I wake up on the pavement. The cold, extremely solid pavement. Not the best place I've randomly appeared. And to top everything off, I am still in an awful mood. My emotions are currently a toss up between devastation and pure unadulterated rage... both or which entirely directed towards the Doctor.
Everything comes back to me, nearly burning alive, the death of Cassandra, the argument with the Doctor. He left me. And I realise in this moment how much of an idiot I was to ever have trusted him in the first place, after all I've known the man barely a week. He's practically a stranger. He is clearly stuck with me in his life and has had time to accept this fact, hence his caring attitude the first few trips. But this recent adventure, this was different. There was something raw, a tangible hatred, directed at me. And I know I have to hold onto this feeling, remember it, protect myself.
I take a moment to glance around at my surroundings, Im on a street, god knows where, and it's night. And thats about all I can deduce. I know I should get up, I really should, its cold on the ground. But I simply don't have the energy or the will. A wave of grief hits me, deeper and harsher than when I first realised may never see my family again. Because now I truly am alone. This time the Doctor isn't here to pick me up and make things better, this is it. And the weight of this thought keeps me unable to lift myself from the cold street.
Instead my head lowers in acceptance of my fate, I curl into a ball, attempting to preserve some heat. I tighten my jacket so that my shaking hands are covered, and I try to sleep. Because at least when I am asleep my dreams can't hurt me, and reality is gone for a while.
I wake up with a start. And I am shocked with the degree of warmth and comfort I am surrounded with. For a moment I expect I am on the Tardis, and that pinstripes or bowtie will come waltzing in to cheer me up. But no, I quickly come to realise I am in a hospital.
The constant beeping of a heart monitor draws my attention, along with a drip attached to my left wrist. Suddenly a nurse comes bustling in and stands over my bed.
"Good morning love, take it easy, you've had some rough nights it seems" she begins.
"Wha- what happened?" I ask, confused.
"Well we had a passerby notify the paramedics that you were sleeping rough. It's far too cold at the moment, and they weren't able to wake you, so the paramedics brought you in for the night. You're recovering from hypothermia dearie" she explains in a soft voice.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't..." I stutter, unsure what to do, embarrassed really. I've never been good at accepting or admitting when I need help.
"Now none or that dear, bless you, we will have you back to rights in no time" she comforts.
"Back to rights?" Am I still sick or something?
"Well, you've been here a couple of nights now. Do you remember anything?" She continue gently.
"Umm, no, last thing I remember is falling asleep on the street... I think... no, wait a second, wasn't I in a room, with eyepatch lady? They were doing something to me, it hurt..." A memory flashes before my eyes, hazed and indistinct. It could be a dream, but something about it feels tangible, real, even if I can't remember it all.
"Eyepatch lady you say?" She enquires, her interest peaked, she scrawls something on her notepad.
"Yes, I mean, there was this woman, she had an eyepatch, and I kept telling her to stop...I think... I don't really... I can't... remember" I stutter to an end.
"You did mention a lady with an eyepatch during one of your episodes" She explains to me, eyes filled with concern.
I sit up straight in my bed.
"Episodes?" I question, what the Hell?
"Yes, you've had a few episodes since you've been in. I doubt you've been concious of them so don't worry yourself sweetheart. I expect it may be a result of processing trauma and that the lady you're dreaming of is a manifestation of your fears" she expands for me.
"Ok, what so, it's just dreams then?" I try to understand.
"Well not quite, you may not be aware of them, but you're actively responding to them and experiencing something akin to a panic attack as a result, hence why we call them episodes" she explains.
"How do I stop them then?" I ask.
"Aha, don't worry about that, that's what we are here for. Dr. Malcom has prescribed you some medicine that should help to keep you calm and deal with any emotional trauma easier, therefore preventing these nasty episodes. It's not ideal for a girl like you to be given medication as a first step, we'd normally try therapy first. But the situation over the past few days required it, and you've responded positively" she replies.
"Do I have to carry on taking them now?" Oh Lord, I don't really want to be prescribed medication, but then again these dreams of that women were frightening and I am sick of feeling like this.
"Dr. Malcom has recommended you take the tablets once a day, and you can have up to two a day if you feel the trigger of symptoms such as extreme depressive episodes, anxiety or a panic attack that could indicate the onset of an episode" she confirms to me.
Right, well, thats not so bad I guess. And I mean I could always come off them and try therapy once I have things under control.
"Ok, well that makes sense. If you think it's best" I consent.
"I think it's best for now as a short term solution, and with regular checkups we may be able to consider therapy as a longer term fix, is that alright?" She asks kindly, a smile on her face, clearly glad I am being amenable to all of this information.
"Yes, that sounds good" is my response.
"Right, well I'm assuming you've no home to go to as you've been sleeping rough, not to mention you're clear lack of nutrients. So we've worked with social housing to organise a flat for you. The council have found you a one bed flat on the Powell Estate, its within walking distance. So you'll be able to attend checkups easily" she continues, Powell estate, have I heard that before?
"Oh, really? Wow... I mean, thank you" This isn't anywhere as good as my old life, but God is it a start. And at this point I am just grateful for any step towards normality so I can put this whole nightmare of a week behind me.
I am discharged a day later, and come to realise that I am in London. A social worker takes me to my new flat on this rough and rather run down Powell Estate. But who am I to complain, it's definitely a start at least. One step closer to recovering my normal life.
I settle in quicker than I expected, I suppose the medication may play a part in that. I've grown to appreciate it, its good at preventing me from overthinking, or spending too long on depressive thoughts. It's helped me to cope. Even if it is a fake calm, I'll take it.
I slowly begin to put my life back together. After forging a solid fake backstory about my past I am able to identify myself as Nadine Fox on official documents and apply for jobs.
It takes a while to be accepted for a job due to my lack of qualifications, which is frustrating since I have A-levels and was starting a degree but apparently there is no evidence of this. But in the end I find one at a nearby department store, Henricks. I can work my way up, I just need to start somewhere. And the routine will do me good, I know it.
So here I am, in my new uniform, about to start an evening shift, apparently they want me to start easy, when there are just the last few customers. My boss explained that I'll pair up with another member of the team to help close the shop and this should help me orientate myself around the store before the busy day shift tomorrow.
I hop on the bus and head into the store, which only seems littered with a few final shoppers. I continue to the check out desk and introduce myself to the man standing there, cashing up the tills.
"Hi, I'm Nadine Fox, I was asked to come in and help close down this evening. It's my first shift" I explain.
"Oh, right, yes of course, James mentioned we'd have a newbie with us tonight. So, yes, you'll be in the basement to finish up. There's not too much else to do, but if you head down there I'll get your partner to come show you the ropes" he responds.
"Ok, well... thanks, I'll head here now, it was nice meeting you" I finish and head to the lift.
Then I am just stood lingering by the lift exit on the basement floor waiting for this staff member to show me what to do.
The lift pings and I hear it going down, coming towards me, that must be them.
The doors open, and I get the shock of my life!
Rose.
It's Rose.
ROSE TYLER.
What?!
She glances over at me.
"Oh, hey, you're Nadine right? Nice to meet you, I'm Rose, I'm showing you what to do tonight, not that there's much else left besides the lottery money and locking up" she explains.
I literally don't know how to respond. Then fear strikes me, if she's here, is the Doctor? No, no he can't be. Didn't she tell me on platform 1, while we watched the Earth what feels like years ago, that he blew her job up. Well, this is her job, and its still in one piece. So everything is fine, I can just finish up here, quit, and I'll just have to look for another job tomorrow. Ok, calm Nadine, it'll be fine. I've got a plan, though I could really do with taking that second pill I've been prescribed for today.
Ok, so play along, make life easy, just get through this short shift and then move the Hell on.
"Nadine? Hello, anyone in there?" She's waving her hand in-front of my face, oh, I must've zoned out.
I snap back into action, portraying false calm and confidence.
"Oh, yes sorry! Yeah, I'm Nadine, thanks for showing me around. What do we need to do?" I begin.
"No problem. Right, well I need to give this lottery money to Wilson, so let's see if we can find him" She walks off and I follow.
"Wilson!" She calls out, hiding further down this corridor.
"Wilson, I've got the lottery money" She continues.
Should I be shouting his name too? I just sort of wander behind her as she continues searching for this guy.
Rose reaches a door that has 'H.P Wilson C.E.O' on it. And she knocks, calling his name. But we get no response.
"I can't hang about because they're closing the shop" she complains, clearly in a rush. Then again I'm in a bit of a hurry to leave this whole situation behind too.
"I guess he's not here then so.." I start to say, but then I am cut off by the sound of clattering further down the corridor.
Don't panic, it's definitely just another member of staff, probably Wilson, yes, its got to be Wilson.
We explore further down, Rose still calling out to Wilson, clearly expecting him to pop out soon.
We enter what looks to be a storage room and she flicks on the lights. It's empty. Something feels wrong. And yet Rose heads into the room.
"Rose!" I whisper, beginning to feel disconcerted, my hairs standing on end.
"It's fine, he'll be here somewhere. Wilson! Hey, it's not funny to prank the new girl, you'll scare her off" she shouts.
Then we hear a door shut. The door we entered through. I quickly race back to pull it open.
It's locked. Another spike of fear coarses through my system. This is bad.
"Its locked" I exclaim as Rose rushes to join me in pulling at the door.
"You've got to be kidding me" she groans.
We both turn around as we hear more movement further in the room.
"Is there someone mucking about?" Rose calls out.
"This isn't very funny" I continue.
We head over towards the direction of the noise.
"Who is it?" Rose tries.
I stop a few paces behind her as I notice a mannequin move. I shriek in shock.
"Rose!" I cry out.
She turns around too, grasps my arm and pulls me backwards with her.
The mannequin slowly approaches.
"Great joke, but it's over" I snap, frustrated, this must be some silly prank. I try to convince myself of this at least.
"Very funny... right I've got the joke! Who's idea was this? Is it Derek's?" She joins me.
"Well, is it?" I exclaim. Please let this be a joke.
"Derek is this you?" Rose shouts desperately.
We are being cut off by the mannequins, this is getting serious now. Slowly we back away until we are pressed up agains the wall.
And then a man grasps my hand. He grabs Rose's hand and commands us...
"Run!" And we do.
We run, me looking over my shoulder the whole way, seeing the mannequins following us.
Then my brain catches up, that voice... I know that voice.
I look at the mans hand and then to the body it is connected to just as we make itback to the lift. Quickly I yank my hand from his grip.
It's the Doctor.
"You pulled its arm off!" Rose exclaims.
I don't care, it's the Doctor. That is the only thought my brain is capable of processing at the moment.
"Yep, plastic" he responds throwing it towards Rose.
I zone out the rest of the conversation, focusing only on breathing and staying calm. He appears to be ignoring me, good, thats better than shouting.
"Nadine, c'mon!" Rose grasps my arm and drags me out of the lift.
"I said who are they!" Rose bellows back to the Doctor.
"They're made of plastic... living plastic creatures and they're being controlled by a relay device on the roof... which would be a great big problem if I didn't have this" he options towards a device in his hand.
"So! I'm gonna go upstairs and blow it up, and I might well die in the process but don't worry about me, no, go on... go and have your lovely beans on toast" he continues speaking rapidly.
"Don't tell anyone about this because if you do you'll get them killed" The Doctor finishes.
Then he's gone, shutting the door behind him.
What! How has my night literally gone so wrong in the space of half an hour?
The doctor springs the door back open, he glances over at Rose.
"I'm the Doctor by the way, what's your name?" He questions her.
"Rose" is her simple reply.
Then his eyes meet mine. I freeze, does he know me?
"And you are?" He implores.
And my shoulders actually sag with relief. Thank God! This may be the first good thing to happen to me all day.
"Moira" I reply with some quick thinking.
Rose looks over at me in surprise.
"No you're not!" She calls me out.
I love Rose, she's a sweet and kind girl... but right now I want to kill her.
The Doctor looks curious, staring at me for a second before deciding.
"I haven't got time for this" he mutters.
Then he slams the door shut again, and that is it.
Rose and I walk home together, it turns out she lives with her mum on the Powell Estate. I knew I'd heard it before, she told me about it when we first met! Small world I guess...
A day passes and I avoid leaving my flat, content to my medication that leaves me in a blissful state of numbness. I spend most of my time reading in bed, only leaving for the odd snack or a shower. I am avoiding the world. Because I just know he's out there somewhere. And I can't risk running into him again.
But as the evening draws to a close I realise that it would be unrealistic to never leave the safety of my little flat again. And I find the energy to do a quick walk to get some fresh air, using the cover of darkness to hide me.
I wrap up warm, put my boots on and head out into the night. The air is cold, I can see my breath in the wind. It takes me back to that night, that cold lonely night when I realised there was only one person left that I could truly trust, me. That night was like a rebirth, gone was the anxious yet boisterous and snappy girl who trusted too easily. Here I stand fearful, cautious and defensive, but knowing that I am far safer now that I'm not left open to anyone. I may not have faith in people anymore, but I have found strength in myself. I found the spark I need to fit, to survive, to rebuild my life despite everything.
And SLAM.
I crash straight into someone. God this is embarrassing. I begin immediately apologising.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry, excuse..." then I look up.
"...Me" I finish dully.
He's stood there, the Doctor, hands crossed.
"What's your name?" He asks, cutting straight to the chase.
I pause, how do I get out of this.
"Jane" I try...although I know it doesn't sound particularly convincing, event to me.
"Try again" he shoots back.
"Why does it matter to you?" I snap.
"Because it clearly matters to you, which means you must know me. Otherwise why try to hide your identity?" He expands.
Great, God, why has he got to be a clever alien?
"You're a stranger and you just blew up my job, why would I tell you my name? You could be crazy for all I know!" I argue back against his logic.
"I saved your life. If I wanted you dead I'd have left you in that basement so let's not play that card, because it won't work on me. Rose gave me her name, so why couldn't you?" He grinds out.
I sigh. I want this all to be over, is there really any harm in just telling him? It doesn't mean I'll go back to travelling with him if I give away this simple piece of information.
"Nadine" I deadpan.
"Right, well that wasn't so hard" he smiles.
I just turn on my heel and head back to my flat.
"Except there's a reason you wouldn't tell me, and I'd like to know why that is. Want to know if you're trouble, because I'll tell you, this planet is protected" He stops me in my tracks.
He thinks I'm a threat? That I'm the enemy!
"I'm not some kind of monster from the planet Zog if that's what you're suggesting" I bark over my shoulder, still walking away.
"So you know about aliens then, interesting... see I knew there was something about you" He growls.
He continues to follow me, I'm freaking out now, the anger is fading into fear. I just want him to leave me alone.
"Oi, Nadine. I'm not finished!" He shouts to me.
My breaths are becoming faster, I need my medication.
A hand grabs my elbow, pulling me to a halt. I attempt to pull myself out of his grip, bet he holds firm.
"Get off me" I exclaim, fear filling my voice.
He must have noticed it too.
"I just want to talk, that's all" he explains.
"Please, just let me go... please, I'm begging you" I sob.
I just want my flat, why did I leave! I can still see the eyes that had that raw anger and rage directed at me from the last trip we met on. It's too much.
"Not until we talk, I want to know..." He growls.
I cut him off by punching him in the jaw. Ow! That really hurt! I don't have time to cry, I need to run while he's distracted. He immediately releases his grip on me and I take the opportunity to run.
"Oi!" I can hear in the near distance.
I sprint, not looking back.
I leg it up the stairs and bolt into my flat, hands shaking as I lock the door behind me. I start shoving a chair under the door handle. Then all the heavy furniture against it. I've seen him use that device before, I think he called it a screwdriver, to unlock things. Well, think again mate. You're not getting in.
Seconds later and there is pounding against the door. I run through to my bedroom as I hear the door handle rattle.
I repeat the same process of moving furniture to block the bedroom door.
Then I am hit with a blinding pain. Oh no, I know this. Please no!
I'm leaving, I can feel it. And as devastated as I am, I can't help the immense feeling of relief that hits me at knowing this particular Doctor won't get me.
Before I loose consciousness I quickly stuff my pockets with things, months worth of my medication, my phone, a bracelet my mum gave me... I grab the current book I'm reading and thats it.
I fall into oblivion.