Chapter 6
A stiff wind tore through the valley, filling the cabin of the ship, and leaving a wake of crackling trees. Even the mountains to the west seemed to rumble in response to the gale. In such proximity and between such sweet words, for Ben and Rey, the cold was little more than a fleeting distraction. Rey's hair blew around her face, covering her rosy cheeks as she tried to find the words to describe her heart's wishes. She clutched Ben's hand, as if to prepare him for what she was about to say.
"Since I met you, Ben, I've wanted to hate you," she said.
Despite her soft tone, the words came out as cold as the air around them. Ben lowered his gaze but maintained his stoicism. On the inside, the statement hit like a punch to the chest, and yet, he understood. Rey continued, with her expression becoming more hardened.
"The more I heard about your crimes and your rise to power, the more I grew to despise you. I couldn't believe the son of Han and Leia could possibly do the things you were doing. In hindsight, when we met in the forest on Takodana, I felt such evil from you, I thought that was going to be the end of me," she said, closing her eyes.
Ben had leaned back into his seat but allowed her to keep a grip on his hand. He wanted to pull away, but he tightened his jaw and forced himself to wallow in his own disgrace. All the while, Rey rubbed his hand with her thumb, in small, soothing circles.
"When I saw your face, and when I looked into your mind, everything changed. And since then, well, I'm still trying to figure it out. I saw…I don't know what I saw. It was like looking into an alternate reality. I think I saw what you could be or could have been. It was such a beautiful vision, and yet I can't describe a single quality of it. All I have left is the feeling, and I've held onto it ever since," she said.
"How do you know what you saw was meant to be? Why would you chase a mere vision?" Ben asked.
"Because I realized it was the same vision your family was chasing. I know I'll never be able to say I knew Luke, Han, or Leia the way you did, but I do know this about them: they loved you more than life. Without that vision, I never would have understood why. I now realize what I saw was how they saw you. And as sad as I am that they're all gone, I can understand why they all gave their lives for you. You were the cause they were willing to die for."
"So, now you feel obligated to fulfill their wishes by fixing me, is that it?" Ben said.
His voice took on a different tone, one Rey had heard before. She swiveled her chair to face him, and he did the same.
"No, it's not like that at all. I'm not doing this for them," she said.
Ben's gaze grew intense until he looked away. His jaw clenched. Rey had opened her mouth to speak, then closed it.
"Rey," Ben paused, "my family didn't sacrifice themselves for me. I killed them. Please, don't try to justify that. I might have lost my title, but I'm still Kylo Ren. That part of me will always exist, and so will the things I've done."
Rey was silent as she looked into his eyes. She could see the darkness was just below the surface, as it had always been. She could not imagine him without it.
"But that's why you're here, isn't it? For atonement," she said.
"Perhaps, but it doesn't mean you should forgive me so easily," he said.
Rey gave him a puzzled look and squeezed his hand.
"I never said I forgave you; I don't know that I ever will. No, I have my own reasons for why you're here. You might even call them selfish," she said.
Ben leaned forward.
"I have feelings for you that I can't explain—that maybe I'll never explain. Everything you've done goes against everything I am as a person. It shouldn't make sense that I want you in my life, but I do. You understand me better than anyone ever has. When you're around I don't feel alone or lost in the world, which is how I've felt my whole life. I'm invested in you because I don't want to feel alone anymore. I don't want to keep explaining myself to people who don't understand. I don't want to keep searching for a family that's gone," she said.
Her eyes took on a glassy finish. She took a breath.
"All I've ever wanted is to feel like I belong. When I saw into your mind on Ilum, when we connected on Ahch-To, when you showed me the future we could have—it was like I was finally home," she paused, her eyes watering, "You're not here so I can change you. I'm not helping you because of your family. I don't even care if you return to the light at this point. Just come home, so I can come home."
A few tears streaked her face, which she quickly brushed away with her sleeve, embarrassed at her own sentimentality. Without hesitation, Ben pulled her forward from her chair and into his lap. He embraced her, as she buried her face into his neck. She breathed in his scent and let his calmness flow through her rattled nerves. The air fell still. An energy crept through the floor, from the dirt of the planet itself. It surrounded them and held them just as they held each other. Ben closed his eyes, feeling the pull to the Light.
Like whispers on the wind, the voices of his parents called to him. Their arms reached out to him, like the faint rays of sunlight on the horizon. Their eyes watched him like the stars above. Their hands steadied him like the ground below. Instead of fighting, like he had done for so long, he listened to what the universe was telling him. He held Rey closer, his heart filled with resolution.
"You don't have to cry, Rey. I'm home—we can chase your vision together."
The next day appeared no different from the night before, as the concept of morning had been erased ever since the two found themselves on Vicondor. The sun hung low in the eastern sky, its rays muted and impotent. The darkness still washed over the land like an undying fog. Time became a simple matter of waking up, working, eating, and falling asleep.
And yet, this morning was different from previous ones. Light-hearted chatter filled the crippled ship, as Rey and Ben met each other in the main hold. They casually talked over a simple breakfast; the heaviness of the previous nights' conversation was not lost, but had seeped into the hull of the ship, just out of sight and mind. They talked about the work that needed to be done, and the progress they were making. Ben told Rey about the upgrades he wanted to make to the ship using First Order parts. He beamed like a child as he detailed the superiority of the Sienar-Jaemus Fleet Systems products and deflated as he lamented the loss of his TIE Silencer. Rey smiled as she watched him, soaking in his passion. She never would have guessed the former Sith apprentice was such a nerd.
"I'd do anything to have that ship back," Ben said, resting his elbows on the table.
Rey rubbed her arm and gave a sheepish grin.
"I guess I shouldn't have cut through it on Pasaana," she said. Ben's eyes widened.
"No, that was just a modified Interceptor. The Silencer was a prototype, so my guess would be that it's in storage somewhere. That is, if they haven't scrapped it already just to spite me," Ben said.
"Oh, well in that case maybe we'll have to go steal it," she said.
Ben laughed and nodded; he hoped she was serious.
"We should. I'd love to show you how to fly it."
After breakfast, they threw on some more layers, and left their refuge to explore the new world. With the ship sitting in a valley, it was difficult to discern the true form of the landscape or seek any signs of civilization. Ben looked to the east where, behind a curtain of fog, the sun met them with a cool glow. He pointed towards the dim star.
"If you want warmer weather, we need to head that way. I think we'd be more likely to find camps or towns too," Ben said.
Rey looked in the direction he pointed, then turned to look behind them. A towering wall of snow-capped mountains loomed in the distance, nearly hidden in the darkness. She tilted her head, then looked back at Ben.
"Do you see that cliffside? Maybe less than a klick out there, between that thin three and the rock face," Rey said as she pointed.
Ben turned and tried to spot what she had seen. After a moment, he nodded.
"If we climb up there, we might have a better vantage point," Rey said.
"That doesn't look much taller than the top of the Falcon. We might as well just climb on top of that instead."
"No, that hill is way taller!"
"I don't know."
"Come on, if I'm wrong you can say I told you so," Rey said as she began walking.
"And we'll have wasted two hours," Ben muttered to himself.
With their backs to the sun, they entered the forest. It did not take long before the trees surrounded them—dark pillars that penetrated the sky. The pine branches shielded them from the stars, turning the forest into a series of endless, dark hallways. Rey and Ben walked side by side, keeping each other in their peripheral, lest they become lost within a few stray steps. The ground beneath them remained barren, as crumbled soil mixed with sharp rocks. Occasionally they would pass through brush, or find lichen near a tree's base, yet most of the ground was a blanket of dead pine needles. The windstorms of last night had passed, leaving the forest a palace of silence. Rey looked up at the tree canopy.
"It's so quiet," she said.
Ben looked up too. They both stopped and listened. No chirping of birds, nor the buzzing of insects. Even the sounds of wholly alien life forms seemed to be absent. They continued walking, with Rey looking over her shoulder every so often. After thirty minutes of quietly navigating the forest, she suddenly turned.
"Did you hear that?" She asked.
Ben stopped to listen before shaking his head.
"Hear what?" He asked.
"Like something rustling in the brushwood."
"It was probably a tree-burrower or something," Ben said as he started walking.
Rey hurried to keep up with him.
"A what?" She asked.
"Small, furry things that live in forests," he replied, pushing aside a low branch.
"No, it sounded…bigger," Rey said as she climbed over a fallen log.
"Bigger like what?"
"I don't know. Who knows what lives out here? It's certainly…creepier here than any of the other planets I've been to."
"Do you need to hold my hand? Would that make you feel better, sweetheart?"
"No, I do not, thank you very much. I'm just being cautious, especially since I didn't bring my lightsaber."
Ben stopped and turned to look at Rey. He narrowed his eyes and gestured with one hand.
"You don't have your lightsaber with you?" He asked.
"No."
"Why would you leave that behind?"
"I just thought, you know, I wouldn't need it."
"Rey, I don't have a lightsaber anymore. If something does find us in these woods, what do you expect us to do?"
Rey shrugged and gave an innocent look.
"You're pretty handy with the Force in combat, and I'm, well, I'm getting there," she said.
Ben sighed.
"You can't rely on the Force for everything; that's not…how the Force works," Ben said.
He scolded himself as the words left his mouth, I'm starting to sound like my old man.
"So, if we get into trouble, we're out of luck then? Is that it?" Rey asked as they continued forward.
Ben waved a dismissive hand, but his tone was one of frustration.
"No, no, I'll keep us safe. Just don't leave your lightsaber again. For a Jedi, that weapon is your closest ally—it should never leave your side," he said.
They walked a few steps. The ground began to slope upwards as they reached the hillside.
"For being so against the Jedi, you harp on their rules a lot," she said.
"Old habits die hard, I guess. Besides, keeping your weapon on you is just common sense."
"I hope I'm not striking a nerve, but I heard you were somewhat of a Jedi prodigy as a child. Can I ask about that time?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Right now, I just want to get to the top of this hill."
"You can't climb and talk at the same time?"
"No."
"Will we ever get to talk about it?"
"If you stop asking."
"You're just hoping I'll forget."
"I think I know by now not to doubt your persistence."
"Right, so let's talk about it."
"I'll make you a deal: if we make it off this planet, then you can ask me about it. Fair? Fair."
Rey huffed and focused on climbing. After all they had talked about, and how much of their hearts they had spilled to each other, she felt it was unnecessary that Ben would have to be so unforthcoming about his life before he became Kylo Ren. It was disheartening to make so much progress, then appear to have his trust revoked. She thought back to before they met. She thought of how reserved Han was when she first met him. There was an unambiguous similarity between their sly, stubborn personalities. Rey could not help but to smile.
Nearly at the top of the hill, Rey paused, huffing, and fatigued. She placed her hand against a tree trunk, leaning against it for support. Her fingers twitched as she felt the bark. She frowned and squinted in the darkness to inspect the tree. Large, smooth gashes had been cut into the trunk; they formed deep valleys that reached above her head. A thick, sour-smelling sap oozed from the deepest trenches. In such poor lighting, she could not make out the bigger picture. The design felt intricate yet too organic to discern from a natural formation in the bark.
"Are you alright?" Ben's voice came from above her, having already reached the top of the hill.
"Yes, just catching my breath," Rey said.
She turned from the strange carvings and told herself to get a grip on her imagination.
From the edge of the cliff, the valley angle and the mountains surrounding them became apparent. A thick layer of fog obscured the vastness of the forest, but it was apparent that the sea of trees went beyond the horizon. Besides the mountainous peaks, no structures stood out from the greenery. No sign of civilization. Rey crossed her arms, holding on to her robes as a steady breeze swept over the exposed cliffside. Beside her, Ben stared out into the darkness, the wind pulling at his hair. They sighed in unison.
"I thought you said this place was inhabited," Rey said as she kicked a few loose stones over the edge of the cliff.
"It is, but clearly only on the light side of the planet. We must be too far behind the dividing line," Ben said.
Both went quiet for a moment, as all they needed to know was in front of them. The wilderness called to them, but beyond that, there was not a soul to be found. They shifted uncomfortably as they racked their brains. Rey began to pace. The reality of being stranded on a desolate planet began to sink in, festering in their minds like a bad dream.
"I'll keep working on the communication system. Let's just hope the Resistance gets to us before anyone else does," Rey said.
Ben gave her a curious look.
"You say that like we're being hunted," he said.
"Well, the planet is under First Order control, right? Who's to say they didn't see the crash or received word of it?"
Ben thought for a moment.
"I doubt there's patrols here anymore, let alone scouts. They've got bigger problems to deal with than a lone ship crashing on an empty planet," he said.
"You say that but—," Rey cut off as she turned the corner of a towering rock formation.
"Ben," she said, her voice trailing and unsteady. Ben rounded the corner and stood beside her. Rey took a step back.
Before them lay a grizzly scene. The fresh carcass of a massive beast had been crudely shoved between two heaving rocks. Its furred limbs were contorted in odd positions, having clearly been torn apart by multiple sets of teeth and claws. The beads of blood that lay on the exposed tissue had turned a deep blue but looked wet to the touch. Splatters of the thick substance had stained the surrounding rocks. In the darkness, the scene was difficult to discern from the shadows. A rich smell filled their noses, one neither had sensed before. A pungent, oily odor, like that of rotting fish. The beast's eyes, still intact, were rolled up into its skull. Rey put a hand over her mouth and nose.
"How did we not notice that on our way up?" She asked, stepping back.
Ben shook his head.
"I don't know, but whatever did this hasn't been gone long," he said.
He squatted down near one leg of the carcass, eyeing the strange puncture wounds.
"Well, I'm not sticking around to find out who or what did that," she said, going behind the rock formation and starting down the hillside.
"Me neither," Ben paused, catching up to Rey. "Now do you wish you brought your lightsaber?"
"Yes, I'll never make that mistake again."
They traveled down the slope at a hurried pace, with Rey occasionally looking over her shoulder. Among the trees, the darkness returned. What started as a place of wonder and mystery, now felt quite malicious. Each shadow jumped out at Rey, threatening to sink its teeth into her. She tried not to imagine what violent forms could be within the trees. Memories of her earliest nights alone on Jakku came to haunt her: glowing eyes beyond the sand dunes; tales from the village children of six-legged creatures that lived in caves and only came out at night; howls and screeches that woke her from the deepest sleep. She found herself gravitating towards Ben until she bumped into his side. Instinctually, he put a hand on her back, then retracted it.
"Are you alright? You look scared," he said.
"Just a little shaken up, is all. I'm used to the desert where you can see into the distance, but with all these trees I feel…," she said, struggling to find the right word.
"Surrounded?"
"Yes, that's it."
Ben kept her expression in view as they walked, uncomfortable with her fear. He felt it radiating from her like the smell from the carcass. Ever since he had felt it from her on Takodana, he decided he did not like it. As they walked, he reached to the ground and grabbed a jagged stone. It was cold and brittle beneath his fingertips.
"Here," he tossed the stone in front of Rey, "catch."
Rey caught the stone in her hands and inspected it. She looked at him in confusion.
"No! With the Force," Ben said.
He pulled the rock from her hands with a small gesture of his fingers. The stone freed itself from her grasp and flew into his palm. He tossed it again, and this time Rey caught it, stopping it in mid-air as they walked.
"Good, now push it towards me," Ben said. He distanced himself from her and gestured for her to send the rock his way.
Rey focused and moved the rock in front of her, but as she tried to push, her telekinetic grip began to falter. She frowned and concentrated harder. After a moment, the rock fell to the ground. They both stopped as she picked it up. She shook her head.
"I don't know why I can't do it. It just doesn't want to move," she said.
They continued walking.
"That's because you're not actually pushing. You're trying to pull it to me," Ben said. Rey tilted her head and shot him a look of disbelief.
"That makes no sense," she said.
"Watch," Ben said.
He grabbed another rock from the ground and threw it in the air, stopping it above him. With a gesture, the rock began to move towards Rey, then began orbiting around her.
"That's pushing," he said.
With another gesture, equally subtle, the rock broke free of its orbit and came back to Ben, landing in his palm.
"That's pulling it towards you."
Rey shook her head.
"I don't get it. What's the difference?" Rey asked.
"Your mind's not in the right place. This might sound like it has nothing to do with it, but it's your fear," he said.
"My fear?"
"There's actually more to it than that, but let's stick with one thing at a time. Right now, since you're afraid of what's in the forest, you're searching for comfort, so the Force is actually pulling the energy of the rock, and everything else, towards you."
"But you just said I was pulling it to you."
"Well, that's where it gets complicated, but for now just forget what I said. All that matters is your pulling—not pushing."
"Okay, so how do I push? Let go of my fear?"
"Not at all. You need to give in to it."
"What? That doesn't make sense either. Why would giving in to fear help me push something?"
"Just trust me. Close your eyes—"
"Ben, you know how the Jedi feel about giving in to fea—"
"Rey, trust me," Ben said. He threw the second rock her way, which she caught in her hand. Along with the first one, she allowed both to circle her. She sighed and closed her eyes.
"What if I trip over something?" She asked.
Ben rolled his eyes. Luke really taught you nothing, he thought.
"Don't worry about that. Think about your fear. Think about the forest, and what might be out there," he said.
Rey focused and thought about the carcass, and the shadows, and the trees. She thought about being blind and imagined something pouncing on her from the branches. She thought about the fog that obscured the sun and kept them in a perpetual midnight. She thought about how alone they were. She wondered if they would be stuck on this planet forever. Ben's voice crept in.
"Imagine your fear as a bubble. Hold it in front of you—visualize its texture and color," he said.
As Rey did as he instructed, the rocks aligned in front of her as she walked, bouncing with the rhythm of her steps.
"Now, make the bubble bigger than you. Make it surround you. Then both of us. Then the forest. Then imagine it surrounds this whole valley," Ben said, watching her face.
Rey furrowed her brow as she concentrated. A heavy energy crept up from the ground. It filled her lungs as she breathed, and it occupied her space. It whispered in her ear and made her skin crawl. Just as she imagined her fear surrounding the valley, the rocks shot out in front of her like bullets. They hit a tree in the distance with a thunk, thunk. Her eyes shot open.
"Whoa," she said.
She looked to Ben, who smirked and gave an approving nod.
"And that's how you push things," he said.
Rey looked at her hands then back to Ben.
"How was I able to do that without gesturing at all?" She asked.
"Your hand is like a lightsaber—it channels the energy, but it doesn't mean it's necessary to gesture. Only if you want more control over your projectile, which of course you should want more control," Ben explained.
Rey shook her head.
"That felt…wrong. What was that?" She asked.
"That, sweetheart, is the power of the dark side—well, a tiny fraction of it," Ben said.
Rey's eyes widened and she hit Ben in the arm, but with little intention.
"Ben! Why would you make me do that? You know I am trying to follow the path of the Jedi, and now you're teaching me tricks with dark side magic? What's wrong with you?"
"Relax, will you? You didn't die. You're not suddenly lusting for control over the galaxy. Your eyes aren't glowing orange…well, wait, let me see," Ben said.
He leaned towards her as he pretended to inspect her eyes. Rey shoved him, causing him to chuckle.
"This isn't funny. The dark side corrupts, Ben. It doesn't happen overnight. All it takes is letting the darkness in before…," she said, her thought trailing.
"Before what?" Ben asked.
"Before—well, you should know what happens, I don't need to explain it to you."
Ben gestured dismissively.
"See, you don't even know what the dark side is. All you've heard is the propaganda the Jedi preach about. Here's a fact, Rey: the darkness is everywhere," he gestured to the forest around them, "every day you are alive and feeling things, you are engaging with the dark side. It's not some evil, chaotic force, it's just human emotions."
Rey shook her head, her eyes looking anywhere but at Ben.
"You're wrong. You saw what happened to Vader and Sidious after they fell to the dark side. I want no part in it," she said.
"Sidious was an extreme example, and my grandfather, well, I thought I knew his story, but," he paused, "even I admit I don't know the whole truth. But I do know the Jedi had a hand in turning him into Darth Vader. There's evil on both sides, Rey. The Force is just a tool."
Rey remained silent; her fists balled up within her robes. The temperature dropped, and the freezing winds of the day's prior had returned. She tightened the cloth wrapped around her head. She wished she could stop feeling Ben's presence in the Force, and yet it lingered beside her. It annoyed her more than the bitter cold against her face. They walked for a few minutes in silence, the tension as thick as the fog they waded through. Just as the conversation was beginning to lose its shape, Rey spoke in a stern tone.
"I've gone to great lengths for you. You told me you had accepted the path to redeeming yourself in the Force. So far, I've trusted your word on faith alone. Don't make me regret my decision," she said.
Ben was quiet and pensive. He tried to glance at her expression, but hidden behind her scarf, he was left only with her cold words. Part of him wanted to tell her she was wrong about him—that he had no ill intentions. That he was only trying to help her. The situation reminded him so much of his parent's many disputes. He tried to remember how his father would have handled such statements. No, he thought, don't make matters worse. He sighed.
"Alright. I'm sorry."