Humanity's Strongest Woman

by xDollfie

In every empire, there is an epic era that defies the boundaries of time and immortalized itself in the history books. For mankind, an epic era they will never forget has finally emerged. The war between humanity and Titans has finally come to a head. Love cease to exist in a time like this, but they found it, and promised that it'll be worth it. Every stubborn inch of it [LEVIXOC]

42. Wretched Dynasty

Thank you to everyone who left those kind, encouraging reviews after that small happening in the reviews section. I'm overwhelmed and thankful for the feedback for the previous chapter.

Also, I'm looking for one Beta Reader, you aren't required to edit, but more of proof-reading and to provide feedback! Please add me on discord: Doll#6310, email me (on profile), or PM if any kind soul is willing to help! ;-;

Thank you 92 is half of 99 and blackbutler415 for giving me your opinion!

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Humanity's Strongest Woman by xDollfie

Chapter 38 — Wretched Dynasty

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North of Wall Sina, Starke Estate

He remained quiet while he stood on the balcony. The butler's gaze roamed the picturesque gardens from where he stood, coming alive with the quiet splatter of rain. His eyes moved over to the guest of the manor. Seth Fischer sat on a chair silently, dazed and broken. It looked like someone had just ripped out his heart.

"There you are, sir," Kelson strode over to him. "I was looking for you. The rain will worsen, it's best you return inside."

Dark hazel eyes momentarily scoured the balcony before they landed on the teacup that Kelson had placed on the table beside him. "I told you to call me Seth."

"I was told to treat you as an honored guest."

"Guest, huh?" Seth murmured sullenly. The torrent of rain picked up when he grabbed the warm teacup. "How are you settling?"

"Well." The butler replied. "I'm grateful that the lady transferred me to the main estate, it's an honor."

Seth's eyes glazed at the mention of Ida. He placed his teacup down and gazed at the gardens from the balcony he was on. He had lived here for as long as he can remember, but the place still felt foreign. "Any news from the Survey Corps?"

"The official date for their departure to Wall Maria is in three days."

"I see... so soon, huh?"

"I believe the lady will return safely, sir," Kelson assured, stealing Seth away from his sullen thoughts.

Seth's gaze lingered on the fresh flower beds planted. "You did a good job with the maintenance of the garden. Ida likes white flowers, she'll be pleased with your work."

Kelson nodded, a prideful smile lit on his face. The heavy, yet peaceful, splattering of the rain could be heard when he spoke, "If you don't mind, sir. A question?"

"You don't have to be so formal with me, we're both servants here."

He took a moment to suppress the numbing sensations when he was reminded of the irony surrounding his situation. Once, Seth desperately wished to leave this gilded prison and be by her side, and leave he did, only to return to the same prison with a different master and a different purpose.

"We're different," Kelson said. "You're her treasured confidante."

Seth smiled wryly. His heart dropped. If only Kelson knew.

"I doubt that the lady will ever return here, she seems dedicated to being a soldier. Perhaps you could decorate the garden to your taste instead."

He chuckled bitterly at Kelson's suggestion. What an absurd situation to be in. Served by a butler when he was once the servant of Jaron and even given full control of the estate like he was the master of it. He didn't deserve the mercy that Ida had shown him, and neither did he feel comfortable with all the luxury.

Because what difference was there between Kelson and him?

Before anything, he lived to serve her loyally until the very end. His life purpose.

The torrent of the rain picked up. Seth watched streams of wisp escape the teacup. Remnants of water streamed off the outer sides of the table. Though he was getting partially wet from the residual water that slithered beneath them, it wasn't enough to knock Seth from his somber state yet.

"This large estate doesn't have a master," Seth said carefully. "But you never know what would happen, Kelson." His eyes dimmed with bittersweet memory. "Ida might not say it openly, but deep down she yearns for a solid home. It's our job as her servants to prepare one, whether or not she would ever come back at all."

Kelson seemed to understand what he was saying. "You hope that the lady will return?"

Seth didn't answer. He stood up when a stream of water edged closer to his pants. The rain was getting heavier and so was the bottomless pit in his stomach. The topic was hitting too close to home for him. Walking past the glass doors of the balcony, he returned to the mansion. The dark long hallways were partially lit up with flickering candles, making the environment more haunting against the backdrops of portraits and paintings.

Silence mounted over them when they walked down the hallway, passing through the painted portraits of the past masters of the wretched dynasty. Over his years serving Jaron, Seth came to know that many of them were painted before the era of the walls.

The paintings were old, many faces unrecognizable, but they were all the same to him.

Emerald green eyes, vivid red hair the color of a blossoming rose, embroidered clothes made with rich fabric, jewels that glittered… and the same staunch, judgmental stare that passed down through history. Powerful these people were, Seth could tell from their painted aura. Powerful but damned.

In that sense, Seth was convinced that the extravagance was used to cover up the darkness hiding in their dynasty wrought with bloodshed.

He stopped at a painting that caught his interest. Seth inspected it, speculating about the significance of this piece. It was different from all the others, he recalled that Jaron's eyes would always linger on it whenever they passed it.

The paint strokes were barely visible, the parchment dry and fragile, but it was enough to comprehend what it was.

A red-haired woman, handing a golden apple to a blonde-haired child.

The earth-shattering roar of the monstrous thunder could be heard in the near distance. The rain grew more violent with thrashes of wind pounding the windows accompanying the worsening storm. Strokes of lightning reflected in the glass that protected the parchment.

"I hope she doesn't," Seth finally replied, his vigilant gaze still fixated on the painting. "I hope Ida lives her life, ignorant and free to do whatever she wants forever." He walked closer to the painting, fists clenched to his sides. "Because if she ever does return to this luxurious birdcage which symbolizes her wretched dynasty, it could only mean one thing..."

"And what will that be, sir?"

A paralyzing dread appeared inside him at the butler's question. Through his uneasiness, his lips parted slowly.

"That she had failed to escape her destiny."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

The weight of the world suffocated her as Ida sat on the sickbed, frozen, and dazed.

Hanji and Pete stared at her with vigilance in silence. Maybe they knew that she needed some time to come to terms with everything. Her heart twisted in agonized knots when she faded from the infirmary and closer to her own world of contemplation. There was a myriad of conflicting thoughts sparring for attention in her mind. However, the most prominent thought was the one that terrified all the nerves in her body: she was pregnant.

Her lips parted and the words left her dry and cracked. "Is it confirmed…?"

The doctor took a second to regard her with an indiscernible look in his eyes. "We would've to wait a bit longer to perform some more tests to confirm it, but—"

"Get rid of it."

"Ida!" Hanji gasped, horrified at her terrifying resolution.

Truth to be told, it astounded her how easily she said it too. But with all this somber contemplation, it was only natural for her traffic of thoughts to segue into the upcoming expedition that was just three days away. In the midst of the darkness overshadowing her once bright future, Ida saw the light of what had to be done, no matter how cruel it was.

Her future would always be cemented to the Survey Corps. Humanity was relying on the upcoming battle. Someone like her had to go to the frontlines. She belonged there.

A baby out of all things now? Impossible.

She wasn't ready, and Ida didn't know if she would ever be ready.

And frankly, what scared her the most was Levi's reaction. How was she going to tell him? Worse, how could she tell him with the expedition so close by?

"Hey," Hanji sat down next to her. Ida's head was downcast, she didn't even move with her urging. Concerned, Hanji tucked her red bangs behind her ears and called for her again. "Ida, look at me."

Holding her breath, Ida complied.

"Don't make such a hasty decision," she reasoned. Hanji drew closer to her in her numb, distracted state. "Why don't you discuss this with—"

"No," Ida dismissed quietly, shaking where she sat. She had no idea where her mind was in that moment, she was so paralyzed with fear that she couldn't even begin to categorize her emotions. "No, he can't know about this… the expedition… it's just three days away… how can I be… no…"

"Ida, you don't want this," Hanji insisted, breaking her from her daze. "I know you're shocked right now but you should think this through properly."

Ida buried her face in her hands, feeling her sanity disintegrate. Her frantic mind ran over the prospect of getting rid of her own child. Hers and Levi's child. She felt disgust brew within her. She could not fathom how she, who had lost most of her family already, would be capable of something like that.

But what choice did she have?

This child would not only hinder both her and Levi, but it'd be an heir to a wretched dynasty she was hell-bent on ending with her own hands. Another Starke.

"I…" Her mouth opened, but Ida couldn't bring herself to finish her sentence. She didn't have a choice, so why was it so hard to say it?

Hanji's sympathetic eyes took inventory of the petrified state she was in. She sighed and looked to Pete for an input.

Pete shifted his glasses uncomfortably. "I'd also advise you not to make any rash decisions. Not to mention, you'll be bedridden for a few days if you do go ahead with it. I doubt you'll be able to move, much less maneuverer."

Ida was silent after that but she kept her bleak eyes staring ahead. She felt so fragmented. Her mind couldn't make sense of anything.

"Take care of her," Ida heard Hanji say to Pete. "I'll get Commander Erwin and Levi—"

A tsunami of emotions whipped through her at the mention of those names. "No!" Ida shouted urgently, jerking up from the bed. "No, don't tell them anything!"

"It's the proper protocol, everything must be reported to the Commander," Hanji combated gently with a subtle frown. There was care in her voice when she went on, "You can't go on an expedition when there's a possibility you're pregnant, Erwin or Levi would never allow it."

But Ida wasn't listening, she was too caught up in her own train of thoughts to listen. "No," she repeated harshly. Her firm eyes landed on the doctor, bequeathing him a death glare of warning. "How much?"

Pete's brows furrowed. "What?"

"I'm asking you how much for your silence?" Ida clarified, her voice vibrating with unbridled desperation. Her fingers clenched onto his biceps when he didn't reply, "I'll pay you however much you ask for!"

From the wide look on Hanji's expression, Ida knew she was taken aback at how she was outright bribing the doctor in front of her. "Ida are you thinking of keeping this to yourself?"

"Yes, I am," she contended angrily. "They can't know about this – not ever. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I can't do that," Hanji retorted. "I can't watch you do this."

Ida let go of the doctor. Her fingers raked through her hair. She raised her terrified eyes to Hanji after a troubling thought assaulted her psyche. Ida was aware that Hanji would have a hard time keeping this secret for her, but she didn't think she'd put up such a fight.

"It's not confirmed yet, and I have to go on this expedition. I have to."

"Ida…" Hanji exhaled a pained breath, her gaze assessing the misery engulfing her face. "Even if there's no concrete confirmation, Pete wouldn't say that without reason… as I said, you should discuss this with—"

"You know why I can't!" Ida snapped, infuriated that she couldn't see where she was coming from. Her scowl collapsed when she saw the sternness in Hanji's face and her tone dropped to a plea. She was desperate to convince her. "Hanji, please... you know what rides in this our successful retake of Wall Maria…"

"That doesn't mean I should allow you to go," Hanji countered. Her eyes scrutinized hers. "Think for yourself for once, this isn't something you can shrug off. I can't allow you to—"

"Yes you can, Hanji." Ida insisted, her words coming out with harsh conviction. Though her voice was severe, she was actually scared stiff. "You can keep this a secret."

Hanji wasn't about to back down. "I'm only doing this because I care for you. I can't. I'm sorry."

"Erwin is nothing more than a crippled wounded soldier, yet I don't see you making a fuss over getting him to sit out of this expedition, why?"

A sad smile graced her mouth when Hanji didn't answer. Guilt had kept her silent, Ida knew.

"Because you think we need him, right? You know exactly how important this mission is. We must make sacrifices, Hanji, it's not about what's best for the people we care about, it's about what is best for humanity, it always was. Pregnant, handicapped… What difference is there when humanity is at risk? What does it matter when humanity is doomed if this mission fails? We don't have a choice. Our uniforms… is nothing more than a chain that strips away our freedom, our morality, and our humanity..." Ida searched her brown eyes behind her glasses. "But you know all of this already, don't you?"

A strong battle of wills clashed before Ida spoke again, "I have to go. I must."

Hanji swallowed tightly. She could see that from the look on her face that her stream of reasoning was starting to get to her.

"Please," Ida said feebly, so traumatized that she couldn't even gather the energy to argue with her anymore. "Please, I beg you. If you ever thought of me as a friend, please just stay silent."

Hanji let out a long breath. Although it was clear that she didn't agree with her, it was inevitable now. The pandora's box had been opened, and she had to help her deal with the aftermath.

"Alright," Hanji agreed begrudgingly, watching the stubbornness sweep out of her. "I won't say anything for now, but promise me that you won't make any rash decisions."

She shook her head. Hanji didn't get it. She didn't understand that this was her only option. Ida began to retreat, her pace quickening by the second.

"I already know what I need to do," Ida uttered impatiently. "I can't have this child. Never."

When Hanji opened her mouth to argue, Ida interrupted her by opening the door and storming out.

"I trust you Hanji," she said, not wanting to hear her oppose her plans. "Both of you."

She slammed the door shut, leaving them to stare after her in disbelief.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

During his tenure as the provincial Lord of Northern Wall Sina, Jaron Starke had reigned with a belief that "money fixes everything in the world".

When Ida dropped a large bag of coins at Pete's office, she thought wryly that maybe she really was a Starke through and through. Though the doctor had adamantly refused the bribe and insisted he wouldn't say a word on his honor as a doctor, Ida wouldn't take any chances. If money had always kept people's mouth shut, then she would pay whatever sum if this meant her secret was safe.

If only coins could fix her main problem now.

A plethora of thoughts swarmed her mind as she sat in her room, a piece of blank paper laid out in the table in front of her. She bit her quivering lip and dipped her quill in the inkpot. She needed to write a report on what she had seen with the Will of Odina, there was no reason for procrastination even at a time like this. Any amount of information – no matter how vague and confusing – could mean the difference between success and failure.

Ida started writing.

A towering tree with a gaping hole in the middle, bigger than any in the Forest of Giant Trees. White flowers surrounded the…

Ida couldn't help but allow tears to form in her eyes. Her eyes blurred as the tears dripped onto the paper, staining it completely. She sniffled to herself and made a mental note to blotch some ink on top of the tearstained area to hide the remnants of her pain.

Drawing in a deep breath to regulate her tears, Ida continued writing.

The second memory was of a battle. A distinctive Titan roar echoed through the battlefield. The armor on the soldiers was made of leather and metal...

Ida didn't know if what she dreamt about Jaron Starke was part of the Will of Odina as well and she debated on including it in her report. She never had a memory come to her in a dream before. If only Seth was here to answer her questions. Her headaches had stopped completely ever since the last vision, maybe it was all just a disturbing dream.

But what if it wasn't?

Afterall, there was no concrete information on the Ackermans and the Starkes relationship. And if the dream was a glimpse into the past, transmitted by the Will of Odina, why did Jaron actively prosecute them?

Were the Ackermans really a threat to humanity as what Seth once said?

Her quill stopped mid-air and her hand automatically went for her uneasy stomach. It was flat still. Muscular from years of maneuvering. Ida didn't need to wait longer for the doctor's confirmation. Maybe it was a mother's intuition, but she knew innately she was with child.

Suddenly, her womb felt heavy. What Levi and she created was growing in her. Half Ackerman and half Starke. Their child. Their creation. Their abomination. An heir to both their bloodlines capable of awakening, a rightful heir to her wretched dynasty, and most importantly, an inheritor of her family sins and burdens. She wouldn't want the life she had for her child.

Was this how Elsie Starke felt when she protected her from the filth of their family sins?

Was this a mother's selfish love like her mother had once said?

Would she repeat the same mistakes as her mother?

Despite the absence of pain, the pulsating sensation was a stark reminder. Ida swallowed hard and blinked back the involuntary tears. No. This was not how she wanted her life to be. She wanted to devote herself to humanity, to undo what her dynasty had created, not to be stuck behind the walls carrying her Captain's illegitimate child.

What would Levi think about this? Would he be disappointed? Angry? Would he even want this? Ida wasn't even sure if she was prepared for it, much less Levi. What was she going to do? Despite her adamant conclusion, was she even capable of getting rid of it? It was an innocent child. Her child.

Most importantly, how was she even going to tell him? Would she ever tell him?

This child would only hinder him. Just like how it was hindering her right now.

Honestly, Ida knew that it was best if she remained behind the walls. Hanji was speaking sense. Anyone would've called her crazy and selfish for even thinking about participating. But what other choice did she have? If humanity failed to take back Wall Maria, if Eren was taken away from them again, if they couldn't reach the basement… then humanity's hopes for survival would be almost negligible.

The saddest part of accepting her fate was knowing that there was no point in staying behind when her child's future relied on the success of this mission.

Military or motherhood, which one?

Ida felt fragmented. The more she thought about it, the more indecisive she became. She didn't even know if she could raise a child, nor if she was capable of getting rid of a child. In no way, shape, or form was she fit enough to be a mother. Starting a family was the last thing on her mind. The same can be said for Levi too, he was a military man, as he always would be.

An insidious smile crossed her lips. Ida knew she wasn't a selfish person, but she was very selfish when it comes to her family. If she was sincere about anything in her pitiful world, it is the life she would give birth to and the people she counted as her family.

A child… a Starke child… would inevitably have to withstand the burdens of their family sins. Damned for a cruel life like her. Cursed by thousands for the creation of Titans. The continuation of sin upon sin. A cycle of pain, misery, and insidious secrets.

And Levi's child… would inevitably hinder him in his devotion to his duty. How could she do that to him? He was destined for an extraordinary life. Growing up as Erwin's daughter, she knew the pain and longing that would entail. She was silently aware of her father's worries too, the self-conflict that plagued him even to this day.

After all, what is duty compared to a lover's kiss? What is duty compared to a newborn in one's arms? What is duty compared to the warm happy nights surrounded by one's family?

A series of knocks on her door brought her back to reality. Horrified that tears had covered her cheeks without her consent, she quickly wiped them away and steadied her voice.

"Come in."

"I heard you fainted." Erwin came into her room with Levi. "Are you alright?"

Thank God, it seemed that Hanji had kept her secret.

"Yeah," she nodded. Inconspicuously, Ida tried to hide her face with her bangs and distracted herself with writing. "I fainted because I had a vision, the Will of Odina was acting up again. I was just writing my report."

It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the full truth either.

Understanding multiplied across Erwin's expression. "Did you find out about anything?"

She shifted her head slightly. Levi had perched himself on the wall. Ida shook her head inwardly and reminded herself to be careful not to give anything away. "Nothing much, just some images, but they don't seem to be Jaron's. Many of them seem almost old like they were memories of someone that lived before the walls were established."

"Before the walls were established..." Erwin's vigilant eyes roamed her half-written report before it landed back on her. "I understand. You look pale. The expedition is just three days away, you best take care of yourself. Your squad is worried about you. Get some rest."

"I will," she feigned a smile. "I'm fine, don't worry about me. It's nothing much."

"Alright then," Erwin started for the door. "I'll leave you to draft your report, we'll discuss it at the next meeting tomorrow."

"Will be there."

With Erwin's departure from the room, Ida drew a deep breath. She could feel the soft panic that would grow or fade depending on what she would do next. Her stomach churned. She couldn't remember the last time she was this nervous over being around Levi alone.

Desperate to cling to her composure, Ida distracted herself with writing. Even without him saying anything, she could feel the intense pressure. His intimidating aura was palpable.

She was so focused that she hadn't noticed Levi had made his way next to her until he lifted her bangs and placed a rough hand on her forehead. "Stop writing. Rest. Never thought you would knock out just from running some shitty laps."

Ida allowed her worried thoughts to leak into the ether. She would hold her anxiety by its trembling tail. "Don't touch me," she snarled, perhaps with too much venom. "I can't believe you didn't trust me and made me run laps again, you heartless jerk."

Levi angled his eyes so that their gaze aligned.

"What's wrong?" His lips pressed into a fine line. "Spit it out, this isn't what's bothering you. Why the hell are your eyes red?"

Shit, Ida hissed inwardly with revelation, stunned by Levi's ability to trap her. She didn't say a word, her blood was draining itself out of my system.

Levi crossed his arms, impatience teeming in his scowl. "What did you see?"

"Things," Ida said dismissively. "It's nothing I can really infer upon, just some fleeting images."

"What things?"

"You'll get in the report—"

"Ida." Levi's tone was flat but searing. The way he said her name held a finality.

A pause skipped through them and Ida noticed his expression had darkened. Despite her determination to maintain her stoicism, she knew he could see right through her.

"I dreamt about the Ackermans," she confessed, hoping that he wouldn't have caught on that wasn't the true reason either. "I don't know if it's the Will of Odina or a dream… but…"

Her hands trembled and she dropped her quill. She tried to pick it up. Levi stopped her. His calloused fingertips rested on top of her right hand. Ida didn't move from his hold. Slowly, his fingers lowered their hands to the table. Instead of letting go, Levi gave her hand a gentle squeeze. The warmth of his palm put her own to shame.

Levi was a pragmatist to the fullest. He was perceptive enough to know what she was insinuating. "Whatever you saw, it doesn't matter."

Ida became quiet at his forceful tone. Even after all these years, she still remembered his temper. For a while, they didn't speak anymore.

Slowly, she continued with subtlety, "Jaron Starke was killing them... I don't have any proof, but it's obvious he was responsible for the prosecution of your family."

Realizing that tears had suddenly dripped down her face, she broke free of his grip to wipe them away. But the harder she tried to get rid of them, the more they fought for visibility. They stung so badly that her vision blurred. "He made them… kill each other — it was so brutal. What if there was another reason that's why he asked me to kill you? What if…"

During her statement, Levi's haunting eyes never wavered. His thumb went to her cheek to wipe away her tears. "Whatever that bastard did, it wasn't on you." He gritted his teeth. "For fuck sake, Ida, stop blaming yourself on shit that is beyond your circumstances. I don't care about that. Nothing will change between us."

Ida listened to Levi's words with more care than he would ever know. If only he knew. Her heart dropped to the abyss of her stomach. She hated lying to him. She hated lying when she knew that he was nothing but honest with her now. In the face of human emotions, honesty never came easy to Levi, but he had been trying, she knew.

Levi was trying for the sake of her.

Instead of replying, Ida moved out of her seat and hugged him. She hugged him as if they were lovers about to part.

She thought about the moments where he took care of her, the moments they shared when they were alone, and the moments they shared at the cabin — all the memories that were dearest to her heart. She could trust him, she told herself. He promised that he would always be beside her. Through thick and thin. Using her guilty heart as a guide, Ida realized she couldn't lie to him, not to the one who she cherished more than anything in this world. Tragedies would only repeat itself if she continued with the lies.

"Levi, I have something to tell you…" The words left her lips without warning, causing her heartbeat to accelerate.

She abruptly broke away from the hug.

"What? Is this about the mission again?" Levi's tone was smooth and condemning, a scowl already forming on his features. She smiled inwardly. He was thinking that it was another one of her dramatic speeches about death again.

If only he knew this was a confession of life. Of the life that was growing within her.

She struggled to maintain eye contact with him. "No, it isn't..."

"Then, what?"

"I…" Ida trailed off.

Her voice just wouldn't come out. Her pulse hammered, the vibrancy of life draining from her face. The Captain frowned, regarding her evenly. His right hand lifted to adjust his cravat. His fingers were steady, but Ida was convinced it was a nervous gesture. Whether Levi was aware of it himself, she realized he could detect that whatever she had to say was something drastic — something that could potentially alter their fates.

Ida felt suffocated. So many questions besieged her mind that she felt like throwing up. All of a sudden, the fear had returned tenfold.

What if things changed between them? What if Levi left her because of this? What if he didn't allow her to embark on the expedition with him? This child would no doubt hinder his career. Could she really do this to him with the expedition so close by?

"You what, Ida? Get on with it." Levi slightly winced as he mindfully crafted his next words. Without any momentum, he asked in a straightforward manner, "Is this important?"

It was now or never. She opened her mouth.

But instead of a confession, Ida hugged him again. The hug must have taken him by surprise because he stumbled backward a little.

"No matter what happens, I love you." She buried her face in his neck, trying to steady her voice. "I swear if there's anything that is true in this world, it is that."

She felt him tense up and slowly relaxed. Levi didn't say anything else. Slowly, his arms moved to gently embrace her back. Maybe he had assumed she was in an emotional state with the expedition so nearby and from her visions.

"Idiot," he sighed. "You still didn't answer the question."

"I'll tell you… soon."

"When?"

She swallowed bitterly. "When… the time is right..."

He guided her away from his chest. Levi stared at her for a moment. Then, he gently laid a small kiss on her forehead as his reply. Ida realized it was his way of assuring her, having caught on how terrified she was, and it did little to ease her guilt.

A deep hollow vent formed inside of her when she feigned a smile. Ida didn't know its true origin, but it was a dreadful vacuum that drained her livelihood. It was as if someone had dug her hole into my chest and scooped out all her soul. All Ida was left with nothing but the large, painless void.

The lies paraded on in her mind. Secrets, on top of more secrets. Secrets were the things that killed her parents' relationship. She should've known better. But all the courage that she had gathered vanished in the face of vain, selfish love.

She shuddered inwardly when she replayed a pearl of wisdom that her mother bestowed on her the day she died: "One day when you are a mother. One day, when you have found someone that you love — truly love. One day when you have discovered the truth of humanity. Then you will understand what I mean Ida."

She shut her eyes and clutched his shirt. She couldn't tell him. Not yet.

The guilt cemented in her, Ida felt the disappointment and disgust she reserved only for herself bear down on her.

All is fair in love and war.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"Why did you bring me to this world?"

Elsie stopped walking down the hallways of the Starke Estate. Adjusting her long dress, she crouched down on the carpeted floors so that she could meet her daughter's gaze. "Ida, why are you asking something like that?"

She bit her lip and nervously shifted one foot to another. "Because… wouldn't you be happier without me? Uncle doesn't like me, and the servants said that your life would be so much easier if I wasn't born."

Elsie's lips pressed into a pained smile. Tenderly, she held her daughter's small hands. "You were born… because of a mother's love."

"Mother's love?"

She nodded and tucked a strand of her daughter's red hair behind her ears. Her voice was sincere and genuine when she elaborated.

"A mother's love is everything. It's what brings a child into this world. It's what molds one's entire being." Elsie's gaze was downcast. "There's absolutely nothing a mother wouldn't do to protect her child. Mothers have killed, have sacrificed everything to see their children smile, and have even destroyed entire dynasties for them."

"So…" Ida tilted her head. "You gave birth to me because you love me?"

Elsie smiled. "That's right. So take pride in that and never ever blame yourself for anything that happens."

"Even if you will be sad because of me? I don't want to see you sad..."

"Silly girl, a mother's love is the strongest thing known to man." Elsie took her into her arms. "You're still young, but when you have your own children, you'll understand it's power."

She breathed in deeply and hastily brushed off the memory.

Ida wondered why she was remembering that conversation now. For so many years, she had stored the tender memories deep in her subconscious. She took inventory of her surroundings. Maybe it was because Historia's humble orphanage resembled her old house in Shiganshina.

Ida had arrived here at the crack of dawn. The sudden arrival brought a cautious worry out of the barely awake Queen. When Historia asked something serious had happened, Ida merely shook her head and asked if they could talk. Though her dark complexion spoke otherwise, she assured Historia that everything was fine at the Survey Corps. Her wariness dissipating, the Queen nodded and led her into the farmhouse that was now her permanent residence.

Historia kindly invited her to breakfast. Throughout the meal, Ida observed that she had grown livelier the last she saw her. She would've enjoyed her company if Ida weren't so consumed with her thoughts. It was especially hard not to be reminded of all the things she wanted to escape from when she could hear the voices of the children playing in the fields from the sitting room of the orphanage. Ida was constantly reminded of her pain as they carried on their casual conversation about how everyone was doing.

The contents of the conversation sailed smoothly until they traveled on to a touchy topic.

"Do you like children, Ida?" Historia asked, sipping on her tea. They had finished breakfast and had moved onto tea. When Ida arched a brow, the Queen laughed, "You have been staring at the windows whenever the children scream. They can get rowdy when they are playing tag."

"I like them," Ida admitted softly. "They... seem to be really happy here."

Historia smiled sweetly and turned to the window. She pointed to a black-haired kid who was chasing his friends around. "That one is Benjamin. When he just arrived, he refused to talk or even eat. Both his parents died during the attack at Trost. His mother pushed him to safety and told him to run a while she baited the Titans. But now, he's just like a normal kid."

Ida followed her gaze, seeing a bright smile on Benjamin's face. He was definitely saved by a mother's love as well. Her stomach dropped. If she kept this child, would it smile like that as well?

"That's Lysa," Historia pointed to a ginger-haired child in pigtails. "She's one of the children you rescued from the Underground City. She wants to join the Survey Corps when she grows up in three years' time. She's a fan of yours. You should meet her."

A lump formed in her throat. "You must really like children too."

"My mother never loved me." Historia's eyes were gentle on her when she felt Ida's apprehension on that topic. "Don't worry, I'm over it. But it was probably because of my childhood that I wanted to give them something different. Children are innocent but yet they always pay the highest price for the sins the adults commit. Seeing their smiling faces is everything I could ever ask for."

Ida pushed her teacup away, suddenly losing her appetite. "Have you ever wanted children of your own?"

There was brief caution on Historia's face before she answered her question subtly. "Someday, maybe..."

Ida kept her inner turmoil at bay. A Queen at age fifteen. How strange it was. She was just a normal recruit a few months back and now she was one of humanity's most important assets. Ida gazed at her thoughtfully, sadly noting how similar they were in that regard.

The last heirs to their dynasty.

The royal family who kept the powers of the Titans, and her family who created the Titans.

One day, Historia would have to continue her bloodline as well. The constriction in her chest was growing tighter as she pondered over it. Being the last of the only bloodline capable of controlling the Founding Titan, the military was keeping Historia under tight protection. Ida miserably wondered if she dreaded giving birth to children knowing that they would be born into such a wretched dynasty that carried such heavy burdens.

It was that somber thought that became the catalyst for what occurred seconds later. The sounds of children playing enthusiastically accompanied her green eyes as they bloomed with a sudden bout of realization.

Slowly, purposely and intentionally, the reminder – Jaron's Starke's words – played in her head.

"The king sits on the throne and rules, the kingmaker is the power behind the throne. The king cannot be a king without the kingmaker, because he wouldn't have the power. And so, if a king so deemed himself a God, wouldn't that mean that it's possible for someone to create a God?"

"So, who is the true ruler, the king, or the kingmaker, Ida?"

"Victors can be uncertain, alliances can be unstable and even the power of kings can be fleeting."

The puzzle pieces were beginning to fall in front of Ida. Jaron was talking about the Starkes being the creators of the Titans and the Founding Titan's power that allows the royal family to triumph over any other. The Starkes were the kingmaker. Jaron wanted to overthrow the King.

"Past dogs of the King."

"Unfortunately, unruly dogs abandoned by their owner like you must be hunted and put down. And it's my duty to do so."

"I will never kneel before you, our ancestors never did, and neither would I!"

The Ackermans were known to be the dogs of the Kings, duty-bound to protect him for life. But they were prosecuted because of their ability to withstand the Founding Titan's powers of memory alteration. And the one who prosecuted them was Jaron Starke?

Why? Because it was his duty? Because the king ordered him to?

No. It didn't seem right. This was Jaron that she was talking about. He was never loyal to the king, he never did anything that didn't benefit him. The prosecution should've stopped when Kenny surrendered to Uri Reiss. So why did Jaron ask her to kill Mikasa and Levi because they carried the Ackerman name?

The last bout of insight came to her when she remembered what Jaron once said to her when she asked why the Ackermans needed to die.

"They are a threat to us, and you will scorch this snake nest to the ground before it turns on us."

"Bastard or not, you're a Starke; you share our blood."

"A name means everything in a world like this, and we, who inherit the will of our ancestors will see to complete it. It is our destiny, one that you share, whether you like it or not. This is the power of names, Ida."

"Oh God," Ida uttered breathlessly. She ran her shaking fingers through her hair. Her mind was swirling.

Us? Jaron wasn't referring to humanity then. The Ackermans were a threat, but not to humanity as Seth told me or to old monarchy's rule, but to the Starkes alone, Ida concluded with bewilderment.

That snake Seth was either lying or misinformed. Jaron wanted them dead not because the Ackermans rebelled against the king or because they were immune to memory manipulation, but because of something else. A motive that he carried by himself.

Because they were a threat to her family.

Her uncle detested their existence because he felt threatened by them.

But why? Ida closed her eyes in dismay. Why were they a threat? So much so that it would send someone like Jaron scrambling to exterminate them? Because he wanted to overthrow the king and he feared the Ackermans would protect him? But the Ackermans were no longer loyal to the king.

No, the bigger question was why was there a need for Ackermans to protect the royal family when they were said to possess the most powerful and greatest Titan?

"Ida?" Historia probed gently, noticing how silent she was. "Are you alright?"

"Historia," Ida sat up straighter. "About why I came here. I have something important to ask you."

Historia frowned at the sudden seriousness in her tone. "What is it?"

"Did you know anything else about the Ackermans? Something that your mother might have told you, or your father?"

Confusion glinted in the Queen's eyes but she began to enlighten her. "When... I was captured by Kenny Ackerman, he brought me to Rod Reiss," she began unsteadily. Though Historia tried to hide it, Ida caught the resentment in her voice. "Rod said that I could trust Kenny and that he wouldn't hurt me. He said that centuries ago the Ackerman was created for the sole purpose of listening to orders from the royal family and to protect them from any external threats."

"Created?"

Historia shrugged. "I don't know what he meant by that. Maybe they ennobled that family, I'm not really sure."

Dead end. Ida felt her disappointment crash on her. She rubbed her nose bridge irritably. Fuck. Historia was her only hope left. The previous monarchy had made sure that there were no written records about the true history of the world.

"Ida is there something wrong? Why are you suddenly asking about the Ackermans? Is Mikasa and Captain okay?"

Ida gave her a tired smile. "No, it's nothing. Don't worry about it."

She didn't want to worry her. Though as the rightful Queen, Historia was entitled to know about the findings of the Survey Corps, Ida reasoned that until she had all the facts laid out, she shouldn't jump to any hasty conclusions.

Instinctively, her hand went to her stomach. Half-Ackerman, half-Starke. For some reason, Ida dreaded thinking about it. She didn't know why, but something was telling her that this child was never supposed to exist.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"How is it?"

It was late into the afternoon when she arrived back at the headquarters and went straight to Erwin's office. Normally, Ida would be more hesitant about having the talk with her father, but with the expedition just two days away, there was no longer any more time for procrastination.

"It's delicious." Erwin placed the teacup down. "You're quite skilled at brewing tea."

Her spirits lifted like a hot air balloon. The anxiety of the sensitive topic that she would eventually bring up aside, Ida had purposefully stocked up the Survey Corps' pantry with an assortment of tea leaves recently, she felt relieved that he enjoyed them.

"The tea leaves play a big part, but I wouldn't say that it's just because of that." Ida took a seat in front of him on the couch that was situated at the side of the large office. In between them, a small coffee table laid. "That midget made me brew his tea ever since I arrived as a form of punishment, so it's probably my experience too."

Erwin chucked at her reasoning. For a while, the pair simply enjoyed the companionable silence. Ida stared at the teacup in her hand in appreciation. She couldn't remember a time in the past where they just enjoyed a simple cup of tea with him.

If only she could travel back to the past. Ida would've shouted at her past self for being so foolish and stubborn, for putting her pride and spite first instead of spending the time to know him.

"The final meeting is scheduled for later."

She looked back at him when he broke the silence. Erwin seemed to be thinking about something as well.

Only momentarily distracted, he returned his focus to her, "Why are you here? I doubt you came here earlier to hand in your report or to give me a cup of tea."

Ida squared her jaw at Erwin's straightforward observation. She should've known nothing could ever get past him. She set her teacup down and took a deep inhalation. Best she get it over and done with.

"I'm having a manor that I have inherited in Trost renovated." Her voice was soft, remorseful even. "And… I'd like for us to live there when the renovations are done."

He gave her an odd look. "What?"

"As a family." Ida elaborated, her heart racing in nervousness. "Levi can come live with us if he wants, I mean, there's room… Uhm… I haven't really… discussed him with this yet, but most of all… I just..."

She trailed off. The cool air continued to murmur around her. Ida hated it when Erwin remained silent with that dark look on his face. Such acts preceded him saying something unpleasant that she would likely not agree with.

"Unfortunately, my duties as Commander of the Survey Corps—"

"Your duties end the moment you find out the truth of the world, it ends when we reach the basement." Ida said, her stubbornness set within her. "Honestly, Erwin, there's no damned dream worth suffering through."

Erwin wearily closed his eyes at her defiance, knowing immediately what this conversation was about. "If you're thinking of asking me to withdraw from the upcoming expedition. Sadly, even if it's coming from you, I'd have to decline."

His determination began to aggravate her patience. "You lost an arm, Erwin. I do not need the best tactical mind to know that you're practically useless as a soldier on the battlefield, just a piece of meat waiting to be eaten." When she saw the uncooperative look in his eyes, she hastened to add, "What mankind needs is for you to stay alive."

"I need to be on the battlefield for my soldiers, it's my duty."

"Battlefield? Soldiers?" Ida snubbed her nose. "Not because of the basement?"

She could sense that Erwin didn't like where this topic was threading. "Yes, the basement plays a big part too. I won't lie to you, I need to be there when we reach the basement."

"If you're still alive that is," she muttered bitterly.

He arched a brow. "I thought we've already discussed this. This operation will be dangerous, but humanity is riding on our success. I have to be there, even if I am to be bait—"

"I won't let you die," Ida snapped, upset that the conversation had turned out exactly as she predicted. "You owe me too damned much."

He only regarded her with the same gentle gaze. "I know."

Her scowl faded when she saw his expression. Ida knew that she was being selfish for asking such a thing when she had practically explained to Hanji why Erwin was needed in the upcoming expedition. It was a contradiction for her to feel this way, but she couldn't help it.

She sighed. If she couldn't convince him, she could only hope that Levi could.

"I'm aware that I do not have the authority to overrule your decisions, but I just thought I would try once."

"I hope you understand my reasonings, Ida."

"Still…" Ida murmured. "Even if you must go on the upcoming expedition, I'd like for you to retire when you come back." When Erwin looked like he was about to combat her, she hastily added, "I'm not asking you to retire completely — the manor is in Trost, it's near the Survey Corps headquarters. You can still play a vital role in mankind's battle for freedom. It's just that… you won't be in constant danger. There's no need for you to be at the battlefield any longer, let Hanji take command."

Erwin opened his mouth, ready to argue. "Ida—"

"I've never asked anything from you, Erwin. This is the first time. I'm not asking you to give up on your dreams, I'm not asking you to stop. I've conceded this much already. The moment you find out the truth of the world, you would've lost all your purpose. I'm giving you another purpose: just live. For me."

It was a low move to make; to use Erwin's guilt towards her against him. But if this meant that he would never have to step into the battlefield again and that he would continue living despite how much he wanted to repent, Ida thought it was a small price to pay.

His expression mirrored hers when he shook his head. "This goes beyond just my dreams. I have a duty to humanity. Whatever we find in that basement… if it is what I think it is, then we have to prepare countermeasures."

"You just want to repent," Ida accused, a little too caustically.

Erwin was silent for a moment before a sigh escaped him. "Yes, I won't argue with you if it's that obvious."

Crestfallen, Ida pressed her lips together. "What about repenting for what you did to me?" she asked quietly. "For what you did to Elsie? Have you ever thought about how I would feel?"

Erwin's frown was immediate and he looked as if someone had just shot him in the chest. He was quiet for a long while, lost in his own contemplation. It was clear he was considering all the options available.

He looked away. "I can't do that."

"Why?"

"Because this is the price I have to pay," Erwin answered. "I can't stand behind while my men fight for me. Not after all that I have done."

"This isn't about that," she argued. "Just think of it as your duty to humanity then, we need you to stay alive more than anything."

Seconds passed until Ida grew impatient. "Please."

"Let me think about it," he said begrudgingly. "When we come back from the expedition, I'll give you my answer."

The smile that bloomed on her lips was genuine. "Alright."

Relieved at her small victory, Ida retrieved her teacup from the table. The warmth from the porcelain comforted her. Frankly, it was more than what she had bargained for. Now, all she had to do was to wait for Levi to broach this topic with him as well. Maybe on the account of how close the both was, Erwin would be more inclined to listen to him.

The tension between the two of them disappearing, Ida fastened her eyes on the silent Commander. Truth to God, she felt guilty for using that card on him. She knew Erwin was more selfless than he made himself out to be.

Though her father may doubt himself, humanity would always be the top of his priority. Just like Levi, she thought sadly. Ida cast her thoughts back to the secret she had been holding. There was no way they'd allow her to go if they knew.

"Erwin," she heard herself saying before she could stop herself.

He faced her attentively. "Yes?"

"Do you... think that Elsie regretted having me?"

She could tell Erwin was calculating the severity of her sudden question. "You shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to her; it is what she would've wanted."

His reply made her feel slightly better. She knew it deep within her heart already, but she needed someone to verbalize it for her.

"All she did was continue the bloodline of the wretched dynasty of the Starkes," Ida said bitterly. "The devil's child; forever to be condemned by this world."

"I don't think that's how she thought of it."

"What about you then? Do you regret that I was born?"

His distressed blue eyes flickered to the window. Ida wasn't sure what Erwin was thinking about, and what he realized, but he seemed at peace with himself when he returned his gaze to her. There was no more reservation in his eyes, only genuine sincerity.

"If there's one thing that I have done right in my life, Ida, it is you."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

"Just what do you think is in there?" Hanji Zoe asked.

All the Squad Leaders' attention turned to their Commander, waiting for his input. They were discussing the findings of Grisha Yeager that Keith Shadis had provided them. It was never more obvious that the key to every unsaid question the Survey Corps had was in Grisha's basement.

Erwin's stern blue eyes stared ahead at each of the veterans.

"Something that couldn't be said, no…" he hastily corrected himself, "something that Grisha couldn't have said even if he wanted to: the memories of the world that the first Reiss King erased from our memories."

Ida's mind wandered throughout the discussion. She should've paid more attention to the meeting, but with her current predicament, she was finding it to be quite a challenge.

Her gaze landed on Levi who was seated near the wall, far away from the table where she was. Though he kept his expression stoic, Ida was convinced from his body language that he was worried. It was obvious to her that he was thinking about Erwin.

Suddenly, he turned and locked eyes with her. Ida gave him a sheepish smile which he responded with a subtle arch of his brow. Seeing this, she surreptitiously gestured to Erwin with her eyes and Levi scowled darkly in response. She nodded, knowing it was his way of saying he would talk to him later.

"In another matter entirely, Ida had another vision." Erwin narrated in a matter-of-factly tone, bringing her back to the meeting. "Based on our previous findings, we do know that whatever she sees is accurate."

"Frankly, I still don't get how this power of her works," Klaus sighed.

"To put it in simpler terms," Erwin supplied, "it's a glimpse into the past just like how Eren manages to see his father's memories."

"But up till now, we've always thought that the Will of Odina was only capable of seeing Jaron Starke's memories," Ida added, "but based on my recent visions I don't think that's the case."

Hanji tapped her finger on the desk as she scanned the report that Ida had drafted. "Armors on soldiers that look dated, the Female and Armoured Titan fighting each other…" she read the report, "the current Female and Armoured Titan are comrades, I can see why you don't think these memories belong to the current timeline."

"I did see the walls as well in the later visions," Ida said. "I don't think all the visions in the report belong to the same person. Personally, I think it descends from the oldest to the later ones."

"So basically it's a big shit bag of memories from dead people we don't know about?" Levi growled from the side.

"From the Starkes ancestors, I'm guessing," Erwin frowned. "Hanji, what are your thoughts?"

"I agree with you," Hanji replied. "We've always assumed that Eren could see his father's memories because his father was the previous holder of his Titan, but maybe that doesn't apply to Ida. She isn't a Titan Shifter, we can't make an assumption for her based on what we know from Eren."

"Wait." Dirk's expression was troubled. "Doesn't this mean that she could see her ancestor's memories?"

Marlene's eyes rounded with realization. "But that'd mean that…"

"She's capable of gaining information about the world before humanity retreated to the walls, perhaps even the creation of the first Titan Ymir." Erwin concluded flatly. "I think this is what Elsie Starke was referring to when she said that the Starke's bloodline is special."

"The walls..." Harold breathed, staring at her with wide eyes. "What the hell…"

"Elsie and Grisha knew each other," Erwin brought everyone's focus back to the main topic. "The military has already searched all the Starke residences and found nothing that relates to this. I believe that while we're at Shiganshina, we should check the house that Ida and her mother lived in as well."

Klaus sighed tiredly, rubbing his temples. He stared at her skeptically, "Your family is really one of a kind, huh?"

Ida shrugged and said nothing.

"She really is one of a kind," Hanji agreed softly. For some reason, it didn't sit well with Ida how Hanji said it. Her suspicion was validated when Hanji turned to Erwin. "Which is why in light of this new information, I think that we should place Ida on standby if a battle were to occur."

"What?!" Ida stood up, gawking at Hanji's suggestion. "No! I don't think—"

"That'd be for the best as well."

Ida froze at the voice of the one person who affected her most in this world. She hurled her dirtiest glare at Levi. The insistent quivering of her heart commenced and she fought for composure.

Fuck. This wasn't what she had planned, she wanted to fight side by side with him.

Levi ignored her glare. "I've been saying this for a long ass time, Erwin. That shitty brat is the last Starke, we need her alive."

"Yes," Erwin bobbed his head. To Ida's dismay, resolution clouded his voice, "Ida Starke shall be placed on standby when we arrive at Shiganshina. Unless absolutely necessary, she would not place herself in danger."

"Ridiculous! Are you even hearing yourself?!" Ida argued angrily. "If a battle were to occur, you should fucking send me straight away! I'd be able to—"

"Ida." Erwin interrupted her rant sternly. "With the recent revelations of the Will of Odina, humanity cannot afford to lose you. We still don't know what lies in Grisha Yeager's basement. If all else fails, mankind still has you. We'll still be able to learn the truth of this world."

She opened her mouth, ready to argue. "But—"

"I should omit you enitrely from this expedition like Queen Historia," Erwin interjected again. "But given our situation, your skills are a necessary asset we cannot afford to simply dismiss, not when we need all the manpower. My decision is final."

Her fists pressed her sides, Ida was silent, her mind actively churning a retort, but it was futile. She knew the look on Erwin's face, he had made his decision. An aggravated groan bubbled out of her throat when she begrudgingly sat back down.

Defeated, Ida shot a searing glare at Levi, and then Hanji. Damn them both.

It wasn't until she saw Hanji avoiding her glare did the light of realization dimmed in her eyes.

She brought it up intentionally so that I wouldn't have to fight, Ida concluded in miserable betrayal.

Anxiety clawed at her when she peered back at Levi. She knew that he agreed because he wanted to keep her safe too. Her mind started swirling with endless questions. She felt nothing but guilt pelting over her when she stared at him.

Satisfied with her compliance, Erwin got back to the meeting, "As of today, the preparations have all been completed. The operation to retake Wall Maria will commence two days from now. This meeting is dismissed."

The Squad Leaders dispersed one by one and continued their casual conversation. Ida followed them miserably, the reminder of how she was on standby spinning mockingly in her mind.

"What are you afraid of?" Harold nudged Klaus, laughing. He looked at her. "We have Ida here, don't we?"

"Huh?"

"We were thinking of serving meat today," Dirk enlightened her. "You know, the best last meal for the scouts."

Klaus grinned like a mischievous wolf. "We have to show the kids they can depend on the adults once in a while."

"Sure," Ida smiled, guessing what they needed her for. "Order however much you like, I'll pick up the tab."

The veterans cheered enthusiastically. Meanwhile, Ida realized that her Captain was trailing behind them. "Levi?"

"Go ahead first."

There was an underline of subtle anger in his tone. It was a tone that Ida caught and a tone she was bothered with. She wanted to ask him what was going on, but then she understood. Levi wanted to have a talk with Erwin. Nodding once to him, she crossed the room. This was good news for her as well. She wanted to have a private talk with Hanji too.

To her surprise, Hanji was already waiting for her by the door.

They walked side by side in silence until they were in the safe confines of her office.

Ida wasted no time confronting her. "Why did you do that?"

She exhaled loudly and closed the door, saying nothing. Hanji was frustrated at her question. She could see it in her eyes. Despite this, she kept her composure when she replied, "I did say that I'd keep your secret. However, I never said that I wouldn't try to keep you out of harm's way. You're in no condition to fight."

"I'm pregnant, not fucking disabled," Ida growled stubbornly. She knew how immature she sounded, but it couldn't be helped.

"You know why I'm doing this." Though Hanji's voice was soft, it was powerful enough to lift the walls she had begun to place up. "Ida, you're still going on the expedition. Why do you want to fight so badly? And don't say you don't care about this child, because that's not you."

"It's my duty," Ida insisted. "I'm a human weapon and I should be used, not standing by and watching everyone fight!"

Hanji made a distressed sound. "You're not just a human weapon. Before anything you should think of yourself." Her gaze dropped to her stomach area. "Of the both of you."

She resisted the urge to touch her stomach and look away shamefully.

"Hopefully, we'll do fine without you and there's no need for you to fight," Hanji added, "I know you want to protect Levi and the rest, but should trust them too. Believe in your comrades."

Ida would've laughed loudly at her statement if she wasn't so confliced.

A silence skipped between them before Ida spoke with trauma embedded in her eyes.

"Trust?" Ida chuckled bitterly. "Hanji, the last time I trusted my squad and believed in their strengths… they died. I left them, and they died because of it. My trust and my immaturity killed them."

She wrapped her arms tightly around herself and averted her eyes elsewhere. "Don't you see? I can't forgive myself if I just sit back and something happens to my family. I can't go through that again. I can't."

Hanji's brows furrowed at her confession that was throbbing with despair. If the light of realization in her brown eyes gave any indication, it was obvious to Ida that she understood that this was the reason why she was so adamant about fighting.

She brought up a different question instead. "Have you told him yet?"

Ida smiled dejectedly to herself. Her eyes were trained on the window. She had heard Hanji's question, but she didn't feel the need to answer it. She was too lost in other thoughts.

"Ida? Are you going to tell Levi?"

"I can't tell him," Ida admitted with anguish. "Not yet. He should be focused on retaking Wall Maria. I can't… do that to him. He wouldn't want this."

"Don't you think you're thinking too little of him?"

She smiled wearily and said nothing. Hanji didn't understand the depth of their relationship like she did, she didn't understand them. Levi could love her with all his soul, but it would never be enough. She would never be his first priority.

"I have never seen Levi care for someone the way he cares for you," Hanji said. "Just the other day, he admitted to me that he thought about a future with you. He's changed, Ida. I can see it, why can't you?"

She knew Hanji was speaking the truth. It should've made her happy to hear that, any other time Ida was convinced she would feel butterflies in her stomach, but not today. It only made her feel worse.

"It's not about that," Ida murmured, staring blankly at the stone wall. "If I tell him now, he'll make me stay behind the walls. You know it's true. And I can't – not when I know he will be out there risking his life. It's selfish, I know... but I need to be next to him."

Hanji heaved a heavy exhale at her resolution. "I don't know if I can keep this secret for long. Frankly, this is eating me up as well."

"Please," Ida pleaded, holding on to Hanji just as she was about to leave. Her hold on her friend was strong. It was just as strong as her desperate eyes, which was beckoning her to consider her request. "Don't say a word. When we come back, I'll tell him myself. Please, Hanji, do it for me."

Hanji was quiet for a long while, lost in her own contemplation. When she spoke, Ida had anticipated her to ask why she was so selfish and foolish. She had anticipated her to ask her how she became so cowardly. The next words out of her mouth took Ida by surprise.

"It must be hard on you too, huh?"

Hanji was attentive when she awaited her answer. The content of her own question surprised her too.

Ida deliberated her question. What a dangerous question to ask someone who was barely holding onto her composure. Out of a sudden, tears stroked her lips and she realized that she was crying. She had never cried in front of anyone else other than Levi, so it shocked her to see the tears escape her.

And just like that, the walls she had painstaking put up crumbled around her one by one.

"Yes… it's hard… I don't know what to do..."

In the timeframe when Ida finally answered brokenly, Hanji took her in her arms as a big sister would. It broke her heart to know that her friend was suffering. Appreciative of the warm gesture, Ida couldn't stop thanking her and hugging her.

"I know," Hanji murmured softly. "I know… it'll be okay."

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

On the last night before the operation, a party was thrown for all the scouts in the mess hall where everyone was treated to a rare meal containing meat. Harold was pleased with his plan until fights started breaking out over the tables. Ida sighed, she knew who the source of the commotion was without even looking up from her plate.

Thankfully, the rabid Sasha was restrained quickly by her squad. But just Ida thought that everything was going well, a fight ensued between Eren and Jean instead. The veterans at her table promptly decided that they wanted nothing to do with it and continued indulging in their meat. With no one to interfere, the rowdy soldiers cheered at the brawl happening. Ida was just about to intercede in the fight when Levi suddenly appeared and violently broke the fight up before sending them to bed.

Ida was surprised to see him. Levi had said he wouldn't be joining the 'shitty celebrations'. She wouldn't have come too if it wasn't for Hanji's insistence. Since the meeting, Ida hardly spoke a word to him, and Levi didn't make any effort to actively pursue a conversation either. She knew something was disturbing him, but she was too busy with her own problems to find out why.

By the time Ida finished her meal, she decided that she couldn't keep avoiding him. It was their last night before they returned to Shiganshina and she was determined to spend it with him.

That goal in mind, after Ida had sneakily given a bawling Sasha a large chunk of meat to placate her, she set out to find him.

Her tentative green eyes wandered across the room. Did he leave already? Though Levi was nowhere in sight, he was still somewhere in the headquarters. Ida's brows bunched together in confusion. She was strolling through the mess hall when her eyes landed on the door that led to the exit.

He couldn't be outside, right?

Eager to find out for herself, her legs took off in the direction of the exit. The night breeze billowed through her hair like curtains dancing in the wind. It didn't take her long to spot the one she was looking for.

Her heart soared when she saw him. Levi was seated on the floor with a cup of ale next to him, his back resting comfortably against the wall. He wore a long-sleeved grey top and black pants. The surroundings were quiet, leaving Levi to enjoy the relaxed ambiance with closed eyes. The tranquillity was probably the reason why he left the mess hall.

"Hey," Ida greeted warmly.

She did her best to hide the big smile fighting to bloom unto her lips. If the outpouring of butterflies that flew in her stomach gave any indication, then Ida had no doubt that she was excited to see him. Levi had always had that effect on her. All her troubles, although they still existed, appeared far away when she was with him.

"What are you doing here?"

Even though his tone gave no indication of how he felt, she knew from the slight widening of his eyes that he was happy to see her too.

"Finding you," Ida said, secretly happy that they were communicating again. "Why are you sitting here?"

"I had a lot of my mind and the shitty brats were making one hell of a noise." He drew his eyes away from her. "Go back inside."

Ignoring his instructions, Ida sat down next to him. Though Levi scoffed, there was a slight curve of a smile on his face that told her he wasn't that upset. Nevertheless, Levi didn't falter with his objective of kicking her back inside. "Go and rest, I don't want to deal with you being tired tomorrow, we're leaving by sunset."

Ida shook her head, stubbornness embedded inside her.

Levi wearily closed his eyes at her defiance. "Ida—"

"I miss you," she interjected swiftly. There was no filtering of her answer. It was the cold, hard truth.

The sternness in his face softened when he opened his eyes. "What?"

Under different circumstances, Ida would be quick to retract that statement so she wouldn't appear too vulnerable. However, at this moment, she had too much on her mind. She wanted to be with Levi and talk to him again. She no longer cared about looking vulnerable. "I miss you, and you look like something is troubling you."

"Nothing is troubling me."

She peered at the ale next to him. "Drinking? I hardly see you drink."

A 'tch' escaped him at her observation. His eyes rested on the cup beside him. Levi enclosed his hands around it and handed it to her. "Take it, you probably could use some of this too."

Strangely, her thoughts immediately went to the child growing inside of her. "I'm good tonight."

From his frown, she knew that Levi was surprised she rejected it. The Ida he knew had never rejected alcohol.

Suspicious of her intentions, he glared at her. "If you're going to drink, best you do it around me, you're a damn nuisance when you're drunk and I'd hate to deal with that shit again."

"I really don't feel like drinking," Ida gave him a sheepish smile. "Really, go ahead without me."

He stared at her oddly, before he realized she wasn't kidding. His scowl softened and he took a large swig of his ale before setting it down beside him again. Ida felt a pang of searing guilt and she shifted uncomfortably. She prayed that he hadn't caught on, though it was unlikely.

Feigning a smile, Ida tried to make casual conversation. "I fed Sasha some extra meat, so I doubt the brats would make another ruckus again tonight."

Levi grunted grumpily in response. A companionable silence surrounded them as the minutes passed. Despite the unconventional area to sit at, Ida enjoyed sitting on the floor with him. She felt safe. It was a mere assumption on her part, but she had an inkling that he shared in the same contentment.

"It hurts, damn it, why didn't any of you stop me?"

Surprised, she looked at the direction of Eren's groaning voice.

Armin, who was supporting a limping Eren, smiled sheepishly. "Well I knew if you got hurt it would heal up quickly, so I just watched."

The pair, accompanied by Mikasa, settled at the staircases. Ida made a movement to get off from the floor and out from their hiding spot behind the pillar when she saw them, but she was stopped when Levi grabbed her hand. She stared at him, confused, but she obliged and settled back next to him.

They were silent for under duration when the trio talked. Ida was curious about why they were eavesdropping on their conversations, but she didn't say anything. Instead, she was more intrigued by how Levi looked as he listened in. A deep contemplative expression had graced his hard features.

Piqued with curiosity by what had gotten him so disturbed, Ida listened in with him.

She felt strange listening to Eren's doubts. The boy was so honest about his worries and his fears as he confessed to his friends how useless he felt once. Ida was surprised how Eren was jealous of why he wasn't as strong as Mikasa, Levi, and her. But most of all, Ida was relieved to hear that he understood that no one could do anything by themselves and it's by joining together that makes them powerful. It seemed to her that he had taken her advice to heart.

"Once… we get back Wall Maria and defeat all the enemies coming for us, would those happy days come back...?" Mikasa's voice was despondent.

Meanwhile, Ida silently observed Levi's expression. It had grown darker since.

"We'll bring it back," Eren said resolutely. "But some things are forever changed."

"But it's more than that…" Armin paused, and suddenly his voice took a jovial shift. "…the sea!"

The conflict swirling in Levi's haunting gray eyes was clear when he listened to Armin's innocent enthusiasm for the world outside the walls. This was his moment of vulnerability, Ida realized sadly. It might be merely her assumption, but she was sure that he was thinking about his past. Maybe about Isabel and Farlan. Her heart ached at the thought. Perhaps they had discussed the same things once long ago.

Her hand landed on his arm. His empty eyes met hers and at that moment, Ida felt her heart grow heavier. She struggled to keep the sadness away from her expression. She could feel the pain that he felt and she couldn't help but be affected by it.

How could she not be affected when it was Levi who was suffering so much by himself?

She mustered a smile. "Let's go. Shall we take a walk?"

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Ida was surprised when Levi agreed to take a walk with her. She was surprised because the abrasive man wasn't normally this compliant. He typically had a lot to say and would be arguing with her, telling her that it was a waste of time and that everything was fine.

It could be that he was thinking of something, but Levi was quiet as they left the narrow alleyway. Though the haunting look on his expression never ceased to fade, he was quiet when they wandered the empty streets. He was even quiet when Ida, wanting a distraction, held his hand even though she knew that others might see them. He was quiet while they walked for fifteen minutes.

Levi was quiet until Ida couldn't stand the silence anymore. "I know you're a heartless asshole, but isn't ignoring me for this long a little much?"

"Tch." He glared at her. "You're the one ignoring me, brat. I figured you wanted some time to yourself."

She smiled sadly to herself. Nothing would ever get past him. She should've known.

"Erwin is going on the operation tomorrow," Levi brought up the topic as casually as he could, his eyes wandering ahead. The flat tone of his voice indicated that he wanted to get this over and done with. "That stubborn bastard wouldn't listen."

Ida felt her chest tightened and a plethora of mixed emotions pelted her. So, this is why he is so bitter. Even he couldn't convince him...

She bobbed her head and tried to maintain her stoicism. "I figured that would happen, it's his dream after all."

Levi snorted sarcastically. "That's one hell of a shitty dream."

"Everyone has one," Ida said quietly. "Dreams are the things that keep us motivated to fight."

"Tsk. I don't know which one of them is stupider, that bastard or that brat Armin's."

Walking down the empty lit streets, Ida darted her curious eyes over to him. As she had suspected, he was affected by the trio's conversation. Perturbed, she prompted him to talk, "I know something is bothering you..."

After some hesitation, Levi finally compiled. "I'm worried about a lot of things," he scowled. "Those shitty kids. That bastard, Erwin. You. The scouts. What happens after we get to that damn basement... what happens if we lose… what happens if we win…"

She frowned a little. "What happens if we win?"

"A ridiculous thing to be worried about," he said with a sharp edge. "I forget how young those brats were. Talking about crap like the sea or whatever, never heard of that."

"It's a lake of salt water that stretches past the horizon endlessly."

He narrowed his eyes at her. Ida knew he was wondering how she knew about that so she enlightened him with a piece of the past, "Armin used to talk about it all the time, he said that there's so much salt in it that all the world's merchants could never finish collecting."

"Sounds insane," Levi commented dryly.

"When all of this is over… would you like to visit there with me?"

His narrowed eyes grew strangely troubled and Ida almost regretted asking that question. Before she could even rescind her words, he had answered, "You really think that after this battle is over, that we'll be able to just go sightseeing out there?"

"Well, it's my dream," Ida bit her lip, not liking how vulnerable she sounded, "I want a world without Titans or war. A peaceful world where everyone is free to do as they please. A world where everyone is free not only in death but when they are alive."

Her honest words were met with a huff of derision, though Ida got the feeling that it wasn't meant towards her. Levi kept walking. Ida knew him well enough to recognize his silence as an attempt to calm his own agitation.

"You have a dream too, Levi."

Suddenly, he stopped and his expression was one of superficial curiosity. Ida feigned a smile and reminded him of their days at the cabin, "A tea shop, remember?"

Levi stared at her wide-eyed for a moment. Then he understood. "That? Tch, I can't even imagine a world without having to fight." He gave her a chiding look. "Ever since I was a damned kid, I've been alone and had to fight to live."

She schooled her features into a look of determination. "I don't think that there's wrong with having a childish dream. Look at Armin, that kid… even now he isn't thinking just about the basement, but he wants to see the world beyond… that's why I can't help but root for him."

"That bastard had a 'childish' dream once," Levi growled fiercely. "And look what fucking became of it."

She felt as if he had just slapped her across the face with that. Levi was worried about Erwin, and she could understand him completely. What had once begun as a childish dream for her father had become a crippling resolve and the source of all his anguish and self-conflict. Erwin was now a broken man, crushed by the very dream that became his only will to live, and buried under the burdens of being the commander.

"He'll survive," she tried to comfort him, attempting to keep her voice strong. "He always does remember? Foolish dream or not, that stubborn man has to survive whether he wants to or not."

Levi grunted irritably in reply. She sighed miserably at his reaction. "Even then, I still don't think that it's wrong to dream."

From the rising frustration on his face, Ida knew Levi thought of her to be naïve and foolish. "Yeah, until it fucking eats you up inside," he grumbled. "Stubborn bastard."

She held his hand back when he wanted to continue walking again. Her grip tightened on him slightly, and she set her jaw when she met his eyes. For a frozen moment, they gazed at one another in a sort of silent understanding for what Ida felt must have been for eternity, yet still wasn't quite long enough, before Levi finally moved.

A hand reached to push wayward red strands of hair from her eyes. Ida leaned into his touch, and he brushed a thumb across her cheek. She could see the small furrow of his brows and the tightening of his jaw.

Why is it that even now, you're still afraid of harboring hope? She wanted to ask him, but she didn't.

Because deep down, Ida knew the answer already.

Because for years, Levi had always been alone. For years, he had learned the hard way. That it was better not to have any expectations. That the world was merciless and unforgiving. That dreams, no matter how innocent, would eventually become a shackle that would turn on the dreamer.

But it was a sad and excruciatingly painful way to live.

"I'll make sure that world exists," Ida promised with stubbornness, "whatever it takes, we'll go see the sea together and one day, we'll open that stupid tea shop."

He frowned at her determination, the heaviness of her words raining down on him. While Levi stared at her with an empty expression, her hand instinctively went for her stomach. And maybe, I'll even give you a family...

Something else to dream about...

Something else to live for…

Ida steeled herself inwardly and made a resolve to tell him everything when they returned.

Because at that moment, the complications of everything were far away from her now. The Survey Corps, the Starkes, her duty. All that matters to her then was her child. Their child.

Despite being born into a wretched dynasty carved from sin, there was no doubt in Ida's mind that she would love it unconditionally. She would do anything to protect it. And Levi, he would be a terrific father.

Just one more battle to fight and one more war to end. Ackermans, Starkes... Titans, their enemies, the war… all her worries were so, so far away now.

Because why does it matter when she could fill the hollow space of this broken man of stone with more pleasant dreams and hopes?

But will Levi want that? Would he want this child?

No, the bigger question was… would they even survive?

As though reading her morbid thoughts, Levi's eyes grew darker. "I won't let anything happen to you," he promised breathlessly as he cupped her cheek, "so fucking promise me. Don't do anything rash and listen to orders, be on standby beside Erwin. Then, we'll go see that stupid sea together."

Resolve shrouded his features when she didn't reply. His eyes held hers and promised unwavering protection. "That's an order, Ida. Whatever you fucking want, let's do it. But till then, until we find out whatever the hell is in that shitty basement, survive."

She smiled softly at him and felt her heart soar. But Ida couldn't answer him, and neither could she promise something like that. So instead, she settled for bringing her lips to his. Her kiss was slow and steady. Surprised as Levi was with the sudden kiss, soon she felt his fingers dug into her waist with a needy force.

She closed her eyes and kissed him, her nose brushing against his cheek as he held her.

She'd seen a strong man weak today, but it didn't make her think any less of him. Ida couldn't promise him that she won't join the battle, so instead, she settled for conveying her love and loyalty to him through the kiss. Until all his troubles disappeared into the tranquility of their last night before the battle, she'd rescue him and give him hope.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

Darkness draped the room like an ominous shadow, yet the pair who were entangled in the bed felt nothing but peace. A lone candle flickered on the table but Levi couldn't bring himself to get out of bed to put it out.

With the soft moonlight streaming through the window panes on them, he ran his calloused fingers through her soft red hair as he stared blankly at the ceiling.

Eyes closed; Ida looked positively breath-taking in his arms. Her sleeping face was pressed to his shoulder, a small hand on his chest, right above his heart. Levi knew she liked hearing his heartbeat. Not because it was a sweet sappy shit she liked to do, but for a more morbid reason: because it reminded her that he was still alive.

While the conflicted emotions surged through him like a charging Titan, he grasped her hand on his chest and gave it a light squeeze. One on hand, he couldn't deny that he was worried about the operation tomorrow, but on the other hand, he couldn't feel more at peace tonight.

His dreams, his hope, his future…

His Ida.

Levi was aware that something was bothering her. No matter how proficient she was in hiding something from him, any change in her behavior, however small it was, was obvious to him. Ida had always looked for him every day ever since they got back from the cabin. Ever since that incident when she fainted, something was eating her up from within.

But at this rare moment… this transient peace before the storm…

Levi couldn't be more satisfied with her presence and so he didn't pressure her to talk. He scanned her sleeping face greedily, soaking in the very image of the woman who had stolen every inch of his once stubborn heart.

He had thought she was asleep until he suddenly heard her speak. "Are you still awake?"

"Go to sleep," he mumbled in the darkness. "It's late."

She pulled the covers up her shoulder and rolled to the other side. "I can't sleep, let's talk."

Levi closed his eyes tiredly. From the subtle sharpness in her tone, he knew she wanted to talk about something that would probably be unpleasant for him. "Shut up and go back to sleep."

"Five minutes," she insisted concisely. "Just for five more minutes."

He didn't answer her, and she rolled back to face him. Ida placed an open hand in between them. Levi knew what she wanted. He reached up to clasp her hand. The warmness of her palm seeped into him as he curled his fingers with hers.

She was silent for a moment longer, then her lips parted hesitantly.

"No matter what happens, you have to be happy."

Her eyes seemed to search his, and for a moment Levi wasn't sure what she was talking about. Then it dawned on him.

Ida was talking of what would happen if she were to die on the operation tomorrow.

She wanted him to be happy. Without her. She wanted him to move on.

Fuck this.

He retracted his hand swiftly, recoiling from the very thought. "Stop this," he snarled dangerously at her. "If you're going to talk about shit like this, then I don't want to fucking hear it."

He grabbed his jacket that was flung to the bedside table and made a movement to leave, but a strong grip on his arm prevented him from doing so. "Please, Levi, you have to listen."

His breath caught in his throat and all at once he felt choked with an unknown emotion.

"These days we have spent together, I'd be forever grateful for it. But this is our most dangerous mission to date… chances are… I might not return with you. If that happens, then don't ever blame yourself for it. Forget me and move on." Her grip on him grew tighter in desperation. "You have to move on, and you have to hope again."

Levi raked his fingers through his hair in frustration. Damn her. He took a moment to stare at the ceiling before returning his gaze to her. "Why are you so sure that I will return?"

Fuck.

That was shit. That was so shit. She probably thought about this for days on what she wanted to say, Ida was pouring her heart out. And that was the best he could come up with? That was the best he could do when the woman he loved was telling him to move on if she died?

He should've fucking assured her instead.

Compared to Ida, he was always at a disadvantage, he told himself. Especially when it came to clever words instead of physicality to express himself.

"You will," she smiled despite the sadness in her eyes.

"You don't know that." Levi was surprised by how broken he sounded. How miserable and weak his deadpan voice suddenly was.

Shrouded in darkness, Ida couldn't have looked more pained, and more excruciatingly alive to him. "You always will, because you are the strongest."

He stilled. How very different their thoughts were. They were two different beings – similar, yet so starkly different. Because right now, Levi thought that his chances of returning were far slimmer than hers. She was the last Starke. No matter how much Ida hated her last name, Levi was grateful that it at least meant that she was important to humanity.

Her very name would protect her. She wasn't a dispensable asset like him any longer.

"Nothing will happen to you," he pushed her grip off him roughly. "You think I'm just going to fucking sit by, watch you plunge yourself into a battle and allow you to die? Damn it, Ida. You are the last Starke. Why can't you fucking understand? Humanity cannot afford to lose you."

"The battlefield is unpredictable," she reasoned gently. "Even you can't take on an entire army or multiple Titan Shifters."

"Tch. Fucking watch me. I can give it a damn good go if it means keeping you safe."

"I know you will, but Levi no matter how much we try, sometimes… we need to do what's right."

For who? Levi wanted to ask. For mankind? Or for me?

Aware of how disgustingly selfish his train of thoughts was, he clenched his teeth and looked away in disgust for himself. Fuck this. Why the hell was she bringing this shit up now? Levi hated it when she talked like this, it was infuriating beyond means.

Because no matter how much his heart would lurch in denial, his rational mind couldn't help but agree with her.

Levi paused in his position when she sat up and wrapped her arms around him. His back was faced towards her, and it was clear he was listening to her every word. Ida went on strongly as she embraced him.

"No matter what happens, do not allow me to haunt you. I wouldn't want that. You have to move on, and you have to dream again."

Pain rippled through him while he listened. He turned to face her, squaring his jaw. He should've gotten angry. He should've screamed at her that he doubted he could ever recover if she left him, that she embodied his dreams and hope, that her demise would be his downfall.

But instead, Levi took her into his arms.

Because she was shaking. She was shaking uncontrollably.

She buried her face in his chest. Levi didn't know how long had passed, but they just sat there with his arms around her. He held her until she stopped shaking. Until her fears vanished in the warmness of his embrace.

And then, he spoke.

"Do you… even realize how damning what you just said is, even for someone like me?" His gaze grew more poignant. Ida struggled to steady her breathing as she listened to words that he knew would forever engrain themselves into her mind. "To realize that… just for once is in my shitty life, I wanted something – something that wasn't my duty, or what was fucking expected of me, only to know that…"

He closed his eyes depressingly, realizing an inexplicable truth that he couldn't escape from.

"…that one day I have to let you go too? Or that one day, I would have to leave you?"

Levi grabbed her arms and gently pushed her away. He allowed himself to look at her in the eye again. "I didn't choose this shitty life, Ida. I told you from the start – I fucking told you – I could offer you nothing, I warned you. But you didn't listen. You never fucking did. I told you not to get involved with a piece of shit like me because this is the price I have to pay for being the supposed shitty hero of humanity."

When he caught the despondence in her eyes, Levi went on quickly, dead set on sharing everything with her. "You would think after all that shit, it would've been easy for me to go on this operation, but it isn't." He paused. "Not when I fucking know, even without your damned shitty reminder, that there's a chance that one of us might not return."

Realizing that his chest was brimming with uncontrollable emotions, he released the grip on his arms. Her arms were red.

Fuck. He must've hurt her. Levi exercised his jaw and set his gaze elsewhere. Fuck. He hated this. It was at times like this that he hated her. It was aggravating beyond words. Levi hated that no matter how hard he tried to control himself around her, all she had to do with fucking blink, and he'll shower her with all the damn shitty attention in the world.

He hated how attached he had gotten to her. He hated it because he knew her demise would ultimately become his as well. She was damn crazy to be with him, but Levi reasoned that he was out of his mind as well.

In the tensed silence, they sat there, heavy with tumultuous emotion. It felt like an eternity had passed. Tears threatened to form in her eyes suddenly, and she raised her other hand in a swift attempt to wipe them away, praying he wouldn't notice. But he did.

"I didn't want this as well," she admitted softly

The pause was a short one that felt like hours for him. He regarded her silently.

Although Ida smiled, he knew that there was no veiling of her fear. "I'm afraid, Levi."

It was the honest truth, Levi realized. He knew what she was afraid of. Because no amount of shitty assurance from her could erase the lurking fear from him too. They haven't changed as a couple, but their future was still uncertain.

His gray eyes professed the same concern, but he only remained silent.

"But you're worth it," Ida assured. "You're the only one I can't afford to lose, the only one I would risk anything for, so no matter what happens, come back to me. You have to."

The level of resolution in her baritone sent a sudden chill the length of his spine. You are worth it too.

"Come here." He yanked her arm, bringing her back to her arms. She shifted to her back and pressed herself to his chest as he wrapped her arms around her frame. Levi found himself inhaling the sweet scent of her hair as he cherished the moment with her.

The foreboding operation to retake Wall Maria aside, Levi couldn't help but feel satisfied and pleased with that moment.

"It will be worth it," he found himself softly correcting her words to the crown of her red hair. Their future together would be worth every hell they would have to go through.

She seemed to have heard him when she nodded. A long pause, and then, "Our future…" she started hesitantly, "...I've been thinking about it nowadays..."

Ida shifted herself in his arms and looked at him. Levi brushed the strands of her hair away from her face. His lips twitched, he liked it when she talked about positive things. "What about it?"

"Stupid things really… things like what house we will live in when this war ends…"

Her fingers trailed up his chest while he caressed her face. "Somewhere preferably far away from four eyes," he said.

She laughed softly and rested her forehead on his. "Whether you will still be an asshole when we're old and gray…"

She placed her hand on his chest, right above his heart, and Levi felt an odd feeling rise within him. He found himself drawn back to her eyes.

"...whether our children will look like you or me..."

His hand froze mid-air. Levi felt as if someone had just punched him in the gut.

What? Children? Levi retracted his hand back and narrowed his eyes. Ida pulled away. She was observing him attentively, almost as if she was gauging his reaction. He realized she was waiting for his answer.

"Brats?" he could only mumble, cocking a surprised brow.

"Yeah," she looked away. "I told you it's stupid."

They sat in silence again. Except this time, it was a silence which seemed to weigh heavy with realization… the realization of a possible future; the prospect of stepping into parenthood. But Levi couldn't find it within himself to entertain that prospect, not now at least.

Why the hell was she bringing this up now?

"Levi?" It was a whisper, nothing more than a shaky breath.

He felt himself prickle at her urging and he swallowed dryly. Confusion was present on her face.

He ground his teeth and looked away. He realized quickly that maybe she was testing the waters. Levi knew that Ida had always wanted a family of her own, that woman might say otherwise, but he knew her. It was just that he didn't expect her to bring it up, not when she reacted so drastically the last time they broached this topic.

Frankly, starting a family was the last thing that was on his mind.

But… didn't he make a resolution with himself that he would try?

For fuck sake, their future was a blank canvas.

She deserved this much, didn't she? Bastard. They were talking about her future — their future. He had already tied her to him, and yet he still couldn't step out of his comfort zone for her? He couldn't even consider it? She wasn't even asking much, Ida was just talking of a possibility. A possibility of their future.

Fucking bastard.

"Sorry," Ida had probably sensed his anger brimming below the surface. "It's nothing, I was just overthinking—"

"No," Levi interrupted. "It's not that."

She stared at him, waiting for elaboration.

He felt himself frown as he struggled with the words. "You'll... be a good mother."

Fuck.

That was shit too. For fuck sake, he really couldn't say anything else better, could he? Damn it. But it was the cold hard truth. Ida would be a fantastic mother.

She stared at him, wide-eyed. He grimaced, Ida clearly didn't expect that shit to come out from him either.

Then, her eyes grew gentler. "You… will be a good father too, Levi."

He snorted. "Tch, do I look like the type of man who would be good at changing diapers or cradling screaming tiny brats? You're the only one who would say shit like that."

"No, you will be," Ida smiled softly, causing his breath to hitch in his chest. Damn, she really was beautiful when she smiled. "One day, when this war is over… if we ever have children… I hope that they will look like you."

He raised a brow. Ida was saying it as if her physical appearance was unsightly. "Why?"

"Because the red hair and green eyes of the Starkes… it's cursed."

The words ripped through his consciousness like a fresh blade through an exposed nape. Levi frowned deeply, he opened his mouth and the words left him before he could even comprehend what was happening. "It isn't," he said, almost too harshly because she flinched. "Our brat wouldn't be some cursed person like you think it is."

"But they will be capable of awakening. An Ackerman and a Starke..."

"I won't let anything happen to them, they won't have a need for it."

He found her green eyes staring straight at him. She nodded once. "Yeah, of course, nothing will happen." Her voice grew softer. "Not when they have a father like you to protect them."

Father, the word rang in his head on repeat, and Levi tensed up. It had only hit him now. Out of a sudden, he felt numb and dazed. What the hell did he just say? Was he really okay with having a family with her in a shitty world like this? Levi couldn't understand himself anymore.

But then, she tangled her fingers in his, and Ida tugged at his arm, moving to him to kiss him. The movement was so slight and soft, and yet he allowed her to guide him to her. Despite all the anxiety deep within him, the muscles in his body which were so often tense and rigid relaxed into her touch. In these stolen moments alone, he became malleable and all his rational thoughts vanished. It was a feeling that felt surprisingly natural.

"I just hope that they won't get your height or your clean-freak tendencies," Ida murmured against his lips. Levi couldn't suppress the smile against her lips. She was cute even when she insulted him. Insolent brat.

Thank fuck she couldn't see him smiling.

"I know you're smiling," Ida whispered against his mouth, as though she could read his mind.

Shit.

He pulled away and scowled. "Who the hell is smiling?"

Ida only laughed and rested her back against him. She rested her head on his chest and sighed. "What do you think the sea will look like?"

"Don't know," he grumbled, "probably some huge ass lake that filled with salt as you said."

She snorted at his plain remark and tilted her head upwards to look at him. "You're really good at bed talk, aren't you?"

Levi gave her a blank, unimpressed stare. "No one has seen that shit before, not even four eyes knows what it looks like."

"Then let's go see it together," she said. "We have to, I will never talk to you again if we don't."

He arched a thin brow at her commanding tone. "Is that an order?"

She was glowing when she smiled. "I'm telling you that I won't forgive you if you don't bring me there, I'm telling you that we will survive tomorrow and whatever the world throws at us."

Her words echoed in Levi's mind when she rested her head back on his chest. He felt himself frown. Never in his life did he feel like he belonged and didn't belong with someone more. Levi knew that there were going to be countless obstacles in their way. The world they were in was just waiting to rip them apart.

Frankly, he had no idea how the hell they were going to get through this — if they truly had the strength as a couple to get through this together. Fuck. It was going to be hard. It was going to be so hard that it made him wondered if they truly had the damn power to go through all the fucking hardships to come.

He was almost lost in another world of uncertainty when Ida spoke. "I will be beside you every step of the way, Levi."

As she said this, she took his hands in hers. She touched him and suddenly, he was reminded that everything would be worth it in the end.

"Survive," he whispered, burying his face in the crook of her neck. His heart seemed to trip in his chest, and it almost made his voice crack. Almost. "Come back alive."

She intertwined her fingers with his as though to assure him. "Both of us will. You, me, Erwin, Hanji, and the kids… we'll all come back together…"

The feeling of her intertwined hands felt comforting. A foreign emotion, one that he had long forgotten, and one that he had promised he would never venture into again rose within him. As the vulnerability pulsating in his heart yearned for her, the strongest closed his eyes fearfully, already beginning to build back the crumbled walls around his once frozen heart.

"We'll come back together," he repeated hoarsely after her.

Putting the worrying thoughts aside for that night, Levi allowed the momentary peace to overtake him. He ignored the sinking feeling in his gut as her breath warmed his skin. He ignored the trepidation in his nerves as her scent soothed and embraced him.

The storms were coming, and he knew that.

He knew from the very start that once he invited this woman to his life, that once he falls for her as hard as he did now, that he was in for a world of pain, tears, agony, heartaches, and anything else that would arise from this shitty world where blood streamed like water.

And yet… he had been quite the fucking fool, hadn't he?

Levi was painfully aware that they were living on borrowed time. He had no idea how quickly they were going to have to pay for all the time they borrowed. He had no idea how quickly things would change because of everything they gained and lost at Shiganshina.

The world that they wanted, the dreams that they shared would be worth it all, but the unforgiving storms created by their wretched dynasty would make it damn near impossible for them to find.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

There was no cool breeze where she was at. It was just cold. Blistering cold. It was the type of coldness that numbed her all the way to her heart. Her fingers shuddered. She recognized this place and she knew where she was.

The paths.

"You always seem to bring me here," Ivy said in a mellifluous voice. "But you never once talked to me, mother. How cruel to do this to the daughter you abandoned."

She fluttered her eyes open. Her green eyes scoured the sandy lands until she spotted her. Elsie Starke. Her lips curled upwards when she strolled to the unmoving figure.

Ivy tilted her head, trying to get a glimpse of her mother's eyes. It was the same as usual. Head downcast, blank green eyes staring aimlessly ahead.

"Hello?" She pouted when she didn't get a reply. "Ugh, how boring, mummy."

The ethereal aurora gleamed above the pair, casting a bluish hue as Ivy circled around her mother. She stopped and rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "What will it take for you to talk to me? You can see the world outside, right? Would you want to see Ida then? I'll probably meet her soon."

She sighed when no reply came again. Boring.

"Ida…"

Ivy yelped and jumped. As if the name was a magical trigger, the forever frozen Elsie moved for the first time that Ivy met her in the paths. With exaggerated slowness, Elsie locked eyes with her, repeating the same name again.

"Ida…"

Her hands automatically went for her agape mouth. She couldn't believe it. Elsie was finally talking. Finally. After so many tries, she could hear her mother's voice again. Tears of relief spilled out of her eyes and impulsively, Ivy flung herself at her mother and embraced her.

"Mother…" Her voice quivered. "Mother, it's me… it's Ivy…"

She felt a hand on the back of her head. The touch was chilly and dead-like, but the gesture was affectionate. Ivy froze, paralyzed at her sudden touch.

Was this happening? Was Elsie actually embracing her?

"Mother," Ivy buried her face in her shoulder. "Why won't you let me see your memories? I'm your daughter too, aren't I? Why... are you rejecting me too?"

Fingers tightly embedded around her mother's biceps, she pushed Elsie from her with a wide smile on her face. She wanted to look at her clearly. "Mother, I—"

The words died at the back of her throat. Elsie was crying. For the first time in a long time, Ivy felt her heart ached as a disappointing realization rooted itself within the core of her already dulled emotions. Those tears weren't for her.

Elsie's fingers grazed the side of her cheeks and an apologetic smile crossed her lips, "Sorry, my daughter… I'm so sorry for everything... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you… but you know why I can't…"

You're sorry? Liar.

.

.

.

Vivid green eyes snapped open with a loud gasp.

Ivy blinked, quickly acclimating herself with her surroundings. She was back in reality. Elsie was nowhere to be found. She was sitting around the campfire with Reiner, Bertholdt, and Zeke. They had coffee mugs in their hands as they stared at her with cautious trepidation.

Darn it. She had hoped that she could've stayed in the paths longer.

Indignation boiled within her when she mused over the imagery of her mother's smile. The next time she was back in the paths, Ivy was determined to coerce her to submission.

What was she expecting? A nice talk with her? She should've known that expectations lead to nothing but disappointment. Ivy had sworn she would never find herself in that position again.

"I saw her again," she announced, grabbing her mug. The coffee was still hot. Time really does pass differently in the paths just as Zeke had theorized during her previous visits there. "She talked this time, but she still wouldn't tell me anything or give me access to her memories."

Zeke adjusted his spectacles. "We had expected it. I told you we can't rely on that."

"Who is this person that you're talking about?" Reiner asked, hands wrapped around his warm mug. Meanwhile, Bertholdt watched her with natural curiosity, the silent question swirling in his inquisitive eyes.

Ivy blinked, surprised. "Oh, you didn't tell them."

"I didn't see the need to."

She smirked wickedly. "My bloodline is special," she declared, almost a little proudly, and pointed a finger at them. "Get it? Ivy is much more special than you little runts."

Reiner grimaced and grumbled something under his breath. It was Bertholdt who asked the questions instead. "Special? What do you mean by that?"

"She means of the special ability of her bloodline," Zeke elaborated casually. "For us, we do get glimpses of the memories of the previous holder of the Titan, but for her…" he faced her, stone-faced, "…it seems that the previous holder is conscious and is capable of conversing with her in a dimension that is probably the paths."

"What?" Reiner gaped, thunderstruck by this revelation. "But isn't the previous holder dead?"

"Her soul is alive," Ivy said with a gleeful smile. "She is conscious, I'm sure of it, she spoke to me. Additionally, I'm positive she's purposefully preventing me from accessing her memories."

"Can you see previous holders?" Bertholdt questioned. "Let's say the previous holders of the two generations before? Are they there too?"

"Who knows," Ivy shrugged, taking another heartful sip of her warm coffee to ward off the night air. "So far, I only saw her and another weird woman, but the weird woman only appeared once for me."

"An unfortunate case." Zeke exhaled tiredly, massaging his temples. "Things would be much easier if Ivy could access the memories of her previous Titan wielder, it'll certainly simplify things for us. That woman lived in Shiganshina, but we don't know which house is hers."

Bertholdt frowned. "I thought we were looking for the basement of Eren Yeager's house?"

"Yes," Zeke nodded grimly. "However, the Starkes are intriguing figures of this island as well and Ivy's previous Titan holder was a Starke. Marley would definitely want more information on them."

Reiner looked confused. "Why?"

Zeke pressed his lips into a thin line. It looked like he was contemplating something.

"This is classified information, but I suppose there's no harm telling you." He placed his coffee mug down. "According to the ancient Eldian empire's records that Marley possesses, the Starkes were known as the 'walking history book of Eldia'. Which is why Ivy is such a valuable research material to them, as she comes from this bloodline."

Reiner's eyes expanded, it looked like a sudden realization rammed into him. "Wait… you said the previous holder is a Starke too… then is it..."

"Who else?" Ivy grinned. Her voice dropped to a flat deadpan. "My mother, Elsie Starke."

She giggled when she saw younger warriors' expressions. The insipid pallor of their faces indicated how horrified they were with this information. It only entertained her.

"I chewed my own mother up and ate her, didn't you know?" Ivy laughed harder. "Maybe that's why she pissed at me. Bummer, really."

Bertholdt felt his blood chill when he saw Ivy's cruel smile. It was one that only the most inhumane soldiers in Marley possessed.

"She was also the mother of Ida Starke," Zeke supplied coolly, ignoring how Ivy was practically relishing at how horrified the younger warriors looked. "There's no doubt that Elsie Starke is preventing Ivy from accessing her memory knowing that she's on Marley's side."

"I see…" Reiner's fingers curled around his coffee mug, eyes troubled. "Then…" he lifted his gaze from the ground cautiously, "…what happens when you meet with Ida Starke?"

Ivy tilted her head and folded her arms on her chest. "It's simple, isn't it?"

A deadly silence shrouded the two younger warriors. They didn't need to ask any more questions. It was clear from the sinister smile that she planned to kill her.

"Oh, come on," Ivy giggled when she sensed their dry horror. "Eating my mother, killing my twin sister, I'm sure there are worse things you have done. You two killed thousands of people when you knocked the pretty little wall down, that's a winner in my books."

Berhtoldt and Reiner bristled.

Zeke sighed and steered the topic elsewhere. "Get some sleep, I'll stand guard and wait for Pieck."

While the rest of her comrades carried on with light conversation into the night without her, Ivy found herself lying on her back on top of Wall Maria. Under a sky of a perfect midnight velvet, the light of the stars twinkled, holding a promise of the hope of dawn. She smiled and reached out to the stars, her mind wandering aimlessly.

"No empire lasts forever, no dynasty continues unbroken," Ivy whispered in a whimsical and carefree tone. It sounded like the most tranquil music on a storm-filled night. "Sister, isn't it funny? Someday, maybe you and I will just be mere legends in a story..."

Her fingers clenched together. Ivy couldn't wait for the day that she'll meet her. To see how similar she looked, to hear her voice, and know her other half.

The one destined for an extraordinary life.

Would she have the same shade of red hair as she? The same emerald eyes that shone under the sky?

It had to be, the Starke dynasty had remained unbroken for centuries. Through the ages, the hereditary traits were preserved through each of its descendants, as if it was a curse that even the heavens couldn't break.

She shifted her head and looked at Reiner and Bertholdt, remembering how perturbed they looked at the prospect of killing her own sister. What else should she feel then, she wondered. Loyalty? Love?

But why should she? Because she was family? Because they were born into the same dynasty and shared the same fate?

Ivy looked back at the stars and smiled. Oh foolish boys, didn't they know?

A dynasty is nothing but the successful orchestration of treachery, growing on the blood, sweat, and tears of its ancestors, and carried by the tired backs of its damned inheritors who bear its name.

o o o —xπ{Ö}πx — o o o

The Survey Corps' departure to Wall Maria was a grand send-off. The grandest the legion had ever seen.

Standing on top of Trost's gates, the encouraging cheers from the civilians lifted her spirits. Goosebumps formed on Ida's skin when the crowd roared triumphantly in unison with Erwin; a harmonious orchestra of confidence, strength, and newfound determination.

The reaction was beautiful beyond measure, not by how the civilians were cheering for the once scorned legion, but in the sharing of genuine heartfelt emotion.

Emotions of hope.

Hope for a better life. Hope for the war to end. Hope that their dreams will finally come to fruition.

The pride within her swelled and Ida couldn't help but smile, the wind tussling her red hair.

"To protect people," she had once said to Levi long ago when he asked her why she wanted to join the scouts.

And here she was now after a long and arduous road. The man she loved, a father she respected, and comrades who were her family, fighting side by side to do the very thing she had set out to do.

Deck out in full uniform and gears with her horse in hand, Ida waited for the lifts, completely consumed with the thoughts of the inevitable war that would happen soon. She watched the sunset on the horizon, finding herself transported to a timeless existence, ready for a protective blanket of the night to shield them from Titans.

She jolted back to reality when she heard someone approaching. Levi was walking towards her with his horse. He acknowledged her presence with a stiff nod to his head, a gesture that she returned.

Silence cloaked them and her Captain joined her in looking at the vast scenery. An unexpected emanation of power streamed from him. It was the aura of an entity that could move mountains. Ida saw the storm raging behind his narrowed gray eyes. She knew that look. It was a look that she had missed.

Just as she was prepared for war, so was he.

But when he turned to her and met her eyes, Ida was sure she saw a hint of trepidation pass like a shadow across his features.

"Till the end," she whispered to herself.

For better or for worse, their lives were now intertwined. It was them against the world, and Ida was never more grateful to have him by her side.

Levi must've heard her, because he suddenly spoke, "Tsk. Whose end? Yours or mine?"

Ida was surprised that Levi was able to make a dark joke, if only minutely, at a time like this.

Amusement colored Ida's expression. "Ours," she amended softly, playing along with him. "Until all our enemies are defeated."

Levi squared his jaw and nodded. They lapsed into a thoughtful silence, staring at the horizon where Shigashina was together one last time. When they got to the lifts and descended back to hell, they no longer appeared like a couple, but lethal instruments of destruction ready to cut down anyone who stood in their way.

After Ida mounted her horse and got into position, she took one last look at the towering walls of Rose. In the sunset, it looked dark and ominous. She felt as though it was telling her to stay, to not leave, and venture into a world where danger awaited her.

A chill ran down her spine, the fear of what's to come crashed her into her with strong waves. It came as a chill that she should've sent her cowering, but Ida used her own bravery as a furnace. She wouldn't, and couldn't falter here.

Not until she avenged the anguished fallen.

Not until all their enemies were eradicated.

Not until this war ended.

For the people she loved, she would fight to her bitter end.

Anchored by her resolve, Ida scanned the legion. Eren mounted on his horse to her right, the ever-faithful Mikasa right beside him, Armin behind them… Sasha, Connie, Jean, Hanji, Mobilt, and so many others...

Strong soldiers. Brave soldiers. Determined soldiers.

Heros that would even challenge death for a glimpse of freedom. Ida felt a bloom of pride dwell within her. Today, she would fight beside these honorable people and die without any regrets if need be.

Ida smiled sadly when she found herself watching Levi's wings of freedom on his cloak, just as she always had every time she left the walls. Her hand rested on her flat stomach momentarily.

"Live," she whispered.

There was no turning back now.

Before the changing of tides, there is always silence. A prolonged silence to warn people about what's coming, an insufferable silence that promises pain, and an epic silence that guarantees an event that will carve itself into history. This particular silence was one that washed the legion as they stood in formation, ready for their Commander's orders. She closed her eyes in preparation when she saw Erwin steering his white horse to the front of the formation.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

"Advance!" Erwin's thundering command pierced through the silence of her mind. "Dedicate your hearts!"

When Ida Starke opened her eyes again, all her worries were far away from her. She had only one goal in mind now: to kill all their enemies and bring victory to humanity.

As her horse reeled under her at her command, she felt a searing fire surge through her veins. Stronger, and stronger. Until her blood was as strong as steel itself.

Green eyes turned vindictive when Ida charged with the legion as one coordinate unit, bound together by their loyalty, their resolve, and their hopes.

Her wings of freedom flapped against the chilly wind.

The tides changed, and the catalyst for it was the arrival of the long-awaited battle.

---

So… Ida didn't tell Levi (but she did test waters in a very clipped and smart manner, lol). I'm curious, what do you think will happen in RTS? :x

I'm so excited to finally reach this point! Things will be getting a Lil crazy starting from now. The feedback at the last chapter really motivated me to put out this chapter earlier despite my hectic schedule, thank you! Also, thanks to those who wished me a happy birthday! You guys are so sweet, it made my day every time I read a review or PM *sniffles*

I'm surprised how everyone is making assumptions on twins, bahaha.

I'm happy that many of you enjoyed the fanarts on my profile! Chapter updates are there too. Take care, everyone! Till the next update, much love!

Guest: As for whether it's dangerous or not for an AckermanxStarke baby, well, I wouldn't say 'dangerous' per se *cough*, but this child would alter Ida's decisions and change her fate. I won't reveal much for spoilers *cough*

Guest: Aw, thank you, you're so sweet! Heichou is a mongrel! There is an art of IdaxHeichou on my album if you wanna draw them. Do share it with me if you do, I'd love to see it!

PotatoPeeler: About Levi's age for this story, I don't know exactly. I'm taking his canonical age for this story but even in the guidebooks, there isn't any verified 'exact-age' for Levi. So far, all we know is that in Year 850, Levi is in his early 30s. This varies from 30-34.