and searing, but he had dehumanized himself to a point that any outward form of grief was blasphemous.

Fucking hell, just not her too, Levi thought as he buried his face into her mop of disheveled red hair, breathing in her scent, sharing in her elevating agony. Only her, please, let her live. Even if it's just another day or even another second, just let her live.

He wanted to protect her, to defend her every breath with every heartbeat he had left in his life. To be her pillar of support, to see her alive and well.

After years of hiding behind a hidden, strong facade, Levi Ackerman finally felt a little crack in his demeanor.

For the first time in years, Levi had finally felt fear; the deepest fear of losing someone precious to you.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Her face remained expressionless. Ida felt as though all the emotions were drained from her after the tears finally stopped. The tension-filled ride back to the Wall took every ounce of her self-control. Just seeing the Walls again had stirred something up inside of her that Ida couldn't explain in coherent words.

She was returning the Walls, without her comrades…

She couldn't even bring them home.

Exhaustion turned her surroundings into a hazy afterthought and Ida didn't pay any notice to the civilians who came to the streets to see them as they marched back to the walls, but she could clearly hear them.

"Where are the rest of them?"

"Are these the only survivors left? Just how many were sent to die this time?"

"The carts are empty, where are the dead?"

Though Ida couldn't bring herself to face the villagers, their scathing words sounded like screams in her ears. Fathers, mothers, siblings, and perhaps even children came to see their families and welcome them back. But their stares felt like acid on her skin as they rained judgment down upon the legion.

No one from the Survey Corps uttered a word as they marched back shamefully to their headquarters and it didn't take long for the crowds to realize the extent of the disaster their expedition was.

"Wait! Where is my sister?!"

"My son! Where is he!"

A brave man pushed past the crowd and stood in front of Erwin on top of his horse, halting his advancement. "Commander Erwin! Where is my daughter?!"

Erwin barely acknowledged the man and instead steered his horse away from him. His voice was hollow. "Dead if you don't see her here."

"You sent her out there to die for nothing!" The father's eyes scrunched up and rage-filled tears spilled down his cheeks. He lunged forward and grabbed on Erwin's leg, trying to pull him down from his horse. "WHY?! HOW DID SHE DIE?!"

Just as quickly as the man grabbed him, Mike came up beside the father and dragged him away, pushing him back harshly to the crowd. The father broke down in tears.

"How could you do this!?" A woman cried from the crowd just when the company began to move again, ignoring the devastated father. "How can you live with yourself?! Don't you feel anything?! Are you even human anymore?! Damn all of you and your quest for freedom!"

Ida knew this was bound to happen, it was a common occurrence after every expedition. But their pleas and grievances hadn't affected Ida in a very long time.

All those times she was aware of the curses thrown at them for even going out of the Walls to seek something so frivolous as freedom, but for the first time ever, Ida felt like she deserved them. She tried to suppress the acid burning in her chest as she walked behind Levi, desperately trying to keep up with his pace. She found that focusing on his back helped with distracting herself from the insane guilt she was shouldering.

But then Petra Ral's father came running up Levi and her, totally oblivious to his daughter's death. With a bright smile on his face, he waved the letters in his face, speaking cheerfully of how glad he was to meet Levi and continued on by expressing his daughter's gratitude and pride of being able to serve underneath him.

Only then did Ida felt guilt like never before.

Her body was finally allowing all the tension and exhaustion she felt from the expedition catch up with her. And for that reason, Ida was sore all over her body. She was greatly aware of the throbbing pain in her head and especially of the damage in her mind.

She was emotionally and physically drained to the limit.

If Levi wasn't there to help her, she would've gone on a blind emotional rampage and stop Titans alone, which would have ended her life. But he shouldn't have stopped her, he should've left her to die, and perhaps deep down, that was what Ida's intention from the beginning. With a heavy heart, she mulled over her actions that had led to the devastating state of their squad.

Her comrades died because she decided to leave them behind, she didn't protect them.

And her comrades' bodies didn't even get to make it back to the walls because she allowed her emotions to get the better of her again…

The moment the legion reached their headquarters, the shriveled legion disbursed like roaches, swiftly scurrying to whatever dark corner they could find to hide and wallow in seclusion. Ida assumed it would be easy getting some space now, seeing as half of the rooms were now unoccupied. Guiding her horse to the stables, she stopped when she saw Erwin approaching her.

"Ida..." Erwin said, towering over her. But she didn't say so much as a word and merely continued stroking her horse. She could feel his stare on her. "...I'm sorry for your loss…"

Erwin debated on continuing when Ida chose to keep silent but the haunted nature of her eyes probed him to. "Are you alright?"

It was at his question did Ida's teeth clenched tight. "It's all on our hands, Erwin," she whispered harshly, her hands in fists. "It's all on our hands. All of this. We did this."

How ironic it was. Before she departed from the expedition, she had told Erwin that everything that happened today would be on his hands alone. But Ida knew now, she was equally as guilty as her father. She had no right to judge him. The moment she kept silent and chose to save humanity by sacrificing her comrades, her hands were already stained.

She could not lie to herself any longer, she was no different from Erwin Smith.

Ida glazed her eyes around the legion, taking in every despaired and broken soldier. Erwin followed her gaze.

"There can be no triumph for humanity without taking risks," Erwin reasoned calmly. "Risks mean casualties. It's an unfortunate sacrifice we all must make."

"They're all dead..." Ida's voice was frayed yet soft. Her words did not hold her usual vehemence. "They weren't just casualties or sacrifices — they were my team, my friends, my family. And they died for nothing..."

Before he could say anything more, Ida started with her walk back to the stables with her horse. She felt Erwin leave the vicinity without another word, probably to report to Darius about the utter failure of their expedition.

Ida felt as if she was drunk on rage, but she was too tired to show anger, too broken down and beaten up to show anything in fact. After bringing her horse back to the stables, she returned to her room immediately to unequip herself from her gears.

Taking off her jacket, she felt something drop out of her pockets. She looked down only to see it was the bloodied emblems of her comrades Levi gave her. She choked a little when she crashed to the ground, picking them up and pressing her back to the edge of her bed as she stared at it.

"Bloodstained patchwork wings…" she murmured in a cracked voice.

In the dark, she patiently waited for the tears to come, but they never did.

She tried to imagine their faces before she left them, tried to imagine their smiles, their laughter, but all she could remember was the horrifying look of their corpses. Ida couldn't even remember how her teammates looked like when they were alive anymore, perhaps her mind just didn't want to.

The reality of everything was proving to be a nightmare for her.

Ida pressed her lips to the bunch of emblems in her hands. "I'm sorry…"

But it wasn't them that she needed to apologize to, it was someone else.

If only she had listened.

If only she had chosen to protect them instead of chasing after an act of senseless revenge.

If only she was as honorable and as trustable as Levi thought her out of be.

Pushing herself off the floor, Ida placed the emblems on her nightstand and rummaged through the drawers. With bandages and medicine in hand, she dragged her heavy feet across the hallway and knocked when she reached her destination.

"Enter."

She pushed open the doors, meeting her gaze with a scowling Levi in his chair. "Aren't you supposed to be resting instead of walking around?" he said tonelessly. His face scrunched up when he noticed dried blood still clung to the side of her face. "Why didn't you go to the infirmary to treat your head?"

Without a word, Ida sat down on the floor in front of him, gesturing him to give her his injured leg. Levi regarded her with hooded eyes when he realized what she was about to do. "It's nothing big, just get off the fucking floor—"

He couldn't continue with his retort when Ida lifted her head, looked into his eyes, and killed him. One look into her despair plagued, teary eyes, and for some reason, he just couldn't say no. He allowed her to grab his leg, removing the dirty boot off his feet, silently watching Ida as she assessed the severity of his injury.

"I can do it myself," Levi's voice was raspy, but he managed to keep a hint smoothness.

"You can't even stitch up a simple straight wound, so shut up for a minute." Ida finally spoke, moving forward to apply some medicine to the swollen area. She knew first hand of how horrible his first aid skills were. She rubbed the swollen area hard, causing Levi to bite back a groan of agony when the pain resonated through his body.

The two sat next to one another in silence. Levi watched her profile with careful eyes, watching her bloodied, slender fingers wrapping the clean bandage around his leg with great skill and precision.

"…I'm sorry…" Ida finally broke the silence between them, looking as though she was fighting to keep back her tears. "If I had followed your orders… I could've protected the squad and stalled the Female Titan… They could have lived… If I hadn't allowed my emotions to get the better of me and stopped to think for a damned second… We could've at least bought their bodies back with us... back to their grieving families..."

Levi opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. What else could he say to ease this pain? It was not her fault — it was nobody's fault. No one could predict the outcome. Why was she shouldering the blame for everything?

"You… lost your squad because of me…" Her voice cracked and it was full of self-loathing. "Because of me… your foolish stupid partner… the so-called second strongest… who couldn't even save her own squad with my 'incredible' skills… You trusted me to take care of them… To protect them..."

Her fingers started to tremble. "I — I couldn't even bring back their bodies to their families… What kind of elite soldier am I, Levi?"

Levi tried to speak again, but he couldn't find the words.

"…No matter how much I tried to distance myself, in truth, I actually liked them. No, I loved them. They were one of my first friends, my first comrades, even though we got onto a rocky start… I loved them…" Ida secured the bandage with medical tape.

She lifted her head up from her work and smiled softly at Levi.

"...How terrible it is… to love something that death can touch…" Ida ended ruefully. "You lost your family because of me."

Done with her bandage job, Ida lowered his leg down carefully and stood up. She gave Levi a small smile and reached out to adjust the simple white cravat that he had always wore. "Your cravat is crooked, you hate that right?"

Ida picked up her bandages and left for the door. Suddenly, Levi grabbed her wrist, causing her to turn at him. "Oi… Don't—"

She gently pushed his grip off her wrist. "Stop pretending you don't hate me. It was my fault they died, Levi. My fault. I took something from you. You shouldn't even want me to be in your presence," Ida sliced through his sentence. "Please, just leave me alone."

Levi watched as she left the room without even looking back as if she was leaving him alone to grieve. Snapping out of his stupor, he found himself staring at his hand that he used to hold her back.

He curled his fingers shut.

"Foolish woman," Levi said in a cold voice to the empty room he was in. "They were your family too."

---

Sorry to end it at such a depressing note. *fidgets* Well, this chapter is overall just depressing. But things can never be so smooth sailing, hope you guys understand! Please R&R! Thank you for your kind reviews and support so far!