Chapter 4

The lights in the cockpit were dimmed to match the evening atmosphere, if only to provide some recognizable day-night cycle. Buttons on the console flashed quietly around the room. A slow, blinking warning icon went unnoticed. Rey sat in the worn pilot's chair, her legs pulled up and tucked against her chest. She wore a bright smile and gestured with one hand as she held a small glass in the other. In the co-pilot's seat, Ben was reclined as he sipped at his glass with eyes closed. His legs were stretched out on the console in front of him, just out of the way of a row of levers.

The heaviness of the conversation had long been washed away with the alcohol, and much of the substance had been lost as well. They had spent hours going back and forth on the matter, getting nowhere and eventually starting tangents about everything unrelated. As the night drew on, it seemed only inevitable the conversation would grow evermore existential, as if swimming through the vastness of space was not enough for their troubled minds.

Rey broke the pause in conversation, waving her free hand, and using one foot to swivel the chair gently back and forth.

"Okay, okay, I don't want to put you on the spot, but what were your thoughts when we first met?"

"You mean on Takodana? Or on Ilum—the 'Starkiller'?"

"The interrogation room, so I guess that would be Ilum," Rey said.

At this moment, the memory was as casual as getting lunch or going for a walk around town.

"I guess my first thought was 'This is my competition? Really, I'm supposed to be worried about her?'" He said with a concerned expression.

Rey leaned back and laughed.

"Wow, thanks a lot! That was not the response I was expecting," she said, taking a sip. Ben laughed as well and turned to face her.

"Should I have said something else? I guess I don't remember what my thoughts were; you weren't even the first person I had questioned that day. Why, what did you think?"

"Well, now I don't want to share because I'm going to sound stupid in comparison," she said with a playful pout.

Ben put his feet on the ground and leaned towards her, resting his elbows on his legs.

"No, tell me! I want to hear, I promise I won't think it's stupid," he said, gesturing with his glass.

"No."

"Come on."

"No!"

"You asked the question, it's only fair that you answer it too."

Rey gave a dramatic sigh and uncrossed her arms. Staring out into the star field, she smiled.

"I guess, I was just, erm, surprised that you were so young and, well—"

"Not some ugly, old guy?"

Rey nodded with a giggle.

"I didn't even think you would be a human to tell you the truth. But, when you took your helmet off, I was like 'Whoa, he's a human; he's like my age.'"

"Actually, I'm probably a bit older than you, and you're missing the part about how taken away you were by my devilishly good looks," Ben said.

He leaned back and ran his fingers through his hair. Rey lightly kicked his leg as she struggled to contain her smile. She could not tell if she was blushing out of embarrassment or because of the alcohol.

"Don't flatter yourself, I think the last thing on my mind was checking you out, considering the circumstances," she said.

"But you were still thinking about it."

"Maybe a little, but are we going to brush past the whole interrogation? It was a little, uh, off-putting to say the least," Rey asked, regaining her confrontational edge.

"You knew I wasn't going to hurt you."

"I did not! I thought my brain was going to start spilling out of my ears!"

"You're being dramatic," Ben said, waving a dismissive hand.

He took a sip of his drink and Rey scoffed.

"Plus, I'm sure you'll give me shit for it for the rest of my life so we're basically even," he added.

"Maybe I will," Rey said.

The two paused, both taking a moment to sip on their drinks and get comfortable again. Now the silence was not so haunting as it had been days prior. Rey admired the stars, never tiring of the endless black canvas. Ben stretched forward to place his empty glass on the console.

"Alright, now it's my turn to ask a question—without the theatrics," he said, turning his chair to face Rey.

Rey rolled her eyes before gesturing for him to continue.

"Tell me, would you have kissed me on Exegol if you didn't know I was about to die?"

Despite the knot that formed in her stomach, Rey did not break eye contact. She searched his eyes for a hint of attitude, but only felt he was being genuine. A small smile formed on her lips.

"I didn't know you were about to die," she said in a soft voice.

At that, a moment of surprise crossed Ben's face, and he looked away before regaining his composure. Rey maintained her stare. Even though her mind felt foggy and placid, she felt she was beginning to see his cool facade coming apart, and with it came a cruel pleasure.

"So, why did you?" He asked.

Rey raised one brow and gave him a puzzled look.

"You're asking why I kissed you after you brought me back to life? It was just the most expressive form of gratitude I could think of at that moment."

"Oh, so it didn't mean anything then?" He asked.

Rey gave an amused huff and crossed her arms.

"That's what this is about? What are we, fourteen? You can't just ask if I have feelings for you?"

"Well, in the time we've known each other, I think it's safe to say there have been some mixed signals. You've done a wonderful job at keeping me guessing," Ben said.

"What's the fun in spelling it out? Besides, most of our interactions haven't been quite this, erm, casual."

Ben smirked and looked down, feeling the answer was right in front of him, except it was in a pile of puzzle pieces. He wasn't one to play guessing games, but something told him he would have to get used to it. As his stare faded into the floor, his smile fell as well.

Without meeting her eyes, Ben began in a serious tone.

"Rey, I've been thinking about what you asked me a few days ago—about why I gave my life for you," he rubbed his neck, then ran his fingers through his hair, "I shouldn't have treated you like I did."

Rey, now looking more sober, set her glass down. Part of her wanted to forgive him and keep the conversation light, but she stayed silent and watched his eyes as they seemed to search for the right words. She could feel the growing anguish like cold seeping through an open window. He continued.

"When I questioned you on Ilum, I didn't feel this way. And then you fought back and saw through me. No one had done that before. I couldn't stop thinking about how similar we were, it was like the first time someone really understood me," Ben said.

He paused to stare off into the stars. Rey leaned in, keeping her eyes on him, soaking in the mournful expression on his face.

"I never should have taken you to Snoke. The way he tortured you; it makes my blood boil just thinking about it. And I was so weak, I just let it happen. All my training, all the years I've wasted on gaining power, it was all useless when I needed it most. And Palpatine, he took everything from me: my youth, my future…and then he took the one person who got me," he looked at Rey, "the one person who cared. So, I gave my life for you, because if it wasn't for my selfishness, you never would have had to endure any of this."

He swallowed hard as he looked into Rey's eyes. He wished he knew what she was thinking; he wished she could feel his pain. He expected her to leave. Instead, Rey reached out and touched his arm; a pull ran through them as if they were gravitating towards each other.

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead. I made the choice to try to turn you. I came to the Supremacy. I don't know much about fate, or the Force, or what the future holds, but we're alive. And if I could go back, Ben, I wouldn't change a thing," Rey said.

Solemnly, Ben nodded his head in agreement. A few long seconds went by before Ben cut through the heavy silence, and in a slightly lighter tone.

"The thing is Rey, you asked me earlier what I want to do and where I want to go. I promised I'd be honest with you, so for that reason my answer hinges on your answer. Because if there's no reason for me to stay, I won't. The galaxy is wide and there are plenty of places for me to go, but if the potential is there, I promise I'll make it work."

"Make what work?" Rey asked.

Ben shrugged.

"Us."

Us.

His voice echoed in Rey's head. She leaned back in her chair and retracted her hand, letting the word sink in. The word hit her in the chest like a blaster shot. Her heart threatened to burst through her ribs. The room was so dim, she could barely see Ben's eyes, but she read his thoughts clearly. He opened his mind to her, just as he had opened his heart.

She swallowed hard at the future he was imagining in one vision, they strolled through the desert capital of Mos Espa, hand-in-hand. They were nothing more than moisture farmers, but they were happy. In another frame, they were on a watery world, sitting on the docks of a floating settlement. Rey did not know how to swim, but it did not matter because Ben was going to teach her. And most importantly, they were happy. The next image had them on a ship, floating through space, going nowhere in particular, but safe in each other's arms. Happy.

Never in her life had Rey imagined any of these possibilities, and never had she experienced such a feeling of longing. She yearned for what she saw in those vignettes: tenderness, loyalty, companionship, intimacy. Family. Things she had waited years on years for. It was all staring her in the face, patiently waiting for her reaction.

She wondered if they would both remember this night as they were experiencing it now, or if it would become an embarrassing memory. She wondered if he was trying to manipulate her. It seemed too good to be true.

With a swell of overwhelming emotion, Rey could barely bring herself to say anything. Facing Ben, she grabbed his hands.

In a soft, resolute voice she simply said,

"I want to try."

Her words emanated through the room, as time disappeared. Ben seemed in a daze for a moment, allowing the words to wash over him a few times. He almost convinced himself he heard her wrong. Before he could start overthinking, Rey entwined their fingers. Her hands were warm and squeezed his with such eagerness. She gave him a doe-eyed look that melted the icy composure he spent years perfecting. He could not remember the last time he felt so scared.

Part of him expected an explosion, or a blaster shot, or an alarm. Anything that might ruin the mood, draw them apart, and otherwise render the moment to one of a fleeting dream.

But nothing happened. There was no urgency. No one was on the verge of death. No clock was ticking. They could sit like this for days if they wished.

And then Rey stood up. Their hands came apart—the moment was gone. Ben had been lost in thought for too long. He barely heard her when she began talking, stumbling over her words.

"Um, well, it's late. This was a lot," she said, lowering her gaze.

Before she could turn and leave, Ben shot up from his chair, his reflexes suddenly returning as if he was fully sober. He grabbed Rey's arm as she turned, using slightly more force than he intended. In an instant, as if he had done this a hundred times, he put one hand on the small of her back and pulled her to him. And like that, their lips met.

There was a pause as both registered what had happened with a short breath. In a fluid motion, Rey reached her hands up his neck, and in tandem they pulled each other close. Chest to chest, their hearts raced side by side. They left no room for doubts to linger. Like a match set aflame, their mental bridge burned between them. The feeling was of such tremendous ecstasy. Breathing became so inconvenient when all they wanted was for their lips to stay locked for eternity.

Rey buried her fingers in Ben's hair, if only to keep him close. Ben allowed both of his hands to move to her waist, holding her tightly against him. The bond was so strong: images, thoughts, fears, and memories exchanged freely between them. Some of it was innocent, and some not so much. The dark and the light seemed to dance between their tongues. It hardly bothered them, as they had been in each other's heads so many times before. Each knew they could hide nothing from the other, and that knowledge was like the sweetest promise.

"Why did you do that?" Rey asked as they pulled apart.

Ben smiled.

"You think too much."

They went in for another kiss, this time slower and with better rhythm. The lingering alcohol in their blood made them forget their own inexperience. Right now, all that mattered was the warmth, and the relief, and the neediness.

Rey was cautious and deliberate in her technique, afraid to push him away. Ben was eager and dominating. He gently bit her lip—a girl from his youth once said that was a sexy thing to do. Rey responded with a breathy moan that surprised them both. They broke for a moment, smiling, blushing and breathless. Ben rested his forehead on hers. They closed their eyes, holding each other as if this is how it's always been. It was the closest either of them had ever come to feeling whole.

Ben let his hands fall from her waist to grab her hands. A tune played between them—the Force was singing. The very stars they sailed through were pleased.

"Thank you," Ben said.

"For what?" Rey asked softly.

"For not giving up on me."

In the quiet of the night, Ben sat alone in the cockpit, staring into space. The room was dark, save for the glow of the console. The hum of the engines filled the cabin like white noise. Rey had retired to her room hours ago, their brief exchange now a pleasant memory. Ben replayed it in his mind over and over, reliving the feeling and taste of her like it was his last day. But he was not in a somber mood, instead he felt quite content, comfortable even. The alcohol had been rinsed from his system, or at least enough to warrant some introspection.

As the stars flew past his eyes, so did visions of his past, present, and future. Kylo Ren would have shut down the intrusions, making no attempt to interact with anything that was not present and tangible. But he died on Exegol, or at least, Ben wanted to believe so. He could not reconcile his inner self with the mask he wore for so long. The mask was a murderer, a tyrant, a fear monger—a face to be feared. He touched his cheek where his scar used to be; he wondered if death had washed away those sins just as it did his wounds.

He wondered what his father would think of him now. He imagined them sitting at a table, maybe over coffee, as they so often did late at night. His mother would chastise Han over giving the boy coffee, especially at night, but his father would just wave dismissively and give Ben a wink. He smiled at the memory, which seemed to sway in and out of reality. He was starting to lose focus.

He wondered if his father would be proud that he defeated the greatest evil the galaxy had known, then he frowned. He had not defeated the emperor; in fact, he barely even got a chance to deny his loyalty to him. It's not like he was jealous of Rey, but knowing his father, he knew he would have been disappointed. Or was it his mother who would have expected more of him. He shook his head—why was it so difficult to concentrate?

He tried to remember the last time he sat and just thought. Palpatine, under the guise of Snoke, had been in his head for so long, whispering to him at all hours of the day and night. Feeding him lies, feeding his cruelty. It was the first thing Ben noticed when he awoke on Exegol: how eerily silent it was to live. With Palpatine no longer there to fill every waking moment with hatred, Ben was suddenly free to think. It was not an easy act. It meant he had to deliberate his words and respond to his own internal dialogue. It was scary and unavoidable. It's the reason he was convinced Kylo Ren was no more: surely, he would have never asked Why did you kill him? or How can I make it up to her?

Her.

Us.

Such little words, yet they meant more now than ever. With Palpatine's voice out of his head, she was all that was on his mind.

How am I going to make it up to her? he thought. He slowly twiddled his thumbs, his hands clasped across his stomach. He looked at his feet, perched on the console with his legs stretched out. The answer did not come as he expected, instead it didn't come at all. His eyes were growing heavy as the weight of the day sat upon his shoulders. The stars passed by endlessly, hypnotizing him with their ancient fire. The engines lulled his restless brain into a state of calm. His breathing slowed, and with it, the universe.

Rey's eyes opened quickly, her heart already racing. Something was wrong. The room was at an angle, and some things were falling from shelves and rolling to the left wall. The floor began to shake. Rey scrambled from her bed, frantically trying to reach the door as she struggled to maintain her balance on the uneven floor. A deafening clang, followed by an ominous loom. The intense downward pull of gravity. The ship was falling.

Rey pulled herself through the door hatch, slowly making her way towards the cockpit as the ship roared into the void. Lights flickered erratically as the hallway grew darker and darker. The faint smell of gas hit her nose. A metal panel fell from the ceiling, scraping her arm. The exposed wiring hissed, and sparks showered her from above. She jumped and cried out, her pace quickening as the hallway came to an end.

The cockpit was a mess of flashing lights and alarms. Ben was seated at the controls, rapidly pushing buttons, and fighting to pull the yoke up. In front of them, the thick atmosphere of a planet filled the view of the cabin.

"We're stuck in the planet's gravitational field!" Ben called out as Rey rushed to meet him at the controls, "I can't get the engines to refuel!"

Rey scanned the control panel, looking for a quick solution, but it was as if everything in the ship's systems failed at once. The Falcon slowly began to spiral as it raced towards the planet. Rey dared not look out the windows as she feared becoming sick. A monitor flashed a few conspicuous symbols, with the read out:

DSPTR: CRITICAL

ENG1 OFFLINE: COUPLER MISALIGN

ENG2 OFFLINE: INSUFFICIENT DATA

HYPDRV: INSUFFICIENT DATA

SHIELDS: STANDBY

SLAM: OFFLINE

"The coupler!" Rey shouted.

"I know! Help me with this!" Ben yelled back.

He pulled on a lever with both hands, attempting to provide manual thrust to engine one.

"I can fix the coupler; I've done it before!" Rey replied, turning on a heel.

The ship shook violently, throwing them both to the floor before Rey could take a single step. Pressed against the panel of the wall, Ben staggered to his feet as he helped Rey up. She looked at her throbbing arm, where blood had smeared from her earlier wound. They both ducked as a few panels broke away from the ceiling. The ship was now in a violent descent, with the planet's dark surface quickly approaching. Ben and Rey struggled to keep their footing, grabbing onto anything they could to balance. Rey began again towards the hallway, before Ben grabbed her arm.

"There's no time! We need to activate the crash shields before—!"

Ben was cut off as the ship shook again. Rey's grasp on the chair she held slipped, and she hit the floor, sliding down the incline. Suddenly everything slowed down.

The room looked as if she was peering through a kaleidoscope. Her ears rang, and the once piercing alarms now sounded like echoed whispers. Her body refused to move under the weight of her shock, like the weight of the universe had fallen upon her. She could barely turn her head to look at the console. Her vision was blurry and distorted, but she could see Ben typing commands into a monitor and pulling levers, frantically trying to activate the shield generators. Sparks rained down on him. Rey closed her eyes, attempting to steady her brain that shook with the floor panels. A throbbing pain set upon the back of her skull. She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Her world was spiraling, and all she could do was watch.

A violent thud.

The whir of the shield generators being engaged.

The hissing of the ship's hull.

A bright light as they hit the atmosphere.

The Falcon shudders.

An endless shower of sparks.

A dark figure. It was Ben, moving towards her.

He laid beside her, cradling her, protecting her head with his arms.

She sunk into him.

She closed her eyes.

One thought,

This is it.