Humanity's Strongest Woman

by xDollfie

In every empire, there is an epic era that defies the boundaries of time and immortalized itself in the history books. For mankind, an epic era they will never forget has finally emerged. The war between humanity and Titans has finally come to a head. Love cease to exist in a time like this, but they found it, and promised that it'll be worth it. Every stubborn inch of it [LEVIXOC]

34. Monsters Within

Thank you 92 is half of 99 for beta reading this chapter and Amira for the constant suggestions! Also, shout out to Vlad the Impaler for being my 900th reviewer!

Thank you to all for kind reviews the last chapter ^.^! Hope you enjoyed this chapter as well, it was really hard to write and took 8 big revisions T_T

Trigger warnings: Violence, depressing thoughts, deaths.

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Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie

Chapter 30 — Monsters Within

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Breathe.

It was at the wee hours of the night when Ida Starke had finally managed to compose herself enough to her liking. The last thing she wanted was for someone to walk up to her and as if she was okay. In complete silence, Ida trudged her way back to the temporary quarters assigned to the Survey Corps located back in the Royal Capital of Mitras. Her green hollow eyes grazed the scene before her listlessly.

It was almost as if the empty streets had reflected on her mood; somber, deathlike, and bitterly cold.

Her body felt as if it was carved out of the stone buildings that surrounded her. Ida couldn't tell how long she had been up at the wall alone. She was neither hungry nor thirsty. In fact, she felt absolutely nothing—no sadness, no anger, just a stale kind of numbness.

As she had expected, Erwin and Hanji were still wide awake by the time she got back.

Charming, thought Ida wryly when she spotted the pair. Can't wait for a second those two.

"Ida! Where did you go?" Hanji jolted up from her seat and ran to her the moment she appeared through the door. She eyed her figure suspiciously. "Hey… what happened to your dress?"

"Couldn't walk properly," answered Ida tiredly, edging away from her. "It's late. You two should rest."

However, before she could slip away, Erwin physically blocked her path. "We need to talk."

She expelled a weary sigh upon hearing his tone that left no room for protests. Frankly, all she wanted to do was to run into her room and wither away in the darkness — just her and her thoughts, and none of the tiresome bullshit about saving humanity.

She looked at him resignedly, knowing that she couldn't escape. "About what happened at the ball, I suppose?"

Erwin merely nodded.

Holding his gaze, she made sure to eradicate any emotions from her face. "I don't know. It just came to me suddenly, like a surge of knowledge from nowhere," she told them impassively, watching their expressions morph into confusion. "...Elsie said something about my bloodline being special — more special than the Ackermans. Perhaps…" she trailed off and it was only at Erwin's silent urging did she continue. "...When Elsie used her Titans powers to show me that memory, maybe it triggered something…?"

Erwin listened attentively with a frown. "I've already sent someone to verify if what you said is true. Can you control what you see?"

Ida's green eyes flickered, and a jolt of annoyance shot right through her.

"It just comes to me Erwin, how the heck am I supposed to know?! I want answers just as much as you do!" she snapped irritably, before realizing she had lost her composure. Ida pinched the bridge of her nose as she groaned in exasperation, mentally kicking herself.

She wasn't in a mood to talk business, but neither could she really blame them for hounding her.

"Sorry… I'm just... tired…" Ida apologized slowly; her tone frayed but soft. "...But, if I do have any more of this crazy burst of knowledge, you'll be the first to know."

Hanji was surprisingly silent throughout and Ida could tell she was studying her appearance. Confusion undulated in Hanji's eyes. The brunette clasped a hand on Erwin's shoulder just when he was about to say something.

"She's tired. Give her a break, Erwin," she reasoned. "When the results of the glowing ores come back, we'll know if what she says is true or not. We'll decide what to do with this information then."

Erwin briefly considered her proposal. But upon looking at Ida's heavy-lidded eyes, he stepped away and nodded his head as her cue that she was dismissed for the night. Ida wasted no time as she pushed past them, walking back to her room. She slammed the door shut behind her.

She lit the oil lamp on that sat on the table, giving the darkroom some much-needed light. Ida grabbed the cigar from the metal tin and placed it between her lips. Lighting it, she inhaled deeply and plopped herself down on the armchair beside the table.

She closed her eyes as she exhaled a thick puff of smoke, somewhat surprised at her current state of mind. She had half expected herself to be a complete hot crying mess by now, yet everything seemed so distant, and the overwhelming sorrow she expected to feel was nowhere to be found.

Perhaps after what seemed like an eternity of crying, she had lost the energy to cry or feel anything any longer.

Perhaps she was truly dead inside now.

If anything, she should've curled up in a ball crying. Instead, she just felt like a stale piece of bread — picked up by someone mildly hungry but cast aside once they found it inedible.

This feeling should've made her at least angry, but even if Ida dared to try to feel anything, she could not.

Ida took another deep inhalation of tobacco, allowing the smoke to char her lungs black. That's right, she thought as she exhaled. Nothing else mattered now; humanity could cease to exist tomorrow, and she would not even pick up her sword to defend herself. Why bother fighting any longer? She had done everything in her power to get to where she was; by his side. But even then, Levi rejected her outright.

Foolish girl, she chided herself, flicking the accumulated ashes onto the table. How foolish she was to think that the heroic and altruistic Levi Ackerman would ever love something other than his duty.

How stupid she was… she should've known better.

She glanced at her reflection in the full-length mirror that stood by the corner of the room, observing just how worn out she looked. Pitiful. And Ida realized that she could never have hated red so much as she continued to stare at her own reflection, that she could have never hated her bloodline she descended from more.

That accursed red hair of hers, the devils that created the Titans to plague mankind and started this senseless war, the fucking Starkes...

A war started by her bloodline; the very same war keeping them apart.

Oh, the irony.

Ida would have broken out into sarcastic laughter if she wasn't in the middle of sucking another dose of tar filled smoke to calm herself down. She felt anger sear her instantaneously, disappearing just as quickly when it was supplanted by a strange kind of calm, an omniscient mindset of serenity.

There's no point in getting angry. She was tired. So, so tired.

They were star-crossed lovers in a war-torn world; the rational side of her couldn't deny the truth. Their ending would likely end up in a tragedy. However, even as she reminded herself of this fact, Ida still couldn't help but linger in the memory of his embrace.

It was the only thing keeping her sane.

It was just so bitterly unfair — why was it that the people who sacrificed the most, are the ones who are not allowed to love?

Strange as it is, love and hate never to seem too far apart. When hatred abounds and war erupts, lives across the entire world were affected. However, was it too much to hope that out of the chaos, love would endure, and it would be stronger than the pain and suffering war brought into their lives?

It is — the cynical Ida of the past would have retorted. You know it yourself; love ceases to exist in a world like this. Don't be irrational.

Yes. A part of her knew that Levi would never think of her as anything more than a subordinate and that it was for the better this way, but the other part was still stubbornly clinging onto a small semblance of hope that they could be happy together.

They were the parallel worlds that existed deep within her heart; a world of love, and a world of ruthlessness.

And these two worlds will never meet.

She knew innately from the very beginning of the torturous night: it was easier to concede defeat, to act as though she felt nothing for him. Why torture yourself after all? Levi had made it so abundantly clear to her and she could not blame him for thinking that way. It wasn't as though she didn't understand his train of thought or that his reasonings were utterly absurd. But then again, her subconscious also reminded her of what type of person she was; a person who had no will to live for herself.

It was something that had bothered her for a long time and Ida couldn't explain it in words, nor would she ever openly speak of it.

Losing the will to live was not always something so simple as standing on a ledge and falling. It was not always being in crisis mode. It was a dull ache in her chest that weighed her down constantly, and even though she might have appeared to laugh or appeared normal, the ache to just disappear was always there underneath.

It was her monster within her that she battled daily.

She exhaled a long line of smoke, forcibly peeling her eyes away from her reflection.

Yes, if she truly gave up now, then she would have been left with nothing; as good as dead, living but not breathing. Ida was too far gone to admit that she felt nothing for Levi. So even if he resented her, she would be content with just staying by his side — at least this way she could protect him still.

It was a blatant lie, she acknowledged. But it was one Ida was determined to tell herself repeatedly until she believed it. It was the only next step she knew, the only way she could cope and retain what's left of her sanity.

She closed her eyes again, unwillingly falling back into the memory of her past self.

The bitter, cynical, cowardly woman who wanted nothing more than to die.

It is easier to just die, her vindictive conscience nagged her. But she ignored it like she always did, Ida was too much of a prideful coward to just end it.

Ida had long accepted there was something gravely wrong with her. She was keenly aware that she wasn't normal; normal people had a desire to live, a will to live for themselves, but she had none.

In retrospect, she should've just died back then in the Underground City after Lucas's and Marcel's deaths, but the vicious world played another cruel joke on her before she could. She was captured and brought to the Survey Corps. And naively, she joined them to sate her curiosity about this 'freedom' everyone was talking about and whether it was worth it.

It wasn't.

Now that she gave it further thought, such a cynical person like herself should've long known that freedom would've never been worth it for someone like her — it should've been obvious that she had been lying to herself the entire time. Maybe she joined the military back then wasn't because she purely was curious. Maybe it wasn't all just because she just wanted to die with a purpose.

Perhaps, it was her cowardly way of saying that she just wanted someone to save her.

She wanted another to find another purpose to live.

It made sense. After all these years, she stayed in the Survey Corps not because she was keen to see the liberation of humanity as everyone else did. She didn't even feel the half of the responsibility everyone shared of avenging the anguish fallen and give meanings to their lives. The dead were dead, nothing will change. Sure, she had grieved; but it was more about her failure to protect them than anything else.

The dead could not come back, but the living still raged on.

The people she cared about in the Survey Corps — protecting them, was her purpose to live.

Ida Starke was selfish in the sense that she cared for individuals rather than a global community, so much so that she could even abandon her duty as a soldier for them.

If she was being truly honest, Ida didn't need this miserable life she had, she just needed somebody to die for — somebody to cry for. It was all just another selfish act so that when she truly did die, she could say that her death had meaning and that she would be remembered.

So again, she found herself trapped in the same vicious cycle of the past; she would irrationally open her heart again and start to care for others, and the very people she had grown attached to would be ripped away from her.

But as she thought of Levi Ackerman, it was different — she not only wanted to protect him, but she found herself desiring to be something more for him. It was an odd feeling, but Ida found herself wanting to live because if she did, she could be by his side. She would be happy.

How strange, she thought, opening her eyes.

For years, Ida had believed that nothing and absolutely nothing could reignite her will to live for herself after the fall of Wall Maria. Yet there she was, admitting to the empty room that she desired to live for herself if only she could feel the warmness that he could bring — no, she wanted to live for herself because Levi Ackerman was still alive in this world.

He was like a drug to her, an addiction that had spiraled out of control. It was foolish, but somehow, in some unforeseeable way, Ida found herself so attached to him that she acknowledged that he was her only tie to keep on living for herself.

Does this mean that her love for him was dementedly misplaced? Perhaps, but Ida didn't care, she was too focused on this startling revelation and its implications.

She could not let him go.

Her strength suddenly came to her the moment this realization was met.

Again, she snapped her gaze at the mirror, but this time her expression did not look as haggard as before. Her eyes looked brighter, much more alive. But she hated everything else about her reflection; the green eyes, the red hair, and especially that stupid expensive blue dress she was wearing. It made her look weak, fragile, and most importantly… it reminded her that she was a Starke.

With a quick movement, she stabbed her cigar out on the table, extinguishing the sparks, and stood up.

There was no point in thinking about this now; nothing was gained from self-pity, and Ida had long accepted that there was no one she could or ever would tell about what happened between them. No, there was nothing else to think about other than how she was going to help in humanity's preparation to retake Wall Maria.

Because once humanity had finally won this vicious never-ending war, once he was finally freed from the ghost of his fallen comrades, once he was finally released from his duties as soldiers... Only then would he truly choose her.

And for that to happen, Ida would do everything in her power to haste it.

Ida would not run away from the truth any longer; she needed him and if this cruel world was stopping them, she would remake it in blood.

She would end this very war started by her family.

Ida gripped the fabric of her constricting dress and ripped it. She untangled herself with the fabric, stepping out of it. Angrily, she dumped the ruined dress at her trash bin and along with it, she chucked away any traces of her former self; the naive, the broken, the weak.

She walked to her cabinet, extracting out a Survey Corps uniform. Quickly, she slid into it, feeling her resolve strengthened as if that rough fabric itself was giving her power; she had always been more comfortable in uniform. When she was done getting dressed, Ida walked to the mirror.

Again, just like the first time she had donned the uniform, she stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her emerald eyes were blazing again with the same burning determination she had when she first looked at herself in the reflection after she attired herself in the Survey Corps uniform.

Only this time, she was done pretending. Ida was done with being humane or being deterred with her feelings. She was done telling herself she did not fit in this vicious world. She had lived through hell once, and she would do it again, for deep-down within her laid a sleeping monster that she put in a long hibernation in a bid for repentance.

Guilt? Unnecessary.

Mercy? Redundant.

Kindness? Out of the question.

Who on earth was she lying to — she was no damned saint, no matter how much she tried to change this fact. She was the devil's daughter; descended from the bloodline of the devil on earth. The world would never accept her now, so she shall reject the world.

The freedom that she was searching for did not exist beyond the walls. The only reason why she felt so constricted was because she was the one who suppressed her true personality; the personality needed to survive in this twisted world.

A sinner to be a saint; that was the only way she could reach her goal. It was the only way she could defy destiny, the only way that the people she loved could be protected, the only way she could actively contribute and end this war, releasing everyone she loved from their duties.

There was no glory or mercy in war, only survivors and monsters.

To endure becoming a monster only meant that she had to discard her humanity and Ida decided that night she needed none of it. Who was she kidding? She knew all this long ago, but she just stubbornly clung onto what made her human.

How pathetic. How irrational. How naive.

She should've longed accepted that the people who could make a change are the ones who can abandon everything.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"Introduce yourself."

Without further warning, she pushed him further into the room with a hard slap to his back. The brunette stumbled forward from the sudden force. He straightened his spine, smiling awkwardly at the younger soldiers staring at him with wide curious eyes.

"My name is Seth Fischer."

"A — Ah! You're the guy who lived with Ida-san back at the Underground City!" said Connie Springer, jolting up from his seat as he pointed a finger at him. "It's you!"

"What?" Eren Yeager was bewildered. This was the first time he heard of this. He looked to the impassive redhead for clarification, but she merely remained silent.

"Yeah," Seth confirmed, smirking at the stoic redhead beside him who did not seem bothered with her surroundings. "Ida and I were close friends back at the Underground City, I lived with her."

Ida was irked at how casually he was declaring their affiliation. "He might be friends with me in the past, but he is also affiliated with Jaron Starke — an enemy — so with that said he is still under official investigation. Until then, I expect everyone to keep an eye on him."

She moved her attention to the silent Asian. "Mikasa."

Mikasa blinked. "Yes?"

"If he so much as tries anything, kill him."

The raven-haired girl's eyes sharpened upon receiving her instructions and she nodded stiffly. Seth pursed his lips at the exchange and looked at the woman beside him. "I already told you, I don't have any ill intentions. Truly."

"Tell that to Commander Erwin when he placed you under my jurisdiction," Ida growled bitterly, upset at the current arrangement. "Suck it up and shut up or I'll throw you back at the dungeons."

Admittedly, Ida didn't know how she should feel about this when she had heard yesterday from Hanji that Erwin was placing Seth under both Levi and her jurisdiction. It was something that horrendously appalled both, for she was graced with the rare opportunity of meeting him when he arrived in Erwin's office shortly after her, ready to launch into an equally furious protest. But alas, Erwin was adamant; they didn't know Seth's true intentions yet, and surely someone as strong as both would be up to the task of keeping him in check.

With that argument, even Levi — who had a clear dislike for the man — had relented, who was she to protest any further? Nevertheless, Ida decided that loathed Erwin and that she wanted to mercilessly rip off his eyebrows, father or not.

Excellent, she thought wryly. Seth being the new addition to the squad was just like throwing a dubious ingredient into a bubbling cauldron, and Erwin was the witch anticipating for an explosion.

A sharp knock on the door invaded her dreadful thoughts. "Eren."

She felt her blood froze at the sound of the familiar voice that never seems to have lost its coldness. Ida didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

Things were… well between them.

They both seemed to know that they had crossed some taboo boundaries — Levi, went back to ignoring her and avoiding her if he could, and this time, Ida did the same thing. The times she did see him, he was cold and scathing—atypical to the indifference his squad was accustomed to, but it was not the first time that Ida had seen Levi's less-than-ideal side. She bit back responses when others were in the room, simply because there was no need for others to know what had happened between them. But when it was just Levi and her, sparks flared, and the snide comments grew to the point where she decided it was best to just avoid him.

'Don't ever date your co-worker' they say, and here she was foolishly in love with her Captain. What on earth was she thinking?

Levi Ackerman's voice was as drone as ever. "Hanji is looking for you. You're late for your hardening experiments."

Eren's response was immediate and startling. "Oh! Sorry about that, where is Hanji-san?"

"In the damned courtyard waiting for you," Levi answered flatly, hosting a familiar twinge of irritation. "Hurry up."

Ida only turned around to face him when Eren and Mikasa trailed out of the room. Their eyes met. Stern, hard, and without a trace of warmness.

"Starke," he greeted coolly still fixated in a tense stare towards her.

It astounded Ida greatly how he could maintain such nonchalance after all they had been through. But what really was the proper way to act after that night? With no answer to that question, Ida mirrored his actions exactly.

"Captain," she greeted with an equally cold voice.

Immediately deciding on the best course of action, the redhead broke the stare down and turned her attention towards the rest of her squad members in the room. "I'll leave him to you — if he so much as does anything suspicious, subdue him and report to Captain or me."

With her orders given out and the job done, Ida left the room without another glance at Levi by the door. He tightened his jaw at her departure and his gray haunting eyes followed her figure on its own accord.

"Seth Fischer, sir."

Levi grimaced at that introduction and he turned his head back to the room, only to see that Seth had bridged the gap between them and was now extending his hand towards him. Though this action might seem well-intentioned, Levi did not miss the prominent amused smirk on his lips.

His eyebrows drew together for a fleeting moment as irksome realization washed over him; he was taunting him. Anger throbbed through his veins, but Levi's expression spoke nothing of it.

"You'll do well to not piss me off, Fischer," he said pithily. "I won't hesitate to throw scum back to the shitty dungeons."

"What is with you guys and dungeons?" commented Seth in a drawl, his annoyance apparent despite his calm exterior. "I've no hidden intentions for joining the Survey Corps—"

"What intentions you have does not fucking interest me, Fischer," said Levi with a lethal altercation to his tone. "I wouldn't mind waiting a little longer before slicing you to pieces and dropping you at Jaron Starke's manor despite Erwin's misgivings, I don't care either way."

With that threat made clear, Levi turned his heel and left before he could say anymore.

Smirking, Seth concluded that things were far more interesting than what he expected.

"Hey, do you think that Captain and Ida-san are acting weird?" he heard a female voice say behind him.

Turning, he observed the recruits in the room who immediately went silent upon noticing that he was looking at them. Though he was aware that these soldiers were sanctioned to kill him should he misbehave or if there was even a speck of doubt in his loyalty, Seth wasn't afraid. He didn't have any ulterior motives. In fact, he was determined to make friends with his new comrades; he needed them to trust him.

Thankfully, the raven-haired female that Ida had given direct orders to kill me left with Eren Yeager, Seth concluded in his mind as he planned his next step. It'll be much easier to get on their good graces without her around.

Pulling out a chair on the table they were on, he watched the teenagers' eyes narrowed suspiciously at his action. He sat down, grinning. "Hello! I'm sure you know my name by now."

The squad looked at each other nervously, sending silent questions on how they should react to this situation. Seth picked up their hesitance. "Don't worry!" he raised his hand up as though to says he meant no harm. "Honestly, the higher-ups are just worried about my previous affiliation with Jaron Starke — but I'm on Ida's side before anyone else. There's no need to act like this. What are your names?"

"I'm Sasha Blouse!"

Connie nudged the side of her ribs. "Shut up, Sasha," he hissed in a low tone, aware that Seth was listening. "We were told to watch over him, remember?"

"Aw jeez, are you guys really going to treat me like this?" Seth frowned, fabricating despondence. "If I really did serve Jaron Starke wholeheartedly, I wouldn't sell out his spies in the government and the military nor would I save Ida, would I?"

"I suppose so." Armin hummed, looking half convinced as he comprehends the situation. "He has a point."

"Your superiors really have a nasty temper," Seth commented, shrugging. He leaned in. "Hey, could you guys tell me about the relationship between Ida and your Captain?"

Jean furrowed his brows. "Why should we? Why do you want to know?"

"Because Ida is my friend and I realize that those two are acting strangely," Seth answered with a carefree note. "I'm just worried about her."

"Well… they started calling each other by their last names and titles — that's pretty odd. They were so much closer before— OW!" Sasha cried, rubbing her arm that Connie pinched. She pouted at her friend beside her. "That hurts, Connie! What gives?"

Despite his patience running dry within him, Seth maintained the friendly smile on his face. He realized that it wouldn't be easy getting information on Ida from his new squad members as he had expected. He had misjudged their young appearance. Frankly, he didn't know why he was doing this; Seth was confident of his capability of discerning the mood between Ida and Levi just now, but he figured that getting more information wouldn't hurt.

With that rationale firmly fixed, Seth portrayed his best charms.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Frustration seemed to be on the overpowering emotion shadowing her usual calm ever since the day of the royal ball.

Ida Starke was unbelievingly frustrated as she made her way to the commander's office. She was constantly frustrated with her current relationship with Levi Ackerman — awkward, strictly for business and cold — so it was a slight relief that her frustration was caused by a different problem this time around.

"We need to talk." Ida went straight to the point upon her rude arrival. She didn't even knock on the door. She moved towards his desk and crossed her arms. "Erwin."

"What is it?" Erwin asked from behind his desk.

"I'm stuck with babysitting duties all day," she complained, not hiding her annoyance. "Other than training, shitting, sleeping, eating, and keeping a watch on Seth Fischer, I've nothing else to do. I honestly don't recall getting paid to babysit."

The prospect of having nothing to do would've delighted her greatly in the past — but she was different now. Seeing as how things had taken a full swing in preparation for the retaking of Wall Maria, everyone was relatively busy. The problem was, everyone had something important to do, a role to play, something to contribute. Everyone but her. And that didn't sit well with Ida, not when she was so hellbent on defying destiny.

Plus, she needed something — anything to distract her from the monsters within her.

"You're looking for work?" Erwin asked for clarification, barely hiding his surprise.

"Yes. I want to contribute to something more productive than playing nanny," she confirmed. "Anything would do, I might even be willing to be Hanji's lab rat if this goes on."

"I understand," Erwin smiled, absorbing her discontent with calm. "It just so happens that a meeting was concluded this morning. Queen Historia had declared that she would use the money confiscated from the disinherited nobles and her royal budget to help the orphans, sick and hungry."

"That's a good thing. I assume that the remaining aristocrats aren't too happy about it?"

"The backlash would be expected, but it would strengthen her support among the people. The military decided to go ahead with it."

"Wonderful," said Ida with a sarcastic note. "But what's this got to do with giving me work to do? If you're thinking of asking me to mend a stupid soup house, I swear to god, Erwin, I'll tear your stupid eyebrows—"

"It's nothing like that, I assure you." Erwin chuckled at her childish threats. "The Underground City was mentioned as a place she wanted to liberate."

Her eyes went wide, suddenly very interested in this revelation. Erwin smiled at her reaction, "I'm sure you know the situation there — it has gotten worse ever since the coup, a change in the government always causes unrest. But the Queen was adamant, and even Levi backed her up on this."

Of course, he would, she thought. He's from the Underground City as well.

"Criminals, brothels, illegal slave trading, murders..." Ida recounted wryly, a mixture of hatred and disgust wash over her. "Those lazy MPs are going to have a heck of a time going down there."

"Which is why I wanted to ask if you wanted to lead the charge," Erwin explained, earning a raised eyebrow from Ida. "It's unwarranted for the Survey Corps to interfere in the MPs matters, but I could suggest for you to be placed in the operation. You've lived there once; you know the place better than anyone."

She smirked, liking the sound of his proposal. It suited her, suited her very well indeed. While it might not be much compared to the heroic things the rest of the Survey Corps was doing, Ida felt this job suited her perfectly. It was something very close to her heart. That and it gave her a reason to get away from the scowling Captain she had been trying so hard to avoid.

"Fine, I agree."

"Excellent," Erwin got off from his seat. "The operation would probably commence in a few days, so be patient for my new orders."

She returned his smile. "I'll try not to kill myself from boredom in the meantime," she said sardonically, her eyes following him. "Are you heading down for dinner?"

"Yes."

She moved to the door. "Let's have dinner together then."

"Don't you usually have dinner with Levi?"

Ida paused at his casual mark. She figured that Erwin had been out of date with the current affairs of the legion.

"Are you saying that you don't want to have dinner with your daughter?" she countered steely, fabricating anger. "Are you chasing me away, Erwin?"

Between choosing to explain to Erwin why their relationship had turned sour, and her acting like she desired to be a doting daughter, Ida had chosen the latter. While it was obvious to all that the relationship between the once inseparable pair had changed, Ida was thankful no one dared to question them openly about it.

Despite that, Ida was vaguely aware of the rumors swirling among the legion, but it didn't bother her that much — if no one openly confronted her about it, she would continue with this cold indifference.

Erwin's features softened. "I didn't mean that."

"Yeah, yeah," Ida waved his concerns off, knowing that she had successfully distracted him from his previous question. "Let's go, I'm hungry."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

As much as Ida Starke respected the field of psychology, she found the practice of it to be utterly useless. The world was full of too many fucked up people pretending to be sane — and she assumed she was probably the most fucked up person of all.

She was vaguely aware of her own mental instability, especially after what happened between Levi and her. The sheer irrationality of it all; how was she going to end this war that has been going on for the past century? They'll probably be in their graves rotting before this war would end.

Stubbornly, she pushed the troubling thought away from mind, refusing to dwell on it any further.

Currently, Ida had bigger, more pressing problems to contemplate: the sudden discovery about her innate ability to suddenly gain knowledge out of nowhere.

Per Erwin's intervention, the results came back quickly — everything she said about the ores and the technology hidden by the Military Police first squad was verified to be true. The glowing ores found at Reiss Chapel were quickly distributed to the population and as Ida had prophesied, production within the Walls boomed.

Hanji also made quick work with the technology found, already working with the engineers of the Survey Corps for a weapon capable of breaking the Armoured Titan's hard shell. Erwin had thought that it was wiser to keep her ability a secret privy only to the top chain of command in Survey Corps for now — fearing what would happen to her should the other Military branches learn of this.

Although Ida supposed she was pleased with this revelation that she wasn't so utterly useless as she thought — and that this ability of hers might help humanity end this war quicker — she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with her.

And so, she couldn't help but feel disturbed as she glanced at the open fields, watching soldiers bustle around busily.

On the bright side, at least things were progressing faster than she had expected.

Hanji, who had lived up to her reputation as a Titan researcher, proposed that they create new weapons to take down the Titans in Wall Maria with Eren's newfound hardening ability. The 'Executioner from hell' she had called it, and Ida had thought it was a very stupid name for a such an amazing weapon.

Despite its idiotic name, the weapon had proven effective. Finally, they could kill Titans without anyone risking their lives. This would also definitely hasten their operation to reclaim Wall Maria, for it would be far safer to travel to Shiganshina if there were lesser Titans.

And so, Hanji had invited all the soldiers and reporters to see her new 'Executioner from Hell' in works and Ida was inclined to attend. But truthfully, she couldn't wait to leave. It wasn't like she wanted to be here anyway. She spotted him with Hanji just a few feet away from her — the main glaring reason she didn't want to come here.

Levi Ackerman.

Ugh.

She should've bolted at the first sight of him, but Ida couldn't bring herself to. Levi was engrossed in a conversation with Hanji, he wouldn't have noticed her. Nevertheless, she wondered why her legs wouldn't move — hadn't she decided that it was best to avoid him unless it was for official matters? Just seeing him was threatening to release every buried memory of him and Ida would not allow herself to be distracted.

Ida was aware that their avoidance of each other was foolish — they were adults capable of talking things out — but what more is there to say? Any talk, any action of them trying to be comfortable with each other like they were in the past was like piecing together a broken porcelain plate with a plaster, the cracks were still there.

It is for the better, she reassured herself inwardly, her fingernails digging into her palms as she stared at him. Watch me, I'll end this war and I'll free you from your duty.

"Ida!"

Rolling her eyes away from Levi, she expelled an audible sigh upon seeing Seth making his way to her with Connie and Sasha in toll.

In some weird fucked up way, Ida had noticed that Seth had managed to get rather cozy with the younger recruits in her squad. But although Seth was able to charm his way into the younger recruits' innocent hearts, Ida's heart was far from innocent. Underneath those charming words and that bright smile, laid an impossibly disgusting selfish man who only thrived on self-preservation, she knew.

"Connie, Sasha — what did I tell you both about being with him? I said to keep tabs on him, not to get all friendly." Ida launched straight to the point when the trio reached her, not caring if the man in question was just right next to her. "I told you, he's still under investigation."

The two recruits looked sheepishly at her, rubbing the back of their necks as her glare intensified.

"Oh, cheer up," Seth remarked simply, slinging his arm around the two teens' shoulders. "We were just talking, nothing harmful."

"Shut up before I put you back into a cell," Ida snapped, glaring daggers. She turned her attention back to Connie and Sasha, "I'm leaving. Would probably return tomorrow, please inform Captain about it."

"Where to?" Connie inquired, he looked past her to see their Captain nearby. He did not voice how he found it odd that she couldn't just inform him herself when he was just a few meters away.

"The Underground City," Ida replied apathetically, a shadow resting on her features. "I have another mission Erwin instructed me to do."

"Oh, so you're going back home," Seth commented nonchalantly, earning a very icy look from the redhead.

A warning was imbued in her tone. "That is not my home."

Ida studied Seth's disturbed expression from the corner of her eye — it didn't take much for her to discern who he was thinking about. Those two sweet boys that both of them were both parental figures to back in the past. Those same boys that he killed.

"Will there be anything nice delicacy there?!" Sasha quipped up with eager eyes.

Ida grimaced. "If you mean rotting flesh ridden with disease, I suppose I can find you some."

"Hey, you've been there before Sasha," came Connie's disapproval as he nudged her. "You know what kind of place it is there."

"Oh… yeah…" Sasha dejectedly sighed, her shoulders slumping when she realized her mistake. "Sorry."

"I can get you twerps something from Wall Sina on my way back, Trost is pretty boring, huh?" Ida kindly offered and the faces of the two young soldiers lit up. She smiled warmly at them. "I'll see what I can get."

"Hey, I'm coming with you." Seth interrupted, stepping forward.

"No." Ida rejected, her tone leaving no room for argument. "You're staying here, Captain will keep an eye on you."

"Like hell I am." The distaste that swarm in Seth's brown eyes flared. "I'm coming with you — you're responsible for me, right? What if I tried something while you're gone? You want to leave me with that guy?"

Ida's green eyes narrowed at his words.

In retrospect, leaving Seth with Levi was a bad idea indeed. Their hatred for each other was clear. Knowing both, either one of them would probably be beaten up and sent to the infirmary by the time she got back. If she had to place her bets on it, it would be Seth.

Plus, Levi was obviously avoiding Seth, just like how he was ignoring her, never speaking unless necessary.

Convicted of this realization, Ida relented. "Fine." She found herself eyeing at Levi, who was still engrossed in a conversation with Hanji. "We leave today."

Stop looking at him, you fool, Ida chided herself as she walked away from Connie and Sasha with Seth following her.

She felt a burn in her chest, and she willed herself desperately not to show anything on her expression. She was a soldier; her heart was too ruthless to break. Going through pain and heartache once was good enough, she need not be reminded of it. She would find comfort in her memories of them — back to the time they were something more than this.

However what Ida Starke didn't know that she wasn't the only one distracted and stealing painful glances at something that she couldn't have.

"Levi? Levi? Hey! Did you hear what I say?"

"Yeah, I heard you shitty four-eyes. Stop shrieking," came Levi's crude dismissive reply that borderline anger.

"What are you looking at?" Hanji blinked, realizing just how distracted he was. It was unlike him. She followed his line of vision to see that he was practically glaring daggers at Ida and Seth retreating backs. "Oh."

"Don't 'oh' me, Hanji." Levi snarled derisively, angrier than usual. "So, what is it about that shitty experiments you need Eren to do again? Get to the damned point and make it quick."

But Hanji was distracted at this point — this was far more interesting than discussing Eren's schedule with him at that moment. Hanji had always found their relationship intriguing, those two bumbling idiots who were like gods on the battlefield stumbling over something so simple like love.

She smirked devilishly, putting a hand on Levi's shoulder much to the Captain's chagrin. "...Hey tell me…" she whispered. Her glasses gleamed under the sunlight. "...Are you jealous?"

Levi looked as though he had taken great offense to that statement.

"I'm not in the mood for jokes, Hanji. If you don't want to lose a fucking hand, I would suggest you unhand me," he snarled lethally.

The Titan Scientist immediately retracted her hand back hastily and lifted both of her hands in surrender.

"I mean no harm!" she cried, quickly analyzing how he was literally seething in silence at this point. He looked as though he was about to explode. "...I just thought that since... You know, you love her so much to a point that you— OOF!"

She was sent stumbling when Levi stormed away, clearly not wanting to listen, and in the process, he had knocked into her shoulder rather violently. Hanji scratched her head at his condescending figure — he looked as though he was out of the blood.

"Squad Leader?" Mobilt came running towards her, seeing everything. "What did you do again?"

"Argh! Those two are driving me nuts!" Hanji cried in frustration, pulling on her hair.

Truly, only Ida Starke could rile him up like this — that and when he finds out the corridors are not cleaned well enough to his standards.

"He looks grumpier than usual," Mobilt commented, shaking his head.

Hanji gave him a sad knowing smile, "Love does that to people. It's too bad those two idiots can't bring themselves to finally understand something so simple."

"What's simple?"

Hanji let out a loud slow sigh. Yes, she would surely need to start her observations and analysis on the two of them again.

"That they mean more than to each other than they want to believe, Mobilt."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Ida inspected the sets of gears delivered this morning to Trost, running her fingers over the cool metal. She had familiarized herself was the variant design of the 3DMG gear for the past week. Guns were preferable when one was to be fighting humans and it was just her luck that the Military was starting to mass-produce the variant designs.

Her fingers stopped upon feeling the intrusive gaze of someone behind her.

"Your name recruit?" she asked in a resonate voice, not turning around.

"Boris Fleuner, ma'am." the soldier replied professionally. "I was sent to be placed under your charge from Stohess Military Police branch."

"Do you know who I am?"

"Yes, ma'am," Boris answered, finding it odd that she would even ask such a thing. Her name was well recognized and revered among the Military ranks.

"Then we can stop with the unnecessary formalities. I'll have every soldier following us on the mission to be equipped with this new variant design of 3DMG gear," she commanded dully, picking up another gear. "I assume that the Military Police have taught its soldiers how to use it properly?"

"Yes, ma'am," Boris replied flatly.

She turned around to face him, studying the young boy's silver blond hair and pale yellow-brown eyes. He straightened himself, uncomfortable under her scrutinizing gaze.

Young, she concluded with a frown. He was far too young, and he looked as though he hadn't taken a life before. This was not what she had expected. But she figured that most of the veterans MPs were prisoners after the Military's purge.

She pursed her lips. "How many of you did the Military headquarters sent?"

"Twenty," the young Military Police officer informed her brusquely.

Ida nodded once.

"Alright, gather up everyone in the courtyard. We'll leave soon."

Boris opened his mouth before he quickly closed it again, looking perturbed. Ida quirked a curious brow at his reaction.

"Do you have any questions?" she urged.

"Are the gears really necessary?"

She smirked. She knew what the boy was thinking about — he couldn't understand why Darius Zackley had assembled a Survey Corps member as their squad leader for their task. In addition, the Military Police were much more accustomed to rifles rather than gears for their day to day jobs.

Before Ida could explain to the young boy, a derisive voice interrupted them from the open door.

"Well, the Underground City is a dangerous place. You can never be too prepared. After all, isn't that the very reason why you MPs hardly ever go there? Despite you know... you lots shit oaths about protecting the citizens, upholding the King's peace and whatnot. Funny how it takes a newly-crowned queen's command for you lazy lot to go there and do your fucking job."

The redhead glowered disapprovingly at Seth's unwelcome interference.

"That's enough," she snapped at the taunting man by the entrance who was coolly leaning against the frame of the door. She cleared her throat and nodded her head to the young soldier. "Thank you, Boris, that'll be all."

Boris saluted once stiffly and then left the room. Seth eyed at the boy as he left wordlessly. She did not miss the hatred in his eyes.

Seth scoffed loudly, entering the room and closing the door behind him. "So, you're working with those scum too as well?"

"The Royal Government has changed, Fischer," Ida said calmly, inspecting another set of gear. "Which means the Military Police have changed as well. With the dwindling numbers of the Survey Corps now, many of our soldiers have better things to do. We need the Military Police."

"You mean you need them to do their fucking job that they haven't been doing for the past century." Seth rolled his eyes, sarcasm anchoring his tone. "Yeah, never thought I would see the day you would lead a purge of the Underground City with those corrupted bunch of shits."

There it is, Ida thought bitterly. That sarcastic tongue she hated. Seth always had a way with words that made her seem incredibly foolish.

Though the strained relationship between them had progressed to a point that she didn't want to immediately lunge for his throat the moment she saw him, she couldn't say she felt particularly comfortable around him. But she bore with it and tried to be formally cordial with him for the sake of her duty.

"It's not a purge." Ida corrected him composedly. "We're going to round up all the needy people and rehome them at the farm that Queen Historia had set up."

A serpent-like grin touched Seth's features. "And kill any criminals there."

Ida scoffed humorlessly, knowing that he was implying about the irony that they were criminals once too.

"If necessary, yes," she answered monotonously, not caring for his tone. "And what is it?"

He quirked a curious brow. "Hm?"

"You came here for a reason, right? What do you want?"

She sensed the surprise in the Seth before he said, "You've changed, you never liked confrontations back in the past."

"Spit it out," Ida said silkily. "I don't have time."

Seth let out an audible sigh before he stalked towards her. He placed two hands around her figure, trapping her against the table she was standing nearby. Ida's flinched subtly at his sudden closeness and was just about to ask what he was doing before he beat her to it.

"Leave with me."

Her eyes widen at his proposition before it narrowed down again. "You've gone utterly mad."

"How am I mad?" Seth challenged, deadpanning. He could tell she was uncomfortable with his face being so near her, but she made no effort to back away, determined to hold her pride. "I'm serious, Ida. Let's run away together — away from all this. It's the perfect opportunity. We kill those police scum and run away, they won't be able to catch us."

"Get the fuck away from my face." Ida hissed derisively, her nostrils flaring. Her anger was escalating every second he didn't move; she didn't appreciate that he thought he was still in control of her. "Did you forget who I am? I'm your superior officer—"

"No, you're Ida Starke." Seth interrupted icily. "And we are more than that."

She did not answer him.

"Admit it — you don't care about humanity or all of this," he countered unyieldingly, not heeding her venomous warning. "You don't, Ida. So why stay?"

Ida regarded him with nothing more than raging anger. The cool façade of his didn't look like it was going to cease, and it only caused to further aggravate her.

"Yes, I don't," she said simply. "But I will never leave Survey Corps."

"Why?" he insisted.

She scoffed disbelievingly. "Even we did leave. How far can we run Seth? The walls only stretch so far."

"I don't care," came his rather simple reply. "I love you, and I always have. And I know a part of you still cares for me."

She fell silent at his declaration, but her glare did not falter.

Just how did things end up this way?

Ida recalled how close she was to him in the past. How she respected and cared for him, how she depended on him. Was it love they had? Perhaps. But whatever it is, it didn't matter, because whatever it was, it had blindfolded her for years.

When love blinds someone, when love only cares about the matter and not reality, and when love finally dies, what is left overturns into bitter, anger and resentment. The relationship between them which was one happy and beautiful had suddenly become scorned love.

A certain solemnness settled in her eyes, and for the first time that day, Ida took one step closer to him in a show of fearlessness and intimidation.

"Make no mistake, Fischer," Ida said hatefully, leveling her glare with his. "Yes, I've told myself the minute you were captured that I'd do very best to spare your life. If you leave right now, I will ignore what you just said as gratitude for what you have done for me. But stay and continue talking… and the situation becomes irrefutably awkward."

She placed a firm hand on his chest and shoved him away. "There's nothing more for us to say."

This time, Seth's voice turned steely, a rarity for the man and Ida could tell he was serious. It was almost as if he had taken offense to her statement.

"I know you hate me, Ida. Trust me, I've thought about it a hundred times if I should bring this up ever since I've joined the Survey Corps. I was determined to keep silent and stay beside you to protect you if you're happy. I enlisted because I wanted to see what type of life you were living, why you're so desperate to return here. But I have seen the way that you look at him, and the way he looks at you. You can't fool me. You guys don't even talk — so things didn't turn out as you expected. I told you, didn't I? A man like him would never choose you."

His voice took a softer turn and he down casted his gaze. "So why…? Why are you still staying by his side?"

"Do you know how many people have died for this cause?" Ida's fist curled into tight balls, outraged that he mistook her remaining in the legion only because of unrequited love. "What kind of idiot are you to even suggest things like running away?! It's against the Military law! Our resignation must be approved! Why are you even suggesting something so irrational?"

He grabbed her by her shoulders in desperation. "Because I want you to live no matter what!" Seth screamed to her face, but Ida did not even flinch at his abrupt anger, still firmly fixing her glare on him. His teeth clashed together when he saw the strong determination present on her face.

Slowly, he dejected his guilt-ridden gaze back to the ground and exhaled loudly to cool himself down.

"Ida… I know I've made mistakes… My choices were reckless, I know. It was an act of a selfish man thinking of nothing more than himself and his survival only. I've hurt you… But trust me, I regret it every day. And now... I feel... that humanity is burning within these very walls and I have aided the very man that lit the match."

His remorseful speech came out of nowhere. Alarmed though she was, Ida returned her gaze to him, giving no physical indication of her surprise. There was a long silence as Ida looked steadfastly at him. She could not help but feel apprehensive, though at the same time, relieved.

"...We can make our own story, our own tale, and our own chapters." Seth finally continued. He lifted his head and stared at her earnestly. "Let humanity rot in hell, we can't make a difference. What's going to happen if two more characters are gone from the main plot?"

His fingers moved from her shoulders and grabbed onto her hands, grasping them tightly as he looked deep into her eyes. "Come with me, leave with me. We can live our lives out back in the Underground, or wherever you want. No matter how much longer mankind is fated to survive and how long more we're condemned to exist — we don't have to play a part in this tale. It's too hard, especially on you. Let's live the rest of our fated lifespan in happiness, let others fight for humanity. We've done enough. Let's run away from all of this…"

When he was done, Ida's green eyes shut for a couple of seconds longer. Whether it was to contain her anger or contemplate on his proposition, Seth didn't know.

Admittedly, a part of her knew that he was right, it would certainly be much easier for her to just leave — however this realization served to irritate her even more. Ida was aware that Seth always had a way with his words and the time they spent together Underground City had taught him a lot about her, making her more susceptible to his manipulation.

And it was exactly because she was aware of this fact that Ida was not even tempted by his proposition.

Her eyes opened and she smiled softly, not once breaking her gaze into his eyes. "When I told you that I liked you years ago. I was sincere. We were no more than children back then, but I genuinely liked you."

Her resonate voice took a deeper and much darker turn as she continued, "But that like, Fischer — no matter what it may have been — could never compare to what I feel for him. You think you know me... so dig deep and think. You know what kind of a monster I am..."

Seth fell silent as his mind sped to digest her words. Smirking, Ida leaned in and whispered right beside his ear. "So, you should know that next time you have any funny ideas like this and decide to corner me again... I won't be merciful." Then, she moved back, glaring at him condescendingly. "Did I make myself clear, recruit?"

However, he only held her hands tighter. "Ida… I—"

Seth didn't even get a chance to complete his sentence.

Suddenly filled with vindictiveness, Ida switched position before he could react. Grabbing his wrist, she twisted his hand behind his back in one swift motion, slamming his head onto the table with as much force as she could muster. An unearthly crack echoed in the room, followed by Seth's grunt of pain.

"One more word from you and I will kill you myself." Ida snarled derisively at the end. "Do not test my mettle, and never, ever bring this up again."

A loud knock on the door distracted her from her malicious thought and the door swung open.

"Ma'am—"

Boris stood by the door in shock, his eyes wide at the scene. Ida sensed his horror. With a soft scoff, she released her hold of Seth. He grunted and straightened his back immediately, rubbing on his arm.

Ida addressed the unwelcome spectator curtly. "What is it, Boris?"

At her urging, Boris snapped out of his stunned reverie. He proffered out a cloak towards her unsteadily, not meeting her eyes. "T — The soldiers are already at the courtyard; we can leave at any moment."

She grabbed the cloak from him. "Thanks, let's go then."

She wrapped the green cloak around her, fastening it around her neck. Ida turned and looked impassively at Seth who was clutching onto his arm painfully and the two exchanged heated glares.

With an indignant scoff, she pried her eyes away, breaking their intense stare down. She was by the door with Boris when she gave out her next command. "Also get someone to lock that fucker up for insubordination. He won't be joining us today."

The soldier's eyes went round but he merely nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms against his chest.

"I said this before, we'd better not take it for granted that he can go on creating rocks forever, or that his body will last forever," intoned Levi flatly, addressing the other woman in the room, who was wilting under the weight of his glare. "Our main goal is to seal Wall Maria, but with the way you're pushing him, he'll keel over before fucking gets there."

Hanji exhaled, adjusting her spectacles. "I know…" she said while pouting, guilt anchoring her tone.

Eren was anxious as he watched his two superiors conversed. "Captain I feel fine already! It was just a nosebleed—"

"Eren," came Levi's toneless warning for him not to intervene.

Instantly, Eren held his tongue and he felt Mikasa's hand on his shoulder, urging him not to protest. She didn't need to, for the teen was far too afraid to go against his Captain's command.

With the Titan Shifter settled, Levi moved his glare back to the Titan scientist. "I mean it Hanji."

"I heard you," said Hanji dejectedly and she shifted her footing. "I didn't mean to push him like that… Even Ida gave me an earful before she left."

Instantly, he felt a spark of agitation pulse through him. Levi should've gotten used to it by now, but he wasn't. For the past week, he felt unbearably unsettled whenever somebody even mentioned her name. In so many ways, the mere thought or mention of her triggered every buried memory he had of her.

Levi acknowledged that if he had deigned to divulge about what had transpired between them to anyone in this room, they would've called him an idiotic fool. He had yearned for her agonizingly when he thought she was dead; anyone would've thought that he would've jumped at the chance when she came back.

But what did any of them know? The past year, who had seen Ida at her weakest moments? Their only interactions with Ida were when she was at her strongest. When she was fighting or laughing with them — but had any of them seen the real her? The vulnerable, the fragile, the broken? Did any of them have the slightest semblance of how sentimental, morally upright, and humane Ida was?

Given the choice, Ida was the type of person that would not even lift a finger at even the vilest of criminals.

And so, Levi Ackerman had made a choice that he would not regret, he would spare the woman he cared about the agony of watching him die — spare both the agony — but especially so for Ida, for she could not survive the fatal blow. Levi was fatalistic enough to understand that it was better to nip the bud now before it could grow into something that was out of his control. Surely, this numbing ache he was experiencing now could not possibly be compared to the pain in the future if he were to continue.

He was fine with playing the role of the bastard; Ida could detest him all she wanted. Because even though it felt like hell to him to leave her behind on the Walls when she had begged him to stay, it was nothing compared to the hell of watching her wither away beside someone like him who could offer her nothing.

It was exactly because he understood her so well that he knew that she would've followed him to the grave in a heartbeat if he were to die, and Levi would never allow that.

In addition, he had left her to die once in the name of duty, what's to say it wouldn't happen again? While he was aware that someone like Ida would not hate him for it, insisting that she understood, Levi could not help but find his actions deplorable. That damned woman had always thought so little of herself.

Truly, she should not have loved someone like him — who could only offer the position of second place. And he would never allow her to be subjected to be just an afterthought.

He did not love her, he affirmed inwardly to himself. It was proven time and time again that he was incapable of love.

It is for the best.

"Captain?" Connie's resonate voice invaded his thoughts.

He immediately straightened his posture, scanning his squad members in the room. "What?"

"Ida-san told me to inform you that she would be away and she'll only return tomorrow." Connie sped through words quickly, as though he was wanted to get his task over and done with.

Levi's eyes narrowed speculatively, and Connie flinched visibly. At least Connie was smart enough to read the tension between him and her. But the brat was far too perspective for his own good, Levi didn't need anyone reminding him about the awkward relationship with her—

Wait.

Where the hell was she going?

"Where did Starke go?" He inquired flatly. His voice indicated no particular interest—he was as involved in the question as he would've been talking about the color of his nail polish.

Judging from the silence, he could tell that the people were in the room were puzzled over how to tackle the sudden question, so he narrowed his eyes and scowled.

"Well?" He demanded insistently again.

"Wait, you don't know?" Hanji questioned shockingly.

Of course, I don't know you damned four-eyes, that troublesome brat has been avoiding me ever since — does it look like I fucking keep tabs on her all the time?

Levi clicked his tongue in annoyance, his features turning darker and he waited impatiently for her to elaborate.

"She went with Seth to the Underground City," Hanji answered nonchalantly, tilting her head. "I thought you knew?"

He didn't know if he should be angry about the fact that he was the last to know of this news or the fact that Ida had taken the scarred-face bastard that has been sniffing around her with her. And so, Levi settled on getting angry about both.

"Elaborate," he demanded coldly, seething.

For a second, no one made a move, confused. Levi's haunting gray eyes flashed.

"I said—"

"I — Ida-san said that Commander Erwin had assigned her to a task!" Sasha spluttered out, visibly flinching when his glare landed on her. "Uhm… She said that she was going there to round up the orphans…"

Instantly, he peeled himself off the wall. "Why the hell would Erwin assign her to a shitty job like that?"

"She requested for something to do," answered Hanji, furrowing her brows at his sudden irritation.

That was not enough of an answer for him. "And what are those shitty MPs pigs doing, then?"

"She is with them," Hanji explained. "I think the headquarters wanted someone with more experience in the Underground City to lead the charge — you know how it's like down there, even the MPs hardly go there."

At this point, Levi's intuitive mind had already figured that out already — what he really wanted to know was why Ida had accepted that job. He was born in the Underground City; Levi was aware of what it was like down there. Dangerous. And while Levi was confident in her skills, he was not confident that she would be able to kill. Even if she did, the aftermath would be just like the battle with Kenny Ackerman's squad — she'll be in an emotional mess.

And Levi was not one to leave messes uncleaned, especially not when it came to Ida Starke's messes.

"She brought that damned scarred face bastard with her?"

"Yeah Seth offered to go with her," Connie was the one to reply. "Ida-san agreed."

Armin looked perturbed. "I thought Seth wasn't allowed out of the headquarters for now?"

"Well... he is under Ida-san supervision," Jean pointed out lazily.

"And mine." Levi seethed. "So why wasn't I informed?"

Hanji nervously chuckled, sensing that Levi's mood had taken a terrible turn and stepped in to save to the teenagers. "Because Erwin had given her the go-ahead to do whatever she sees fit," she explained with a jovial smile. "Hehe, Levi are you—"

"Hanji." Levi stopped her with a lethal warning, he knew what she was going to say.

Jealous? No, he wasn't.

Possessive? Perhaps.

Hanji eyed on the teenagers in the room, deciding that it was better not to bring it up in front of them. "Well, you don't need to worry! Ida would kick his ass if he tries—"

"I'm not worried." Levi corrected her harshly.

For some reason beyond him, the mere thought of Seth and Ida together for an extended period left a very sour taste in his mouth. It was so sour in fact, that he felt his face contorting on its own accord.

Ever since that shitty imbecile was released, Levi had noticed that Seth had been around Ida all the time. He was always right there beside her every single damned time he saw the redhead as if he was taunting him that Ida preferred his presence over his.

To make matters worse, Ida didn't seem to mind conversing with him as well and while Levi could tell that she was actively avoiding him, she didn't seem to put that much effort into avoiding Seth. While this could be a direct fulfillment of her duty, Levi would've very much preferred that she locks him up back in the cells and avoid both altogether.

It was all impulse, stupid and rash, a combination of spite and insuppressible worry. But before he could stop himself, he found the words slipping out of his mouth and his body moving.

"Hanji, take care of matters here." Levi heard himself saying monotonously. "I leave the brats to you."

"Huh?!" Hanji blinked in surprise but Levi was already halfway out the door. "Wait! Levi where are you going?!"

The door slammed shut, drowning out her confused calls. The Titan scientist blinked, slowly turning to look at the stunned squad in the room.

"Is he going to…" She trailed off, pointing to the door.

"Probably." Eren nodded his head, already knowing what she was going to ask.

"Pfft," Hanji snickered, shaking her head. "Not worried he says."

The rest of the squad shrugged sheepishly at her statement. They had gotten used to this behavior.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

The man drew in another shuddering breath before she felt his body go limp in her arms, his corpse falling like a dead weight in her hands. She released her hold on him. The impact of his limp, lifeless body falling synced with the cries of the inhabitants of the room. The last signs of life died away slowly and his black eyes hollowed — glassy, not looking, unseeing, and reflecting nothing but Ida's own face; calm, very much alive and collected.

Ida Starke felt a sense of calm omnipresent satisfaction wash over her as she stared at the dagger in his chest. Momentarily, she remembered the past. The feeling in her hand when cutting through flesh. The smell of spraying blood. The glitter of the blade every time she swung it.

How alive she was back then, how monstrous.

"I told you runts before we came here..." Ida pivoted around to face the three military police soldiers behind her. Despite her calmness, her silent anger stalked her every word. "There will be people who retaliate; children are a source of income to them as slaves, prostitutes, and workers. And I did give you leave to use your weapons if necessary. But what did you runts do? Shiver and stand there like piss poor brats. Do you want to die?"

"M — Ma'am—"

"Forget it," she interrupted the soldier's explanation, deciding that she wanted to hear nothing of it. She wiped the blood off her hand with a handkerchief and glanced at the interior of the slave house she was in. "Gather up all the children here, I'll go and check on the rest. Report back to the town square when you're done. I don't know if they're any other workers here, but if they retaliate, just kill them."

Without another word, she left the slave house. As she walked to her next destination, her heavily lidded eyes glazed over the Underground City.

It was strange — at one point in time, Ida had concluded that the world here and the world above were different. But now, she realized that everywhere she went, it was the same.

Why? she thought to herself. Why do people always want wings so much that they'll put their lives on the line?

Everyone she met — be it the wretched Seth from the Underground or the cunning Erwin who lived above — just wanted to move up and progress forward no matter what it takes. They were unlike her, who was content on staying where she was, being with the people she cared about.

All that happens if you stop flying is that you fall, after all.

Underground City was truly a world more beautiful than anywhere else. Compared to sunshine and fresh air she felt outside the Walls, Ida discovered she felt more 'freedom' here than anywhere else.

She remembered the constant darkness that would always interfere with one's senses of what's dark and light, and she remembered how she started to lose herself in that darkness. It didn't matter if it was morning, or late in the night — here, it was always pitch black.

There's no bullshit about inner or outer walls or social status here or even Titans.

There was only 'her' and 'everyone else'.

But if one were to gaze too long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes back.

You're so dumb, she scolded herself inwardly. Did you truly believe that once you escaped this Underground City and go back to living about that things would change?

In a calm introspection, Ida concluded that she was a complete and utter fool to think that joining the Survey Corps would give her another chance in life. New people, new surroundings, new purpose — but she should've known that the fact always remained that she could never change who she had become.

Ida realized now that the problem wasn't where one lived, the twisted world was the problem.

She was casually walking on the empty streets, re-evaluating her life when she sensed a malicious presence behind her.

In an infinitesimal moment, a battle cry echoed just as Ida swiftly dodged a knife aimed for her neck.

With one swift movement that the hooded attacker did not see coming, Ida launched her counterattack. She grabbed onto her attacker's hand and twisted it, applying pressure on her wrist. The knife landed noisily only the ground and her attacker groaned in pain. Applying more pressure on her grip, Ida forced her attacker on her knees.

"Who are you?!" she demanded, before deciding she should answer the question herself and violently pulled her attacker's hood down.

Brown hair. Freckles. Blue Eyes.

Shock flooded her. "Y — You…"

Rena snapped her head up, glaring daggers. Half of her face and arms were badly burnt, and she looked squalid. Ida frowned imperceptibly at her appearance; the Survey Corps hadn't expected any survivors in the aftermath of the battle at Jaron Starke manor.

Taking advantage of her surprise, Rena violently bit the redhead's hand that was gripping onto her wrist, drawing blood. In her pain, Ida automatically released her as she cried out in agony. Before she could recover, Rena made quick use of the window of opportunity to headbutt Ida's jaw.

Fuck!

Disoriented from the impact, Ida took a few steps back, clutching onto her jaw as the world around her spun. Rena grabbed the knife on the floor, charging towards her. The whistle of the blade screamed for blood.

Then flash of something moving and the sounds of gears functioning echoed. Before Rena could even blink, a sudden impact hit her, sending her crashing into the wall.

"Tch." The assaulter landed on the floor with ease, reeling his grapples back in. He threw one last malicious glare at a groaning Rena before he moved his haunting eyes to the redhead. "Are you okay?"

Ida immediately recognized the cool distinctive low voice — was she hallucinating? It took her a few seconds for her to regain her senses, and when she finally did, she was surprised to see Levi in front of her. But the surprise was quickly gone, for livid anger inundated her senses and she charged forward, grabbing the woman on the floor by her cloak.

She lifted her up and slammed her body to the wall. Clutching onto Rena's head, she furiously slammed it to the brick wall. Repeatedly; Ida rammed her head on the wall, drunk on bloodlust, fueled by all her frustrations at the world — and especially at her family name she was born with.

With each grunt of pain from her victim, Ida was reminded of Jaron Starke — that bastard who inflicted so much misery on the people she cared about. He should've been here, receiving the full brunt of her fury — but he died too easily, he should've suffered more— and so all Ida was left with was his loyal subordinate; so loyal that she even dared to attempt to kill her.

And this infuriated her.

How dare she?

After all that she had suffered, hadn't it been enough?

Why her?

She had lost her mother once again, she had found out that she could never be accepted because she descended from a bloodline of sinners, and most importantly, she was helpless.

Helpless to avenge Elsie. Helpless to change history. Helpless against this world.

And nowhere to quench this insatiable thirst for blood.

Ida had been dangerously teetering between the lines of her insanity and her sanity and seeing Rena in the flesh — a living reminder of the uncle she so hated — was the final shove that pushed her over the edge.

She was about to deal the final killing blow with a final ram that would surely crack her skull when a rough hand slipped onto her shoulder and grabbed her, pulling her away.

"You'll kill her at this rate," Levi told her calmly, his gray eyes dark and hollow.

"That's my intention," came her simple quick reply in between pants, watching as Rena sagged down to the floor, leaving a line of blood on the white walls.

No… Not enough... The monster within her called. She needs to die.

Ida was just about to charge forward again, but Levi held her back. "Don't. She might know something."

Ida could barely reign in her malevolent anger, but she forced herself to whirl around to face him, a murderous expression on her face. "Then get to questioning!"

Levi looked slightly taken aback at her hostility and he narrowed his gray eyes at her expression, studying her.

"You're not yourself," he concluded flatly. "Go, I'll take care of this."

"I am myself," came her snide reply accompanied by a vicious glare. "This!" Ida gestured to herself and bridged the gap between them threateningly. "This is who I am! I enjoy killing! It's how I feel alive!"

Ida knew she shouldn't be taking her anger out on him, but no matter how hard she tried to regain her composure, her willpower was an insignificant, pathetic force against her fury.

A groan emitted from the disorientated Rena brought the redhead's vindictive eyes back to her and she sprinted forward, kicking her. "Talk, you damned bitch!"

"Y — You'll get nothing out from me…" Rena spat through bloodied teeth, her breaths long and cumbersome. "I — I won't say anything… Even if you torture me..." The woman smirked lazily and she paused. "...So… Just get on with it..."

Ida's eyes flickered in a blinding rage. "Fine. Then I'll bash your pretty little head so hard against the fucking wall that—"

"Hey." Levi rushed forward, grabbing her shoulders again and spinning her around. He frowned when he saw the blood splatters on her face, but Ida was not even looking at him. "I said let me handle this, you can go."

'Kill her…' the monster within her called tauntingly again.

It only then did she snapped her venomous glare towards him. "Everything that happens during this operation is under my jurisdiction, Ackerman," she sneered defiantly, her bloodlust giving her courage. "Fuck off."

Levi did not seem fazed by her crude words, "And you're not even going to ask why I am here?"

Ida scoffed derisively, not faltering. "What, you didn't like how I cleaned the corridors?"

He did not seem pleased with her sarcastic answer. "No —"

"Fuck off, Levi." Ida interrupted icily, snarling. "Leave me alone."

"Get a fucking hold of yourself!" At last, Levi finally lost his temper. His grip on her shoulders tightened, his expression was indignant and murderous, and it mirrored the redhead's one exactly. "This isn't like you!"

This time Ida complied, and she froze, absorbing in his expression as all his words reverberated deep within her, poisoning her mind.

The irony of it all. Levi was the sharpest man she knew.

Blinded.

Blinded by his own assumptions, by his own analysis and judgments of her persona. Believing obstinately, adamantly, self-destructively that she was still the same, kind person.

Finally.

All those years of taking it for granted that Levi thought she was a wonderful innocent fragile girl who needed to be protected are over. Finally, he can see her for who she truly was.

Violent.

Sadistic.

Manipulative.

Deadly.

And Ida hated him for it.

She felt her hot tears sting her eyes, threatening to pour and she saw his face softened slightly at her wet eyes. Yes, she thought to herself amidst the tense silence. She held onto his gaze unyieldingly. That was the Ida he loved, the Ida that was humane, pathetic, and needed protecting.

He would never accept the true Ida.

Ida suddenly felt foolish as she felt a sweeping low swoop to her stomach — here she thought that someone like Levi could understand her, accept, and maybe even love her. Maybe it was because of the bloodlust that was clouding her judgment, maybe it was because of underlying horror in his features, or maybe it was because of how he thought that she wasn't herself.

But Ida was herself. This was who she truly was. Under all the pretense, lies and voices of objection about how the Survey Corps valued human lives — this was the Ida of the past she had tried so hard to hide and suppress, the one who understood how to rebel and survive in this cruel world.

His narrowed haunting grays eyes, that badly hidden horror in his features, that tone — it all pointed to one thing. Levi was disappointed in her.

At this startling realization, she could only clench her jaw and glare venomous daggers at him. How she loathed him at this moment.

What did he know? What right did he even have to judge her? Can't he see that she was doing all this so she could end this war and free him from the duty he loved so much?

In just one heartbeat, all her rage dispersed only to be supplanted by one thing; pain. A familiar heart-wrenching pain Ida knew only came from betrayal.

Rena coughed on the ground, drawing the pair's attention. Upon noticing the redhead's glare, she launched into a snide taunt with all her remaining strength. "Y — You… It's all your fault… Why do you think Elsie Starke lived in horror under the Jaron Starke for all those years! In order to live safely in Shiganshina district with you — your mother agreed to whatever asked of her! It's all your fault that Jaron Starke died! You're the fucking devil—"

BANG!

Levi watched incredulously as Ida quickly aimed her guns that were attached to her gears and fired. She was too quick for him to even stop her.

"Too noisy…" she whispered impassively, watching as Rena body fell to the ground.

"As for you, Captain..." Ida turned calmly, absorbing his horror and surprise.

Her face twisted and it looked so strange and oddly terrifying that it took Levi a minute to realize that she was smiling. "She would never talk, no matter how much we torture her. I don't need any protecting. Now if you will excuse me, I have work to do."

"Ida—"

She didn't even wait for him to talk before she launched herself up into the air with her gears and looked for her squad. Ida was thankful that Levi didn't follow her immediately. He needn't see her tears. Furiously, she used the back of her hand to wipe her tears.

Don't cry, you stupid idiot.

When she finally spotted her squad at the town center square, she landed next to them with ease.

"Ma'am!" Boris rushed to her. He looked startled at the blood splatters on her face. "What happened? I heard the gunshot."

"Someone tried to kill me, so I killed them," she replied stoically. She gestured to the line of people there were lined up on their knees at the town center. "Who are all of those people? They don't look like orphans to me."

"We discovered some of the families of the disinherited corrupt nobility hiding at the Underground City to avoid prosecution," Boris informed her, perturbed at her calmness. "They are mostly women and children."

"Great," said Ida deadpanning. "See if you can get any information out of them, use any means you like, and if you fail, send them to Darius Zackley."

Boris looked appalled by her command; he was well-aware of the Military-in-chief sadistic tendencies. "Huh?"

"You heard me."

"B — But, they are just women and children," Boris stuttered, dismayed. "Surely there is no need to prosecute them—"

Ida was having none of it, she was done with having people question her motives and morals.

"They wanted to lock down Wall Sina and watch thousands of people in Wall Rose perish when they heard Wall Rose had been breached by Titans," Ida countered with a sharp edge to her voice and Boris took a few hesitant steps back at her lethal tone. "They have fattened themselves up for years on the blood of our people. They have watched people like us, starve, rot, and die at the hand of Titans. They don't need our fucking mercy. If you have any qualms in enacting my order, Fleuner, I'll do the fucking questioning myself."

Boris shushed his tongue and said no more, the acidic tone of hers was enough to send him running for the hills. Ida extracted out another handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the blood off her face.

She eyed his dismayed expression and sighed, she hadn't meant to take out her frustration on the recruit.

"In this cruel world, Boris…" Ida grasped his shoulder, averting her eyes. "...You have to be a sinner to be saint… Because we have no other choice..."

"Captain Levi?!"

She heard the soldiers around her call and Ida pivoted around just in time to see Levi land down unexpectedly from the air. Soldiers surrounded him that instance, anxious at his sudden arrival.

"S — Sir! What are you doing here?"

Levi ignored them and went straight for her.

"We need to fucking talk," he growled lowly as he grabbed onto her arm.

"What for? About your disappointment in how I wasn't the precious little innocent girl, sir?" She retorted darkly with firm eyes. She saw his pupils widen at her remark and she assumed she was right. "Let me go and don't make a scene here in front of the MPs, I'm working."

Swinging his grip of her, Ida ignored him and barked out commands at the soldiers.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

The ride back to Trost was an awkward affair.

He had spent the past hours cursing Hanji Zoe to the high heavens. Levi should've known she was an unreliable source of information when it comes to matters like this. He was beyond livid that he had rushed to the Underground City after her, only to discover that he had become the biggest joke of all when Boris informed him that Seth was safely tucked at the stockades at Trost under Ida's order.

Seriously, he needed to give that bloody four-eyes a piece of his fucking mind.

Levi wondered bitterly if he should see a doctor. There had to be something seriously wrong with him. Just the mere thought of that damned redhead with that brat together for extended periods of time was enough to send him running — that and also because he was worried about her.

He growled under his breath, cursing himself for allowing himself to be influenced by his feelings.

To make matters worse, after the whole fiasco back at the Underground City, Ida had not spoken a single word to him throughout the entire ride back, too focused on completing her task. In all honesty, he had expected her to be angry after what he had said to her back at the night of the ball, but what Levi didn't expect was that she would spiral down dangerously into a series of self-destructive acts.

Despite her composed stature, he concluded that Ida was acting far more erratic than usual and he summarised that he was partly the cause. But going as far as to kill a valuable hostage that could potentially provide some insight about Jaron Starke out of anger? Levi had always seen her as a rash, defiant, selfish kind of a brat, but this was getting out of control even for her.

It did not take much hindsight for him to know the reasoning behind her erratic behavior. The blow that Ida Starke had taken when she discovered that her family created the Titans was huge; accompanied by her mother's death and all that she had been through—anyone would have cracked under such immense pressure.

And this was especially so for someone like Ida Starke who had a desperate innate need to be accepted into the world. She might not admit it, but Levi knew. He understood her.

He closed his eyes as he leaned against the wall of Erwin's office. Considering the events that had transpired, it was strange that Levi found that what disturbed him most was Ida's final words to him.

What the hell did she mean by he was disappointed in her?

"Stinking brat…"

"Levi?" Erwin piqued up from behind his desk. "You said something?"

Levi frowned and folded his arms. "No."

On cue, the knock on the door came and Ida stepped into the office. She saluted formally to the commander behind his desk.

"Sit down, Ida," Erwin said calmly, indicating to the empty seat in front of his desk.

"I would rather stand," she rebuffed his offer impassively. Her lips were pressed together. "What is it?"

Erwin heaved a sigh, reading her sour mood. He surveyed her emotionless expression and cleared his throat. "I've just been updated about the events of your mission."

"And?" she said, her voice indicating that she knew what he summoned her to talk about.

Erwin frowned at her indignant attitude. "You killed a subordinate of Jaron Starke—"

"She wouldn't talk anyway."

"You don't know that—"

Ida interrupted him rudely with steel underlying her voice. "But I did know that bitch, and she will never talk. Her family had served the Starkes loyally for generations. We're just wasting our time."

Erwin clenched his fist and spoke mildly. "In addition, you sent women and children belonging to the previous nobility to Darius Zackley—"

"You said you needed information, they would be much more inclined to talk," she cut through his sentence stiffly again.

Levi could tell that Erwin was getting exasperated when he rubbed his nose bridge tiredly. "...They were just women and children, Ida."

Ida quirked a brow, not looking abashed. "Darius Zackley did things far worse, or am I mistaken? You seem to turn a blind eye to the torture chamber he keeps for fun. So is my rank the problem here?"

Levi's eyes flickered in rage. "That's not—"

"Levi." Erwin admonished, shaking his head in a gesture for him not to interrupt. Levi seethed in silence, before retreating to his wall. Ida did not even seem fazed by his interruption as Erwin moved his attention to her and eyed her figure sternly.

"Ida, why did you do that?" He inquired flatly.

"Pardon me, sir." Ida sneered sarcastically, not liking the prominent judgment clouding his voice. "Are you telling me that I should allow the families of the previous nobility to walk free? To grow up and potentially launch another uprising at the Military?"

"That's not what I meant—"

"So, what's the difference then?" Ida demanded, her features contorting in a show of annoyance and distaste for his questions. "You've sent hundreds of children to die, Erwin. Women, children, it does not matter. All I know is that there are two sides—our side, and the enemies'. I did what I had to do. I got my hands dirty, just like how you did because that is what was needed."

A very rare surprised expression graced the Commander's face and Ida understood that she had won this round.

Erwin let go of the breath he was holding, "I understand your concerns, but you should've left Rena alive… No matter what you say, there's a possibility that we could've extracted valuable information from her."

He lifted his hand to stop her when he saw that she was about to interrupt him again.

"...But there's nothing more to say right now. What's done is done. I trust the decision you made… You're dismissed, Ida," he ended the conversation conclusively.

"Sir." Ida saluted once more stiffly and without even sparing a mere glance at her Captain by the wall, she headed for the door.

But before she could fully leave the room, she paused. "If you have a problem with my behavior Captain, then you should speak to me directly instead of going to Erwin."

Levi's face darkened at her indignant remark, but before he could launch an acidic retort, the door slammed behind her.

Frustrated that his plans had fallen through, Levi peeled himself away from the wall and slammed his hand on the office table in front of Erwin.

"Oi, why the hell did you dismiss her?" He demanded insistently, displeased.

Erwin addressed him with a face devoid of any emotions. "She was impulsive in killing Rena, I agree. But I can't fault her reasoning."

"She just killed a valuable prisoner." Levi pointed out firmly, annoyed. He had expected Erwin to talk to her and perhaps even to guide her along, but he hadn't expected him to agree with her. "That brat is spiraling out of control."

The blonde looked confused at his statement. "She seems pretty calm to me."

"No." Levi insisted, scowling. "She's erratic—"

"It seems to me that the issue you have isn't the fact that she killed a valuable prisoner or sent women and children to Darius Zackley for torture," Erwin pointed out without filter. "You're concerned about the fact that she changed, that the Ida of the past wouldn't do something like that."

"Tch." Levi made a disgruntled sound with his teeth, but he made no indication to deny it.

Erwin's lips thinned and he exhaled. "You're not being fair to her, Levi."

The revered soldier lifted a confused brow at him.

"You — no... we molded her to be something like this," he elaborated with a sad wan smile on his lips. "Every scout that has joined us, no matter who they were in the past, they have… changed to a certain degree. I've placed her in charge of that operation, and she delivered results — so honestly, Levi, I don't see what's the issue here."

Levi's eyes darkened at his commander's explanation.

"You know her," he snarled coldly, slight anger anchoring his tone as he continued. "You know what she is like deep down. She couldn't even stomach killing someone back then. She's fucking unstable now and you're going to do nothing?"

"And what did you expect?" Erwin rebuffed coolly. He took one look at the indignant expression his prized soldier held and furrowed his brows. "...I know you care for her. But, if there's anyone to blame for it — it's us. We can't keep her in a glass cage forever. After all that she has been through, could you honestly tell me you're surprised she's changed? Others are just like her. Even Jean changed ever since he joined us, you don't seem to mind that. So why is it a problem when it's Ida?"

So why was it a problem exactly? — Levi found himself asking the same question hours after he had left Erwin's office.

He hissed exasperatedly, rubbing his face in an effort dissipated his anger. A throb of annoyance flowed through Levi's veins when the voice in his head gave him his answer.

Because you were the one who brought her to the Survey Corps, the voice in his mind echoed. You were the one who destroyed her.

He closed his tired eyes as he leaned back in his chair, rubbing his nose bridge. Yes, truly, there was no problem. Over his years in the Survey Corps, Levi had been a silent witness to the changes in its soldiers. No matter how innocent and kind-hearted they were, no matter how adamant they were in sacrificing human lives or taking them, no matter who their past former selves were — they have all evolved and adopted a fatalistic outlook in life.

Everyone changes and grow thorns with time, the light and innocence in their eyes slowly fading.

No one was spared from the harsh reality of their world and the heavy demands of their job.

But it was different with Ida Starke — for a long time, Levi was a witness to her tears and smiles, her horrors and her darkest demons, her hopes and her dreams. Perhaps it was foolish of him to think that she would forever remain the same.

His jaw tightened. Levi recalled her violent objections about the Female Titan plans which ultimately resulted in the deaths in their previous squad, her battle with herself over killing people in Stohess, her self-loathing over how she was forced by circumstances to do unthinkable acts. The Ida Starke who won't even lift a mere finger on insolent children and smiled beautifully at stupid stinking puppies.

Then, he recalled how he told her to stand each time she threatened to crumble — to continue fighting, that this was what the world needed, and how this was their duty. He recalled how he reminded her time and time again of their responsibility to avenge their fallen anguished comrades. He remembered how just recently; he had held her back as she begged them to spare her mother.

It wasn't as though he wasn't aware of the monster within Ida, Levi was. He was well very aware that if push came to shove — she would tap into the monster within. But that woman was too paradoxical for her own good. Too paradoxical to a point it threatened to crack her sanity.

He was an idiot.

Such statements of self-deprecation did not cross his mind often—he was a leading and formidable soldier, undeniable to even himself—and yet he was an idiot to have made such an obvious mistake with thinking that she would never change and that she would continue in her fight to retain what was left of her humanity. Of course, she wouldn't. He was a fool to have been presumptuous in assuming she would forever hold onto her humanity and remain the precious flower that he desired to conserve… That she would remain the conscience that reminded him that there was another way to rebel and fight this cruel world.

He, who has brought her by his side, to live on the battlefield, had ultimately destroyed the very thing he wished to protect.

What a fucking idiot.

A miserable idiot, he corrected himself. For even till now as he arrived at this startling realization, he could not afford to let her go for the sake of his own sanity. If anything, Levi desired nothing more than to rip the very wings she had grown and condemn her back into the shadows of his protection.

There was no need for another person to shoulder such a heavy burden, for he would shoulder it all himself.

All he ever wanted was for her to be happy.

But how could she be when she was forced to become the very monster she so hated?

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

What the hell was he doing here?

Levi Ackerman was a total mess. And he abhorred any kind of messes—physical or internal—with a passion. He had gone around the headquarters, hoping to find a certain redhead so he could finally put his worries to ease and carry on with his daily work. The only issue was, the redhead in question decided that it was the perfect time to seclude herself in her room after the whole showdown at Erwin's office that afternoon… and Levi supposed this act worried him a smidge.

Great, how fucking great. Levi thought bitterly. Just what I needed; a gloomy brat cooped up in her room.

Honestly, he shouldn't care — she had grown up, hadn't she? Wasn't that stupid show she put on at the Underground city a testament to that? Erwin even stated that it wasn't a problem. Yet Levi was surprised at his uneasiness after being so resolute in accepting that Ida Starke had finally grown up and changed. He hissed out his collected frustration, irritated that he had been more affected by her words than he had expected. He racked his fingers through his hair, scowling in cold displeasure.

What the hell did she mean that he was disappointed in her?

Yes, it was those stupid words — that and her coldness towards him that were the cause of the issue. Levi wasn't going to say that she wasn't responsible for his aggravated emotions, but he also wasn't going to blame it on her entirely.

So, he stood in front of her door for what seemed like an eternity, debating if he should check on her. It made sense — even with his resolve taking a traitorous turn — he knew that was undeniably attached to this woman. Try as he might, he could not leave her alone, especially not when he knew she was troubled. Levi was not inclined to pursue any form of relationship with the redhead other than what was necessary, and yet he could not completely say that he did not care for her.

Ah fuck this, there was no way he could work with his current state of mind.

He placed his hand on the doorknob and turned. Best he gets this over and done with, and then he could finally concentrate on other things; things that carried greater importance.

Levi entered the room to find that it was pitch black. He spotted her — the source of all his constant worry and headaches — standing by the window that was on her bedside. She was staring at the scenery outside. The moonlight trickled in from the window and illuminated the darkroom. She made no move to even acknowledge him.

In all honesty, he should've closed the door the moment he saw that she was fine — that was all he came here to see. Yet something inside of him screamed that she was vulnerable and that she needed his protection. It was his instinct that had led him to this and her eerily solemn silhouette had his throat closing up. Before he could stop himself, Levi took careful steps to the unmoving figure and placed his lit oil lamp on her bedside table.

Still, even with the sound he made, Ida did not even move an inch. He could not see her expression as her face was turned to the window.

"Ida…" Levi called tepidly.

Still, no response.

He frowned worriedly, reaching out tentatively to touch her. "Oi, Ida—"

"Don't." Her hoarse voice was cool and calm. "Don't touch me."

He frowned even deeper at her declaration. His heart twisted and turned at her cold difference to him, but he allowed none of his emotions to show on his visage.

"Fine," he forced himself to recede to her demands.

Usually, Levi would have launched straight into a defensive retort fueled by anger, but he was perspective enough to understand that anger was not the right way to approach this delicate situation right now.

It's for the best, he told himself in response to her cold treatment.

Forcing himself to move, he was about to leave when she finally spoke again, "...Anyone would've been fine... Anyone but you…"

With his anger hitting him like a backup reserve, Levi snapped his incredulous eyes at her. His patience was running thin and frankly, he wasn't in a mood for any enigmatic messages which he knew he would unwillingly spend hours trying to decipher the true meaning behind it.

"What do you mean by that?" He demanded with a fearsome scowl. "Look at me."

But the fiery redhead refused, not moving an inch.

Letting his anger get the better of him, Levi reached out and grabbed her wrist, forcing her to turn around. "What the hell do you mean by—"

He paused mid-way when he saw her expression. It was hollow and dead-like and it looked as though she had been crying for hours. He couldn't make up his mind if he was feeling angry or culpable for her state.

"What do you mean by that?" He questioned again; this time lower but gentler.

Her words were tepid, but there was an undercurrent of hatred. "Leave me alone."

But Levi stayed. "No."

Ida scoffed indignantly at his blatant refusal. "Does it please you, Captain, to find me like this? Alone, sad and crying... Not at all like the sinner and the disgusting monster that you saw at the Underground City?"

His narrowed eyes widen at her words — was this what was bothering her? That she thought that he was repulsed by her actions? Levi felt slightly offended at her accusation, she had known him for years. Surely, she knew him better than that. Surely, she understood that if they are comparing their sins, his were far heavier.

"Anyone could look at me that way — but not you, I won't accept it from you..." She murmured, averting her eyes away. "Just leave me alone, why do you care?"

"I'm not repulsed by what you did, you did what you had to do," he stated flatly, trying to reign in any sign of offense from his expression.

He watched in trepidation as Ida's face flickered, but her countenance settled back to the same blank indifferent expression. "But you're disgusted that I've turned out this way."

"I'm not," Levi interjected flatly, fighting his own impatience because it seemed obvious to him.

"Yes, you are!" Ida screamed in acrimony; eyes ablaze. The hatred in her tone was smothered on the very top of her voice so that he could hear it clearly. "I saw the way that you looked at me! You're disgusted that the pure little innocent girl who always cowered behind you has changed! You've been protecting me all these years Levi, I can see it! Hiding things from me, doing all the dirty work, afraid that I'll break under the pressure, but I won't!"

Her trembling fingers made their way to her wrist and she unclasped the candy charm bracelet — the bracelet that she had never taken off ever since the day he had clasped it around her wrist — and threw it at him.

"Fuck off!" she screamed, just as the bracelet noisily hit his chest and fell to the floor. "Why do you care?! Just leave me alone!"

Cling.

Levi remained silent, unfazed by her outburst and she couldn't make out what he was thinking.

Ida felt the same stinging tears threatening to pour again — anyone, anyone in this world could judge her. They could call her a sinner, a monster, a piece of inhumane filth. Yet Ida would never allow Levi to judge her. The world might disapprove and never accept her but to Ida… Levi was her world.

She felt her anger drain out from her, and in its place, a mixture of sadness and disgust took precedence. She hated him. With every fiber of her being, she hated him.

She hated the way he looked at her; cold, indifferent, and derogatory. She hated the way he talked to her; as though she was nothing but a child to patronize. And most importantly, she hated his gray eyes; unwavering, dutiful and strong.

He would not break; not even when she was crumbling before him.

"Fine," Levi said coldly, picking up the bracelet on the floor. His fingers clenched around it. "Nurse your damned depression, what do I care, right?"

She seethed. Of course he wouldn't care — he had made it clear, didn't he? It was for a better, wasn't it? Ida was used to his cold treatment by now, there was nothing he could do to hurt her anymore—

"Wait! Don't!"

Ida sprinted forward; fingers outstretched as she tried to stop him. But it was too late. Levi had already opened the window and threw the bracelet out. She ran to the window, her heart pulsating furiously only to see the scenery of green shrubs.

No!

"Fuck you!" she half-shrieked, shoving him in the chest. She made a movement towards the door — she needed to get it back — but Levi had already had a forceful grip on her wrist.

"You shouldn't care either, Starke," he said flatly. "Stop holding onto it."

She knew what he was saying: stop holding onto him.

"I hate you!" she screamed, angry tears streaming down her face. She struggled violently against his vice-like grip. "Let me go you fucking bastard! I need to—"

"No, you don't need to get it back, it's just a shitty insignificant item," Levi said coldly. "When you get down to it, it's just another thing to be discarded. Nostalgia and memories don't mean shit. You should stop with this sentimental bullshit; it will get you nowhere."

But Ida wasn't listening as she thrashed angrily in a futile attempt to get away from him, letting out a cry that was a mixture of a strangled scream and sob. "Let me go— you son of a bitch! I need to get it back; I have to get it—"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Levi finally growled and she froze at the fatality present in his tone. "Stop acting like a fucking child."

Finally, she looked at him.

"What's wrong...?" Ida asked mockingly in disbelief that he would even ask something like that. "This world that we live in is wrong! Everything is wrong! I don't want to be this way either! I don't want to kill — but I MUST! I don't want to be born with a sinner's name — but I WAS! And the only reason why you care is that you've always valued my humanity above all others. Because I was different! Because you know that you're the exact opposite of me! But I can't be that girl anymore!"

Levi glowered at her, fist clenching. "Don't fucking presume that is the only reason—"

"It is! You're humanity's strongest — the most powerful and revered man! You're cold, unbreakable, and you make no mistakes! You are incapable of feeling! You are incapable of anything! For your duty, there is no line you will cross, NO ONE that you will abandon! It's easy for you isn't it?! To just discard something that you find inconvenient! What does a guy like you fucking understand?! You never show any weaknesses! You never show anything! So, what gives you the rights — as a man who dutifully accepts his fate as humanity's sword and kills anyone he perceives a threat — what gives you the right to judge me?!"

"Did you even think for a fucking moment if this is what I wanted — that I enjoy it?!" Levi snapped, gritting his teeth. "No matter how you live, or where you go, you'll encounter suffering and you will have to make unfavorable choices. But you have no intention of accepting that. So you don't know what the hell you are — a sinner, a victim, a hero, a criminal… and because you can't decide, you conveniently become the tragic shitty heroine; a victim of circumstances. And you blame the fucking world for it. Even now, you're doing the exact same fucking thing — you're afraid that I would judge you, resent you; so in a shitty attempt to convince me otherwise you blame the world for your actions again — but it was your choice, isn't it? How fucking irrational."

"You impudent son of a bitch—"

Ida made a movement, darting her free hand through the air to hit him. She should've known that it was a pointless effort—that Levi could catch it easily. He did. He pulled her hand towards him and dragged her closer to his face.

"Impudent?" Levi echoed dangerously. "Listen you damned stinking brat — you're nothing more than a monster, a sinner, a piece of fucking inhumane filth. The world will never accept you, so why the hell does it matter if I don't?"

His words made her blood boil. Again, she struggled fruitlessly against his iron grip—she could not budge. His expression was dark and knowing and Ida was beginning to feel extremely vulnerable underneath his gaze.

"Shut up—"

"The feeling of bashing her head to the wall in anger, the feeling of watching her writhe and squirm, the feeling of pulling the trigger and ending her life…" Levi leaned dangerously closer to her ear. "You enjoyed it didn't you? Every single moment of it."

Her green eyes expanded and in a show of a sudden influx of strength fueled by fear, she used her free hand to push him away and ripped her hand away from his powerful grip.

His words resonated deep within her, encroaching her very soul and she backed away from him, trembling.

"I know that already…" she spoke again, this time her words were cloaked with self-loathing. "I know that I'm disgusting, that I'm a monster, a sinner, that I'm not the same anymore… I don't have a choice… But... You will never understand..."

Yes, Levi would never understand why she had to change — it was the only way, the only way she could still stay by his side. The only way she was able to defy destiny. The only way she could rebel. But she could never tell him that, for she knew that Levi would take it wrongly — she didn't want to burden him with something like that. Ida knew that he would feel responsible for the change. He had always valued her humanity above anything else about her.

If anything, she didn't feel any guilt over killing Rena, instead Ida had found that she relished in it. The smell of her blood, the look of her horrified face as she fell to the ground after a bullet pierced through her head, the feeling of metal in her hand — it was exhilarating.

And that thought terrified her.

She was beginning to become someone that even she could not recognize.

"Understand?" he repeated dangerously, and he took one step towards her and Ida unknowingly took another step back. "What the hell is there for me to understand — I know who you were from the very start. I know what you truly are — but you can't possibly show that to others, you wanted to be accepted. It's all you ever fucking wanted. Even worse, the moment the secrets of your bloodline come to light, others will find that you're far too dangerous… No one will ever accept you."

Ida's teary emerald eyes widen — he knew. That thought shuddered through her like a cold chill. Levi could read her like an open book. Every single little secret, every single little insecurity, every single little demon that resided within her. She stared at him, horrified of what was to come next.

From the moment Ida had found out about the dark secrets of her heritage, she knew that was impossible to be forgiven, much less accepted. She, who walked through a blood-stained path with a sinner's name, could never possibly be accepted. So why on earth should she continue pretending that she had a humanity?

"You killed her not because she attacked you," he growled, taking another dangerous step towards her. "You killed her because you hated yourself. You hated that she was alive because she reminded you of everything you could not accept."

Ida found herself backed to the wall, and Levi was only approaching her by the second.

He placed his arm around her, and she flinched, knowing that she was trapped. Ida found herself sucked into his haunting gray eyes, unable to break away.

He bent forward, his tall frame looming over her like a bad omen, and his voice held that cocky drawl so reminiscent of his past, "So because you know that you will never be accepted because you descended a line of sinners, you decided to fuck it and allow every single sick sadistic bloodlust you tried so hard to suppress run rampant."

"I told you to fucking shut up!" she shrieked, hitting him in the chest to stop him from closing any closer, but he was too strong.

He grabbed her hands, preventing her from throwing any more hits.

"Stop it," said Levi. His voice, like the dominance of his hold, was a force to be reckoned with. "Stop this."

His words seemed to vibrate through her, low and thick in the air. She shuddered, and the force of his savage look trapped all protest in her throat.

Ida's breaths were in pants after she had exhausted all her energy. For a while, the two of them just stared at each other unyielding, trying to read each other's minds. Then, she felt his grip on her loosen and he moved his hand to touch the sides of her face.

Her eyes widened in surprise as she felt her entire body tense up, all traces of the uncontrollable despair fading. She jerked back in surprise, breaking the sudden contact.

"What the fuck are you doing, Ackerman?" she snarled, trying to shove him away. "You said—"

"A tool made to kill for one is a tool made to survive for another — to live and a kill, are the same..." he interrupted her chillingly, narrowing his gray eyes to meet with her wary green ones. "I won't ever see you as a monster, Ida… for I am one as well…"

Tension seized her tongue and he continued.

"You don't need anyone to accept you… You only need to accept what you truly are." He continued slowly, staring at her. "I've long accepted that this is who I am — and I admit, for a damned moment, I was disappointed — disappointed not because you fucking changed, but I was... disappointed in myself that I forced you into this."

Her eyebrows creased. "But you didn't—"

"I did." Levi cut her off, his voice cold. "I fucking did. My whole entire shitty life was just a constant darkness and that was why I was so drawn to you — you showed me that there was a different way to rebel in this cruel world, that there was a different way to survive. But to live and kill, are the same… I know what we are, Ida — I know what we do is fucking disgusting, filthy and goes against all the damn morals that this pissing human society imposes on us. You thought that it would be different, didn't you? That once you left that hellhole of the Underground, it would all be different. That you didn't need this monster you harbored within you anymore — I was the same. I thought it would've been different, but it wasn't. But even though you knew that you still struggled to fight, that is… proof of your humanity and that is what I admired the most about you."

"I don't care if you are the most fucked up person in this world, I don't care what shitty last name you carried." Levi never once took his eyes off her, watching intently as a lone tear trailed down her face. "All I know is that you are my subordinate, my comrade, my..."

He trailed off.

Ida waited for him to continue, and she could tell that Levi was thinking of the right words to say — he could not have her think otherwise. The room froze for what seemed like an eternity and all she could hear was her heartbeat in her ears and her long cumbersome breaths. Her gaze slowly bonded with the floor; she couldn't make out what he was thinking.

Levi made the first movement, his hand cupping her warm cheek and wiping his thumb across her tear-stricken face.

"All I know is that you are Ida Starke," he said with finality.

He nudged her chin up with his thumb, and her lips parted with a sharp intake of breath. His gaze gentled, taking in the vulnerability in her eyes, the fear in her face, and all he wanted to do was hold her, reassure her. She looked so fragile.

As if under a spell, his gaze was drawn to her lips, parted and full, and the sound of her shallow breathing filled him with a fierce longing.

Suddenly, Levi had no power over the pull he was suddenly feeling. In exaggerated slowness, he bent towards her, closing his eyes to caress her mouth with his own. A weak gasp escaped her as she stiffened, but he couldn't relent. The taste of her lips was far more than he bargained for, and he drew her close with a raspy groan. With a fierce hold, he cupped the back of her neck and kissed her deeply, gently, possessively in his touch.

And then all at once, beyond his comprehension, her body melded to his with an answering groan, and he was shocked when her mouth rivaled his with equal demand. Desire licked through him, searing his body and then his conscience returned; brutal and startling.

No, what the hell was he doing?

With a heated shudder, he gripped her arms and pushed her back, his breathing ragged as he held her at bay.

"We can't do this," he rasped, cursing himself inwardly. Ida was dangerous to be around. In hindsight, he shouldn't even have come here — what was he thinking?

Levi dropped his hold and his gaze returned, capturing hers and riddled with conflict. "You should get some sleep."

We can't? Ida glared at him through glazed eyes, her pulse still pumping in her veins at a ridiculous rate. The heated blush on her cheeks went straight to her temper. Ida hated him, just a few moments ago she was so angry at him. and now here she was, tingling from his touch and desperate for more. The very thought inflamed both fury and desire at the same time, muddling her mind.

In a catch of his breath, Ida closed the gap between them and grabbed his shirt, pulling him forward and took his lips with hers.

Levi inhaled deeply. Mind over body, he chanted to himself—but fuck the mind—he held her back, his hands cradled her waist tightly. The embrace grew tighter, the kiss more intense. His mouth roamed at will, no longer gentle as he devoured her, ravenous against the smooth curve of her lips, with a guttural groan, he jerked her close with powerful arms, consuming her mouth with a kiss surely driven by the sheer will to ravage.

They have finally crossed the line that they have teetering on since she had come back, and yet, Levi couldn't bring himself to stop.

Was enjoying the curious sensation of her tongue trailing against his lips — was it wrong?

Was it so wrong to want her like this? To feel her skin and hear her breaths?

Before the rational side of his mind could take over, he felt a very sharp pain on his lips, and Ida pulled away, panting. Levi touched his lips, finding that it was bleeding. What the hell? Did she bite him? She wrapped her hands around his neck, forcing his attention on her.

"...Do you love me…?" She asked very quietly, her expression impassive but her cheeks were flushed scarlet.

Levi fell silent with her question. He had not been expecting the question. What did she mean by love? He was incapable of love. Care? Concern? Or undying passion and atonement?

Sensing that she would not get an answer, Ida opted for another question. "Do you care for me?"

Levi saw no point in lying now — he had come to find her out of his own oblivion, he just returned her kiss and now, he was allowing her to hold him. He, Levi Ackerman, the so-called strongest, was a pathetic man who undeniably cared for a woman that he knew that he did not deserve.

He did not answer, instead, his hands rose from his side to placing themselves around her waist.

It was enough for an answer.

Her hand slid down to his chest, pausing over his erratically beating heart. Then she leaned in again, grabbing his lips again. Levi groaned; he knew exactly where this was leading to. He did not know what overcame him as pushed her to the wall, kissing her hungrily.

She broke the kiss, panting and in one swift movement, he grabbed her thighs and she wrapped herself to him. Turning around, he pushed her down against the bed as he hovered over her. Their lips met again, exchanging passionate dances and he felt his hand move down her chest. Ida made a quiet nose, almost a whimper, and Levi found it disturbing that it turned him on more.

Wait.

He broke away before things got too heated and rested his forehead against her, panting.

No, he needed some time to think.

No, this is wrong, his mind was screaming, but his primal instinct was piloting him. As condemnable as his self-control was, Levi could feel himself slipping. This is so, so wrong.

"...Levi…" Ida broke the silence, reading his hesitancy to continue. Her breaths were small and cumbersome. "...What am I to you...?"

He felt himself freeze at that question. What was she to him? If he had crossed the line again, where will this leave them at? Suddenly, he felt his rationality grip onto him in a chokehold and he instantly recoiled back, getting off her as he planted his feet on the ground.

No, Levi could never allow that. He was so, so adamant about severing things with her. They were in the middle of a war — he could offer her nothing. It was bad enough that he felt nothing but guilt over destroying who she once was — guilt over forcing her to tap into the monster within her — there was no way he could ever accept her. They have grown so attached to each other and just thinking of each other deaths was excruciating.

They were soldiers, in the middle of a war. They could die at any minute.

And yet there he was, about to do the very thing that would tie him her back to him again. No, this was wrong. Fuck, what the hell was he thinking?

He made an annoyed sound under his breath, but before he could bolt out of there and berate himself for what he had foolishly done, Ida was off the bed and she grabbed his wrist to prevent him from leaving.

"...What are you doing?" Levi whispered coldly, careful to maintain his stoic expression. His chest was heaving, and his eyes were hard, focused on her with cool disregard.

Ida's voice was dead-like and hollow. "...Why can't you answer me?"

"This is a conversation I am not interested in," Levi replied monotonously. "You should rest."

Her grip on his wrist had grown so tight that he felt the circulation cut off. Levi made no movement to comfort her; he remained perfectly silent and still. The effects of Ida's solemn insistence had faded when she finally let go. Graced with feeling in his hand again, Levi shook it out surreptitiously and resumed staring at her.

"...You said you didn't have a choice," Levi's voice was calm and composed. "But you do. Leave the Survey Corps."

The redhead was stumped. "What...?"

"You're a noble lady of the Starke family now," he clarified tonelessly. "You have somewhere else to you belong to. It's not like you're in desperate need of an income or that you need something to do. Managing the assets you inherited would definitely take up all of your time."

Ida scoffed incredulously. "...Are you seriously asking me to retire?"

"Yes," came his dead-like reply.

"Why?"

Because this is too hard on you and I can't stand to see you suffer in silence as you slowly lose your humanity. And especially because this is too hard on us. But Levi had already decided he wanted to lie.

"You were never meant to be a soldier, you've said it hundreds of times before," Levi stated impassively, his visage like a bronzed cool mask. "You're too fucking weak for something like this."

Seconds passed by, a silence so loud that their heartbeats rumbled like a Titan's footsteps.

"I won't leave. I will never leave. The only time I will leave is when I'm dead," Ida finally spoke after letting the silence reign for a bit longer. The spark in her eyes returned, burning with determination and hatred as she glared at him. "Don't worry, this will never happen again."

Levi grimace at her remark. "That's not the fucking point."

Ida leveled her glare with him, not backing down. "I don't care if I lose my humanity, I don't care if I become the most vicious and disgusting person in this world. I DO NOT care, Levi. And you're right, this is who I am — and I don't need any fucking person to accept me."

With the way she was glaring at him, Levi knew that she could see right through his lies.

"Starke—"

"It's Ida, isn't it?" she snapped frostily. "Ida when it suits you, Starke when you want to draw the line. Starke or Ida, ignore or comfort me, hate or love me; you can't make your damned mind."

Levi did not reply and instead focused on glaring her. His eyes glinted like gray glass, sharp and deadly.

"You're so dumb, Ackerman." she scoffed. "You say you value my humanity, but we don't grow attached to people because they're good people. We do it with people whose darkness we recognize. Anyone in this goddamn world can grow attached to a person with all the right reasons, but that attachment is superficial, and it will still fall apart. You're not attached to me because you saw in me what you didn't have — but because your monsters within have found a home in me. And that, Ackerman, that is the kind of attachment that owns your skins and bones. So, I'm suggesting you make up your damn mind before it consumes you."

She did not wait for him to answer and she pushed past him, heading for the door. She ran down the hallways and when she had finally reached one secluded and far away enough for her liking, she pressed her back to the wall and finally allowed her tears to flow.

She hated him.

She hated him with every fiber of her being, with every pound of her heart.

But she could not forsake him.

The battle of love and hate fought for dominance within her, searing her mind and killing it.

Closing her eyes, she sagged against the wall, too stunned to move and too shaken to care. She pressed a trembling hand to her mouth, her lips swollen from the taste of him.

The monster within her clawed at her chest and again, Ida let it devour her as she sobbed uncontrollably.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

The winter sky is a widow's sky, bedarkened and weeping.

With a crack of thunder, the rain comes, cascading from the sky. The droplets of rain landed on her and she felt her soul stir, the air electrified as it anticipates the quenching storm. Sheets of rain revived the grass, resounding and rippling without frontier.

She moved through the dense vegetation, blinking the water out of her eyes.

You must find it, the monster within her called. You have to.

Her fingers moved aimlessly through the bushes; desperately, urgently, and hysterically. She was completely drenched but the cold was nothing compared to her frozen soul. Ida Starke's mind was completely blank, all she could think about was her last lifeline. If it was truly gone then she had nothing else to hope for.

That bracelet was her lifeline, her hope, her memories — she needed it to retain her sanity or the monster within her would arise once again.

She had to hold on — Levi wouldn't think of anything else before the end of this war, and she needed that bracelet. It was a symbol of everything she was living for, her source of power to continue fighting.

Finally, she saw it. Saw the glimmer of the metal underneath the soft moonlight. It hung lifelessly on one of the branches.

Her trembling fingers reached out and she grabbed it.

Her fingers curled around it and she crumpled on the floor, her tears mixing with the rainwater cascading down her face. Oh, thank god. She clutched the bracelet close to her chest, shivering as the memories exploded in her mind.

The monsters within her stirred as a reaction, but Ida suppressed it forcibly. Her jaw tightened and she closed her eyes, a momentary peace washing over her. The heavy rain washed over her and Ida felt that it was soothing; that along with it, the rain had washed and cleansed her despair.

When she opened her eyes again, blinking the rainwater out of it. Ida flickered eyes trailing back to her open window on the second floor. Somehow, she knew Levi Ackerman was still there; watching her.

And he was.

As cold, unbreakable and perfect he always was, Levi simply stared at her with an indifferent look on his expression.

Her gaze met with him in a challenge. How cruel, she thought miserably, smiling. How terribly cruel, he was.

Gray, she observed his haunting icy eyes.

It did not take much hindsight to know that the days with Levi were always the worst or the best days of her life. Everything about him was always black and white. No Gray.

It was only tonight that she realized just how much gray he was made of. And she realized that she hated gray. And bitterly, passionately, and miserably, she realized just how much she hated him, equally as much as she loved him.

But she was determined to fight. Until her heart Is black and blue, and right down to her very last breath, she would continue fighting. No matter what this cruel world throws at her, it would not shake her. Her monsters would not devour her — she would not allow it to destroy her any longer.

Because it would be worth it.

Every stubborn inch of it.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

He stood paralyzed in her room for what seemed like an eternity.

Levi Ackerman wished he could sleep for days. Bone-tired, mind-numbing sleep, enough to take him far away from the painful realization that he had just made a royal fool of himself tonight. He kneaded the pad of his thumb against his temple, desperate to alleviate the headache that had been throbbing all night — the one that reached its peak when Ida stormed out of the room.

Ida Starke had made her point — and she was right, he couldn't make his mind up about her. He had done everything he could to steer her in the right direction, but regardless, he had just gone and fucked up everything. Back to square one.

It was raining now. And the sounds of the rain splattering against the window reminded him of that night that he finally came to terms with her 'death'. The memory seared through his mind and his fist curled as a reaction. How painful it was. A sense of déjà vu swept over him, as the ghosts of his past paraded around and within him, a startling reminder of the numbed agony.

Even now… Even after she had returned alive, it still throbbed.

He exhaled irritably, deciding that it was a problem he did not want to think about tonight. He merely needed to ignore her from now on and focus on his work.

Levi walked to the window to close to it shut against the rain, but he stopped mid-action when he saw her fumbling through the dense vegetation, completely drenched. Her fingers were cut against the thorny bushes as Ida furiously rummaged through the bushes in desperation.

He knew what she was looking for.

And he knew that despite it all, she still couldn't let him go.

His indignant anger was immediate and choking, masking every semblance of pain and guilt.

Why? After everything, why was the hell was she so stubborn? He had given her hints as big as the Colossal Titan and yet she had ignored it completely. Obstinately, self-destructively, and fervently, she ignored it. It made him wonder—just how strong was her attachment to him? Where did it go wrong? She wasn't supposed to be like this, she was stronger than this. Their hearts were too ruthless to break.

Levi knew he was responsible for her current mental instability. She had been through so much recently, and right when she needed him the most, he cut her off. Even worse, he had just done something tonight to tie her back to him again. Why the hell did he always slip up around her? His façade as a callous cold Captain was already fading around her. He needed to do something, anything to convince her otherwise.

He wanted to run to her — to force her back on her two firm feet, to scream at her that he wasn't worth it, that she was destroying herself. But he couldn't move nor could he speak, the muscles in his throat had tightened too much.

Levi didn't even know if he truly wanted her to forsake him.

Burning rage hissed through his body like a deadly poison, screeching a demanded release. His cold fury burnt with dangerous intensity. Levi was never worried about his frequent outbursts of red-hot sparks, it was these bitterly cold, slow-burning rage that threatened to engulf him and consume him whole.

He watched her carefully with hard eyes; watched her find the bracelet and clutch it close to her chest as though it was the only thing keeping her sane.

I destroyed her.

How could she even ask him if he loved her? Someone like him was utterly incapable of love.

He held his breath when Ida lifted her head and spotted him by the window. Even when veiled by millions of raindrops, her fury and contempt were as clear as day. It stirred something within him; pain, guilt, misery, he did not know how to describe it, only that it was painful and that it killed his soul.

If there's anything I felt for you Ida, it would not be love. It would be guilt…

Levi stretched his hand out and closed the window, shutting it, and along with it; he tried to forcibly shut away his emotions.

But try as he might, the turmoil within him raged as he left the room.

The weight of everything seemed to press down his shoulders and he struggled to take even a single step forward. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, Levi kept moving. But every step cost him. The darkness grew darker; the pain grew sharper; all of it seemed to only grow in strength.

Someone like him was utterly incapable of love, he concluded that night repeatedly like it was a prayer that kept his monster within at bay.

Levi Ackerman might not know exactly what love was, but even someone as deplorable as him understood that you wouldn't leave someone you love to slowly bleed out in a pool of their own blood.

Levi Ackerman might not know how to love, but even a monster such as himself was understood that you wouldn't destroy someone you love.

Levi Ackerman might not know how to receive love, but even as sinner such as himself understood that he wasn't worthy of her love.

Ida's fire burned just too bright for his paper-thin soul.

Her love was deeper than what he could ever conceive while he was a mere facade of empty promises that he could not keep. He destroyed her and yet... he could not let her go.

And for that, Levi Ackerman hated himself more than anything.

"It'll be worth it..." Ida had promised desperately that night of the ball. "Every stubborn inch of it."

But it will not be worth it.

It was not worth these tears, these heartbreaks, this anguish... It was not worth the pain that would surely follow. If they continued what he so desperately wanted… It would break her — irrecoverably, painfully, fatally, it would break her.

But wasn't she already broken beyond redemption now...?

He shut the door to his room behind him and his fist met with the wall instantly. His jaw tightened and Levi shut his eyes. Alone in the darkness, Levi cursed the cruel world that they lived in; cursed every single damned Titan beyond the walls, cursed their tragic circumstances, cursed the chains of duty that kept him from reaching out to his heart's truest desire.

He hated it, every inch of it.

He was named the strongest, and yet he could not change anything.

He was the strongest, and yet even he could not protect himself from the monsters within.

---

I know many of you anticipated fluff; truly, I wanted to go straight to it as well. But on further thought, I wanted to keep Levi to truly be in-character and someone so altruistic & headstrong as him certainly wouldn't jump into a relationship so easily - he definitely needs a push in the right direction (okay more like a shove down a cliff as tall as the Colossal Titan). It's the main reason why I said their romance would be a slow burn in the first place, to keep him in character as best as I could. So I apologize for those wanting some fluff! **bows**

When they do get together in a few chapters though, I promise it'll be worth it :p **wink wink**

Please leave me a review on your thoughts, it lets me know if I'm on the right track or not and keeps me going! I really do pray that Levi isn't OOC this chapter. I tried so hard, lol. I also hope that this chapter gave some further insight into Levi's decision to leave her.