To see a Darkened Sun
chapter 15
Soon the heavenly bliss fell away, and replacing it was the world once more. Their lips finally parting, Gwyndolin couldn't help but sigh as his eyes once again took in the view of Arias' face. He was so handsome, like a true gentleman, the kind he'd read about in books. Nothing like himself.
They were quick to clean up, Gwyndolin in particular was quite worried about the sheets of the bed, Arias didn't really see why, he'd seen a lot worse than just a small stain but oh well, that's royalty for you. Finally when all was done, they laid with each other in the surprisingly comfortable sheets of Gwyndolin's bed.
Gwyndolin shuffled around somewhat nervously, turning over so he could look Arias in the eyes,. Then he just started speaking, not really to Arias in particular, though he was a good listener, but he felt like deep down he needed to speak about this, as if it had gone far too long unspoken.
"Fate is such a cruel thing, soon thou wilt have to link the flame and I shalt never see thee again. Always so cruel, and it feels as though that it always was to me in particular. Born under the moon, which is traditionally feminine, it seemed as though I was destined to be a lady."
"Though when I was born, I was not as I should have been. Like I was, corrupted, wrong. I was born as a boy, with small snakelets slithering from mine shins in the place of feet. And of course that was just the beginning of things."
"When I was older, only about 10 or 11 years old, mine father left one day, to speak to an old acquaintance he'd told me. With him gone mine siblings were to care for me. That was the day I truly realized, just how negatively I was seen by the other gods, even family. Mine older brother, the eldest, was quite vulgar and direct, harshly so, Though that is to be expected of a god of war. He told me immediately that he saw no value in me, a small fragile... m-mistake... that could not take up arms to defend what they held dear, a pathetic life of an insect is what he told me."
"He just ignored me from then onwards, as if I were not worth even his acknowledgment. So later I spoke with mine sister, Gwynevere, she was much less direct, but there was that same disdain and malice in her gaze I could see even as a child. I would be lying if I said I felt no sadness, not it almost felt as though I were betrayed. But that look was one that I would grow accustomed to."
"As I told thee, none hast ever loved me, I was alone. And then, when mine father Gwyn left to become kindling for the fading flame, he told me... That I must never take the throne, that it simply was not mine place... m- mine.. Mine own father!" He cried out suddenly, the tears pouring out uncontrollably now as he once again held onto Arias as if for dear life. There was a brief moment as Gwyndolin wept in the silence of the room, hiding his face in Arias' chest, barely noticing him patting his back gently.
"I always thought it was because of mine... abnormalities, the snakes, mine eyes and gender, but that wasn't the root of the hatred."
"As a child I was lead to believe that mine mother was the goddess of sin Velka. I never saw reason to question it, but many nights after mine father passed, I was researching the history of our land, and discovered that Velka was banished from Anor Londo many decades before mine birth. Piqued with a new curiosity, that was when I discovered that in truth..." He took a long deep breath before proceeding.
"I, Dark Sun Gwyndolin, am the product of the forbidden relations of a lord and an unknown being of the dark." His voice was quivering so much he was barely audible at this point, but Arias still heard what he'd said, speechless, as the god finally looked back up into his eyes with tears clouding the defeated and battered soul within his own. He begun to speak again before Arias could gather his thoughts and respond.
"Such sin even I mineself could forgive... And to think it was committed by mine father of all people... I wish I knew why... But as things stand, I should be grateful that I was allowed life in the beginning. Now privy to this information, I can see why mine siblings, and indeed what felt like all of Lordran loathed me, I can see the burden I truly am. Maybe it was even mine existence that caused the flame to fade, and the tragedies that ensued."
"...So it was, when they all left, I remained, last god of Anor Londo, if I can be called that in the first place... I could not let the people see me for what I was, nor the moon taking the place of the bright sun in the sky, the very hopes and beliefs of the people were at stake, I had no choice. I casted illusion after illusion that day, to hide it all from them, to keep them safe, I even created the Blades of the Darkmoon to watch over them, to ensure the Kingdom's prosperity."
"But I could not let them know the truth, the Blades were all forbidden from laying eyes upon mine form and even then what they would see would have been mere illusion again."
"I could tell none, and none could even see me. As I said there was no choice the fate of others forced me down this path, I never had a say in any of it. So I grew colder, and soon only saw people as pieces on a chess board. That was 'til thou begun hollowing, and thou camst to me, upset and fearful."
"Thine faith in me, no more importantly thine trust and honesty. It was alien almost. Of course all the Blades believe in me and trust me but they never dare to cross their boundaries, fearful of me at the same time. I was, glad in all honesty, that thou trusted in me so. I suppose thou could'st say that thou'st granted me the first moment of happiness I can remember, which, thinking about it now, is likely what made me fall in love with thee."
"But as things progressed, I grew fearful that thou wouldst pierce the remaining thin veil of facade hiding mine true appearance from thee. It terrified me, the mere thought of thine, disgusted reaction, or disappointment. But I still wanted thee even though there were the taboos, even though I know mine father would be disgusted. The feeling was just too strong."
"I somehow couldn't be without thee anymore, the very image of thine back as thou walked away was all it took to bring me to tears, but when the crown fell off the fear came back. O how scared I was, the fear, it almost drowned me with mine own tears."
"I didn't know what thou wouldst do when thou discovered the truth, wouldst thou be repulsed, wouldst thou even... kill me." He stopped again and looked away briefly, but looking back he almost forced himself to go on.
"But then, thou brought mineself into such an embrace I- I forgot mine fears altogether and for the first time was at peace. I no longer felt the burden that I was. And I suppose- I suppose it is for that I must thank thee, again and again, for this brief respite in which I can feel so free of the wretched creature that I am." He finally finished, melancholically gazing into Arias' eyes with something of a resignation hidden within the tired irises.
Arias took a minute to process all the information he'd just received, he'd never expected Gwyndolin to be in a poor state of mind at all, let alone this. It was massively overwhelming, but he steeled himself, forcing himself to be strong and think of a way to comfort him as those defeated eyes made his very soul call out to protect him.
"Gwyndolin" He sighed, preparing himself to move on before he was quickly interrupted.
"Oh Arias. Do not worry, I want not for thy sympathy, nor thy condolences. I am well aware what I am, and I refuse to be tricked into believing in a coincidentally pleasant lie... Whether it be mine, or thine." Gwyndolin spoke, surprisingly stern. His eyes then closed as he laid his back down onto Arias' chest. He opened his mouth to speak again when Arias took the time to butt in and do exactly what he'd just been told not to.
"I think you already have fallen victim to those lies of which you speak." He stated, Gwyndolin looked up at him, mouth agape and eyes wide with shock.
"I'm an accursed undead, a victim of the curse, my flesh is branded and there is nothing I can do in the face of my inevitable decline into madness. I've seen the hollows, the countless victims of their own ambitions crashing down, the emptiness of life. I almost became that myself, though here I still stand for reasons I don't even know. Most of my memories are long gone, now all that remains from those old unknown days of endless speculation is the visions."
"As of recent I've seen them, appalling creatures I can barely describe. Countless teeth sharp as a blade, gigantic, scaly, furry, horns, small eyes, featureless face, mounds of flesh and agony, large wide open wounds that don't bleed. And even with my newer memories, you saw the bed of chaos, and the demons around it, the sheer destruction...
"I may have lost my memory, but even I am well aware of the horrors lurking in our world, compared to those true abominations, abyssal or not you're still far from a wretched creature. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you. Those old gods, lingering on old dragon slaying glory, unable to recognize true horror dwelling underneath them, and they'd have the gall to treat their own with such hate."
"And besides, even with all that said. What you are doesn't dictate who you are." Arias finished. He wasn't sure if what he'd said had helped, he wasn't exactly experienced with this sort of thing, but he hoped he at least did something for the god that put so much trust in him.
Gwyndolin didn't move, his mouth still agape, his mind rushed a mile a minute. Granted not much of what Arias had said really got to him, but the description of the hollows, the decline and mindless insanity. Something about it gnawed at him, especially the part in which Arias directly said he was one of the accursed. Looking at him he could see, the fullness of his cheeks had dissipated over the week, color fading from the eyes, how could he have been so foolish.
A real being of curse was standing right in front of him this whole time yet here he was telling himself that he was somehow worse. He felt almost selfish as if he were posing as the victim of causality while the one he told was silently enduring the true full blunt force of a inevitable painful destiny. Then as if a statue come to life, the tears came all at once.
"I-I I am so sorry!" He burst out again, clutching onto Arias once more and sobbing into his shoulder.
"Wh-what for?" Arias was shocked and concerned all at once, looks like what he'd said was not helping.
"For mine ignorance! Thou art facing a destiny of immovable agony and here I am, claiming to be the foulest of creatures!" He cried, somewhat muffled as he refused to lift his head up. That 'comfort' had certainly not helped in fact it was having the opposite of the intended affect, to say Arias was panicking would be an understatement. He knew he couldn't fuck this up it would ruin the one relationship he really had, even worse it would leave Gwyndolin in a worse state which he absolutely could not allow.
"O-Oh no. That's not what I meant at all, your pain is entirely valid. Don't think that just because someone is going through worse that your own suffering is lesser. No, no, Gwyndolin from what you've told me you've suffered the longest, and nothing about what I am changes that. I am, so sorry you had to go through all that, I really, truly am." Arias lifted his right hand up to Gwyndolin's cheek and gently guided his head up. His teary eyes now looking into Arias'.
"But what I want to tell you is that you aren't as terrible as you say you are, not that I'm worse off. You deserve the best no matter what you are, okay? Because you are a beautiful person inside." Arias lifted his left hand and pointed a finger on the center of Gwyndolin's chest.
"In here, where the circumstance of life, and fate cannot touch." Arias was praying to, well, Gwyndolin, that he was able to reassure him this time, and it seemed he actually did. A small quiet smile crept across Gwyndolin's lips as the tears still flowed down his cheeks.
"...Mine thanks. For such kind words." He spoke quietly, his smile slowly growing wider and warmer as he lifted his hands up, taking Arias' hand and holding it close to his chest.
"Very well. I shall place mine trust in the words thou'st so kindly spoken." He could feel it, a warmth in his soul as described by so many of his favorite novels. He felt, happy. One more tear slowly crept down his cheek as he closed his eyes and gently leaned over for a hug.
The sun finally set over the tired city as they quietly embraced one another, letting the calm and gentle moonlight bathe the city in it's glow. Rays of the gentle silver now creeping into the dark room and blanketing the couple as they fell into a deep sleep in each other's arms.
A\N
I'm not super happy with how this chapter came out, dialogue has never been my strong suit so such a dialogue heavy chapter was always going to be a challenge. Still though I hope it wasn't that bad to read, so far the next chapter is looking to be much better so I'll see you then.