A/N: Hopefully this chapter is more light-hearted than my previous chapter. Here's a sulking heichou emoticon that one of my reviewers showed me - 눈‸눈
HAHA, he's upset over the loss of his team. Okay, now I sound sadistic. Hope you enjoy this chapter!
Chapter revamped: 15th March 2020
Thank you to my dear Beta-Reader: Names are for Friends
Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie
Chapter 11 — The Titles They Carried
Levi sat in the large, seemingly lonely mess hall. The place almost resembled the fallen comrades who had only recently resided in the area — dead. He could still feel their shadow presence lingering around him. It was near impossible to imagine that it was the very same mess hall that excited and happy chatter once came from.
He exhaled softly. The only source of warmth in the room came from the of a cup of tea, which sat between his pale palms that still hosted a slight tremor of shock from the recent events.
The only other form of life in the room was a young teenage boy sitting a good chair's space away from him, seemingly also drowning in his sorrows. Eren consciously realized how the lively mess hall became so silent and haunted just after one expedition, the shock and despair from the loss of his first comrades still lingered in his body. The boy could only sit in the silence, not knowing what to say to his Captain.
"They are late…" Levi stared at the flickering candle with vague interest, his mind swimming with various thoughts. "Erwin and his damn folk are making me wait." He took a long sip from his warm tea before continuing, "Our Military Police escorts are gonna arrive first... Maybe he's agonizing over being constipated again…"
Eren offered a small smile at his jest. "You're quite talkative today, Captain."
Levi had an indiscernible look in his face when he saw that Eren was studying him. "Oi, cut me some damn slack," he said flatly, sipping on his warm tea. "Talkativeness is inherent in my personality."
The Titan Shifter fidgeted in his seat. The wooden chair he sat on creaked in protest every time he made a move. "I'm sorry…" he finally said after a long silence. "It was my fault. If only I had made the right decision."
With an audible exhale, Levi placed his cup back on the saucer. He had enough of listening to senseless apologies and watching people mull over their damn decisions. Levi couldn't help but make the connection that Eren and Ida had a similar personality. While Ida was extremely perceptive should the situation calls for it, but she was nothing more than an innocent child like Eren — pure-hearted and naïve deep within.
Damn it, he was discovering new sides of her every day and Levi felt aggravated at that discovery.
"I told you, no one could foresee the outcome," Levi drawled, casting his gaze somewhere else.
He was so tired, so drained. The last thing Levi wanted to do was to sit through another sullen apology. Why the hell was everyone blaming themselves for something so out of their control? They did the best they could base on their own judgment.
Fuck, this is getting irritating.
Things were not the same since the last expedition. It was always just Eren and his Captain now in the hideout, and Eren couldn't help but feel unbearably uneasy at how quiet it was.
"…How's Ida-san…?" Eren took the courage to ask despite knowing it was a sensitive question to his Captain. "Have you been talking to her?"
Levi felt a minuscule pain in his chest, the most he had felt after his last conversation with her.
"Why don't you ask her yourself, Eren?" he snapped irritably.
Eren blanched. He berated himself inwardly for even asking such a thing — he was a fool to even ask such an obvious question. His other surviving superior had locked herself in her room after the expedition, only coming out for a glass of water here and then. Once, she took her gear and disappeared for hours, but she came back looking even more like a ghost. She was completely distant and reserved, even to someone like Levi who Eren knew she was once so close to.
Every now and then, during her occasional visits out of her room, Eren's initial reaction would include questioning if she was feeling well, before assisting her in getting her a glass of water. Her ghost-like appearance told another story, but through glassy eyes and dry, cracked lips, Ida would mutter out a denial and insist she felt fine.
To add to her performance to soothe the young boy's guilt that he was somehow indirectly responsible for her current depressed state, Ida would scowl and add a poor insult before giving him a small, sad smile and a single reassuring pat on his shoulder. Then, she would disappear back to her room.
Eren observed that not once in her rare appearances out of the confines of her room did she make eye contact with Levi. In fact, she didn't even talk to him. The once non-stop bickering pair suddenly seemed to have fallen apart completely after the expedition. It was no doubt that the death of their comrades affected them both greatly and in their own way, they mourned over the loss of their squad. But this change was more apparent in Ida.
Levi suddenly grunted, holding onto his leg when he shifted slightly, the pain taking a toll on him. Eren quickly reacted, standing up. "C — Captain! Are you alright?"
"Shut up, I'm fine." Levi shot him a heated glare. Exhaling a heavy breath, a thought struck him when he recalled how Ida had bandaged his leg for him. "Eren, did you give Ida the medicine for her wounds as I had instructed?"
"Y – Yes! But I don't know if she treated her wounds yet." Eren spoke quickly, sensing great agitation from the older man. "Uhm… Don't mind me asking, but is Ida-san going to participate in our next mission?"
Levi trained a death glare on his figure, wondering what had caused the younger boy to be so bold with his questions tonight. "I've requested for Ida to be exempted from this mission, she needs all the rest she can get now. That's not to say that Erwin will accept my proposal, strategizing doesn't fall on my responsibilities. It's up to him to decide, he's always thinking a few more steps ahead than us."
Though Levi had an inkling that Erwin would accept his proposal. Ida was his daughter after all.
Eren smiled softly, nodding his head. "I see… Captain really cares for his subordinates huh?"
Slamming his cup back on the saucer, Levi mentally prepared an insulting sharp comeback, but luckily for the petrified boy, Erwin came to his rescue just in time, entering the mess hall with the newest recruits.
"You guys!" Eren gasped audibly upon seeing his classmates. He stood up abruptly, knocking the chair he was sitting on down. Mikasa looked relieved to see Eren physically well and Armin smiled softly at him.
Levi grimaced, barely acknowledging his Commander. "You took your damn sweet time."
"Excuse me for the delay, Levi." Erwin interrupted swiftly, making eye contact with him. "But we have identified the person likely to be the female-form Titan. And this time we will catch her."
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
Levi let out a tired sigh. Today was definitely a long day. The maniacal Squad Leader had been practically going on for hours about her pre-planned Titan experiments for her newest 'baby' — which in reality, was the Female Titan that they were planning to capture. Levi was beyond exhausted, as he always was when it comes to a conversation with Hanji.
It had all started with a meeting between him and Hanji to discuss her plans for capturing the Female Titan using her newest invention of explosive barrels and steel spears studded net to incapacitate the Titan shifter while Eren and the legion assisted. Somewhere along the way, Hanji had strayed off topic and continued on her endless rant about her experiments.
"And so, based the findings we got from Eren and his Titan form, we can safely assume that the host is a female… So what if—"
By now, Levi had mentally checked out of the conversation. Over the past few hours, he had efficiently learned the art of blocking out her words from his mind. Usually, he would've told the bespectacled squad leader to shut up and throw in an insult here and there to get his point across, but for tonight, Levi actually didn't mind the company. Eren was busy with his classmates at the headquarters and he was all alone for the day.
Hanji's presence distracted him from the fact that most of his squad were gone.
"Are you even listening to me, Levi?!" Hanji's sharp voice suddenly pulled him out of his thoughts.
Levi scowled deeply. He stared at her almost threateningly. "Of course I'm not, fucking shitty glasses."
Hanji sighed, debating if she should continue on with her rant, but another troubling thought popped in her mind — Levi had never once bothered to hear her talk about her experiments. Why was he so tolerant tonight? Hanji had a clue though.
"…Will Ida be joining us in the assistance to subdue the Female Titan? Erwin hadn't told me about her assigned position yet," she treaded lightly at first, trying to test the waters.
"She won't be participating." Levi crossed his arms, wondering why everyone had a sudden interest in the redhead and why they thought he was the best person to inquire about her. "Don't ask why, you damned four eyes."
With pursed lips, Hanji pondered over why Levi seemed agitated over the mention Ida. Being the fantastic scientist she is, Hanji was good at calculations. She was rather proud of her ability to predict outcomes and observing things, but Hanji would gladly say the only thing she was best at apart from her Titan experiments, was seeing through a certain Captain.
"She hasn't been talking to you huh?" Hanji tapped her pen on her cheek, throwing him a knowing look. "Just give her some time, she's probably feeling as guilty as it is."
Levi scoffed, placing his cup down. He tried to act like he was indifferent. "Tch. Why does it fucking matter to me anyway?"
Hanji noticed the half-empty cup in front of her company. She blinked when she realized that its contents weren't Levi's usual tea. "Alcohol?" she raised a brow. "Since when did you started drinking?"
"What are you trying to say? That I've to get permission from you whenever I want to touch some alcohol now?" Levi argued back sarcastically. "There's no damn reason why."
She shrugged, backing down. "Well anyway, who would've thought that both of the Survey Corps elite soldiers be unfit for battle at the same time. We're going to need all the help we can get... We suffered heavy casualties during the last expedition."
"It can't be helped," Levi replied simply, looking bitterly at his injured leg that he got over the blunder that Mikasa made. "I'm sure Erwin had made plans for handling things should things go awry."
The sounds of doors opening caught both of their attention and Hanji noticed a woman that she hadn't seen since the last expedition.
"Ida?" Hanji called, but the woman with red hair didn't even turn to acknowledge her. Instead, she merely trekked with heavy legs into the dining hall.
Ida looked beyond haggard. Hanji probably wouldn't have recognized her if it wasn't for her striking hair color. She had grown considerably skinny. Her complexion was pale as a ghost, and dark purple rings accentuated her lifeless eyes. Hanji threw Levi a look as if silently asking him what the hell had happened to her.
But Levi only stayed rooted to his chair, completely helpless. With a hard stoic expression, he watched her disappear into the dark kitchen and back into the room with a glass of water.
It had been a total of four days since the squads' death and Ida had completely changed. She barely ate or drank. She hadn't left the hideout except to brood in the nearby forest once. She refused to see her friends — refused to see anyone. She refused to talk to anyone except to tell them to leave her alone and wouldn't let anyone in her room once she was inside.
Their squad's death affected everyone differently, but somehow it seemed to have hit Ida in a way that Levi could never have predicted.
With a glass of water in her grasp, Ida turned her heel towards the exit once again. Suddenly, her legs gave way she and doubled over to the floor in pain, spilling the glass of water on the floor.
"Ida!" Levi rushed towards her, immediately leveling himself on the ground next to her. "Oi—"
"Leave." Ida tried to push him away weakly. "Leave me alone— let me—"
"Why the fuck are you burning up?!" Levi immediately took notice of her abnormally high temperature when he touched her. "You think that doing this is going to fucking change anything?! You barely eat or drink—"
"Just leave me alone!" Ida screamed at him with all the strength she could muster. She coughed excessively afterward from the outburst but her eyes were pleading. "P — Please..."
"What happened to her?" Hanji came running forward and reached out, trying to help an increasingly irritated Levi knowing that he has a short temper. She touched Ida's forehead. "She has a fever."
"I'm fine." Ida roughly pushed the helping hands away with as much strength as she could muster.
She forced herself up and then started staggering around the dining hall, holding onto her head in pain. Seconds later, she fell back down to the ground, completely drained of strength.
Levi was quick to catch her before her head hit the ground. He was miffed now, feeling frustrated that Ida had gone and done something stupid again to get into this state she was in. Muttering a curse, he carried a limp Ida towards his room with a concerned Hanji following shortly behind.
The pain that was throbbing in his left leg built up to a burning intensity. He held his breath, breathing in and out in strategic patterns as he moved. He carried Ida in his arms and up the stairs. Hanji trailed him worriedly.
Knowing well that Ida's room was neglected and in a complete mess, Levi kicked the door to his room open before placing her down on his bed. "I'll get some cold towels," Hanji offered hastily, rushing over to the closet to fetch some extra blankets and towels.
Levi's eyes drilled towards his partner that laid unconscious on his bed, pale with cracked lips. She was almost completely still, taking shallow breaths as her body trembled in pain. He pressed his lips together into a grim scowl, trying to keep his rage at bay as he looked at her.
Ida wasn't supposed to look like this. She was supposed to be sugar-rushed and annoying. She was supposed to be groaning and complaining at his actions, acting all high-and-mighty and getting into senseless arguments with him. She was supposed to be head-strong and obnoxious, charging into every fight with Titans she could find. She was a survivor of this cruel world, she was strong.
She was supposed to be anything but like this.
Making herself useful, Hanji quickly came back with a bucket of ice water and towels, immediately sitting on the bed and wetting the towel before dabbing it on Ida's sweating forehead.
"What is wrong with her?" Levi could feel his chest constrict slightly when he approached her warily. Ida looked so fragile as if she could break under the slightest touch. For once, he was glad that Hanji was here to help.
"Infection from her untreated wounds it seems. I'll get the medicine later." Hanji explained softly, knowing a little about the medical treatments. Well, at least more than Levi. She turned her accusing eyes back to the male hovering over her. "What the hell were you thinking, letting her get to this state? Isn't Ida your direct subordinate? Has she even eaten anything since we came back?"
His face contorted, unable to come up with a retort to defend himself. It was partially his fault for not taking care of her anyway. He dragged a chair towards the bed and sat beside it. Levi made an annoyed noise underneath his nose when he saw how slow Hanji was moving.
"Give me that, you clumsy dolt."
Snatching the towels away from the brunette, he began to quickly wring out the excess water before dabbing it onto the wheezing redhead's forehead quickly in hopes that it would bring down her temperature. He continued on with the process a couple of times before finally placing a cold towel on her forehead.
"Troublesome brat," Levi muttered irritably, slipping his hand underneath the blanket to find cold boney ones. He pulled her hand from her side and held it in his hand. He wanted nothing more than for Ida to wake up and start throwing insults at him, at least this way he would know that she was fine.
It was fair to say that Levi felt a tinge of guilt for letting her be. Though one part of his brain might argue that he was just leaving her to her own devices to mourn, the other part of his brain was screaming that she was the last surviving member of his squad and it was his responsibility to look after her well-being.
"Hehehe. Really, Levi, you got it real bad."
Damn it, he forgot that Hanji was still here.
"Keep your comments to yourself, shitty glasses, before I sock you in the damn mouth." Levi glowered menacingly, his eyes boring deep into the slightly mental woman beside him — a silent threat that if she didn't shut up, she wouldn't be able to attend the upcoming mission and capture her precious test subject. In addition, it was hardly an appropriate time for one of her stupid jokes — but appropriate and Hanji Zoe just never go hand and hand together.
The Titan fanatic smiled widely, her glasses gleaming under the candlelight. "You know, I know everything about the encyclopedia about the human body since it's vital for Titan studies. I know where a woman's sensitive spots are…" she wiggled her brows suggestively, earning another glare from Levi.
"…How to make her fall head over heels for you…" Hanji mumbled on, enjoying every bit of Levi's disturbed demeanor. "…How to touch her in a way that would make her whimper…"
Levi frowned, his hooded dark eyes grew large when he realized what Hanji was implying. He threw a kick towards her face but Hanji — already predicting his reaction — swiftly dodged the attack.
"Shut the fuck up," he pinned her with a severe glare.
Hanji was still giggling, her maniacal smile still plastered across her face. "Relax, Levi! It's perfectly natural for a guy to behave this way! After all, men have needs as well—"
Levi interrupted her a second time, launching a fist towards her, who in turn, ducked out the way stealthily. After years of teasing Levi and getting on his nerves, Hanji had developed a useful skill for predicting his attacks. "Hey! That's a good thing you know, some of us actually thought you were gay because you never— EEK!"
Levi finally caught her by the ponytail. He spun her around to glare at her threateningly. "Shut. Up." He warned her a final time. It was much easier to get angry with the Squad Leader than to listen to her suggestive comments.
"Ok! Ok!" Hanji finally gave up, lifting her hands in the air to surrender, knowing that it was no idle threat. "I'm just saying it's ok to like someone!" she goaded.
Levi's glare hardened before he pushed her away roughly.
"Tch. What a stupid irrational thing to say," he scoffed, averting his eyes away.
"You don't need to be ashamed actually feeling a connection with someone, you know…" Hanji continued to tease him, yelping when Levi threw another kick to in her direction, but luckily for her, she stumbled backward just in time to feel the wind when his leg slice the air in front of her.
"I told you to shut up." Levi was livid at this point, both from embarrassment and rage that Hanji would dare imply something like that at a time like this. He had already had his hands full as it and he didn't need her putting suggestive thoughts in his already troubled mind.
Had her obsession with Titans finally got to her brain?
"Ugh…" A small crackly voice whimpered into the room, causing the two to snap out from their quarrel.
All rage subsided in an instant and was replaced with concern as soon when he heard that voice. He rushed over to its source and found that the towel had grown warm. Picking it up, Levi dunked the towel back into the ice water before placing it back on her head.
"You really can't hide it, it's too obvious."
Levi rolled his furious eyes back the eccentric woman once again, cursing that his concern for Ida had caused him to temporarily forget that she was still there watching his every move.
This time, Hanji smiled softly, walking over to lay a hand on his shoulder. "Don't be a stubborn brute and just admit it already," she coaxed him to talk. "You care about her."
His face softened when Ida whimpered once again, turning around in her sleep. He turned to look at Hanji's smiling face in resignation, figuring there was no point in lying. Plus, it wasn't like the Squad Leader was going to be flaunting around the legion about his little weakness. Hanji Zoe valued her life more than to attempt to pull a stunt like that; she still had many experiments she wanted to conduct before her death.
"Fine. I care about her, so what?" Levi grumbled irritably, debating if he should just sock her in her face. She can't talk after she lost all of her teeth right?
"She's my subordinate directly under my command, of course, I have to care for her." He shook his shoulders, trying to get Hanji's filthy hands off him — who knows what kind of disgusting Titan crap she had touched.
Hanji was unfazed at his confession and only returned a haughty sly smirk. "Nothing! Just wanna let you know I'm here for advice!"
"Fuck off, shitty glasses." It took Levi everything to not launch another kick at her face, the only thing holding him back was that he didn't want to disrupt Ida from her sleep with the noise.
Taking her hands off his shoulders, Hanji happily skipped towards the exit, giving the pair some much-needed time alone. "Oh, and Levi!" she called out, her hands already prepared at the doorknob for her grand escape. "I'm glad you aren't gay! Hehehehe."
Levi took a mental note to grant a certain squad leader's death wish later.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
"Haha! Ida! What on earth happened to you?!"
"Don't ask, Petra."
"Captain was behind this again huh?"
Ida Starke was conscious, but somehow her mind was still in a dream-like state. With her eyes still closed, she replayed another fresh memory in her mind. The wetness from her sweat still clung onto every tangible part of her body. Even parts of the bed beneath her were sticky with sweat, but it didn't bother Ida.
She couldn't even feel anymore.
A small whimper escaped her cracked lips when she became consciously aware of the fire burning in her chest, but she liked it, the physical ache in her body subdued her emotional pain. She pried her eyes open a little, falling back into the memory that she was playing in her mind.
Petra Ral laughed airily. Her teammate, Oluo, snickered beside her while the redhead in front of them trembled in a mixture of embarrassment and anger. Ida had once again managed to tick off Levi and of course, her Captain wasn't one to look past her insolence without proper punishment.
So there she was, holding two heavy pails and a large bucket balanced on her head was filled to the brimmed with water. Ida couldn't let a single drop of water spill from the pails, in fear that she would have to redo her punishment from the start. Her arms and neck were undeniably sore from the immense weight, but she had to continue on until Levi deemed that she had repented enough on her actions.
"What did you do this time?" Eld came from behind Petra, a slight scowl on his sharp features. "You just can't listen to orders without causing a ruckus huh?"
"Shut up, Jinn," Ida muttered bitterly, her voice strained as she fought tooth and nail to keep her composure. "I don't see how you guys can listen to that midget bastard's unreasonable orders without protest. I mean honestly, cleaning the courtyard again? We did that yesterday!"
"That's because we respect him. If you had an ounce of respect for him, you would follow his orders too. Just because you are more skilled than the rest of us, you look down on everyone." Eld snapped a little too harshly and Petra nudged him by the ribcage disapprovingly.
Petra smiled softly, moving towards Ida to diffuse the tension. "Don't listen to him, he's just spouting nonsense as usual," she told her kindly, taking the heavy bucket of water off her friend's head. "Let's get rid of this."
"W — Wait! You can't take that off! If Levi saw that, he would get pissed at you too!" Ida quickly said when Petra took another pail from her grasp. Afraid that her teammates would get into trouble with their strict Captain, Ida tried to take her pails back. "Just leave me be. This punishment is nothing I can't endure."
"Oh, don't be so uptight." Petra laughed warmly, passing the pail over to Oluo to put it away. "Captain is busy in his room, he wouldn't know. Plus, you guys won't tell right?"
She moved her hazel eyes over the rest of the squad. Oluo and Gunther nodded while Eld merely scoffed and looked away.
"B — But why are you helping me? Just let me be," Ida mumbled quickly, appalled that her new teammates would help her. It has just been three months since she had joined the squad and it wasn't as if she had put in the effort to establish a bond with them. Ida usually opted to avoid talking to them altogether unless necessary.
Eld snorted, still a little upset that the newbie had demonstrated better battle skills than a skilled veteran like him. "You're still Underground trash— OW!"
Petra pinched him by the side to shut him up.
"Well, you did save me back on your first expedition, so I guess this is my way of thanking you..." Oluo mumbled, scratching the back of his head. He pointed an accusing finger at her when he realized he sounded a bit too soft and continued in a loud obnoxious voice, "B — But don't get so full out of yourself, you stinking brat! I have the most solo kills, you have yet to catch up with me!"
Petra rolled her eyes at her friend's antics; she really couldn't understand Oluo's need for mimicking Levi's rude way of speaking. "Don't mind these idiots, Ida! We are a team, right? So we need to look out for each other!" she moved closer to Ida, whispering secretly to her ear. "Even if it means covering each other's assess from Captain's mood swings."
Ida's emerald eyes grew wide, certainly not expecting the warmness from them. "...You don't need to force yourself to accept me."
"Who says we are forcing ourselves?" Gunther came forward with a small smile. "We're a squad now you know."
The ginger smiled at Gunther's words. She grabbed onto Ida's wrist. "Forget your punishment, have lunch with us! I heard there are mash potatoes on the menu today!"
"H — Hey stop!" Ida stuttered but allowed Petra and the rest to drag her into the dining hall.
Ida had always taken her meals alone and this was the first time she was actually invited to join someone. Usually, Levi would eat in his room, buried under his stack of paperwork and the rest of the soldiers were far too afraid to talk to her because of her solitary and intemperate personality.
"Oh, don't be like that! We're an official squad now that you had gone on your first expedition! We want you to trust us and depend on us from now on, ok?" Petra giggled, pushing her into the dining hall. "And you should talk to us more! You're always avoiding us!"
Gunther smiled softly. "Yeah, your skills were very impressive, you should go training with us more instead of going solo like Captain. We are skilled too you know? Don't look down on us!"
"It ain't as though we aren't any fun, you stinking piss-poor brat," Oluo added in for good measure, proud of his impression of Levi.
"We're counting on you from now on Ida! Don't screw up!" Petra gave her thumbs up just as Oluo wanted to say something else and bit onto his tongue again.
Petra wrinkled her nose at her silent blonde teammate, gesturing him to say something when they made eye contact. Eld sighed in resignation, crossing his arms and gave into Petra's demands.
"Welcome to the Special Operation Squad, Ida Starke."
Ida could remember the day like it was yesterday, the first time she had truly smiled ever since she came to the Survey Corps, the first time she had actually felt warmness and acceptance, the first time she actually felt like she belonged to somewhere and had a purpose in her miserable life.
She bit her bottom lip, letting the memory suffocate her. She closed her eyes again, embracing the agonizing pain that stung her empty grieving heart. Then, another memory hit her as though it was an Armored Titan charging at full speed.
Ida didn't even have time to mourn.
"MY ONLY DAUGHTER! MY PETRA! WHY?! WHY?!"
The elder man was sobbing uncontrollably. He grabbed a fistful of Ida's cloak, bringing her down with him to the ground. He wailed loudly, wretched in complete pain when the emotionless redhead had informed him of his only daughter's death.
He could still remember how he came forward to thank Levi for taking care of Petra after the legion came back from their failed expedition, and the redhead famed as the second strongest was right beside him. Though they were silent on their walk back to the headquarters, Ida visited his house an hour later with Hanji insisting on following.
The Ida of a year ago would've never visited the families of their fallen comrades, too afraid of what would happen if she did. She had made it clear to Levi when he brought her to visit Marie's family after her first expedition that she had a distaste for it. And so even if Ida had risen in ranks over the past year, not once did she visit the families of their fallen subordinates, choosing to push the responsibility to Levi or someone else.
But things were different now.
And she was a different person.
Her squadmates' family didn't deserve to hear about their deaths by letters. Ida knew very well that it was her fault that her squadmates' bodies didn't make it back home. The least she could do was tell their families by herself first before the legion had any chance.
She would not run away from reality any longer. This was her burden too. This was her sin too. This was her responsibility too. She wasn't any different from Erwin or Levi.
As Levi Ackerman had said a year ago, this was all part of the 'damned package'. The living didn't have it any better.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry," Ida was apologizing solemnly to the elder man. She never took her eyes off of Petra's sobbing father. "I couldn't protect her, it was my fault."
"You were the second strongest, aren't you?! WHY COULDN'T YOU EVEN PROTECT HER?!" The elder man was mad with grief, blinded with rage. He never left his condemning judgemental eyes off the woman in front of him that dejected her head to the ground in guilt. "Why?! Why?! Why?! My Petra!"
"Get up, Ida. You're bleeding." Hanji came forward to her defense. She knew it was a bad idea to visit the families of the deceased so early after the expedition, but Ida insisted, wanting to be the one to inform the families before Levi had a chance to. "Sir, it's not her fault that—"
Ida reached out and grabbed her hand, stopping Hanji from saying any more. All she could do, as she watched Petra's father sobbing on the streets with countless of gossiping spectators watching, was to repeat her apologies over and over again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"She was so young! Your sorries can't bring her back! She was so proud of serving under Captain Levi, she was so proud to join the Survey Corps, but look at her now! My poor daughter! What did she die for?! GIVE HER BACK TO ME! GIVE ME BACK MY PETRA!"
The memory washed away, like waves pushing into the shoreline, bringing Ida back to reality.
She couldn't deny it any longer, it was unreasonable — she was the cause of their deaths.
Her squad did not pass away in the comforts of their bed, graying of old age. There were no family members surrounding them, comforting them as they took their final breaths. They died gruesomely in battle with their uniform as their shrouds. Their bodies rotting in the beating sun, far from the Walls they called home, abandoned by their legion.
Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther… They died that tragic way because of her poor judgment.
They died because of her.
She became frozen as the words hit her — right where it hurt the most — over and over and over again.
She felt ashamed, she felt sorrow, and she felt grief. But above all, she felt angry.
She felt angry with Eren, the boy with such a destructive ability who just stood by and watched her squad die to protect him from the Female Titan. She felt livid at her father, Erwin, who could have done more to protect his own men, who had continued on with this ridiculous mission knowing that his legion would suffer heavy casualties. She felt fury at her Captain, who had not stopped her and forced her to stay with her squad as instructed by him, but instead, allowed her to join him in order to sate her desire for revenge.
But overall, she felt most of her anger directed at herself.
If she had have secretly told her squad that the Female Titan was actually a human clad in Titan flesh, if she had obeyed orders to stay behind, she could've protected them with her skills, or at least to have been with them as they passed on. She should've been there with them no matter what. Had her agility and stealth been better, she could perhaps have taken down the Female Titan before she even had the chance to escape to where her squad and Eren was. Had she made the right judgment at the time, at least even their bodies could've made it back to their families and laid to rest at their homes.
Instead, they died gruesomely, their corpses rotting in the sun far away.
Those were strong recruits who could have greatly benefited humanity. She could've been able to save them if she had made the right choice.
She had done humanity such a disservice by being so lacking. Ida couldn't even bring herself to leave the confines of her room, too humiliated and embarrassed. The remaining soldiers' pitiful glances of condolences, their mourning friends and families, and even Levi's empty grieving cold eyes.
How could she ever look them in the eyes after what she had done?
Her destructive train of thoughts suddenly stopped when a pressure on her hand made Ida realize that she wasn't alone. Gasping, she snapped her eyes open. Warily, Ida raised her free hand to feel the sweat cascading down the sides of her forehead. She tried to calm her respiration but there was no way her heart was going to go down after such a memory.
Pressing a hand against her heart, she tried to coax it to steady. But the damage had been done. The memory of Petra's father's face was the sole reason his heart was beating the way it was — far beyond a physical reason.
It was a reaction, a heart-wrenching reaction.
It took her a moment to collect her memories, and then she hurriedly stored them into the back of her mind again. She was only allowing herself a moment to remember, and then it was back to her own reality construction. Paralyzed in the darkness, Ida stared up at the ceiling. She could hear her heart pounding all over her body. She swallowed in spite of her dry throat, paralyzed with a sense of nostalgia and dread.
In the darkness of the night, Ida could hear a steady breathing beside her. For a while, she thought she was dreaming, but the warmth of his body next to hers was undeniable. She turned her head.
A tear slid down her cheek as she watched Levi sleeping peaceful profile, his hand still holding onto hers a while he slept in the chair beside the bed she was in.
She had wanted to apologize again, but what was the use of apologizing anymore?
Ida groaned when she propped herself up on the bed, causing a napping Levi to suddenly jolt awake in his uncomfortable chair. "Where the hell are you going?" he demanded harshly when he saw that she was moving out of the bed. "Answer me."
"Back to my room." Ida held onto her pounding head, becoming greatly aware that her head was wrapped up in a thick white bandage that she didn't remember she had before. "What happened to me?"
"Hanji fixed you up. You collapsed." Was it just her imagination, or did Levi sound greatly irritated? Her heart wrenched when she contemplated it.
"Sorry, I'll get back to my room." Ida kicked the covers off her, but Levi held her back.
"Lie back down, you're sick."
Ida tried to shove him off, "Let me go, I'm fine."
"What the hell is your damn problem?" Levi finally snapped after days of pent of frustration, he was never one to hold back his anger. "Why are you avoiding me?"
Taking a deep, lucid breath, Ida hesitantly turned her reluctant eyes to meet his, "The sight of me must be hard for you to bear, so it's best if you just leave me be."
"Why?" Levi's voice softened, but the raw bluntness still remained.
"It was me who caused you to lose your squad, I must be revolting to look at. There's no need to force yourself," Ida told him simply, ignoring the throbbing headache pounding on her head.
Since when did she feel this weak?
"Stay."
"No."
"It's a damn order, Ida."
"Fuck off, Levi."
"I said to just fucking lie back down!" Levi finally had enough from her stubbornness and grabbed her shoulders roughly, pinning her back down on the bed while he hovered over her. "If you keep fucking aggravating me—"
He stopped.
Levi immediately stopped when he saw the tears welling up in her grieving emerald eyes. The new set of tears sprung from her eyes, wetting her entire face. Ida gasped for breath, her hands ran over to shield her eyes as if hide her tears from him.
"You don't know how it feels don't you?!" Ida sobbed in frustration through gritted teeth. "You don't know how it is to watch people you love die because of the mistakes you made!"
She couldn't hold it back anymore. It was too hard, so hard.
She hated him because he was so perfect, but more so, Ida hated the fact because someone as perfect him could never understand her.
"I mean how could you know...?" Ida went on with heaving breaths. "You're so perfect, so strong. You wouldn't have left them to die, you'd have protected them. Hell, the idea of even going on a stupid quest to sate your emotions, placing the entire legion at risk in the process and causing them to dump the bodies of the comrades to save their own lives must be so foreign to you! You… don't know how it is like..."
Her hands left her eyes, revealing teary green orbs and her hands made her way down to her chest. She looked at Levi hovering above her and clutched the material that was right above her heart, sobbing. "It—It hurts… I can't…"
There were many things that shocked Levi, but this was one of the rare moments that had paralyzed him to the ground and rendered him unable to even speak. He watched as she broke down beneath him, for the first time being so openly honest.
So human.
And it hurt him to the core.
Then with all of her remaining strength and in a moment of impulse — Ida pulled Levi down to a hug, relishing guiltily in the comfort of his body heat.
"I'm sorry Levi… I'm so fucking sorry…" Ida was sobbing irrevocably into his neck, the cracked words slipping out of her lips like venom. "It's ridiculous, isn't it? I am so obstinate, so full of myself, so selfish... I want to feel comfort, to feel warm, to even grieve… yet I know I don't deserve it… It's my fault they died…"
They slipped into silence, occasional sobs and wheezing gasp only jabbing the still air occasionally as Ida dropped infinitesimal tears, hating herself for being so weak, detesting the way she desired comfort from him despite being the cause of his sorrows, despising that she so was helpless against her pain.
"Isabel and Farlan."
Ida sniffed quietly, forest green eyes widening as she heard Levi's soft voice and two unfamiliar names. For the first time, his voice sounded so vulnerable, so weak, totally missing the confident and haughty note that he always had. She pushed him off her gently to look at his face, her eyes wide with curiosity.
It was an image she would always remember — how the elite, perfect flawless Captain finally displayed a flicker of grief and regret in his cold eyes, and how he finally showed that he too was human and capable of experiencing pain.
"They were my first comrades, we met in the Underground City and joined the Survey Corps together..." Levi's voice was soft, hesitant, but he pushed himself to continue on. "They died on our first expedition…"
Levi deadlocked his eyes with forest green ones, the brief moment of vulnerability gone and only replaced with blank emptiness. He fought to keep his last vestige of strength so as to not collapse on top of Ida beneath him. "It was my pride that killed them. I left them to fend for themselves believing in their abilities, even though I knew they were afraid, even though I knew very well how they placed on a bold and strong front, but in all damn reality, they were fucking trembling in fear. They followed me here and my mistakes and bad judgment killed them."
Ida didn't move. She didn't breathe. She remained paralyzed at his words and suddenly remembered the times where she felt she saw a certain pain underneath the coldness of his eyes. She had wanted to ask him about it a couple of times, but she had certainly never expected Levi to tell her by himself.
She realized how lonely he must have been, how hard it was for him to carry on without somebody to confide in.
Just how long has he been suffering?
At that moment, Ida felt as if a veil had lifted off her vision, and for some reason, Levi didn't seem that untouchable after all. The perfect man wasn't that far from her reach.
"The prestigious titles that we carry — it was intended to be a show of courage, valor, and heroism, a ray of hope for weak. But with each success, each Titan we bring down and with every fucking badge of honor pinned to our chest, our burdens grow heavier and heavier. Until we grow fucking frustrated and tired of escaping death."
Levi paused for a moment as if trying to come up with the right words to say. "But things are expected from us… Not from the piss poor brats hiding pathetically behind the Walls, but that expectation comes from the hopes of our fallen comrades…"
She did not reply and Levi scoffed. "Tch. That is the only reason why I am still fighting, Ida. What about you?"
As she pondered on the answer to his question, she stared deeply into his eyes. Those cold eyes; she had forgotten how haunting they looked. Those eyes could have seen through a person easily, like a predator stalking its prey. Ida felt like she was transparent from the way he was looking at her.
It was then she realized Levi was the same as her. Along with the similar title he carried, he also harbored the same sins and regrets.
He understood her agony.
Levi Ackerman, the ever-perfect man, who Ida had once thought was untouchable, who Ida spitefully hated because she was jealous. Someone like that... could understand her…?
It was not possible. But it was.
She began to mentally peel away his protective layers, slowly realizing the reason behind his aggressive and brash demeanor.
It took a great amount of cruelty and strength in one person to be able to lead those who were little more than children beyond the walls, knowing that only a few of them would return. Only strong individuals with little to no principles and morals could ever stomach the task. It required unmoving, frozen hearts to face the waiting families of their fallen comrades to tell them of the untimely deaths of their beloved children.
The easiest option out was to become cold and unfeeling, to be completely incapable of feeling pain or suffering. A stoic nature and hard inhumane mentality of stone were the easiest adaptation to escape.
And it was that adaptation that Levi had adopted over his long years of service.
Lifting a trembling hand up, she landed a soft warm hand on his cheek, a small smile etching on her lips — a thankful smile. Ida was grateful that despite all everything she had been through, there was always someone who understood her, someone to find comfort in, that she didn't have to feel lonely.
"I… didn't know.."
"You are the second strongest, or so they fucking say. So fucking act like one," Levi smooth voice spilled from his slightly agape lips, not moving an inch as Ida's hand cradled the side of his face. "You were granted strength in your life, you can still fight for them."
Tears escaped her lower lashes, consciously aware of her elevated heartbeat that quickened with his every word.
Ida had always hated the title of second strongest that was bestowed upon her, it came as an insult towards her, a title bringing nothing but endless burdens, loneliness, and fatigue — it was a glaring reminder that she would always be second place behind him.
But it was only when Levi Ackerman referred to her by her title that she felt pride and happiness for once.
It was only because of her title that she was allowed to create such sweet memories with her comrades, that she was able to relish in happiness and comfort like this, that she was allowed to remain beside him.
Dragging her heavy arms around him, Ida pulled a stoic Levi back into her arms.
Two pained and hurt individuals found comfort in each other; a secret bond that held them together rigidly despite their arguments — a secret bond that only they understood.
They were vulnerable and transparent in front of each other, stripped of the protective barriers that they harbored to built around themselves. They understood in each other the pain, hardship, and burdens on a level that no one else would. And Ida somehow knew that they will always be there for each other. They didn't have to wallow in emptiness and loneliness.
They could depend on each other.
Ida Starke was never more grateful to have Levi Ackerman by her side.
Some relished death, whilst many others feared it. As sure as the sun will set, death was unavoidable for all humans, whether they chose to accept it or otherwise. Some left the world in luxury, in the comforts of their families and riches awhile some died degradingly, their bodies never claimed and left in the slumps.
There was no dignity in grieving and neither was there in overlooking your innermost emotions. Death was grief, death was sorrows, and death was pain. With each time a soldier would buckle their gear and prepare their horses, they would have to mentally prepare for it, for Ida knew that one can only run from death for so long.
Everyone dies; strangers, families, comrades...
And for once, Ida accepted that. Levi made her understand that while the presence of their fallen comrades would no longer be there, their undying spirits will always linger in their hearts — giving the power to carry on until the day they finally take their final breaths.
They were strongest, the tainted, the sinners, the gods of the battlefields and they only had one task in their lives — to obliterate every Titan beyond the Walls and fight for humanity's freedoms in the name of the fallen that had passed before them.
And perhaps someday, they would finally be free of the burdens of their titles.
Both Levi and Ida didn't know when nor did they know where they would accomplish it — they could very well be watching it from above in the heavens or on the promised lands of ice and green fields beyond the tall walls that held humanity captive.
All that matters now is that they have the strength to carry on and the will power to continue fighting...
Because they knew that had the spirits of their fallen comrades giving them strength and the warm comforting supporting hands of each other.
o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o
"How is she?" Erwin Smith questioned the moment he arrived at the hideout. He was panting slightly after rushing here from the headquarters when he heard Ida had fallen severely ill.
He knew from Levi's report that she was emotionally unstable, but he was shocked that it got a point that her health was affected.
What the hell has Levi been doing, letting her get to that state?
Hanji shrugged, pulling a chair out and sitting down. She supposed that Erwin would be worried — Ida was a valuable asset to the Survey Corps, her strength was unquestionable; it was appalling to even think she would keel over not from a battle with Titans but from an infected wound.
"I currently have no idea of her condition. Levi is with her in his room and hasn't come out since. He's sleeping on a chair next to her."
"In his room?" Erwin parroted, moving out of his way instantly to go check out the condition of his daughter for himself.
But before he could enter Levi's room, Ida strolled weakly out of it. She stopped when she saw him, her expression neutral.
"Why are you here, Erwin?" Ida bluntly questioned when a tall blonde figure stood in front of her in her tracks.
Erwin was appalled at her ghost-like appearance. He held onto her shoulders in haste, scanning his worried eyes laced with nothing but concern on her body in search of any further abnormalities.
She has gotten considerably skinnier and a large bandage was wrapped around her head. "What happened to you? Are you alright?"
"Don't touch me," Ida shook his hands off her, frowning. "Shouldn't you be planning how to get the Military pig's grimy paws off Eren or something instead of neglecting your duties and coming here for a pointless visit?"
"If she can come up with so many insults, then it's obvious she's fine, Erwin," Levi grumbled, exiting the room. His face darkened as he gave her a once over now that she was in better lighting. "Oi, come down to eat something after you're done talking. Even those damned Titans wouldn't want to eat you after seeing your state."
Turning around on his heel, Levi left for the dining hall, leaving the father and daughter pair to continue their conversation.
"I'm glad that you are feeling better…" Erwin started tonelessly, focusing his eyes down to look his petite red-haired daughter who looked so much like her mother. He paused for a moment, trying to come up with the right words to say. "I know that accepting the death of your squad was hard and I'm sorry for your loss—"
"If you're here to give me your condolences, then save it. As you can tell, I'm alive and well, so go back to the headquarters." Ida sharp words cut through Erwin's words like a fresh wound. Rolling her eyes away, she started to move away from him. "I won't kick the damned bucket over this — I can continue fighting for the Survey Corps."
"Wait, Ida." Erwin caught onto her hands. He was surprised that Ida didn't react as violently as he had expected, instead, she turned to look at him expectantly.
"…I'm sorry." He managed to mutter after a pregnant pause. "This was the result of my plan, a plan that I chose to go through despite knowing the consequences."
She scoffed, averting her eyes to the flickering candles in the hallway. There was a long pause between them before Ida spoke again, "I can't say that I don't hate you for literally condemning my squad to death with your orders and abandoning me when I was young."
Erwin tried to say something but Ida quickly continued.
"But..." Ida flashed her gaze back to him, understanding slipping through her expression. "I also can't say that I don't understand your actions, Erwin. You did what you thought best for humanity and for the legion and you're right, perhaps with each step, each sacrifice, we'd be able to achieve the impossible. So don't apologize for fighting for what hundreds of your soldiers have died for. Don't be sorry. I understand you. What you did… was right."
He was at a loss for the words when Ida gave him a small smile, patting his shoulder before she left for the dining hall, leaving him completely appalled and wondering what had happened to her.
After recovering from his initial shock, Erwin followed her into the dining hall, watching his red-haired daughter shout an insult to Levi who in turn scowled and flicked her forehead.
As long as she was happy, as long as she was alive, Erwin could never be more content.
"Hehehe."
He swirled around at the sound of the snickering laughs, watching a certain squad leader giggle silently at the scene unfolding in front of their eyes. Narrowing his eyes, he asked, "What are you laughing at, Hanji?"
Hanji couldn't hold back the excited little laugh that bubbled out from her when she realized exactly what Levi was doing. "Oh, this is going to be so good!" she clapped her hands together in glee.
"What?" Erwin followed her gaze and immediately caught on the situation. "Levi and Ida?"
Wiggling her brows, she whispered suggestively towards her Commander. "Hey, how long do you think it would take for Ida to find out?"
"Heh." He let out an amused chuckled himself, crossing his arms. "It depends, she can be very dense and stubborn at times, but at least it seems that Levi has dropped the subtle approach."
He frowned subtlety at the thought of Levi and his daughter together. He knew that Levi had an interest in her, or perhaps even an attachment, but he didn't know if it had reached a point of calling it love yet.
"I told him not to get so wound up around her," Erwin mumbled calmly, making a face.
"Pfft! Please! Look at him! He is hooked!" Hanji chortled, not knowing that Erwin was feeling increasingly uncomfortable with fatherly worries. "Just this afternoon I've given him some advice on acquiring his target. Hah! You should have seen how flustered he got, it was hilarious!"
"Acquiring his target?" Erwin echoed with a deep frown, not liking the sound of it. "What do you mean?"
Hanji crossed her arms over her chest, glad at the development in the couple. She knew that Levi would eventually reach out to Ida and get her out of her emotional depressive circle she had confined herself in sooner or later. "Oh, you know, things that happen between a man and woman…"
Erwin choked on his saliva instantly, horrified at that thought. Hanji gasped, patting the back of her Commander in concern. "Hey! You ok Erwin?"
"I'm fine…" Erwin mumbled out, wiping the sides of his mouth. He took a mental note to confront Levi about this matter afterward.
"Hmmm…" Hanji relaxed when his coughing died down, moving her attention back to the pair seated at the very end of the hall. She winced in sympathy when she saw the scene, making a face. "Gods, he really doesn't know anything, does he?"
Both soldiers watched in silence as Levi forcibly stuffed a piece of bread into Ida's mouth, shouting at her to just shut up and eat while Ida flailed her arms in the air, pieces of bread flying out of her mouth as she choked on it.
Erwin pursed his lips and he analyzed the scene. There was no way that Levi liked his daughter that way, it was probably just one of Hanji's stupid assumptions. It's not the first time the slightly crazy squad leader came up with some crazy theory anyway.
Levi probably cared for her in a subordinate way; maybe he was just attached to Ida because she amused him.
"Are you trying to kill me, you midget bastard?!" Ida shrieked after gulping down a glass of water. "Is this your way of treating a sick person?"
Levi kept his unfazed expression. "Just eat and shut up."
She rolled her eyes away in irritation, slamming her cup back down on the table. She reached out for her dinner, feeling incredibly hungry from starving herself, but Levi fingers suddenly curled underneath her chin and pulled her face towards him.
"You even eat pathetically like a shitty brat that you are. You've got disgusting crumbs all over your mouth." Levi wiped the breadcrumbs away from her mouth and cheeks with his fingers. His frown deepened as he concentrated on wiping the crumbs away from her mouth.
"Ugh, how filthy." Levi made a twisted face.
"Would you look at that development!" Hanji laughed gleefully to Erwin. "Who would've thought that Levi would one day unnecessarily touch something filthy with his bare hands?"
Erwin paled. Could it be? Did the stoic and cold-hearted Captain feel something more for Ida Starke? His daughter?
The Commander was aware of the gossip and talk going on among the legion — the talks about a certain intimidating Corporal and an elite redhead. The talk varied from different things, from how the soldiers feared their strict no-nonsense characters, to how amazing their battle skills were and how they could and would probably kill any soldier who put a toe out of the line.
Ida Starke pretty much shared the same reputation as her partner — strict, intimidating, and reserved, always parading around a cool, dull-faced expression.
But then, there was also gossip that would leave Erwin contemplating the relationship between his elite Captain and his only daughter. Of course, there was the harmless gossip that spread in the legion, like how many found Ida and Levi a cute love team and called Eren their 'kid' since they take turns to keep him in check.
And then, there was the more 'dirty' and 'adult' gossip that would leave his blood running cold.
Erwin had originally wanted to investigate where the source of that gossip came from. He knew it probably one of the loud-mouth scouts, but he couldn't be too sure. Oluo, perhaps? If he ever did find out though, he would make it a point to question him or her mercilessly.
Far away at the Survey Corps headquarters, Eren Yeager sneezed out loud. He sniffled and pinched his nose. "I wonder who is cursing me…" he mumbled, before continuing to talk to his classmates who had leaned in inventively to listen.
"So… As I was saying, now Captain Levi and Ida-san are having a lover's argument, it looks pretty bad... You should've seen how loving they were back in the days, once, I overheard them doing some dirty stuff, gods, it was so embarrassing!" Eren continued with great enthusiasm.
Jean's jaw dropped. "You can't be serious, we are talking about that midget here!"
"Seriously Eren?! Tell me more!" Connie gasped in disbelief.
Armin hid his red face behind his hands, "Oh god!"
"I'll make it a point to punish that damn shorty for tainting your innocence, Eren," Mikasa promised with a clenched fist, a murderous aura clinging onto her.
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