Wednesday had come and Tucker was attending the last test of his trimester. He looked around after he had finished. The one thing he had on his mind was Rin but he tried his best to keep her clear from his head so he could check over his answers. Once he had confirmed the answers to his test, he was sitting idly around, waiting for the time to be up. Then Tucker heard a knock on his door. The teacher walked up to it and opened it. It was Shinichi.
Katawa Shoujo- High Tension
"Come in." The teacher told Shinichi. Shinichi stepped in as he seemed to be looking for someone.
"Excuse me, could I borrow Mr. Kagami for a moment?" Shinichi asked, the teacher turned her head to Shinichi as if he was barging into a classroom of students in the middle of their exams.
"Excuse me, Mr. Nomiya, but we are in the middle of an exam here." The teacher retorted to Shinichi that the students were still in the middle of making up their exams. A chilly atmosphere suddenly spreads in the middle of the summer like afternoon as the two men try to stare each other down.
"This is urgent, and it seems that Kagami has already finished." Shinichi explained to the teacher that Tucker was looking over his answers again. Both men turn to look at Tucker, staring at him like a pair of basilisks trying to petrify a tasty snack. It's true that Tucker had been idle for a good while now, so Nomiya is right, but…
"Kagami, would you like to check your answers one more time?" The teacher would ask Tucker if he could check his exams for the last time before he left the classroom. The teacher speaks with an odd intonation, weighting certain words as if trying to send a message. The pressure from their stares makes me rapidly shake his head, which is apparently interpreted as an answer of some sort. Tucker then pushed the papers forward as if the entire test had been checked over. "Very well. Kagami, go with Mr. Nomiya, if you please. Take your bag with you and bring your test paper to my desk. You have a nice vacation." The teacher instructed Tucker. Tucker packed his belongings up and slung the bag over his shoulder. He then picked up the papers he had before leaving them on the desk. He stepped outside to see Shinichi wanting to ask him something. Tucker could sense Shinichi's mood was off.
"Umm. Er, you too, Mr. Nomiya." Tucker greeted him. He tried his best to sound polite and friendly despite the tension that was hanging in the air. The entire world... Well, at least the classroom seemed to hold its breath just for him, putting the exam on hold until he walked out of the room, the bag felt awkward on his shoulders as he wasn't used to having one functioning arm. Tucker could feel the stares in the back of his neck. Tucker's classmates probably think he was in for some detention or something, on the last day of the school before summer vacation. Tucker didn't know what the teacher wanted from him, but he can guess it probably is not detention and also that it probably has something to do with Rin again. Shinichi doesn't take him anywhere, contenting himself with the hallway as it's completely abandoned.
"Do you know where Tezuka is?" Shinichi would ask Tucker if he had any idea where his best artist was. "I can't find Eleanor anywhere and I decided to fall back onto the artist whom I've held in the back room." Tucker tried to think, so she is trying to avoid the teacher... par for the course, probably. Tucker wonders if she realizes that she can't avoid dealing with this indefinitely.
"I have no idea. You have probably asked from her homeroom next door." Tucker tried his best to formulate a response. He hadn't seen Rin since yesterday when she decided to walk back to the school. Shinichi looked as if he was going to bust a piston to a locomotive that ran on steam.
Katawa Shoujo- Stride
"Of course, I have! I have searched every nook and cranny of this blasted school and the girls' dorm. You are the last one to see her since yesterday and you are her friend. Work with me here. Aren't you worried?" Shinichi asked as his mood lightened up a bit. He thought he could use Tucker to his advantage and figure out where Rin was. Tucker tried his best to think about where Rin could have gone off to, everything fell off the deep end ever since yesterday or possibly Monday when he got into that argument with Eleanor. Was this his punishment? Tucker knew he needed to think about the answer.
"I am, but I don't know what I could do. Rin did something incomprehensible yesterday, even for her. She seemed really confused." Tucker began. He was trying to figure out where Rin had gone off to. He then recalled the conversation he had with Rin the previous night when she spilled the information regarding Eleanor lying about her grades. "Maybe she just wants some time to think then. I got the feeling that she had second thoughts about having that exhibition." Tucker tried his best to explain to Shinichi. "Or something. She really didn't explain what was wrong."
"What second thoughts?" Shinichi asked, scratching his chin as he seemed to be confused about what Tucker meant by her having second thoughts. Tucker was just as perplexed as Shinichi too.
"I dunno. Just got that feeling." Tucker explained to his art teacher. He seemed to be puzzled too. Tucker gulped nervously. He didn't know if he was being a little dishonest with the teacher, but this is not something he should be meddling with. Shinichi came to Tucker... yes, why? Maybe Shinichi thinks Tucker is some kind of confidant of Rin's, but Tucker doesn't think he can help with this matter. The teacher huffs and scratches his head in confusion.
"What's up with that girl? This is so unlike her; she's always been so goal-driven." Shinichi explained. He was thinking about what changed Rin, even when Rin first joined the club they had made, Rin was still painting in her own goal orientated style. Nowadays she doesn't want to paint at all."Goal-driven?" Those don't really strike Tucker as words to describe Rin with. To Tucker, she always felt like a friend or possibly a lover at best, not a talented painter others make her out to be.
"Er, I don't mean to be rude, but wasn't it you who pushed me, Eleanor and Rin in that direction in the first place?" Tucker asked. He wanted to see what Shinichi's reaction was going to be. He was close to Rin but his influence kind of affected Tucker and Eleanor as well. Shinichi closed his eyes and began to speak.
"Her goal is my goal. That is a mentor's job." Shinichi began. "Eleanor was much the same thing and a quick learner too. I had to cave into your parents demands and try to get Rin back into painting before I would be berated by your mother." Shinichi expressed his concern. He didn't know where he was going to go as he felt like he was being cornered by Tucker, his parents and Rin to some extent. Tucker began to speak again.
"I guess so. I just don't know if painting can make her happy." Tucker tried to explain to Shinichi about what Rin was up to in terms of what she wanted to do. Shinichi's expression changed as if he was getting irritated again.
"That's pretty preposterous of you to say, Kagami." Shinichi said to Tucker. Tucker tried his best to study the art teacher's mood, He suddenly sounds pretty irate. Did Tucker say something stupid? "You don't understand, do you? It is not a question of happiness. For every gain there is a sacrifice to be made. There is no free lunch but could I... would I let that girl waste away her talent if she has a moment of doubt? Never! Painting is work just like any other. Tezuka might make it look like child's play to you, but she works hard every day to make her art. To become extraordinary, one has to make an extraordinary effort." Shinichi explained to Tucker that there were some things that had to be given up. He had lost Eleanor already and now he was falling back onto Rin. However, Tucker didn't know if Rin wanted to return to the old ways. The more the teacher talks, the more Tucker feels that Rin doesn't think like that, even though he has no idea how she thinks. Shinichi's mood began to lighten up a bit again. "I can very well understand why Eleanor would sacrifice her summer vacation and make up for the lost classes and exams to get a chance at showing her art. This is the path she has taken, and to go all the way, that's not easy. I know she and Rin are young, and things are hard for her just like for all the kids here in this school, but that's no excuse. Rin has no excuse either though as she has had her rest and needs to get back into her routine." He is finished. Tucker sighed before he tried to speak.
"But…" Tucker tries to speak but Shinichi quickly cuts him off. He was curious about what Tucker was going to say.
"Do you have anything like what art is to Tezuka?" Shinichi asked as his mood was curious. Tucker tried to think but the question he had seemed to vanish into thin air.
"No..." Tucker stuttered; it was clear he was beginning to falter. That's right. Tucker has only vague ideas of his future, no goal to shoot for, no dream to blindly reach for. He made his own club in search of something he and Rin could be interested in, to get inspired by. Did he find something like that? All Tucker found in the end... was Rin, smiling, having fun and being herself whenever there wasn't a blank canvas in front of her face. "No, I don't have a passion like that." Tucker finally blurted out.
"Then you can't understand." Shinichi told Tucker as he was reading his perplexment he was currently showing. His flat statement allows no counterargument.
"But... she might not even understand herself." Tucker tried his best to explain in a polite manner. "Still, Tucker carried on arguing, out of spite if for nothing else. Shinichi told Tucker as if he gave another frown.
"How could she not? She's been at it so hard for the past few weeks that she put off even coming to school, not to say anything about attending class. Don't be ridiculous." Shinichi began. He wasn't angry this time around though his mood seemed to lighten up once more. Tucker meanwhile doesn't think he is being ridiculous, but as Tucker has no rebuttal, Shinichi seems to consider this one his win. "At any rate, the event last night was quite successful despite Tezuka hardly showing up to explain her painting ideas. Many people were interested in her work and all of them were even sold to Sae's son who worked in Hokkaido for a reasonable price." Tucker smiled as he remembered Sae saying that her son worked in the hobby shop in Hokkaido, the one that he visited with Rin and Hanako a couple weeks back.
"Well, that's nice, isn't it?" Tucker asked. Shinichi's smile opened as he beamed with pride.
"Yes, it's fantastic news! I hoped that Tezuka would come to her senses when she heard about this, but..." Shinichi told Tucker as he was excited but. Shinichi sighs and takes off his glasses, cleaning them against his jacket before putting them on his nose again. "At any rate, I should be going. There is this mess to be settled with Sae and everyone regarding what we should do with Eleanor Kagami. If you see Tezuka, please ask her to come see me. Otherwise, have a nice vacation."
"Thanks..." Tucker told his teacher. Shinichi walked away as he seemed to be rather pleased with the argument, he was able to win. Tucker meanwhile was still feeling uneasy about the situation. After Shinichi disappeared around the corner, Tucker began to ponder where Rin could really be. It feels like she has not one, but at least half a dozen of these "secret places." Tucker began to balance between the desire to solve this tangle and to drop it for good. The disused classroom is just a few feet away. What to do? As Tucker pushes open the door, only the shadows greet him from the inside.
"Hey there." Tucker greeted whoever was at the door. He was surprised to see Rin, sitting there… alone.
Katawa Shoujo- Breathlessly
Rin was sitting in the middle of the empty sunlit room, peering through the gaps of the curtains out into the yard. Like so often before, she doesn't start or jump, just calmly waits for Tucker to make the first move. It's as if she is trying to become a permanent part of the furniture.
"The teacher is looking for you." Tucker told Rin that Shinichi was looking for her. Rin turned her head to Tucker. A blank look over her shoulder is all he was going to get, accompanied by a cryptic non-expression on her face.
"Are you looking for me too?" Rin asked, she was still thinking about the events of last night when she decided to walk away from the art gallery after pulling the curtain regarding Eleanor. Tucker did his best to put on a smile.
"Nah, I already found you, didn't I?" Tucker asked Rin. Rin shrugged her shoulders as she wasn't sure about it.
"Did you?" Rin asked. She sighed before looking away for a moment. She furrows her brow, looking so puzzled that it makes Tucker wonder if the question was asked in all seriousness. Maybe it was.
"Are you talking metaphorically now?" Tucker asked Rin if she was saying anything figuratively. Rin continued to stare out the window and she began to speak again.
"Do you mean like eels, caves and dark, stormy nights? I am bad at talking like that." Rin asked Tucker if he had anything bad happen to him. Tucker thought Rin was having a rough time and she thought those things must've scared her. The abruptly ended greetings give Tucker the chance to close the door behind him and sit down on a dust-covered desktop. Rin stood up, but at least she turned around. Tucker wishes she didn't though, so oppressive is her expectant stare. This is her place and he thought he was an intruder, although a tolerated one. Despite that, she still waits for Tucker to say something. If only Tucker knew what. Tucker stood there in silence. The sunlit silence presses Tucker towards decisions. He came here without really thinking what he would do, apart from delivering Shinichi's short message in case Rin was here. She was, and now Tucker doesn't know what else I want to say... what else should he say? Tucker hovered between his two options for a moment. Rin being troubled troubles him too. It's a surprising revelation, almost as big as realizing that she really is troubled. Nothing he can do would probably help, and Tucker might be partially to blame too. Does it mean Eleanor was right and he should just wash his hands and dump her? Didn't think so. Tucker walked over before placing his right arm on Rin.
"So... what's wrong?" Tucker asked. Rin said nothing and stood there in silence. After a moment or two, she finally spoke.
"Nothing." Rin told Tucker she was scared about telling the truth again, thinking she had screwed something up regarding yesterday. She starts to turn away again, as if trying to physically exit a conversation she doesn't want to have.
"Rin, please stop trying to dodge me or I'll leave." Tucker begged Rin to find out what was eating away at her. He was still grateful for her standing up to Eleanor and telling the crowd the truth, but did Rin have to sacrifice herself for this?
"Okay." Rin sighed. Tucker tried to think. Did Rin want to be left alone?
"Do you want me to leave?" Tucker asked politely. He didn't want to flip out on Rin like he did with Eleanor. He thought of Rin as his biggest ally.
"Are you still angry?" Rin asked. Tucker began to think. He wasn't angry at Rin at all, he loved her as she was there for him and for her to ask something like this has pushed him onto the edge. It took them - or was it only Tucker? - ten seconds to swamp the conversation into this. Tucker wishes that he could erase the past, or failing that, forget all about it. Tucker wished for that more than once in the last few months.
"Let's put that aside for the time being, all right?" Tucker told Rin in a calm manner, he wanted to see if he could amend ends with Rin before moving onto the rest of his family. He didn't know what he was going to say to his mother.
"If you say so." Rin told Tucker that she wished to push her problems aside for now until they could figure out what to do about them later.
"I do. So... what's wrong? Sae and Shinichi were not too happy that you just ran off yesterday. You left them in quite a pinch, and I suppose the teacher wants some kind of an explanation. It seemed like you just threw out everything you had worked for. And I don't get why." Tucker began explaining to Rin why she ran off like that. She could have asked some questions. Rin began to think about it, she was going to mention Tucker and how her hobby flourished thanks to Tucker and that gave her the motivation to paint and create new pieces of art.
"Did I make a mistake?" Rin asked. Was the biggest fault exposing Eleanor? She thought it was the best idea to tell the truth about her to Tucker's parents but at what cost? Rin sat down as she began to think about it. Tucker's reprimanding and her flat answer go so much against the usual expectations and presumed interactions that it might just as well be somebody else talking. Neither of them is like they used to be, this stiff, constricting feeling Tucker got every time he looked at Rin nowadays seems to be mirrored in her own behavior. Tucker would hate it if things went irreparably wrong. Ever since the car accident he sustained, Tucker has hated them whenever they appeared back in his head. What could Tucker say? Her question is trailed by a compelling, quizzical stare that makes him sigh and frown. Conversations nobody wants to have been the worst.
"I don't know. I mean, it's not the end of the world but it probably was pretty stupid." Tucker sighed. He didn't know if Rin's decision was the best decision, she could have made but with the truth getting exposed, Tucker knew that he needed to say something about Rin. Rin responds with a sigh of her own, although hers is not nearly as heavy as Tucker's was.
"I just couldn't go through with it." Rin began. "The fight that we had, me and Eleanor, the yelling from your mother I could hear from the gallery itself. And I was doubting my abilities to paint when I said I had run out of ideas that time."
"But... why? What's wrong?" Tucker asked. She didn't know if she was doing stuff incorrectly. She had paused, a furrowed brow, a quiet voice.
"Let it be, Tucker. I don't think I can really explain it in a way that would make sense." Rin sighed. She was feeling uncomfortable and didn't want to have this conversation either. That may be for the better. But how rare of her to admit that even she has some kind of limits. Tucker always thought Rin was all but ignorant of her tendency to get distracted, so much that she inadvertently obfuscates everything she says.
"You never explain anything in a way that would make sense to most people. I was the only person who could understand you most of the time." Tucker told Rin that he needed her if he wanted to get down to what Rin had hidden away.
"Nobody else has ever asked me to." Rin sighed. She thought that the situation was somewhat hopeless, and she was ready to throw in the towel and call it a defeat. Tucker knew he needed to get her bravery to tell him the truth.
"I guess that's how it is. But I always wanted to make sense of you, to find out who you are. I still want to, can't you see? ... I know you can't. But I do. Is that why I keep this up? It pains you as much as it pains me. It's unlikely to be of any use to either. We did things and said things that can't be undone. It's as if... you and me being close to each other just hurts us both, but we still deliberately keep doing it. Isn't that silly? Even now, I can see how you force yourself to respond even though you owe me nothing. Even if it's hard to talk about things like this. Why?" Tucker began. He began to think about why Rin had started what she did when they first met. "Why is it that you paint?"
"I... because I don't know what else I could do. It's like this feeling that there is no choice, that it's the only possibility. Like when there are only watermelon-flavored popsicles left in the store, but you need to eat a popsicle." Rin explained to Tucker that she was mostly pressured into it most of the time even though she didn't want to do it when everyone else demanded her to do it. Her poor metaphor aside, she didn't really answer anything. If possible, this makes even less sense than not knowing. "I know when you told me a while back, in that wheat field that I wanted to get away from all of this. I was being serious; I really want to get away from art and painting all together." Rin explained to Tucker that some things seemed to be things that went against her. She didn't know what she wanted to do.
"Are you saying that we should run away from our responsibilities?" Tucker asked, he sounded frightened when Rin suggested that. Rin turned to Tucker and she began to speak again.
"Not like that. You had to come to this school even though you probably didn't want to be involved in a car accident?" Rin asked as she suggested that they shouldn't run from life, but they needed to figure out how it was going to work in the pauses, frowning as if something in what she said didn't please her. "At least I think you wouldn't." Her careful follow-up is followed in turn by another, shorter pause with another, smaller frown. She turned to Tucker as she had a serious question for him. Would you like to be involved in a car wreck like Emi?" Rin asked. Tucker began to think about the car accident he was involved in that caused his arm to rot away before ultimately losing it all together. The idea terrified him.
"No, I wouldn't, and I didn't want to." Tucker told Rin that something like this would be scary to him. Rin nodded before she began to speak again.
"But you're doing fine, aren't you? Or are you still sad about it?" Rin asked Tucker. Tucker decided to give it a thought. Rin's question makes Tucker realize that he hasn't really thought about his injuries for weeks. Aside from getting needles poked into his arm to try to keep it alive there has been no need to concern myself with a missing arm which to Tucker, which he was only thankful for, really. Getting to know new people, a new school, a new town... a new life, it all has caught him and made the past fade away.
"No... heh, I guess even I can't dwell on the past indefinitely." Tucker sighed. The conversation with Rin was the one thing that was giving him the courage to open up about himself. Rin smiled a bit as she decided to make another metaphor.
"See? Even watermelon doesn't really taste bad if you have to eat it." Rin admitted. She wished she had watermelon on her so they could try it out. Her half-nonsensical closure seems to put an end to the subject in Rin's mind, so Tucker just nods in uncertain confirmation. ... ... There are two kinds of silences: awkward ones that you want to break, and comfortable ones that you don't mind. The first kind is bad, because it makes your thoughts go awry. Like his thoughts do, now. Looking at Rin makes Tucker feel bad. He doesn't want to feel like this. Looking at Rin makes Tucker feel... exhausted. Tucker really tried his best, she tried to... he had no idea. But they ended up like this, and she ended up potentially screwing up her exhibition opening and possibly putting Tucker's family relationship into jeopardy. It feels like we are at a dead end. There is no direction to continue in. Tucker reached out for her yesterday, thinking it would be the last time. She walked away. "I want to be me." Tucker knew full well what she wanted to do. Rin, if anyone, is most definitely herself. Tucker feels kinda relieved that he was not the one to blame, but this still grates on his mind. Why did she run away? It didn't make sense yesterday. It doesn't make sense today. The things she said feel like they should make sense, but they just don't, to him.
"You know, about that thing you just said..." Tucker began talking to Rin.
"Which one of them?" Rin asked. Tucker tried to think of a means of keeping the conversation going.
"Umm... painting... Sae said something like that to me before... that a true artist does not paint because she wants to, but because she must. And I've been wondering about what she said. Why do artists have to paint?" Tucker asked. He thought his question was probably pretty stupid. At least Rin looks at Tucker in the blank way that seems to say so.
"I don't know. Am I an artist at the end of the day?" Rin asked. Tucker needed to reassure her.
"Well, you paint stuff, and you have an exhibition too. I'd say you qualify." Tucker commented on the paintings she did paint when they got their club up and running.
"I think I still don't know, but okay." Rin told Tucker as her mood was improving. The thinking pause that follows seems to last for half an eternity. Unlike most people, Rin doesn't flavor her thinking pauses by body language or saying "like" or "umm" or anything. Tucker noticed that he might prefer her way. The usual way even annoyed him sometimes, as if people were so infatuated by the sound of their own voice, they just have to keep making some noise even when they are just thinking what they could say next. Rin just... comes to a full stop while she is thinking. It's disconcerting, because reacting to people spacing out is always hard, but she comes off as less obnoxious. "I think I want someone to see what's inside me. Not the way doctors and serial killers do. The way that doesn't make me feel lonely. This is what you call metaphorical, you see."
"Please don't lecture me about self-evident things." Tucker playfully begged Rin to not go down that rabbit hole.
"It's not self-evident that this is self-evident." Rin explained to Tucker. Tucker began to think about it before he began to speak.
"So, you present a painting to someone and expect him to magically see a glimpse of your soul?" Tucker asked Rin if that was true. Rin nodded before she began speaking again.
"It's not like that. It's just a little like that but not really. Don't you understand?" Rin asked Tucker. Tucker tried to think about what he was going to say next, but his words were starting to stutter from his mouth.
"I do... and I don't. You know, I feel a little bit of despair every time you ask that question." Tucker began. Rin was a bit puzzled about what her friend had said.
"What question?" Rin asked. Tucker began to speak again. Slowly this time.
"About whether I understand you or not." Tucker asked. He could understand Rin well, but the question was, could she understand him? She seems almost surprised at Tucker's clarification.
"Oh, it's not really a question. It's one of those kinds that you don't have to answer." Rin told Tucker that there was nothing really, they could do to answer it nor there was a correct answer for it.
"Rhetorical?" Tucker asked as he was still puzzled about it.
"Yeah, that's the word, a question that is not a question is a rhetorical question. How nice. That reminds me, it doesn't really make sense. What kind of a question is one that isn't a question?" Rin told Tucker that question was the one she was going to ask him to see if this was going to be true.
"A rhetorical one." Tucker repeated himself.
"What kind of an answer is an answer that doesn't answer anything?" Rin asked as she wanted to quiz him if he knew anything about what he had said.
"Is that a rhetorical question?" Tucker asked as he didn't know what he was going to say. Rin gave a small smile as she began to speak.
"You are not funny. But if you don't like it, would you like me to say something else instead? I don't have any good ones though. How about... "Your pants are on fire?" This can be our secret language." Rin told Tucker that some things weren't clear cut much like how everything she says wasn't clear cut. As Tucker was able to understand Rin more than anyone, he hoped there was some light at the end of the tunnel. Rin's honest-to-goodness silliness, made twice more ridiculous by the fact that Tucker knew she is dead serious, derails him like it always does, more often than a train having an accident. It's like some kind of a safety lock to prevent Tucker from becoming too much of a worrywart, dragging even his own thoughts off the ground where they should be. It makes Tucker smile confusedly, but only on the inside. Even though the corners of my mouth are not drawing into a grin, He was still impressed by her ease of wrecking any attempt at being too serious. Could she (should she will so) forget and ignore things that bug her, things that bother her? Could she (should she will so) be free of whatever burden being her means? Or was Tucker the only one who feels burdened by being himself?
"No thanks. But still, the times when I feel that I am on the same page as you are pretty rare. It feels like... there is this huge gap and sometimes you just go to the other side, and I don't... have any way to reach you from where I am. It's like you are in some completely different place at times. Even though you are right here." Tucker explained that what Rin had said and was doing was separating them further even though they were so close together, mere feet apart from each other in the same room. That's right. There is an insurmountable discontinuity, an imaginary glass wall that blocks comprehension from happening. There might be such a gap between any two people, but with Rin, it feels more tangible. Rin does not react to Tucker's thoughts, not to the ones he uttered aloud nor the ones he did not. "It's even worse with art. I'm not very good at art, I admit it. I made our own club 'cause I thought it could be interesting. And I guess it is. I like art as much as you like our game we play, I like your art too, but just like with you, I can't comprehend it. And I'm pretty sure nobody really can." Tucker explained to Rin as this seems to worry her slightly.
"Do you think so?" Rin asked Tucker if this was true.
"Yeah. I guess that art is meant to be interpreted, not understood. That's how I'd put it." Tucker sighed if he had to say the truth to Rin even if it was going to hurt.
"That's a sad thought." Rin told Tucker. She looked at him while trying to think of something to get her to mend the relationship with Shinichi.
"I guess it might feel like one. Does it make you feel sad for yourself?" Tucker asked Rin if she had moments of despair where something had gone horribly wrong, and she couldn't salvage it. Rin thinks about this for a while, and then shakes her head surprisingly vehemently. The first thing she focused her eyes on afterward was Tucker. Both of these things make me glad, and relieved. "That's good, isn't it? Anyway, you should go see the teacher and apologize properly. I think he is worried about you. Can you do that?" This time, she nods her head. Only, it's not as vehement.
The hallway is empty, almost intimidating. Nomiya's "office" is the art classroom at the other end of the third-floor hallway. Our steps echo disturbingly. The atmosphere is unlike a normal afternoon. It feels like the school knows that nobody will be coming back for a month, too. "The door is open, but not very inviting. Tucker knew he was too nervous to face Shinichi after the run-in he had with him. He knew Rin needed to do this alone.
"I'll... um, wait outside." Tucker told Rin as he wasn't brave enough to feel the torment that was going to come out of that room. Nodding barely noticeably, Rin strides in without stopping, and naturally, without knocking. Maybe that's why it takes a few seconds before Tucker hears the teacher's voice from inside.
Katawa Shoujo- Cold Iron
"There you are!" Shinichi told Rin that he was looking all over for her.
"Hello." Rin told Shinichi with a disinterested mood to her face. A conflict arises in Tucker's mind: should he stay here or go somewhere else? He was not sure if Tucker even wanted to eavesdrop on them. ... Manners lose to curiosity, and so he decided to stay close enough to listen in. Their voices echo in the hallway, but no matter. There is nobody around, save for Tucker.
"Dear girl, what on Earth were you thinking, leaving like that on the big night?" Shinichi began as he was trying to figure out why she walked away from him like that. Rin knew she needed to tell the truth to Shinichi.
"I couldn't say anything after I exposed Eleanor, and I thought Tucker's parents were going to tear her a new one. I didn't want to stick around, and I had to take Tucker with me outside." Rin explained to Shinichi that she feared the consequences that were going to spill over, and she was stepping up to protect Tucker from the teacher much like how he had protected her. Compared to Nomiya's scolding tone, Rin sounds awfully quiet and withdrawn. Her words seem to drown under his. Shinichi sounded angry about her reasoning.
"I have to say, I am very disappointed in you, Tezuka." Shinichi told Rin that he was not pleased with her decision and his voice began to raise.
"It was no good at all. There was a reason I decided not to paint for the art gallery. It was going to destroy any semblance of me that I had left. I don't think I ever wanted to do what Eleanor told me was the best time to show off. She deserved to get yelled at." Rin's voice was defiant to the art teacher. Shinichi knew he needed to try to set her in her place.
"Never mind all the things I did for you, but what about Sae? What about all the guests who wanted to meet you along with Eleanor, do they even matter to you?" Shinichi asked, his voice was reaching a boiling point as almost if he was angrier at her than Tucker screaming at Eleanor.
"There was nobody. Even Tucker..." Rin began but she was swiftly cut off by Shinichi as his voice began to try to talk some sense to her.
"You, Tucker and his parents have embarrassed us very badly, Tezuka. Reputation is what counts, surely you know that?" Shinichi told Rin that the combination of people had tarnished their reputation by exposing Eleanor, who she really was, was the straw that broke the camel's back.
"It's all right. I don't need it." Rin spat defiantly at Shinichi that she didn't need a reputation to live a happy life. Shinichi was outraged by her words.
""Don't need!" What do you think you know?" Shinichi asked. Rin's replies only seem to agitate the teacher more, his voice rising with every sentence. "The path of an artist is a thorny one, I'll tell you that! Thorny! You have to see the big picture! There will be bad times and good times!" Rin knew this was what she needed to try to stand her ground.
"Things are like they are. It'll be all right even…" Rin tried to explain. Shinichi slices her off mid-sentence again and decides to call her out on her actions.
"You might now think that it's oh so wonderful and easy, but how far would you have gotten without me? I won't always be there for you! When you lie on the floor of your minuscule room, your rent is three weeks late, your mind blank for the fourth week straight, then you will wish that you had listened to old Nomiya a bit more. When you keep measuring how the shadow of your chair becomes longer over the spring because that's all your lethargy allows, maybe that's when you will start caring about your career!" Shinichi shouted as what he was doing was trying to point her in the right direction. The right direction to Rin was the wrong direction.
"That doesn't matter anymore. You tried to destroy me, you destroyed Eleanor, and you could have destroyed everyone if you got your hands onto them. I think you have too much resolve in that head of yours." Rin spat. Tucker listened, this was a rare moment, he had never heard Rin be so angry before.
"Your resolve is not enough." Shinichi told Rin that if he had too much resolve, then her resolve was only a tenth of what he had.
"I am not a resolved person." Rin added. "All of those class time and painting was nothing more than being worthless and if I took the painting money made for famous artists, I would have spent it on something else that would make me happy. Maybe that mosquito brain of yours doesn't know what makes people happy at the end of the day!" Rin shouted.
"You are not a resolved person... Then tell me, why... why... WHY DID WE GO THROUGH ALL THIS TROUBLE IF IT AMOUNTS TO A MOSQUITO'S SHIT?" Shinichi screamed at Rin as his voice echoed throughout the hallway. Tucker didn't know how to cover his ears to not hear Shinichi's ire if he only had one hand. Oh dear, the teacher blew a fuse. Him yelling at Rin makes Tucker feel bystander's guilt. If Tucker had gone with her, maybe he wouldn't have gotten so angry. If he had not let her run away, he wouldn't have gotten angry in the first place. Tucker still could go and save her... but he doesn't think he could. He was the same. Tucker yelled at Eleanor too, and he was starting to feel all the more embarrassed about it now. Tucker felt justified to vent his anger at her face just because... just because he felt it was her fault that he was so frustrated with her not doing her schoolwork. Tucker was no more justified than the teacher is at this point.
A terrible silence sets upon the hallway. Rin does not have anything to say to Nomiya. Whether she has run out of answers or she knows that arguing would only make him angrier is anyone's guess. The teacher has nothing more to say either, it seems, or maybe he just ran out of breath. For a moment, Tucker could imagine the two of them just staring at each other, one full of red-hot anger, the other full of... yes, what? He couldn't tell how Rin feels, not before, not now. Shinichi seems to expect Rin to say something too, but since she doesn't, he finally continues in a quieter, but not less angry voice.
"What worth is there in doing so much work if the outcome is... nothing?" Shinichi told Rin as he knew he shouldn't have set off his temper. Rin said nothing, still defiant like a castle wall as stones were flung into it. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten this angry." He was trying to amend the relationship with Rin and get her to fold her card and return to painting, but Rin stood there defiant to the end, waiting for Tucker to come to her rescue. He does not sound sorry at all. Rather, his tone is cold and sharp, like he was spitting the words out of his mouth. "It seems that I was expecting too much. You are not an artist after all." Shinichi angrily told Rin that she had thrown her dreams away. Yeah, not sorry at all. He storms out of the club room and down the stairs without noticing Tucker waiting to make his move.
Tucker then grabbed Shinichi by the tie and pulled him to his face. Tucker released the tie from his grip and swung his fist around, landing square on Shinichi's face. This caused his glasses to fall off. Tucker then stomped his foot onto them, causing the glasses to break into several pieces. Shinichi looked down to see his glasses had been destroyed. He looked up at Tucker who delivered another punch like a striking snake, Shinichi's nose began to bleed before Tucker punched him again.
"Get out!" Tucker spat at Shinichi. Shinichi, feeling defeated, turns and begins to stumble away with a broken nose. Rin was right, you needed to hurt someone to get them to ruin their reputation even if it had to end in violence. Tucker looked down at Shinichi's now destroyed glasses before he watched him stumble around the bend. After he is gone, Tucker peeks carefully inside the classroom. Rin is left standing there, in front of the teacher's desk. Rin heard the commotion outside as if she was beginning to regret trying to stand up for herself.
"I couldn't say I am sorry." Rin began, she was still spitting out words while on her rage high. Tucker walked in as he definitely had a couple drops of blood on his hands for when he punched Shinichi. She says it into the humid air of the classroom, not to him. But since the room won't answer her, Tucker knew he will have to."
"That was unfair of him... He was angry, but still… I'm just as angry as you are." Tucker admitted to Rin. Tucker can't decide how to end his sentence. Disdaining the teacher feels like disdaining his own behavior from two days ago. Stupid, but correct in hindsight. Rin won't answer, staying petrified where she stands, so Tucker walks up to her. She stood up for herself. In a way. He didn't expect that. Tucker can't determine whether it's unbecoming or not, but either way, she did it. Against him, she never did. Tucker sort of wished she had, maybe He would not feel this bad then. Lately, it really seems that He had been wishing for all kinds of things. He knew he needed to get Rin's attention. "Rin?"
"Go away." Rin told Tucker that she wanted to be alone. Tucker didn't know what Rin wanted to say to get herself off of her rage.
"Why... what are you saying?" Tucker asked Rin if she was still angry with him.
Katawa Shoujo- Shadow of the Truth
"You're angry with me too, right? I thought you were my friend. I thought he was, too." Rin asked as she began to sniff. It was clear she was upset. Tucker didn't know how to react. He was angry too but not on Rin especially with the conversation they had earlier. Her voice is unlike he had ever heard it, it's bitter, sharp like needles, and she keeps staring pointedly at her toes.
"I don't think it's about that. He wanted you to be something you are not. And..." Tucker began. He was desperate to relieve his anger out of his system as he was talking to Rin. "I'm not angry at you." Tucker takes a deep breath and finally catches her eyes on his own, locking their gazes. "...I'm sorry. I wanted us to be something else too... more than friends. Maybe that's why I couldn't contain myself and became so frustrated, just like the teacher did."
"What more? There is nothing more to me than me, that's all I am. I don't understand that." Rin asked, she didn't know what more there was to her. Well... the answer should be obvious, right? Tucker remembered himself, thinking of the purpose of friendship. To put up with everything and anything, to be there for your friend. Did he fail as a friend, thinking it could be a stepping-stone for something else? Maybe because of those thoughts, he didn't manage to put up with things, to keep it together. As outrageous as Rin is and was at times, Tucker shouldn't have let himself get caught into that, especially when he started feeling the way he did towards her. So, did Tucker fail? That's what her eyes seem to ask.
"I'm sorry, Rin. I might not be able to be your friend. I don't think I could ever be a good friend to you." Tucker told Rin almost if he was ready to break down into tears again. Rin looked at him. Tucker didn't usually say these things because they are true, not because one of them would like to hear them. But they are something that must be said. The finality of his words creates a shaking silence, for what could either of them add to that.
"Why? Why does all this happen? People are doing things I don't ask for and don't want and everyone keeps getting angry at me, I have no idea what is going on anymore and can't stop feeling like I want to run away from everything..." Rin expressed her fears to run and hide if it meant waiting for the storm to blow over. Rin stood up for herself and was feeling guilty about it. She shuts her eyes tight and breathes out deeply, calmly. When the eyelids open, all he can see is dark green desperation. "I have no idea what's wrong with me!" Rin cried out in despair. Her frenetic outburst stupefies Tucker for a moment, and for a heartbeat they just gaze into each other's faces. Seeing her confused eyes desperately looking for answers from his only makes Tucker sad, because he knew he would have none.
"I don't know either. But you know, you yourself said that things are not right nor wrong. They just are. You either accept them, work to change them or give up. It's not that I hate you, or that teacher Nomiya does. I just... think that I am the kind of person who gives up when he feels he can't go on. And even if you hate it, this... this is... how things are." Tucker tried to explain to Rin that he didn't hate her as much as he loved her. He didn't want to let Rin go from his grasp. He was moreover worried about his parents finding out he had caused a fistfight with Shinichi over Rin, and he knew things were going to go downhill. He was saying pretty cruel things, but he can't stop himself, the words keep rolling off his tongue with slow, hard certainty. Tucker can see them hitting Rin almost like physical blows. As the wetness gathers into the corners of her eyes, they are still wide with the shock of rejection. As the tears start rolling down her pale cheeks, she does nothing to stop them. As they fall down on the floor one by one, she stands still, staring at Tucker with a gaze full of hollow disbelief. Rin didn't say anything, she was beginning to cry. But reality catches up to both of them. Rin slumps forward as if she was deflating and buries her face as deep in his shirt as she can. Rin is heavy and featherlight when Tucker supports her weight. She doesn't really sob or bawl, just leans against him, letting her tears burn through his shirt into the skin underneath. And Tucker let her, bringing his hand around her shoulders in a clumsy hug that does no good to comfort her. Tucker can feel Rin's vertebrae against my fingertips, like hard and jagged reminders of how messed up things are. Her slim shoulder quivering against his palm is a pitiable sight, and the hopelessness of being part of the cause for Rin's sadness keeps shredding his heart.
To make a girl cry is the most despicable thing to do. Even Rin. Especially Rin. Behind that veil of aloofness, Rin is just a human being too. Just as confused, scared and lost as any of them is. Most of the time it seems that there is no rhyme or reason for what Rin does and says, but for once, Tucker thinks he really understands how she feels. But no words can express it, and no words can make it better. So wordless they stay, quietly waiting for her tears to run out. Time passes agonizingly slowly, even the lazy specks of dust floating in the air seem to pause into a standstill. The obligatory wall clock is ticking distractingly from above the door. Tucker decided against counting the seconds, because it would make them feel longer. ... Eventually Rin stirs a little and is still smothering herself against his chest, muttering into his shirt.
Katawa Shoujo- Lullaby of Open Eyes
"Let me be here for a while. Please, Tucker. Just give me a little while." Rin told Tucker. A soothing deluge spreads into his consciousness, the knowledge that while being here for Rin is all Tucker could do for her, that's all she wants right now, even after all they've gone through.
"Sure. You helped me when I had to deal with Eleanor, and I'll help you in return." Tucker told Rin that he was paying her back for when she helped him.
"I say we're even at this point." Rin admitted. So, she stays there. But Tucker still can't bring himself to draw her closer so he could embrace her properly. It's because doing it would just make him so sad that he doesn't know if he could bear it. The realization that they might never really be able to become what we want to be for the other crystallizes into their minds as a diamond-hard enlightenment. A pang surges through his heart like an electric shock. It's painful. This clarity... hurts. What can they be for each other? What meaning is there for them to desperately cling to each other even though it seems so futile? What should Tucker say to Rin when he beats the daylights out of Shinichi just to protect her.? How to make her feel better? Tucker does not know any of those things, and he feared knowing them would only hurt more. Forcefully, Tucker decided to push all of that out of my mind because he doesn't want to be thinking of hurtful truths. His thoughts calm down moments later, the sadness disperses until all that is left is him and Rin and the tender feeling of her warmth and softness against his chest.
When did she fall in love with him? Tucker can't remember, but he was certain it was way before the warm touch of her lips on his own, on that orange-colored afternoon when she was sick with cold, and he went to see her for unclear reasons. Her carefree attitude, the air of otherness around her, all the things that make Rin herself... those things captured him with irresistible force. The way she could take in anything and everything giving it only the value she herself placed, weighing all things fairly and without prejudice, seeing the world as she wanted. Playing games, seeing stuff they had never seen before, befriending Hanako even at the summer Satou house. This is something he thought he could never do, and Rin was probably more of a muse to him than anything ever was to her, but they did it. She seemed so free to him, truly a free spirit. While Tucker, constantly worrying about everything, seemed so inhibited that it was almost embarrassing. Maybe that's why he latched so tightly onto Rin, trying to get inside her world that was so different from his boring own life.
Before Tucker had noticed it, that irresistible force had pulled him dangerously close to her, but it turned out to be way too alien for him. And he had forgotten Newton, of all things. The gravitational force is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the objects… or Keats telling him how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul? So, if two people feel something for each other... Heh. Even though feelings are not governed by the constants of the universe, Tucker can't help thinking that for some time now he has been a satellite to Rin's brightly shining planet. Planet Rin. The thought makes him almost laugh, she really does seem to be from another planet at times, minus green skin and possibly some tentacles. Perhaps because of his stifled laughter, Rin pulls away and he decides to let her go, feeling the cold when her warmth goes away, and slight embarrassment for letting his thoughts run wild like that. Tucker knew he had to credit that as Rin being a bad influence on me, while being glad at the same time that she can't read thoughts for real. Rin's bitter tears have dried up, and she looks a little more like herself again. The lost look in her eyes is still there though. Her gaze wanders around restlessly before stopping at Tucker.
"What happened just now? Can you tell me?" Rin asked, she felt like she had forgotten everything. Tucker felt like he had forgotten everything himself as well.
"What? What do you mean?" Tucker asked. Rin had stepped away and decided to speak.
"I cried." Rin admitted. Tucker blushed as if he knew he had to say the says that hesitantly, as if not believing it herself.
"So did I… almost… Yes..." Tucker admitted. She keeps staring at Tucker, as if pleading for guidance so that she wouldn't have to feel so lost.
"Why?" Rin asked. Tucker knew he needed to say the truth about it.
"You were sad. Is that what you want me to say? But isn't that obvious?" Tucker asked. He looked down almost if he was going through some rough times himself. Rin walked over before placing her arms on him.
"I don't know. It feels weird to cry." Rin told Tucker in a rather teasing manner. She sensed he was uneasy and knew Tucker needed a lot of fixing to do.
"What? I don't believe it. I mean, everyone does that. It's nor…" Tucker tried to explain. He bites his tongue before he could finish his argument about normality. Norms do not apply to the person he was talking to.
"It always felt so wrong, different from what is in me. Like I couldn't really tell what I felt. So, I started thinking that maybe I don't know what I'm feeling. Maybe it's me who is wrong— I thought about those kinds of things. I thought... that painting was enough because it felt that I did at least that right. That all that is inside me could become a picture if I tried really hard. And it could. But it doesn't feel like it's enough anymore. Because if nobody else can see that, I will still be alone. Was it wrong to try? Everyone got really angry at me for that." Rin explained what emotions were, she had stood up against Shinichi and Tucker still had his blood from when he punched him in the nose.
Tucker rarely heard Rin say this much at once before. Once she finishes, she simply shuts up, looking so neutral that it's hard to believe she just said what she did. Tucker doesn't know what to think. ... Rin was desperate for someone to look at her paintings, and somehow see right through them into her soul, to understand her feelings... Because... she felt she could not express them in any other way? How can one say whether that is right or wrong? Could it be that all this time she's been trying to reach out to Tucker like he'd tried to reach out to her? ... Tucker decides to sit down on a desk to think, and to rest his legs that kept us both standing for a long while.
Katawa Shoujo- Innocence
"You know, when I read a good book or look at a starry sky or whatever, sometimes I too feel something... profound, like a... shoot, I don't know how to describe it. But the instant I try to put it into words I feel that I lose something, it doesn't feel as real, as true as it did inside my head. It feels a bit phony. Damn, even what I just said felt phony." Tucker expressed out loud about his feelings. Rin seemed to giggle at the notion of Tucker messing up. Tucker tries to offer a smile that is meant to be between funny and self-deprecating, but Rin doesn't react. "Anyway... It might be that nobody can ever express their true feelings so that others understand. Reality has no chance of living up to what someone has inside their head. Nothing can match that. Not even your paintings, except maybe for you. But I suppose you can't keep everything inside; you'd explode for real then. What I'm trying to say is... I don't think it's wrong to express your feelings, even if you use painting as your conduit. You just can't expect people to understand you any better than they would if you did it any other way. In fact, you can't expect people to understand you at all. It's because everything is so subjective. You see the world the way you do, but it's different from everyone else." Tucker tried to explain to Rin. Rin had more questions to ask.
"But isn't that terrible?" Rin asked. Tucker seemed to be taken away with Rin's behavior.
"I guess it is, in a way." Tucker tried to explain to Rin. She frowns, looking probably as stricken as she can. Which is not much, but it's enough for Tucker to understand that Rin is not particularly happy with the life she had and wanted to find her own path much to Shinichi's fury.
"I think it might make me sad after all." Rin admitted. She wanted to see what it was like without strings attached.
"Yeah. I know. I wish I could do something to help it." Tucker sighed. He doesn't think he sounds bitter, even though he was, a little. This is his problem in the end. Tucker cannot be what Rin wants for her. And for the same reason, she can't do the same for him either. She makes a difficult face, carefully trying to pick the words she wants to say. So, Rin has times when it's hard to say anything, too.
"It can't be helped, I think. ...but... if you say that... It makes me feel a little better." Rin admitted. It's funny how some seemingly irrelevant things are the most significant ones at times like this. Like how Rin's voice is very very small, barely audible when she says that. And how even her short bangs can cover her eyes when she looks downwards. And how they can't cover the deep red color rising on her cheeks and all the way to the tips of her ears. They turn into a very interesting shade of red. A deafening silence follows. It's very awkward, as if Tucker saw something that wasn't meant to be seen, even if it wasn't on purpose. He doesn't know what to say to that, but Tucker keeps feeling like he should know. She doesn't either. Still, it feels like there is no momentum to lose even if we keep silent. Like we have some weird, wordless connection that would hold even so. Rin keeps shifting her weight from one foot to the other restlessly, looking everywhere around the room except at him. She is the one who finally breaks the spell.
"Can we go? I don't want to stay here." Rin asked Tucker if they could go somewhere else.
"Oh, yeah, of course. Where?" Tucker asked as they wanted to abandon the art room for good. His reply is covering his nervousness as badly as her question is covering hers.
"You can go wherever you like. I want to sleep. I haven't really slept for a few weeks. It feels like there is a flock of light blue butterflies inside my head. It makes it hard to think properly. The kind that you think is too blue to really exist, like Emi's panties this morning." Rin admitted. She was mentally exhausted from all of this and when it came to it, she wanted to crash in the end and take a nap. She shakes her head, and Tucker almost expects a couple of ultramarine colored Morphos to pop out of her ears. A small smile tugs upwards the corners of her mouth.
"That reminds me. The blue, not the panties. The word for a flock of butterflies is a swarm. I looked it up." Rin told Tucker what she remembered. Tucker gave a laugh looking at Rin. That makes one of his eyebrows rise into a questioning arch.
"Why don't you use it then?" Tucker asked curiously.
"I like the other word better." Rin giggled while looking at Tucker. Why look it up in the first place, then?
"Then you should use it, right?" Tucker asked Rin. Rin nods and falls silent, her gaze escaping mine to the side, attracted by the dark orange sunlight refracting from the windows. They decided to stay like that for a little while: me silently looking at her silently looking out of the window.
"Hey... you all right now?" Tucker asked Rin if she was feeling better. She glances at me from the corner of her eye, looking wistful again. The sunlight's reflection doesn't betray any more of her inner feelings.
"I'll need to think about that." Rin playfully told Tucker. Tucker wanted to continue this conversation, grasping at those straws that she finally revealed to even exist. But Rin is looking out of the window so absentmindedly that he knew she won't be responsive in any way that would make sense. It's like some kind of defense mechanism of hers, to avoid being sensible. Her mind is like a butterfly in itself, always fluttering somewhere away whenever it's stirred. Just when he thought he could see behind her veil, she jumps out of Tucker's reach again. Maybe that's just how Rin is. Maybe that's something Tucker should just accept to get some peace of mind.
"Okay. I'll walk you back to the dorms then." Tucker offered Rin to bring her back. Rin smiled before she began to walk.
"Thanks. Really." Rin told Tucker. She got up as they both began walking down the empty hallways of the school devoid of its students feeling very lonely. Less than one hour after the last teachers had left, the building seemed to be deserted, and all that intrudes on the stillness of the hallways are their footsteps. The change is sudden, but it shows how the building is just an empty shell, dead without its students and teachers. It's as though the school has become a private world for only the two of them, a desolate place filled with silence and chalk dust.
"I think I have to change." Rin told Tucker. She says it out of the blue while we walk down the staircase from the third floor, still managing to feel like she is mirroring what he was thinking just before.
"That's what people must do, sometimes." Tucker expressed his opinion. He was thinking back to when Rin said I love you on the dandelion hill and it made his day, and the kiss was the icing on the cake. That's the last thing they said to each other that day, even though there would be so much to talk about. And even those words drown in the all-encompassing silence, disappearing into the stagnant air as if they were never said. Tucker heard a buzzing on his phone. He read the text. "Oh no, my mother is coming over later, she wants to speak to me about what happened yesterday. I don't think I'm ready." Rin stepped forward as she knew she could lend a hand.
"I'll go speak to your mom and tell her what happened but we're going to do this together." Rin told Tucker that to pay back the favor, she was going to help him find out what happened. Tucker was grateful for Rin's help and maybe he could mend the relationship with his parents.
Tucker knew Rin was the one thing keeping him going and now he was ready to see his mother.
[A/N]: A very long chapter but this is being split into two parts. The second part is Mrs. Kagami comes over and speaks to Tucker directly. Rin thinks she could help things out regarding the situation, but will it be successful is the question. Goodbye.