I would like to say a huge, huge thank the brilliant Miss Ada for drawing me the beautiful cover image for this fic. It is beautiful and she is such a wonderful and talented person. She has been my friend and beta, giving me moral support when i need it the most and putting up with my harebrained nonsense. Ada does the most wonderful, beautiful and bizarre Beetlejuice comic i have ever come across called "Cobweb and Stripes" which can be found on deviant art. I highly recommend you check it out as it really is not only an engaging and different story but the whole thing has such stunning artwork, every page is a treasure.
I have re-vamped this chapter in 2023 so please give it a read and tell me what you think. As always I love receiving feedback so please tell me what you think via review or PM and i hope you enjoy it.
Beetlejuice closed the bathroom door a sense of dread washing over his ghostly form. He took in what he considered to be a veritable crime scene of a bathroom. It was neat and tidy but the thing that irked him most of all was the fact that it was clean. He hadn't been in any sort of bathroom that could be considered "clean" in literally over a century. He was used to dirty outhouses and tiles covered in a veritable smorgasbord of mould. This one, however, was squeaky clean, the tiles were fresh and white as was the grouting in between and neither a Silverfish nor a spider could be seen.
"Maybe I could just pretend to have a wash and just smarten myself up a little bit" he muttered to himself as his gaze drifted over to the bubble-filled tub. He was hoping against hope that he wouldn't need to actually submerge himself into the water. Just a sprits, pits and dick wash would probably suffice and Lydia would be none the wiser. That train of thought was quickly interrupted as he heard a muffled explosion of noise coming from one of the bathroom walls.
"Don't you fucking dare!" coming voice came slightly muted but nonetheless aggressive as she shouted through the wall. Her bedroom shared a wall with the bathroom. It wasn't so bad, usually, you couldn't hear a thing from the room so it didn't disturb her much. At one point in time, though she regularly got woken up by Delia's, drunken 4 am baths. For some reason while under the influence, the woman would decide to strain her vocal cords to a cacophony of mumbled caterwauling and misheard lyrics. It was one of the many reasons Lydia was now glad she lived alone.
"But Babes" he whined almost pathetically.
"Do you know how long it took me to get to this level of filth, how many ditches I had to sleep in and how many sewers I had to hang out in, just to get the right level of funk going on? I finally have the balance right, the perfect amount of mould and crustiness and you want me to wash it away? just like that!?" He asked hoping that would soften her resolve a little and she would relent. Saving him from his soap-induced nightmare. He heard her move in the other room and he half hoped she would come to the door. His mind began to race as he thought that perhaps she was coming to join him, which would certainly take the sting out of it. Seeing Lydia's pale skin all warm, wet and soapy. He grinned to himself as more thoughts of the debauchery they could have in the bathroom.
"Oh for the love of goddess!" Lydia said with a sigh "It's dirt, fortify yourself a little bit man. It's just water and soap". She paused for a moment before she practically roared.
"You're having a bath whether you like it or not and you brushing your god damned teeth too," Lydia yelled. Her voice was all the clearer now as she seemed to be leaning on the wall separating the two.
"I'm not catching the plague just because you're afraid of a few bubbles," Lydia said knowing her little jibe would work like magic.
"I'm the ghost with the fucking most babes, I'm not afraid of anything, not you, not sandworms and certainly not fucking bubbles" he practically growled.
"Then prove it," Lydia said with a sly smile as she heard muttered obscenities bounce and echo around the tiled room.
Beetlejuice let out a sigh of defeat and quickly rid himself of his trademark jacket, hanging safely on the hook on the back of the door. At least, that would be safe. His slug and loogie collection in his inner breast pocket was safe, for now. He didn't know what he would do if Lydia ever got it into her brain that his clothes needed a good wash too. He shuddered at the thought before his mind began to slip back to the usual smut.
"That girl will owe me the blowjob of the century if she tries to pull that kind of stunt," he thought to himself with a slight chuckle.
"That might almost make losing my snake collection worth it. As long as I can give her one of my very own. No doubt a rare one-eyed snake will make her scream like nothing else on this planet" he thought to himself lingering on the mental image of giving her said phallic device and all the pleasure it would give to both parties. His pants began to feel a little too snug for his liking so he quickly removed them, kicking them to the side of the bath along with his shoes. A little hiss came out of his pocket as a small grass snake poked its head out of the zipper before returning to its home in the pocket.
He stood there in the bathroom for a few moments, wearing just his tie, his off-white undershirt and his boxer shorts. He could actually feel the heat radiating from the bathtub and he had to admit it did feel rather nice. He hated the feminine, flowery smell, but he figured it would dissipate almost as soon as his body hit the water, due to the raw power of his own unique blend of stench. He quickly removed his tie and shirt, leaving just the boxers on as he flexed his feet against the cold tiled floor. He peeled of his undershirt and quickly escaped his socks, throwing them at his shoes so he would be able to retrieve them once he was done.
"Fuck it, it can't be that bad" he murmured freeing himself of his boxer shorts with an energetic twang of the elastic. He took a deep breath and gingerly stepped into the tub. At first, his mind was full of water, he remembered bubbles of desperation rising to the surface as he sank deeper into the water. The light began to fade as the water consumed him before he was swallowed whole by the deep. He shook his head, ridding himself of that spark of thought, shoving it back from whence it came. Hoping that the distressing thought would never return, or at the very least wouldn't return until his punishment was finished with.
The water splashed against his legs teasingly and for a moment it fell all too much for him. The heat, the smell of the bubbles and his apprehension just to be in the water again after so many centuries. The feeling of apprehension and the need to nope the fuck out of there was almost overpowering. He half expected the bottom of the bathtub to give way only to be swallowed whole by the water. Yet as gingerly sunk into the mass of soapy goodness, as the warm, forgiving water came up to lick his chest, he came to a realisation.
"So that's why humans like this so much," he said, shifting in the water and rearranging the surface of delightfully foaming bubbles which fizzed around him. He would never admit it but the whole bath thing wasn't as heinous as he had originally thought. As the water lapped gently against his skin it spread a beautiful warmth through his whole body. He was still a ghost so he doubted he would ever be near to body temperature again but sitting in the steamy tub he felt almost as if he was slowly beginning to reach room temperature. He sat there for a while just enjoying the calming effect the water had on him, the only time he figured he would be this warm again would be when his plan finally paid out. He closed his eyes as he imagined his moment of victory when Lydia was finally his. He imagined her face flush with heat and her molten chocolate eyes full of a look of pure need. He imagined clicking his finger, making her clothes disappear as he pressed himself against her. He imagined kissing every inch of her skin, whipping her into a frenzy before he finally burned himself against her lips. He knew his ghostly form would steal the excessive warmth from her skin making him hot and flush from her intimate heat.
He imagined punching a hole in the damned dresser mirror. That way she would never be able to summon him away again to the place that had kept him, prisoner. He was here to stay and he couldn't keep the sadistic grin from his lips as he imagined roughly bending Lydia over her dresser. she would be his, body and soul and there was nothing she could do about it, she was undone by him and him alone. Not some pompous meat bag but the ghost with the fucking most. He imagined Lydia bending beneath his every touch, from feather-light to rough and demanding.
Beetlejuice let out an audible groan. His mind was well and truly stuck in the gutter and now it was there he knew there was only one way of getting rid of it. He looked around guiltily for something, anything to help aid or distract him. The itch he felt now was stronger than anything he had ever felt before. There was no missing his rather obvious problem even though the soapy water. Things had been so much easier when he had hated her guts. He couldn't help but lament on that thought. It had all been so clear in his head back then. All he wanted to do was kill her, string her up by her guts or do something equally as gruesome to make her a very ugly corpse. Then when she finally got used to the whole being dead, thing. Just when she started to hold out hope of seeing her friends again. He would exorcise her to the lost soul's room, where she would rot for all eternity, miserable, deformed and alone.
But things were different now. He didn't hate Lydia, in fact, he found her to be incredibly alluring, which is what led to his current situation. His fingers had already strayed to his nether regions on a sort of autopilot as thoughts of Lydia's personal brand of sweetness imprinted themselves across his mind. The softness of her delightfully warm skin, being held against him, warming him to his core. Her full and beautiful lips, bruised with kisses as she moaned his name. He fixated on that moment, the sex didn't really matter anymore. But, the way she said his name, as every syllable rolled off her tongue and caressed her lips as she moaned in a seductive half-whisper. It made him shudder to completion, surrounded by bubbles and the now thoroughly tainted water.
He reclined in the bath letting out a sigh that was a mixture of relaxation and yet at the same time frustration. It had all just been a fantasy. Though he didn't feel quite as repulsive as he did in the aftermath of his many self-love sessions in the netherworld. Mainly because they had to border on self-abuse just to get rid of that damned itch. Yet he couldn't help but feel a strong and somewhat depressing longing for lady Lydia. He wasn't sure why, but he felt drawn to her. Even before he had initiated the blood tie he had felt as if there was something special about her. Something that made her different from the other meat bags he has driven insane during his many years of being a Bio-exorcist. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but it was what had made him decide that she would be the one to fully free him.
It had been the deciding reason why he had tried to force Lydia to marry him. Even though she had been little more than a child at the time. His head swam with images of her and every mapped inch of her imaginary body. With a sigh, he pulled the plug on the bath, ridding the tub of the telltale signs of his little indiscretion before he quickly re-plugged it and turned the hot tap on full. Once the bath was back to its normal level of steaminess Beetlejuice began to look around at the many bottle and jars that lined the bath. There were so many bottles of different shapes and sizes with different words blazed across their labels.
"Ah now that's something I recognise" he muttered to himself reaching towards a bottle of shampoo which had the word volume written on it. He held the bottle out at arm's length as he carefully opened it and nothing. Nothing happened, he shook the bottle and then tried to peer through the plastic at the bright orange liquid.
"Well that's definitely misrepresentation" he muttered to himself as he had been expecting a particular brand of netherworld shampoo. Not every ghost and ghoul liked to keep up Beetlejuice's' level of filth and he had seen a popular product advertised on the tv named 'Otherworldly volume'. The commercial showed a man opening the bottle which let out a cacophony of tiny screams which only got louder as he got some of the shampoo and lathered it through his hair. It was supposed to give your hair some sort of strange Vavavoom. Though what that was exactly was lost on him. But, as this bottle wasn't what he thought he quickly discarded it and decided to try something else.
"Er, you. Let's give you a try" he said to himself as he moved a bottle around to see the label which read 'Nair, woman's hair remover'. He ran a hand through his hair as a pang of apprehension sunk in his stomach. "No, I need all the hair I can get". He couldn't help but wonder where exactly Lydia used this Nair stuff. Though he couldn't let his brain go too far down that kind of rabbit hole, not again. So, he tried a few more bottles focusing on the ingredients but that just made him even more confused. Was the purpose of all these different potions? How and why did one woman need so many?
"Er Babe's, little help in here" Beej practically wailed "This is some serious alchemy shit, do you have to sacrifice your soul to the god of hair care or something? Because that ship sailed a long time ago," he said with a slight chuckle. He heard Lydia moving along the hall only to stop at the door to the bathroom.
"It's quite simple, Beej. Just use the stuff I have set out for you" Lydia said, her voice coming quite clear even through the door.
"And where would that be?" He enquired a hint of venom in his voice. He heard Lydia sigh deeply before she replied.
"Directly next to the taps, the green bottle next to the cold tap is body wash and the black bottle next to the hot tap is shampoo".
"I really have to go through this don't I?" Beej asked in hopes of a reprieve.
"Yep, oh and by the way, you mind want to stay away from the bottles marked as 'Women's' or 'For Women'. They are known for the testicle shrivelling properties" Lydia stated trying to quell the giggle in her throat.
Beej let out something of a strangled cry at this throwing the bottle of women's conditioner from his hand.
"Half the fucking stuff in this room says 'for women' I swear if I sustain any injury from having this bath then you will pay for it".
Lydia couldn't help but laugh at the sound, it was almost worth opening the door just to see the look on his face. Almost, but not quite and she quickly vetoed that idea.
"Well I already have to kiss you, so let's just take things one punishment at a time," she said before adding in an almost sing-song voice
"Enjoy your bubbles" as she made her way back to her bedroom.
Beej sat there in the bath practically fuming, how could she not tell him sooner? He could have ended up with irreparable damage to a very delicate area and she didn't give a damn. He let out a noise like an angry growl as he fixed his eyes on the two bottles Lydia had directed him to. He opened the shampoo and there was no scream, unfortunately. But unlike everything else in the bathroom, this particular bottle didn't have a flowery or fruity scent; instead, it smelt like mint. It had almost a menthol smell to it which was quite appealing and manly smelling compared to everything else in the bathroom. "Thanks, babes" he muttered to himself before he dunked his head under the water to wet his hair. At least, she hadn't emasculated him completely by making him smell like potpourri.
He emptied a decent amount of the green liquid into the palm of his hand and he brushed it through his hair. He lathered it up and made sure it reached every inch of his hair. He said a silent prayer for the dandruff flakes and other things that caked his hair as he doubted they would survive the wash. Just when he was starting to feel confident in his decision to wash his hair (as Lydia had never actually stated he had to wash his hair, just that he had to wash himself). He was gripped with a strange sensation that he couldn't quite comprehend. There was something wrong with the shampoo, he thought he must be having some sort of adverse reaction to it as his head suddenly felt all tingly and freezing cold as if it was stuck in a snowstorm. Was that even how allergies worked with ghosts? Could ghosts have reactions to human products? He wasn't sure but one thing he overlooked was the 'Cooling mint' label on the shampoo. He dunked his head under the water as he scrubbed wildly to rid himself of the mentholated suds. He eventually broke the surface of the water and breathed a sigh of relief as the cooling sensation had subsided to something of a small tingle.
"Your evil" he muttered to the bottle before throwing it across the bathroom.
He looked at the bottle of body wash with scepticism, would this try to assault him too? He reached out for the bottle, finding a neatly folded flannel underneath it. He couldn't help but think it would have been handy during his indiscretion but the moment had well and truly passed. He opened the bottle, giving the liquid a sniff, hoping that it wouldn't have the same terrifying menthol as the last. Luckily this one was scented with pine and rosemary which he rather liked considering it was a sort of soap. He slathered the liquid into the flannel and began to scrub his body with the foam. When he had finished the flannel in question was black and smelt as if something from the depths of Satan's bowels had died on it.
He attempted to drain the water but a thick brown sludge filled the bottom half of the tub. He tried in vain to release the clog by hand so he juiced the stain away, leaving the bathtub clean and shining. He took one of the towels from the back of the door, a fluffy blue one that sat next to his coat and wrapped it around him. He could already feel the reassuring warmth leaving his body and within moments he was back to his normal frigid body temperature. He rubbed one of the corners of the towel through his hair until it was mostly dry before he began to dress again. He didn't bother with his shirt or tie. Honestly, he couldn't be bothered with them and he had to admit they could all do with a wash. There was an obvious cleaner patch where his jacket covered it, the front, exposed half of the shirt was a shade of dark, phlegm-coloured green. But, he put on his boxers, his trousers and his jacket like always before he made his way to the sink.
There waiting for him was a green toothbrush, the paste already waiting on the bristles for him. He shuddered at the thought of yet another cleaning ritual but pictured Lydia's lips in his mind.
"Just get through this and she's yours" he reassured himself before sticking the brush in his mouth and starting to scrub. A lot happened in his mouth over the next few minutes, more than just a quick cleaning of the teeth. He began brushing his teeth, which was a thoroughly unnatural act as far as he was concerned. The foaming, the mint and the feeling of losing the bug husks from between his teeth. He stopped every once in a while, to spit out the mashed collection of wings, beetle bits and foam from his mouth; washing them all down the sink with a jet of water. He bought the now mashed and mangled brush out of his mouth, there were bite marks on the brush handle and the bristles were so splayed it looked as if they were trying to run away from the brush. He examined his teeth in the mirror.
"Not too bad if i do day do myself" he admired his now clean teeth which looked almost normal. Yes his gums were still a dark shade of 'look at me I'm a corpse' grey but he couldn't exactly help that. His teeth would never be white and instead, they were a smoker's yellow. He was just thankful that after all that cleaning they weren't brown or black under all that plaque and decaying bits and pieces. But, it could have been a hell of a lot worse, considering he couldn't remember the last time he had actually cleaned his teeth. He studied his teeth, with a sense of discomfort, they were too clean. There was no dirt or fuzz collecting in the corners and he was starting to regret his decision when he spotted something in the mirror. There was a swollen and raw looking abscess just above one of his fang-like eye teeth. Curiosity got the best of the ghost and he lightly poked the inflamed pocket of flesh. Big mistake! The sore ruptured, squirting pus and god knows what else into his mouth and unfortunately up the bathroom wall and the mirror. Beej shrugged his shoulders, as far as things went this was quite low on his gross-out meter. He had seen a lot of gore and guts in his illustrious career as a bio-exorcist and his conman days. So, this wasn't even a blip on his radar.
His gaze shifted up to his reflection and he couldn't help but be taken aback by what he saw. His skin was clean which made him look oddly human now he was lacking the moss around his mouth. He had actually forgotten what his original hair colour had been as under the layers of greening mould it was now a pale blonde colour. He looked a lot softer now, without his live-in dirt accessory. He wasn't really sure about it, and he felt the urge to get back to normal by rolling around in a ditch. But first, he had to show Lydia his new found cleanliness. He confidently popped the collar of his jacket, making it stand out a little more from his body.
"There is no reason why she wouldn't want to get with this" he muttered to himself before adding.
"I'm getting that kiss and hell, if i get more i might just keep up this whole clean thing". He snapped his fingers and the horror show from the sink and all adjacent furnishings were now clean and pus free. He opened the bathroom door hoping to find Lydia on the other side. When she wasn't he went looking for her hoping to find her in her bedroom, hopefully in a compromising position on her bed.
"I'm in the kitchen" Lydia's muffled words sounded from below. Beej chuckled to himself as he floated through the floor intent on scaring the woman he so desired.