Humanity's Strongest Woman

by xDollfie

In every empire, there is an epic era that defies the boundaries of time and immortalized itself in the history books. For mankind, an epic era they will never forget has finally emerged. The war between humanity and Titans has finally come to a head. Love cease to exist in a time like this, but they found it, and promised that it'll be worth it. Every stubborn inch of it [LEVIXOC]

37. Sane Alone

Hello! Apologies for the late update! I've changed Christmas to 'winter solstice/longest night' because I realize Christmas isn't really canon-compliant after some thought since they worshipped the Walls and all. The previous chapter has also been edited to adapt to this change!

Thank you 92 is half of 99 and blackbutler415 for giving me your opinion!

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Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie

Chapter 33 — Sane Alone

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She wasn't sure where Levi disappeared following that incident. She found herself staring at the closed door in anticipation these past few days, half expecting him to find her, but he never came.

Ida had to admit she was glad. It gave her time to think and to bring her intense emotions under control. She practically lived in Hanji's office since their last encounter, and whenever anyone tried to bring him up, Ida would shut them down before they could get a word in.

She was so spiteful she even called Seth Fischer in as Mobilt's replacement — to which the male gladly agreed. It was a rash and immature of her, but Ida didn't care, she knew it'll piss Levi off when he found out.

She tried, many times, to convince herself that she was able to get over him. Ida could not. Despite how much she buried herself into her research, she found her mind slipping back to him.

She didn't know what had gotten into Levi, nor could she comprehend what he wanted with her. He had won the war between them — she had stopped believing that they'll ever be something more than Captain and subordinate, and yet his actions only told her a different story.

That maybe, just maybe, Levi wanted her too.

And this small contradicting thought infuriated her deeply.

Unable to reach a proper conclusion, Ida stubbornly carried on with her life normally — or normally as she could muster, for oftentimes she found herself dazed. It disrupted her work and she was ashamed to say that Seth and Hanji had caught her more than once mentally checking out during a conversation with them.

She spent the days mentally going away to some dark place inside of her where her emotions toward Levi rolled like waves. They were never consistent, coming and going in phases: sometimes an intense, aching hollowness, other times a frightening and all-consuming hatred.

Ida had a piece of Jaron Starke's notes in her hands as she attempted to trigger the 'Will of Odina' when she found herself distracted again. She tried to focus on the piece of paper; her loathsome uncle's delicate cursive handwriting, the burnt edges, the touch of crisp paper in her hand.

But nothing worked.

With a loud defeating exhale, she leaned back on her seat. "Hanji."

Hanji was sitting in front of her on the other side of the desk, reading one of the reports from the Corps engineers about the communication device. "Yeah?"

"Have you ever thought about settling down?"

Ida could tell that her sudden heavy question alarmed her because Hanji shifted in her seat before she answered, "Yes, actually. I did."

"What about… falling in love?"

"...Oftentimes," Hanji admitted quietly, much to her surprise.

Ida sat up straighter, appalled. "Who's the lucky guy?" she probed, wondering if it was rude to ask — but then again, Hanji was always sniffing around her private business. She didn't see why she shouldn't return the favor. "Mobilt, I'm guessing?"

Hanji seemed to have frozen over and Ida lifted a quizzical eyebrow. It was only seconds later that she got a reply from her. "I… haven't really found anybody, not that anyone would be interested in someone like me. I'm not really… appealing you can say."

"Maybe you should spend more time on finding someone instead of obsessing over Titans," Ida suggested, her tone bearing no harm.

Hanji coaxed a sheepish smile. "It's who I am, I can't help it."

"So, no one caught your interest?"

"Not really," Hanji admitted. "As I said, it's just… not for me."

Ida didn't really believe her explanation, but she thought it best she let it slide. "If you did find someone, would you abandon the Survey Corps for him?"

"I doubt so," came her instantaneous reply.

Ida couldn't help but frown. Hanji's answer only cemented her dark thoughts about what a terribly selfish person she was. Self-loathing percolated within her and Ida thought how silly it was that she even had the faintest idea that Levi loved her — someone as altruistic as him couldn't possibly love someone as impossibly selfish as she.

Because she was sure, if Levi told her to leave the Survey Corps with him right now, she would've abandoned everything and followed him in a heartbeat. She would throw away her title, her responsibility, her duty. Everything. Not that he would ever. Levi loved humanity with his heart and soul, and he was righteous.

And even though she had loved him to the brink of destruction, he didn't love her back. Not enough. She'll never be the most important.

"What about after this war...?" Ida asked softly. "After this war ends, what would you do then?"

"Ida." Hanji settled her report down on the table. She stared at her with a certain seriousness that Ida hardly saw in her. "Is this about Levi?"

"No," Ida lied, forcing her voice still. "I'm just thinking about the future, it's nothing."

"Ida… In our line of work, it's hard to keep sane sometimes." Hanji's voice held an uncharacteristic firmness, but Ida could detect the understanding in its undercurrents. "But in our deepest moment of despair, I believe that we can still find hope. You understand, don't you? One day or another, everyone we care about eventually dies. But that doesn't mean we should fear the future and not live in the present—"

"Hanji," Ida called her name with such fatality that she stopped. "I don't fear the future."

Hanji looked confused. Ida could tell that she had suspected that this was the reason why the close relationship between Levi and her had now descended into an awkward professional one.

How wrong Hanji was. It was Levi who feared the future, not her. She was willing to risk everything for him.

Levi is an idiot, Ida thought miserably. He said fate would keep us apart, but it was he who was doing so. Fate had no part in bringing us together or keeping us apart. It was us and only us that could do that. As bleak as our future looks, we don't know what lies ahead of us. And I can survive through anything, Levi is wrong to think of me so weak.

And it was such a tragic thing, Ida felt, that she could see it so clearly, but Levi couldn't.

She tipped her head back in misery. When she noticed that Hanji was waiting for an elaboration, she made eye contact with her again.

"Hanji… I know that no matter what happens, I'll survive — it's how I've been living for a long time now. Murders, deaths of my loved ones, betrayal by a man I thought I once loved, finding out I descended from a line of sinners who created the Titans… If I could survive all that, I could survive anything. I don't fear the future. Not anymore. You say that it's hard to keep sane sometimes in our line of work, but that's how I've lived, and I know for a fact… that one way or another, contrary to how I might shatter... I'd always be sane alone."

Hanji's lips thinned, her eyes finding anything but her. "Ida, I just…"

"Don't." Ida interrupted, appraising her with a soft smile. She moved forward and grabbed her hand, startling her. "Don't be worried about me, Hanji, and thank you — for caring about me. I might not show it, but I do appreciate it."

"Ida, I know something is bothering you." Hanji tried to coax her to talk. "I know that you don't talk about your personal matters openly, but I'm here if you need me. No one can be sane alone in our line of work."

"I can," she stated with conviction.

Hanji's countenance creased in concern. "Ida—"

"Let's get back to work, we're running out of time," Ida instructed, her tone carrying such a finality that Hanji knew that no matter how much she rallied against it, it was to no avail.

Retracting her hand back, Ida concluded the brief conversation when she peered back to the note in her hand, knowing well that Hanji was still sneakily assessing her state of mind. She allowed her to. What she had spoken was the truth.

She'd walked through hell and yet she was still standing — regardless of how much she wanted to give up, the fact that she was still fighting to live must have proved something. To be alone was a truly frightening thing, but Ida was used to it, at one point in time in the distant past, she even craved to be alone.

She would survive this.

And that is how she'll continue living, knowing that she'd be sane alone.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

He glared at the immense building before him.

Levi had just arrived back from Wall Sina. The pig-faced merchants were quick to agree to his demands when confronted face to face with someone of his caliber. He suspected that was the reason why Erwin sent him in the first place; he was aware of the effect that he had on people.

His mind was in chaos. There were so many things that he needed to think through while the Survey Corps prepared for an expedition to retake Wall Maria. Plans for the expedition should've been the most pressing matter occupying the forefront of his mind, but that was not the case — the most pressing matter now was what he was going to do with Ida Starke.

Frankly, Levi could not believe the temptations that fate kept throwing at him.

First, it was Ida's return from the dead — a reminder that even though he cherished her life, he had chosen his duty above all. With her return came an influx of old memories and dread, accompanied by a hideous influx of self-loathing and a hint of a possibility...

Then the second twist from fate came, Ida loved him — self-destructively and obstinately, she begged him to stay with him by her side, regardless of what the future entails. It was a completely blind unconditional love that he did not deserve. A love destined for tragedy.

And so, he rejected her because he knew she was being foolish. What they had wasn't love. It was an obsession, a distraction that was transient because it kept them somewhat sane in their line of work. All that matter was keeping her alive and safe, Levi was fine with walking this path alone.

The last twist from fate hit him the hardest when he realized he loved her too and he could not let her go.

And even with his fatalistic practical mindset set firmly in place to counteract this realization, a voice in the back of his head kept urging him on: perhaps he was making a mistake, maybe he deserved it, maybe he was afraid of being alone and he couldn't walk this path by himself anymore.

In hindsight, he should've known better. Ida would always be beside him, whether or not he wanted her to be, for he should've never made the mistake of growing attached for her in the first place, for letting himself indulge in her comfort and keeping her close to him for the sake of his sanity, because now…

It felt like they were embarking on a one-way road to hell together and there was no turning back.

"Captain! You're back!" Eren greeted him when he entered the mess hall. He was seated with the rest of his squad.

He nodded numbly at his squads' greetings, but his mind was in another place. Levi wondered if he should go to her now. Knowing Ida, she had probably chosen to seclude herself — her way of coping with her emotions.

"Anything to report?" he asked monotonously, crossing his arms.

"Nothing sir!" Armin reported.

Levi stared at Jean, who visibly flinched when he felt his gaze on him. Hah, at least the boy had the decency to be afraid. But Levi wasn't about to take out his frustrations on him. He sat down on his squad's table.

"Where's Ida?" Levi could feel the tension and he realized that his squad didn't think it was wise to mention her. "Did I stutter?"

"Uhm… after she found out…" Eren started in a small voice. "She refused to come out of Hanji-san's office or let anyone in…"

"Tch." Levi gritted his teeth, vexed. It was clear to him what Ida was trying to do. She was purposely secluding herself, refusing to even meet her squad because she didn't want anyone to report to him. Ida was doing all of this intentionally.

Stinking spiteful brat…

It was bad enough he was feeling a surge of irritation rush through his veins, but on cue to piss on his afternoon even further, Seth Fischer came to the table for lunch with a detestable smile as he greeted his squad members.

"Seth!" Connie waved him over, scooting over the bench to make a space for him. "Where have you been? You're so busy nowadays, we hardly see you!"

Seth took the seat next to him. "I've been helping Ida with her work as Hanji's temporary assistant."

It took Levi all his composure to not let out an irate hiss at that statement. Why the fuck didn't anyone report this to him? The last Levi remembered; he had given the job of watching Seth to Mikasa before he left. Acid burned through him, but he suppressed it. Knowing Ida, she probably did this on purpose as well.

"Seth!" Eren slung a casual arm on his shoulder. "Jean said that you taught him a few moves, can you teach me later as well?"

Eren flinched when he felt a glare land on him. "Captain, that's fine right? My schedule is clear today, do you have anything you need me to do?"

Levi bristled inwardly. He was in a better position to teach Eren compared to Seth's inadequate mentorship. Yet, he kept his face stoic, not making a move to agree or reject Eren's request.

He understood that Eren would've never outright asked him for training lessons. Levi knew that his tart tongue and methods of handling things made everyone uneasy around him. In fact, if it wasn't for their time together during the uprising, Levi wasn't sure that his squad would've trusted him completely. They respected him back then and obeyed him, but the obedience was derived more from his rank, awe, and fear than anything else.

And yet that bloody scarred face bastard had simply waltzed into his squad's hearts and made a cozy little spot for himself.

The times Levi did observe Seth, he found out that the bastard was the glaring opposite of him; friendly, charming, eager to help and charismatic — it was easy to see why the younger recruits were so taken in with him. He was like the big brother they never had, and this thought served to inflame his hatred of the man even further.

He had hated him from the moment he saw him. He was undeniably handsome, Levi had to admit, but there was something unsavory in his face that his perfectly symmetrical features couldn't paint out.

It was his expression, Levi decided. Even when Seth smiled, he had a strain around his eyes, like the rest of the world stank and he was fighting to endure it.

"Sure," Seth agreed. "Anytime you like. As long as Ida doesn't need me, I'll be sure to help you out."

Mikasa's eyes turned into suspicious slits. "Eren, are you training again? Don't push yourself. If you're going to be alone with him, I'll accompany you."

Truly an Ackerman to the bone, Levi observed. Out of all his squad members, Mikasa was the only one who was wary of Seth.

Levi had all but forgotten about his prior plans to find Ida as he drowned himself in his torturous thoughts. None of his subordinates seemed to have the nerve to disturb him. A small portion of him wished they would so he would've had an excuse to tear his attention away from the detestable man.

His wish for a distraction finally came to pass, though it wasn't in a way he wished it was.

"Levi! You're back! I thought you would've gone straight to sulking in your office!"

Following that boisterous announcement, an arm draped over his shoulders and Hanji happily plopped herself down beside him with no respect for his personal space.

"Get your damn hands off me, shitty glasses." Levi shoved her hand off him. "What the hell have you been up to?"

"Well, I can see that you're pricklier than usual!" Hanji beamed, her energetic charisma not hampered by his foul attitude. "Say what's wrong?"

Hanji succeeded in distracting him and Levi finally tore his attention away from Seth and drilled a heated glare through her. "What have you been up to with that brat? I heard she refused to come out of your office."

Hanji grinned at his direct question; things were progressing. It was obvious to her that something had clearly happened between the pair, and it pleased her that Levi was asking about her.

Knowing his personality, she opted to feign ignorance. "Oh! We've been occupied with our experiments! We found some interesting things. Ida is surprisingly cooperative, though she did throw a fist towards me here and there…" Her grin grew wider. "Truly, I'm so excited! I honestly can't sleep or stop for anything!"

"I can tell." Levi sneered sarcastically, wrinkling his nose as he leaned away from her. "When was the last time you bathed? You're beginning to smell like a fucking Titan."

Even though it was rhetorical, Hanji lifted a finger to her face in thought. "Now that you mention it, I haven't taken a real shower since—"

Levi scowled. "I don't even want to know."

"Ida is fine," a cool voice interrupted their conversation and Levi snapped his glare to the owner of it, hoping that it would cut him into two. Seth smirked. "I'm taking good care of her — but she's hardly even sleeping or eating. Though, if you cared so much for her Captain, I'm sure you would've gone to her straight to her."

A stark silence fell instantly upon the table and a significant tension rose. No one dared to move or speak, watching in intense trepidation for what might unfold.

Armin bravely assessed the situation, feeling himself sweat just from looking at the inferno rippling in Levi's eyes. He looked like he was about to rip into him.

He pulled on Seth's jacket from under the table to get his attention. Seth stared at him quizzically. "What, Armin?"

"Don't mention Ida-san in front of him," he whispered, soft enough only for Seth's ears.

"Why can't I mention her, Armin?" Seth demanded loudly, crossing his arms. He shifted his cool gaze back to Levi, cocking a brow. "He asked, didn't he?"

"Hahaha!" Jean faked a choking laugh to get Armin out of the sticky situation. "Hey Seth, let's go I heard that—"

He was cut midway when Levi slammed his hand down on the table and stood up abruptly, earning domino-like flinch from his squad.

"Tch." Levi scoffed, glaring at Seth with such malicious intensity, that it had Sasha wondering if he had peed himself from it.

Just when everyone thought Levi was about to explode, he threw a definite glance at Hanji beside him. "Give me an official report on your findings later," he said, his calm voice vibrating with an undercurrent of admonition. "I'll be at my office."

Levi stormed away, slamming the door to the mess hall on his way out.

Hanji exhaled loudly after she heard the slam of the door. She wasn't afraid that Levi would do anything openly — Seth was an official member of the Survey Corps and Levi's self-control was truly commendable — but her nagging intuition told her that if things continued, he would be at his limits.

"Seth," Jean groaned. "You shouldn't mention Ida around him."

"Who knows when he will calm down…" Armin mumbled hopelessly, cradling his teacup.

"Why not?" Seth retorted sharply. "Captain pissy-pants wanted to know how Ida was doing, so I told him."

"It's not just about mentioning her!" Eren countered angrily, standing up. "It's that you implied that he didn't care for her!"

Seth was taken aback at Eren's defensiveness, the boy had been so cordial with him just a moment ago. "Hey, isn't it true though?" he argued, frowning. "If he did care about his subordinates he would—"

"Captain has an odd way of showing he cares, but he does," Jean interjected pointedly. "He cares for all of us, and I know that you haven't experienced it yet but—"

"Seth." Hanji stopped Jean with an uncharacteristic tone of seriousness, getting off the table. She motioned him to follow her. "Come with me."

Seth complied wordlessly, discontented at how the situation had transpired. Suddenly, everyone was against him. The pair moved to a more isolated location of the mess hall.

"What is it Hanji?" he asked in a mild voice, folding his arms.

Hanji exhaled, pausing to accumulate her thoughts. While the younger recruits did not fully understand Seth's past relationship with Ida, assuming that they were just close friends in the past, the intuitive Titan Scientist was not fooled.

"Look, I appreciate all your help over the past few days since Mobilt has fallen ill, but I know what you're doing," Hanji went straight to the point. "You need to stop taunting him, that was a low move."

"But am I wrong?" Seth challenged. "If you say you know everything, then there's no point in hiding. I love her and I can not stand to see her hurt over that bastard."

Hanji surveyed him with caution. "You know nothing about Levi—"

"But I do," Seth stated, suppressed anger anchoring his tone. "You weren't with her when she was held a prisoner. I offered to take her back to the Survey Corps, but do you know what she told me? That she was willing to sacrifice her life, her mother's life, and everything for him. Ida threw away everything. The first thing she did after almost losing her life was to look for you guys — she wanted to know that all of you were safe."

He took another step forward, eyes ablaze. Seth was on his last shred of patience after seeing Ida in that state for the past days. "Hanji, you say that I don't know anything, but I do. He owes her this. And you know just how troubled Ida is recently. If he doesn't do anything — I'll just need to protect her my own way. I will not see her dead for people that do not care about her."

"Do you think anyone here wants to see her dead?" Hanji snapped. "Do you know many scouts have laid down their lives fighting these monsters? You don't. You don't know how it's like to live here. Ever since I've joined the Survey Corps, I've had people dying on me every other day. If it's something you don't understand, learn to understand it. Ida had picked the route of being a soldier, and you've no right to stop her."

She hastily averted her eyes away and expelled a maddening breath.

"We work differently here in the Survey Corps," she added tightly. "You need to change that selfish mindset of yours — for your own good if you're going to stay here. Levi does care, but there's only so much we can do. In our line of work, we've to make sacrifices."

"Fine." Seth conceded half-heartedly. "But I will say this again, Hanji. I'll not see her dead, even if it's the last thing I do."

Hanji regarded him with an air of disappointment. "There's no need to come by to help us anymore, Mobilt has recovered. Thank you for all that you've helped, Fischer."

She left the place before he even had a chance to retort.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

The Survey Corps was something that Seth Fischer never understood. Not that he had any intention of understanding, really.

What was with all these lunatics here? Talking about glorious things like freedom as if normal people gave a shit about it, eating and drinking with people they pretended they cared about when in reality, they would gladly sacrifice each other if there was a need for it.

It was pretentious and stupid, how these scouts declared what the repugnant things they were doing were heroic or for the 'good for mankind'.

How ridiculous.

The core fundamental of a human being was selfishness and self-preservation, and that was what Seth chose to embrace.

Compared to the soldiers of the Survey Corps who pretended that they cared for each other, Seth had to wonder who was the more detestable one between them — him, who openly fought tooth and nail for what he desired in life, doing anything and everything to keep the people he treasured safe, or them, who called each other comrades and friends, acting as though they care for each other only to willing sacrifice their 'friends' the next day.

Saving the world? he thought indignantly. No, they were merely using that as an excuse to hide behind their own selfish agendas.

Levi Ackerman who pretended to be an altruistic hero for the sake of his vanity and purpose.

Hanji Zoe who pretended to be Titan Scientist for the sake of quenching her insatiable thirst for knowledge.

Erwin Smith who pretended that he was leading everyone on a quest for freedom when it was for the sake of gaining immeasurable power.

And lastly, Ida Starke, who pretended she cared about humanity when all she did care about was staying by his side.

They were all actors, all of them. Actors with hidden selfish agendas. So why did the world condemn him — who never once pretended that he was a detestable human being — and not them?

Normal people didn't care about freedom; all they cared about was the family they had to protect, the food they had to place on the table, or the job that they had to keep. Even if there were indeed enemies beyond the Walls, as long as they were given their peace, what do the common people care about the games that kings play?

War was created by those in power to chase their visions of their world. If the Walls were to crumble, then he'll just have to do everything to keep Ida safe. He knew there were indeed other civilizations beyond the walls. The people in the Walls can rot to hell for all he cared.

At the moment Seth was at Hanji's office, sorting through a pile of books. He had disregarded Hanji's dismissal, knowing that she had a scheduled meeting with the engineers of the Survey Corps about the communication device they found.

Seth watched a sleeping Ida carefully. She was fast asleep on top of a pile of papers, a quill still in her hand. Her back was facing the door as she sat on the opposite side of Hanji's desk.

It was clear to him that something else was troubling her. Ida had done her best to hide it, but he only needed to observe her more intently to see the signs.

She zoned out often and muttered things to herself, and she constantly looked towards the door as if expecting a visitor. It didn't take much for him to discern who that particular someone was.

Seth scoffed incredulously. Levi Ackerman did not deserve one ounce of devotion that Ida had for him. As revered and respected as he was, he was a cowardly fool.

Grabbing a blanket, he draped it over her shoulders. Ida stirred awake when she felt the fabric and she lifted her head off the table, rubbing her eyes. "Oh Seth, you're here..."

"If you're going to sleep, then go back to your room," Seth said sternly, his disapproval apparent. "You haven't gotten a good rest since you started."

Ida yawned and sat upright, stretching. "Thanks for the blanket, but I was just resting my eyes."

Seth had learned that as long as he didn't mention anything about their Captain, or express any misgivings he had for the Survey Corps, Ida would be surprisingly cordial with him. Though he could still detect her suppressed wariness when he was around her, he didn't let it bother him.

As long as he was by her side to protect her, that was all that mattered.

He sighed. "I know you really want to help, but you need to rest. You've tried for days. If the 'Will of Odina' did not come to you, then it won't. Honestly, I've never seen anyone so eager to get mind wrecking headaches."

"You don't know that," Ida said. "Hanji did theorize that in order to trigger it, I've to be reminded of something — an image, a mention, an item. But it has been days and even though I've been through Jaron's notes countless times, there's nothing."

"What did those notes say anyway?" Seth rested his arm on the frame of his chair and leaned forward above her.

"Basic Titan knowledge actually, nothing much that we already don't know." Ida shuffled through the pile of papers in front of her. She held one of the half-burnt papers up. "But this one, for instance, states that in pure or mindless Titans, the body of the human is fully assimilated in its nape — this pretty much confirms that every single Titan out there was once human."

She pointed to another half-burnt note. "This one explains why the nape is a weak spot in the Titans because by cutting its nape, it severs the spinal column leading out to the brain in typical humans."

"Heh." Seth chuckled softly. "This is Hanji's wet dream, I bet she went crazy just from reading all of this."

"Well, she did." Ida rolled her eyes at the memory of Hanji's meltdown. "But there's nothing about how to produce Titan serums here, or how to create Titan Shifters or anything about our true history of the world. However, something interesting is that Jaron writes about how everyone is connected to 'paths' towards the first Titan, Ymir — the Titan my ancestors created… but…"

She trailed off and they lapsed into silence.

"But…" Ida continued with a haunted expression. "I can't help but feel that we're missing something — Jaron keeps using this phrase 'Subjects of Ymir' to describe the people in the Walls but what does that really mean? Because she was a Queen, and we're her followers? But that doesn't make sense, and why are the people beyond the Walls attacking us now? I can't help… but feel that it has to do with bloodlines."

"What did Hanji say about this?"

"She agreed with me." Ida expelled a weary sigh. "Unfortunately, there's nothing else we can theorize. We still don't know why the enemies want Eren's power or the true extent of his powers, so there's more I'm sure."

Seth patted her head. "Cheer up dearest."

"Don't call me that," Ida glared at him, swatting his hand away from her. "And where the hell is Hanji? That lunatic has been missing for the past hour."

"I'll go look for her," Seth turned around at her command, but he stopped mid-action.

His eyes expanded when he saw Levi by the half-opened door, but instead of informing Ida of her visitor, he merely met Levi's eyes indignantly and smirked.

How long has he been there?

So the bastard finally came. But it's too late, Ackerman — I gave you the chance, and you did not take them. You let her suffer.

"By the way dear, you should rest," he murmured soothingly, not breaking eye contact with Levi.

Ida waved him away, not noticing where he was looking. She was too engrossed in the pile of notes in front of her. "Yeah, yeah, I will — later. First, go find Hanji for me and come back quickly, I'm going to the archives room after I'm done writing this report."

"Anything for you, sweetheart," Seth replied smoothly while still looking at Levi by the door.

The look on Levi's face was beyond entertaining to Seth — indignation, fury, and jealousy all morphed into a dark scowl that settled on his hard features. And it gave Seth great joy to see him like that. He deserved it. He assumed Levi was a perceptive man — perceptive enough to know that he was issuing a challenge for him to do something about it, to make a claim.

A tiny part of him hoped he would because even though Seth loved her, he knew innately that after what he had done, he was not worthy of her. Most importantly, Levi was the man Ida loved.

For her sake, he wished that the Captain would indeed do something.

He was met with a strange mixture of disappointment and triumphant victory when Levi only glared at him murderously and with a steel edge lining the jaw, he scoffed, turned, and left.

What the fuck?

Seth's fingers curled and his teeth met in a hard clench. That was it. The final chance he was giving Levi, from then on — even if Seth knew that he was not worthy of her — he would take Ida back.

Seth had given up on respecting her wishes. The only reason why he restrained himself was because he felt that he owed her after what he'd done to her. If Ida didn't know what was best for her, he'd make the choice for her.

Because no matter what, Ida had to live — for the sake of his sanity, she had to.

Because for such a selfish person such as Seth Fischer, saving her was the equivalent of saving himself.

Because the simple fact was, keeping her alive was the only thing that was keeping him sane after killing two innocent children he cared about.

She was the living embodiment of the justification of his sins.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Levi felt his mood sour tenfold as he stormed away. The pure, hot, anger radiating from his core was too much for him to even suppress, but he tried anyway. Desperately, he willed to retain his self-control, but the rage was bubbling inside him, alarming him of an overspill.

No, he would not allow his sanity to crack.

He was too strong for this, he had trained too long for this. All those years of battle and his comrades eaten alive in front of him was far worse than this — if he could withhold and suppress his emotions then, he could do it now.

As much as Levi didn't want to admit it, he understood that Ida was a sentimental idiot who still felt something for Seth. If he were to hurt him, Ida would undoubtedly be affected. Levi understood her well enough to know that while she had declared she hated him, a part of her still cared. Ida was foolishly stupid when it came to things like this.

Too kind, too selfless, too humane for her own good.

But Levi Ackerman was nothing like Ida Starke.

He had no qualms of killing someone — even in the face of official repercussions that would undoubtedly follow.

And so, it was best that he leave before his blind malicious anger consumed him.

"Ackerman," a cool voice erupted icily behind him.

He stopped mid-stride, turning to face the very bastard that he wanted to rip into. It had taken him every ounce of his self-control and patience to not storm into that room. And now, hearing that damned suave voice again had stirred something up inside of him that Levi couldn't explain coherent words.

"Forgive me for asking, but are you not going in to see her?" Seth inquired, mockery and judgment wrapping around his every syllabus. "After all, you finally came here."

Levi's heated glare intensified, but he kept his voice calm. "Frankly, I think I fucking prefer you back at the shitty dungeons — it seems to suit a pathetic shitface like yourself."

"I haven't thanked you for that sound beating you gave me back then," he smirked devilishly, gauging Levi's reaction but when he offered him none, he shrugged. "But I guess it doesn't matter. I'll let bygones be bygones, seeing as Ida cares for you."

Levi hated how he said Ida's name — sweetly, caringly, tenderly. Just the mention of her name coming out from his mouth was enough to reignite the cold fury he had buried deep within him. "What are your fucking intentions for getting so close to her?"

"Is it not obvious enough, sir?" Seth fabricated surprise. Few people had the guts to maintain nonchalance in front of his intimidating presence but unfortunately for Levi, Seth was one of them. "I care for her — more than you do — I would say."

"You care for her?" Levi scoffed in disgust, utterly hating Seth's arrogance and apparent disregard for authority. "You're nothing more than a repugnant swine who murdered fucking children."

"Which brings me to the bigger question — why do you care, Ackerman?" Seth demanded tightly, not yielding even though he could feel the bloodlust emitting from the shorter man.

He had heard heroic tales of valour about him — this 'Humanity's strongest', but all Seth saw was a pathetic man who Ida had helplessly fallen in love with.

What does strength matter when he couldn't protect the woman he loved?

What does strength matter when it was obvious that he rejected her even though she did everything to go back to his side?

What does strength matter when he couldn't sacrifice everything to be with her?

In Seth's eyes, Levi was pitiful and certainly not worthy of Ida's affections.

Seth took a step forward in a confrontational manner, his voice carrying underlying steel. "Whether Ida forgives me or not, that is up to her. But I do know one thing — I'd do anything to keep her alive. And that's more than you ever did. You left her to die, remember?"

Levi was beyond the realm livid — how Seth was still talking was beyond him, all he could think about was how he wanted to dig his boots in that smug face and watch him writhe in pain. Admittedly, he knew he should've just snapped his neck and be done with it, but he would not allow this man to taunt him.

"I've met bastards like you — degenerates cunts who would do anything for their self-interests," Levi sneered, recalling all those shitty inhumane filth that he had slaughtered back at the Underground City. He stormed threateningly towards him, enunciating every word severely, "I'm warning you if you do anything to hurt her—"

"I will never hurt her again, Ackerman." Seth interrupted loudly just as the two men closed the distance between them. "Never. Because I love her."

Levi's fists curled into a tight ball and if it was even possible, his rage rose to a whole new level that he did not even know he was capable of.

How dare he say that? After all that he had done to her? After he had betrayed her repeatedly?

A heavy silence permeated the air as Seth's shameless declaration of love hung between them.

Levi had warned him countless times not to cross him and he knew that Seth's bark was worth more than his bite, yet he could not yield now. For a split second, his hand twitched. The proud man in front of him would never retract what he said, they would either fight, or he would yield.

Levi was prepared for either.

The urge to punch this man in the mouth grew stronger with every second passed. Before Levi could act on his violent impulses, he heard Seth let out a sigh.

"Look, I know that she loves you, but you can't leave here can you?" Seth looked slightly agonized that he had to admit that Ida had feelings for someone else. "You can't abandon your duty because you're the strongest and you're too afraid of what would happen if she dies — you can't protect her. But I can. I can abandon anything — children, humanity, this wretched world — I can do it for her. What about you?"

His words cut like glass. However, Levi was well acquainted with the workings of his heart and he would not allow it to quiver.

"Ida—"

He was interrupted again when Seth finally faced him again in a blind rage. "That's right Ackerman." He snapped, etching his face closer to him. "What is she you?"

It happened before he could blink. Levi grabbed him by the collar and pinned him on the wall. Seth allowed just one agonizing grunt to emit from his lips as his head collided with the concrete.

Levi pressed him to the wall with his arm, snarling with teeth bared, "Get out of my fucking face, Fischer."

Despite Levi's murderous expression and icy tone that would usually have every scout's throat closing up in fear, Seth was not frightened. He was clever enough to decipher Levi's attitude towards Ida. He had observed both in silence that day back at the cells before he came to the conclusion that this man would not do anything to hurt her.

And it just so happens that Ida did not want him dead yet.

It was just as Ida had said to him — Levi had always respected her wishes, whether or not it was detrimental to her. If she wanted to die or do something reckless, he would let her go if it meant victory for humanity.

And that… that was something that Seth would never accept.

"I need her," Seth stated calmly, watching his expression flickered. "So, tell me, Ackerman. What is she to you? You're a soldier before a man. Can you ensure that she'll be safe beside you?"

Silence enveloped them, but Levi's glare and ferocious scowl did not falter one bit.

With a rush of insight, Seth observed him pitifully, realizing that it wasn't that Levi didn't want to answer, he couldn't. "If you can't even answer that question… then don't interfere between us."

He watched as Levi's murderous expression slowly faded and for once, he down casted his gaze, ending his glare.

"Tch. I understand your sentiments..."

For a moment, a shimmer of hope spawned in Seth's eyes — did he finally understand what he was intending to say?

"However…"

The shimmer of hope soon evaporated as Levi's changed his hands positioning and his fingers were instantly wrapped around his neck in a vice-like grip, lifting the taller man to the air with ease. Seth choked as he tried to wrench his fingers off him.

Levi's haunting gray eyes glinted sadistically, satisfied at how he was writhing. He spoke slowly, his every calm word coated with a lethal poison, "You do not make decisions for her and this is no fucking way to your superior. It was bold of you to approach me."

"You c — can't protect her," Seth hissed stubbornly through a series of wheezes, not yielding.

"I'll do a better job than you," Levi growled with rage anchoring his tone. "And don't you dare presume to know a damn thing about my feelings for her."

He released his grip and Seth was sent crumbling to the ground, wheezing for air. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, you dog."

Seth gritted his teeth and looked up.

"My relationship with Ida is not for disgusting filth like you to fucking comment." Levi spat, towering him now that Seth was on the ground. He glowered at him superciliously, smirking — he could read every thought of his.

The stinking bastard was far too inexperienced if he thought he could manipulate someone like him.

"You're from the Underground as well. Use whatever meager fucking intelligence you have and think — your life depends on it. Did you really think for a second that Ida's protection of you works around me?"

Seth did not reply but instead settled on hatefully glaring at him.

"Pathetic." Levi scoffed with unbridled contempt, knowing he had hit right on the nail.

He squatted down next to him so that they were on eye-level and smirked. Leaning in, Levi hissed directly next to his ear. "The next time you cross me, or if you even hurt her in any way — I'll wipe your pathetic existence. This is my last warning, Fischer. It's been a long time since I slit someone's throat so there's no guarantee that it would be painless."

"Are you so arrogant that you dismiss everyone's words but your own?! You can't protect her!" Seth shouted angrily. "You could've easily removed me from the legion, thorn that I am on your side! Yet you chose to interrogate me for no other reason than your own insecurity — why not focus on your fucking efforts on keeping Ida safe and removing her from the legion?!"

Levi was just about to launch a kick right to his face when he heard the familiar beat of Ida's hurried footsteps approaching.

"What are you two doing?"

The surge of relief that followed surprised even him and Levi whirled around. Ida was holding a couple of heavy books. They made eye contact before her gaze averted to the brunette on the floor, noting his messy collar.

"Fischer, get up," Ida instructed firmly, avoiding Levi so pointedly, she might as well have been glaring at him. "I told you to find Hanji for me, not to spar with your Captain."

The muscles in Seth's jaw exercised and he pushed himself off the floor wordlessly. Ida shoved the pile of heavy books to him. "Go to the archive rooms and wait for me there."

"Ida—"

"Fischer." The name came out gently but firmly. This was an order, and she knew that Seth could not say no.

Seth looked like he was about to protest, but he faltered and begrudgingly moved away, leaving the two together.

A terrible silence ensued as they stared at each other. Levi thought that she had grown skinner and her green eyes were more dead-like. Fragmented, Levi's brows creased into a frown. What was he to say now?

She made a movement to leave, but he grabbed her arm. "Let's talk."

Ida shrugged his grip off her. "I've already drafted a report for you and Erwin to look through later, sir. Anything else can be discussed at the next meeting."

Levi placed himself in front of her, blocking her path. She glared at him, but Levi looked irritatingly calm when he crossed his arms. "Did you even have lunch yet? Or are you purely sustaining on those damned sweets?"

"Why does it matter to you?" Ida snapped coldly. "Leave me alone."

Levi grabbed and spun her around. "What do you want—"

"Let's go to town," Levi interrupted her in a matter-of-fact tone. "We'll have lunch there."

Her eyes went round. She questioned the verity of the reality she was in. Were her ears playing with her? Maybe after spending the past week tolerating Hanji's obnoxious shrieks had hampered her hearing abilities, because if she wasn't mistaken, Levi was asking her out for lunch.

Ida silently wondered if she was going crazy. Maybe Hanji's insanity had rubbed off her after spending so much time with that lunatic.

Levi's face crumpled into a scowl at her hesitance. "Hurry up, I don't have all day."

"Like alone?" she asked, still held captive by disbelief.

"No, we'll be accompanied with a hoard of fucking Titans," came Levi's annoyed sarcastic jibe. What was taking Ida so long? The faster he got her away from that bastard, the better.

She crossed her arms and jutted her chin up. "Why should I?"

Levi stared at her, frowning. His tone gave no indication of his emotions when he replied, "You said you wanted to talk."

"I decided I don't want to anymore." Ida retorted with a steel edge and swiftly broke her eye contact. "There's nothing left for us to say, you've made your sentiments quite clear, sir."

Levi lifted a questioning brow. "Have I?"

Hostility embedded in her eyes. "Yes," Ida stated coldly, miffed by his indifference. "I assumed so when days passed without hearing from you."

"I was away from the headquarters," Levi explained, and Ida looked confused. He figured that she wasn't aware of this fact. "Went to deal with the fat pigs at Wall Sina."

Still spitefully stubborn, Ida grimaced and decided she shouldn't relent so easily even if he had a reasonable explanation. "Still, I don't want to talk to you. Your presence annoys me."

His eyes gazed at her figure with suppressed indignation milling in them, and his voice hardened. "So, you prefer to be around that scarred face bastard? I heard you even asked him to fill in the role of shitty glasses' assistant."

Ida bristled at the sharpness of her accusation. Was this the reason why he was so annoyed? Because he was jealous again? Her lips thinned. "Yes, I did, and you should get going, sir. Fischer is a much better help than you and I much prefer his presence than yours."

Intensity blared in his eyes at her remark. Levi allowed his heated gaze to fall on her for a few seconds before softening his grim expression. He managed to suppress his anger — but only slightly. "Are you coming or not?"

"No," she found herself uttering bravely. "I'm busy."

"Busy getting cozy with a bastard who killed your family."

The moment those words left Levi's lips, he regretted it. He tried to take it back, but the anger in Ida's eyes ignited and she beat him to it. "You seem to have an issue with Fischer, sir — and yes, he might have done some despicable things but at the moment, he is the only tie to Jaron Starke we have left—"

"Because you killed Rena out of anger," Levi reminded her with a sharp edge.

She gritted her teeth. "Please put aside your personal feelings aside, Captain. It's beneath you."

His anger rose with every word she said. "Tch. You're doing this intentionally."

"Perhaps I am," she admitted frostily. "But you are my Captain and you have no right to interfere in my personal life. Stop taking out your frustration on Fischer."

"Fine, go and run to him then," Levi was so lost in a sudden feeling of resentment that he did not care about his harsh tone. "But know one thing, Starke — whatever happens, don't come crying to me. I have better things to do than to listen to the misfortunes of a whiny, disobedient brat."

Ida leveled a serious glare in his direction. "He won't betray us."

"So you're even defending him now?" Levi snapped. "Didn't you say you'll kill him yourself? Or are you truly holding affections for him? I've told you before Starke, do not let your emotions prevent you from doing your duty."

She regarded him with an air of disappointment and made a quick movement to leave. "You can think what you want, sir."

The sight of her leaving felt like a splash of icy water on his red-hot anger. Levi was suddenly reminded that he had come to make amends with her, not to spark another argument. Fuck, he had let his temper get the better of him again.

He groaned inwardly and moved to stop her. "Ida—"

"Stop it!" she cried when he tried to hold her back again. She spun around to face him, her eyes were holding a large amount of pain as they swam in lighter tears forming, threatening to spill over. "Is this a game to you?"

Levi was expecting her to be angry after he had insensitively said, but he wasn't expecting her to look so hurt — as if he had just trampled her heart into the ground.

He stared at her with emotionless eyes that were demanding an explanation. Anger revved through her and Ida exploded. "Stop this — stop playing with my feelings! One moment you are avoiding me, the next you want to talk and for what?! Because you're jealous of Seth?! If you don't want to be with me, then stop playing with my feelings! Stop giving me false hope that we could be something more! Are you just doing all of this because you're jealous?! We are nothing now, right?! Just like what you fucking wanted! Superior and subordinate and that's fucking it!"

A part of his mind caught onto a possible underlying meaning to her words, and he should've explained himself that it wasn't the case, but such a thing was completely lost in the whirling of emotion that comes next, clutching his insides in vigor at her declaration; 'they were nothing more than superior and subordinate now.'

It was exactly what Levi had wanted in the past.

He was the writer of his own tragedy.

It was like the flip of a switch, a sudden twisting of a lever inside his being. Levi Ackerman did not know the name for what hit him next, but the emotion overwhelming him was power and alien that he didn't know how to handle it — all he knew was that it hurt, deeply.

Like an automatic response, his body automatically shuts itself down. All at once, all his anger and jealousy vanished into thin air and he was left with nothing more than a desolate shell in his chest.

He could feel his features solidify themselves into an apathetic expression as he watched her glare at him hatefully. She looked so hurt that his heart hitched momentarily at the sight.

Ida bit her lip at his silence, and she broke her eyes away from him. She turned her heel and left the area, but just before she escaped through the corner of the hallway, Levi caught the sound of another single poorly controlled sob.

Only when she was finally out of his sight, and only when he was completely alone with his thoughts was Levi painfully conscious of what happened. Alone, he felt like he was losing his sanity again. A lone single, somber thought sat alone in his mind.

He hurt her.

The sensation suddenly rushed back to his body and every single buried emotion came rushing in. But Levi was only aware of the deep, coldness of regret gripping him and holding him prisoner.

"Fuck..." he cursed into the silence that was his only witness to his unexplainable anguish.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Seth Fischer bit his thumb in the archives room. He clenched his teeth, thinking back to the confrontation with the despicable Levi Ackerman — he should've gotten him to hit him earlier, he knew that Levi was this close to cracking. That way Ida could've seen what type of person he was.

Shit, that was an opportunity he missed.

He heard the door open and Ida walked in. His brows furrowed when he saw how pale she looked, her eyes were glassy and red, almost as if she had just cried.

"Ida?"

She did not reply to him. The confusion that was present on Seth's countenance vanquished. Her tear-stricken features arrested his interest, it was enough to bring him back to life — with full force.

"What happened?" He stood up and rushed to her.

Ida did not reply again, but she pushed the documents that she was holding to his chest.

"What's this?" he asked, peering at the documents she handed to him. He stared at the contents in complete incredulity, not believing what he was seeing. He flipped the document, revealing another set of contents that completely baffled him.

"Ida, what the fuck is this?" Seth demanded hotly, waving the documents in her face.

"Details of your resignation. I've taken the liberty of filling out your name on it — all I need is your signature," Ida explained calmly. Her eyes were so dead like that one might even suspect that her soul had left. "The other document is your employment contract for you to work at one of the Starke's estates. I'm hiring you, so it's not like you have nowhere else to go."

"No," Seth snarled angrily. "I'll not leave you."

"Do you know what the punishment for insubordination under the military law is?" Ida said, holding his indignant gaze with an aggravating calm. "Or worse, for mutiny against your superior? You would've been hung for treason. You don't belong here, Fischer. That much is clear to me."

"You can't get me to leave," Seth countered, his eyes narrowing. "You've said it before, all resignation must be approved by the Commander."

Ida let out a weary scoff and looked away. "Then you happened to forget who I am. Choose, resign with dignity, or I'll drag you out."

Bitterness and anger multiplied within him and before he knew it, Seth had broken the promise with himself to never touch the topic about their Captain with her.

"You just don't want me around that bastard," Seth accused coldly. "He asked you to do this, didn't he?"

Ida's eyes flickered and she looked at him now. "No. I thought it was best you leave when I saw how you were openly taunting him. Not only that, but you were also trying to convince him to force me to resign. I heard what you said."

As he had expected, the topic had stirred a violent reaction from her. But Seth didn't care, he was too hurt and frustrated to care. Seeing an enraged Ida was better than seeing her as a living corpse; at least it reminded him that she was still alive.

"He said something to you, didn't he?" He grabbed onto her wrist, forcing her to look at his eyes, but Ida only moved weakly at his movements, too worn out from the inner turmoil raging within her. "Why else would you look like you've been crying—"

"No," she denied, her voice unyielding yet frayed. "It's nothing."

"How can it be nothing?!" Seth screamed in acrimony, grabbing onto her shoulders. He hissed exasperatedly when Ida did not even look at him. "Why do you look like that then?!"

She closed her eyes. Seth had been so cautious around her the past few days, Ida had thought he would've understood why she was staying in the legion eventually, but he didn't.

Gods, why won't everyone just leave her alone? Ida was sick and tired of fighting with Levi, and now she had to deal with Seth too. She was tired of fighting and she was tired of thinking.

What was she thinking in the first place? Why did she ask Seth to be Hanji's assistant? It was such a misstep, a decision that she made in a heat of spiteful anger. And look where it had gotten her. Another fight with Levi. They were even further apart from each other now.

Seth hissed exasperatedly when Ida did not even look at him, her eyes hollow as she stared blankly into nothing. It was at her appearance did he finally decide that he couldn't stand it. "Fine, you want me to leave? Then leave with me, we'll resign together."

He wanted to drag her to the administration office, but Ida finally found her strength.

"No." Ida resisted, ripping her hand from his grip. "I'm not leaving the Survey Corps."

"Why not?!" Seth demanded with a snarl. "You've said it yourself! Your father is Erwin Smith! He's the Commander! If you asked, I'm sure that he would allow you to resign! Why do you torture yourself like this?!"

"He would never allow me to resign," Ida deadpanned, and she moved away from him, heading to the door. "Not that I ever would. I have a duty to fulfill."

Seth gripped her shoulders and pivoted her around again to face him. "I don't understand, Ida!"

"Yeah, you clearly don't," she answered softly. "I thought that you would sooner or later, but weeks have passed, and you don't understand still."

His anger inflamed even further at her declaration. Seth had just about had enough with people telling him he didn't understand.

What was up with all these soldiers from the Survey Corps? How could a father not allow his daughter to resign and constantly put her in danger? How could the man that she loved ignore her after he left her to die? Why was everyone so repugnantly selfish, when he saw that Ida had placed nothing but them over her own wellbeing?

No.

Seth didn't even bother to understand for he had long decided that he couldn't accept any explanation.

"Why won't you leave! The people here don't care for you, they won't prioritize you!" Seth screamed to her face. Ida did not even flinch at his outburst. "I won't accept this, you will die sooner or later at this rate!"

"And so, I shall," said Ida firmly, unblinking. "One day, everyone dies."

This struck another chord with Seth's anger. He hated it; absolutely detested the way that Ida placed so little care of her life. All he ever wanted was for her to live, and it was exactly why he took personal offense at Ida's bland acceptance of the prospect of her death.

He had done so much for her, he had murdered two children he genuinely cared about in order to keep her safe. Though twisted, Seth had saved her time and time again because he prioritized her above everything else — the sole person he cared about on the face of the planet.

And so, even if Ida did not return his affections, Seth was determined to at least see her safe and happy. He resentfully recalled how Ida had once told him that he didn't know how to love and that she felt sorry for him — but if this was not love, then what was?

Love was always meant to be selfish.

It was not him who was wrong, it was Ida who had it wrong.

Such selfless love ceased to exist in a world like theirs.

"So you're saying that you don't care if you die?!" he growled, his red-hot fury growing by the second.

"I have a duty to fulfill," she reiterated her previous point. "This is the burden of my title."

He took a step back from her, regarding her with hard eyes infused with contempt. "You can't leave him," he snarled accusingly.

"No. I can't." Ida agreed without any hesitation.

"I asked him what he is to you," Seth spat viciously. "He couldn't even answer me! And you still insist on staying in such a dangerous profession?! You will—"

"I don't care," she interrupted him coolly.

"You will die, Ida Starke." His lethal words spilled out through gritted teeth, stressing on every syllabus. He wanted her to understand the repercussions of her actions.

She regarded him with a weary smile, her eyes fluttering shut. "And so be it."

"I won't let you die," Seth growled insistently, unable to contain his anger any longer. "I won't let you do this to yourself! All I want is for you to be safe!"

"I don't care about that either," she said, her movements were sluggish as she once again tried to head for the door. "If I die, what does it matter to you? Just let me die when the time comes. I don't want to explain my reasons, you won't understand."

Seth wasn't thinking when he let out his boiling antipathy; all he knew was that he couldn't listen to her talk anymore. All he had endured protecting her life amounted to nothing if Ida had so easily resigned herself to die.

No, he would never allow it.

Because if she were to die, then he would've lost the justification of his sins.

He grabbed her and threw her to the wall. Her back hit the wall and she groaned in pain; Ida was about to persist in another retort to get him to leave her alone when a dynamic force choked her before she could.

Seth's hands curled threateningly around her neck, roughly pushing her to the wall. His blood hummed in his veins as malicious anger took over. It was his right. After all that he had done for her, if she wanted to die, it'll be by his hands.

Like a rubber band pulled to its limits, Seth finally snapped.

"If you want to die that fucking badly, then I'll just end you right here!" Seth bellowed as Ida wheezed and gasped, clutching on his hands that were gripping on her neck and choking the air from her. "Say it! Say that you want to live!"

Ida could've used her years of diverse techniques to get out that chokehold. She could've used her superior strength from her Starke bloodline to disarm him. But Ida didn't. Her green eyes could hardly believe the sad reality.

Any other day, she would've his head for daring to lay his hands on her. It was clear to both that she was the stronger one, but Ida was different today.

Even under the tortuous grip, Ida managed a weak smile. "J — Just do it then."

Seth felt whatever was left of his sanity splinter even further. "I won't watch you die, Ida!"

"T — Then kill me."

His grip clenched around her neck. The emotions mounting in his own hazel eyes were indicative of the fact that he never once dreamed that they would find themselves in such a pitiful state.

Why?

Why the hell was it so hard for her to say that she wanted to live?

He could've given her everything; he would've sacrificed everything for her. All Ida needed to do was ask. Seth truly didn't care if Ida chose to stay by that man's side; it hurt, but nothing hurts more than hearing the person that you love resigned themselves so easily to death.

Another pained cough erupted from her and a heavy sobriety pulled his mind and heart to an abrupt still. Ida's face was almost purple now. Anymore and she would die—

Wait.

No, what the hell was he doing? How could he possibly kill someone he wanted to protect?

At that heart-wrenching revelation, Seth gasped and released his grip on her neck. Ida fell to the ground, coughing. His hand was trembling violently, amidst the fury in his eyes, fear had now inundated it.

What the hell had he done? He had allowed himself to… hurt her.

Ida touched her neck with quivering fingers. Fear and regret forced him to move.

"Ida!" he said urgently, kneeling beside her. He brought a hand up to her shoulder. "I — Ida, I—"

"Do NOT—" she shrieked, surprising Seth that she even had the strength to muster out a loud sentence so acidic, that it caused his heart to come to a standstill.

Ida's hand hovered around her neck and she snapped her tears-stricken eyes to him, punishing him with just a single hateful look. "Do not touch me, you damned bastard, do not—"

"Ida," Seth's voice was strained but gentle. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to—"

"Do not touch me," she reiterated again. The degree of hatred on her face was enough for him to repress a shudder. "That was your one and only chance of ever killing me; the debt that I owe you for saving my life is gone now. I've paid for it. You no longer have control over me."

A rush of insight washed over him. The only reason why she was living the life she had now was that he had done the unthinkable; he killed two children in exchange for her freedom.

As distasteful as it was, he had saved her, twice. And perhaps that was why Ida felt she owed him that — but with this twisted finality act, she had finally paid the debt.

He had once given her life, and she offered it back to him. Ida had returned the favor.

From now on, her life was hers to live. To live or die, it was all up to her.

"Ida—"

"Fuck off!" she screamed, tears streaming down her face.

He fell silent, his hands outstretched as if he was holding her from a distance. The painful silence filling the space between them grew heavy and suffocating; Ida tried to breathe as best as she could, trying to calm herself down, but it was futile.

"...I'm sorry…" Seth apologized softly. "Truly, Ida… I never meant to hurt you."

He stood up, and after several seconds of shuffling around, he turned and left.

"When selfish people like you love, you keep that close to you in an effort to protect it, so that it'll never disappear. It's self-centered and there's only enough to fill your own neediness."

Seth was at an empty hallway when Ida's words from the past rang in his mind, punishing him and corrupting his soul. His fist collided with the wall. Regret and hatred all sat like a package in his stomach.

He felt hot tears streaming down his face and his heart twisted in protest, but Seth only closed his eyes and allowed every emotion to run free and wreak havoc within him. He deserved this agony.

Ida was right after all.

She was her own person with her own choices. How stupid of him to think otherwise. His love was misplaced all along. Perhaps, deep down in the well of his subconsciousness, he just didn't want to be alone, because having someone else in his life to protect made him feel better about his miserable life.

The only reason why he was so adamant about keeping her alive was because it filled his own neediness — he needed her alive to justify the horrible things he had done.

Indeed, it was a disgusting self-centered act; an act that was definitely not love.

He chuckled miserably, the octaves of his laugh growing louder as tears escaped his eyes. Seth laughed at how pathetic he was. He laughed at the mockery that he made himself to be. He laughed at how foolish he was.

He did not love her.

Because even someone as impossibly selfish like him knew that you don't destroy the people you love.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

He didn't know how much time had passed as he stood hallway, unmoving.

Time was a strange concept to him. All Levi could picture was her pained expression and the clear glaring fact that he hurt her. Back and forth, he entered a vicious battle with himself, between this mind and his heart, the risk, and the gains.

This was his curse; to want what he could not have.

There were no excuses for Levi to make, no way to justify his actions. Ida so far away from him now — he had pushed her away — and to tarnish her with his transgressions would be yet another sin.

How could he do that to her? Hadn't he maimed her enough? All that he could do whenever he tried interacting with her was to hurt her even more. It was his fault. He had allowed his jealousy to cloud his judgment again. Of course, Ida would've misunderstood.

Shit. He needed to apologize, to explain to her.

With that decision set, he finally felt his body move and he went to look for her.

His heart was palpitating furiously and the throbbing pain in his chest now intensified to the point where he could barely breathe. It was although this anguish was an incurable illness. The terrible longing never left no matter how hard Levi tried to stifle it.

He reached the archive room and entered it slowly. He frowned when he saw her seated on the floor, backed up against the wall as she hid her face behind her knees, hugging it tightly as if it was a form of protection.

He walked towards her in trepidation. For a brief moment, Levi considered her self-deprecating profile. Ida didn't seem to notice him for she didn't even make any move to acknowledge him.

However, he had spoken too soon for just as he was about to part his lips to speak, Ida opened hers.

"I fucking told you, Fischer — do not touch me," she ordered in a voice so chilling and dire, Levi was taken aback by the amount of hatred injected into it.

Fischer?

His brows creased at the sound of that name, his visage contorting into a scowl that displayed his disgust.

His apprehension seemed to have been picked up by Ida, for finally, she lifted her head to meet with her visitor. Her green eyes grew wide — a momentary shock — before it narrowed down to normalcy again. This small reaction was enough for Levi to tell that she did not expect him to be there or even to look for her.

A stifling silence shrouded them as the pair stared at each other, neither one moving or speaking. Levi was the first to get impatient, unable to withstand her red eyes that told a tale of a recent outburst of tears.

He outstretched his hand in front of her, keeping his expression heavily guarded. "Get up."

Instead of grabbing his hand as he had expected, Ida slowly pieced together her apathetic dissemble and forced herself off the floor.

When Levi realized she had no intention of talking to him, he exhaled sharply. "Ida, let's just fucking talk. About what happened—"

Levi cut himself off when his eyes snagged on the red marks on her slender neck; an imprint of someone else's fingers. With urgency, he moved forward and grabbed her shoulder. A small gasp escaped her.

"Who did that to you?" he demanded immediately, not hiding his fury that suddenly invaded his vision and colored it red.

Her green eyes widened and instinctively, Ida clasped her neck. This gesture told him she knew exactly what he was talking about. A steel edge lined his jaw. His mind instantly ran through a list of people who were the potential culprits.

The woman in question that got hurt was none other than Ida Starke, and it was exactly why Levi found it so disturbing. The fiery hot-headed woman was capable of defending herself, which could only mean that she allowed it to happen, or she was too affected by their previous argument to even fight back.

Either scenario was possible… or perhaps it was even both.

But who in the Survey Corps would dare to lay their fucking hands on her? Her reputation was infamous, her temper volatile, and her personality edgy and unwelcoming.

Just as that conclusion was struck, an icy, fatal fury engulfed him and poisoned him. Levi didn't even need to think even further to know who the culprit was.

I'll fucking kill him, he promised silently with vengeance. That scum face bastard, I'll—

"It's nothing..." she said softly with a sad smile, intruding his hideous thoughts. "Just… a debt that I owed..."

Momentarily, Levi felt his anger being chased away upon witnessing her smile. Yes, that was a smile that could end wars — a smile that could calm even the most destructive turmoil within him.

She looked away. "Don't worry, I won't come running to you in tears like a whiny, disobedient brat, you have better things to do… This is my own problem I've created for myself..."

Pensively, Levi grabbed her wrist, slowly guiding her hands that were shielding her neck. "You know I didn't mean that."

She scoffed wearily. "Are you apologizing now?"

"Yes."

She met his gaze and a silence ensued. The times she and Levi were on the same wavelength were few and far in between. When they happened though, words were wasted effort. They knew what each other were thinking. Now as she stared at him, and even though his face showed nothing, she could read his eyes.

I'm sorry, they said. I didn't mean what I said.

But Ida didn't need his apology, she knew from the beginning that Levi would never intentionally hurt her. That despite it all, he still cared for her. It was why Ida could never, ever truly hate him.

"You always did have a shit temper and a razor tongue to match..." she murmured softly.

Levi ignored her comments and instead, focused on the marks on her neck. "You should see the medic," he said sedately.

Ida scoffed softly at his remark and her lips curled into another small smile. Her eyes stared at the floor, hollow and empty.

"Who did it?" Levi demanded again; his voice strained from suppressed anger. When she didn't reply, his impatience grew, and his tone developed a sharp edge. "Ida Starke, I'm asking you, who—"

"Have you heard of a debt that you could never pay...?

He visage contorted and his concern for her magnified. When he didn't reply, Ida continued sombrely. "When I found out that they were killed as hostages… and that their blood, their life… were the only things that allowed me to live free from Jaron Starke, even if it was for a little bit… I had obtained a debt that I could never pay... Because I knew that if I was captured then… Jaron would've probably forced me to inherit my mother's Titan, or worse… I'd probably be dead before I even met you..."

Levi paused. That was when it all aligned for him. A resolve unlike any other filled his eyes — he'll kill him if it was the last thing he did.

"...This is my debt, Levi. The debt that I owed, which is why I kept him alive and I cannot kill him. Because I knew inherently, I couldn't blame it all on him. I pitied him… I knew it destroyed him too when he killed those children to save me... Which is why he is so obsessed with keeping me alive… My existence itself was a sin. It was me, and it was just me… and it was all my fault..."

"Nothing," Levi grimaced, holding in an emission of anger. "And absolutely nothing is your fault."

He could hear the anguish in her voice and Levi saw the painful past in her eyes when she looked at him again. "But it is."

Once again, his emotions turned jagged and his insides churned. "Go to my office, I'll get the medic."

"It's nothing serious."

"Go to my office, Ida." Levi reiterated firmly, his tone leaving no rooms for protests.

"No," she refused with an unwavering conviction unlike any other. "This toxic relationship between us, it has to stop. It isn't healthy, Levi... Me taunting you to make you jealous, you acting up over my stupid actions… It isn't healthy, and it was immature of me. I'm sorry. And you were right, before anything, we're soldiers… and we cannot afford to think about messy things like this in the middle of a war. It's about time we behave like adults and end this. For both of our sakes, for our duties, for our sanity, for humanity… we need to end this."

He could see it in her eyes as she spoke: Ida was mentally exhausted from their complicated relationship, and she wanted nothing more than to end it.

Levi did not stop her when Ida moved to the exit and closed the door behind her without another word. Closed the door without any hesitation as though he still wasn't there, wanting to speak to her.

For once, Ida was the rational one between the two of them, and at this startling revelation did Levi finally acknowledge that he had truly lost her.

He truly, truly lost her.

All at once, his heart felt as if his blood had become tar as it struggled to keep a steady beat. Levi's head swam with half-formed regrets which he had to forcibly suppress — this was what he wanted in the beginning, wasn't it?

There were no more chances for him to take.

This was a good thing too.

So why was there an insatiable fire that burnt all the oxygen in his body, leaving him listless and so, so frightening empty?

Levi inhaled and exhaled deeply, unable to come to terms with all sudden influx of emotions. So, Levi did what he had trained himself to do for years; he switched everything off.

All the pain, all the agony, all the rage, he switched it off and plastered a cold, bored, stoic disassemble on his features as if he was not bothered by the misgivings of the world. His rampant emotions would be controlled once more.

This was his method of shutting down and it had always worked for him.

He was the unbreakable; the strongest; the fearless. He knew how to manipulate the workings of his heart — surely by now, his heart was too ruthless to break.

Levi forced himself to go to his office to tend to those pesky reports. All those persisting and annoying emotions that drove him so far out of himself no longer hindered him.

But as he passed by the crowded mess hall of the Survey Corps en-route to his office, his eyes fell upon a certain brown-haired man seated with the rest of his squad. Seth looked despondent, and he didn't even partake in the conversation with the younger teenagers around him. Instead, he nursed his cup of tea somberly. Levi saw that the skin of his knuckles was torn.

His fist curled.

Fucking bastard. What gives him the damn rights to look like that?

How dare he… how dare he lay his hands on her.

Levi's form exuded an animosity that was like acid. He glared at an unsuspecting male from the open door.

A misstep and a malevolent decision was made before Levi could even reign himself in. But at this point, he wasn't even sure he wanted to control himself. He was so damned tired, so damned pissed at the world, and most importantly, he was beyond livid at how he dared to lay his hands on her.

Every single suppressed emotion erupted within him as he stormed towards him with malicious intent.

Levi's need for revenge was like an abscess on the skin of the soul. Festering like a septic wound, and the only effective antibiotic was cold hard revenge.

Savage.

Spiteful.

And completely lustful for blood.

His acidic gaze pierced on his target — his outlet to vent. Levi stormed to the table filled with his unaware subordinates.

"Captain?" he heard Eren echo in confusion at his sudden appearance.

Levi made no other move other than to grab Seth by the collar, hoisted him up, and swung his fist, punching him in the face with such immense force, that the impact reverberated through the mess hall.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

"OH MY GOD!"

"WHOA—"

Every soldier in the mess hall exclaimed in surprise and stood up at the sudden assault happening. Levi scowled when Seth fell to the ground, hand to his face in complete shock.

"C — Captain!" Armin stuttered, horrified. "What are you doing?!"

Seth spat out the blood that was collected in his mouth. The pain jolted throughout his body. Levi did not even give him time to process and grabbed him by the collar again, dragging him up.

"I warned you before," he snarled maliciously, inundated by so much bloodlust he could hardly even contain it. He swung a fist to his face and Seth crashed to the ground. "I will kill you if you hurt her."

Seth inhaled deeply, touching his assaulted cheek. His mind was spinning. However, he made no attempt to fight back, whether it was because he thought he deserved it or not, Levi didn't care.

He was out for blood.

"I know you're angry," Seth said hoarsely, agony teeming on his face. "I deserved that punch. I snapped. But it won't happen—"

Seth didn't even get to finish his sentence when Levi swiped a kick to his face and this time, he felt his world tip on a deadly axis.

"Captain!"

From Levi's peripheral vision he could see Jean rush forward, but he was too afraid to interfere. The malicious bloodlust was enough to deter him from approaching any further. In fact, no soldier in the mess hall had the guts to intercede the assault.

"You snapped?" Levi seethed, his anger building up by layers. A deep sadistic satisfaction rose within him as he watched Seth writhe on the ground in complete agony.

Without any rest, Levi kicked his victim's stomach with such force, that Seth slid across the mess hall.

Sasha panicked at the blood that Seth was coughing out. "He'll kill him!"

"Get Commander Erwin!"

"He's in the Capital for a meeting with Commander Doks!"

"Get Starke! Or Hanji-san!"

Panic ensued around him. But all of Levi's attention laid on the bastard who dared to lay his hands on the woman he cared about — he'll kill him if that was the last thing he would do. His mind was blank when Levi stormed towards his target and stomped on his stomach again.

Seth coughed and wheezed under the impact, which only darkened Levi's scowl. "You think you're some fucking big shit do you — you think swine like you even have the fucking rights to lay your hands on her?"

Levi lifted the battered man up by his collar again. "I warned you before," he growled lethally in a low scathing voice. "I'll wipe your pathetic existence if you hurt her again."

Moving on its own accord, his clenched fist flew, and he heard the satisfying crack of his knuckles on Seth's face. Levi was vaguely aware of the worrisome screams from the scouts around him, but he did not care — the hatred was too much for even someone like him to contain.

It was surprising how easily the 'Levi' from the Underground City emerged within him.

'When it comes to a shitty fight there's no honor, no code,' Kenny Ackerman would say during this one of his lectures on survival when he was just a child. 'All that fucking matters is the win, boy, remember that.'

And at that heated moment filled with vehement thoughts, Levi did remember. He wanted nothing more to win — this bastard did not deserve her.

He needed her?

What a fucking joke.

A hard-powerful stomp landed on Seth's leg, crushing the bones and breaking it.

"Just because she forgives a shitty bastard like yourself — that you're entitled to lay your filthy hands on her?"

Another hard, powerful stomp landed on Seth's stomach, fracturing the ribs.

He isn't even worth her kindness.

"You think that you can treat her like fucking trash because she's nice to you? That she's indebted you? Do you feel like a fucking man for treating her that way?"

He did not love her.

Again, and again, clouded by a searing hatred, Levi beat him, growing even more sadistically satisfied with every strike. With every grunt of pain that came from Seth, Levi was growing even more sadistic — how much he had wanted to do this since the very first day he laid his eyes on him.

Seth did not even have the strength to even take proper breaths to cry in pain now, reduced to nothing but a bloody heap of flesh on the floor. Levi felt something close to elation at his miserable state, he enjoyed every suffering he inflicted on him.

With every strike, a memory flashed through his head; the conflicted look on Ida's face as she confessed that she didn't want him dead, the veil of despair on her face when she explained how he slaughtered two children she cared about in order to save her, the hollowness in her eyes when she said she had paid her debt to him.

And finally, Levi remembered the red marks on her neck; imagined the way his disgusting fingers curled around her fragile neck, and Levi knew that he had to kill him.

He would beat him to death, and he wouldn't feel anything. Seth deserved it. He had killed men in the Underground City for lesser offenses. At that moment, the instinct of the cold-hearted murder was piloting him. Levi was not aware of anything else other than the sole of his boot meeting flesh.

He was so drunk on bloodlust, so hellbent on revenge. Levi needed an outlet to vent every single bottle-up emotion — the regret, the rage, the despair, the hurt.

His mind was completely blank.

"Levi! Oh my god! Stop— AH!"

He didn't know what had happened, all he knew was that his instincts told him somebody was approaching him to stop him midway. The latter part of his malicious mind took over. Before he could stop himself, he instinctively elbowed the would-be intruder before the person could even reach out to hold him back — nothing, and nothing would stop him.

Seth deserved to die.

Seth should die.

"Don't fucking interfere—"

"Ida-san!"

But then he heard her name. Heard someone shout for her worriedly.

And in an instant, everything stopped.

It was such a strange feeling — to feel his blood rushing through his veins only to freeze solid; to hear his strong heartbeat pumped with adrenaline come to screeching halt.

When Levi pivoted around and he saw what he did, Ida had already fallen on the ground, her scarlet hair strewn messily over her features as she cupped her cheek in complete shock. The rest of their squad had already surrounded her.

He hadn't meant for it to happen.

All the anger drained out of him and he moved towards her in concern, "Ida—"

"Levi, stop…" Ida pleaded, tilting her head up while still holding on her cheek. She was wearing a black scarf over her neck, a new addition to her outfit. "Please, stop this."

Levi was stopped in his tracks with a single look from her. The emotions that swarmed in her green eyes were enough to punish him instantly. Regret and pain colored her gaze and it killed him.

She moved her hand off her cheek, displaying a red mark that would certainly turn into a bruise. Levi could not take his gray eyes off it.

Hanji stormed into the mess hall in haste. "What happened?!"

She was horrified at the scene. Her eyes darted to the bloody figure on the floor, then to the staredown between the two soldiers and finally, on the red mark on Ida's cheek. Disbelief edged her.

"Are you okay?" Armin inquired softly as he helped Ida off the ground, but she did not respond to him.

Ida forced her spine straighter. "What are all of you doing?!" she shouted, addressing every frozen soldier in the mess hall. "Get Fischer to the infirmary now!"

There was a sudden flurry of movement as every soldier in the mess hall scrambled to follow her orders. Eren and the rest of her squad assisted with moving an unconscious bloodied Seth to the infirmary.

"Ida, are you okay?" Hanji approached her cautiously, throwing a wary glance towards Levi. She saw nothing but a bronze mask on his features.

Ida exhaled gustily. "You should dismiss everyone early for their winter solstice break."

Hanji sighed, shifting her glasses. "Yes, I suppose that is for the best as well. I'll handle it."

"I'll go to the infirmary to see things," Ida declared monotonously. "Please take care of things here, Hanji."

Hanji waited until the Ida left the mess hall, following Eren and the rest of her squad to the infirmary for urgent medical assistance, before she spoke again.

"What have you done, Levi...?" she murmured in a low voice filled with bottomless concern and anxiety. "What happened…?"

His mind was blank.

He had lost his barrier.

He had allowed his sanity to shatter.

Yes, what the hell had he done?

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"There would be some minor bruising, nothing some balm wouldn't cure in a few days."

She nodded absentmindedly to the doctor's words. Ida flinched at the coolness exerted from the medicine as he carefully dabbed the bruise on her cheek.

"Don't move."

Ida closed her eyes and obediently stayed still. In contrast to the calm exterior she was putting on, she found that her mind was filled with nothing but troubling thoughts.

She had never seen Levi act that way before.

Throughout her tenure under his command, there was not once that she saw him lose his composure to that extent. He looked like a different person. Hardly even recognizable. The reasoning behind his actions was clear to her. Levi had always been an intuitive man; it wouldn't take much for someone of his caliber to decipher who was responsible for the marks on her neck.

Ida should've known better. She knew that Levi would undoubtedly be angry, but she was too focused on wallowing in her own miserable state to see the signs. But never did she expect that he'll launch into an all-out assault in front of all the soldiers.

Indeed, this was all her fault.

Ida couldn't help but feel responsible and her guilt was magnified; she was the spark that lit that explosive bomb. The official repercussions of Levi's actions would be heavy. What was she thinking anyway? Taunting him and goading him like that? It was such an immature act from her.

A deep hatred for herself passed through her. Now that she thought about, Ida shouldn't even feel spiteful about him leaving her to begin with, nor could she hate him for rejecting her. She had no right. Levi was a free man, capable of making his own choices.

Again, she had failed to see the bigger picture.

Because wasn't what she was doing to Levi exactly what Seth was doing to her?

Levi wasn't obliged to stay with her, he owed her nothing. In fact, what was the difference between what Seth was doing to her anyway? Seth was obsessed with keeping her alive because she was living justification of his sins, and she was obsessed with keeping Levi by her side because he was her only tie to continue living for herself.

Because Levi was the source of her power, her will to continue fighting.

Ida felt ashamed when she thought of Levi's selfless love for her and his reasonings for leaving her in the first place. It wasn't like Ida wasn't aware of his affection and attachment to her, she knew what an honorable and caring person he was. But seeing the hazardous profession of their job, Levi just didn't want to hurt her.

It was all starting to align now and her features morphed in ominous realization.

Fuck, she really was the horrible person.

Who was she to hold such unreasonable expectations on Levi? He had a right to choose. But Ida was so blinded by her pain and her spiteful anger that she had completely forgotten that she wasn't the only one hurting.

What had she done? Levi had spent years earning the respect out of everyone, and that whole fiasco happened because of her. A stain in his pristine record and it was all her fault.

After the doctor was done, she thanked him and went to the bed where Seth now laid unconscious. She trailed her eyes through his thick bandages. The doctor had said that his injuries were severe and it was by the devil's luck that he lived.

Pained guilt teemed on her face. "This wasn't supposed to happen…" she murmured. "I'm sorry... Everything is my fault... You… should've never met me."

Ida ripped her eyes away from the badly beaten figure and made her way out of the infirmary. The Survey Corps headquarter was eerily silent by now. Everyone had left for their winter solstice break, whether it is to visit their families or take trips to town to meet their friends.

Alone, the peace comforted her.

"Ida." Hanji's voice intruded her thoughts, walking towards her.

"Have you settled everything?" Ida inquired sedately. "What about Eren and the rest?"

"Well, they are on edge. They wanted to know the reasoning behind the assault," she informed her with apprehension. "Mikasa pointed out that Seth was still under investigation, and perhaps his loyalty was called into question."

Ida silently wished that was the case as well. The official repercussions of Levi's actions would be severe if he had nothing to back it up. The Survey Corps was a branch of the military, they needed to abide by the rules as well and even Humanity's strongest was not exempted from it.

"Smart girl..." Ida remarked sullenly.

"But you and I both know that it's not because of that," Hanji said. "What happened?"

Ida contemplated letting Hanji know the truth, but she dismissed the idea. "Best you don't know, Hanji. Where are the kids now?"

Hanji looked as though she wasn't about to back down, but then she sighed, completely drained. "In their rooms. I managed to get Jean and Sasha to leave for their breaks."

"That's good their families are waiting for them."

She was just about to inquire about why the rest of her squad didn't leave the headquarters for their break, but she was reminded that only two members of her squad had families left alive. Her heart ached for them. Connie must've felt the blow the most at this moment, his only surviving family was an immobile Titan that couldn't even leave Ragako village.

Ida exhaled sharply, deciding that it was best to address the main troubling topic. "Where is he?"

"He shut himself in his office." A disturbed expression etched itself on Hanji's features. "Buried himself with reports after that."

As expected, Ida thought bitterly. "Best leave him be for now then."

"Are you okay?" Hanji asked and Ida did not miss the concern that anchored her tone.

She could feel her narrowed eyes giving her a once over. "I'm fine," Ida answered naturally. "It'll heal in a few days, nothing big."

"You know that's not what I'm asking."

Silence reigned after that with Ida stubbornly holding onto it. What did Hanji mean if she was okay? Ida felt like she was going insane — her guilt was like a rat gnawing at her soul, relentless and unceasing. She was barely holding herself together, and it was surprising that she was capable of calmly addressing this matter with her.

"I don't want to talk about it," Ida whispered, clasping a hand on Hanji's shoulder to assuage her concerns. "I'll handle the mess, don't worry. Go and rest."

Before Hanji could get another retort in, Ida whipped around and left. The chilly winter wind nibbled away any warmth left in her face when she left the headquarters building. She lingered fretfully at the entrance.

Desperate to distract herself from the threat of pneumonia, she wrapped her arms around herself when a whiff of cold night air brushed past her. She busied her mind with pondering on a solution to get Levi out of this mess that she had created for him.

She didn't know how much time had passed when finally, a carriage pulled up at the headquarters and Erwin stepped out.

"Ida," His thick eyebrows creased when he saw her standing in the cold. "I heard what happened from the messenger. It's late, why are you standing here?"

Ida was surprised how just the sight of him relieved her. Without thinking, she bridged the gap between them and wrapped her arms around him. Erwin froze at the sudden contact, clearly appalled by her sudden closeness and her uncharacteristic gesture.

"It's my fault," she heard herself saying dreadfully. "It's my fault, Erwin."

Ida felt his hand move and it laid it awkwardly on the top of her head. The gesture of affection was strange and awkward. Erwin was so much taller than her, but Ida didn't mind that. She felt at ease knowing that he was there — it comforted her, knowing that she still had someone else to rely on.

His warmth that contrasted with the cold night air reminded her that Erwin was the only member of her family that she had left.

"What's wrong?" Ida felt his chest rumble when he spoke. "Is it because of Levi—"

She pulled away from him. "No," she quickly denied. She wasn't sure that Erwin believed her because from the way he was staring at her, she could tell he was trying to detect any traces of lies from her expression. "I'm... probably going to Wall Sina for winter solstice with the kids, do you want to come?"

A rare look of surprise flickered on Erwin's taut features. "Unfortunately, I've made plans with Nile that I would head to his place. He's hosting a Longest Night gathering. Pixis and Zackley would be there, so it's discourteous for me not to attend."

Ida nodded numbly, masking her disappointment behind a stoic mask. "Next year then..."

Erwin lifted his hand to touch her cheek, but she edged away. "It's nothing big."

"It's unlike Levi to do something like this..." Erwin retracted his hand back. "Do you know what happened?"

Ida didn't know what to reply. She had never understood why any sort of romantic relationship between officers and subordinates were discouraged. But now she did. Not only did it complicate the entire situation, with both of their standing with the rest of the squad, but now that Ida thought about it, it was possible that Levi could even make a decision out in the field influenced by emotions rather than logic, picking her over what was best for humanity.

After all, Levi had lost himself in blind anger and assaulted a subordinate today because of her, didn't he?

Ida knew then that she represented everything against what Levi stood for. A hindrance to his duty, a deterrent to his dreams, and ultimately, a blockage to humanity's quest to freedom.

Because what does love matter when they are at war? Was it fair to say that their selfish love was worth thousands of human lives? Nothing was fair in love and war, not when she was just another nobody struggling to cope in a cruel world.

"Can you remove me from Levi's squad...?" Ida requested quietly. "I think… it's best if I have a squad of my own. If you don't trust me to lead one, I'll even join Hanji's squad."

Erwin considered her form with a confused look before it morphed into recognition. "I understand, but I'll need to talk to him first."

"Maybe tomorrow," Ida suggested, stopping him from leaving. "You know what he is like; he'll be more level-headed after some time."

She shrugged when she saw that Erwin's gaze was still fixated on her bruise. "I don't think he meant to hurt me," she said quietly. "It was foolish of me to charge towards him like that when he's in that state."

"Still," Erwin persisted. "It's not acceptable."

She stared at him with imploring eyes. "It's not his fault, it's mine. Can you just look past it?"

Erwin looked disturbed at her blatant defense of her Captain's actions. "This behavior cannot be tolerated in the Survey Corps."

"I know," Ida agreed sullenly. "But you can't suspend Humanity's strongest, so I'm telling you that you should drop it. We need him. There's no need to report this to Zackley either. Fischer was still under investigation; you could easily cover it up. In fact, I believe that Fischer shouldn't stay in the Survey Corps any longer. He doesn't fit in here; he doesn't understand us. I've made other arrangements for him already. All I need is your approval."

Erwin's expression contorted at her argument and his vivid blue eyes scanned hers. "Ida, I know you care for Levi, but he's getting out of control—"

"I do care for him." Ida interrupted. "Because I love him."

A stunned silence played at her declaration. The expression on Erwin's face as he digested the sentence bordered on hilarious — she had never seen him so uncomposed. It shifted from shock to understanding, and then to a dawning realization of its implications. Their eyes locked together, never breaking.

"Does he…"

"He knows," Ida coaxed a small sad smile. "But that's irrelevant for people like us, Erwin..."

Erwin's eyebrows crumpled at her remark and confusion rained on his face. "What's irrelevant?"

An imminent forlorn feeling settled at the bottom of her heart. "I've said it before, remember…?" she said, slowly turning around. "Love, attachment, and friendship — it's bothersome and a hassle. It's really nothing more but a saddening process… and all soldiers should not have these unnecessary feelings."

Because having emotions as a soldier in the middle of a war was enough to drive anyone insane.

And Ida couldn't let it happen, not to Levi Ackerman, not the perfect one, the strongest who shouldered the hope and dreams of their fallen comrades. She couldn't be that selfish anymore. Ida never wanted to be as selfish as Seth Fischer.

She had claimed she loved him, but perhaps she was the one who made this relationship toxic in the first place. Her love for him was demented and misplaced in the very beginning.

Levi was never hers and hers alone, and it wasn't like he didn't want to place her in his first priority, he couldn't. When this realization was met, Ida no longer felt hissing anger or sorrow, instead, she accepted it wholeheartedly and respected it.

As someone who had been by his side for so long, she should've known better.

They were soldiers before they were humans.

And duty is the death of love.

Levi belonged to humanity. He belonged to the ghost of their fallen comrades. He was the sun that shone the rays of hope and lifted the morals of their comrades. The stars of the night might have foretold their tragedy, but the true tragedy Ida felt, was that the sun and moon could never meet in the first place.

But it's beautiful, she thought sadly. Because the moon loved the sun so much, she'll die every day to let him shine throughout the day.

"And Erwin," Ida turned around with a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Don't worry about me, because no matter what happens, I know that I'll be sane alone."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

The door closed behind them softly with a loud click, granting the pair privacy for the tense conversation that would surely follow. The air is almost tangible, as thick as it is with magnitude.

Erwin gestured to the vacant chair in front of his office desk. "Take a seat."

Levi bitterly wondered why he still bothered with the formalities after all these years. He supposed the professionalism was ingrained deeply into him.

Erwin had a role to play, as did he.

He was the unflinching leader of the Survey Corps; the leader of monsters. Meanwhile, he was the right-hand man, Humanity's strongest. They were similar in that regard. First and foremost, they were dedicated to the roles they serve.

And Levi knew that for the first time ever, he had disregarded his role, and Erwin was here to remind him of it.

With that somber thought in mind, Levi compiled and sat down. He busied himself with staring out at the window, watching the morning sun stream into the office.

The atmosphere of the room was dreadful, cold and stiff. It wasn't like Levi was a stranger to being summoned to his office. He was often summoned in the past whenever complaints of his obsessive cleaning tendencies got too overbearing for Erwin to bear.

Erwin calmly took his seat behind his desk, analyzing the man before him who was looking around his office in complete boredom. Levi's features were heavily guarded and there was nothing he could read from it. He expelled a weary sigh after a few more beats of silence.

"I'm sure you know why you're summoned," Erwin started in a serious tone to which he showed so visible signs of responding. "Levi."

At his stern prompt, Levi grudgingly turned his attention toward him, unsurprised to his blue eyes fixated upon him, expression cool and emotionless.

Over the years, Levi was aware that Erwin's skill with keeping his face unreadable was as good as his own, but their relationship was formed on something deeper than just a soldier and commander. At times like this, Levi knew exactly what was going on in that genius head of his.

"Because we are over-budget again," Levi offered sarcastically. "Or perhaps you wanted to discuss the impressive pile of shit you shat this morning."

"Levi, it was brought to my attention that an incident occurred yesterday," Erwin said in a sedate voice, taking in his form. "An incident which left one of our well-bodied soldiers half-dead."

Levi appraised him with a neutral expression but his gray eyes narrowed. "And?"

"Would you care to explain yourself?" Erwin clarified with a measured tone.

"What the fuck for?" Levi replied curtly with a dark scowl, dropping all courtesies. "You already know what happened, there's nothing more to say."

"I want to hear about the situation and the reasoning behind your actions from you," Erwin deadpanned, unfazed by the underlying anger attached to Levi's every word.

"You already know what happened," Levi reiterated. "And Erwin, you do know I don't appreciate wasting my time on senseless explanations like this. If you got something to say, then get on with it."

Erwin's eyes sharpened slightly. "I'm not here to argue with you, Levi."

At this, Levi met his blue eyes lazily with a steady stoic look. One look at the defiance swarming in his gray eyes and Erwin knew that he had to slowly ease the information out of him. "Regardless of your reasons, currently I have a perfectly well-bodied soldier who is now receiving urgent medical attention for a broken leg, fractured ribs, and possible internal bleeding because you felt the need to enact physical action on your subordinates instead of informing me and going through the proper protocol."

"That useless bastard's loyalty is still under questioned," Levi pointed out with a sharp edge.

Erwin's face darkened and Levi could tell that he did not appreciate the input. "That is for me to decide, Levi. And for that matter — over the past month, Fischer has done nothing that warrants suspicion and has actively contributed as a member of the Survey Corps. Do correct me if I'm wrong."

"Tch." Levi grimaced, averting his eyes away begrudgingly.

Erwin took his silence as his affirmation. "I had planned to officially accept him into our ranks, but Fischer is now unfit for battle, months away from our official operation to retake Wall Maria." Though his voice was calm, there was a twinge of something that bordered on exasperation lingering in his syllabus. "...And from what I have gathered… Ida got injured as well trying to stop you."

A sting erupted in his chest at the mention of that name, but it passed as quickly as it came. Levi would not allow himself to dwell in it. He kept his face carefully guarded, realizing the real reason why Erwin seemed so upset over this.

"You might hold a great deal of authority, but that does not permit you to exert physical action against our subordinates. You know as well as I do that this is unprofessional, unacceptable, and it goes against the military law. Not to mention this incident happened in front of almost every single Survey Corps scout. If I were to allow this behavior to—"

"And so you have to issue out an official punishment," Levi interjected, having heard enough of Erwin's speech about decorum in the military.

There was no condemnation in Levi's tone, only a blunt acceptance, and an obvious impatience to get over and done with it. He was aware of the official repercussion of his actions and he didn't need Erwin to remind him of it.

Erwin's eyebrows creased. "Yes," he stated flatly. "Therefore, I'd need a recount of your statement."

At this point, Levi almost regretted not killing Seth back then. He should've hit him harder.

"Tch." Levi scoffed in disbelief, miffed by the situation. It wasn't the inevitable repercussion that vexed him, it was the fact that regardless, such an action was taken for that bastard.

Seth Fischer deserved every bit of his beating, and he was sure Erwin would agree if he knew what that smug bastard had done.

Erwin waited patiently for his explanation, his face displaying nothing at Levi's show of irritation. The Captain's only response was to glare at the unflinching Commander before another scoff escaped his lips when he realized that Erwin would not relent.

"He laid his shitty hands on one of my female soldiers under my command," Levi stated brusquely. "I lost my temper."

Erwin absorbed the information with a subtle nod. "So, you're saying that Fischer assaulted one of your subordinates."

"Yes."

"Did you witness the assault?"

Levi's jaw tightened as he spat, "No, but I saw the fucking marks on her neck."

Erwin pursed his lips. "Did she clearly indicate it was Fischer?"

"No." Levi spat with a sneer. His fist curled into a tight ball when the image of Ida's marks on her neck came into his mind. "I don't fucking need ask her to know it was that useless shitty bastard."

"So you made a judgment based on your own personal grudges," Erwin stated sternly. He held up his hand to stop Levi from interrupting when it looked like he was about to throw in a snarky retort. "Nevertheless, I do trust your judgment as I always had, and I believe you would not act unnecessarily. Therefore, I'll launch an official investigation regarding this matter."

"Fine." Levi conceded, slightly discontented that there was still a need for an official investigation. If it were up to him, he would've thrown the pathetic asswipe over the Walls.

"But for me to launch an official investigation, I'll need the victim's statement as well," Erwin said, looking straight into his gray eyes that held nothing but annoyance. "Was it Sasha Blouse?"

Levi scowled. "No."

Erwin frowned, perplexed at his answer. There were only three female members in his squad. The other two were unlikely candidates for they were strong in their own right. "Mikasa Ackerman, then?"

"No."

That was when all the puzzle pieces aligned.

Realization dawned on Erwin and he remained silent as he comprehended the situation. If they were going by subtraction, it meant that the only female member left was Ida Starke.

But how?

Judging by his daughter's intemperate personality, it certainly did not make any sense. However, the fact that Ida was wearing a black scarf yesterday when he saw her and the fact that Seth and Ida had a prior relationship only told him that it was true.

Ida did also suggest that Seth Fischer should be removed from the Survey Corps as well.

But most glaring evidence of all was Levi's uncontrollable outburst — something that even Erwin did not see coming from the usually composed man — and he realized the real reason behind it now.

Of course, who else could invoke such a reaction from Levi than Ida? He should've known. This was an oversight. Erwin was aware of Levi's protection of her that bordered on obsessiveness.

But even if Erwin determined that she truly was the victim, he still couldn't pinpoint why exactly Ida had allowed it to happen.

"What?" he echoed for clarification, sitting up straighter. "How?"

Levi snorted and spoke in a low voice that displayed his distaste, "The damned brat was in a dejected mood clearly, or he wouldn't even manage to lay his fucking grimy hands on her."

Erwin exhaled sharply. "And what exactly got Ida so affected to a point she would allow someone like Fischer to overpower her?"

Levi was silent at this question and his expression reverted to a darkened grimace. It was a reaction that Erwin did not miss.

"Well?" he prompted again, even though he got an inkling of the answer.

Levi averted his eyes away and spoke in a measured voice, "We got into an argument."

It finally dawned upon him that this was the reason why Levi was so hesitant on answering him in the first place. Because it would lead to questions. Questions that Levi obviously did not feel comfortable discussing with him.

Erwin exhaled in exasperation; the reminder of Ida's declaration of love for this very man before him still clear in his mind. He was frustrated, both at the fact that there was something going on between the pair and worse, they refused to work out a solution between them. Now that he gave it further thought, he should've seen it coming. The signs were all there.

If one thing was certain, it was that the pair was equally obstinate with a formidable temper to match.

"I understand. I will not pry into the relationship between the two of you." Erwin broke the tense silence. "However, it has come to my attention that…"

Levi frowned when Erwin trailed off. "That what?"

"She affects your work, Levi. And at this point in time, I don't know if we can afford that to happen. Frankly, it's surprising for you to lose your composure, this would've never happened in the past."

Silence befell the two men again and Levi took the opportunity to ponder just what the hell Erwin is trying to get at.

"I understand that you've worked with Ida for a long time and that you care about her, but perhaps the strain your duties seem to be weighing on you," Erwin narrated plainly, still holding onto his gaze. "I'm aware that she can… be a handful."

Handful was an understatement. Ida was a curveball thrown at him when he wanted nothing more than to fulfill his duty and sacrifice his life for humanity's cause. Levi had no idea how to throw her back, how to get rid of this attachment that he felt for her.

Truthfully, he wasn't even sure he wanted to.

Erwin seemed to be understanding of this fact, for he was now looking at him with stern blue eyes; the type of unyielding gaze he used whenever he was set on an unpleasant decision that would likely trigger a protest.

Don't fucking tell me… he wants to separate us?

At this jarring thought, his heart began palpitating furiously and the throbbing pain in his chest intensified. Though he was careful not to show it on his features; Levi was not certain that Erwin did not know about the turmoil raging within him.

"I believe the best course of action is to separate the both of you," Erwin brought it up casually. He wasn't the type to dance around something, especially with Levi, who had zero patience for people who refused to get to the point. "I'll assign Ida her own squad to take charge of and it will be official once winter solstice break is over."

He felt his own body move and Levi stood up from his chair, slamming his hand on the desk. Erwin calmly tilted his head, meeting the infuriated glare from Levi with an aura of calm.

"That brat is not ready." Levi gnashed through gritted teeth. "It's a fucking mistake."

"She has proved herself competent ages ago." Erwin countered pointedly, his expression completely devoid of any type of hint or inclination as to what he is thinking. "I might not be so aware of your affairs, but it's clear to me that being together in the same squad affects both of you."

"Fuck no." Levi persisted with unmatchable animosity. "I will not accept this."

He did not know why he was being so belligerent, but the thought of Ida separating from him annoyed him. Ida was more than ready to lead her own squad. It was a promotion that was delayed only at his protest and her unwillingness in the past. But at this point in time, Levi wasn't sure that Ida would be as unwilling any longer.

She made it clear to him. They needed to distance themselves — for both of their sakes.

In fact, something told Levi that Ida was the one who suggested it.

Erwin verified his suspicions without a moment's hesitation. "Ida was the one who requested this and I don't see why I should reject her request."

"No," Levi fought to state his point. "She's the last Starke with a fucking power that could benefit humanity, you're making a mistake. It's bad enough that we're already sending her to the battlefield and not keeping her within the Walls like Historia Reiss."

"She's more than capable of protecting herself."

Levi did not need that reminder. But even as the rational part of him agreed with Erwin, he could not accept it.

He would never accept it.

Erwin can't be serious about it. Ida was an erratic uncontrolled mess; her humanity controlled her actions.

But she proved herself capable of change, didn't she? A voice whispered in his head.

No, even then, Ida still needed him. She needed to be protected. She was a Starke. The last of her kind. Her bloodline was special. He was Humanity's strongest — he could protect her. Levi desperately wanted to believe that Erwin wasn't serious, but the majority of his mind told him that he was.

A small part of him admitted that he was acting this way because he needed her too.

Another silence spanned between the pair, much longer than others in which both men considered each other, trying to decipher the thoughts of the person in front of them. It was a wordless confrontation of apathetic, unreadable expressions filled with soundless debate.

Erwin was the one who broke the silent confrontation first. "Do you love her?"

Tension seized Levi at that direct question that he never saw coming.

Love?

Levi was so sure that he loved her, a person would not do all he did or change as much as he did if he wasn't in love. But did Erwin not know? People like them were destined to hurt whoever they loved. Surely someone like Erwin who had tasted the loss of a loved one knew what would happen when men like them loved.

Erwin knew him better than that.

They were married to their duties before anything.

"What a stupid irrational thing to ask, Erwin," Levi growled in a deadly drawl. He sneered at Erwin in such a way, it was surprising how he could still remain so composed. "Is prying into the private lives of your soldiers part of the fucking job as Commander?"

Erwin studied him closely, absorbing his adamant argument. "I'm asking you not as your Commander, but as a friend."

"And what the fuck do you want me to say?" Levi spat venomously, narrowing his gray eyes that spoke of suppressed anger. "You yourself have stated years ago why you refused to marry or settle down. You don't even know when you would die. Ida is my direct subordinate, and our lives are not ours to live either. So why the hell are you asking me such stupid pointless things? We have better things to discuss—"

"I do not doubt your devotion to humanity." Erwin countered calmly. "And I'm sure that you are aware of my prior relationship with Elsie Starke."

But you still abandoned her, didn't you? Levi wanted to retort back spitefully, but he didn't.

Erwin closed his eyes briefly, aware of the rising incredulity in Levi's face. "I did not regret it once."

Regret what? Regret leaving her behind? Of course, I knew that, you heartless bastard.

It was exactly because Levi was so sure that Erwin would say something like that, that he was caught off guard when he opened his icy blue eyes to stare at him again, full of bittersweet memory.

"Meeting her, having Ida. I've never regretted it."

Again, tension seized him without any rhyme reason.

Erwin made no move, irritatingly composed. Acid burned Levi's throat, but he forcibly kept his expression flat as he held onto his steady gaze. Erwin waited patiently, expecting some sort of reply, but upon noticing that Levi's eyes were turning hard, he exhaled.

"I understand your worries, Levi," Erwin said in a composed voice. "I myself do not wish for Ida to live her life on the frontlines either, nor do I think that she would be truly happy with someone like you. But I did not regret meeting her mother once. We don't choose what we feel, and before we are soldiers, we are humans. We might have dehumanized ourselves, but we're not incapable of feeling. We say that we are fighting for freedom, but why do we keep ourselves locked in chains? I wouldn't say this to any other soldier, but you. Because I know that you are strong enough — both of you — to withstand this. And I believe that you're both devoted enough to humanity to make the right choices if the time calls for it, regardless of your attachment to each other."

Levi's countenance creased into a terrible scowl, and yet he made no moves to talk. Erwin waited for a reply, but upon sensing that he wouldn't get one again, he decided it was best to let him think.

"Alright, I'll say no more." Erwin relented. "I will not transfer Ida for now. But if I sense that things are still the same between the both of you, I will not hesitate to revoke your authority and assign Ida to her own squad. With that said, I do implore you to take this break to think through what I said. If you cannot let her go and yet you still keep her at arm's length, not only will it affect your work, but as her father, I will not just stand by and watch."

As though the heated argument had never happened, Erwin took a report from the stack of papers on his desk and began scanning through its contents.

"You're dismissed, Levi."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Levi Ackerman never knew what regret was. It was never in his dictionary.

What was the damned point of regretting? At one point in time, the choices one made was exactly what one wanted. Everyone makes mistakes and even the strongest was not exempted. Levi surely had made mistakes in his past.

But there was no point in regretting, he was determined to live life with no regrets.

His mistakes did not define him. The very fact that he was alive with the power to shape his future meant something. Every single action in his life, Levi had chosen for himself. To the time when he had abandoned Farlan and Isabel, believing in their strengths, to even further back when he chose to follow Kenny Ackerman, thinking that he would be his new family from then on, never to be apart again.

He had even chosen to stay in the Survey Corps under Erwin's command — a man he had once detested — because he believed that by following him, it would give him a purpose.

Levi had chosen every defining moment in his life out of his will and by his own judgment, and he had gained many things from his choices; a purpose, authority, comrades, and even the respect that came along with the stupid title of Humanity's strongest. Even though sometimes those things disappear forever, in mere seconds whenever a Titan's jaw closes on another subordinate, Levi did not regret his choice once.

He chose not to care, to never regret because, despite the pain, life was gradually becoming more enriching.

And Levi would continue to live like this, till the very day he died, he would live with no regrets.

His will to live with no regrets was so strong that even death — the 'death' of the woman that he thought he treasured — he did not regret his choices for leaving her behind. It wasn't worth the price, but there was no need for regrets because, at that point in time, it was exactly what his judgment told him to do. Humanity needed Eren and Historia; they were too precious to be forsaken. His duty was calling upon him.

And duty was the death of love.

But what if he was given the chance to turn back time again?

Would he make the same choices?

Levi wasn't confident to say that he would.

Even if she was interesting to watch, interesting to observe, interesting to be around because of her spontaneity, and even if he loved her, Ida was not healthy for him. She disturbed him, greatly.

Because she invited the weakness in him.

But he was the one who had invited her into his life.

And it was exactly why this needed to stop. To close that chapter up. To let their strange relationship return to its normal comradeship, minus intense gazes, and awkward physical contact. It was better to stop.

Ida was right. They were soldiers. They had their duty to consider and they were adults capable of putting their past behind them.

There was no such thing as destiny to Levi Ackerman, but it wasn't as though he was not perceptive enough to see the bleak future of what would happen if they got together. As tempting as her proposition was, he made the choice and took control of his own fate. He couldn't choose how he lived from the start, but he had already chosen how he'd meet his end: to live and die fighting for humanity.

But what about the middle?

It was odd really. For someone so adamant to take control of his life, it was an oversight that Levi found appalling. He made decisions on how he wanted to meet his end, on how to save humanity, but he had sorely neglected the middle.

Not too long ago, Ida Starke had offered him the 'middle.'

But it was far too late. There were no more chances for him to take.

Levi gripped the doorknob to his personal room and turned it, entering the pristine room.

What the hell was his fucking problem? He had made his choice back then, didn't he? He made a choice he was sure he wouldn't regret. Levi just about had enough with this 'heart over mind' and 'mind over heart' battle within him — the victor was his damned mind, as it always had been. It was pointless to mull over it.

He loosened his cravat irritably and did his best to dismiss the topic. His gray eyes snagged on a box on his bed. Levi growled in annoyance, loathing to even bother with the stupid thing. It was probably another stack of shitty reports. Some stupid scout probably delivered it to his personal room instead of his office.

Levi was just about to dismiss the box when he saw that a small envelope was laid on top of it. Frowning, he sat on his bed and took the box into his lap. He tore open the envelope and pulled out a simple piece of paper.

'Happy Birthday, Levi.'

Those words shouldn't have that much of an impact on someone, but it did. Levi did not even realize his heart was pounding at an erratic rate until his eyes fell on the box on his lap.

With deliberate slowness, he set the letter beside him and opened the box, revealing a fine ivory cravat. He took it out from the box, inspecting it with a heavy heart as Ida's words from the past rang in his ears.

"But I don't have a present, I'll get you one next year. I promise."

"Too bad, you're going to have to spend every winter solstice with me from now on."

Perhaps Levi was already overwhelmed by Erwin's disturbing declaration that he had never once regret meeting Elsie, but for once he did not even have the strength to compose himself. With slightly trembling hands, he brought the fabric to his forehead, clenched his teeth, and just… allowed himself to remember...

To the time when she was still beside him, through thick and thin, reading each other's movements on the battlefields... How very compatible they both were. And onwards to the nearer past, as they commiserate with each other during their deepest sorrows, believing that they would always be there for each other, making stupid unkeepable promises to never die on each other.

They were not alone anymore.

And finally, to the cruel present, when Levi realized that he was utterly alone once again — she wasn't here beside him anymore.

Her eyes. Her hair. Her scent. Her smiles. Her tears. Her laughs. Her cries. Her touch.

Levi was allowing every single suppressed memory of her to swallow him alive in the room. Allowing every single contained emotion to viciously burst within his chest, mercilessly condemning him to a new kind of agony he had never experienced before.

He had lost her.

Lost his source of power. Lost his middle. Lost his wings. Lost his closest confidante.

And he wanted to change it — all of it. Levi wanted her back. He wanted to rewind time and change his choices. He wanted to curse himself for being so obstinate even though he knew he couldn't live without her. He wanted to wilt, to beg, to cry for the heavens to give him another chance.

He was so foolish.

And he regretted all of it.

He regretted ever letting her go.

But she was still alive, wasn't she? Even if there were no more chances for him, he could convince her otherwise.

As soon as this realization was met, Levi rushed out of his room to look for her. With a furiously thumping heart, he stormed through the headquarters, only to realize that she was no longer around and neither was their squad.

Knowing that Erwin would've known where she went, Levi set his objective on finding him. He spotted him outside the headquarters with Dot Pixis and caught him just before he was about to enter the carriage.

"Erwin."

"Levi?" Erwin raised a brow, confused by how disheveled he looked. "Do you have something to report?"

"Captain," Pixis greeted, looking amused at his state.

Levi ignored the Garrison Commander and got the point without a second to waste. "Ida, where is she?"

"She left with your squad and Hanji to go to Wall Sina for winter solstice, I heard that they were going to stay at one of her estates in Mitras—"

"Thanks," Levi muttered flatly and started to walk away with urgency.

Erwin stopped him. "Levi."

"What?" Levi demanded, looking annoyed.

A short silence stretched between the two men before Erwin finally voiced the question that would give him all the answers that he needed. "You made your choice?"

"Yes," was all that Levi replied and with that flat confirmation, Erwin allowed him to leave.

Pixis was eyeing Erwin curiously when they were comfortably ensconced in the carriage, on route to Nile Dok's house. He smirked when he saw the small smile that slightly lifted his friend's lips — a rare expression that hardly graced his stoic features. "So… he finally made his choice."

"Mhm," Erwin murmured sedately. "It's about time."

"Must be the air of winter solstice," Pixis commented with a hearty laugh. "Are you worried?"

"No," Erwin answered flatly. "Why would I be?"

Pixis lifted a curious brow. "Really? I've thought that you would be against it," he smiled wanly. "After all, she is your only daughter."

At his comment, Erwin pinched his nose bridge and chuckled bitterly. "I thought I would be, Pixis, but when Ida told me that she'll be sane alone, she looked like she was about to cry."

He removed his hand from his nose bridge and stared out listlessly out of the carriage windows. His vacant blue eyes told Pixis his mind was in another place. "Pixis, in our line of work. One can hardly maintain their sanity, especially with all the sacrifices that we have to make. It truly takes strong willpower."

"Mhm," Pixis folded his arms and leaned back. "Zackley always did say that it was easier to choose death than what you scouts go through."

"Levi has no experience with love and relationships," Erwin said steadily, still looking out of the carriage glass windows. "Which is why he doesn't understand…"

"Doesn't understand what?"

Pixis's question drew Erwin's gaze into his. "In our line of work, what truly keeps us sane is not by being alone. It's by being around our comrades, the people we care about, and the support that we have for each other that keeps us sane. We've sacrificed so much already, the last thing I want for Ida and Levi is for them to live with regrets."

"Spoken like a caring father and friend," Pixis smiled approvingly as he bobbed his head. "Never thought you had it in you, sometimes I believe that playing Commander was the only thing you were capable of."

Erwin smiled somberly as his hand instinctively reached to grab his severed stump. "...Pixis, I'm nothing more than a wounded soldier heading into the battlefield now... But Ida… she needs someone to be with her."

A dark shadow settled on Pixis's features and he sat up straighter. "You'll come back from the expedition, you always do."

Will I? Erwin thought sullenly.

He stared out at the carriage windows again. He felt a calm omnipresent bliss clutch him and Erwin knew then: he had made the right decision.

For his only daughter, who he had failed over and over again, Erwin felt peace knowing that she had someone beside her. A lifeline to hold onto, someone to protect her, even when he was long gone.

As he fluttered his eyes shut, a bittersweet memory of the distant past played in his mind.

Elsie Starke smiled at him, vibrant and beautiful. Her long waist-length hair contrasted with her simple blue dress. "Erwin, you like me, don't you?"

He was baffled by her direct unabashed question. Before he could conjure up a suitable reply to deny it, Elsie smiled brighter. "I like you too…" she looked away, gazing at setting sun. "...and even though you'll have to leave me one day, I know I won't ever regret meeting you."

His eyebrows creased together. "Elsie… You know about my ambitions. The path that I intend to walk is that of a madman, you're a Starke, it's not right for us to—"

"But Erwin," she looked at him steadily. "No one can be sane alone in this mad world, anyone who says they can is lying. So don't push me away, because I'll be the only one who can truly understand you, just like how you're the only one who can truly understand me."

She moved towards him and clasped his hand. "And even if I'm no longer around you, I know for a fact that the memories of us will keep you sane." A sad expression graced her soft features. "So, don't push me away Erwin, even if it's for a while, let us live with no regrets. I will be your lifeline, something else for you to come back to Walls for other than your dreams, and you…"

She stopped herself, tiptoeing to supplant a chaste kiss on his lips. Erwin's eyes widened and he froze, shocked at her bold gesture.

Pulling away, Elsie only smiled sadly when their gazes met. She brought a hand up to cup his cheek before she said:

"And you… you will be my sanity in this mad, cruel yet beautiful world."

---

A/N: I've finally settled Seth and Erwin, so yes: the chapter you are all waiting for is next! *fanfare trumpet*

I had plans to get them together this chapter, but there's Seth in the picture and I needed to sort out the underlying toxicity in their relationship, and Ida/Levi needs a reality check LOL. Also, I can't believe we exceeded 1k reviews! Thank you for your support! I could honestly cry right now, you don't know how much it means to me. T_T

Till the next update Eclipse! :p I'll post updates on my profile! Stay safe and I hope everyone is well!

Do leave a review with your thoughts, it really motivates me to carry on writing!