CHAPTER EIGHTY-THREE

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The next several dozen miles pass in almost complete silence, Jax fell into his thoughts and I left him there to make his way back to me when he'd sorted the tangle in his head.

We're only about 5 miles from the outskirts of town when my phone rings. Picking it up from the centre console I flick it open "Hey D. What's up?"

"Just thought I'd give you a heads up, Gemma's at Jax's and started hounding us about where you were and why I was there with your truck." Donna sounds apologetic but giggles a little "I didn't tell her anything other than you got held up but wouldn't be far behind us."

I frown slightly and glance at Jax, he still hasn't spoken a word, his attention firmly fixed on the road in front of us. "Okay, thanks D."

I close my phone with a sigh and throw it back into the centre console. Jax doesn't say anything and it's not till we're on the final part of the road into town that he shakes his head with a decisive movement and looks towards me "You a'ight Darlin'?"

I shrug "That depends, wanna tell me what's had you locked in your own head?"

Jax pulls into the little car park area that's just in front of the 'Welcome to Charming' sign and turns in his seat. Pulling my hand from my lap he laces his fingers between my own, one side of his mouth lifting in a half smile. "When I said to you before about my body craving contact with yours it was the truth and it scares the shit outta me. I've never needed anyone as much as I need you; I've never wanted someone as much as I want you. There's this part of my brain that's screaming at me that I'm going to fuck it up and you're going to leave and that I should be prepared for it."

I open my mouth to say something but Jax reaches over with our laced together fingers and puts the tip of one on my lips "This is hard for me Sarah, so please let me finish." I nod silently and pull one of my lip rings between my teeth.

"The day that you came back into town I was furious with you and I had no idea why. I managed to convince myself that I didn't want you in town, thinking about it now I think it was more that Tara convinced me that I didn't want you back here. I realise now why I thought I was so mad." Jax lifts my hand from my lap again and kisses it softly "It was the absence of longing and the feeling of missing you that vanished from my brain that made everything seem too much brighter and more intense. I was still mad at you for having left and I convinced myself that I was mad that you came back." Jax takes a couple of deep breaths before continuing "If you ask Ma she'll tell you that it wasn't till after Tara left that I realised how much I needed you and how much I loved you but the truth is that I realised that day you came back. Seeing you in Church and hearing what happened to you I wanted to lock you in my arms and not let go of you till we'd found Craig and skinned him alive. The scars on your arm you'll carry for the rest of your life and I couldn't look at them without feeling guilty. It was my fault you left and that happened to you so I thought it was my punishment, my karma to be with Tara and be unhappy. I hoped that you'd find someone and then you got so friendly with Happy and I wanted to kill him. He's my brother and I love him but every time he touched you I wanted to rip off one of his limbs and beat him with it, it was the same no matter who it was that touched you. Even Ope who's not just my brother but my best friend. I wanted to force feed him his hands for hugging you. I knew I was in trouble the first second I saw you when you came to TM, hearing your voice it was like this part of my heart reconnected and suddenly everything was so intense it was overwhelming."

I'm stunned, the request for me to be silent doesn't matter anymore, my thought processes have been erased, there's no connections between any of my synapses and I know there's a blank expression on my face, but the bombshells that Jax is dropping don't stop and I'm slightly grateful at the way he starts his next sentence "I'm almost done babe, I told you today that I will spend every minute of the rest of my life making up for the fuck up today and I will, but I also want to spend every minute of the rest of our lives making sure you know how much I love you, and I will remind you every day that you are the person that I want by my side till the day that my heart stops beating, cause from the second I met you it was beating for you."

My eyes well up with tears, as if today hadn't been an emotional enough day with the wills being done, finalising the purchase of two buildings, the adoption paperwork that got sprung on me now Jax has started to channel his inner romantic.

Jax looks panicked for a second when tears stream down my cheeks "Fuck, what did I do now?"

I shake my head, undoing my seat belt and leaning across the car, the fingers of one hand lacing into his hair. Pressing my lips to his he barely has time for a muffled intake of breath before my tongue is in his mouth.

The groan that rumbles its way up from his chest sounds slightly pained so I pull back with wet cheeks and a huge smile. "I'm not going to be able to articulate what I want to say properly so all I'll say is that I love you, I will love you till the world ends."

Jax smiles "That's enough babe." He leans forward and kisses me again, his kiss demanding but short and hot enough that my breath comes in panting gasps. His forehead rests against mine, his own heavy breaths brushing across my face "I can't wait to get you home."

I groan in disappointment. "Sorry baby, but your mother is at your house waiting for us."

"Fuck. What does she want?" He asks, sounding truly pissed off at the delay that his mother's presence puts on his plans.

I shrug as I readjust myself back into my seat "Don't know. D rang to let me know she was there, so Gem already knows that there's something up cause we weren't in the truck with them."

Jax runs his hand over his face and frowns "I guess we'll go see what she wants."

I nod and reach over, picking up his hand, kissing his knuckles softly "And then when she's gone you can fuck me against the front door."

Jax's grin turns into a promise and threat all in one, the twitch of his lips showing that he likes the idea and he's already trying to work out how to get his mother out of the house as fast as possible. "How is it that you do that?"

"What?"

"You go from sweet and innocent to hot and sexy in less than one sentence." Jax glances over at me as we turn the first of the few corners to get to his house.

"It only happens with you Jax. There is something about you, the presence you have about you that just relaxes me completely and allows me to be myself without worrying about your reactions."

Jax sighs and squeezes my fingers "I'm sorry you couldn't be yourself for so long Darlin'. There's no way that anyone will ever make you try and be someone you're not."

I smile "I know Jax, I've been more myself since I came back then I have been. There was a Charming Sarah and a New York Sarah and it took a bit for me to realise after all the shit with Craig that they were the same person and admitting that I was that slightly weird chick who liked country music and rock, baking and corsets, speed and Sunday drives to the middle of nowhere was hard. For a while it seemed to me like I had two personalities who were trying to vie for the top spot, but I just had to accept that it was all just me."

Jax chuckles as he turns onto his street, immediately spotting my Nitro parked in the drive in front of his house and Gemma's Caddy behind it. "You're a multi layered person babe with so many facets to you that there will be a surprise every day."

I smile as he stops he car on the grass beside his mother's car, reaching to undo my seat belt he holds my hand tighter "Just wait a second, before you get out of the car and we go to deal with my mother I want you to stop and breathe for a second."

I lean back into my seat and take several deep breaths while Jax turns the car off and gathers the bits of paper from the centre. He glances over at me and opens his door "Just remember, I love you, all your personality bits that will surprise me every day and all. The day that I don't learn something about you will be both happy and sad, happy because it means we would have been together for decades by then, but sad because everything about you excites and intrigues me."

I giggle "I love you too, enough that I'll put up with your overbearing mother who's heading in our direction."

Jax turns and looks out the windscreen at Gemma who's just stepped off the bottom step and walking towards us with a confused look on her face.