Chapter 15:

I stood at the end of the corridor for around ten minutes, simply staring off into space. Many students passed me and I'm pretty sure they thought I was crazy. I probably was, though, at least at the time. For those ten minutes I tried to clear my head, to ignore every and any thought connected to one Sirius Black, but the harder I tried the more I thought of him. I would try not to think of his hair or his smile or those eyes that were so grey and all I would think about was just that. And then I would get butterflies. And then I would get angry at myself because I could not feel this way. I had a boyfriend, I was committed. I had already accepted my future with Fabian and I could not go down that road with Black again. But the more I repeated those words the emptier they sounded. So I'd think of Sirius again and his laughter and how he was actually a softie inside even if he was all joke to the outer world, and how much he actually cared about his friends and even his family, who had treated him so bad. And the butterflies would return once again. And this weird smile would appear in my face and then I'd frown because I hadn't had that smile in my face in a very long time. And then I'd frown harder because even if I may have had a slight attraction to Sirius, and I was not admitting to anything here, he did not and would never fancy me in that way. The image of him and Catharine flashed in my mind, a constant reminder of what kind of guy he was. Because, yes, Sirius Black was all the good things I had said earlier, but he was also a womanizer through and through.

Him kissing Catharine had not only reminded me of that but it had also burst the bubble everyone, including myself, had created. Black wasn't dating blondes out of jealousy or because he wanted me back. He simply liked blondes. Blondes were his type but he could do just fine with any other girl. Catharine was proof of that. And Lord did it hurt. I wanted to cry and hit myself for even feeling like I was being cheated on. Because I really wasn't. Knowing that if I stayed there any longer I would really lose my mind, I decided to go back to the Common Room and what I saw there completely took me by surprise. The place was packed with students but the music was turned off and I vaguely wondered how I hadn't noticed that. The wondering lasted around two seconds and disappeared when I noticed everyone was looking at the spot in the middle of the room, where the fireplace was and were I had left James around an hour ago or so. The yelling came from there and it scared me to the core. Because there was nothing more frightening than an infuriated Lily Evans and she looked about ready to kill.

"I cannot believe you were capable of doing this!" she exclaimed as she moved a piece of clothing around as evidence. My heart nearly stopped when I realized it was the Quidditch jumper. She had taken it off and was only wearing a simple tank top. "I don't know how you managed to switch it with the one that was ours but—you are just so—I mean I actually felt bad for you this morning, acting all worried because you couldn't find it! When you had actually slipped it into my clothes and concealed it?"

I shook my head, not believing my ears or eyes. James looked confused but I could tell he was getting angry by the minute and Lily's face was as red as her hair. Did Lily really believed that it ha been him? The guys couldn't get into our dorm… well, okay that was under investigation because they had somehow managed to cut my hair… but it didn't matter. Had she not seen our suspicious acting yesterday night? It was obvious it had been us. I never thought she'd get angry at James and yet here she was.

"No, Evans, you've got it wrong!" James said back. "And will you stop it already? I have been nothing but nice and mature and all that crap with you all year and you still treat me like this at the smallest sign of mischief?" he asked, getting up to face her square on the face.

"Would you expect me to think any less? When all your life all you've done is run havoc in this school?" Lily yelled back. "You should be ashamed of yourself, James Potter!"

"I didn't do it, Evans." He shot back without missing a beat. "I told you this morning, I had no idea where it was."

"You still don't get it, do you, Potter?" Lily asked, rolling her eyes, something very unlike her. "This is not about the stupid ugly jumper, which you can have back, mind you," at this point she threw the jumper at him. James caught it and discarded it on the sofa behind him. "This is about you not being able to grow up! Don't you realize what's going on here? We're in the middle of a war and you're doing pranks on your friends and family. You are just as bad as the Slytherins." She yelled out the last word and we all gasped as it rang out into the air, cutting anyone who dared hear it.

James looked highly offended and I did not blame him for it. This was getting out of hand, to the point where I didn't even understand where all this hate towards my cousin was coming from. My eyes darted around the room, trying to find Marlene. Instead, they fell on my family. Ariadne had abandoned her snog buddy and was next to Christian, both were glaring furiously at Lily as they made their way closer to the centre of the room. Delilah was also getting up, her own frown on her features. Everybody knew that the Potters stood up for each other and Lily was about to find out how true that statement was. I finally found Marlene, far away near the staircase that led to the dorms, and sent her an alarmed look.

"Lily," she called, fighting her way through the other students. "James didn't do it." She shook her head.

"Yeah, it was us." I jumped in.

"Don't defend him!" Lily cried, turning to us.

"We're not!" I shrieked back, hating how high my voice got.

"Yeah, it was all our idea." Dorcas interjected, coming to stand next to James. "I came up with the jumper thing."

"And I stole the jumper." Marlene jumped in.

"And I agreed to help with anything that was needed." I nodded. "I am so sorry, James. Lily is right, it was completely juvenile and we wouldn't have done it if we knew how important it was to you." I apologized to my cousin.

My stomach clenched when I realized not only was James staring at me like he didn't know me but the girls and I were getting the Marauders-do-not-approve glare. That was never a good sign. We had planned this with the hopes that it would bring us all closer, that Lily and James would finally get over their issues, and instead we had drew us even further apart. I didn't even want to glance at Sirius; I was already emotional over him, if I saw him glare at me, I would definitely break.

"And if you want to blame someone, blame us." Marlene added with finality.

"Good." Lily nodded. "Because I'm going to. All of you."

With that she swirled around and stormed up the stairs. Mary and Alice sprinted up the stairs after Lily, while Dorcas, Marlene and I simply stood there in silence. After a few seconds, I realized everybody was still staring at us.

"What are you looking at?" I snapped, turning to glare at the people who were not from Gryffindor. "The party is over. Go to your own Common Room."

It took them a while but they complied. Little by little people started to leave the Common Room, until only the Gryffindors remained and even they retired to their dorms quickly. I turned to face James again, hoping he had cooled down after Lily had left and might be up for a little chat with us.

"James…" I started but trailed off when I saw how disappointed and defeated he looked.

"Just… leave it, all right, Meredith?" he requested, waving me off. "Just forget it all."

He left for his dorm then, looking more tired than he had in weeks. The marauders followed, all of them avoiding my eyes, no matter how hard I tried to make eye contact. I felt a knot start to form in my throat and the recognizable pressure on my chest. Oh, great. I was near an anxiety attack over my cousin and best friend practically announcing in front of the entire Gryffindor house that they didn't want anything to do with me. I couldn't breathe, the air refused to enter my lungs.

"Mere?" Marlene asked, grabbing my attention.

"I'm fine." I managed out after I heaved in a deep breath and let it out through my mouth. My nose wasn't working, apparently. "Let's go up." I mumbled, starting to make my way towards the stairs.

I didn't even bother to look back and see if they were following me.

….

As usual, or at least what was slowly becoming usual, I woke up at three A.M., heaving through my mouth and trying not to sob too loudly. That had been the most vivid nightmare I had had so far. There was so much blood, such disaster, fire, screams. I sat up in my bed and pressed a palm to my sweaty forehead, biting my lip hard so no more tears would fall. I had said I was done with crying and I meant it. Instead, I started to think of a way to restore my friendship with Lily. The fight had been two days ago and things had been incredibly awkward. The girls and I could handle a fight with the boys, but when one of us fought, all of us kind of fell under this tense atmosphere that threatened to break our friendship permanently were we to say the wrong thing. I got up from bed, the moonlight serving as a guide so I wouldn't walk straight into Marlene's bed, and walked across the room towards Lily's bed. Without even hesitating, I climbed up and lay down next to her, staring at her until she frowned and opened her eyes.

"Oh, my God!" she shrieked when she opened her eyes. "Meredith, you scared me to death." She lowered her voice so the other girls would wake up.

"I'm sorry," I said, matching her tone. "I am so sorry. Please forgive us because you're my best friend, I swear, Lily, you're family and if you hate me, I—" my voice broke up, tears already falling from my eyes.

"Oh, sweetie, no, come here." She rushed through her words, pulling me into an embrace. "It's okay, I forgive you. I admit I may have overreacted a bit." She sighed, shaking her head. "It's just that I'm stressed and my sister has not been answering my letters, not that she ever answered them all but she usually gave short replies sometimes but now not even that… and there's the war and have you seen how many people have died already? Not only muggles or muggleborns but aurors as well." She ranted, obviously needing to vent.

I shut my eyes tight, not wanting to think of that. Of course I knew, my family was part of it, my boyfriend was in the front line, wherever the fight was thickest. Day after day we heard worse news, even if we put on a brave face and acted like it wasn't bothering us. But it did, it affected us all, even the Slytherins. Lily and I broke from our hug and I simply laid down next to her, both of us staring at the ceiling. We remained quiet for a few moments but it wasn't the awkward silence that had surrounded us all before, it was the calm silence that fell upon us when we had nothing to talk about because we'd talked about everything.

"I can't sleep." I announced. "I haven't been able to since we came back from Christmas break."

"You mean like no sleep at all?" Lily asked, worried.

"No." I shook my head. "I mean restless sleep filled with horribly vivid nightmares and waking up at three A.M. in the morning only to not be able to fall asleep again." I answered.

"You need to speak to someone, Meredith, you haven't have nightmares like this in years." Lily practically chastised.

"I know." I replied. "But I don't know what to say. Most of the time I don't remember the dreams and I don't know how to trigger them." I explained. "It doesn't matter." I sighed after a while. "Are you sure you are okay?"

"I'm scared." She mumbled after a while, her voice close to the point of breaking. I hadn't heard Lily this vulnerable in years; she was always the strong, mature, 'I-won't-take-your-shit' one.

"I'm scared too," I said.

"So am I," a voice suddenly said from my right. "Can I join?"

Lily and I turned at the same time to see a half-asleep Marlene with her pillow gripped in her hands and her blonde locks turned into complete disarray. Lily moved to the left and I followed, allowing some space for Marlene. She got into bed with the two of us and we talked for a long while, waiting until all of us were calmed enough to go back to sleep.

The girls and I made up verbally but we made up with the Marauders with actions. Marlene helped them with one or two pranks on the first years, I sat with Peter in every class we were together and helped him as much as I could, knowing he would tell the others and they would get the hidden message. Mary had no problem at all, she was practically dating Remus by now, and Dorcas was her own force to be reckoned with so she didn't really care all that much. By the third week of January, I got Lily to do the unthinkable; she sat with James by the Beech tree in one of our free periods. They spent some time talking and by Lily's birthday, we weren't fighting anymore. It was the fastest we had ever made up. At the end, we didn't really do a big fat party for Lily. It fell on a Sunday, so we all ended up hanging out around the grounds lazily. Lily enjoyed it, which was the only thing that mattered.

"What are you writing?" Lily asked curiously.

"Yes. No offense, Meredith, but you have kind of a mess." Remus commented, abandoning his work as well.

I looked up from my letter. Both she and Remus were looking at me with curious eyes. We were doing our homework down at the library, but I had already finished my Potions essay, so had decided to pulled out my half-finished letter to Fabian. It was the fifth time I wrote it… today. The letter had been flying around on my bag since the beginning of term but I still had to send it out. Now, I had my books neatly organized besides me and a disaster of wrinkled parchments with attempts at said letter. I sighed and looked around for the original letter, handing it to her once I had spotted it. She looked at me again once she read who it was addressed to.

"Go ahead, read it. It's fine." I urged, waving at her to read the letter.

"This—this is a break-up letter!" she said after a few minutes of silence.

"Yes." I lamented, taking my glasses off and covering my face with my hands. "In a scale of 1 to Snape how much of a brat am I for breaking up with him over a letter?" I asked, looking at them through the spaces between my fingers.

"Um… maybe I should go." Remus started, gathering his books.

"No!" I cut in, grabbing his arms and forcing him down again. "Please, I could really use the help. And you're a guy… I mean, I could really use a guy's opinion on this. Would you hate me if I ended things with you over a letter?" I asked him, biting my lip.

He hesitated, not knowing how to say whatever was in his mind without hurting me. "You wouldn't be my favorite person in the world." He admitted.

"Oh, God." I let out a weird thing that was a mid-laugh and a mid-sob at the same time, my hands going back to my face.

"All right, let's keep calm." Lily started, trying to stop me from freaking out. "You've written around ten of these," she paused to look at the balls of wrinkled parchment. "Maybe you don't want to break up with him." She pointed out.

"Oh, no, I do." I shook my head.

"Then why haven't you sent the letter?" Remus frowned.

"I don't know. Every time I fold it over and get ready to send it… I can't. It's like something stops me from doing so." I explained, falling backwards into the backrest. "Maybe it's the guilt hitting me before I've even done the damage."

"Or maybe it's the grammatical errors. You got epiphany wrong." Lily commented, showing me said mistake with a manicured finger. I shot her a dirty look. Of course I had grammatical errors, by now I wasn't even paying attention to what I was writing. I was simply scratching the paper with my quill, trying to convey my thoughts into words. "Or maybe not." She muttered, noticing my look.

"Epiphany? Why are you talking about that?" Remus asked, frowning at me.

"I have no idea, okay?" I exclaimed, sitting forwards. "All I know is that I start with perfect prose and, suddenly, I'm talking about… oh, I don't know… how Peeves tried to put bad eggs on the Hufflepuff Common Room."

"That was actually us." Remus jumped in.

"Ew, Remus," Lily and I said at the same time, turning to look at him with a bit of disgust.

"It wasn't my idea." He defended.

"Right," Lily said before focusing back on the topic at hand. "I think you should simply tell him the truth, whatever it is. I'm sure he'll understand." She handed me back the letter.

I took it and sighed. What was I supposed to do now? Fabian had said he loved me; I had said it back. How could I end everything with him now, out of the blue, without any real explanation? What was I supposed to say, 'I'm not actually in love with you, I lied, but it'd be nice if we stayed friends'? right, because he would just love that.

"Can I ask why you're breaking up with him?" Lily asked.

"Nope." I denied. "You can only know that I am. Some day… eventually."

And I would, if only I could reach out and find the bravery I was supposed to posses and that got me into Gryffindor.