There's a bit of back and forth for these first chapters but I have enjoyed writing their love story so much that I can't help myself.

Chapter 4 - Bittersweet

September 2004

Washington, DC

It was still dark when a taxi dropped Mac off Dulles. She passed security and meandered her way to a quiet corner nearest the windows where she could busy herself watching planes being prepped for flight.

Despite the constant travel, flights out to a carrier or trips to different corners of the World, she hated planes and always would. The crash into the jungles of Paraguay had cemented that sentiment and it was always with a sense of trepidation that she boarded an aircraft saying a prayer as it prepared for take off.

Over a year ago they'd touched down in a small jet. Webb's injuries turned severe as they neared Dulles and a waiting ambulance whisked him to the hospital while she, Gunny and Harm were to report immediately to Langley for debriefing.

There had been little time for intimacy or conversation or anything fledgling couples should do. They parted ways to get personal effects in order and she'd only meet with Harm a day later when he offered to pick her up on the way to JAG only to learn that he was out - out for good.

May 2003

JAG Headquarters

Harm didn't believe that Chegwidden had the balls to push through his resignation. With Bud's injury a year prior and Manetti heading to Naples, senior staff was at a premium - the kind with his knowledge and skills were practically non-existent.

But he was deemed 'not a team player', a phrase that hurt more than he wanted to admit. It was bad enough to enter JAG's hallowed grounds as a civilian, it was worse to be dressed down with zero regard for his rank of Commander.

Chegwidden was pissed, understandably so but it was their belief that Harm would be allowed to return. There would surely be punishment of some sort, weeks of rubber stamping and silly motions that a legal aid could work through. He was prepared for the mundane but not this complete about face.

It was Mac who stood, her fists clenched at her side, body shaking in anger. Marine decorum slipped and in a moment of clarity she yelled back, defending the man who rescued her.

"Admiral, he saved my life!"

"Stand down, Marine."

She overpowered her training, that innate need to snap to attention when her commanding officer spoke. "No, I won't. I won't stand down. You took an oath, we all did to leave no man behind-"

"And I warned you, I gave you an out that you didn't take, Colonel...And you." He set his sights on Harm and sighed heavily, a hand rubbing his bald spot in effort to calm himself. "If you would have given me time, a day, I could have helped you. Hell, I would have gone with you."

"I couldn't stay here any longer. I couldn't stay and do nothing, my gut told me to go and I went. She would have died, sir. Mac would have died."

It was Harm's tone which shook Chegwidden and the look in his eyes that had darkened to obsidian. This wasn't an emotionally driven pursuit by a man with obsessions, this was life and death - real life and death.

Chegwidden sat on the edge of his desk and motioned for the pair before him to relax as well. The role of commanding officer was often great as it was a terrible thing. He stared at Mac for a moment, his acute gift of reading body language noted the subtle differences. "How bad was it, Mac?"

"Bad, sir. If the Commander hadn't arrived this conversation wouldn't be happening." She took a breath, stared down at her hands is if they held some sort of answer. Mac hadn't allowed herself to think about Paraguay, those memories were meant to stay behind but, at that moment, there was a flash from the past. "I was tied down and I suspect I would get the same treatment as Webb - steel wool and car batteries."

Being a SEAL Chegwidden had first hand knowledge of the atrocities humans inflicted on humans and his gut wrenched to think that Mac had experienced any of it. "Kershaw promised, he swore you'd be kept safe. They had contacts, trusted allies."

"And they betrayed us. Webb's contact in Paraguay trusted the wrong people."

"I'm sorry."

"You did warn me but it was a call of duty that none of us would have neglected. Harm shouldn't be punished for this."

Chegwidden let out a breath, his eyes focusing on Harm who sat deceptively quiet. The man had been right to chase after his partner but the method was uncalled for. "I can't unring this bell even if he rescued you. The wrong people in the government know of Harm's involvement. There's bureaucratic bullshit and politics involved the likes I've never seen. I can't simply tear up his resignation like it never happened."

The men were civil, a commanding officer promising to reevaluate a now former senior officer's future and the handshake which followed. If it was awkward for Harm to walk through the bullpen or fill a bankers box full of personal effects, no one knew. He kept his feelings deep within even as he tossed his cover at Tiner with a wish that it would bring him better luck.

And then he kissed her. Out of the blue, so unexpected that it left Mac dazed, Harm kissed her slowly and passionately in the middle of the bullpen so that everyone knew why he left. "I'll see you later."

Several hours passed since his return, almost a full work day when she stepped outside to find him seated by the gardens as he waited in the seating covered by a canopy of trees. He had the oddest of expressions that she couldn't quite pin down and as they drove to her apartment, the only sound was that of the tires rolling over asphalt.

He didn't ask about her day nor did she ask about his even as the silence became the suffocating kind. Mac figured he was weighing the cost of her little adventure just as much as she'd ruminated on the 'what ifs.' She wondered where they'd be had Webb's offer been declined.

Their interlude at a hotel in Paraguay would have remained a fantasy because, as much as they wanted each other, finding the kindling to light their flame was improbable. They needed a spark and unfortunately, her near death experience was it; a fact that was terribly bittersweet.

She concealed her frown by staring out the window, hoping he didn't notice the change that came on so suddenly it made her stomach twist in knots. Was it worth trading his commission for her life? Would he come to regret his resignation if their combustion blew so far out of control it destroyed them?

It had only been a few hours, less than a day and she already missed him. Harm's office was dark, the evidence that he'd once been her neighbor disappeared as the minutes ticked on by. Files were removed from his office, posters that he'd left behind went next and then, finally came the last dagger - his name plate.

'Cmdr. H. Rabb.' It had proudly hung over his door for nearly ten years, a tell-tale sign that you were part of JAG's elite. Maintenance slid the black plastic out of its holder and dropped it into the nearest waste bin. He was tossed out like trash and to Mac that just didn't seem fair.

Before leaving she took a final stab at Chegwidden and offered to trade her commission for Harm's only to be reminded that her former partner had made his bed long before Paraguay. Dejectedly, she headed out to find him in jeans and a button down shirt wearing a visitors pass.

Part of what she loved was the uniform. While a plethora of men wore it well, with Harm it was a second skin. She would miss seeing him in Winter blues, Summer whites, peanut butters and flight suits.

She would miss crossing paths with him in the bullpen and the infamous banter no one else understood. She'd miss the inside jokes, late nights working on cases that lead to epoc courtroom battles. She would miss eye contact through their office windows and the hidden smile neither could fully avert. It was all part of what made their partnership so unique and with one fail swoop, it was gone.

Harm followed her into the elevator and noticed her discomfort even when he was allowed into the apartment. He stood by the door and tried to avoid the tension, the awkward way Mac stood at the center of her living room as if seeing it for the first time.

The place was recently cleaned, evident by the welcoming scent of apple and cinnamon.

Her apartment was spotless with not a speck of dust or misplaced item, even her throw was neatly placed across the back of the sofa and the pillows were fluffed and upright. A fresh sheen of polish was noticeable on her coffee table where a glass vase full of vibrant yellow roses sat on display.

"I cleaned." Harm shrugged when she turned to face him, eyes wide with curiosity. He busied himself at her apartment, entered with the key she'd given him nearly a decade ago and although it was immaculate, he cleaned anyway.

"You didn't have to."

"I fixed a few things while you were gone, too Leaky toilet, cleaned the fireplace. It kept my head out of darker thoughts, I guess. I needed something to do with you gone."

"Harm, you really didn't have to do any of this."

"I wanted to. I had to." He was moving slowly towards her, stopping only a foot away. Harm's hands itched to pull her close when the overwhelming desire to hold her ratcheted the tension between them. "Mac-"

One hand came to her arm, the other snaked around her waist. He didn't have to pull too hard because the woman collapsed against him two seconds later. She nearly made him fall but his strong legs held them upright when Mac's head buried into his shoulders as she cried.

The weight of the past three weeks finally broke the Marine who could no longer uphold the perfect veneer and the tears Mac held back rushed out like an unstoppable floodgate.

Each sob stole her breath when the memories of Paraguay played like a movie behind her closed eyes. She held onto Harm for dear life and was thankful that his body held her upright when her legs threatened to give out.

He saved her. This man holding her so tightly in his arms had given up everything to find her, to bring her home like a true lifeline. Death was certain given her and Webb's situation. Her body would have been dumped in the middle of nowhere, never to be recovered - until he found her. He found her and he loved her and Mac would be indebted to him for life. "Thank you… Thank you, thank you, thank you."

"Did you think I would stay behind?" Harm kissed the top of her head and held on a little tighter, his own tears didn't come as much of a surprise.

He'd buried the desire to break down because, in Paraguay, there was little time for those emotions.

He should have given in earlier today but there was no reason to until now when the rush wore off and his feelings busted wide open. "It's okay. It'll be okay."

The light of day mostly vanished when Harm found himself lying in the center of her bed, reclined against pillows with Mac sitting astride him. He hadn't questioned when she took his hand and pulled him through the apartment to her bedroom then stripped him out of his clothing. And he certainly couldn't stop her when Mac took him in her mouth, a sweet torture that nearly made his legs buckle.

Even when she bent over and kissed him with lips that were salty from tears, he still didn't question Mac's actions because he saw it for what it was - comfort. She needed the comfort of his touch, the warmth of his skin and the physical form of love that required no words, simply the skin on skin embodiment that made her feel normal again.

There was no ticking time clock, no terrorist or bumbling spy hovering on the outskits ready to punce. It was simple and complicated; it was peace. When Harm's nimble fingers stroked her intimately, when his hands cupped her breasts, when he kissed her like he loved her - it was their peace.

He'd eventually roll them over, threading his fingers with Mac's, pinning her hands against the mattress as he kissed her. Long, tanned legs wrapped high around his waist. Her thighs cradled his body when he entered her again and stopped to take a breath.

There were so many things he needed to tell her starting with the response to her affirmation of love but he couldn't formulate how. I love you would sound absolutely meaningless after all they went through. The words weren't enough and so he kissed her again as their bodies rocked together to a slow kind of lovemaking he once thought was boring but with her it felt astonishing.

"Make me come." She begged, gasping as Harm came to his knees and thrusted harder into her, not stopping until Mac screamed his name.

Harm woke in the middle of the night laying in an unfamiliar bed that was placed in an unfamiliar room with an unfamiliar body pressed against his. And she was still unfamiliar because he'd yet to map out every inch of her.

Mac was still asleep and far more relaxed than the woman in Paraguay that slept with visible worry lines and a body that shook from nightmares. She was home and safe and he would make sure it remained that way. There was still a madman on the loose, one that would eventually find them and Harm was determined to stop Sadik Fahd at all costs.

For now he found comfort laying in her bed with Mac's warm body curled against his; a dream that he once believed would never come true. He had fantasies about this moment, the explicit kinds that often drove him mad and now, it was reality. She was lovelier than he could have imagined, his sweet sin that he hoped to indulge in again and again.

With reluctance he pulled out of her embrace, used the head and slipped on his boxers. The plan was to make breakfast. Something rich and decadent but the sparsity of her kitchen left them without sustenance and he returned with a meager glass of orange juice, the only survivor from when he cleaned out her fridge.

"Hey, did I wake you?"

"You did but, I don't mind." Mac lay on her side, her head propped up on her hand, she smiled at him when he sat next to her and offered his juice that she eagerly drank from.

"I wanted to make you breakfast but there isn't much in your fridge."

"This is fine, more than fine. Thank you."

He finished the juice, set the glass on the night stand and then settled himself back in bed. Mac's body heat was like a drug, her skin a siren's song he wanted to drown in. For a moment he wondered how he denied himself such simple pleasures and as his lips stopped a fraction away from kissing hers, he knew this was it. She was always the one. "I never thought I'd wind up in your bed."

"I didn't either, although I hoped. Maybe I prayed a little too." She turned into him, draping a leg over his as their lips met in the gentlest of kisses.

It amazed her how cozy this felt and the pieces which scrambled several weeks prior were finally beginning to fit.

Harm lay in bed watching her reflection through the vanity mirror with curious interest. She wore a silk kimono and was engaged in her morning routine. Never was he so interested in seeing a woman put on makeup but as she swiped the gloss across her lips, he felt himself harden. Why was such a simple act so...so...erotic?

With a heavy sigh he sat up against her pillows, she would be leaving for work and he wasn't sure what to do. "Doesn't Chegwidden believe in time off? It's not like you came back from a vacation in Disney World."

"From what I gathered yesterday, senior staff is at a premium."

"Gee, I wonder why." Harm rolled his eyes and sighed heavily again. He still wouldn't trade this or her for JAG but the boyish petulance wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

"How do we do this?" Mac said suddenly, her reflection staring at his through the mirror.

"What?"

"This." She motioned between the two of them and an odd sense of apprehension filled the space between them.

"A relationship?"

"Is that it is?"

"It's definitely not a one night stand...A two night stand, maybe?" His grin that was usually infectious was anything but and Harm realized his attempt at levity wasn't well received when she sighed and turned to face him.

"I'm being serious, Harm. What exactly are we now? Friends? Lovers? Friends with benefits? As nice as all of that sounds and at the risk of sounding clingy I don't want this if it isn't real."

"Why wouldn't this be real?" He was confused but then, most women were confusing especially Mac who he found to be almost an enigma with the way she ignored his dress whites and what he thought was a killer smile. "You think I don't want you?"

"I don't think that. You'd have to be heartless to fake what happened but, my ex's. They wanted me. Mic wanted me but if he really cared, why didn't he stay?"

"Let's not talk about ex's, Mac. We both carry a ton of baggage in that department and Mic was an ass that didn't treat you particularly well in my opinion. I'm not him; I'm not any of them."

Mac dropped her gaze and the overwhelming sense of guilt made her want to cry. All of her significant others left, all of them. Why would Harm be any different when she took away all that he was?

"I'm afraid of resentment from you. The Admiral let me come back, he let me stay. Why not you? Chegwidden has damn near broken the rules and now that the chips are down... I don't understand."

Harm spent the past day coming to terms with his current state of affairs. There was no hurt or anger, just acceptance and the more he mulled over his resignation, the more hopeful he felt. Yes, he'd miss the Navy and JAG and the perks of having active flight status but, he wanted her more than any of those things.

In his mind, this was a mere bump in the road that would eventually lead him back and all would be right in the World. "I'm a loose cannon, remember? Even if Lindsey is serving time now, that report still holds weight. The SECNAV finally found a way to make an example of me."

"Making an example of the Navy's poster boy? How does that make any sense?"

"I don't know but you heard Chegwidden...there's no unringing the bell."

"What will you do?"

"I'll be okay for a while, I have plenty in savings. Plus, there's a ton of work to be done in the loft that I never have time for." The wooden floors needed to be stripped and rewaxed, some of the cabinets needed replacing. Then there were the glass blocks that he considered removing in favor of a more conventional bathroom.

"What about your plane?" Mac asked as she stood and pulled a fresh uniform out of her closet that she lay at the edge of the bed. "You could get your license, be a flight instructor."

Now that was an idea because as much as he loved flying Mach 3, the smaller planes had such maneuverability they packed enough g-force to make them fun. "Not in Sarah, though. She means a little too much to have a student pilot wreck her. But, a flight school is a nice idea to kick around. Maybe the one outside of town needs an experienced pilot?"

"There's always the law, I'm sure at least ten private law firms would salivate to have you."

"No. I'm done being a lawyer." He'd prosecuted and defended, investigated and traveled. Besides the lucrative pay, private law always felt a bit dirty to him. He believed in the truth, they believed in the almighty dollar. "Mac, don't worry about me so much, this is a good thing, you know?"

Her fingers stopped as they'd been straightening the ribbons on her jacket. She stood wearing a half-open blouse and skirt waiting for an answer from him that made some kind of sense. "How?"

"One of us would have to give up our military careers to make us work." Although others have dated while in the same chain of command, when things got sticky it had disrupted morale and the good working order of the military; he didn't want to be a statistic. "You know it's true."

"You'll resent me."

"Stop saying that…I know what I did and I'd do it again - for you." Harm had crawled across the bed and kneeled at the end making them more or less eye level. His hands cupped her face and he tried not to smear her make up when his lips pressed against hers. "Come to my place after work. I'll make dinner."

"Dinner huh? What about dessert?" She waggled her eyebrows suggestively making him laugh at the innuendo. "I really, really love dessert."

"Well I was planning on having you for dessert... I'm curious to see what you look like tangled in my sheets." His voice had taken a low tone and while Mac knew she'd be late for work, she allowed him to push the blouse off her shoulders while placing kisses at the hollow of her throat.

"Harm, I'll be late." But, she wasn't quite stopping the fingers that flicked her bra open, the mouth that clasped over one taut nipple nor the hands that pulled down her skirt. She pressed against him, moaning when his palm cupped her covered mound and one deft finger slipped inside her. "Oh, don't stop."

"Okay but, you'll be late." Harm's teasing tone was thick and sexy. He quickly found that an aroused Mac was one of his most favorite things. Skin flushed, lips parted, eyes closed, she was beautiful and her body hummed as he curled a finger inside her.

In a flash he pulled her into bed, his body covered hers as Mac raised her hips so that he could slide her skirt off. "I'll make this quick."

"No, just be good." She dared as her hand wrapped around Harm's length and she guided him into her. "I don't believe in quickies."

"Neither do I, not with you."