Nocturne - Chapter Sixty: Drag Me Down
Rated - M (for extremely suggestive adult themes, references to harsh violence, and coarse language)
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.
Possible Trigger warning. Abuse is abuse, no matter what form it comes in. That being said, there isn't a right way to overcome abuse of any kind. Everyone has their own journey, and sometimes the roads can be short or long and twisted. It is all up to the individual. I want to take this opportunity to reflect on those who have experienced the trauma of abuse and wish them well on their journey, whether they are at the beginning or the middle (the traumas of abuse never end).
o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o
Sango walked down the street, defeated. She looked up, seeing Sesshomaru with a formidable countenance perched upon a roof, watching her approach.
"She wouldn't speak to me," Sango admitted.
Sesshomaru looked down the road towards the house where his Miko had escaped. "You exchanged words. That hardly constitutes a lack of speech."
"Then you heard what she said?" Sango guessed. She wasn't sure whether or not his hearing could pick up sound from yards away but couldn't put it past him.
Sesshomaru pressed a narrow-eyed gaze down upon the taijiya woman. "Enough to know this one's presence is tolerated."
Sango threw up her hands defensively. "I did not mean…."
He raised a hand to silence her. "There is no need to bandy words. Your hospitality is appreciated but ends now."
She looked blanched after possibly offending Sesshomaru but quickly settled. She opened her mouth to say something else, but he lept from the roof and flew towards the house where Kagome hid within.
He had planned to charge inside and collect her, quite literally if necessary, but he knew he would not be easily forgiven had he carried out his poorly conceived plan. Instead, he waited nearby. Close enough to sense when she left, but out of sight no matter her direction.
Sesshomaru watched for hours as she moved from house to house, looking more and more haggard as she carried on, clearly having no thought for her well-being. It pained him to watch her endure self-inflicted hardship even more because he was helpless, and helplessness was not something he was familiar with. The concept was all but foreign to him, yet here he was without thought or plan to ease her pain.
Darkness encroached, but the stubborn woman worked all through the night. It was not until the early hours of the morning that the Miko finally emerged from one last house, covered in blood. Sesshomaru steeled himself from rushing to her, knowing the blood was not hers. He had watched her every night since she had left to carry out her healing duties, and every night she had caught a few hours of sleep in a spare room or unused space of a gracious villager. This night, she seemed to have other plans.
From his perch, he saw her look down at herself and examine the state of her clothes. If he were closer, he could imagine that the Miko would have pursed her lips and furrowed her brow in annoyance. She gathered her things in a small satchel she had gained and carried supplies with her, likely gained over the past few days from various means, and started to walk down the streets and towards the edge of the village.
Sesshomaru followed at a safe distance. Had she known he was following her, she may have changed course to avoid him, but he was determined to head her off where she could no longer put him off.
Kagome headed towards a hot spring located not far off from the village perimeter. The locals had dug out the area to enlarge the springs to accommodate the growing numbers, so it was reasonably close, but no one was likely visiting now. She looked around to ensure she was alone before pulling off her blood-crusted clothes and cleaning herself from a bucket of water. Satisfied that she was clean, she entered the hot spring, tentatively testing the water with a toe and easing in to soothe muscles.
He waited until she'd settled and the hot waters had eased her into a state of complacency. Her head lulled to the side slightly as sleep began to take hold. Sesshomaru walked into the moonlight, abandoning his concealed spot, taking in the lovely sight of her dozing form. Even now, she was beautiful, despite the warring madness that battled within her mind that kept her away.
It had crossed his mind to join her in the pool of inviting waters, but an unseen veil between them urged him to stay at a distance. "Kagome," he called.
She jerked slightly, her eyes blinking open. She registered who had called to her, sinking into the water slightly to conceal her body. "Sesshomaru," she responded, casting her eyes from him. There was nowhere to escape that he could not easily follow, so she had no choice but to face him now. Still, even with nowhere to go, the miko would not look at him.
She fidgeted, crossing her arms over her breasts and causing a gentle ripple to pan out over the hot water of the springs. Even had he wanted to look, the steam rising from the water was enough to cloud the view, but Sesshomaru knelt at the spring's edge and focused his gaze at the balmy surface, slowly dragging his fingers through the water. "Why do you run?"
She shifted again, pulling into herself, "I…" she hesitated, troubled at finding words.
"There is nothing you can say that would change my thoughts towards you."
A bitter laugh erupted from her lips. Finally looking up at him, their eyes locked, and she flared momentarily with incredulous fury. "That's easy for you to say now, but you won't accept me once you know the truth."
He remained kneeling; it kept him closer to her level without feeling like he was towering over her. He pulled his hand out of the water, considering her words. "I did bear witness to the torture you'd been subjected to. The scoundrel is dead, and you are free."
Sesshomaru grimaced at the memory of his woman trapped and bloody beneath the body of his enemy. "If it would bring you comfort, I would resurrect the bastard and tie his soul to the endless torment of my wrath."
Kagome squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. "I am not free."
"The abomination is dead, and his progeny scattered. He cannot reach you nor touch you from the pits of hell to which he was sentenced. The shackles of his doom protect him from anything I may conjure up as punishment should he be so inclined to drag his carcass from the netherworld."
"You put it so eloquently, Sesshomaru, but you forget, or you have chosen to ignore it. He…" tears escaped her eyes while she continued, falling to mingle with the hot waters of the pool, "planted a seed within me, knowing it would grow and like a willow tree, erode the precarious foundation of our relationship."
"It is only in your mind where this seed exists. Quash it, and let us be gone from here."
"It's so much more than that," she looked him up and down. "What if I were pregnant, Sesshomaru?" She asked finally.
His eyes widened, and his nostrils flared at the question. "No."
"No? Saying it doesn't make it so."
Sesshomaru stood straight at the application she made, going rigid with barely veiled anger. "Then you shall rid yourself of the abomination within your womb. Use your mortal herb-logic, and all shall be well."
Kagome chewed on her lip, her thoughts running rampant as she tried to hold them altogether amid her crumbling mindset. "I cannot," she uttered quietly. "I can not bear to carry out such a heinous act if it would even work. I cannot bear to have you look at me, even now. I know that you would always see me…in that position."
"This one would not," he said gently.
She shot up out of the water, standing rigid with anger and fists clenched at her sides. Water rivulets dripped from her naked flesh, and her chest heaved from the quick exertion. "Do not lie to yourself, much less me!"
"You wouldn't be able to help it. It would come to you unbidden at any time. even if you could push it from your conscious thoughts, it would creep in like ivy, its tendrils slow yet pervasive." She quivered with barely bridled fury. "Dare you suggest you could overlook not only my shame but the product of my shame?"
Kagome shook her head. "You couldn't. Your pride and honor are ingrained too deep within you to let this pass by."
His pride prickled at being called into question. He could control his thoughts and quash unwelcome ones. Dare she suggests otherwise! "I have overlooked much since our union, and all else has been brought to heel."
"So rather than accept me for who and what I am, you just overlook it?" She questioned darkly. "Is being human that offensive?"
"You are no longer human, but something more," he added defensively. He could sense her fury through her clenched jaw and rigid posture and her disregard for her casual display of nudity, something she would typically refuse to do in the open where foreign eyes could be laid upon her.
"That's right because you "fixed" that for me. How dare I be mortal or human," she mocked with tears welling in her eyes. Her fury exhausted, she slumped back into the water and collapsed back into herself. "Just go…you can't fix this."
It nagged at him that he had not navigated this encounter adeptly and been dismissed so casually. Sesshomaru felt out of place and at a loss. What did she want or expect from him? He had told her all he thought she would want to hear, but that was not good enough.
o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o
Kagome placed her head on her knees, wrapping her arms around them tightly to cocoon herself within the hot spring waters that were doing no good to thaw her frozen heart.
She'd come to the springs seeking solace and respite from her self-imposed hardship. Part of her expected Sesshomaru to seek her out, but the other half had been dredged in fear and shame, hoping he would not. It wasn't a surprise that he had followed her here. After all, he'd been following her, lurking just out of sight while she actively avoided him.
His words about 'overlooking' and 'fixing' hadn't surprised her either, but they'd infuriated her all the same. Kagome knew that their relationship was precarious at the best of times. Still, her stubborn, emotionally-charged outlook had somehow worked for a while, balancing out his detached, prideful personality. They filled each other's cups, hers filled with calm rationality, his with willful perspective, and mixed with an unbridled passion that neither knew they had lacked in life until their first encounter. Unfortunately, their compromise of a relationship would not be enough to weather the storm when pride and emotion were called into play.
Kagome heard his steps fade from the area, and her heart sank deeper into her chest. She hadn't thought it could sink further than its current place, but she'd been wrong. He could have flown off had he liked, but his footsteps were deliberate, so she would know for a fact that he had done as she'd asked. That is what she wanted, right? Her traitorous thoughts cajoled her. No, not truly what she'd wanted, but her equally treacherous tongue would not voice her desperate plea for help.
Gripping herself tighter as a chill ran through her, despite the warm waters, she braced herself in an attempt to purge the feelings from her mind, but it was a battle she was losing.
The waters rippled around her, and she gasped once she felt the sensation of a body slipping in behind her and positioning her in an embrace. Strong hands gently peeled her apart from herself and pulled her back against a firm chest. Outrage was quickly quelled and replaced with anguish.
Sesshomaru leaned his head against the curve of her neck and tightened his grip around her reassuringly. She could feel his saturated robes weighing against her as his arms encircled her, adding to the calming effect his presence now brought. Still, tears welled upon her eyes, and it took every last shred of her willpower to keep it locked down in front of him. He could not be allowed to witness her weakness, just another thing for him to overlook or fix.
"Sesshomaru, I…"
He murmured against her neck, silencing her. "This one will be your anchor. Whatever anguish you are keeping locked down, let it loose."
Her sobs obeyed his words as if they were the key to the lock she had placed on her emotional well. They came silently; first, long gripping moans emptied her lungs and threatened to rob her of air as she took in fitful gasps. Tears had no such issue and freely escaped to mingle with the spring waters. Despite her body's convulsions through her lament, Sesshomaru held her steadfast, acting as her anchor just as he'd promised.
How much time had passed, she wasn't sure, but the nocturnal fauna still echoed through the trees. Kagome felt raw and ragged afterward, but her pain loomed off in the distance, still not completely abated. Still, she felt the weight of agony lessen from her chest.
Kagome allowed her head to fall back and rest against his shoulder, and she breathed in his scent, masculine and fresh mixed with the balmy air of the springs. They shared this now tender moment in silence, her arms wrapping around his.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"There is naught for which you must apologize, beloved." He pulled an arm up and moved a damp strand of hair behind her ear. "It is I that must repent, for my words have not offered the respite this one had hoped."
She sighed, the voices inside her head trying to drag her back down. Shaking her head, "I know you tried, and you will continue to try. You don't have it in you to quit. But I'm asking you to let me go."
There was silence for a moment that nearly frightened Kagome while Sesshomaru considered her words and his response to them. "No."
"No?" She repeated and partially turned to look at him. His eyes were determined, and his face set.
"You shall not let Fan Tsenpo win, even in death. The excuse for an inuyoukai attempted to play against his perceived connotations of this one, knowing that our kind is unmalleable in our view of tradition, honor, and pride."
"However, he could never have known the joy and enlightened qualities humanity can bring. He attempts to temper, control, and wield all within his purview, which is a flawed attribute many of our kind share. He assumed that this one also harbored such traits. That is why he felt his actions would be resounding and carry on even in the event of his death."
"He could not have been more misguided."
Kagome wrinkled her nose, "So if I were with child, you wouldn't have any problems with that. Not as long as I murdered it." Contempt resounded through her words at the thought.
He hesitated, contemplating his words. "It would rankle my pride, to be sure," he admitted. "No matter what may come, by your side is where I shall remain." He drug his thumb across her chin, running it back and forth her jaw in a gentle caress.
Kagome turned her head, egged on by the voices and unconvinced. "No, I will only drag you down."
"Peace, beloved." He returned his arm to encase her in a warm embrace. "If the currents of your mind pull you down, I will follow you and bring you back, for we are tethered, bound to one another."
He kissed her temple and gave a gentle squeeze, relaxing against one another at this moment in time, before the pressures of reality threatened to tear away all they had built.